Enjoy the 80 Percent

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Enjoy the 80%

Many of you know that writer Elisabeth Elliot has been my “mentor from afar” for over forty years.

One of my favorites quotes comes from her book Love Has a Price Tag:

My second husband once said that a wife, if she is very generous, may allow that her husband lives up to eighty percent of her expectations. There is always the other twenty percent that she would like to change, and she may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it very much. She may, on the other hand, simply decide to enjoy the eighty percent, and both of them will be happy

That’s so true, isn’t it? We tend to fixate on the small things that bug us rather than the great majority of things we love.

I was thinking recently that this principle applies to more than marriage.

Take friendship, for instance. My best friend in high school had a lot of good qualities, but she was slow-moving, especially when we were to go somewhere together. Any attempts to hurry her led to even more slowness. Constant harping on this one issue would only have driven a wedge between us.

Or neighbors. A good neighbor is a treasure. A bad neighbor is a pain. We don’t want to offend the person who is going to live right next door to us for years, maybe decades. So we pick our battles. We can live with some irritants to keep peace.

We might love our work, but it’s not all sunshine. Even with the best job, there are always a couple of unpleasant aspects.

And what about churches? None is perfect. You’ve probably heard the old cliche: “If you find a perfect church, don’t join it, because then it won’t be perfect any more.” No one church will be and do everything we might like.

When I hear of people leaving church because of some disappointment, I often think of the Corinthians, the epitome of dysfunctional churches. If we had visited such a church in our searches, we would not have gone to this one twice.

Yet every time I read 1 and 2 Corinthians, I am amazed at how patient the apostle Paul is in dealing with them. They had much more than 20 percent that needed to be dealt with, but he never gave up on them.

Enjoying the 80 percent of any relationship doesn’t mean we can never address the aspects we don’t enjoy. But sometimes, as the KJV puts it, we need to forbear with one another. Other translations say bear with, make allowance for, tolerate, or even put up with each other.

And the Bible goes beyond just bearing with each other. Ephesians 4:1-3 says: “I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”

Humility, gentleness, patience, love, unity, and peace: these are all more important than whatever irritates us about each other.

A couple of other thoughts that help me with this: there’s probably more than 20 percent about me that others have to “put up with,” yet they graciously do. My husband and friends don’t constantly find fault and criticize or insist I do things their way. I can extend that grace to them.

Also, even though God is in the business of correcting and sanctifying us, He does it with patience and grace. He doesn’t pile up everything we need to deal with all at once. We’d be crushed under the load.

One caveat to this 80 percent principle: it depends on what’s in the 20 percent. If a wife likes everything about her husband except the fact that he beats her, that behavior is not something that should be overlooked or ignored. If one friend learned that the other was embezzling his company, or cheating on his wife, he would be wise to step in. If we love the music, fellowship, people, and preaching of a church, yet the leadership denies that Jesus is God, or tells us we get to heaven by doing good works, then we need to find another church.

But in most cases, the 20 percent we don’t like is comprised of smaller issues. Can we not overlook them, for God’s glory and for the love and fellowship of His people?

Ephesians 4:2-3: bear with one another in love

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

24 thoughts on “Enjoy the 80 Percent”

  4. great post and much of this is in the current book by Joyce Meyer my small group is doing. Same principle anyways…..in fact ,I’ve finished the book and just did a book review on it. One thing I learned was that Jesus was silent several different times in the Bible. Sometimes when dealing with a difficult person, we don’t need to respond at all. Just our silence speaks volumes. We are called to Love the way He did.

    Sadly we did have to leave a church in 2005 as it became spiritually abusive and they were covering up some sin in leadership. It broke our hearts but God had better plans for us. My sister had to leave her first husband due to abuse i the marriage and he wasn’t repentent nor willing to go to counseling. Her Baptist pastor actually told her she had grounds for divorce. It was a matter of being safe!

    This is such a good post Barbara. Thank you for this.

  5. This reminds me of the apostle Peter’s admonition to love deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. I used to think that meant ignoring the sins, but I think more accurately it means putting those faults or irritants in a more eternal perspective. In that way, love helps us discern whether it’s our business to say anything, whether the thing that annoys us is actually a sin issues, and reminds us to speak and act in love rather than frustration. That does sound like enjoying the 80 percent!

  8. Barbara, such a good post! May I enjoy the 80% and not let the 20% spoil the goodness I have been given!

  9. Love these thoughts, and I too love EE. I think I’ve read this thought of hers, but I appreciated your expanding on them–

  10. I try to focus on the positive and overlook or at least minimize the imperfections. We’re all human beings doing the best we can. Today I choose to be happy and see people as gifts in my life. Nancy Andres @ Colors 4 Health.

  11. I have been struggling with a friendship, because I would like to be closer friends, and the other person, who seemed to want more closeness before, now does not. However, it’s still a very special relationship, and this post was a great reminder for me to appreciate what I do have here, and surrender the rest to God.

  13. What a refreshing perspective, Barbara! It’s so easy to get caught up in the pursuit of perfection that we miss the beauty and blessings of the “80 percent” in our lives. Your post is such a timely reminder to embrace contentment and gratitude, even when things aren’t ideal. I love how you point out that God often works through the imperfect and incomplete to grow us and bring glory to Himself. Thank you for encouraging us to enjoy the blessings we do have and to trust God with the rest! And, thank you so much for linking up at InstaEncouragements this week!

  14. Elliot’s second husband was so right. I appreciate how you applied it to everyday situations. True wisdom and perspective.

  15. This is a great post and a good reminder for me, as I already know about the 80/20 rule which is so helpful in life. Loved that you gave some examples too……….Thanks for posting.

    Blessings, Nellie

  16. Wonderful post, Barbara. It all comes back to what we choose to focus on, doesn’t it? Now I’m thinking of 1 Corinthians 13:7: “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

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  18. This is the fabulous message Barbara. This left me thinking for a long while. Pinned 📌 so I can reference this when I need to reflect.

    I appreciate you sharing this message with Sweet Tea & Friends this month.

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