Imagine a good friend tells you she’s thinking of leaving her husband. The magic is gone. They don’t love each other any more. They’re just going through the motions.

After listening to your friend, if she’s open, you might suggest several things. As I thought of these, I realized many of them paralleled how we could return to our first love spiritually.

In Revelation 2:1-7, God instructs John to write a letter to the church at Ephesus. They are commended for several things: They’ve worked hard and endured patiently for His name’s sake. They cared for truth and have tested and rooted out false apostles. Those are all good traits. Yet, Jesus said, “I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first.” It’s possible to work hard for the Lord and stand for truth, yet not do so out of love for Him.

Jesus commands them to “Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first.” Otherwise, He warns, He’ll have to remove them.

So how do we return to our first love? We can’t just flip a switch and turn on the right feelings.

Pray. The first step is to ask for help. A marriage on the brink of divorce has a lot of deep issues. Usually by the time a couple gets to that point, they’ve already made up their minds, and it’s extremely hard to turn things around. They’re going to need God’s help.

Spiritually, we start at the same place. We may be confused. “I thought I was doing everything right.” We need wisdom and insight to see how we’ve drifted into serving without love. It’s true, love is not just a feeling. But according to this passage and 1 Corinthians 13, love is not just service, either.

Romans 5:5 tells us “God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” And love is a fruit of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5: 22-23).

Paul prays for love in various churches:

• That they might be “rooted and grounded in love” and “may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge” (Ephesians 3:18-19).
• That their “love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment” (Philippians 1:9).
• That “the Lord make you increase and abound in love for one another and for all” (1 Thessalonians 3:12).

We can pray these things for ourselves in our relationships with others and the Lord.

Remember His attributes. You could ask your friend to remember what attracted her to her husband in the first place. Sure, his looks and physique changed over the years (so did hers). But she probably married him because she saw something in his character that she liked.

A few years ago, I read Jen Wilkin’s book on God’s attributes: None Like Him:10 Ways God is Different From Us (and Why That’s a Good Thing) and In His Image: 10 Ways God Calls Us to Reflect His Character (linked to my reviews). I expected that studying God’s attributes would inspire worship, but I was surprised to find that the study also increased my love for God. I shouldn’t have been surprised: the more we meditate on how wonderful He is, of course we’re going to love Him even more.

Remember your past history. When a couple has been together for a while, they accumulate a lot of shared experiences: fun times, the trials they worked through, the inside jokes. They have a history they share with no one else. Remembering those times might draw them closer together.

The apostle John wrote, “We love Him because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19, NKJV). Calling to mind the ways God has shown love to me inspires love for Him.

Looking back over my history with God warms my heart. He set off a series of events to bring me to faith in Himself. He loved me and drew me before I knew Him.

He has blessed me in countless ways ever since. Some years ago, I was inspired to create a list of “Ebenezers.” Samuel once set up for Israel a stone he called an Ebenezer, meaning “a stone of help,” to commemorate what God had done for them. So one year I wrote an extensive list of those special moments in my life when God intervened in a way that could only have come from Him. Remembering answered prayer and times God spoke to my heart from His Word, and so many other evidences of His care in my life, fuels my love for Him.

Psalm 63 gives a vivid picture of such remembrances:

My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy (verses 5-7).

Spend focused time together. Life can settle into routines, and couples end up just passing each other while doing errands, talking only about the mundane affairs of life. We need time to set aside everything and just focus on each other, share our hearts, and listen to each other. That may be a date night or just sitting at the table with coffee.

The same happens with God. As I said last week, routines help establish time with the Lord. But after a while, they can feel just routine, like we’re just working through a list and not connecting. Remembering that I am meeting with my Lord alone helps me refocus.

Forgive. A couple on the brink of divorce has accumulated a lot of hurts and slights. It’s easy to only see the negative. It may take time and counseling to work through all of that, but at some point, they’ll need to learn to forgive each other.

Elisabeth Elliot said once that a wife may like 80% of what her husband says and does, yet focus and harp on the 20% she doesn’t like. Once we get fixated on the negative, it fills our vision til that’s all we can see.

This one is different in our relationship with God. Some people speak of “forgiving God” when He does things we don’t like, but I cringe at such talk. We don’t need to forgive Him. He’s the Holy, pure, all-wise, all-powerful, righteous God of the universe! He does nothing wrong. It’s a little audacious to think of us forgiving Him.

Yet, He does things that confuse us. He may not have answered a heartfelt prayer. He may have allowed a tragedy. We might be hurt, resentful, or even angry. But we’re in trouble if we hold these things against Him. Jesus said, ” Blessed is the one who is not offended by me” (Matthew 11:6).

Thankfully, we have the psalms and prophets as examples of people pouring out their hearts before God, sometimes in confusion and anguish and anger. They remind themselves of what they know to be true about God—that He loves them, that He will take care of them and meet their needs— and they find peace. So we need to remind ourselves of who God is and His right to rule in our lives according to His purposes. And we remind ourselves that He doesn’t bring suffering in our lives capriciously. “For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not afflict from his heart or grieve the children of men” (Lamentations 3:31-33).

Put the other first. When human relationships are on the verge of breaking up, selfishness has likely crept in, probably on both sides. One of my former professors (Dr. Walter Fremont) used to say love is the self-sacrificing desire to meet the need of the cherished object. It’s easy to focus on what we want others to do for us—or what they’re failing to do for us—and overlook our own failings.

God doesn’t “need” anything from us. But there are things He asks of us. We ask Him to bless our plans without considering whether they are His plans. Paul reminds us, “If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth” (Colossians 3:1-2).

I don’t mean to be simplistic about either romantic love or spiritual love. There may be a lot of layers to peel back and issues to work through. People may need help and counsel in either case. But these steps can get us started in the right direction.

What helps you rekindle your love for God?

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