Category Archives: Parenting

Book Review: Raising Real Men

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I first became aware of this book through the M.O.B (Mothers of Boys) Society web site.* I enjoy Hal and Melanie’s occasional columns there, usually full of wisdom and practical insight, as they are raising six boys themselves.

The premise of Raising Real Men: Surviving, Teaching, and Appreciating Boys by Hal and Melanie Young is that what society and moms find negative about boys is part of what defines them as men and should be trained rather than squelched. For instance, a natural bent toward leadership in a pint-sized immature young boy with a sin nature will look bossy and controlling. Risk-taking in a young guy will look like recklessness. The goal is to develop those qualities in a right way rather than just squashing them. And moms in particular, who prefer peaceful, docile children, need to understand that boys act, think, and respond differently. That doesn’t mean we let them run rampant: too often destructive behavior is excused  with a “That’s just the way boys are” attitude. But we pray for them, teach them, train them, lead them to the Lord, and help them, with God’s help, to become mature young men.

The Youngs discuss various aspects of this training, from acceptable risk-taking, competition, heroes, dealing with violence, purity, money matters, work ethics and experience, differences in learning, chivalry, gender roles, household duties, preparing for marriage and careers, and transitions as boys mature.

Here are a few quotes from the book that stood out to me:

God has placed in our boys a desire to be in charge, because one day they will be in charge. Today’s boys will be the fathers, and bosses, and elders, and statesmen of tomorrow. We’ve got to teach them how to submit to authority without destroying their leadership (p. 24).

Adults sometimes equate a desire for adventure with immaturity and recklessness. The Bible makes a distinction and so should we. The desire to conquer, to win against the odds, to do great things — these can be admirable ambitions. The willingness to pit one’s nerve against an unsettling foe is frequently called for in Scripture…On the other hand, overconfidence and rashness is soundly criticized (p. 48).

Our boys should be active and adventurous, but careful of themselves at the ultimate extreme, understanding that life is a gift and their bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit. To risk life meaninglessly is foolishness; note that God’s gifts of boldness and courage are not for self-fulfillment or entertainment but for greater service to Him (p. 53).

Every family has some way they can teach their sons to be faithfully independent in a step-by-step way….It doesn’t seem fair to keep sons under constant instruction and supervision, with no chance to stand on their own, then give them complete responsibility and freedom when they come of age…Think of it like teaching a baby to walk — first you hold their hands, then you stand just a bit away, then farther away. If they stumble, you can catch them — to a point (p. 63).

When God asked Adam and Eve [questions], He wasn’t looking for information; He was forcing them to confront their fall from innocence (pp. 89-90).

This is the difficultly with “time-out” punishments that focus on exclusion from the fellowship of the family. Exclusionary punishments send the child away from the love and wisdom of his parents to brood in a corner, feeling angry and sorry for themselves in the lack of discipline and teaching. The fear of abandonment and rejection is deep in a small child. How much better to correct the sin and heal the broken fellowship quickly! (p. 91).

It was especially gratifying to read someone else saying that about “time-outs.” I had always felt that they weren’t the best way to discipline. There were some times we sent a child to his room to wait while we got our emotions under control (and gave them time to do the same) or prayed or thought about what to do. If they were sometimes in a bad mood that wouldn’t be rectified (boys have their “moods” as well as girls), we’d say something like, “If you want to be in a bad mood, that’s up to you, but you’re not going to inflict it on the rest of the family. You can go to your room til you’re feeling more sociable.” Usually it didn’t take long for a change in attitude to come. But where definite disciple is needed, it’s so much better to deal with it effectively and get it over with.

To me the heart and summation of the book came at the end:

Our boys need to be comfortable in their own skins. Not all men are athletes just like not all are intellectuals. Manliness is much more than brute force, it’s a heart attitude of confidence and boldness to accomplish the mission given by God (p. 243).

There were maybe a couple of minor things I disagreed with: one equated shyness with selfishness. I believe shyness is a personalty characteristic and not intrinsically selfish, but it can manifest itself in selfishness. Being an intensely shy person myself, the realization that my responses could hurt or offend people or curb ministry to them helped me a great deal in opening up and reaching out when I’d naturally feel more comfortable pulling back and remaining quiet.

The book almost assumes its readers are home-schoolers, but that is probably because the Youngs home school and are writing from their experience, and much of the book came from talks given to home school associations and such. But one does not have to home school to benefit from the book.

When I was growing up, fathers were quite authoritarian: nowadays the pendulum has swung to the other extreme and fathers are portrayed on TV as bumbling fools and “manhood” is looked down upon. As a mom of three grown boys, I am glad to recommend this balanced treatment on the topic with its encouragement to raise real, godly men to authentic Biblical manhood.

