When People Don’t Understand

Posted on April 21, 2024 by Barbara Harper

Whenever Hannah’s story is taught from the Bible, one phrase stands out to me that I rarely hear comment on.

Hannah dearly longed for a child. In those days, men had more than one wife, and her husband’s other wife did have children. That would have been hard enough, but this rival wife “used to provoke her grievously to irritate her, because the Lord had closed her womb.” This went on for years.

It seems understandable that Hannah would be grieved. But her husband, Elkanah, said, “Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?”

This is the part of the story I don’t hear teaching about. Elkanah seems a little clueless here. At the worst he sounds arrogant: “Hey, you’ve got me. What else do you need?”

To give him the benefit of the doubt, he may have been thinking of the shame associated with childlessness in that day, or the concern that a childless widow would have no one to care for her after her husband died. Perhaps he means, “Don’t worry about those things, Hannah. My status and provision are enough.”

Even with the best of intentions, Elkanah didn’t seem to understand the longing of his wife’s heart, not just for status or elder care, but for her own child to love. Her yearning for a child did not lessen her love for her husband.

So what did Hannah do? She went to the temple to pray.

Normally this would be a good thing to do. We’re often told these days to draw close to our spiritual community. But sometimes our community rubs salt in the wound instead of helping.

This story occurred during the time of the judges, when “everyone did what was right in his own eyes,” leading to some of the most bizarre behavior recorded in the Bible. This was a low point in Israel’s history. Apparently, the priest, Eli, had seen so little fervent prayer that he thought Hannah was drunk and rebuked her.

So what’s a woman to do when her loved ones and her spiritual community don’t understand her, and, in fact, add to her burden?

Hannah poured out her heart to the Lord. She “was deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly.” She could safely share the depths of her feelings and cares with Him. She knew He was the only one who could meet her need.

She answered kindly. When Eli accused her of being drunk, she didn’t lash out at him. She just explained a little about her heart’s burden. There’s no record that she responded to her rival in kind or fussed at Elkanah.

She did not become bitter. She could have harbored negative feelings against everyone involved, but there’s no record that she did.

She had faith. After she prayed and asked the Lord for a son, she promised to give her child back to God to serve Him. And then “her face was no longer sad.” She left her burdens at His feet. When God did answer her prayers with a son, she kept her vow and gave Him the glory and praise.

In our day, we have more of the Scripture than Hannah did. So we have an extra layer of help. Hebrews 2:17-18 says, “Therefore he [Jesus] had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.” The writer of Hebrews goes on to say in 4:15-16: “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

Jesus is more than our example: He is our Lord and Savior. But He has also suffered the same things we do and shown us how to cope with them.

I don’t know if anyone in history was more misunderstood than Jesus. His family, his disciples, and his community all questioned His teaching and His mission.

What did He do?

He kept sharing truth. He knew some would never understand. He knew His disciples wouldn’t understand much until later. He kept sharing truth anyway, trusting that one day it would make sense to them.

He prayed frequently to the One who did understand and could help others understand, His Father.

He kept loving and working with people even when they misunderstood.

He forgave those who wronged Him. “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23).

When others misunderstand our hurts and concerns, it’s easy to pull away and wrap a protective cloak around ourselves.

Though He often does give us human helpers to counsel, encourage, uplift, and empathize, sometimes they fail us. We need not hold it against them: they’re only human. We fail others sometimes, so we shouldn’t be surprised when others fail us. And sometimes He takes them away so that we may draw closer to Him.

We can do what Hannah did: pour out our hearts to the only One who can truly understand our heart’s longings and our deepest needs. As the old hymn says, “No One Understand Like Jesus.” He may not answer our prayer exactly like we want. But we can trust He knows best.

Because He has been in our place, we know He empathizes with us. He understands thoroughly; He cares intimately; He alone has the power and the wisdom and the grace to meet our needs in the best possible time and way.

(Parts of this post have been revised from the archives.)

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

My Nest Is Empty, but My Heart Is Full

Posted on November 5, 2023 by Barbara Harper

I’m not sure I like the term “empty nest” as a description of life when children grow up and leave home.

Have you ever seen a used empty nest?

Some type of little brown birds used to build a nest every year on top of the corner post of the porch. We could watch their life cycle from our front door: the parents building the nest, the mother sitting, the babies growing and straining their beaks toward the food brought by the parents.

Finally, the parent birds would fly to a nearby bush and call for the babies to come. The babies didn’t move from the nest at first. But eventually, one by one, they flew off.

When we were sure they weren’t coming back, we’d take the nest down and brush away the debris of broken twigs and bird droppings from the post. The nest itself was a mess, as four or five baby birds lived there for weeks without a designated spot for relieving themselves.

Mother bird and I share similarities of raising a flock who have successfully gone on to live independently as adults. But that tattered, speckled, messy weaving of twigs doesn’t match up with how I envision my home or life after grown children leave.

As my oldest sons approached adulthood, I wasn’t sure how I’d cope when they left home. I always felt being a wife and mother were my main responsibilities and priorities. How could such an intense relationship with daily interaction abruptly change? How could I suddenly flip a switch from full-time mother to a “retired” one?

Actually, it wasn’t such a sudden switch after all. From the time we first teach them to feed and dress themselves and become responsible, we show them how to start operating independently of us. As they learn to drive, become involved in youth group or music lessons or a part-time job, they spend more and more time away from us. They go to camp and then youth group mission trips. When they go away to college, they take first steps towards adult living while coming home for breaks. (Even though mine commuted to college while living at home, they spent their days and evenings away.)

So by the time kids leave home, they and their parents have had some experience being separated.

