A Mother’s Nightly Ritual

Posted on June 14, 2026 by Barbara Harper

Around this time of year, I see blog or Facebook posts from moms processing their children’s graduation from high school or college and the realization that they are about to leave the nest for good.

That time is such an emotional roller coaster–happy and excited for them, yet lamenting over the changes to come. Wondering what life is going to be like without the daily presence of one we nurtured and loved for 18+ years. Hoping we adequately taught them what they needed to know. Missing them before they even leave. Being concerned for the life changes and multiple decisions they’ll face as they step into adulthood. Praying, praying, praying.

When my children were little, I had a habit of going to their rooms and checking to see that they were breathing before I went to bed. That practice morphed a bit as they grew up. In their teen years, it looked like not being able to go to bed until I knew they were safely home.

I don’t delve into poetry often–I have trouble getting the meter just right. But several years ago, I wrote this poem based on that experience. I’ve shared it before, but it seemed timely to share it again. I hope it’s a blessing to you.

A Mother’s Nightly Ritual

Before a mother goes to bed
She checks each little downy head,
Places a hand on back or chest
Of each sleeping child at rest,
Making sure that all is well
Before succumbing to sleep’s spell.

As children grow and youth abounds,
Yet Mother still must make her rounds.
She can not rest at ease until
Her little ones are calm and still,
Safely tucked into their beds.
Then softly to her own she treads.

From childhood into youth they grow,
And she waits up until she knows
They’re settled safe and sound at home
Til the next day when they roam.
Though now they stay up long past her,
She can’t rest til they’re home, secure.

Her birds fly later from her sight.
Their beds are empty now at night.
She cannot check the rise and fall
Of sleeping breaths within her walls.
Yet she trusts they’re safely kept
By Him who never once has slept.

Though now they sleep beyond her care,
They never move beyond her prayer.
Her nightly vigil now is to
Trust them to the same One Who
Watched o’er Jacob while he roamed,
And kept him safe though far from home.

Barbara Harper
Copyright 2010

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

No Perfect Homes Here

Posted on June 7, 2026 by Barbara Harper

Some years ago while in the hospital, I took advantage of their cable system to watch HGTV. There were several popular makeover shows on HGTV at the time, but we didn’t get that station in our cable plan. This was before almost every network had a streaming service.

Unfortunately, the day that I watched, none of the popular shows were on. The station was showing a marathon of a series about people who had won the lottery and were looking to upgrade their housing.

As I watched these families tour several houses worth hundreds of thousands or even millions of dollars, one thing stood out to me. Even at that level, with amenities most of us could only dream about, none of the home buyers found a perfect house with everything they were looking for. Sometimes the couple had different opinions about what they wanted in a house. Other times, two different houses had some, but not all, of the features they wanted, and they had to decide which was closest to their ideal.

I think most of us who have ever bought, or even rented a house have found the same thing. No one house has all we want. One house might have a beautiful, roomy kitchen, but the roof is going to need replacing soon. Another might have a nice garage and workspace, but only one bathroom for a large family.

We’ve lived in five homes over our 46 years of marriage. We rented a small mobile home from a professor at our college when we first married and lived there six years. We had not thought we’d stay in that area after graduation, but it seemed the Lord was leading that way. So we bought our first home there, a fixer-upper that needed much more than we had to give.

We’ve lived in three more homes since, each necessitated by my husband’s workplace moving him to a new area. Each had plusses and minuses. But our previous home in SC was the one I had the most trouble with. We had looked at many houses that were much nicer and prettier. But this one had the room we needed at a price we could afford.

The family room had red and black checked carpeting–and our furniture was a pink and blue plaid. It was years before we could replace either the furniture or the carpet.

I had gotten used to a carport and not having to carry groceries through the rain. This house had no carport. Plus the previous house’s driveway was right next to the kitchen door. At our new house, we had to go through two rooms and up seven steps to get to the kitchen.

I don’t like peach at all, or orange except in fall decorations, but the kitchen had peach and blue flowered wallpaper. And pink and blue floral linoleum.

The living room had wallpaper on one wall that looked like a mural of a Mediterranean scene. My kids loved it, but I couldn’t stand it.

We just one and a half bathrooms here (and no master bathroom). We had to do showers and breakfast in shifts–whoever wasn’t in the shower was eating.

Our previous houses had wooded areas behind them. This one had the back yard of another house right behind us. When the trees were bare, I could see the recliner and its occupant in their family room from my kitchen window.

Our previous house had a fence, and we got our first and only puppy while there. It was nice to not worry about the kids wandering off. Our new house didn’t have a fence.

The kitchen area was cramped. There was so little storage in it, my husband put shelves in the coat closet in the living room for the bigger kitchen items. Our dining room table, which seated six, barely fit in the space for it.

Over time, one project at a time, we replaced wallpaper, painted, replaced carpet, and eventually replaced family room furniture. We never could figure out what to do about the kitchen. We talked about removing a wall or adding on to the outside. But our finances, time, and energy levels were never up for that big of a project.

