I’ve mentioned before that I went to a middle school that was extremely cliquish, with set groups which didn’t interact much with each other or anyone new. It made it very hard for a new person to make friends unless someone in one of the groups noticed them and brought them in.
But sometimes I hear people who feel a little on the outside of things accuse other people of being cliquish, and that’s not always the case. It’s especially sad when people feel that way in church. I imagine, human nature being what it is, it’s possible there are some churches which do have cliques, and that’s abominable. But sometimes it’s just a matter of certain groups of people who know each other better just because they do things together. Unfortunately, when people do feel they’re in the outer fringes of a group, they tend to pull away more, making them even less a part of the group, making them feel even more like an outsider, and so the cycle goes.
But you can’t get closer to people that you don’t spend any time with. And you won’t feel part of the group if you rarely interact with the group.
Some years back our church had a little fellowship time between Sunday School and church with coffee and sometimes doughnuts or muffins. It was a chance to talk with people and to get up and mill around in between an hour or so of Sunday School and another hour or more of church time. Most people got up to move around a bit and stood and talked in smaller groups near where the coffee was served. There were also soft drink machines on that side of the room for those who preferred that to coffee. There was one couple — a middle-aged couple who had attended the church for years, so they weren’t new — who pretty much always sat off to themselves on the other side of the room. I don’t think anyone thought anything of it — if I had I probably would have thought they didn’t want anything to eat or drink or preferred to sit rather than stand or walk around. But some months later I heard they “didn’t feel a part of things.” I was astounded. I probably thought something like, “And whose fault is that?” To literally place oneself away from everyone else and not interact and then not feel a part of things! People did sit at their table during the Sunday School hour, so it’s not like no one ever interacted with them.
It is true that we tend to gravitate toward people we already know. Our church has regular fellowships during the summer after Wed. night services. When we go through the line to get our refreshments and then turn and look for a place to sit, it’s natural to look for friends to catch up with, especially since we pretty much see most of them only at church. And we should, at least some times, seek out new people or people we don’t know as well.
When my husband and I first came to our present church and would go to these fellowships, we somehow often ended up as one of the first people going through the line and finding an empty table. But then no one came to sit with us for a few weeks in a row. We could have sat there feeling sorry for ourselves, but instead, we began to hang back so we weren’t first in line, and then, as we looked for a place to sit, we’d find a table where a few people were seated and asked if we could join them. Introductions and small talk ensued and eventually spun off into relationships. Should someone have sought us out as the new people? Probably. But it would have made it worse if we hadn’t taken some initiative. It took me a good year to really feel a part of things there, but it wasn’t because people were exclusive and unwilling to be friendly. Some of those people had known each other for thirty years, and it just took time as a new person to develop relationships: I couldn’t expect to have the same intimacy within a few weeks as those who had known each other longer.
I would advise anyone who “doesn’t feel a part of things” to:
1. Go where the people are.
2. Don’t hold yourself aloof. Interact, even if you feel awkward at first.
3. Go to some functions that you might not be interested in for the fellowship if not the activity.
4. Talk to people! Don’t wait for them to come to you!
The Bible says that “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly” (Proverbs 18:24). Aloof people don’t have many friends. You may feel that you’re not aloof, you’re just shy, but it can come across the same way.
Reaching out to others is harder if you’re naturally shy and quiet. I was one of the shyest, most self-conscious people on the planet: I would almost panic if I was in a group and someone asked me a question, trying to draw me into the conversation. That is still my default mode: even now it is hard for me to raise my hand to answer a question in a Sunday School class or share a prayer request in prayer meeting. But I can testify that the Lord can give grace to overcome that natural tendency.
One thought that has helped me a lot over the years was shared by a former pastor’s wife during an officer’s meeting for a ladies’ group. She was encouraging the various officers to speak up as they gave their reports, because it did no one any good if they couldn’t hear what was said, and then she remarked, “Self-consciousness is consciousness of self, and we’re supposed to forget self.”
The more I am thinking about myself — the thought of people looking at me, wondering how they will receive me — the more I am likely to retreat into my own shell. But if I try to forget myself and focus on the other person, everything goes much better.
Every encounter or attempt to make conversation won’t be successful, but don’t let that deter you. “People skills” can be developed. But you have to exercise them to develop them.