Still, that initial move away from home is hard. My middle son left first, getting married a couple of months after college graduation. It didn’t hit me until he started bringing home boxes to pack his stuff in. When I got teary, he made a sign that said “Sewing Room” and put it on his door.

Even though he didn’t live under our roof after marriage, he and his wife lived just a few minutes away, and we saw them frequently.

Then we found out that we were going to be the ones moving away when my husband’s job transferred him to TN.

My oldest lived at home for a while after graduation, not sure what his next steps should be. But when we found we were moving, he decided it was time to step out. He had several friends in RI, and one of them offered him a job.

So it felt like our “nest” emptied by two-thirds all at once, as we left my middle son and his wife in SC, and our oldest went to RI, and we moved to TN.

That was agonizingly hard for all of us.

My youngest son moved with us, finished high school, and attended college locally. He lived at home for a few more years, but moved out a couple of years ago. He’s not far away, thankfully, though he’s talking about (and I am praying against) possibly moving to Washington state or Canada.

So my “nest” has been officially empty for a few years now. Here are some thoughts that helped the transition.

Though our children don’t live at home any more, I have not stopped being a mother.

I miss the everyday hearing how their day went and knowing what they’re up to. But I’m abundantly thankful for texts, emails, and FaceTime.

Sometimes they ask advice, and I try to refrain from offering any unless asked.

We still see each other frequently.

I still pray for them, sometimes I think even more intensely.

Though wifing and mothering were my first priorities, they weren’t exclusive. How much to be involved in other things was always a struggle as my children were growing up. But I felt service, both within church and to individual people, was important. I wanted to serve, but I also wanted them to see service was a normal part of Christian life.

I also wanted them to see that hobbies and friendships with others outside the home were healthy.

I had things to look forward to when my kids moved out. Though I missed them, I enjoyed turning one of their bedrooms into a sewing/craft room. Not only was that fun, but it helped so much to have a place for all my materials, to work on projects, and to leave them out.

I look forward to writing more.

I enjoy being able to pick up and and go somewhere with my husband without concerns about babysitters or teenagers at home.

I could “mother” others. Titus 2 specifically instructs older women to teach and encourage younger women. Sometimes that happens via a formal mentoring situation; most often it happens through friendships and “doing life” together. Though we might not consider ourselves “older women” when the nest first empties, we’re older than someone and can encourage them along the way.

Phyllis Le Peau followed Jesus’ admonition “to feed the hungry, care for widows, and visit those in prison.” She found ways to serve in each of those areas.

My mother-in-law’s hospice chaplain had taken on that as well as a jail ministry in retirement years.

An older lady in our church took it upon herself to visit my mother-in-law a couple of times a month in assisted living. When we moved and my mother-in-law lived with us, one lady in the church wrote regular newsy notes.

Though physical issues may arise and strength may wane as we get older, there are still a number of ways older women can serve others.

I think older women are some of the best at what someone called the “ministry of the pew”–showing an interest and talking with others. At every church we visited in the last year and a half, there was always an older woman who went beyond “We’re glad to have you with us” to make us feel especially welcome.

God’s grace is sufficient for every need at hand. God will enable us to transition to the empty nest years when they arrive—not three years before. He is always with those who believe on Him. He created the family structure such that our children grow up, “leave father and mother,” and serve Him as adults. We can trust Him for our children as they leave the nest, and for ourselves as we serve Him in different ways.

I loved being a full-time mother. But God doesn’t want me to live with regret and longing for the past. He has something for me at each new stage of life.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

How Can I Be Nice When My Hormones Are Raging?

Posted on September 17, 2023 by Barbara Harper

(My male readers may want to pass this one by. Then again, if you have women in your life, you might find this helpful.)

Between Sunday School and church, our small choir would meet in a downstairs hallway to run through the song we’d practiced the week before. As my friend, Christy (not her real name), came in, I handed her a songbook.

Christy took the book, threw it across the room onto a table, and kept walking.

I was stunned. So, apparently, were the others waiting in the corridor. Most were aware of her physical issues, and one asked, “Is Christy on her period this week?”

I thought, “How embarrassing that the whole church knows when it’s ‘that time of month.'”

Granted, Christy had more severe problems than most. She ended up having a hysterectomy in her thirties.

Though most of us don’t have that level of discomfort, I don’t know anyone who just breezes through their menstrual cycle. There’s always some level of physical discomfort, inconvenience, and emotional fluctuations that can vary month to month and year to year. Much worse has been done due to hormones than throwing a book.

And “that time of month” isn’t the only time hormones fluctuate to almost unbearable levels. They can run askew at other times. Pregnancy, the post-partum era, and menopause are also rough hormonal spots for women, intensified by interrupted sleep and physical discomfort. The years leading up to menopause (called perimenopause) were much harder for me, resulting in anemia, among other issues..

I always felt that my family and friends didn’t deserve for me to blow up or snap at them. I observed that the passage about the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5 doesn’t have an exception clause for hormones.

Still—I had some days when I prayed, “God, this is impossible. How am I supposed to be nice to people when my hormones are raging?” If walking in the Spirit was hard enough on a normal day, how could I do so with all these other factors working against me?

I don’t want to heap guilt on you on top of everything else. But I do want to encourage you to seek “grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:15-16).

From my limited experience, here are some things that might help. (I am not a doctor or counselor and make no medical or mental health claims.)

1. See your doctor. Don’t feel, “This is just a normal part of womanhood. I should be able to buck up and carry on.” And don’t let your doctor stop there, either. Though hormones are part of being a woman, “normal” varies from person to person. Especially if you feel like either your physical symptoms or emotions are extreme, seek help. There are a variety of things that can aid you both physically and mentally.

2. Establish good health habits. We’re tempted to eat junk when we’re not feeling well. An occasional treat is fine, but taking in good nutrition, exercising, getting enough sleep all throughout the month will help even the worst days.

