We depend on our husbands for a lot of things: his work to provide for the family, his leadership, his companionship. He listens, encourages, supports. In many households, the husband takes care of car and home repairs. In some, he does the landscaping and lawn-mowing. And sometimes he helps with groceries, errand-running, laundry, housework, and even our projects.
It’s easy to depend on a husband’s help in myriad ways. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Ephesians 5:25 instructs husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church, and Jesus certainly helps us.
But sometimes I’m reminded of Genesis 2:18, where God said He made woman a helper fit for or suitable for the man. And I wonder, am I being a help to my husband? And how do I do that?
I’m not much help with working on car or house repairs, except maybe for holding a flashlight or handing a tool. We prioritized my being home, first with the children, then to care for his mother, for most of our marriage, so my financial contribution was more on managing what we had well. Plus, I didn’t have the skill set to provide for us as he did.
I think a wife’s help to her husband will vary from marriage to marriage. 1 Peter 3:7 says husbands are to dwell with their wives “according to knowledge” or “in an understanding way,” depending on the translation. That’s also true of wives in regard to their husbands. We need to understand our own husbands and what he would consider helpful. I knew one woman who had been told that a good wife keeps a spotless home. But then she learned that her husband didn’t really care if the home was super-clean. He’d rather she spent more time with him than cleaning.
However, there are some ways we can each be a suitable helper.
Love him. Once a Sunday School teacher of a women’s class I was in came to Titus 2:3-4, which tells older women to teach the younger a number of things, including loving their husbands. The teacher said, “I think that just comes naturally, don’t you?” Then she went on to the next verse. If it came naturally, I don’t think we’d need to be taught it. The love that starts marriage is usually not the kind of love that sustains it. One of my teachers defined biblical love as the “self-sacrificial desire to meet the needs of the cherished person.” Our innate selfishness is going to come out, as is his, and we have to work at putting each other first.
Love God. Though we depend on our husband to provide for us, protect us, keep us from loneliness, and so many other things, we come to the place where we realize he can’t be everything to us. God works through our husbands to do those things, yet our ultimate dependence needs to be on God, not our husbands. And we need to lean on the Lord for strength and grace and wisdom to do our part.
Pray for him. Beyond asking God to bless his day, we can pray for wisdom for him at work and home, for God to help him grow and mature in Him. I often like to pray Colossians 1:9-12, as well as other Scriptures, for my loved ones.
Fellowship. The verse about woman being made a helper is in the context of creation. God had made the animals, then man. Adam named all the animals, but found no one like himself. God said it wasn’t good for man to be alone. He made woman as a helper. So it seems one of the first and best ways to help our husbands is to be with them, to listen to them. It’s easy, with so much to do in life, to just pass each other on the way to other tasks and appointments. We need to prioritize time together.
Providing a safe place. We should be the main ones our husbands can share with or vent to without worrying about being put down or having what he told us in confidence shared with others.
Respect. Yes, respect goes both ways. But Ephesians 5:33 tells wives specifically to respect their husbands.
In one book I read some years ago, a poll among Christian men showed that the majority of them valued respect even more than love (1). We should never ridicule, demean, put down, or scold our husbands. If there’s something we’d like him to do differently, we need to express that in a tone like we’d use with a friend or boss or anyone else we respected.
But what if he’s not acting in a way we can respect? It helps me to turn this question around. The same verse that talks about wives respecting husbands says a husband should love his wife as himself. Do we want our husbands to love us only when we deserve it, when we act lovable? No! We want him to show love even when–maybe especially when–we’re not acting so lovable. He loves us not because of how we act, but out of obedience to God. So we should respect him out of obedience to God. Even if we can’t respect everything he does, we can show respect to him as a person and in his position as our husband.
Manage expectations. Our husbands are not going to be perfect. They’re not always going to be spiritual giants. Elisabeth Elliot wrote that we marry a sinner, because there is no one else to marry. She also said that, instead of harping on the 20% or so that we might disagree with, we need to appreciate the 80% we like.
