Several years ago, our ladies’ group asked some older married women in the church to be on a panel for discussion about marriage at a ladies’ meeting. We didn’t want to put them on the spot: we just figured they had more experience, and we wanted to glean their wisdom.
However, we had the hardest time getting anyone to agree to be on the panel. Some ladies didn’t want to participate because they thought their own marriages were far from perfect. Some felt that they were still learning: rather than answering other women’s questions, they still had plenty of their own.
In hindsight, it probably would have been better not to have particular women on a panel in front of everyone. One advantage to a panel is having known and trusted people there, whereas opening questions to the crowd in general might lead to some questionable answers. But perhaps the disadvantages outweighed the advantages.
Still, the evening ended up going very well (details are here). One even said we needed a session like that once a year.
Many of us would shy away from portrayal as an expert in most areas, especially areas of Christian life. We know we fall short. We don’t want anyone looking to us for answers, because we still struggle ourselves.
But an experienced Christian is not the same as an expert Christian.
When we’re struggling in a given area–marriage, devotions, hospitality, motherhood, work environments, or life in general–we’re not drawn to those who have their act together, whose lives are perfect, who never seem to struggle.
We want to hear from people who have been in the trenches, who know how we feel, who won’t give us pat answers, who have experienced the things we have and overcome them.
Andrew Peterson writes in Adorning the Dark: Thoughts on Community, Calling, and the Mystery of Making:
“O God,” you pray, “I’m so small and the universe is so big. What can I possibly say? What can I add to this explosion of glory? My mind is slow and unsteady, my heart is twisted and tired, my hands are smudged with sin. I have nothing—nothing—to offer.
Write about that.
“What do you mean?”
Write about your smallness. Write about your sin, your heart, your inability to say anything worth saying. Watch what happens (p. 11, Kindle version).
Though Peterson was praying about song-writing here, the principle is true in any area of life.
We can’t bless others with packaged advice from a position of perfection. Even if we could, our ministrations would probably be rejected as cold and unfeeling.
But God says His power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).
One day on a hillside, over 5,000 people came to hear Jesus teach. Jesus had compassion on their physical needs as well as their spiritual needs. He told the disciples, “You give them something to eat.”
Of course, the disciples didn’t have the means to feed so many people. Philip indicated they didn’t have enough money to buy even a little food for everyone. Andrew found a boy with five barley loaves and two fish, but then asked, “what are they for so many?”
Jesus already knew what He was going to do to provide for the people. But He wanted the disciples to realize that they could not meet the need on their own.
Jesus had the people sit down, gave thanks, and then distributed the food to the disciples, who gave it to the people. Not only did they have “as much as they wanted,” but they gathered twelve baskets of leftovers.
We don’t have the wherewithal to feed people spiritually. But when we give ourselves to Him, He can work through us to help others. He will take our not-enoughness and work through us to display His more-than-enoughness.
(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)
Stray Thoughts 
Oh how true that we are often afraid to say the wrong thing and come off as pompous, or too vulnerable, or offensive to someone. “Older” women have so much wisdom to share.
I have to add that the term “older” is just so rotten. Perhaps we should say experienced women or wisdom women…There should be a nicer way of saying it. I’m not sure how I would react if someone said, We’re making a panel of older women. Would you like to be on it? 0;
Thankfully, I don’t think I used the word older when asking women to serve on the panel. 🙂 But I like “experienced” much better.
I like the idea of listen to the wisdom of those who have been in the trenches. Life is the greatest teacher.
It is, indeed.
I love this post!!
When we first transitioned to our current church back in 2005, there was a very vibrant Marriage Ministry where couples could sign up to join specific topic small groups in that ministry. There were 6 to choose from and each group had between 6-8 couples plus the leaders (a married couple) for each group. Our first one we signed up for was Communication in the Covnent of Marriage. I forget what the book title was (all based on effective communication) but it was only 6 weeks long (the group). I learned SO MUCH (as did my hubby) and one thing sticks out to me to this day: the leaders, around our age, but married longer than us with 2 kids in between our daughters’ ages, told the group right up front that they are stil learning to communicate effectively as a couple and that the Lord was still showing them ways they succeed and ways they fail. I so appreciated this ministry and the honesty and the good solid Biblical teachings that came from it. Now we have our oldest daughter asking some tough questions (she is now dating someone and thinking it might become serious..she is 32) about marriage and we have to be honest with her “we are still learning even after 35 years but the thing that helps us is keeping Christ in the center of the relationship and being open and honest about our feelings, our needs and our desires. We can only model for the younger generation and pray!!
