It’s okay to say it hurts

Several years ago someone stood up in a church prayer meeting and requested prayer for a young couple. The husband had just been diagnosed with cancer, and the wife reportedly “wasn’t taking it very well.”

I wondered what was meant by this comment on the wife’s reaction, and I wondered how in the world one does take such news well. If she threw over her faith because she didn’t want to believe in a God who would do such a thing, yes, that would constitute reacting poorly. But I doubt this mutual friend was conveying such a severe response.

Perhaps she got upset, cried, even got angry. But are those responses wrong? Is the Christian life one of perfect serenity and beatific smiles no matter the circumstances?

It doesn’t appear that way in Scripture. The psalms show a range of emotions: grief, confusion, anger, despair. Paul speaks of being with the Corinthians “in weakness and in fear and much trembling” (1 Corinthians 2:3) and being “hard pressed on every side . . . perplexed . . . persecuted . . . struck down” (2 Corinthians 4:8). He reports being “in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger . . . through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything” (2 Corinthians 6:4-10). Even the Lord Jesus wept (Luke 19:41; John 11:33-35) and sweat great drops of blood (Luke 22:44). We don’t “grieve as others do who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13), but we do grieve.

I was once subscribed to an email group of transverse myelitis patients, back in the days before forums, message boards, or Facebook groups. I was conscious of wanting to glorify God and be a good testimony there, both of which were good goals. But I felt that in order to be a good testimony, I had to present myself as always victorious and overcoming and positive. At some point another Christian lady joined the group, and I was blessed as she did not gloss over the hardship and pain and frustration, yet she glorified God in the midst of all of that. Not only did her testimony ring true, but it also made her more relatable. We might admire the people who seem like they’ve always got it all together, but we’re not likely to go to them for help. We’re more drawn to those we can identify with, who’ve been in the trenches we’ve been in and yet survived them with grace.

On the other hand, it’s not good to wallow where the Lord extends grace to overcome. I’ve read people who readily admit to weakness, fear, pain, and grief, yet never exhibit God’s grace in dealing with those things. They seem to glory in their perpetual “mess.” Paul admits being “hard pressed on every side . . . perplexed . . . persecuted . . . struck down,” but he doesn’t stop there. He says he is “not crushed . . . not driven to despair . . . not forsaken . . . not destroyed” ((2 Corinthians 4:8). He is “sorrowful, yet always rejoicing” (2 Corinthians 6:10). He doesn’t “lose heart” (2 Corinthians 4:16). Why? Because “Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18) And later on in chapter 12:7-10, Paul shares that God did not remove something grievous in response to Paul’s prayers, but instead  promised “‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

We do need to distinguish between lament and complaint. We see lament all through the psalms and in some of the prophets, a crying out to God in the midst of painful circumstances. But 1 Corinthians 10:9-10 says of Israel during their trek from Egypt to Canaan: “We must not put Christ to the test, as some of them did and were destroyed by serpents, nor grumble, as some of them did and were destroyed by the Destroyer.” One of those incidents of complaint occurred in Numbers 11:1-3. The people had previously grumbled about lack of water and food (Exodus 15:22-25; 16; 17;1-7), and God just met their need miraculously. He was longsuffering with them, perhaps because they had not been out of Egypt long and had not been taught His ways. But by Numbers 11, God responded to their complaints with fire and a plague. Did God just run out of patience with them? No, but by that time they had seen His miraculous deliverance from Egypt and provision of water and food. They should have gotten to know Him better and exhibited trust in Him at that point, plus grasped the larger picture of what He was delivering them to. What are the differences between lament and complaint? I don’t know all of them: that’s something I would like to study out more. Tim Challies points out the difference in one’s posture of either pride or humility. Complaint in these cases seemed to include a lack of faith, as I mentioned, and even an attack on God’s leadership, and by way of implication, on God. The laments in the psalms honestly admit the dire circumstances and hardships, but there is an element of faith running through them.

In George H. Guthrie’s book Read the Bible for Life: Your Guide to Understanding and Living God’s Word, Michael Card says:

Lament teaches us that we have to go through the process of dealing with our suffering before God. You don’t just stuff your feelings down and put a good face on it, like a lot of us tend to do. You need to go through the process of pouring your heart out to God. And if you don’t have the language for it, the Bible will give you the language.

Almost all of the psalms of lament involve the psalmist reminding himself of the truth he knows. God is good and righteous. He loves us. He sees and knows what’s going on. He will bring about justice in His own time. He has the power to deliver us, and at some point He will. But in the meantime we can rest in Him. Through prayer and praise, the psalmist exhibits faith that God hears him and will do what’s best.

