I was shocked a few years ago when someone I respected urged her kids to make fun of a couple in a restaurant who were looking at their phones instead of interacting with each other.

Much has been written about the way our devices are intruding themselves into our lives. That’s a concern, no question about it.

But seeing a couple at a table using their phones doesn’t necessarily mean they are ignoring each other. Perhaps they’ve been traveling together, talking while on the road. Maybe they’ve been doing yard work all day, and this is their first chance to rest and check their messages or email.

One word stood out to me in a recent Sunday School lesson: the word “supposed.” In Acts 21-22, Paul inadvertently started a riot, twice. Why? People “supposed” that Paul had brought a Gentile man into the temple. That might not sound like anything to start a riot about to us. But in that day and time, Gentiles were not allowed into the temple.

The mob grabbed Paul, dragged him out of the temple, started beating him, and sought to kill him. They stopped beating Paul only when the Roman tribune came. The tribune couldn’t get a straight answer about what the problem was, so he took Paul away. Paul actually had to be carried part of the way because of the mob.

All because of a supposition.

Granted, the Jewish people were primed to suspect Paul. He had been sharing the gospel with Gentiles. He taught that Christ fulfilled the law in our place because we never could. Nowhere did he teach against the law and the temple, as they asserted. But because people didn’t take time to find out the facts, they turned into a mob at a supposition.

We see similar virtual mobs and “cancellations” on social media these days. People grab onto one rumor or build up a whole scenario based on one piece of news, and there’s just no reasoning with them.

But even if we don’t join the mob, we can be guilty of silently judging people in our hearts. The couple on their phones. The fans of the candidate we don’t like. The person with a different view of masks and the pandemic. The person who cut us off in traffic. The friend who walked by without acknowledging us.

We even carry suppositions into our homes: when we hear a crash and see our son with a bat, when our teenager comes in past curfew, when our husband leaves a mess on the counter. If we’re not careful, tempers flare and we react based on our assumptions. Then we create even more problems: we hurt the feelings of our loved ones if we assumed wrong and we make them defensive if we accuse them.

How can we avoid or combat “supposing?”

Ask or research. A lot of our supposing and the judgments that result would be eliminated if we acknowledged that most of the time, we don’t know the whole story. We can’t see people’s hearts, thoughts, or motives. “The one who gives an answer before he listens — this is foolishness and disgrace for him.” (Proverbs 18:13, CSB). The New Testament reinforces this truth in James 1:19: “My beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”

I was struck some years ago when a visiting preacher at church spoke about God’s questioning Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden after they sinned. He knew where they were, why they were hiding, and what they had done. So why did He ask them? This preacher suggested it was to disarm them and give them a chance to process what they had done. When we accuse, people become defensive. 

When the matter is personal, we should ask the other person what happened instead of assuming.

If the matter is something online or in the community, we should make sure we know the facts before we jump in. We should also ask ourselves if the matter is any of our business.

Give the benefit of the doubt. A former pastor said that when the Bible tells us love “believes all things, hopes all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7), another way we could say it is that love cherishes the best expectations of others. We shouldn’t assume the worst. Early in our married lives, I told my husband that when he left stuff out, I felt like I was being treated like a maid. He said he wasn’t leaving things out with the expectation that I was supposed to pick them up: he either forgot or overlooked them or ran out of time.

Don’t share unless necessary. When we share our assumptions, whether online or to our friends, we need to consider two things. If what we assume is not true, we’re spreading lies. And even if our assumption is true, do we really need to share it? What’s our motive? Do we want to defame the person involved, or stir up negative feelings against him? Do we want to feel superior or “in the know?” There are times it’s necessary to discuss others’ wrongdoing, but we need to be cautious.

Treat others as we want to be treated. “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 7:12). We’ve all been misjudged at times. We need to remember what that feels like and let it motivate us not to misjudge others.

Remember we reap what we sow. In Matthew 7:2, Jesus said, “For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.” His previous statement is “Judge not, that you be not judged.” We often stop at the first phrase: judge not. This is a passage that is highly misunderstood. Jesus wasn’t saying we’re never to evaluate what people do and decide if it’s right or wrong. We’re called to discernment throughout the Bible. But we’re to be careful, because how we judge is how we’ll be judged.

Take care of our own faults first. The next verses in Matthew share an ironic, almost humorous picture of someone with a big log in his own eye trying to take the speck out of his brother’s eye. We do the same thing some times when we pick at others while we ignore our own sins and faults.

That little word “supposed” was a rebuke to my spirit and a reminder to be careful with assumptions.

Have you ever been misjudged? Do you find yourself sometimes making wrong assumptions about others? What helps you remember to evaluate fairly and kindly?

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