One of my biggest regrets is that I often did not have a good attitude when caregiving for my mother-in-law. I wanted her to be well taken care of. But I did not have a natural caregiver’s heart. I often felt the weight of caregiving. I resented the intrusion on my time and plans for that stage of my life. When she was under hospice care for three years, we had bath aides, social workers, a chaplain, and a doctor coming in and out (often without calling first). Even though I liked most of the people, I often felt the introvert sanctuary of my home had been invaded.
I tried to fight these feelings by reminding myself of God’s truth: it was good and right and biblical to care for my mother-in-law. She had lovingly cared for my husband, and then our family after we married; she deserved our care in return. This was my ministry for that time in my life, and it was every bit as important as writing a book or teaching a class. God would give grace for each day, each moment, as needed.
Yet I still felt guilty about having these negative feelings in the first place.
Paul talks about the difference between regret and repentance, or worldly versus godly grief in 2 Corinthians 7:10-11. It’s important that we don’t stop at regret. It’s possible to feel bad about doing wrong without really repenting of it. Repentance will involve realization that we sinned against God, confession to Him that what we did was wrong, with no excuses or self-justification, and asking for His grace and help to change.
But even after repentance, we sometimes still regret what we did.
After my mother-in-law passed away, my guilt multiplied rather than ebbed. I confessed these things to the Lord. I knew He forgave me. But I still regretted my wrong attitudes and wished I had served her better.
I think this might be what people experience when they say they can’t forgive themselves. If God forgives us, who are we to withhold forgiveness? We have to accept that we are fallen creatures with a bent towards selfishness.
But even with forgiveness, we still regret our past actions. We wonder how we could have been so thoughtless or selfish.
When the person we’ve wronged has passed on, or we’ve lost touch, our regret festers. There’s no way to make it right, to apologize to that person.
Something happened recently to help me realize regrets can be redeemed.
I walked into the church restroom to find two ladies talking who were both currently taking care of their mothers. One knew I had taken care of my mother-in-law and pulled me into the conversation.
One of the things that had helped me most during my mother-in-law’s care was talking to other people who were currently or formerly caring for a parent. I could be a little freer to share with them and know I’d be understood. So now, I was able to help others in that way: mainly by listening, but sometimes by sharing something that helped me.
God has redeemed my regrets in other ways as well: softening my heart, helping me to be more watchful and prayerful, reminding of my need of His grace and help.
Of course, caregiving is not the only area where I have regrets. As I get older, past situations where I have failed come to mind–in parenting, relationships, ministry, and just about every area.
I can’t go back and redo the things I’ve done wrong. But I can encourage others. I can learn from my failures. God can use the way He helped me by sharing with others. He truly does work all things together for good to those who love Him (Romans 8:28). This doesn’t excuse the wrongdoing. But God, in His grace, can use it for good.
I imagine David regretted his sin with Bathsheba. Even though he got a wife and a son out of the situation, he faced other consequences. His sensitive heart, once it was right with God again, had to have berated himself. But out of that scenario came Psalm 51, which ministers to any who have sinned with the hope of forgiveness and redemption. God still used him to write psalms, prepare Solomon for his reign, and provide for the temple Solomon would build.
I’m sure Peter always regretted that he denied knowing Christ when Jesus was arrested and crucified. Jesus forgave him, restored him, and gave him a ministry. His epistles exhort readers to humility and to face suffering and persecution with joy–things I think he learned through his experiences.
It’s not that doing good deeds can somehow make up for our bad deeds. That’s how redemption often works in literature, but not with God. Just as we’re saved by His grace at the beginning, so we walk in His grace throughout life. We don’t do good things to rack up points with Him or to “even the scales”–we could never do enough! Rather, when He forgives us, we serve Him with renewed and thankful hearts.
For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life (Titus 3:3-7).
But shouldn’t we know better after we’re saved? Isn’t sin that much more heinous after salvation?
The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. . . . As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust” (Psalm 103:13-14).
Micah 7:18 says God delights in mercy.
I love what Christina Rossetti wrote: “A fall is a signal not to lie wallowing, but to rise.” We need to let regret do its convicting, humbling work in us. But then we need to seek God’s grace to keep going, walking closely with Him. He might even redeem our regrets by bringing up opportunities to encourage others with what we have learned.
(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)
Stray Thoughts 
Caregiving, even under the best circumstances is a difficult undertaking.
It is. Everyone I have ever talked to who cared for a parent, whether at home or in a facility, talked about having some level of guilt.