3. Ask for grace. I used to let my husband know that time of month was coming, and, though I was trying hard to reign myself in, I might be a little more emotional or irritable than usual. He was always very understanding and gracious.

I once listened to a cassette tape (that’s how long ago it was) from Wayne Van Gelderen, Jr., in which he told about his mom having a hard time during menopause. His father asked Wayne, as the oldest child, to be a special help for her. He remarked that years later, when he tried to tell his siblings about the difficulties their mom experienced then, they didn’t believe him. He had seen “behind the scenes,” but they had not.

4. Give yourself grace. Not an excuse, but grace. Sometimes we find ourselves irritable or emotional and don’t realize what’s going on until a couple of days later when our period comes. Then the light dawns. If you have a regular cycle, you can prepare yourself a little better mentally. It’s not always possible, but if you know when your worst days might be, try not to schedule major events then. It’s nice to curl up with a heating pad and a good book (or whatever is comforting to you) or bow out of social obligations those days if you can.

5. Maintain good spiritual habits. Putting on the spiritual armor of Ephesians 6, taking our thoughts captive, being filled with the Spirit, all might be harder at certain times of the month or seasons of life. But this is not a time to let our guard down. We need God’s help more than ever. We might shorten or vary our Bible reading and prayer time when we’re not feeling well, but we shouldn’t drop them. Quick prayers throughout the day call on God’s aid in our need: “Please help me not to feel so irritated, or at least not to lash out.”

6. Rely on God’s grace and strength all the more. Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10: “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth has said, “Anything that makes you need God is a blessing.” We can’t always arrange our circumstances to accommodate how we feel. In fact, sometimes it seems like issues heap up at the worst time of the month. But cry out to your Father and lean on His help all the more, moment by moment.

7. Meditate on Scripture. Here are a few that helped me in addition to the ones mentioned:

“God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (1 Timothy 1:7). Some translations say “a sound mind” rather than “self-control.”
“In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul” (Psalm 94:19, KJV).
“When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, Then You knew my path” (Psalm 142:3, NKJV).
“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you” (Isaiah 26:3).
“God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work” (2 Corinthians 9:8). Sometimes I would shorten this to make it easier to hang onto: “all grace, all sufficiency, all things, all times.”

I also clung to this stanza from “Just As I Am” by Charlotte Elliott:

Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
Sight, riches, healing of the mind;
Yes, all I need, in Thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come!

8. Take life moment by moment. If we wonder how we’re going to get through this week, or theses months after having a baby, or years before menopause, we’ll feel weighed down and helpless. But we just have to rely on God’s grace this moment. And then the next one.

Much more could be said on this subject. Here are a few good articles I found, especially the first one:

How about you? What helps you when hormones cause you trouble?

I want to emphasize again that if you feel your symptoms are more than you can handle, physically or mentally, see your doctor as soon as possible. There is help available.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Trusting God When Our Children Leave the Nest

Posted on August 27, 2023 by Barbara Harper

Trusting God for our children when they leave home

Our oldest son was just here for about ten days. Though saying good-bye was not as intense as the first time he left the nest, it never gets any easier.

My blog and Facebook feeds have been filled with posts about sending a child off to college. For some it’s the first major separation, greater than the first sleepover or week of camp. That first extensive step away from home as adult offspring, whether to college or some other venue, heralds the time when our kids will fully leave the nest behind and start their own homes, families, careers, and traditions.

It’s one thing when our adult children are going to people or places where we have every reason to trust they’ll be safe and continue to grow spiritually. It’s another thing when we have serious reservations about their pathway.

Monica, the mother of Augustine, is famous for praying faithfully for her son’s salvation. At one point, he decided to go to Rome. Monica felt Rome would not be good for him. She pleaded with him not to go, so much so that Augustine eventually lied to her and then slipped away. But it was in Rome that Augustine met friends who were able to help him along in his understanding so that eventually he did come to the Lord.

Augustine wrote, “And what was it, O Lord, that she was asking of thee in such a flood of tears but that thou wouldst not allow me to sail? But thou, taking thy own secret counsel and noting the real point to her desire, didst not grant what she was then asking in order to grant to her the thing that she had always been asking.”

That comforts me when my children want to go to unknown places with unknown people. God knows the places He has prepared for them and the people He wants them to meet.

When my kids were home, it was my nightly routine to check on them before I went to bed. When they were babies, I’d look for the rise and fall of their chests or place a hand on their backs to make sure they were breathing.

In their boyhood, I’d find them sprawled in all sorts of configurations on their beds, covers tangled or on the floor.

As they got older, I wouldn’t actually open their doors any more while they slept. But I was comforted to know they were home safe in their own beds. When they were out, I’d stay up (or at least dozing out on the couch) until they got home. Then I could rest at ease.

But when they step out into their own adult lives, we don’t have that mother hen satisfaction of having everyone safely home under our roof.

It’s a big adjustment.

But it’s also a good reminder. Our care, though heartfelt and intense, is limited. God’s care is not.

I don’t delve much into poetry, but these thoughts inspired a poem a few years ago. It’s not perfect, but I offer it to you in hopes it might be a comfort.

A Mother’s Nightly Ritual

Before a mother goes to bed
She checks each little downy head,
Places a hand on back or chest
Of each sleeping child at rest,
Making sure that all is well
Before succumbing to sleep’s spell.

As children grow and youth abounds,
Yet Mother still must make her rounds.
She can not rest at ease until
Her little ones are calm and still,
Safely tucked into their beds,
Then softly to her own she treads.

From childhood into youth they grow,
And she waits up until she knows
They’re settled safe and sound at home
Til the next day when they roam.
Though now they stay up long past her,
She can’t rest til they’re home, secure.

