On the second leg of the flight back to SC, my husband and his mother had a conversation that went something like this:

Mom: I think I’ll only stay about a week.

Jim: We’ll talk about it later.

Mom: When does Jason go to California? Oh, that’s right, he left already. That’s too bad. He could have taken me back with him.

Jim: We’ll talk about it later.

Then when they got to NC and found the car to drive the last leg to SC, the conversation continued:

Jim: Mom, remember your last Sunday at church, people gave you a lot of cards?

Mom: Yeah.

Jim: Why did they do that?

Mom: (Thinking…) Oh…because I am moving to South Carolina.

But after a good night’s sleep, she remembered and has been asking questions about the new place and seems okay with it. She does tend to get confused when she is tired or nervous — like this morning, getting ready to go to the doctor’s office, she thought she was getting ready to move into the assisted living facility. But most of the time she’s pretty clear.

I’m finding that it is better to say, “Here, let me help” or to just jump in rather than asking, “Do you want me to help you?” If I ask if she wants help, she’ll usually say no, at least at first. She has this mentality of not wanting to be a “pest.” She had a little sore on her ear from wearing her hearing aid more than she’s used to and said when she first got it, the doctor told her to bring it back in if it wasn’t fitting right, but she never did, because she “didn’t want to be a pest.” We tried to get across that asking for the help you need (as well as, in that instance, getting what you paid for) isn’t being a pest. (Jim already had scheduled an appointment with the ear doctor tomorrow, so hopefully we can at least adjust the fit, and maybe see if new aids are needed.)

On the other hand, especially with personal issues, sometimes it is best to let them do things on their own even if it takes a while or is awkward so they can maintain some level of dignity and independence. It’s hard to know sometimes when to jump in and when to stand back, but, thankfully, she is not easily offended.

One of the memories I am most ashamed of happened the last time she was here. I walked into the kitchen to find her trying to open a box of cereal, but the box had already been opened, and she had it upside down. Trying to avert disaster, I dashed over and grabbed the box and turned it right-side up. But I felt bad about that: sweeping cereal off the floor isn’t that big of a disaster, and I shouldn’t have made her feel like a child. She didn’t act offended, but, still, care of her as a person is more important than efficiency.

I have learned from my own hospitalizations and ailments that, when you need assistance in ways that you would have otherwise been horrified at the thought of beforehand, it helps when the people helping are just matter-of-fact about it, acting the same as if they’re doing something more mundane. My husband is a master at that, and I have so appreciated it. He’s a cheerful and thoughtful caretaker. So I am trying to be the same way in any help I give.

I have often said I want to live to be 100, and right now I still do, but I am learning through my mother-in-law’s experiences as well as my own signs of aging that old age certainly has its problems! I am thankful God promises that “And even to your old age I am he; and even to hoar hairs will I carry you: I have made, and I will bear; even I will carry, and will deliver you” (Isaiah 46:4).

Psalm 71:8-9: Let my mouth be filled with thy praise and with thy honour all the day. Cast me not off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength faileth.

Psalm 92:12-15: The righteous shall flourish like the palm tree: he shall grow like a cedar in Lebanon. Those that be planted in the house of the LORD shall flourish in the courts of our God. They shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be fat and flourishing; To shew that the LORD is upright: he is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in him.