I had to continually battle discontentment with that house. But, after we moved, it occurred to me that most of our sons’ growing-up years took place there. Most of their family memories were developed there. I imagine they’ll remember having friends over for pizza and video games, crowding around the table for meals or birthdays, riding some mattresses we were getting rid of down the stairs, playing in the nearby “bamboo forest,” jumping on the trampoline, helping with house projects, the bulk of their school years, the first serious girlfriend and wedding of one of them.

They’ll remember the home more than the house.

I don’t think it’s wrong to want to make our homes comfortable, pleasing, and attractive. I’ve appreciated Edith Schaeffer’s emphasis in her book, The Hidden Art of Homemaking, that God didn’t make the world just functional: He made it beautiful as well. She says, “If you have been afraid that your love of beautiful flowers and the flickering flame of the candle is somehow less spiritual than living in starkness and ugliness, remember that He who created you to be creative gave you the things with which to make beauty and the sensitivity to appreciate and respond to His creation” (p. 109).

We have to balance those desires for creativity, beauty, and functionality with the time, finances, and energy we have. And we need to remember that even some of the humblest homes here will look luxurious to others.

But we usually have to be content with a less than perfect house to some degree. Probably no house will ever have every little feature we might like. One reason for that might be that if we had a perfect house, we’d be too tempted to nestle down into it, too content in this world and not looking forward to the next.

C. S. Lewis has written, “Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home.”

The Bible reminds us, as the old hymn says, that this world is not our final home.

“We do not have an enduring city here; instead, we seek the one to come” (Hebrews 13:14).
“But our citizenship is in heaven, and we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ” (Philippians 3:20).
“In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you?” (John 14:2).
“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:19-21).

Like all of God’s tangible gifts in this world, we appreciate them, but we hold them loosely. It’s not wrong to ask for a better or bigger house, but if God says no, we seek His grace to be content where He has us. We can effectively serve Him and minister to others in whatever kind of home He allows us to have. And we can let that longing for a perfect home remind us we’ll never find it here and fuel our desire for the heavenly one to come.

Prayer for the Home

Peace, unto this house, I pray,
Keep terror and despair away;
Shield it from evil and let sin
Never find lodging room within.
May never in these walls be heard
The hateful or accusing word.

Grant that its warm and mellow light
May be to all a beacon bright,
A flaming symbol that shall stir
The beating pulse of him or her
Who finds this door and seems to say,
“Here end the trials of the day.”

Hold us together, gentle Lord,
Who sit about this humble board;
May we be spared the cruel fate
Of those whom hatreds separate;
Here let love bind us fast, that we
May know the joys of unity.

Lord, this humble house we’d keep
Sweet with play and calm with sleep.
Help us so that we may give
Beauty to the lives we live.
Let Thy love and let Thy grace
Shine upon our dwelling place.

Edgar Guest

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Sharing From Our Experiences with the Lord

Posted on May 24, 2026 by Barbara Harper

When I was in college, the dorm rooms were formed into smaller prayer groups, usually three dorm rooms to a group, that met almost every night for devotions. The people in the rooms took turns sharing a devotional each night, then we spent a few minutes in prayer before getting ready for bed.

One of my roommates got extremely nervous when her time to share was coming up. She stressed over not knowing what to say. “How am I supposed to know what other people need to hear?’

We tried to encourage her to just share something God had been teaching her. It didn’t have to be a sermon. It didn’t have to be the last word on a given subject. If God wanted her to share something for Him, He’d give her what He wanted her to say.

When our ladies’ Bible study group was going through True Woman 201: Interior Design–Ten Elements of Biblical Womanhood, one section stood out to me. The authors emphasized that mentoring “simply means drawing on your life experience, in the context of everyday life, to provide encouragement and exhortation to those who are younger” (p. 219).

Of course, the whole book talks about being a godly woman by spending time with Him, in His Word, and reflecting Him. So we’re not just drawing on our personal life experience, but our experience within the bigger picture of our walk with God–what we’ve learned along the way.

It’s the same with any kind of ministry to each other. We draw out of our own experiences with God. We can’t teach or model or share what we don’t know. That is another reason for growing in grace and knowledge of Him–not just for our own benefit, but to have to minister to others.

This doesn’t mean that only women who have miscarried a child can minister to a woman in that situation, or only a single woman in the business world can mentor a younger single businesswoman. There are some truths of faith and practice that can be applied across the board.

Sharing with others from our lives also doesn’t mean that we have to have everything together and know all the answers. That would eliminate everyone. Sometimes sharing from our failures encourages others that there is hope and forgiveness and grace

Ministering to others also isn’t restricted to official, formal, or even church-related venues. It’s amazing how often in my life, a seemingly chance, off-the-cuff statement from someone else was just what I needed to hear that day.

I’ve often been encouraged by this excerpt from a hymn by Fanny Crosby:

Now just a word for Jesus:
Your dearest Friend so true,
Come cheer our hearts and tell us
What He has done for you.

Now just a word for Jesus-
‘Twill help us on our way;
One little word for Jesus,
O speak or sing or pray.

—Fanny Crosby

God can use each of us as we interact with each other in everyday life to encourage and uplift. As we ask Him to fill us with His Holy Spirit, seek His guidance, and pay attention to the needs of others, He can work through us to point them to Him.