Her birds fly later from her sight.
Their beds are empty now at night.
She cannot check the rise and fall
Of sleeping breaths within her walls.
Yet she trusts they’re safely kept
By Him who never once has slept.

Though now they sleep beyond her care,
They never move beyond her prayer.
Her nightly vigil now is to
Trust them to the same One Who
Watched o’er Jacob while he roamed,
And kept him safe though far from home.

Barbara Harper
Copyright 2010

Psalm 121:8: The Lord will keep your going out and coming in from this time forth and forevermore.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Is Being a Mother Worth It?

Posted on May 14, 2023 by Barbara Harper

I waited with my youngest infant son in the doctor’s examining room for a well baby check-up. It took the doctor an interminable time to come. Meanwhile, baby had a leaky diaper that necessitated cleaning him and the examining table. Then baby spit up all over his clean clothes and his mom..

And I thought wryly about “the nobility of motherhood.”

Mothering is filled with highs and lows. There is nothing like snuggling with a baby wrapped in a hoodie towel fresh from his shower, the smell of baby shampoo wafting from his hair. Or receiving your first gift of a wildflower plucked with chubby toddler fingers especially for you. Or “book gluttony” after a library visit. Or laughs and tickles and playgrounds when they are young to games and talks and insights when they are older.

But there are also continual struggles with never-ending laundry, picking up toys, feeling like there is not enough time and energy to go around, not to mention blow-out diapers, meltdowns, trying to teach manners, arguing over why eating candy before dinner is not a good idea and why “everybody else is doing it” is not a good reason.

Some women focus more on the bad than the good, as one woman did when she wrote that she regretted having children. So now she advises other women not to have them. She feels motherhood keeps women “out of the work force, trapping them in a prison of domesticity.”

One of her reasons not to have children is that her children disappointed her. She doesn’t reflect on how she disappointed them. She tells women, “To persist in saying ‘me first’ is a badge of courage.” Yet she doesn’t feel that way about the child saying “me first.”

It’s true we sometimes come to motherhood with idyllic expectations. Christians know that our children are born with sin natures, but we’re surprised how early and strongly those natures exert themselves.

And we bring our own sin natures into the mix. It’s no wonder all these sin natures bumping into each other cause conflict and stress.

But they are also an excellent segue for teaching about grace and our need for God’s forgiveness and help. It’s not for nothing Colossians 3:12-14 says, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

Besides sin, children aren’t born knowing how to behave, share, think of others’ feelings, take turns. That’s what parents are for: to patiently teach them all those things.

Many in our society at large honor those who invest their lives in others–teachers, mentors, philanthropists. Yet so many look down on the investments of everyday motherhood, which for love’s sake deals with the nitty gritty and teaches and trains children through the highs as well as the lows, the mundane as well as the heart-warming. Why is being in the work force considered more valuable than training children at home? Why is taking care of and training children considered such a low-level occupation (even among paid professions like child care and teaching, some of the lowest-paid jobs) when children are our future?

Being a mother is hard work. Nothing else in my life showed me my own selfishness and need for God’s wisdom and enabling.

But being a mother is also rewarding work. My children aren’t perfect–of course not, coming from an imperfect mother. I pray God makes up for my mistakes with them. But my children are enjoyable people to know and be around.

In everything else I thought about being when I grew up, I always wanted to be a wife and mother as well. I am so thankful God gave me that opportunity.

So to the naysayers I respond: yes, it is worth it to be a mother. I am so grateful for my mother’s investment of time and love in me and for other women who “mothered” me in various ways.

Even as I try to defend and support motherhood, however, I am keenly aware of the pain of some women whose longing for motherhood is an unanswered prayer. God, for reasons only He knows, has not seen fit so far to bring husband and children.

Though motherhood is a blessing, it is not God’s highest calling. God’s highest calling for each woman is to be exactly where God placed her, doing exactly what He called her to do, whether that’s being a teacher, secretary, writer, nurse, or whatever. He can work in and through us to develop Christlikeness and further His kingdom in any number of ways.

Let your father and mother be glad;
let her who bore you rejoice.
Proverbs 23:25

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Mary’s Three Encounters with Jesus’ Feet

Posted on April 30, 2023 by Barbara Harper

The first time we meet Mary of Bethany in the Bible, her family is hosting Jesus. Mary’s sister, Martha, was “distracted with much serving.” Luke 10:38-42 doesn’t say the disciples were with them or whether Martha was even preparing a meal, though I had always assumed both. Jesus was teaching, so probably more people were there than Him and the siblings. But however many people were there and whatever Martha was doing for them, she was “anxious and troubled.” I’ve been in poor Martha’s shoes many times. I can only imagine how frenzied I would be, wanting everything to be just right, if someone as important as Jesus was in my home.

I’ve always thought of Martha as the older sibling and Mary the younger. I’m not sure where their brother, Lazarus, fits in, but I’ve assumed the middle.

Mary is found at Jesus’ feet, listening to His teaching. Rabbis didn’t usually teach women, but Jesus welcomed Mary. Mary’s posture indicates she looked up to Jesus, both literally and figuratively. She was so caught up in what He was saying, she seemingly didn’t even notice Martha’s bustling about.

Martha spies Mary listening to Jesus. With older-sister indignation, Martha says, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.”

I don’t know how well Martha knew Jesus at this time. John 11-5 says “Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus.” Jesus is often spoken of as coming to or from Bethany, so He probably visited with these siblings many times. But the beginning of this incident simply says, “A woman named Martha welcomed Him into her house” (Luke 10:38), as if they hadn’t known each other before. Martha is quite bold to speak to the Lord so, especially if this is their first encounter. She seemed confident that the Lord would side with her in her busy service.