I was inspired by older married couples in church, too, who would have readily admitted they didn’t have perfect marriages, but shared what they had learned along the way. It’s a lifelong learning process.
This seems like it would be obvious, but it’s like a new insight to me. If I was finding a panel, you’d think “experts” would be what you’d go for. And yet, as you say, “real” people with struggles are so much more relatable. As an example, I’ve been really encouraged by your sharing that it was hard and not natural for you to care for your mother in law. That was so much more encouraging to me than an expert with their act totally together. It also encourages me to be transparent with others about struggles I’ve had.
I think in my early Christian life, I looked for experts in different areas. But I realized at some point that no one is an expert in any area of the Christian life–at least, not in the sense of perfection. And people who come across as experts make me feel like I’ll never measure up. But if people tell me where they stumbled and how they learned from it, I’m encouraged that I can learn and overcome, too. I’m thankful some good came from my caregiving experiences in encouraging you. 🙂
Barbara, this is such a wonderful post. It is a reminder to me to not give “pat answers” to someone in my own strength, but to rely upon the Holy Spirit for Him to lead and minister to the needs of others. Thank you, Friend.
I so often want to “fix” problems for others, but ultimately only God can do that. All I can do is share what He has taught me along the way. That’s remarkably freeing.
Barbara, one particular friend who is a couple of decades older than me comes to mind immediately. I can think of a couple different occasions when she shared honestly from her own life in a way that significantly impacted my life and relationships. Amen to this: “We want to hear from people who have been in the trenches, who know how we feel, who won’t give us pat answers, who have experienced the things we have and overcome them.” (I appreciate how you do this in your own writing, by the way.)
Thank you, Lois. 🙂 It seems like in every stage of life, God has placed someone just ahead of me that I could look to as an example. I don’t know that they ever knew I was observing–I should probably have told them that their examples and how they handled certain situations blessed me.
‘He will take our not-enoughness and work through us to display His more-than-enoughness.’
Ah, you’ve said it so well, Barbara. And having Him do His work instead of depending on ourselves takes the pressure off to perform or look pulled together or think we know it all.
Thank You, Jesus!
I love this one, Barbara! You are so right. We tend to learn most from those who admit they are still learning too.
I love this! I bet more of a round table discussion style would have worked and not made anyone feel like they were on the spot to have an “expert” opinion. But I do think there is something to be said for just admitting that we’re all still learning as we go despite years and experience and the like.
I love everything about this post, Barbara! “We want to hear from people who have been in the trenches, who know how we feel, who won’t give us pat answers, who have experienced the things we have and overcome them.” When I look back over the times I received counsel from others, it was from those who knew what I was experiencing. But the wonder of it all was that they came alongside of me, not with answers, but in prayer. May I be willing to also let Him “take my not-enoughness and work through me to display His more-than-enoughness.”
I was asked to speak at a writer’s conference last summer, and I laughed out loud when I received the invitation because I’ve never even ATTENDED a writer’s conference, so what do I have to say that’s worth hearing?
I titled my talk “Write from Your Weakness” because my experience has been that when I write about the areas of struggle or loss, people respond and seem to be encouraged and challenged. I love that you wrote about this topic!
”An experienced Christian is not the same as an expert Christian.” I love that thought. What a great way to frame it.
I think we learn more and are usually more willing to listen to the advice and experience of someone that we know is still learning also and hasn’t arrived at perfection yet, someone that knows what our struggles are like. Your panel sounds like a great resource and I’m glad it went well. (The more I resemble the term “older” the more I like the term “experienced” instead! haha) There’s so much to learn from the feeding of the multitude, but one of the most important is our recognition that we’re not enough but God is more than enough.
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This is so good Barbara! Our words matter. And one of my favorite learning experiences are those ” you too? I thought it was just me” moments that I learn from others. I’ve never went to a women’s conference before but I think it would be so encouraging to hear about struggles and triumphs. You know, women being real with each other.
Thanks so much for sharing with Sweet Tea & Friends this month sweet friend. I’m so happy you’re here.
Xo