(Updated to add: The day after posting this, it occurred to me that it could be taken in a wrong way. I’m not exalting experience above the Word of God. I’m talking about sharing from our own walk with God and our time in His Word–how we’ve found Him faithful, how He helped us through various trials, how He kept His promises to us.)

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Brave Mothers of the Bible

Posted on May 10, 2026 by Barbara Harper

It’s daunting to try to raise little humans. There’s no instruction manual. What works for one doesn’t always work for another.

We worry about their health, the possibility of getting hurt physically or mentally, whether they’ll make friends, the influence of bad friends, their character formation, their spiritual formation, their future spouses, their future work, our failures, and so much more.

We can draw inspiration from a few mothers in the Bible.

Eve is the mother of all living (Genesis 3:20). We’re not told much about her everyday family life. How dismaying it must have been to navigate a world affected by sin, so different from the garden where she first came to life. How confusing to raise children with no other examples before her. How crushing when one son murdered the other.

When Eve’s first son was born, she said, “I have gotten a man with the help of the Lord.” Then after Cain murdered Abel, and Seth was born, she said, “God has appointed for me another offspring instead of Abel, for Cain killed him” (Genesis 4:2, 25).

These two statements show me that she trusted God, depended on His help, and saw her children as gifts from Him. Eve knew God’s grace in forgiving her after she had miserably failed.

Some think that she might be referring to God’s promise of a coming redeemer at the birth of her first son. If so, she demonstrated faith that God would fulfill His word, even though the timing would be far different than what she thought.

Jochebed lived when the children of Israel were enslaved by Egypt. The Israelites had become so numerous that Pharaoh decreed all male babies should be thrown into the Nile River. Can you imagine being in that situation?

Somehow Jochebed managed to hide her pregnancy and newborn until he was three months old. The Bible says she saw he was a “fine child”–some translations say “beautiful” or “goodly.” The NLT says “a special baby.” Some commentators believe this means she saw something unique about Moses. Others think she was just a normal mother who was enamored by her beautiful new baby boy.

When Jochebed could hide her baby no longer, she technically obeyed Pharaoh: she put the baby in the Nile. But first she made a basket and waterproofed it before putting the baby in.

I’d always thought she did this at random, and Pharaoh’s daughter “just happened”–by the providence of God–to come along at the right time and take the baby home for her own. But one source I read said that Egyptian royalty would have had indoor bathing facilities. So Pharaoh’s daughter being in the Nile might not have been for the sake of hygiene, but rather a ritual bath. And Jochebed may have known she would be there.

Whichever way it happened, it took faith for Moses’ mother to send her baby off in a basket in the Nile River. What if it overturned? What if a crocodile found it first? What if the waterproofing didn’t hold?

God answered beyond Jochebed’s dreams. Not only was Moses safe, but the daughter of Pharaoh herself rescued him. And Jochebed herself got to nurse Moses, which meant in those days that she would have had him for another two to three years, at least. Little did she know how God would use her son in the future.

When people ask, “How can we raise children in such a world as we have today,” I think of Moses. God can keep our children safe in any kind of world. And He just might use them to help turn it around.

Hannah was infertile, which is a cause for grief to anyone desperately wanting a child. But in the culture of this time, having children was thought to be a sign of God’s favor. So not having children, and experiencing torment from her husband’s other wife, grieved Hannah.

Hannah’s husband didn’t seem to understand. “Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?” (1 Samuel 1:8).

So Hannah went to the temple and poured her heart out to the Lord. She prayed so fervently, Eli, the priest, thought she was drunk and rebuked her.

Hannah promised God that if He gave her a son, she would give him back to God. And when God gave her Samuel, she kept her vow and gave him to the Lord.

Sometimes those closest to us, and those who are supposed to help us, only cause more pain. But, like Hannah, we can pour our hearts out to the God who sees and understands.

Hannah also teaches us that our children are gifts of God and belong to Him.

Mary‘s motherhood was unique in many ways. An angel announced that she would conceive and bear the Son of God, the long-promised Messiah, while she was a virgin. She knew who He was, but she didn’t know how everything would work. She might not have understood that the cross was coming, though Simeon forewarned her that “a sword will pierce through your own soul also” (Luke 2:22-35).

But she had to learn early on that Jesus must be “about His father’s business.” She must have delighted in His miracles, teaching, and followers. But she was likely confused when the religious crowd turned against Him.

God sometimes calls our children to hard things, for His glory and the good of others. We may not understand His leading, but we can trust Him.

An unnamed Syrophoenician woman asked Jesus to cast a demon out of her daughter (Matthew 15:21-28; Mark 7:24-30). Jesus’ initial negative answer to her is puzzling. Mark’s account says Jesus was in Gentile territory and didn’t want anyone to know, and one source says that’s why He seemed to put her off. Another source said the gospel was first shared with the Jews, and later came to the Gentiles. Though that’s true, Jesus healed other Gentiles. Many sources say He was testing her faith. But one said He was showcasing her faith. I think that might be the most accurate. Matthew’s account says the disciples wanted Jesus to send her away because she was crying after them. Maybe He wanted to show them that this woman they didn’t have time for, this woman they wanted to get rid of, had great faith despite many obstacles.