But He didn’t. He acknowledged her care and concern, but He said, “One thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

Nancy Leigh DeMoss Wolgemuth paraphrases Jesus saying to Martha, “Your company means more to Me than your cooking. You are more important to Me than anything you can do for Me” (Place of Quiet Rest, p. 43).

The second time we see the sisters, Lazarus is seriously ill (John 11). They send for Jesus, saying, “Lord, he whom you love is ill.” So by this time, the relationship between Jesus and the siblings is deep and well-established.

But Jesus purposefully waits to come and see them. By the time He arrives, Lazarus has been dead four days and has already been buried.

Martha comes away from the mourners to talk with Jesus. But Mary, coming a little later, “fell at his feet, saying to him, ‘Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.'” Both women expressed faith, but in different ways. Mary was not afraid to share her sorrow and anguish. Perhaps she was also hurt and confused that Jesus had not come sooner. She laid it all at Jesus’ feet.

“When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled.” “Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows” (Isaiah 53:4).

The final time we see Mary of Bethany is in John 12, just six days before Jesus’ final Passover with His disciples. Martha is serving once again, but uncomplainingly this time. Mary takes “a pound of expensive ointment made from pure nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped his feet with her hair. The house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.” (This appears to be a different incident from that in Luke 7:36-50, though there are a few similarities.)

Mary’s action brought criticism. Judas wondered aloud why this ointment could not have been sold and distributed to the poor (not, Scripture indicates, because he was concerned about the poor, but because he kept the money for the group and helped himself to it.) He not only thought such extravagance was a waste on Jesus, but he coveted it for himself.

But Jesus came to Mary’s defense once again. “Leave her alone, so that she may keep it for the day of my burial.” A pound of ointment would have been much more than was needed for a pair of feet, so perhaps Jesus was saying that the rest would be used for His burial.

However, the New Living Translation says, “She did this in preparation for my burial,” and a few others have similar wording. If this is correct, Mary got what so many others missed: that Jesus was going to die.

I tried to discover what significance might be attached to anointing feet in Bible times. Scripture speaks of washing feet. People wore sandals on dusty, unpaved roads. So a host would have a servant wash the feet of guests. Jesus does this, taking on the role of a servant, in the Upper Room at the last supper. One article suggested Mary’s anointing Jesus’ feet is a foreshadowing of what Jesus would do.

Jesus is the Christ or Messiah, both of which mean “anointed one.” One article indicated Mary’s anointing was in recognition of Jesus as the Christ, the promised Messiah.

Isaiah 52:7 proclaims, “How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news, who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness, who publishes salvation, who says to Zion, ‘Your God reigns.’” Perhaps Mary was so thankful for the feet of Him who brought the good news of salvation to her that she wanted to anoint them.

But Jesus references His upcoming burial in connection with Mary’s anointing.

Several things stand out to me about Mary.

Her humility. In each of these encounters, Mary is at Jesus’ feet. I had known about each of these incidents, but I just recently made the connection that they all involved Jesus’ feet. James tells us, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6)

Her devotion. She was caught up in listening to and worshiping Jesus, no matter what else was going on around her. She was willing to give sacrificially to show how much she valued Him.

Her lack of self-consciousness. Scripture doesn’t indicate any of her actions were done for self-glory or attention from others.

Her lack of defending herself. She let the Lord handle criticism of her. She knew He understood, even if others didn’t.

Her confidence. She knew Jesus well enough to trust Him with both her worship and her sorrow.

Her intent listening. She hung on His every word.

Her perception. By listening, truly listening to Jesus, she apparently understood what others did not about His coming death.

The only words of Mary that the Bible records are after Lazarus’ death. Obviously, those are the only words of hers that the Holy Spirit wanted to reveal in Scripture. But this and Martha’s outspokenness seem to indicate that Mary was the quiet one. Another Mary, Jesus’ mother, “treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart” (Luke 2:19). Mary of Bethany seems the same type of person. Jesus loved both sisters, and physical quietness is not necessarily more spiritual than outspokenness. But “a gentle and quiet spirit . . . in God’s sight is very precious” (1 Peter 3:4).

Mary could not have known that her humble and loving actions would become inspiration for Jesus followers for more than 2,000 years.

We can’t sit at Jesus’ feet physically, but we can join Mary there spiritually as we humbly and intently listening to His Word and lay our sorrow, confusion, questions, and loss before feet of the One who knows, loves, and cares for us best. We can worship with abandon, giving our all in His honor.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Is It Wrong to Read Romance Novels?

Posted on March 22, 2023 by Barbara Harper

Recently I visited an old Christian message board that I used to frequent to see if it was still active. I came across a conversation where someone asked if reading romance novels was wrong. The only respondents were men. One said he thought they weren’t wrong, but they were a silly waste of time. Another said he thought they could be wrong.

I didn’t want to take the time to find my log-in information and wasn’t inclined to get into the discussion anyway. But I thought about the question for a few days.

So, do I think it’s wrong to read a romance novel?

It depends.

“Romance” covers a wide territory. Many books outside of the romance genre will contain a love interest. But in a romance, the main point of the plot is two people coming to realize and declare their love for each other.

Is there anything wrong with that as a basic plot? No. The Bible contains romances (Song of Solomon, Ruth and Boaz, Jacob and Rachel). Ephesians 5 tells us marriage is a picture of Christ and the church.

When I’m getting to know a couple, one of the first things I want to know is how they met. That usually leads into a longer story of how they knew they were right for each other. It’s always neat to see the Lord’s hand in bringing them together.

But that’s real life. Isn’t a fictional romance a waste of time?

No, a story isn’t a waste just because it’s imaginary. Jesus used fictional stories to make a point. So did OT prophets.