Stray Thoughts 
I love how you’ve outlined specific strategies for folks that don’t just naturally join in. I think many folks who remain on the outside want to join in, but truly don’t have the skills. This kind of thing is really helpful.
Love that quote about self conscious-ness too. *ouch*
Thanks this sort of eases the pain for those of us who’ve tried to include the aloof…only to find out that they “didn’t feel included and were looking elsewhere.” Well said!!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU
I have struggled with this for years as iIhave moved a lot and had a bad experience with 2 ladies in my first church.
I Always felt that the women did not like me, or include me. So I did just what you said.
The Lord has recently been trying to show me this little by little (His paitience and grace).
I also recently asked the Lord how I could be serving and loving the brethren, when I felt this way.
Your post was every answer I needed!!!
Thank you again
I don’t very often disagree with you Barbara, but I think I may here. This reads a little like an encouragement to stay in our comfort zones if we’re established somewhere. But I don’t think it’s fair to put the burden all on those who feel lonely or excluded. In the “family of God” we’re supposed to be aware of those on the fringe. Jesus always was.
You have good suggestions for those who feel shy in things like church coffee hours, etc. to assert themselves. But aren’t most people seeking a deeper level of relationship than that? I’m not sure we can say comfortably that we’ve
“reached out” if all we’ve done is converse with someone at an activity on the church premises.
I’ve attended several churches in the different places I’ve lived, and I’ve always participated in different ministries and followed the conventional wisdom that if you want friends, you have to be willing to make the first move. But churches truly can be the most clannish places on earth. They often have their established groups, and they are content. When I was in graduate school, the wild and wooly English department folks were much more quick to invite a newbie along to whatever they were doing here or there, and much more accepting. It’s to the church’s shame that this is so.
I do agree that we need to do better in welcoming new people and making them feel a part of the group — I alluded to that a little in the sixth paragraph. That side of the issue could make for another blog post, but this was directed not at new people but rather at those who have attended a church (or any other kind of group, really) for some time, even years, and don’t feel part of the group because they rarely extend themselves.
I was just talking to my sister about this very subject, Barbara.
When I first gave my heart to the Lord and started going to church, I found myself with no really close friends for awhile because I no longer did the things I used to so I kind of had to distance myself from some of my old friends and I hadn’t really been in the church long enough to from any real friendships.
One night, after a the service had ended at our tent crusade, a bunch of people went back to the church for a baptismal service.
I was feeling so alone this particular night. I was standing by myself on the platform as someone was being baptized, when a dear older lady came up and put her arm around me and told me how thankful she was for “you new christians” and she told me she loved me.
Barbara, it was like she had just thrown a life-preserver around me and pulled me back in to safety.
So,yes, it is so, so important that we reach out to new people in our churches, knowing that every once in awhile we will run into those who choose to remain aloof and somewhat disconnected for whatever reason.
This older lady and I are close friends to this day. And I still remind her of what she did for me that particular evening. 🙂 I guess you could say that she kind of “saved my life” AGAIN, even after I’d been born again!!
This is an excellent post, Barbara. Amoeba and I went into the church here and looked around for service opportunities and groups to join. Amoeba fit in much more quickly because he is a musician. In order to interact and make friends, I joined a Bible Study I had already completed elsewhere, and I went on the women’s retreat even though I was half terrified of spending three days away from home with 99 strangers!
Becoming part of a unit takes effort and energy. It goes back to the old adage, If you want to have a friend, you have to be a friend.
UPDATE- it has almost been 3 years since I read this article. Since then I have lost my Dad, and currently my son is in a Divorce custody case which has split some of my family.
We moved to a new area and we went to a different church. Because of this new trial I was in, I felt like I had failed and it must show on me, by just looking at me. So I was afraid to reach out, fear of judgment. My husband took me by the hand and led me the first day there, to sign up for a woman’s Bible study (by the way my husband is shy).
I remembered this article and decided to go and step out on faith and apply what you said. I was immediately accepted and these ladies have been my life line (Besides the Lord) during this time of personal attack from loved ones because we chose to help our son. The prayers and encouragement were such as I have not had in a church.
IT DOES MAKE A DIFFERENCE what our attitude is when we go to a new church!
Thanks again
Nina
Thanks so much for letting me know. I’m so sorry for the hard times but so glad you’ve found such friends and support in a new place when it’s not always easy to do so.