I wrote this a few years ago and have reposted it a couple of times. I probably won’t do so every year, but this year several friends have lost loved ones, and the first Christmas without them can be very hard. Maybe this will help. I’ve edited it a bit so the time frames are current.I also shared a bit from this and added some different thoughts in Christmas Grief, Christmas Hope for a newspaper column I was contributing to a a couple of years ago.
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December could be a rather gloomy month for my family. My mother passed away Dec. 10 nine years ago, my father Dec. 12 sixteen years ago, and my grandmother Christmas Eve a few years prior to that, leading my brother to exclaim once that he just wanted to cancel the whole month. In more recent years the husband of a good college friend passed away in December 21 on our anniversary, and our family dog died the same day.
The death of a loved any any time of year can shadow the whole Christmas season as we miss our normal interactions with that loved one, and several years later, though maybe the pangs aren’t quite as sharp, they’re still there, and it’s not abnormal to be caught off guard by a memory or a longing leading to a good crying jag.
When someone is grieving over the holidays, they may not want to participate in some of the “normal” happy pastimes. It’s not that they don’t ever laugh or enjoy gatherings. But as Sherry said yesterday, “I am enjoying the traditional holiday celebrations, and at the same time they move me to tears, sad tears for things that have been lost this year. I am singing the music, and yet I’m tired of the froth of jingling bells and pa-rumpumpum.” I remember almost wishing that we still observed periods of mourning with wearing black or some sign of “Grief in progress” — not to rain on anyone else’s good time, but just to let people know there was woundedness under the surface, and just as physical wounds need tenderness while healing, so do emotional ones. Normally I love baby and bridal showers and make it a point to attend, but for several months after my mom’s death I did not want to go to them. I rejoiced with those who rejoiced…but just did not want to rejoice in quite that way. I first heard the news of my mom’s death during our adult Sunday School Christmas party, and the next year I just did not want to attend – the grief was still too close to the surface and would probably erupt in that setting where I first heard the news. Even just three years ago when our ladies’ Christmas party was on the anniversary of my mom’s death, I was concerned that at some point during the evening I would have to find the restroom and lock myself in to release some tears (though thankfully that did not happen).
Other events can cast a pall over Christmas: illness, job loss, a family estrangement, etc. One Christmas we were all sick as dogs, and my father-in-law had just had a major health crisis and wanted us to come up from SC to ID to visit. There was just no way we could drag ourselves onto a plane until antibiotics had kicked in a few days later, but we did go, and if I remember correctly, that was the last time any of us except my husband saw him alive, so in retrospect we were glad we went, though it wasn’t the merriest of Christmases. A good friend grieved over “ruining” her family’s Christmas by being in the hospital with a severe kidney infection. Lizzie wrote about visiting her husband in prison for Christmas. Quilly commented yesterday about being homeless one Christmas. Yet both Lizzie and Quilly mentioned reasons for rejoicing in the midst of those circumstances.
If you’re grieving this Christmas, don’t feel guilty if you’re not quite into the “froth” this year (on the other hand, don’t feel guilty for enjoying it, either). One quote I shared on a Week In Words post earlier had to do with giving yourself time to heal. There may be times to go through with the holiday festivities for family’s sake — and, truly, those times can help keep you from the doldrums. Sherry shared how making a list of reasons to celebrate Christmas helped. Look for the good things to rejoice in. Don’t let the grief turn you into Scrooge who hates Christmas: your loved one who is gone wouldn’t want that to happen. I think they’d probably prefer you celebrate in their memory and enjoy the best parts of the season while still remembering them in it. E-mom left a valuable comment yesterday that we can treasure up the memories of good Christmases to tide us over the not so good ones, and then look forward to better things ahead. And as I said yesterday, remember that the first Christmas was not all about the froth, either, but was messy, lonely, and painful, yet out of it was born the Savior of the world and the hope of mankind. Rejoice in that hope and promise. Draw near to Him who has borne our griefs and carries our sorrows until grief and sorrow are done away forever.
