WHAT MOMS REALLY WANT FOR MOTHER’S DAY
* To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any “floaties” (ie, backwash).
* Five pounds of chocolate that won’t add twenty pounds to her figure.
* A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a “Hi Ya Mom!” just as she puts a razor to her ankle.
* For her teenager to announce, “Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!”
* A grocery store that doesn’t have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.
* To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.
*To occasionally get to sleep late on the weekend.
*To take a hot bath without her toddler suddenly screaming, “Mommy, I have to go potty!” as soon as she hits the water.
Laws of Parenting:
1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.
4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
5. If the shoe fits… it’s expensive.
6. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
7. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
8. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
MURPHY’S LAWS FOR PARENTS
1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.