I’m not sure I like the term “empty nest” as a description of life when children grow up and leave home.
Have you ever seen a used empty nest?
Some type of little brown birds used to build a nest every year on top of the corner post of the porch. We could watch their life cycle from our front door: the parents building the nest, the mother sitting, the babies growing and straining their beaks toward the food brought by the parents.
Finally, the parent birds would fly to a nearby bush and call for the babies to come. The babies didn’t move from the nest at first. But eventually, one by one, they flew off.
When we were sure they weren’t coming back, we’d take the nest down and brush away the debris of broken twigs and bird droppings from the post. The nest itself was a mess, as four or five baby birds lived there for weeks without a designated spot for relieving themselves.
Mother bird and I share similarities of raising a flock who have successfully gone on to live independently as adults. But that tattered, speckled, messy weaving of twigs doesn’t match up with how I envision my home or life after grown children leave.
As my oldest sons approached adulthood, I wasn’t sure how I’d cope when they left home. I always felt being a wife and mother were my main responsibilities and priorities. How could such an intense relationship with daily interaction abruptly change? How could I suddenly flip a switch from full-time mother to a “retired” one?
Actually, it wasn’t such a sudden switch after all. From the time we first teach them to feed and dress themselves and become responsible, we show them how to start operating independently of us. As they learn to drive, become involved in youth group or music lessons or a part-time job, they spend more and more time away from us. They go to camp and then youth group mission trips. When they go away to college, they take first steps towards adult living while coming home for breaks. (Even though mine commuted to college while living at home, they spent their days and evenings away.)
So by the time kids leave home, they and their parents have had some experience being separated.
Still, that initial move away from home is hard. My middle son left first, getting married a couple of months after college graduation. It didn’t hit me until he started bringing home boxes to pack his stuff in. When I got teary, he made a sign that said “Sewing Room” and put it on his door.
Even though he didn’t live under our roof after marriage, he and his wife lived just a few minutes away, and we saw them frequently.
Then we found out that we were going to be the ones moving away when my husband’s job transferred him to TN.
My oldest lived at home for a while after graduation, not sure what his next steps should be. But when we found we were moving, he decided it was time to step out. He had several friends in RI, and one of them offered him a job.
So it felt like our “nest” emptied by two-thirds all at once, as we left my middle son and his wife in SC, and our oldest went to RI, and we moved to TN.
That was agonizingly hard for all of us.
My youngest son moved with us, finished high school, and attended college locally. He lived at home for a few more years, but moved out a couple of years ago. He’s not far away, thankfully, though he’s talking about (and I am praying against) possibly moving to Washington state or Canada.
So my “nest” has been officially empty for a few years now. Here are some thoughts that helped the transition.
Though our children don’t live at home any more, I have not stopped being a mother.
I miss the everyday hearing how their day went and knowing what they’re up to. But I’m abundantly thankful for texts, emails, and FaceTime.
Sometimes they ask advice, and I try to refrain from offering any unless asked.
We still see each other frequently.
I still pray for them, sometimes I think even more intensely.
Though wifing and mothering were my first priorities, they weren’t exclusive. How much to be involved in other things was always a struggle as my children were growing up. But I felt service, both within church and to individual people, was important. I wanted to serve, but I also wanted them to see service was a normal part of Christian life.
I also wanted them to see that hobbies and friendships with others outside the home were healthy.
I had things to look forward to when my kids moved out. Though I missed them, I enjoyed turning one of their bedrooms into a sewing/craft room. Not only was that fun, but it helped so much to have a place for all my materials, to work on projects, and to leave them out.
I look forward to writing more.
I enjoy being able to pick up and and go somewhere with my husband without concerns about babysitters or teenagers at home.
I could “mother” others. Titus 2 specifically instructs older women to teach and encourage younger women. Sometimes that happens via a formal mentoring situation; most often it happens through friendships and “doing life” together. Though we might not consider ourselves “older women” when the nest first empties, we’re older than someone and can encourage them along the way.
