When someone makes a cutting remark to us, we want to slice them back with our words. When they speak unkindly to us, when they are dismissive or make us feel stupid, often our first instinct is to answer them back in like manner. “Oh yeah? Well, you . . . “
I’m not confrontational by nature, so I may not say what comes to mind. But I’ve sure fed retaliatory thoughts for hours after a negative encounter.
Yet I am often convicted by Colossians 4:6: “Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.” (NKJV).
Christians use the word “grace” a lot. There are many ramifications of what grace means in the Bible, but the standard definition of grace is “unmerited favor.” Though the word isn’t used in Romans 5:8-10, the concept is: “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.”
Titus 3 provides another clear illustration. Verse 3 says we “were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another.” Then there comes a turning point: “But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life” (verses 4-7).
If we understand grace as God’s favor shown to us when we didn’t deserve it, then what does it mean to let our speech be with grace?
Well, the grace that God shows to us, we show to others. We don’t react negatively to negativity. We forgive because He forgives us. We love out of the overflow of His love for us.
I like to think of it as being kinder to other people than we think they deserve. Of course, we should treat every person with the respect of an image-bearer of God.
But when someone isn’t bearing that image well, we don’t respond in kind. The Internet has made harsh speech the norm rather than the exception since we can’t see the hurt in others’ eyes or when we know they can’t hurt us beyond flinging words back at us.
But when we speak with grace, we respond kindly even when others are harsh. We remember God was kind to us when we didn’t deserve it.
Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath.” Responding softly can often disarm a person’s anger and diffuse the tension.
But grace isn’t just about conflict avoidance. Ephesians 4:29 tells us, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” We build others up with our speech instead of tearing them down. We “minister grace to the hearers,” as the KJV puts it. Hopefully, the grace we show others, even when, especially when, they don’t deserve it will point them back to the One who gave grace to us and wants to give it to them as well.
Gracious speech isn’t dull, wishy-washy, Pollyanna-ish, never taking a stand. Colossians 4:6 goes on to say our gracious speech should be “seasoned with salt.” Ephesians 4:15 talks about “speaking the truth in love.” Jesus was full of grace and truth (John 1:14).
We have to share truth, even when it hurts, because it would be even more hurtful to the person not to share it. But we don’t wield truth like a club. We share truth graciously, in love, hoping for their reconciliation.
May God give us the grace to be kind and gracious to others, even when they don’t seem to deserve it, because He was kind and gracious to us when we didn’t deserve it.
(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)
Stray Thoughts 
I’ve thought a lot about this lately so it’s very timely! We’ve had a death in the family and I’ve found myself in the midst of some sniping. Rather than continue the backbiting, I once said, “I think we just need to show some grace,” to which the other (professing Christian) relative said, “Grace? Come on! Did you hear what she said?” I thought how hard it can be to truly understand what grace means, let alone extend it to others. Thank you for the timely reminder.
Oh wow! It’s hard to fathom a Christian being so dismissive of showing grace to others like that. I think some associate grace with salvation but forgot or haven’t realized how it’s supposed to infuse every area of life.
It sure is difficult to bite our tongues at those times we feel we have been wronged or misrepresented! God has forgive us so much. We need to forgive others. But it sure isn’t easy!
Barbara, I love this post, especially this quote, “May God give us the grace to be kind and gracious to others, even when they don’t seem to deserve it, because He was kind and gracious to us when we didn’t deserve it.” The Hollies’ 1969 song He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother, has always been a favorite of mine. The first time I heard that song, I was 16 years old, the new kid in 10th grade at Sebring High School. I walked up the steps alone on that first day, I had felt alone most of my life. Adopted at four months of age, I had been an only child until my adoptive parents adopted my little brother from different biological parents when I was 12. We moved eight times in the seven years from 1961 to 1968, and although I felt greatly loved by my adoptive parents, I was reminded often that, “if there had been anything wrong with me, they could have given me back.” My empathy for children with special needs was born with that awareness. What if there had been “something wrong” with me, where would I be now? I made friends quickly in my advanced classes at Sebring High, becoming one of the editors of the school yearbook my junior year, and being elected as the first female president of the student body my senior year. At the same time, we had a sweet neighbor, Ralph Shuckford, who was an adult with developmental disabilities. I would often think as I spent time with him, “There, but for the grace of God, go I.” … the Grace of God, indeed, ALL is Grace. Many blessings to you!
“We remember God was kind to us when we didn’t deserve it.” Amen! We are less likely to be unkind when we realize the amount of grace we have been given. Also, remembering the kindness, the lovingkindness of the Father, should encourage us to want to imitate our Father. He is firm, yes, but He is kind.
This is so good. We do have to guard against using our words as a club to beat people over the head with. Like Jerralea, I’m struck by the knowledge that God leads with kindness.
It’s hard not to react to negativity with negativity, isn’t it? But you’re right … God loved us first, which empowers us to love others. I also appreciate your point that our gracious speech should also be seasoned with salt. Not too much or too little, just enough.
I also think we demonstrate what we wish to see in the world. Everyone slips and we aren’t always going to be gracious but we do remember the times we see others act with grace and find ways to deescalate and pour God’s patience with us into others. I remember those times more than the times people acted badly because it is such a shock to the system to see someone act not as a victim but as someone who demonstrates that there is another path.
We generally don’t know why the other person is acting unkindly and we lack the ability to control it but we can call on God to work in that person and to help us with how we react.
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