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*Disclaimer: While I recommend the M.O.B. Society web site, I do not agree with every little thing every writer there says nor with every ad there.

(This review will also be linked to Semicolon‘s Saturday Review of Books.)

Book Review: Created For Work

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After enjoying Boyhood and Beyond: Practical Wisdom for Becoming a Man by Bob Schultz with my youngest son, we tried another of his books, Created for Work: Practical Insights for Young Men. The title attracted me because I think developing a strong work ethic in young people is becoming a lost art and because people generally have a negative view of work. It was a revelation to me years ago to realize that God created and ordained work before the fall of man into sin: it’s not part of the Curse, though it is harder because of the Curse.

I don’t recall that Schultz brought out that aspect of work, but he brought out many others, using his own work and experience as an independent contractor as a backdrop for many of his insights. He discusses things you’d expect concerning work, like diligence, initiative, working within the rules, finishing well, etc. But he brought out other things I would not have thought of: looking at things from a boss’s perspective, dealing with a loss of confidence, irritations between coworkers, admitting when you’re wrong and learning from it, the dangers of diligence (becoming self-satisfied and indulgent after success), and even the way the Lord brings you into contact with other people through your work to whom you can minister. Another valuable insight was that of balancing initiative: his example was a young man who saw a neighbor’s fallen tree and decided to cut it up into firewood for them, only to discover afterward they had planned to take it to the mill to be turned into lumber.

There were just a couple of places where I disagreed with the author a bit. In one chapter titled “Great Grandpa Cornelius,” Schultz is encouraging boys to be diligent workers even before they’re of age to work at an outside job, and I agree with that. But he makes the statement, “If someone provides your food, shelter, and education, you’re a liability” (p. 42). I wouldn’t say that to a boy in the home. He goes on to say that you had no choice as a baby to have others work for you, but as soon as you can you want to work to become an asset. And I agree with that as well. From the time our boys were little, though they had jobs in the home and allowances that were loosely tied to each other, the main reason for their jobs wasn’t to earn an allowance or even to “help” their parents, but to pull together as a family and contribute to the family and to get in the habit or working. So I agree with all of that in principle, I agree with teaching boys (and girls) to work for a variety of reasons, but I still wouldn’t call being provided for as a boy at home being a liability. When he gets to be 30 or so, well, that’s different. 🙂

In another chapter titled “My Instructor,” he describes a time when his boss wanted him to install trim with costly wood in a beauitful, expensive home. He was worried because he hadn’t had much experience with the particular type of work his boss wanted him to do, worried enough to lose sleep the night before the job. He felt God was telling him that since He created the world and told Solomon how to build the temple and Noah how to build the ark, He could tell him how to do this job. And He did, through a painter who came through and gave him an off-the-cuff tip. I can’t argue with his experience, and I’ve had the experience as well of being stuck in the middle of some task, praying for wisdom, and feeling that God gave me the idea of what to do about it. But I wouldn’t want someone to take this particular experience as a substitute for owning up that you don’t know how to do a particular job or seeking out instruction on how to do it beforehand.

And finally, in a chapter on unemployment compensation he writes that he feels that such is government aid and that instead of filing for unemployment, he should find other work he can do as unto the Lord and for His kingdom, such as yard work for a widowed neighbor, etc. My husband and I feel that unemployment compensation is a form of insurance rather than a “handout” and is a legitimate and responsible way to care for one’s family between jobs. I do agree with the other principles in the chapter, however, that ultimately we work for God, not for money, though He usually provides through a job, and that there are many useful things one can do during a jobless time, like work for others and get ones’ tools ready and prepared for the next opportunity.

The space and time to explain those few caveats makes it looks I disagree with more than I agree with, and that’s not the case: I think this is a valuable resource for boys and young men. If I’d had this when my boys were younger, I think I would have gone over it with them then as well as again as older teenagers about to leave home.

(This review will also be linked to Semicolon‘s Saturday Review of Books.)

A Real Home

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I just rediscovered this in my files and thought I’d share it with you. I don’t remember where I first saw it: it says it came from the Yankee Kitchen Cookbook, 1969.

A Real Home

A Real Home is a gymnasium. The ideal of a healthy body is the first one to give a child.

A Real Home is a lighthouse. A lighthouse reveals the breakers ahead and shows a clear way past them.

A Real Home is a playground. Beware of the house where you “dassen’t frolic”–there mischief is brewing for someone.

A Real Home is a workshop. Pity the boy without a kit of tools or the girl without a sewing basket. They haven’t learned the fun of doing things, and there is no fun like it.