So when our friends are going through a hard time, we don’t need to add to their burden by judging their tears and lamentations. We can lend a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and gently remind them of God’s truth.

Enduring hardship as a Christian is not just a matter of a stiff upper lip or a smile that glosses over painful circumstances. When we’re in the midst of pain and sorrow ourselves, we can “take it to the Lord in prayer,” as the old hymn says. Sometimes we can cry out to Him in ways that we could not before others. We remind ourselves of the truth we have gleaned from His Word, that He knows all about it, He cares, He has the bigger picture in view, and He has promised His grace for our every need. And He’ll be glorified as others see His grace in us through the hard times.

But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. I cried aloud to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy hill. Psalm 3:3-4, ESV

(Sharing with Inspire Me Monday, Literary Musing Monday, Tell His Story, Let’s Have Coffee, Woman to Woman Word-filled Wednesday, Porch Stories, Wise Woman, Faith on Fire, Grace and Truth.
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19 thoughts on “It’s okay to say it hurts

  1. I agree, we need to be honest about our struggles as well as our victories and we bless one another by doing that. I was thinking along similar lines in my post today as well. I like how you differentiate between lamenting and complaining.

  2. Definitely agree. I was having this very conversation last night with Jeff. I have a friend going through a VERY rough time, yet she doesn’t think she’s being strong just because she occasionally cries and shows emotions. We have really gone awry somewhere in our definition of strength. 😦 I told my friend that breaking down occasionally IS strength. When we don’t allow ourselves to feel all our emotions, we are stunting ourselves. Like you said, that doesn’t mean we go around complaining about it, but we do lament. Great distinction.

  3. Excellent thoughts. I can relate to much of this — wanting to be a “good witness” while suffering, but how exactly does that look while still being authentic? I have an acquaintance who had 2 children born with genetic defects. In the past 3 years, both children died around age 12. She blogged often about “lament” and it seemed an appropriate description.

  4. So well said, Barbara. I’ve learned that asking for help or admitting that things are not going well takes strength and courage. I’ve also found that I am careful who I share with. I want someone who will pray with me and help me see the good; someone who will uplift me. People who pat me on the shoulder and say :Oh you poor thing. Let;s just camp here awhile so you can really sink into despair.” aren’t very helpful. I also agree with not letting whatever is going on define you. I have fibromyalgia and have encountered some with similar chronic pain. They sometimes wear that label as a “badge of honor”. I love that God gives us close friends to confide in and who will pray for us and stand beside us during the difficult times.

  5. It is so true that it’s okay to admit our hurts. No one really has it all together. We all have struggles and the best thing we can do it “take it to the Lord in prayer” because He’s big enough to handle all our questions and problems. I don’t think we lament enough. We try to be strong and hide our troubles, but God is ready and waiting to bear our burdens. You’re right that it’s much easier to relate to someone who admits their struggles and shares how God has been with them throughout. Blessings to you, Barbara!

  6. This is so, so important! Your entire post just makes me want to shout, “AMEN!” Much of the Church has a tendency to ignore lament because somehow it’s uncomfortable. How can we state the terrible reality while glorifying God at the same time? Talking about our troubled hearts is sometimes perceived as a lack of faith. But it’s that exact mindset that robs God of glory. If God isn’t good and worthy of honor even in the tough stuff of life, then is He EVER? Of course He is! So we must be willing to acknowledge the painful realities.

  7. A beautiful reminder for all of us to be honest in who we are and how things are going. It’s okay to say it hurts is not something I’m very good at, but I want to get better. Thank you for this truth today.

  8. Thank you for posting your article with Grace & Truth. What words of wisdom you share. The best thing I ever learned was two things can be true at the same time. I can love the Lord and even be angry. I can have faith and still hurt. I can be sad and still feel joy. I used to think I had to show I had it all together all of the time. Thank you for your beautiful words.

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  10. A great post. I love that we can pour out our hearts to the Lord. Thank you for distinguishing between lament and complaint. Lament draws us into deeper relationship with the One Who knows and loves us most!

  11. Thanks for your encouragement…I often think of the psalms when I am going through difficult times. Our emotions are God-given and we are not alone in our struggles. Being aware of the differences (like complaining and lamenting, mistreating someone in anger versus sharing our disappointment) we can express ourselves without sinning. Our grief does not equal not trusting God. Thankfully, He knows our frailty…

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