In the twenty-some years I’ve read blogs, I’ve come across several posts about what not to say to people in certain situations. I found these articles helpful and eye-opening.
For instance, many single people really don’t like being asked why they aren’t married or dating anyone. They may be wondering the same thing. They may be hurting and lonely. Or they may be postponing dating in their current season of life.
Likewise, it’s not usually wise to ask a young married couple when they are going to have children. They may be trying. They may have had miscarriages. They may want to but can’t afford to yet.
It’s never wise to ask any woman when she is due unless you know she is pregnant. In my young married years, loose dresses with no belts or waistlines were fashionable, leading to many mistaken conclusions.
When my husband and I were dating in college, we returned from summer and Christmas breaks to friends asking if we were engaged yet. I was spending much thought and time in prayer trying to discern if that was God’s will for us. I felt uncomfortably pressured by all the questions and expectations.
Sometimes we’re not trying to be hurtful, but we’re just thoughtless in our speech. Years ago, friends with the last name of Fox had their first child. When I saw them at church I smilingly quipped the verse about “little foxes spoiling the vine.” The husband looked at me wearily and said, “Everyone says that.” I instantly realized what a thoughtless, inane, and even unkind statement that was, and later was convicted that it was a horrible misuse of Scripture.
Many of these questions are plainly none of our business. Some cause pain even if we mean them as a lighthearted inquiry. Ephesians 4:29 reminds us, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” We need to be careful, thoughtful, prayerful, and edifying in what we say.
Yet, not everyone will see articles like the ones mentioned. Someone will inevitably say something that rubs us the wrong way. What then?
Avoid sarcastic comebacks. It can be tempting to strike back. But most times, people don’t realize they’ve said something hurtful. Sending back a zinger will only escalate the incident.
Give the benefit of the doubt. Most people truly do mean well. If they are trying to say hurtful things on purpose–then we need to have a different kind of conversation with them.
Appreciate their interest. At least they are interested in our lives and they’re not ignoring us.
Educate if needed. If they’ve never been in our situation, of course they are not going to understand. A friend whose child had life-threatening allergies has often had to shed light on common misconceptions and weather all kinds of misinformed comments about allergies.
Realize sometimes we’re the problem. Sometimes something is meant well but we take it the wrong way.
View the opposite end of the spectrum. Sometimes, people are so afraid of saying the wrong thing that they say nothing. We can foster that by too much complaining about the wrong things that have been said.
Give them grace, the same grace we would want people to extend to us if we said the wrong thing…because we likely will at some point. In fact, we probably have at some time without realizing it.
Confront or overlook. If someone has been truly hurtful, we may need to talk to them privately about why their comment caused pain and try to resolve the issue. (Matthew 18:15: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother”).
Or we may decide just to overlook the comment (I Peter 4:8: “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins”; Proverbs 10:12: “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses”).
Whether we confront or overlook, we need to deal with it one way or the other and let it go. We shouldn’t hold it against them, carry a grudge, let it fester, become bitter, or avoid them afterward.
We need to forgive on the basis of the great wrongs we have been forgiven, not on the basis of whether or not they “deserve” it (See Matthew 18:20-35). We didn’t deserve God’s forgiveness, and He has forgiven us so much more than anything anyone has done or said to us. (Matthew 6:14-15: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses”).
We need to exercise patience and forbearance. (Colossians 3:12-13: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive”; Ephesians 4:1-3: “I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace”).
We need to be filled with and manifest the fruit of the Holy Spirit: (Galatians 5:22-23: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law”).
It’s not that we can never discuss the sensitive topics like those mentioned at the beginning of this post. But we need to think before we speak and consider whether what we’re about to say is wise or helpful. We need to take into account the timing, setting, and our relationship with the person. We need to ascertain if we’d do better to be quiet or talk about another topic.
Whether we’re the speakers or the receivers, we need to walk closely with the Lord, seek His guidance, and “give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29).
(Revised from the archives)
(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)
Stray Thoughts 
Yikes, how many times have I asked the wrong questions?
I think we all have at times. I am thankful for grace and forgiveness.
Amen to that!❤️🙏
A great article! I’ve been the recipient of some of those comments from people who might be well meaning but often just curious. I was met with so many comments after my husband died. People don’t know what to say and so sometimes they blurt out things that are just not comforting. I had a lady tell me over and over to the effect of….”Don’t worry. You’ll marry again.” I laugh at that now, but then, I wanted to run away from her!
I didn’t even think about things people say when someone has passed away–some of those would have been good to include. We so often want to “make it better,” when really we need to “weep with those who weep.”
