When one of my sons was a child, he got hold of the word “irritating” – as in, “Mo-ooom, he’s irritating me.”

We tried to teach our boys not to irritate each other on purpose, not to hit, tease, “bother,” bait, infringe on the possessions or person of the other, etc. But sometimes in everyday living together, we’re going to irritate each other.

After listening to whatever had irritated my young son, I would deal with the issue. But when the complaints of irritation grew, I would say something like, “You need to work on not being so irritate-able” (pronounced on purpose for emphasis). That was not a satisfying answer. The problem is with the other guy, Mom! You need to make him stop!

I need to heed my own advice. I find myself getting far too irritated far too often. Sometimes it’s the other thing or person that is being irritating, or causing the issue: the stupid recalcitrant computer, the driver who wasn’t watching what he was doing, the Alexa device that can’t handle a simple request, etc.

But too often, it’s just a matter of my own irritate-ableness. Touchiness, my mom used to call it.

Honestly, little irritations trip me up spiritually much more often than major trials.

So what can I do when I am feeling irritable?

Remember we live in a fallen world. Appliances and cars break down at the most inconvenient times. Traffic jams seem to occur when I am most in a hurry. We all have sin natures that won’t be completely eradicated until we get to heaven. I shouldn’t be surprised when things go wrong or when there are occasional misunderstandings.

Fix the issue, if possible. Find out if there is something wrong with the computer, leave early so every red light isn’t aggravating, slow down and take the necessary time to accomplish something so haste doesn’t create more problems, gently ask the other person to refrain from or change whatever they are doing,etc.

Forbear. A former pastor used to say forbearing was just good old-fashioned putting up with each other. Ephesians 4:1-3 goes a step further and speaks of “forbearing one another in love” (“bearing with” in some translations).

Humble myself. The verses mentioned speak of humility and meekness. Who am I to think that the entire world should revolve around my preferences? Colossians 3:12-14 also speaks of forbearance in the context of “kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering,” and forgiveness.

Focus on the other person. When I am fixated on an irritating behavior in someone else, I view the whole person through that lens. Instead, I need to focus on that person as another child of the Father whom He loves every bit as much as He loves me and seek ways to serve him or her.

Do unto others as I would have them do unto me. I need to remember that I’m probably unwittingly irritating someone else who is being forbearing with me. I need to handle the irritations that come from other people as graciously as I would want them to handle mine.

Don’t make excuses. There are certain times, seasons, hormones, and circumstances that make one more susceptible to irritability. I admit it is really hard for me to be civil, much less loving, when I haven’t had enough sleep. And during certain hormonal surges I’ve wondered how in the world not to blow up at someone. But God’s promises and requirements don’t have exception clauses for “those” times. He gives more grace when we ask Him and rely on Him for it.

Behold our God. II Corinthians 3:18 says we’re changed more and more into Christ’s likeness as we behold Him. When I look inside and tell myself I need to be more kind, loving, forbearing, etc., I get discouraged and fail because I don’t have it in myself (Romans 7:18). But when I look at Him, that irritability seems to just melt away.

The Lord is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made (Psalm 145:8-9).

For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly (! Peter 2:21-23). 

Pray. I often pray Colossians 1:9-14 for myself and my loved ones. Verse 11 says, “Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness.” We need God’s strength to be patient. Along with His power, He also gives us joy.

Trust God to work through even this. Author and missionary Elisabeth Elliot has been my “mentor from afar” for most of my adult life. She was honest about her human failings and struggles. She wrote in A Lamp for My Feet:

How can this person who so annoys or offends me be God’s messenger? Is God so unkind as to send that sort across my path? Insofar as his treatment of me requires more kindness than I can find in my own heart, demands love of a quality I do not possess, asks of me patience which only the Spirit of God can produce in me, he is God’s messenger. God sends him in order that he may send me running to God for help.

It encouraged me that Elisabeth had some of the same feelings I wrestle with.

God uses some people and circumstances as sandpaper to smooth our rough edges. Romans 5:3-5 tells us “suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” That’s true of “little” sufferings as well as the big ones. 

(Revised from the archives.)

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