A Real Home is a forum. Honest, open discussion of life’s great problems belongs originally in the family circle.

A Real Home is a Secret Society. Loyalty to one’s family should mean keeping silent on family matters–just this and nothing more.

A Real Home is a Health Resort. Mothers are the natural physicians.

A Real Home is a cooperative league. Households flourish where the interest of each is made the interest of all.

A Real Home is a business concern. Order is a housewife’s hobby. But order without system is a harness without a horse.

A Real Home is a haven of refuge. The world does this for us all: it makes us hunger for a loving sympathy and a calming, soothing touch.

A Real Home is a Temple of Worship.

~Author unknown.

(Graphic courtesy of Graphic Garden)

What do adults “owe” parents?

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Recently we watched “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?” The major issue in the film is interracial marriage, but that’s not what I want to discuss today (Roger Ebert has a great review of the film here.

Something that stood out to me was the speech Sidney Poitier’s character made to his father. His father is opposed to his son’s marrying a white woman, and when Poitier’s character tells his father to “shut up and let me think,” his father indignantly begins to list what he and his wife sacrificed for their son and what he owes them.

If I transcribed it correctly, the part that especially caught my ear and provided food for thought for several days was this:

I owe you nothing…You did what you were supposed to do because you brought me into this world, and from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me, just like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don’t own me. You can’t tell me when or where I am out of line or try to get me to live my life according to your rules….Not until your whole generation has lain down and died will the dead weight of you be off our backs…You’ve got to get off my back.

Admittedly, both characters were having pressured-filled days, and the son later softened his tone and professed his love for his father.

I don’t want to critique this from a Christian viewpoint because I know it wasn’t written that way, and there was fault of both sides in that scene, but for now I want to take this concept of what adult children “owe” their parents out of the context of the film and just ponder it.

Truly parents shouldn’t do what they do for children for “payback,” and neither should they hold it over their offsprings’ heads as a manipulation to do things their way out of guilt, though there may be times a little adjustment in the kids’ perspective is in order. There comes a time a man has to “leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife” (Genesis 2:24; Mark 10:7; Ephesians 5:31), to step out on his own as an adult, and come to his own convictions and rules.

But there are things we do owe parents even after we’re out of the home and out from under their direct authority.

Honor

The fifth of the ten commandments was not given only to children: “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.” We usually apply it to children, but children aren’t specified in that passage. Even when we’re out from under a parent’s direct authority, we’re still to honor them. Even if they’re not everything they ought to be (who among us is?), we’re still to honor them.

Respect

This is perhaps a part of honor. Leviticus 19:32 says, “Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD,” and Proverbs 16:31 says, “The hoary head is a crown of glory, if it be found in the way of righteousness.” Proverbs 23:22 says, “Hearken unto thy father that begat thee, and despise not thy mother when she is old.” I wrote some thoughts about this a while back here. Society today does not  value the elderly much, but in God’s economy we’re to greatly respect them. But the tenor of Scripture indicates respect of parents even before they get to be “elderly” — you can’t read far through Proverbs especially without picking up on that attitude.

A Hearing

The book of Proverbs is a father’s instruction to his son, except for the last chapter which is a mother’s instruction. I don’t know that all of that instruction is aimed at a minor child. Other places in the Bible, as well, urge us to listen to advice, instruction, and even rebuke from those who are wiser and more mature than we are, and parents should surely be among the first we’d listen to, because they know us best and are the most interested, usually, in our well-being and outcome. Again, not every parent’s every piece of advice is going to be on target, but it shouldn’t be dismissed out of hand: it should at least be given a fair hearing and then evaluated in light of God’s Word and prayer.

Appreciation

Honestly, I can’t think of a Bible verse for this one, but if gratitude and appreciation for what others have done are good character traits, they should certainly be applied to parents. I’ve written before about how children don’t fully understand what’s been done for them until they’re older, usually when they have children of their own. Even now that I am in my 50s and my mother has passed away, there are new realizations sometimes of things she went through, and I can’t tell her now that I understand and appreciate it, but I hope she knows.

Care

In I Timothy 5:1-15, Paul instructs the younger pastor Timothy in how the church should care for the widows in its number, and he says in verse 4, “But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God.” Jesus called out the Pharisees and scribes for allowing people to give to them what should have gone to care of parents.

Then of course, there are the Biblical “one anothers” that should govern Christians’ interaction with each other. Sometimes, sadly, we neglect those most with those closest to us.