Colossians 3:12-13 was written to the church to practice in everyday life, which surely includes the home: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”
In addition, we need to be realistic about what he does do. Often I hear wives wish their husbands would do more. In our home, my husband worked 40+ hours a week, did the yard work and taxes, paid the bills, took care of home repairs, and did everything involving the vehicles. Should I then expect him to help me with everything I do as well? He was always willing, if he was able, and I did call on him a lot. But I tried to be conscience of what he was already doing and not overload him.
Submit to him. Yes, Ephesians 5:21 says we’re to submit to one another. But verse 22, as well as Colossians 3:18, 1 Peter 3:1, Titus 2:4-5, tells wives to submit to their husbands. This doesn’t mean he lords it over her or that she’s a doormat with no opinions of her own. But if we’re constantly pulling against him or his leadership, we’re hurting more than helping.
Be content. It’s not wrong to want to make improvements or to dream of a bigger home or new furniture or nicer clothes. But those things usually have to be managed over time. We need to wait patiently and not constantly complain.
Respect his work. Hollywood has made several movies about workaholic dads who need to learn that their families are more important than the corporate world. But often those stories are unrealistic. I wonder if men who work at home feel even more pressure to put away work to help at home or go to family activities. Providing for his family is the responsibility of a husband and father (that’s not to say wives can’t work, but usually the bulk falls on the husband).
I had to learn this the hard way when my husband’s job started requiring him to travel. I often wailed to the Lord that this wasn’t what I signed up for. But then it seemed my husband had even more road trips. Even when he wasn’t traveling, he usually worked way over forty hours a week. He wasn’t a workaholic, but he had a strong work ethic and felt the responsibility of making sure the job was done rather than clocking out just because it was 5 p.m.
Inspiration came for me in the form of a novel, A Quiet Strength by Janette Oke, about a young woman’s struggles during the first few years of marriage .Though I had been married for years and the main character was a newlywed, her struggles with being left alone so much while her husband worked on the farm and built their home resonated with me. He saw what he was doing as an expression of love and care for her. But all she could see was her loneliness. In novel style, they had a big blowup, then talked things out, then found small ways to connect to offset the time apart. My husband and I didn’t have a blowup, but I needed to seek contentment, maturity, and God’s strength. This all led to a post titled Coping When Your Husband Is Away, which turned out to be one of my most viewed posts. I had no idea so many women had the same struggle.
Encourage his friendships with other men. Though we’re probably our husbands’ main social outlet, we can’t be the only one. The Bible has much to say about our fellowship with other believers. My husband has always encouraged my friendship with other women, but he has sometimes been reluctant to get together with other men outside of work and church since his job took him away from home so much. But he did enjoy work days and men’s prayer breakfasts. Now that he’s retired, he sometimes gets together for coffee or lunch with other men.
Give him some time to himself. It’s not usually wise to hit him at the door with bad news (unless it’s an emergency) or a litany of all the problems that came up that day. Give him some time to decompress or work on his hobbies. This varies from person to person, but an introvert will be much better with others when he has some time alone.
Be trustworthy. Proverbs 31:1-12 says of the excellent wife, “The heart of her husband trusts in her. . . She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Of course we shouldn’t lie or hide things from our husbands. But sometimes we’re tempted to shade the truth if we feel he’s going to disapprove or be disappointed in something we did. It’s better to be open and honest, even if we need to confess something or apologize.
Ask for what you need, don’t nag. When we need some of the help mentioned in the first paragraph or some time alone, we can ask for it in a kind, cooperative, and patient way. We don’t need to demand or needle or fuss. If there’s a conflict, we can graciously seek to work it out.
Ask him. Books and articles about marriage can be helpful, but no two are alike. We each bring different personalities, gifts, and traditions to the relationship. We each adapt to our own spouse. There may be ways we think we’re helping that aren’t so helpful. Or there may be a way to help that we haven’t thought of.
Does this sound exhausting? God will give strength in our weakness and grace to help in time of need.
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(1) For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn. I read this years ago and don’t remember if I agreed with everything in it. But this point stood out to me.
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Stray Thoughts 