“Some people seem to think that if they set apart certain definite days for praise, it is enough. For example, they will be grateful for a whole day once in the year—thinking that this is the way God wants them to show their gratitude. But the annual Thanksgiving Day is not intended to gather into itself the thanksgiving for a whole year; rather it is intended to give the keynote for all the year’s life. Life’s true concert pitch, is praise. If we find that we are below the right pitch, we should take advantage of particular thanksgiving seasons to get keyed up. That is the way people do with their pianos—they have them tuned now and then, when the strings get slack and the music begins to grow discordant—and it is quite as important to keep our life in tune as our piano.” ~ J.R. Miller
I found this quote a few weeks ago and thought it seemed perfect for this season. Now that we’re “tuned up” by remembering the many things we have to be thankful for, and especially remembering the One to whom we owe thanks, may we make thanksgiving a lifestyle rather than a holiday.
I hope you and yours have a wonderful day with family and feasting!
O my God, Thou fairest, greatest, first of all objects, my heart admires, adores, loves thee, for my little vessel is as full as it can be, and I would pour out all that fullness before thee in ceaseless flow. When I think upon and converse with thee ten thousand delightful thoughts spring up, ten thousand sources of pleasure are unsealed, ten thousand refreshing joys spread over my heart, crowding into every moment of happiness. I bless thee for the soul thou hast created, for adorning it, sanctifying it, though it is fixed in barren soil; for the body thou hast given me, for preserving its strength and vigour, for providing senses to enjoy delights, for the ease and freedom of my limbs, for hands, eyes, ears that do thy bidding; for thy royal bounty providing my daily support, for a full table and overflowing cup, for appetite, taste, sweetness, for social joys of relatives and friends, for ability to serve others, for a heart that feels sorrows and necessities, for a mind to care for my fellow-men, for opportunities of spreading happiness around, for loved ones in the joys of heaven, for my own expectation of seeing thee clearly, I love thee above the powers of language to express, for what thou art to thy creatures. Increase my love, O my God, through time and eternity.
(I was going to write something about Valentine’s Day, and in going through some old posts on the subject found this one, which says all the same things I’d want to say this year, so I’ll repost it. 🙂 I’m combining it with another post in which I had some Valentine links.)
Valentine’s Scrooges. 🙂 That was the only term I could come up with for those whose comments I have seen here and there who despise Valentine’s Day. And I had to add the little smiley so it wouldn’t sound like I was ranting. 🙂
I don’t mind Valentine’s indifference… didn’t grow up celebrating it much, hadn’t thought about it, not a big deal…that’s understandable. But why would anyone hate it, and not just hate it in their own hearts, but feel compelled to rain on everyone else’s parade by forcibly and publicly saying so?
“It’s too commercial.” Well, sure, but like Christmas, you can be as commercial or uncommercial as you want in your own personal celebration. But don’t look down on store-bought cards or restaurant rather than home-made goodies. Not everyone has the time or confidence or bent to “make” things.
“I don’t need a man-made holiday to show my wife I love her.” Well, good for you. I’m sure she appreciates that. ( 🙂 = not ranting!)
“We should show love every day.” True. (This is what I’ve heard most this year.) We should also give thanks every day, but it’s helpful to have a day focused on it at Thanksgiving. We should remember and be glad for the Resurrection at least every Sunday, but it’s wonderful to especially commemorate it at Easter. We should be thankful for our friends and loved ones every day, but it’s nice to especially let them know on their birthdays or anniversaries. Those special, focused celebrations can remind us of what we should be thinking and feeling every day and spur us on. And that’s how I look at Valentine’s Day. I love my dear ones all the time, but it’s fun on this special day to celebrate love even more.
By “celebrate,” I don’t necessarily mean go all out. We’ve always exchanged cards. Some years ago I got some heart-shaped cupcake pans, and Valentine cupcakes became a tradition.