Fiction fleshes out truth. When I’m listening to a sermon, I might get the pastor’s point but wonder what it looks like in real life. Then he shares a sermon illustration so I see the truth in action.

Randy Alcorn said, “Some Christians view fiction as the opposite of truth. But sometimes it opens eyes to the truth more effectively than nonfiction.”

We read fiction for a number of reasons: to see life through another’s eyes, to get to know how other people think, to develop empathy, to experience other cultures, to stimulate thinking, to learn discernment, gain information, to broaden our horizons.

Can we do all that with romances? Sure.

Some of the classics are romances: Romeo and Juliet, Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, all of Jane Austen’s novels.

But the best romances have something going on besides falling in love. One or both characters will need to grow or overcome something. In Pride and Prejudice, for example, the two main characters need to get past their titular characteristics before they can come together. In Sense and Sensibility, one sister needs to learn the value of restraint and appreciating more about a potential husband than good looks, charm, and excitement. All of Austen’s romances involve a whole lot more than just the love story. They are commentary on the times and culture in the setting as well.

The same things can happen in a modern romance.

So how can romances be wrong?

When they produce longings that can’t be fulfilled now. If you’re struggling with being single, a romance might encourage you that God could do the same for you. Or it might discourage you because He hasn’t done so yet. If you’re in a long engagement before you can be married, you’ll have discern whether reading romances makes waiting harder for you.

When they focus too much on the physical. I avoid most modern secular fiction, especially romances, for this reason. I only pick one up after carefully researching reviews or receiving a good report from a trusted friend. But even Christian romances can go too far here. And even if a romance avoids bedroom scenes, there can be an overemphasis on her seeing his bulging muscles under his shirt, wondering what it would be like to kiss him, feeling an electric jolt when they accidentally touch. Do such things happen when people are becoming attracted to each other? Sure. But in real life or fiction, the physical shouldn’t be the main thing.

When they make you discontent with everyday life. Lisa-Jo Baker shared in The Middle Matters that a teenager quoted in the Huffington Post felt her love life would never be adequate “until someone runs through an airport to stop me from getting on a flight.” The girl probably saw that in a movie somewhere. Her romantic life is going to be difficult if she sets up a test scenario in an airport every time she thinks she’s in love. Real love is usually shown in everyday ways more than the grand gesture.

When you long for a perfect “Mr Right.” There is no perfect Mr. or Mrs. Right. The best writers write flawed, realistic characters. But sometimes a character can seem so exquisitely attractive that no one in real life could measure up. If you find yourself looking down on your husband (or potential husband, if you’re not yet married) because he falls short of a fictional hero, it might be time to lay aside the book.

I sometimes see romance writers talking about writing swoon-worthy characters, especially male characters. A character having admirable qualities is one thing. But I don’t want to swoon for anyone other than my husband.

Personally, romances aren’t my favorite genre. I read some. But I don’t want the story to stop with a wedding and a promise of happily ever after. To me, the wedding is a beginning, not an ending. I prefer women’s fiction or historical fiction, where there is more going on than an initial romance, though there may be romance in the story.

But thankfully, there are romances that are good stories, where the characters grow and learn, where we learn about the culture or setting of the book, where we can connect with human growth and experience.

“It is only a novel… or, in short, only some work in which the greatest powers of the mind are displayed, in which the most thorough knowledge of human nature, the happiest delineation of its varieties, the liveliest effusions of wit and humour, are conveyed to the world in the best-chosen language” ― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

Grace When Others Fail Us

Posted on March 12, 2023 by Barbara Harper

As I puttered around the kitchen, the radio preacher shared a hypothetical story.

In the context of teaching women to love their husbands from Titus 2, the speaker told of a man whose main conversations with his wife at home centered on her telling him what needed to be done around the house. Then when the man went to his workplace, his pretty young secretary built up his ego by pointing out how well he did his job, how capable he was, etc. Since the husband felt starved for attention and affirmation, he was ripe for at least an emotional and perhaps even a physical affair with his secretary—and it was all his wife’s fault.

Now, a sermon illustration by its nature is sometimes oversimplified. But this one stirred a few thoughts.

First of all, should women be careful how they speak to their husbands? Of course. When Jesus said to love our neighbors as ourselves, our family members are our first neighbors. All the Bible says about speech being kind, gracious, and edifying needs to be applied at home before anywhere else. Sometimes we’re on our guard when we speak to others outside the home, but get careless within our own walls.

When the honeymoon is over and life gets busy, it’s easy to fall into utilitarian conversation and forget to talk just to enjoy each other. We need to remember to thank each other for the things that are done and not take each other for granted.

We need to treat our husbands respectfully (Ephesians 5:33). I cringe when I hear women talk to their husbands like children or give them a dressing down or ridicule or belittle them.

So yes, I agree, how we speak to our husbands is a big factor in how we show love to them. And building them up at home will help them be less susceptible to the flattery of others.

However . . .

A husband is not justified in seeking attention elsewhere if he feels he’s not getting enough at home.

When we stand before God some day to give an account of our lives, we’re not going to be able to point to anyone else and blame them for our sins.

God provides a way out of temptation. “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).

God’s grace is sufficient for whatever He requires of us. “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.” (2 Corinthians 9:8).

God has given us everything we need to live godly lives. “His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire” (2 Peter 1:3-4).

The Bible warns us about flattery, particularly the dangers to men of a flattering woman.

“Wisdom will save you also from the adulterous woman, from the wayward woman with her seductive words” (Proverbs 2:16, NIV. Other translations say “smooth” words or “flattering” words).

“With much seductive speech she persuades him; with her smooth talk she compels him. All at once he follows her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, or as a stag is caught fast till an arrow pierces its liver; as a bird rushes into a snare; he does not know that it will cost him his life.”