Thanks so much! This is so helpful!
Thank you. 🙂
Thank you for this message. I can truly relate to your words. Thank you for the reminder that even though we sin and fall short of what God wants us to do, God will always love us and forgive us when we seek Him. Have a blessed day! 🙂
I’m so thankful for His grace and forgiveness and restoration.
Thank you, Barbara. This gives me a positive perspective on regret that I need to explore more. Redeemed regrets. Have a beautiful Sunday. 🙏
Thanks so much, Lori.
This blessed me! Thank you.
Thank you, Sandi.
Hi! Trying to grow my blog. Your post was very well written, and I am trying to learn the ropes when it comes to writing. Is it possible if you could give me some feedback on any of my posts? I followed your blog, I’d be honored if you followed mine too! Thanks! Sincerely, Mikayla Scotlynd Littrell
This is so helpful, Barbara, and I’m bookmarking it. I feel regretful in a very similar situation: almost every time I leave a visit with my elderly mom. She is depressed and just very negative about most everything, compares me (and my sisters) negatively compared to others she knows, etc. I try my best to act loving, but I can even sense that my actions may not come across that way and after I leave I always feel guilty. So many times I’ve told friends I wish I had “a heart for the elderly,” since I’m surrounded at the moment by so many of them. I too have been helped by sharing with friends who’ve been in similar situations. I remember when you were caring for your mil and if it helps, I was always so impressed because you seemed to have such a sweet attitude about it. I can’t imagine having her in your home! I am majorly stressed with mine 3 hrs away. Not an easy situation. I like the Rossetti quote!
Everyone I’ve talked to who has cared for parents, whether at home or in a facility, has expressed some level of guilt. I wish I’d had a sweet attitude about caregiving. Most of my posts about it were reminding myself of truth to help correct my bad attitude. Then there’s guilt for having a bad attitude in the first place. 🙂
We had challenges with my m-i-l’s extreme physical needs. But she hardly spoke for three years (she could–every now and then she’d ask about her sister who died years ago. I don’t know if she forgot how to most days or what). Though I felt bad for her silence, that also meant we didn’t have to deal with things others did. In the assisted living place she first stayed in, there was one woman who always hollered for someone to come and help her–even if someone had just been there. And in the nursing home, a lot of the residents came up to us asking help to get home. If we told them we couldn’t, they’d get mad–one lady would start yelling and cursing. So we learned to sidestep the question (It’s about dinnertime–why don’t we eat first?) And friends have talked about parents turning frustration into anger. She wasn’t like that at all, so that was helpful.
Caregiving is a burden even for those who have more aptitude for it. I have several in my fellowship class who are struggling. I find the hardest part is controlling the inner monologue that recounts injuries or incursions. We really do need to submit to the truth in God’s way. Thanks for your candor in this post.
Thanks for sharing so candidly about your regrets. I think regret is the plague of our final decades, and only a gospel-informed view of reality will serve to redeem them for us.
It’s interesting to me that I wrote a post on regrets a few years ago and submitted it to a site where I routinely had been accepted and welcomed, but the post about regrets wasn’t accepted with the explanation that it was relevant only to a few readers. I chuckled about the assessment as it was coming from a relatively young woman… 😂
These words, “Just as we’re saved by His grace at the beginning, so we walk in His grace throughout life. ” were so impactful for me as I read this post, Barbara. His grace enables us to keep on going when life seems too hard. While we didn’t have my mother-in-law living with us, we were still her main caregivers until she needed to be admitted to a nursing home for rehab care. She did not return home from there. It’s not always easy being caregivers but God does give us the strength. I’m so glad that you are now able to help others who are currently in a similar situation as you were when you were caring for your mother-in-law.
I really like that quote from Christina Rossetti. So true. Great post!
Beautifully transparent post, Barbara. The Christina Rossetti quote is one to think on. Regret does do a work in us and then … we need God’s grace to lift us up and keep us walking in His ways.
It’s so hard to let go of regrets, even knowing that we’re forgiven. Thank you for this transparent and useful post, Barbara. I love that you’re using yours to help others.
This post is a real blessing to me. Thank you for writing from your heart. Caregiving is so hard! I found it overwhelming at times and my Mom was in a facility not in my home. I think most of us in this situation can say we have regrets about attitudes, thoughts, etc. Thank God for His grace and strength. I love the thought of redeemed regrets. We need to lay them at His feet and allow Him to use them.
Pingback: April Reflections | Stray Thoughts