Phyllis Le Peau followed Jesus’ admonition “to feed the hungry, care for widows, and visit those in prison.” She found ways to serve in each of those areas.
My mother-in-law’s hospice chaplain had taken on that as well as a jail ministry in retirement years.
An older lady in our church took it upon herself to visit my mother-in-law a couple of times a month in assisted living. When we moved and my mother-in-law lived with us, one lady in the church wrote regular newsy notes.
Though physical issues may arise and strength may wane as we get older, there are still a number of ways older women can serve others.
I think older women are some of the best at what someone called the “ministry of the pew”–showing an interest and talking with others. At every church we visited in the last year and a half, there was always an older woman who went beyond “We’re glad to have you with us” to make us feel especially welcome.
God’s grace is sufficient for every need at hand. God will enable us to transition to the empty nest years when they arrive—not three years before. He is always with those who believe on Him. He created the family structure such that our children grow up, “leave father and mother,” and serve Him as adults. We can trust Him for our children as they leave the nest, and for ourselves as we serve Him in different ways.
I loved being a full-time mother. But God doesn’t want me to live with regret and longing for the past. He has something for me at each new stage of life.
(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)
Stray Thoughts 
Enjoyed your post, as always, Ms. Barbara. A couple of thoughts to share. One, we NEVER stop being a parent. I sometimes think Diane and I have helped our grown children more, especially in learning how the real world works, than when they were young. Two, while I have no local children or grandchildren, that doesn’t stop me from being a pseudo-dad to a couple of young men, and a pseudo-grandpa to many young people. When I come across those without a dad or papaw, I graciously and unassumingly make myself available to help fill that void in their lives. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Help one another? God’s blessings ma’am.
Amen on both counts. Though a lot changes when our children move out, there are still many ways to help and influence them. And being available to those without a nearby parent or grandparent is a great way to help and serve others.
Hope Mr. Jim is recovering well ma’am. You’ve both been in our prayers.
Thanks so much. We really appreciation them. He seems to have a few good days, then a couple of bad ones. But overall, he’s making steady progress. Hopefully we’ll be back to “normal” soon.
Thank you for this post Barbara. My kiddos have been gone since 2017 and I still struggle. I don’t know what to do with myself most of the time. So many years of being Mom and making sure everything was taken care of is hard to let go of. I’m sure when Dan and figure out where we are going to land it will be a bit easier to get involved. It doesn’t help that I am an introvert. I would rather stay home and read, knit, blog… anything other than get out in the public.
I agree, I think it might be easier when you’re settled somewhere. It’s hard to focus on anything when you know you’re going to move, but not when and where.
I am an introvert homebody, too. 🙂 The church we’re currently attending is “busier” than what we’re used to. But I find I do like getting out and being involved, once I’m there.
Amen. There are many ways we can be a mother. 🙂 Yes, God has something new for each stage of life. I am thankful He has a plan. Have a blessed week! 🙂
I struggled each time one of my kids “flew from the nest”. They were ready to go but I wasn’t. Now each have their own family and I have blessings of grandchildren. I like the analogy of taking the nest down and cleaning the twigs left behind when the baby birdies have flown. In so many ways, I had to do the same thing – pack up things, change the function of what was their bedroom, make way for a new life. But, yes, you never stop being a mother. Now, it’s even harder. You can’t send them to their room or discipline or teach. Now you must sit back and watch and pray. They belong to the Father now. My work may be essentially done but my prayers continue. Great post.
This was encouraging for me to read because my recent nest-emptying was somewhat similar. After two shocking job losses in one year, my husband and I decided to move out of state for him to take a new job. I was still shell shocked from the job loss when we moved out of our family home, leaving our three adult children (and a daughter-in-law and baby granddaughter) to live in the house while we moved to a rented townhouse in a city where we knew no one – except that our oldest son and his family live about half an hour away. The transition was wrenching and I struggled with grief and loneliness and isolation far longer than I expected. I was not prepared for my nest to empty all at once and that I wouldn’t even have the comfort of being in my home or with my friends. But God has been faithful, and slowly I’ve adjusted and found ways to still be available as Mum and Nonny to my family, and I hope I’ll continue to find opportunities to love on new people too. And comfort in remembering that God was NOT surprised by the events that hit me out of nowhere, and he uses all things, even painful ones, for our good – my good and my kids’ good too. Great post!