Though this woman was a Gentile, she addressed Jesus as the Son of David. The ESV Study Bible notes on Matthew’s account say that she evidently knew that through Abraham, “all the families of the earth shall be blessed” (Genesis 12:3). She was humble before Jesus, yet persistent.

What can we learn from these mothers?

Jesus provides grace for past sin and failures when we repent of them and believe in Him.
He is more than able to take care of our children.
We can pour out our hearts to Him.
He understands our deepest needs when no one else does.
He may call our children to difficult things, but His grace will be sufficient for them and for us.
Our circumstances may not always make sense. But we can cling to His Word in faith and hope.

Are you inspired by these or other Biblical mothers? Please feel free to share in the comments.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Rely on God and Make Every Effort

Posted on February 17, 2026 by Barbara Harper

We all have trouble with self-control in some areas: eating habits, overspending, wasting time, cutting remarks, flares of temper, etc. We’ve had enough experience trying to correct those issues that we know willpower alone doesn’t conquer them.

As Christians, we know self-control is one part of the fruit of the Holy Spirit mentioned in Galatians 5:22-23. So if we’re struggling with anger, we pray for the Spirit’s help and control. Then five minutes later, we find ourselves ranting at the driver who cut us off in traffic or the computer that mysteriously isn’t working right.

So what happened?

Peter tells us, “His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence” (2 Peter 1:3). He has already given us “all things that pertain to life and godliness.” How? “By which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire” (verse 4). Then, “For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith . . . with self-control” (among other things, verses 5-6).

“Make every effort” doesn’t mean we try to drum up our own righteousness. That’s impossible. That’s why Jesus died for us, so that He could take on our unrighteousness and grant us His righteousness when we repent of our sin and trust in Him for salvation. But it’s because He did this that we have “all things that pertain to life and godliness.”

I tend to want to figure out where the lines are, what’s God’s part and what’s my part, what’s the formula? But God doesn’t usually work by way of formulas. Somehow He works in us “to will and to do of His good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13). But He doesn’t expect us to be passive. He uses means to accomplish His will in us.

We need to recognize and correct the lies we tell ourselves and take responsibility for our actions and reactions. Often we blame other people (“If he hadn’t said this, I would not have been tempted to say that”). Or we blame circumstances (“I was busy and missed lunch, so those doughnuts were irresistible”).

We need to change our thinking so it lines up with His. Romans 12:2 tells us, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.”

We might feel like we just can’t help ourselves. But God says, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it” (1 Corinthians 10:13). We need to pray that God will help us look for the way of escape rather than an excuse to indulge.

We need to yield to God instead of insisting on our right to our own way: “Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God” (Romans 6:13, KJV).

We need to abide in Him, because without Him we can do nothing. (John 15:1-5).

We spend much time in Scripture, which “is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work” (2 Timothy 3:16-17).

We behold Him in His Word. 2 Corinthians 3:18 says: “But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.”

When self is screaming for its own way, we need to remember Jesus said, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23).

We may need to make some determinations, like David did in Psalm 101:2-3: “I will walk with integrity of heart within my house; I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless.” I used to be against making resolutions, because they seemed like setting ourselves up for failure, as well as focusing on our own effort. And then I came across 2 Thessalonians 1:11: “To this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by his power.” Every resolve for good. But relying on God’s power, not my own.

I think of God’s part and my part something like what the children of Israel did in the Old Testament. Sometimes God supernaturally defeated their enemies. But usually, they had to pick up their swords and fight. They learned from sad experience that they only won when God was with them and they were relying on Him.

I think it is similar for us. Sometimes God will seemingly instantly deliver us from a wrong desire or habit. But often it takes prayer and relying on God’s Word and help to make any headway. And since self-control is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, and fruit takes time to grow, it may take time for us to gain victory in a given area.

Another way I think of these things is what happened when Jesus told the lame man to walk or the man with a withered hand to stretch it out. Both of them could have said, “That’s the very thing I cannot do.” But they obeyed–and in the process, God gave the strength to do His will. I usually want to “feel” strengthened before I obey–but often He gives strength as we obey.

May God give us wisdom, grace, and strength as we rely on His work in us and cooperate with His working outward through us.

__________
This post was inspired by an excellent chapter on discipline and self-control in True Woman 201: Interior Design: Ten Elements of Biblical Womanhood by Mary Kassian and Nancy Leigh DeMoss (now Wolgemuth). Our ladies Bible study at church is going through this book, which is based on Titus 2:1-5.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

A Plea to Older Women

Posted on December 7, 2025 by Barbara Harper

The Bible tells us older folks to mentor, teach, and be an example to younger people.Though I’ve never had a formal mentoring relationship with an older woman, I have been blessed by the testimony, example, and encouragement from women just ahead of my own life situation. Sometimes a passing remark from one of them has stayed with me for days, even years.

Now being in the “older” category myself, I understand concerns about trends in our world today.

It’s good for older people to share from their experience or express their opinions. But how we share our concerns is as important as what we share.