It is a very uncomfortable situation for all involved, the bereaved and the one trying to console. I read somewhere that often it’s best just to sit with the bereaved and say nothing.
Very wise advice. We need to be wise and kind with our own words. I’ve put my foot in my mouth so many times because I spoke too quickly and didn’t consider my words. I’ve been on the receiving end of incosiderate comments as well, and in most cases I’m sure the people who spoke thoughtlessly to me were not trying to be hurtful – they just spoke too quickly or didn’t realize their words were not appropriate. It’s an opportunity to practice graciousness.
Thanks, Barbara, for helpful thoughts on a difficult topic. I have a few people in my life who speak thoughtlessly (or it seems that way to me, it may not be their intent) to me frequently. It’s been a journey trying to bite my tongue and give the hurt to Jesus (yes, I know in some situations it’s helpful to talk these things through with the person, but in these situations I think it would make things worse). This has made me ultra-careful in trying not to say hurtful things to others. Still, I know of a time or two where I have, and I’m sure I’ve said other things unintentionally that were hurtful. It’s good to ponder this today and try with God’s help to do better.
This is so insightful, Barbara.
Thank you, Lois.
Such a well thought out post, Barbara, with Scripture to support your points. Our words are so important and thinking before we speak them can be so helpful.
Good advice. I have a funny story about asking if someone is having a baby. When I worked, not too long after I had my last child, I thought I was doing pretty good with my weight. I worked in the front desk when clients came in to visit one of the managers. I let him in, and he asked how much time I had left. I answered thinking he was referring to what time my day was done. I said in about about half an hour. He then went back to visit who he came to see. Later, the one he came to see told me that man was so embarrassed because he meant when I was due. Rather than be that insulted, I had to laugh because of the answer that I gave him. Plus, I did hope that he didn’t think that I was giving a smart answer because I really didn’t imagine he was asking that question. hahaha
How funny! I can easily imagine that misunderstanding.
This is a really good post Barbara. I was very hurt when a well meaning woman in our former church way back in 1988 asked me why i was not married yet. I was only 28!!!! Good grief! I had college debt, was in a new teaching career, and paying off a car, etc. It was the WAY she asked the question that bugged. Kind of condescending. I paused. I had to take a deep breath. And then I told her ” i almost married the wrong guy. The Holy Spirit whispered to me to say No. I’m thankful I did. God will show me when my time is right and may be He has different plans for me. I might not GET married.” That shut her up. I said it quietly and professionally like I was talking to one of my students’ parents. I think she meant well. (little did I know that guy the Lord said to say no to, many years later, ended up in prison for molesting his 11 yr old daughter!!) . PRAISE GOD i heard His voice and did NOT marry that guy! I waited on the Lord for the right one for me,and 2 years later met Dave. 🙂
Anyways, this is long, sorry!! I’ve learned to NOT ask pointed questions to people. I figure if i’m meant to know something, the person will tell me! I’m sure things I’ve posted have been taken the wrong way but I try to be polite and watch my tongue….er…watch what I type!
I have appreciated Nancy Guthrie’s writing about “what not to say” to the grieving.
On the home front here, I really try to give people the benefit of the doubt, assuming that they mean well in spite of all the evidence to the contrary.
I think so often we are just looking to make a connection and have something to talk about but we don’t think about how those questions can come across or how repetitive they can get especially during certain ages and stages. I know my boys often roll their eyes about all the family members asking them what grade they are in now and what their college/future plans are. They can be hard questions to answer.
I’ve thought that with graduations seniors–they must get so tired of questions about what their plans are. Yet it’s the natural thing to wonder in that stage of life.
Great post! We need grace in our speaking and receiving.
Ephesians 4:29 is a great scripture for this issue. If all of us were building everyone up, what a great world we would have! But since that is not going to happen, we can still do our part to build up as many as possible.
And, I really feel most people speak before they think …
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After my dad died, there were a few comments about how it wasn’t as bad because he’d been sick for a while. My dad had Fabry disease, so he was sick for a while. But months before he died, he’d had heart surgery, and he felt better and was more active than he’d been in years. His death was still a surprise. Not to mention, I also have the same disease. Insensitive comments happen. But I appreciate your reminders here. It’s so easy to say things thoughtlessly, and we’ve all done it at some point. I also appreciated your reminder about being afraid to say the wrong thing. Sometimes I just don’t say anything, and I’m not sure that’s the answer either. Thank you for this thought-provoking post, Barbara.
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