gracious words | Stray Thoughts

When someone makes a cutting remark to us, we want to slice them back with our words. When they speak unkindly to us, when they are dismissive or make us feel stupid, often our first instinct is to answer them back in like manner. “Oh yeah? Well, you . . . “

I’m not confrontational by nature, so I may not say what comes to mind. But I’ve sure fed retaliatory thoughts for hours after a negative encounter.

Yet I am often convicted by Colossians 4:6: “Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.” (NKJV).

Christians use the word “grace” a lot. There are many ramifications of what grace means in the Bible, but the standard definition of grace is “unmerited favor.” Though the word isn’t used in Romans 5:8-10, the concept is: “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.”

Titus 3 provides another clear illustration. Verse 3 says we “were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another.” Then there comes a turning point: “But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life” (verses 4-7).

If we understand grace as God’s favor shown to us when we didn’t deserve it, then what does it mean to let our speech be with grace?

Well, the grace that God shows to us, we show to others. We don’t react negatively to negativity. We forgive because He forgives us. We love out of the overflow of His love for us.

I like to think of it as being kinder to other people than we think they deserve. Of course, we should treat every person with the respect of an image-bearer of God.

But when someone isn’t bearing that image well, we don’t respond in kind. The Internet has made harsh speech the norm rather than the exception since we can’t see the hurt in others’ eyes or when we know they can’t hurt us beyond flinging words back at us.

But when we speak with grace, we respond kindly even when others are harsh. We remember God was kind to us when we didn’t deserve it.

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath.” Responding softly can often disarm a person’s anger and diffuse the tension.

But grace isn’t just about conflict avoidance. Ephesians 4:29 tells us, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” We build others up with our speech instead of tearing them down. We “minister grace to the hearers,” as the KJV puts it. Hopefully, the grace we show others, even when, especially when, they don’t deserve it will point them back to the One who gave grace to us and wants to give it to them as well.

Gracious speech isn’t dull, wishy-washy, Pollyanna-ish, never taking a stand. Colossians 4:6 goes on to say our gracious speech should be “seasoned with salt.” Ephesians 4:15 talks about “speaking the truth in love.” Jesus was full of grace and truth (John 1:14).

We have to share truth, even when it hurts, because it would be even more hurtful to the person not to share it. But we don’t wield truth like a club. We share truth graciously, in love, hoping for their reconciliation.

May God give us the grace to be kind and gracious to others, even when they don’t seem to deserve it, because He was kind and gracious to us when we didn’t deserve it.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

The Bible tells us older folks to mentor, teach, and be an example to younger people.Though I’ve never had a formal mentoring relationship with an older woman, I have been blessed by the testimony, example, and encouragement from women just ahead of my own life situation. Sometimes a passing remark from one of them has stayed with me for days, even years.

Now being in the “older” category myself, I understand concerns about trends in our world today.

It’s good for older people to share from their experience or express their opinions. But how we share our concerns is as important as what we share.

I’ve winced at memes on social media from older people extolling the ways life was superior “back in our day.” But I wonder if we realize how that sentiment comes across. Some might be meant as a joke, but many have a bite to them.

I think those kinds of posts either make people roll their eyes or get defensive. These memes can come across as condescending or finger-wagging, causing unnecessary offense.

Before we post such memes, here are some things that might be good to consider:

We did many things differently from our parents’ generation, didn’t we? So why would we be surprised when the next generation does as well?

Our view of “our day” may not even be correct. We tend to wax nostalgic, reframing the good and forgetting the bad.

We need to remember the struggles we had as younger women–the feeling that we’re failing at motherhood, at life in general, that we’ll never catch up or measure up.

Sometimes the issues some like to gripe about reflect cultural changes that aren’t good or bad in themselves.

For one example, a particular meme said something catchy (though I have forgotten how it was worded) about how we survived without taking water bottles or to-go coffee cups with us everywhere.

My first thought was, “So . . . what’s so bad about that?” So people like to bring their drink of choice with them. Is that a character flaw?

Another meme (or maybe the same one) went on to decry the bringing of our beverages into church. However, some people may think it makes for a more hospitable atmosphere to bring beverages. Many churches have coffee brewing and offer to-go cups from before Sunday school until after the morning service. Some of us who have physical problems like postnasal drip, with its frequent throat-clearing, or dry mouth, call less attention to ourselves and distraction for others by being able to take a sip rather than having to go out to the water fountain during a service.

I’ve known people adamantly opposed to bringing food or beverages into the sanctuary. But this is a cultural rather than a biblical issue. Churches didn’t have sanctuaries in Bible times. They met in homes, where there well might have been something to drink. There’s nothing sinful about carrying beverages with us, even bringing them into church.

It’s true we might not understand some of the practices of younger folks. And our practices might even actually be better. I’ve seen memes about phone usage and discipline that I actually agreed with. But the sarcastic tone didn’t invite dialogue or conversation.

Instead of ridiculing or talking down to younger women, let’s edify them. Instead of sharing what we think of as our better ways, let’s share from our own failures and faults how the Lord gave us grace and helped us overcome. Let’s encourage them that God loves them and wants them to draw close to Him and seek His help. His grace is always available in times of need. Let’s look for the positive and the well-meaning intentions to praise. Let’s tell them they are doing a good job when they are and pray for them when they need help. Let’s make our speech healthful rather than stabbing.

Isaiah foretold of the Servant of the Lord, Jesus, “The Lord GOD has given me the tongue of those who are taught, that I may know how to sustain with a word him who is weary. Morning by morning he awakens; he awakens my ear to hear as those who are taught” (Isaiah 50:4). May we meet each day with Him, learn of His truth and character, and share with others in humility and love. May our words–and memes–be full of grace.