Several years ago, friends of friends experienced a devastating loss: two of their three sons were killed in a one-car accident. Our friends were very close to the family and ministered to them as much as they could. Our church and ladies’ Bible study were frequently asked to pray for this family during the dark days of grief that followed. The family experienced many ups and downs, as you can imagine. One night at our ladies’ Bible study when this family was brought up as a prayer request in their time of loss, another sweet, well-meaning mutual friend said something like, “They haven’t lost anything. We know right where those boys are.”
I thought that, though true, it seemed a bit…insensitive, though the lady who said it is kindness personified and I know meant it as a comfort.
I’ve been dismayed over the years to hear this sentiment — that you haven’t “lost” your loved one because you know where he or she is — many more times in different situations. It seems to be “catching on.”
Well, it’s true, for those who have placed their faith in Christ. We know they are safe in heaven, free from pain, sin, temptation, enjoying the Presence of the Lord, and we know we will see them again. And that is a comfort, it really is. It is for those reasons alone we would not wish them back when our own grief longs for them.
But when we say we’ve lost them, we don’t mean it in the same sense that we lost our car keys or puppy dog. We’ve lost their presence, the ability to be with them, share with them, talk with them, experience life with them. It’s a very real loss and there’s nothing wrong with grieving over it. As far as I can recall, there was only one person in Scripture who was told not to grieve (Ezekiel 24), and that was a one-time object lesson to the children of Israel. The fact that he was told not to grieve indicates that grieving over the loss of his wife would have been the normal course of action. Paul said that he would have had “sorrow upon sorrow” if Epaphroditus had died of his illness (Phil. 2:25-30).
We do sorrow, but not as those who have no hope (“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus.” I Thess. 4:13-14, NASB).
Romans 12:15 tells us to ” Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.” Too often, instead, we want to make those who are weeping rejoice. There is a time for that, as well, but sometimes just coming alongside a fellow believer in sympathy is the best ministry.
So, I would encourage you, the next time someone tells you, “I lost my mom” (or husband or son or whomever), please, please don’t tell them they haven’t really lost anything. They really have, and counseling-by-catch-phrase is not all that helpful most of the time.
Well, I suppose I can’t really tell anyone not to say that — but just think about it and see if that’s really what you think the Lord wants you to say. Sometimes a person might benefit from being reminded that their loved one is with the Lord and free from pain and sin. Most Christians know that already, but sometimes a shift in focus might help. But don’t say it flippantly or in a way that it makes them feel guilty for grieving.
So what does one say to one who is grieving? There’s not a formula…just depend on the Lord for the right words to say and the right timing. When my mom died last December there were different things individuals said or wrote, different verses shared at different times that really helped at the moment. Sometimes just a hug, and hand on the shoulder, an “I’m so sorry — we’re praying for you” is immensely helpful. Sometimes people “pitched in” unasked in helpful ways like making a meal, offering to watch children, etc. Don’t over-worry about saying or doing the wrong thing, but just ask the Lord to speak through you if He wants to.
(There was someone with whom I was discussing these things on a forum recently, and though I don’t think that person reads my blog, just in case he does, please let me assure you this is not a “rant” and is not in response to that conversation. These thoughts have been collecting for years.)
Stray Thoughts 
Oh my I have not heard that phrase (thank goodness). It truely is a loss. Something that is there no more.
Another thing I don’t care for one bit is the verse in James “the Lord works all things out for good”. Well when you are grieving I can not image the worse thing to think about at the time.
being a mother of 3 sons, I can not even begin to imagine the devestation that family went through.
Only when someone has lost someone themselves do they understand the pain. Those remarks must have been made by someone who never lost anyone close to them. It is understandable but still insensitive. Another thing that bothers me is how people think grieving should only last a certain amount of time. I’m sorry, but a person can’t control that. I lost my father six years ago and although I am not “mourning” anymore in the sense of that mental and emotional sickness that lingers for a bit after a loved one dies, I still find myself crying when I think about him sometimes and I know that will happen for the rest of my life. It is natural, it is valid because I LOVE him. It makes me SO mad when people try to say, “Aren’t you over that already?”
I couldn’t agree more. I heard someone say once that it isn’t even really necessary to say anything at all – just be there to comfort and love the one who is indeed suffering a loss. How can there not be a sense of loss when a one we have dearly loved is missing? I guess we have to walk in the other person’s shoes to know that those insensitive statements are no comfort at all – well meaning though they may be. I think you are right and wise.