Most years that’s all we have done, with maybe some candy for the kids. My husband has frequently brought me candy and flowers on Valentine’s Day. One year I did a Valentine scavenger hunt for the kids, with little clues on half-hearts — they had to find the other half to get their treat. They loved that and wanted to do it again the next year, but it was too hard to keep coming up with clues. Another year I was inspired to make a garland out of heart doilies, but I don’t know what happened to it. I have a heart-shaped wreath by the front door. Nothing major or expensive — just little tokens of the day. We don’t go out to eat on that day — too crowded. I think I have usually tried to make a special meal that day, but it is only in the last few years I’ve tried to make a Valentine-themed meal like Crescent Heart-Topped Lasagna Casserole
(Though the boys did tease that the red sauce on the heart meat loaves looked too anatomically correct 🙄 :)). And I’m inclined to play some of my favorite sappy love songs while working in the kitchen that day (usually Chanson d’amour by The King’s Singers). We’ve always celebrated it as a family rather than leaving the kids with sitters while we go off for a romantic time (nothing wrong with doing that sometimes — we do on anniversaries).
An equally disturbing attitude regarding Valentine’s Day was this comment I saw somewhere: “He better get me flowers, or else!” That’s not particularly loveable, either. Valentine’s is about showing love, not sitting back with arms folded, foot tapping, seeing if he is going to “measure up.” I heard an excellent talk some years ago by Gregg Harris: I don’t remember what the overall talk was about, but what stuck with me was the encouragement not to use anniversaries and special occasions as a “test,” but rather to help him to remember (rather than getting mad at him for forgetting) and discussing whether and how you’d both like to commemorate. A Different Approach to Valentine’s Day explores that further.
All in all, in the grand scheme of life and eternity, it doesn’t matter if you celebrate a particular day or not. “One man esteemeth one day above another: another esteemeth every day alike. Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind. He that regardeth the day, regardeth it unto the Lord; and he that regardeth not the day, to the Lord he doth not regard it” (Romans 14:5-6a). But as for me and my house, we enjoy celebrating holidays. Well, maybe not Groundhog’s Day, President’s Day, etc. 🙂 But Valentine’s Day is one of my favorites.
Here are some of my favorite Valentine’s-flavored links, quotes, etc. – not all of them are specifically Valentiney, but they can be applied. 🙂
A splendid team, my wife and I:
She washes dishes, and I dry.
I sometimes pass her back a dish
To give another cleansing swish.
She sometimes holds up to the light
A glass I haven’t dried just right.
But mostly there is no complaint,
Or it is courteous and faint,
For I would never care to see
The washing job consigned to me,
And though the things I dry still drip,
She keeps me for companionship.
From Odgen Nash:
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it.
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
From Jane Eyre: “To be together is for us to be at once as free as solitude, as gay as in company. We talk, I believe, all day long: to talk to each other is but a more animated and an audible thinking.”
“A happy marriage has in it all the pleasures of friendship, all the enjoyments of sense and reason, and, indeed, all the sweets of life.” –Joseph Addison.
“Marriage with a good woman is a harbour in the tempest of life; with a bad woman, it is a tempest in the harbour.” — J.P. Senn
From A Tale of Two Cities by Dickens: “”You anticipate what I would say, though you cannot know how earnestly I say it, how earnestly I feel it, without knowing my secret heart, and the hopes and fears and anxieties with which it has long been laden. Dear Doctor Manette, I love your daughter fondly, dearly, disinterestedly, devotedly. If ever there were love in the world, I love her. . . .”
How silently, how silently The wondrous gift is given! So God imparts to human hearts The blessings of His heaven. No ear may hear His coming, But in this world of sin, Where meek souls will receive him still, The dear Christ enters in.
O holy Child of Bethlehem Descend to us, we pray Cast out our sin and enter in Be born to us today We hear the Christmas angels The great glad tidings tell O come to us, abide with us Our Lord Emmanuel.
~ Phillips Brooks, “O Little Town of Bethlehem”
I wish for your and your families a wonderful Christmas remembering and centering on the greatest Gift of all.