“And now, O sons, listen to me, and be attentive to the words of my mouth. Let not your heart turn aside to her ways; do not stray into her paths, for many a victim has she laid low, and all her slain are a mighty throng. Her house is the way to Sheol, going down to the chambers of death” (Proverbs 7:21-27).

“For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil,
but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword” (Proverbs 5:3-4).

If one of my kids or grandkids or any other young person under my influence came to me with the situation in the sermon illustration and asked what to do, I’d advise two things.

First, at a relaxed time, talk to your spouse. Don’t accuse or act defensive, but just honestly state you’re feeling more like a handyman than a husband (or, if the situation is reversed, feeling more like a maid than a wife). Perhaps say, “I don’t know if you realize it, but all of our conversation lately is about stuff that needs to be done. I’d like to talk about more.”

Second, take the initiative. Talk to her as you want her to talk to you. Ask how her day was. Ask what she thinks about something in the news. Find out her “love language” and express it to her. Let her know you care about her beyond what she does for the home and family. In fact, this could possibly be the first or only step.

All of these principles—the fact that we’re responsible for our own reactions and can’t blame anyone else for our sin, that God provides a way out of temptation, that He gives grace to do right, that we need to guard against being led astray by flattery, that we can look for ways to rectify the problem rather than responding negatively—are true for men and women in multitudes of situations.

If we’re feeling unappreciated or uncared for, the first thing to do is go to God and ask Him what to do and how to respond. Even our dearest earthly loves will fail us sometimes. But He never will.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

When You Have to Say No

Posted on September 11, 2022 by Barbara Harper

When my husband and I were first married, if someone in the church we attended asked me to participate in some ministry, I usually said no. I worked in the nursery and sang in the choir. But I felt intimidated and inadequate to do much of anything else.

The ladies’ group in this particular church was highly organized with officers over various areas of responsibility. One fall, the president explained nominees for the next year would be notified soon. She encouraged those nominees not to say an automatic no, but to pray about the opportunity.

I was a nominee for the first time that year. I had been on a committee that changed the main hall bulletin board once a month to focus on a couple of missionaries our church supported. Bulletin boards had been the bane of my college education major, and I wasn’t excited about overseeing the committee for them for a whole year. But I took to heart the admonition to pray about it. I didn’t feel I should say no.

I was elected. I did not have to participate in every bulletin board, but I assembled a committee of ladies to work on them, usually two a month. Another officer made up the list of which missionaries were featured each month. Sometimes I’d come up with the idea for the boards; sometimes the ladies would.

Even though I was a reluctant officer at first, I learned and grew through the year. I came to actually enjoy bulletin boards, and I learned principles that enabled me in other areas of responsibility.

But then I went to the other extreme of feeling like everything that anyone asked me to do in church was of the Lord. I was soon overrun and overburdened.

It doesn’t take long, in church or in life, to learn that you can’t say yes to everything. Yet it’s hard to say no. You don’t want to let people down or let a need go unmet.

But no one can do everything. Here are some truths I learned along the way when trying to decide what to take on or let go. Maybe they’ll be a help to you, too.

Pray for wisdom. Just as my former ladies’ group president advised me not to say no until I prayed over an opportunity, I also should not say yes until doing the same. I shouldn’t use “Let me pray about it first” as a cop-out or stall tactic. But, even if I feel pretty sure one way or the other, I need to take it to the Lord.

Evaluate your season of life. When I had young babies, I felt like I was barely keeping my head above water. The outside ministries I was involved in only added pressure, and I wish now I had stepped back from them. I finally learned to do so with my third child. Likewise when we cared for my mother-in-law in our home, my husband and I both had to lay other ministries aside. There just wasn’t time or energy or mental space for anything else.

Remember little things add up. In one church, I had one major responsibility plus a lesser one. Over time, I was asked to take on other small tasks. They didn’t involve a great amount of time, so I said yes. But the small things that weren’t too much on their own added more pressure all together. I had to hand off some of them to others.

Remember my no may be someone else’s yes. Once I felt particularly bad about saying no to an opportunity, even though I felt sure I should. The person who said yes was as reluctant as I was with my first office, but she did a wonderful job. I realized that if I had said yes, I would have been robbing her of that opportunity.

Don’t feel guilty. If this opportunity is of the Lord, He has someone in mind for it. If it’s not you, He’ll help bring the right person to it. Or it may be time to set certain ministries aside or reorganize them. This happened with a homeschool support group we were part of in GA. It had started out small: one mom got together with a few other moms, organized field trips and get-togethers, and began an informal newsletter. But the group grew exponentially. When the woman who started the group had her seventh baby, she had to drop everything involved with the group. For the next year, I think the only thing we did as a group was the monthly renting of the skating rink. But by the end of that year, different moms volunteered for different areas. The year off had shown us how much we wanted and needed the group plus helped us diversify responsibilities so everything wasn’t on one person. And that gave more people opportunity to learn and grow in their areas. In hindsight, it might have been better if the original mom had tried to transition things before having to drop it all. I don’t know if she just didn’t think of it or if she had planned to continue until she realized she couldn’t. She might not have had time to figure it all out. But it all worked out for the best.

And sometimes a lack of available personnel means it’s time for that particular ministry to come to an end. Greg McKeown suggests running a “reverse pilot” in his book, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. This isn’t a Christian book, but it has lots of good common-sense principles. A pilot program is used by companies to help discern whether a certain product or service would be beneficial. A reverse pilot tries to discern what the effect would be of removing a certain product or service. Greg told of a senior executive in a new position who kept up with his predecessor’s detailed visual report for the other executives. This report was time-consuming for both him and his team and didn’t seem to serve any useful purpose. So he just stopped doing it to see what happened. No one seemed to miss it. As organizations, churches, and even our individual lives change over the years, some practices will no longer be needed.