I’ve winced at memes on social media from older people extolling the ways life was superior “back in our day.” But I wonder if we realize how that sentiment comes across. Some might be meant as a joke, but many have a bite to them.

I think those kinds of posts either make people roll their eyes or get defensive. These memes can come across as condescending or finger-wagging, causing unnecessary offense.

Before we post such memes, here are some things that might be good to consider:

We did many things differently from our parents’ generation, didn’t we? So why would we be surprised when the next generation does as well?

Our view of “our day” may not even be correct. We tend to wax nostalgic, reframing the good and forgetting the bad.

We need to remember the struggles we had as younger women–the feeling that we’re failing at motherhood, at life in general, that we’ll never catch up or measure up.

Sometimes the issues some like to gripe about reflect cultural changes that aren’t good or bad in themselves.

For one example, a particular meme said something catchy (though I have forgotten how it was worded) about how we survived without taking water bottles or to-go coffee cups with us everywhere.

My first thought was, “So . . . what’s so bad about that?” So people like to bring their drink of choice with them. Is that a character flaw?

Another meme (or maybe the same one) went on to decry the bringing of our beverages into church. However, some people may think it makes for a more hospitable atmosphere to bring beverages. Many churches have coffee brewing and offer to-go cups from before Sunday school until after the morning service. Some of us who have physical problems like postnasal drip, with its frequent throat-clearing, or dry mouth, call less attention to ourselves and distraction for others by being able to take a sip rather than having to go out to the water fountain during a service.

I’ve known people adamantly opposed to bringing food or beverages into the sanctuary. But this is a cultural rather than a biblical issue. Churches didn’t have sanctuaries in Bible times. They met in homes, where there well might have been something to drink. There’s nothing sinful about carrying beverages with us, even bringing them into church.

It’s true we might not understand some of the practices of younger folks. And our practices might even actually be better. I’ve seen memes about phone usage and discipline that I actually agreed with. But the sarcastic tone didn’t invite dialogue or conversation.

Instead of ridiculing or talking down to younger women, let’s edify them. Instead of sharing what we think of as our better ways, let’s share from our own failures and faults how the Lord gave us grace and helped us overcome. Let’s encourage them that God loves them and wants them to draw close to Him and seek His help. His grace is always available in times of need. Let’s look for the positive and the well-meaning intentions to praise. Let’s tell them they are doing a good job when they are and pray for them when they need help. Let’s make our speech healthful rather than stabbing.

Isaiah foretold of the Servant of the Lord, Jesus, “The Lord GOD has given me the tongue of those who are taught, that I may know how to sustain with a word him who is weary. Morning by morning he awakens; he awakens my ear to hear as those who are taught” (Isaiah 50:4). May we meet each day with Him, learn of His truth and character, and share with others in humility and love. May our words–and memes–be full of grace.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

How Can a Wife Help Her Husband?

Posted on October 19, 2025 by Barbara Harper

We depend on our husbands for a lot of things: his work to provide for the family, his leadership, his companionship. He listens, encourages, supports. In many households, the husband takes care of car and home repairs. In some, he does the landscaping and lawn-mowing. And sometimes he helps with groceries, errand-running, laundry, housework, and even our projects.

It’s easy to depend on a husband’s help in myriad ways. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Ephesians 5:25 instructs husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church, and Jesus certainly helps us.

But sometimes I’m reminded of Genesis 2:18, where God said He made woman a helper fit for or suitable for the man. And I wonder, am I being a help to my husband? And how do I do that?

I’m not much help with working on car or house repairs, except maybe for holding a flashlight or handing a tool. We prioritized my being home, first with the children, then to care for his mother, for most of our marriage, so my financial contribution was more on managing what we had well. Plus, I didn’t have the skill set to provide for us as he did.

I think a wife’s help to her husband will vary from marriage to marriage. 1 Peter 3:7 says husbands are to dwell with their wives “according to knowledge” or “in an understanding way,” depending on the translation. That’s also true of wives in regard to their husbands. We need to understand our own husbands and what he would consider helpful. I knew one woman who had been told that a good wife keeps a spotless home. But then she learned that her husband didn’t really care if the home was super-clean. He’d rather she spent more time with him than cleaning.

However, there are some ways we can each be a suitable helper.

Love him. Once a Sunday School teacher of a women’s class I was in came to Titus 2:3-4, which tells older women to teach the younger a number of things, including loving their husbands. The teacher said, “I think that just comes naturally, don’t you?” Then she went on to the next verse. If it came naturally, I don’t think we’d need to be taught it. The love that starts marriage is usually not the kind of love that sustains it. One of my teachers defined biblical love as the “self-sacrificial desire to meet the needs of the cherished person.” Our innate selfishness is going to come out, as is his, and we have to work at putting each other first.

Love God. Though we depend on our husband to provide for us, protect us, keep us from loneliness, and so many other things, we come to the place where we realize he can’t be everything to us. God works through our husbands to do those things, yet our ultimate dependence needs to be on God, not our husbands. And we need to lean on the Lord for strength and grace and wisdom to do our part.

Pray for him. Beyond asking God to bless his day, we can pray for wisdom for him at work and home, for God to help him grow and mature in Him. I often like to pray Colossians 1:9-12, as well as other Scriptures, for my loved ones.