Barbara, what a beautifully written post on what could be a rather “sensitive” topic! As you said, we never stop being a mother, but our goal in raising our family was to love them by teaching them responsibility so that they would become responsible adults and citizens. By God’s grace that has been the outcome for our two. But I did miss each of them when they moved out on their own. It was when our son (the last to leave) moved to another state for employment that my husband and I made the decision to move closer to our parents. We are so thankful that we made that decision. We were here when they needed us the most, while our kids were out growing in their adulthood. It’s also because of that move that God has led us to churches where we’ve grown in our faith.
This is so timely! My oldest, who lives across the country, just messaged me that she’d decided not to come home this Christmas. Many tears have been shed since then. I have always loved kids, and was older when I got married and had mine. I guess I never adequately considered that there would be life left after they had moved on! I love your ideas here of still being able to be a mom to others who are in my daily sphere. I think it’s so sweet that your son made the “sewing room” sign and put it on his bedroom door! Thanks for the thoughts today. Really feels like God put them out there for me.
Just typed a very long reply and word press lost it.. just to say I enjoyed reading your post. I’m dreading the day my two leave home, they are 10 and 12 now, and I can’t imagine them growing up and leaving me. I know it’s going to happen and I know it will not be easy, my 10 year old has told me she will buy a house just down the road.. I’m hoping this happens.
Thanks for the post, you have got me thinking.. the next 10 years I know will fly by as quickly as the last 10 years.. way to fast!
Barb, yes, for sure, our mothering continues. It looks a bit different but it seems richer and deeper on many levels. I wish my family lived closer. But it is what it is and I am thankful for every time we connect. Praise God for the opportunities He’s given us to mentor and companion other women along the way. And for those who’ve given that same grace to us.
You’re right that emptying the nest is typically a gradual thing; it made it a bit easier for me too. I love that each season of life holds new treasures for us, ones that we couldn’t have fully imagined until we experience them.
We were told years ago that we weren’t empty nesters. We are Free Birds. Absolutely true. We’re flying on with more to do, without missing the multiplication that started when we became parents. Enjoy this part of life, and don’t miss the new thing God is doing!
Like you, Barbara, I loved being a full time mother. While in many ways, it has changed over the years, I am most grateful for each season. While our nest is emptier now, in many ways, it is fuller as we now have grandchildren. The Lord has been faithful and brought joy and fullness through the times we are together.
It’s difficult to let go as we were the ones to move and then both our children decided to not move with us and moved in together (the area we left) but as you mentioned, fortunately, we were still able to visit, communicate and get together on a regular basis. Both are married and have children themself and now we are in a fortunate position to stay in the basement with our Daughter and her family and our Son and his family only about 30 minutes away. We can see them way more frequently than years ago, and life is good.
Thank you for sharing your links with us at #286 SSPS Linky. See you again next week.
Barbara, this is just beautiful and touched me so.
Visiting today from Joanne’s
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It has taken me way longer than I planned to read this, but I LOVE it! Your son’s “sewing room” sign made me smile … he knew what his mom would need, didn’t he? A friend once told me that the young adult years were her favorite because of all the exciting changes and possibilities our kids get to experience during that phase. That has been so helpful to me as my own nest emptied out this fall. I’ve enjoyed every stage of mothering, but I love the closeness that we have now even though we are not together geographically. And I totally agree about praying even more intensely for our kids when they out on their own!
Thank you so very much for sharing this beautiful message with Sweet Tea & Friends this month dear friend.
I loved reading your post. Thank you for sharing your feelings about your empty nest.
Thank you so much! Thank you very much for this encouraging blog. Because it is difficult in the Netherlands to buy or rent a house right now, the kids are staying at home longer. That is a bit challenging. I look forward to the moment when one of them moves out on their own. That would be so much healthier. Best regards, Aritha.
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