Don’t say yes for the wrong reasons. As much as we don’t want to disappoint people, we can’t always do everything everyone else wants. We also shouldn’t say yes for fear of missing out. We have to guard against pride: sometimes being part of a certain committee or ministry might bring a measure of prestige or feelings of importance.

Consider the trade-offs. What will be the impact of this new responsibility mean to my schedule, my energy, my family, and other ministries and activities I am involved in? Can I handle something new, or will I need to let something go if I take this on? Is it worth the trade?

If you have to say no, be gracious. I’ve asked someone to participate in a particular ministry only to be met with wide eyes and the equivalent of “Are you kidding?” This was someone who, as far as I could tell, seemed to have extra time. But then another lady volunteered who I would never have asked because of everything else I knew she had on her plate. Of course, we don’t really know what people have going on in their lives. And the issue isn’t always one of time. But when you find you do need to say no, don’t make the other person feel bad for asking. Ultimately you both want the right person for the job or ministry or opportunity. When you pray about and feel you’re not that person for this situation, you might also pray about the best way to say no so that the asker isn’t discouraged. Maybe something like, “I’m sorry, I have all I can handle right now. But I’ll be praying God will lead you to the right person.” You might also suggest someone else that you feel would be a good fit (and it’s probably best to ask them first if they’d mind your suggesting their name).

Remember even Jesus said no to some requests. Jesus did not give a sign when people asked for one, because they had plenty of evidence to believe who He was. Once, after a full day of preaching, he went out alone the next morning to pray (Mark 1:38). People found Him and “would have kept him from leaving them, but he said to them, ‘I must preach the good news of the kingdom of God to the other towns as well; for I was sent for this purpose’” (Luke 4:42-43). Healing was part of His ministry, but not the main purpose. Every person He healed would eventually die. Every person He raised from the dead would face death again. He came to provide hope for life after death and kept that the main focus.

Even aside from ministry opportunities, we have to tell ourselves no sometimes to activities that are harmless in themselves but aren’t our main purpose. We have more activities available than ever before and need God’s wisdom and guidance to know what’s best.

How about you? What helps you decide whether to say yes or no to new opportunities?

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Ministry in the Mundane

Posted on May 8, 2022 by Barbara Harper

“If only I didn’t have to [cook, do dishes, sweep, dust, do laundry, go to the grocery store, etc., etc. etc.], I could get something meaningful done.”

Have you ever thought something like that? Or said it out loud?

Life is full of necessary but mundane tasks.

And whatever we do today likely has to be done again in a few days, if not tomorrow.

I was struck recently by how often I have to refill things: the salt shaker, the tea pitcher, the napkin holder, the toothpick holder, the paper towel and toilet paper holders, the pantry, the refrigerator, the dishwasher, the clothes washer and dryer, the toiletry closet.

When we want to write or participate in some kind of ministry, it’s hard to make time without leaving something else undone.

Yet when I look at the “virtuous woman” of Proverbs 31, most of her day revolved around what would have been everyday tasks of her time: sewing for herself, her family, and her home (no department stores or online ordering in those days), cooking, seeking food “from afar,” buying a field, planting, working “willingly with her hands” late at night and early in the morning, making items to sell to supplement her family’s income. “She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.” She fears the Lord. “She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.” She does all of this with strength, kindness, faith, wisdom and dignity.

A couple of blog friends remind me of this lady. Sadly, they are no longer blogging. But they used to write about their everyday activities in their homes: house projects, gardening and canning, sewing, cooking, etc. They didn’t write devotionals or Bible lessons, but they shared observations in passing about God’s dealings with their lives. Their spirit shone through even in the “homey” activities. They brought a “sense of Him” in everything they did, not just the “spiritual” activities.

The one lady I count as my main mentor was the same way. We never studied through a book together. She never sat me across the table for a lesson. There is nothing wrong with those things. But she taught me plenty by how she managed her home (which she graciously invited me to) and conducted her life. She may have said a few things on purpose as a means of guidance or instruction, but if she did, they were so mild and gentle that I didn’t know I was being “taught.”

When my kids were younger, I regretted that I didn’t have more time for just playing with them. Oh, we played. We’d make Lego creations, read tons of books, go to the park, throw a blanket over the kitchen table and picnic underneath. But I felt guilty because it seemed like I never spent “enough” one-on-one time with them.

Then I thought about this Proverbs 31 lady, or Ma Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie. Laura Ingalls Wilder writes of times that her mother played with her children, and I am sure the Proverbs 31 lady played with hers as well. But they didn’t spend all day at it. They didn’t just play together: they worked together. And Mother passed on to children characteristics they would need not only by direct teaching, but by example.

1 Corinthians 10:31 says, “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do”—ordinary, everyday activities—“do it all to the glory of God.”

Of course, we have to be careful not to be like Martha, so busy that we neglect what Jesus called the one needful thing of spending time with Him.

And It’s fine to seek ways to do our work as efficiently as possible so we do have time for other activities. If God opens the door for writing, speaking, organizing gatherings, or whatever, great!

But we can glorify God and minister to others in those everyday activities as well.
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For those of you reading this on Mother’s Day, I hope you have a happy day honoring your Mom. If, like me, your mom is no longer living, I hope you have sweet memories.

For those who are moms, I hope your family gives you some relief from those everyday duties and pampers you today.

I realize that though this day is joyous for some, it’s painful for others—those who did not have a good relationship with their moms, who have lost children, who don’t have children but long to. My heart goes out to you, and I pray God will specially minister to your heart today.