Fellowship. The verse about woman being made a helper is in the context of creation. God had made the animals, then man. Adam named all the animals, but found no one like himself. God said it wasn’t good for man to be alone. He made woman as a helper. So it seems one of the first and best ways to help our husbands is to be with them, to listen to them. It’s easy, with so much to do in life, to just pass each other on the way to other tasks and appointments. We need to prioritize time together.

Providing a safe place. We should be the main ones our husbands can share with or vent to without worrying about being put down or having what he told us in confidence shared with others.

Respect. Yes, respect goes both ways. But Ephesians 5:33 tells wives specifically to respect their husbands.

In one book I read some years ago, a poll among Christian men showed that the majority of them valued respect even more than love (1). We should never ridicule, demean, put down, or scold our husbands. If there’s something we’d like him to do differently, we need to express that in a tone like we’d use with a friend or boss or anyone else we respected.

But what if he’s not acting in a way we can respect? It helps me to turn this question around. The same verse that talks about wives respecting husbands says a husband should love his wife as himself. Do we want our husbands to love us only when we deserve it, when we act lovable? No! We want him to show love even when–maybe especially when–we’re not acting so lovable. He loves us not because of how we act, but out of obedience to God. So we should respect him out of obedience to God. Even if we can’t respect everything he does, we can show respect to him as a person and in his position as our husband.

Manage expectations. Our husbands are not going to be perfect. They’re not always going to be spiritual giants. Elisabeth Elliot wrote that we marry a sinner, because there is no one else to marry. She also said that, instead of harping on the 20% or so that we might disagree with, we need to appreciate the 80% we like.

Colossians 3:12-13 was written to the church to practice in everyday life, which surely includes the home: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

In addition, we need to be realistic about what he does do. Often I hear wives wish their husbands would do more. In our home, my husband worked 40+ hours a week, did the yard work and taxes, paid the bills, took care of home repairs, and did everything involving the vehicles. Should I then expect him to help me with everything I do as well? He was always willing, if he was able, and I did call on him a lot. But I tried to be conscience of what he was already doing and not overload him.

Submit to him. Yes, Ephesians 5:21 says we’re to submit to one another. But verse 22, as well as Colossians 3:18, 1 Peter 3:1, Titus 2:4-5, tells wives to submit to their husbands. This doesn’t mean he lords it over her or that she’s a doormat with no opinions of her own. But if we’re constantly pulling against him or his leadership, we’re hurting more than helping.

Be content. It’s not wrong to want to make improvements or to dream of a bigger home or new furniture or nicer clothes. But those things usually have to be managed over time. We need to wait patiently and not constantly complain.

Respect his work. Hollywood has made several movies about workaholic dads who need to learn that their families are more important than the corporate world. But often those stories are unrealistic. I wonder if men who work at home feel even more pressure to put away work to help at home or go to family activities. Providing for his family is the responsibility of a husband and father (that’s not to say wives can’t work, but usually the bulk falls on the husband).

I had to learn this the hard way when my husband’s job started requiring him to travel. I often wailed to the Lord that this wasn’t what I signed up for. But then it seemed my husband had even more road trips. Even when he wasn’t traveling, he usually worked way over forty hours a week. He wasn’t a workaholic, but he had a strong work ethic and felt the responsibility of making sure the job was done rather than clocking out just because it was 5 p.m.

Inspiration came for me in the form of a novel, A Quiet Strength by Janette Oke, about a young woman’s struggles during the first few years of marriage .Though I had been married for years and the main character was a newlywed, her struggles with being left alone so much while her husband worked on the farm and built their home resonated with me. He saw what he was doing as an expression of love and care for her. But all she could see was her loneliness. In novel style, they had a big blowup, then talked things out, then found small ways to connect to offset the time apart. My husband and I didn’t have a blowup, but I needed to seek contentment, maturity, and God’s strength. This all led to a post titled Coping When Your Husband Is Away, which turned out to be one of my most viewed posts. I had no idea so many women had the same struggle.

Encourage his friendships with other men. Though we’re probably our husbands’ main social outlet, we can’t be the only one. The Bible has much to say about our fellowship with other believers. My husband has always encouraged my friendship with other women, but he has sometimes been reluctant to get together with other men outside of work and church since his job took him away from home so much. But he did enjoy work days and men’s prayer breakfasts. Now that he’s retired, he sometimes gets together for coffee or lunch with other men.

Give him some time to himself. It’s not usually wise to hit him at the door with bad news (unless it’s an emergency) or a litany of all the problems that came up that day. Give him some time to decompress or work on his hobbies. This varies from person to person, but an introvert will be much better with others when he has some time alone.

Be trustworthy. Proverbs 31:1-12 says of the excellent wife, “The heart of her husband trusts in her. . . She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Of course we shouldn’t lie or hide things from our husbands. But sometimes we’re tempted to shade the truth if we feel he’s going to disapprove or be disappointed in something we did. It’s better to be open and honest, even if we need to confess something or apologize.