For the wages of sin is death;
but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Romans 6:23
I like to read something devotional about Christmas during December, with the Scripture passages regarding Advent themselves and/or a devotional book. I’ve enjoyed Come, Thou Long Expected Jesus, compiled by Nancy Guthrie, a number of times and thought about picking it up again this year, but I kind of wanted something new and different. Then my friend Kim mentioned she was enjoying Liz Curtis Higgs’ book The Women of Christmas: Experience the Season Afresh with Elizabeth, Mary, and Anna. I have read several of Liz’s novels, but never one of her non-fiction books, so on Kim’s recommendation I decided to give this one a try.
It was just what I wanted this year. The book takes us thoughtfully through the Christmas passages of Scripture, focusing mainly, as the title indicates, on three women: Elizabeth is older, beyond the usual childbearing years, but finds herself miraculously expecting the forerunner of Christ. Mary is a young teenager, a virgin, yet she is told she will bear the Son of God. Anna is elderly yet still serves God with all her heart and life. Though Zacharias, Joseph, and Simeon are discussed as well, the main focus of the book is on how God worked in the lives of these women.
It’s obvious that Liz has put a wealth of study behind this book, but it’s not what I would call a technical book. She touches on some of the controversies and questions of the Christmas story but wisely doesn’t spend a lot of time speculating on that for which we have no answers. She brings and out meditates on the truth we can find from what God has told us in His Word and provides an opportunity to get a fresh viewpoint from passages so familiar that we can sometimes zip through them without stopping to think about the real implications for the real people in these real stories.
For instance, I never thought to wonder before why Mary went to see Elizabeth right after learning that she was going to bear Jesus. We can’t tell from the text how well they knew each other or whether they were close, though they are cousins. Elizabeth was quite a distance away from Mary. Yet when the angel, in his announcement to Mary, told her that her barren older cousin was pregnant, that must have been an encouragement to her that the God who did this impossible thing for Elizabeth could and would do the impossible thing the angel foretold for her as well. But it also provided her with someone who would understand something of what she was going through. There is no record that Mary told anyone about the angel’s announcement. We assume she told Joseph, though we don’t really know. But Elizabeth was the one person who would believe her about an angelic visit and a miraculous pregnancy.
A few quotes that stood out to me:
“Now consider this: the first person to hold the newborn Christ was Mary of Nazareth, and the first person to touch the newly risen Christ, however briefly, was Mary of Magdala. God placed himself in a woman’s care when he came to earth, then entrusted a woman to announce his resurrection when he came back to life.
“When I hear women rail that the Bible is misogynistic, I wonder if we’re reading the same book. God loves women, redeems women, empowers women – then and now. On the day we call Christmas, he could simply have arrived on earth, yet he chose to enter through a virgin’s womb. On the day we call Easter, he could have appeared first to his beloved disciple John, yet he chose as his first witness a woman set free from seven demons” (p. 122)
(On Mary’s bearing a child in a stable), “Given the circumstances, it’s surprising what we don’t find in the passage. She whined. She complained. She demanded better accommodations. Not our Mary. Even after giving birth to the Savior of the world, she didn’t insist on special treatment, didn’t fuss about there being ‘no space for them in the living-quarters'” (p. 124).
“On that day in Bethlehem, absolute abasement was bathed in breathtaking glory. Born the lowest of the low, the infant Jesus was the highest of the high” (p. 125).
(On the announcement by the angels to the shepherds), “We’ve seen countless Christmas cards and tabletop Natvity scenes with Jesus as a ‘newborn baby’ (CEB) dressed in ‘swaddling-clothes’ (KNOX) and ‘lying in a feeding trough’ (ERV). But we’ve had a lifetime to embrace that reality. Think of these men hearing it for the first time” (p. 130).
