I am in a writing critique group where we take turns presenting a piece to the others for their feedback. Few things have impacted my writing more than having others read it and make suggestions to improve it.

With my last submission, I asked the group about what tone came across. I wanted to sound like an encouraging friend sitting across the table, not a lecturer.

Some of the ladies pointed out that I used “should” a number of times and suggested that I reword those sentences.

They were absolutely correct. Writing what people “should” do can sound like wagging my finger in their faces while frowning over my eyeglasses at them, even when that’s not how I’m thinking as I write.

For instance, instead of writing “You should read your Bible every day,” it’s more encouraging to say “Reading the Bible regularly helps us know God, His character, and His will for us.” The first sentence seems guilt-inducing (not only the “should,” but also saying “You” instead of “we”).

Those thoughts led to a rabbit trail concerning “should.” The word often grates. Buy why?

For instance, recently I bristled in response to an article which said I should read a certain author’s books. I didn’t know the author. None of his book titles interested me. Nothing I read about the author inspired me to read him. I left the site feeling irritated rather than inspired. .

“Shoulds” can seem to imply judgment. I don’t think they are always judgmental; but they feel that way. If we don’t want to do what the other person says we should, we feel guilty–even when we disagree with what they think we should do.

Also, when someone says we should do a thing, it makes them sound superior. Their way, their foods, their health practices, their books, their preferences–whatever they are recommending, they think it’s better than what we’re doing. And that makes us (or at least me) think, “Who do you think you are?” They may be sharing excellent advice, but it hits wrong.

Even if others don’t sound superior, they can seem like busybodies. An older lady at one of our churches told a young married lady she and her husband needed to get busy and have kids, and an older woman with six kids that she needed to slow down her baby production. That advice definitely crossed lines and caused hurt. But even lesser “shoulds” can do that.

Sometimes “should” affects us negatively because we just don’t like being told what to do.

Often, though, I think “should” deflates us because we’re heaped up with so many “shoulds” already that we can’t keep up with. We’re pressured by a whole list of unmet “shoulds” for family, our spiritual lives, health, friends, church, neighbors, our homes . . . we never get it all done, leaving us in an endless guilt cycle.

However, “should” is not always negative.

If I’m teaching my child to brush his teeth, I might say, “You should brush your teeth twice every day.” My dentist told me I should floss daily. “Should,” in those cases, is helpful.

Sometimes “should” is instructional. A math teacher will tell students why they should do long division or multiply fractions a certain way. A science teacher will tell students what they should and shouldn’t do in the lab, for everyone’s safety as well as their learning.

“Should” can even be a promise, or at least a hope. A financial advisor might recommend certain investments which should yield a profit.

“Should” is somewhat easier to take from an authority. We expect a parent, teacher, coach, or boss to tell us what we should do. In fact, we often welcome it. I would feel lost and frustrated in class or at a job where I had no idea what was expected of me.

“Should” also comes across better when there is a relationship behind it. I could probably handle “should” better from my husband or a good friend than from a casual acquaintance or an Internet stranger.

The Bible is full of shoulds and should nots, even when that exact word isn’t used. God is our ultimate authority. But His instructions and requirements are also based on His relationship with His own, His love for them, and His desire for their best interests.

Some of my favorite “shoulds” in the Bible:

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you (Psalm 32:8).

There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God (Ecclesiastes 2:24).

The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord (Lamentations 3:25-26).

Thus it is written, that the Christ should suffer and on the third day rise from the dead, and that repentance for the forgiveness of sins should be proclaimed in his name to all nations, beginning from Jerusalem (Luke 24:46-47).

For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you (John 15:16).

They should repent and turn to God, performing deeds in keeping with their repentance (Acts 26:20b).

One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind (Romans 14:5).

But all things should be done decently and in order (1 Corinthians 14:40).

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted (Galatians 6:1). 

And this is love, that we walk according to his commandments; this is the commandment, just as you have heard from the beginning, so that you should walk in it (2 John 1:6).

“Should” has its place.

In my writing, I need to be careful with “should.” It’s usually best to avoid it and reframe my sentences to sound more encouraging.

But when I read or hear “should,” I need to consider it prayerfully and take into account who is saying it and what they are saying I should do. If they are heaping more on me than I can take, imposing their own opinions, or trying to induce shame or guilt, it may be best to ignore their “shoulds.”

But if the admonition is coming from someone who knows me and cares for me, who is responsible for me, who has my best interests in mind, they might be trying to help or guide me. I should probably heed what they say.

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