Ask for what you need, don’t nag. When we need some of the help mentioned in the first paragraph or some time alone, we can ask for it in a kind, cooperative, and patient way. We don’t need to demand or needle or fuss. If there’s a conflict, we can graciously seek to work it out.

Ask him. Books and articles about marriage can be helpful, but no two are alike. We each bring different personalities, gifts, and traditions to the relationship. We each adapt to our own spouse. There may be ways we think we’re helping that aren’t so helpful. Or there may be a way to help that we haven’t thought of.

Does this sound exhausting? God will give strength in our weakness and grace to help in time of need.

_____
(1) For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn. I read this years ago and don’t remember if I agreed with everything in it. But this point stood out to me.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Sharing Our Struggles, not Our Perfection

Posted on July 6, 2025 by Barbara Harper

Several years ago, our ladies’ group asked some older married women in the church to be on a panel for discussion about marriage at a ladies’ meeting. We didn’t want to put them on the spot: we just figured they had more experience, and we wanted to glean their wisdom.

However, we had the hardest time getting anyone to agree to be on the panel. Some ladies didn’t want to participate because they thought their own marriages were far from perfect. Some felt that they were still learning: rather than answering other women’s questions, they still had plenty of their own.

In hindsight, it probably would have been better not to have particular women on a panel in front of everyone. One advantage to a panel is having known and trusted people there, whereas opening questions to the crowd in general might lead to some questionable answers. But perhaps the disadvantages outweighed the advantages.

Still, the evening ended up going very well (details are here). One even said we needed a session like that once a year.

Many of us would shy away from portrayal as an expert in most areas, especially areas of Christian life. We know we fall short. We don’t want anyone looking to us for answers, because we still struggle ourselves.

But an experienced Christian is not the same as an expert Christian.

When we’re struggling in a given area–marriage, devotions, hospitality, motherhood, work environments, or life in general–we’re not drawn to those who have their act together, whose lives are perfect, who never seem to struggle.

We want to hear from people who have been in the trenches, who know how we feel, who won’t give us pat answers, who have experienced the things we have and overcome them.

Andrew Peterson writes in Adorning the Dark: Thoughts on Community, Calling, and the Mystery of Making:

“O God,” you pray, “I’m so small and the universe is so big. What can I possibly say? What can I add to this explosion of glory? My mind is slow and unsteady, my heart is twisted and tired, my hands are smudged with sin. I have nothing—nothing—to offer.

Write about that.

“What do you mean?”

Write about your smallness. Write about your sin, your heart, your inability to say anything worth saying. Watch what happens (p. 11, Kindle version).

Though Peterson was praying about song-writing here, the principle is true in any area of life.

We can’t bless others with packaged advice from a position of perfection. Even if we could, our ministrations would probably be rejected as cold and unfeeling.

But God says His power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

One day on a hillside, over 5,000 people came to hear Jesus teach. Jesus had compassion on their physical needs as well as their spiritual needs. He told the disciples, “You give them something to eat.”

Of course, the disciples didn’t have the means to feed so many people. Philip indicated they didn’t have enough money to buy even a little food for everyone. Andrew found a boy with five barley loaves and two fish, but then asked, “what are they for so many?”

Jesus already knew what He was going to do to provide for the people. But He wanted the disciples to realize that they could not meet the need on their own.

Jesus had the people sit down, gave thanks, and then distributed the food to the disciples, who gave it to the people. Not only did they have “as much as they wanted,” but they gathered twelve baskets of leftovers.

We don’t have the wherewithal to feed people spiritually. But when we give ourselves to Him, He can work through us to help others. He will take our not-enoughness and work through us to display His more-than-enoughness.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Joys and Sorrows of Mother’s Day

Posted on May 11, 2025 by Barbara Harper

Mother’s Day is fraught with mixed emotions.

It’s good to honor mothers. The Bible does. One of the ten commandments tells us to honor our parents. Motherhood has taken a beating by society over the last several years. Moms carry a heavy load, often unseen and unappreciated. They need all the encouragement and support they can get.

But Mother’s Day is profoundly sad for others.

Some grieve the death of their children, or their estranged children or wayward children.

Some have mothers who are still here physically but far away mentally or emotionally, mothers who rarely, if ever, showed love, mothers who abandoned them, mothers who have died. For those who feel abandoned or unloved by parents, may you truly know “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up” (Psalm 27:10).

Some would love to be mothers, yet God has not granted that request. Mother’s Day only adds to their pain. I appreciate Wendy Alsup’s thought that “God uses both the presence and the absence of children in the lives of His daughters as a primary tool of conforming us to Christ.”

Some moms grieve that their families don’t acknowledge this day at all, and they feel more taken for granted than ever. Erin has some good advice for managing expectations.

Some downplay the day. They would rather have their family appreciate them year-round, not just on a certain designated day. And, true, it doesn’t make sense to disrespect someone every other day and then buy them flowers and a card on Mother’s Day. But I always look at special days in the same vein as Thanksgiving. Yes, we’re supposed to be thankful every day, but Thanksgiving reminds us of all we have to be thankful for. Jesus’ resurrection impacts our lives every day, but it receives special focus at Easter. So Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, or someone’s birthday are just opportunities to tell someone you love that you appreciate them.