(After the shepherds told everyone about the baby on their way back to their sheep), “What about Mary? Did she run around Bethlehem, telling everyone about God’s Son? She did not. ‘But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.’ Luke 2:19. Mary focused on caring for her baby while she stored all she’d seen and done ‘like a secret treasure in her heart’ (NIrV). Some women like to talk their way through experiences; others prefer the Mary approach: ‘weighing and pondering’ (AMP), ‘mulling them over’ (CJB), and ‘trying to understand them’ (ERV)” (p. 136).
Note in the last quote that she didn’t say this was a better approach: just that it contrasted with the reaction of the shepherds and then later Anna. That was a blessing to me in this year of having read and heard a lot about introverts and extroverts: neither is better, God made both, and He works in and through both in different ways for His glory.
I’m so glad I read this book this year. It provided me with many quiet, meditative moments during the mornings of this Christmas season. I’m sure I’ll be using it again in years to come.
When Mother Was Eleven-Foot-Four by Jerry Camery-Hoggatt caught my eye when it was free for the Kindle app at the time. I didn’t realize it was a children’s book, but as I think C. S. Lewis said, the best children’s books are enjoyable to adults as well, and this one definitely is.
This is the story of the Christmas of 1963 for the author’s family. His mother was a tiny woman, only four-foot-eleven and about 100 lbs., but when she drew herself up to her full height, she seemed eleven-foot-four. One full-height moment was when she stared down a black-clad, tattooed biker who was making threats against her: “He blinked first.”
Mother loved everything about Christmas: the multitudes of ornaments, with a story behind every one, the symbols and meanings of everything they did for the season. She was romantic and extravagant, because she believed God was. Father was a realist because he believed God was. Father was a man of principle, inflexible because, after all, how can a man of principle compromise his principles? And some of his strongest principles revolved around Christmas: he felt it was too commercial and that Santa’s list-keeping of good boys and girls gave the wrong idea that gifts were earned. So every year they clashed over Christmas, ending with Father compromising for Mother…
…Until one Christmas, when everything changed. Poverty and grief hung heavily over the family, and it looked like there would be no Christmas celebrating. That’s when Mother’s boys learned what Christmas giving really meant, and learned that both parents were right.
I can’t tell you much more than that, because it’s a very short book, but it’s very sweet and not at all sappy like some of the made-for-TV Christmas movies. I especially loved the author’s last couple of pages of reflections.
I just discovered the hardback version, which is apparently out of print, but the glimpse of its illustrations made me seek out a used copy. I think this book is going to become a yearly tradition.
(Updated to add: there was one aspect of the story that bothered me that I couldn’t really put into words until a day or so after posting the review. Though traditions are important, I did have trouble with Mother in the story fighting with Father over them and then going beyond what he compromised to say she could do. It sounded like, with their two strong personalities and different views, this was a regular thing, not just at Christmas, which is probably what led to the father leaving (which is what caused the grief mention that one Christmas). The mother did say later that she wished she had done better by him, so maybe she realized that as well (though of course the fault for the marriage break-up wasn’t entirely hers). As this is a story from a child’s point of view about learning to give at Christmas, the author doesn’t go into analyzing all of that: he appropriately just mentions what is necessary to this particular story.)
(This will also be linked to Semicolon‘s Saturday Review of Books.)
Blue homespun and the bend of my breast
keep warm this small hot naked star
fallen to my arms. (Rest…
you who have had so far to come.)
Now nearness satisfies
the body of God sweetly. Quiet he lies
whose vigor hurled a universe. He sleeps
whose eyelids have not closed before.
His breath (so slight it seems
no breath at all) once ruffled the dark deeps
to sprout a world. Charmed by dove’s voices,
the whisper of straw, he dreams,
hearing no music from his other spheres.
Breath, mouth, ears, eyes
he is curtailed who overflowed all skies,
all years. Older than eternity, now he
is new. Now native to earth as I am, nailed
to my poor planet, caught
that I might be free, blind in my womb
to know my darkness ended,
brought to this birth for me to be new-born,
and for him to see me mended
I must see him torn.
Stray Thoughts 