For many, all the talk of ideal mothers on Mother’s Day makes them feel their failures all the more. They feel like “perfect mother,” or even “good mother,” are titles they can never aspire to. God took our faults and foibles into account when He made us mothers. He knows we’re made of dust. We confess our sins to Him and lean on Him moment by moment for grace and help and strength to mother as He wants us to. “Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).

My mother and all of my older mother figures are gone now. I try to honor their memories. I am thankful for so many women who were examples to me and made me a better woman, wife, and mother. I hope I can encourage others as these ladies did me.

For those whose families show their love this day, and for those who have a mother to celebrate today, I wish you joy.

For those who sorrow, I pray for the peace that passes understanding. May His merciful kindness be for your comfort, according to His word unto you (Psalm 119:76).

(Revised from the archives.)

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Redeemed Regrets

Posted on April 6, 2025 by Barbara Harper

One of my biggest regrets is that I often did not have a good attitude when caregiving for my mother-in-law. I wanted her to be well taken care of. But I did not have a natural caregiver’s heart. I often felt the weight of caregiving. I resented the intrusion on my time and plans for that stage of my life. When she was under hospice care for three years, we had bath aides, social workers, a chaplain, and a doctor coming in and out (often without calling first). Even though I liked most of the people, I often felt the introvert sanctuary of my home had been invaded.

I tried to fight these feelings by reminding myself of God’s truth: it was good and right and biblical to care for my mother-in-law. She had lovingly cared for my husband, and then our family after we married; she deserved our care in return. This was my ministry for that time in my life, and it was every bit as important as writing a book or teaching a class. God would give grace for each day, each moment, as needed.

Yet I still felt guilty about having these negative feelings in the first place.

Paul talks about the difference between regret and repentance, or worldly versus godly grief in 2 Corinthians 7:10-11. It’s important that we don’t stop at regret. It’s possible to feel bad about doing wrong without really repenting of it. Repentance will involve realization that we sinned against God, confession to Him that what we did was wrong, with no excuses or self-justification, and asking for His grace and help to change.

But even after repentance, we sometimes still regret what we did.

After my mother-in-law passed away, my guilt multiplied rather than ebbed. I confessed these things to the Lord. I knew He forgave me. But I still regretted my wrong attitudes and wished I had served her better.

I think this might be what people experience when they say they can’t forgive themselves. If God forgives us, who are we to withhold forgiveness? We have to accept that we are fallen creatures with a bent towards selfishness.

But even with forgiveness, we still regret our past actions. We wonder how we could have been so thoughtless or selfish.

When the person we’ve wronged has passed on, or we’ve lost touch, our regret festers. There’s no way to make it right, to apologize to that person.

Something happened recently to help me realize regrets can be redeemed.

I walked into the church restroom to find two ladies talking who were both currently taking care of their mothers. One knew I had taken care of my mother-in-law and pulled me into the conversation.

One of the things that had helped me most during my mother-in-law’s care was talking to other people who were currently or formerly caring for a parent. I could be a little freer to share with them and know I’d be understood. So now, I was able to help others in that way: mainly by listening, but sometimes by sharing something that helped me.

God has redeemed my regrets in other ways as well: softening my heart, helping me to be more watchful and prayerful, reminding of my need of His grace and help.

Of course, caregiving is not the only area where I have regrets. As I get older, past situations where I have failed come to mind–in parenting, relationships, ministry, and just about every area.

I can’t go back and redo the things I’ve done wrong. But I can encourage others. I can learn from my failures. God can use the way He helped me by sharing with others. He truly does work all things together for good to those who love Him (Romans 8:28). This doesn’t excuse the wrongdoing. But God, in His grace, can use it for good.

I imagine David regretted his sin with Bathsheba. Even though he got a wife and a son out of the situation, he faced other consequences. His sensitive heart, once it was right with God again, had to have berated himself. But out of that scenario came Psalm 51, which ministers to any who have sinned with the hope of forgiveness and redemption. God still used him to write psalms, prepare Solomon for his reign, and provide for the temple Solomon would build.

I’m sure Peter always regretted that he denied knowing Christ when Jesus was arrested and crucified. Jesus forgave him, restored him, and gave him a ministry. His epistles exhort readers to humility and to face suffering and persecution with joy–things I think he learned through his experiences.

It’s not that doing good deeds can somehow make up for our bad deeds. That’s how redemption often works in literature, but not with God. Just as we’re saved by His grace at the beginning, so we walk in His grace throughout life. We don’t do good things to rack up points with Him or to “even the scales”–we could never do enough! Rather, when He forgives us, we serve Him with renewed and thankful hearts.

For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life (Titus 3:3-7).

But shouldn’t we know better after we’re saved? Isn’t sin that much more heinous after salvation?

The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. . . . As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust” (Psalm 103:13-14).

Micah 7:18 says God delights in mercy.

I love what Christina Rossetti wrote: “A fall is a signal not to lie wallowing, but to rise.” We need to let regret do its convicting, humbling work in us. But then we need to seek God’s grace to keep going, walking closely with Him. He might even redeem our regrets by bringing up opportunities to encourage others with what we have learned.