Parents are fallible people. They’re not always on target; sometimes they might be a little out of touch. Sometimes they’re out and out wrong — I came from a non-Christian home and have written before about having to learn to respect my parents out of obedience to God even when they were doing things I couldn’t respect. On the other hand, sometimes teen or adult kids think a parent is a little too free with unsolicited advice when that advice is something they really need to hear. Parents shouldn’t nag and manipulate; kids shouldn’t ignore and disrespect. Sometimes parents do have to pull back and let their children make and learn from their own mistakes, but sometimes a parent’s advice will save a son or daughter from a serious problems and heartache. It’s a delicate balance. But if those involved are seeking the Lord’s best, He will help them find that balance and best way of interacting, and even if only one side is actively seeking to honor Him in their dealings, He will aid them.

Moms of Boys Blog Hop

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Mothers of BoysThe M.O.B. Society (Mothers of Boys) is having a blog hop in order to get to know each other better.

Welcome! My name is Barbara H. and I am in my early 50s. My husband Jim and I have been married for 31 years. My boys are almost 27, 24, and almost 18 (we’re in the middle of “birthday season” when the odometer rolls over for several in our family). I have one beautiful daughter-in-law, married to my middle son. Only my youngest lives at home and he is just starting his senior year of high school, so I am treasuring his last full year at home and helping him pray about college and majors and such. My mother-in-law lives in a nearby assisted living facility but we bring her over often and go visit her almost daily.

This is our last Christmas photo:

After spending most of our married lives in SC, the Lord moved us to TN almost a year ago. It’s been a year of changes and adjustments, but then, that’s life, isn’t it?

My blog is a hodgepodge. I love to write about books I have read, my family, thoughts from the Bible, encouragement to younger women, and anything else that captures my attention. I love to love as well and I think I have a fair share of humor sprinkled throughout my blog.

Some of my posts that might be of particular interest to younger moms are:

Encouragement for mothers of young children.
Motherhood advice.
Encouragement for homemakers.
A Quiet Spirit.
A mother’s nightly ritual– an original poem.
I Corinthians 13 for mothers.
Parenting teens.
Missing something? No, I don’t think so after all.
The ideal house.

The M.O.B. Society hosts asks us about favorite books of our boys. When they were little they loved Curious George, The Little Engine That Could, Golden Books, The Bible in Pictures for Little Eyes, Mike Mulligan, Keep the Lights Burning, Abbey, Jesse Bear books by Nancy White Carlstrom, books by Robert McCloskey, P. D. Eastman. My oldest, as he got into his pre-teens, liked Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, Encyclopedia Brown, Roald Dahl books, and developed a liking for science fiction.

I hope you enjoy your visit here, and I am looking forward to “meeting” you!

The Week In Words and a Giveaway Winner

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Welcome to The Week In Words, where we share quotes from the last week’s reading. If something you read this past week  inspired you, caused you to laugh, cry, think, dream, or just resonated with you in some way, please share it with us, attributing it to its source, which can be a book, newspaper, blog, Facebook — anything that you read. More information is here.

Here are a few that spoke to me this past week:

Seen at Semicolon:

“When the storytelling goes bad in society, the result is decadence..” ~ Aristotle

That seems a very true development in our society.

From a friend’s Facebook:

“Your children need a relationship with Christ more than they need comforts, sports, education or popularity. You are their primary source for knowing Him.” ~ J Kenney

From the May 30 reading of The Invitation by Derick Bingham concerning John 12:28:

Christ was willing t0 suffer whatever was necessary if only the glory of God would be promoted. If people were to think better of His Father through what they saw in Him, that was what really mattered.

The second sentence struck me as the essence of what it means to glorify God.

From Mine Is the Night by Liz Curtis Higgs, p. 33:

However grim Reverend Brown’s countenance, however dour his sermons, this was where she would spend each Sabbath, finding a secret joy in the holy words themselves.

This was both an encouragement and  rebuke to me. I’ve admitted to getting frustrated and discouraged with particular types of preaching that are the speaker’s “take” or thoughts about the text rather than a drawing out and a giving the sense of the text itself, or preaching that is a ranting and raving style. But if I have “ears to hear,” I can take great joy in the Word of God itself that is being presented.

And finally the winner of the giveaway of Warren Wiersbe’s With the Word and a couple of other little surprises from last week’s WIW is Katrina at Callapidder Days! Thanks so much to all who entered!

If you’ve read anything that particularly spoke to you that you’d like to share, please either list it in the comments below or write a post on your blog and then put the link to that post (not your general blog link) in Mr. Linky below. I do ask that only family-friendly quotes be included. I hope you’ll visit some of the other participants as well and glean some great thoughts to ponder.

Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if you don’t have any quotes to share! 🙂

Missing something? No, I don’t think so after all.

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When we were preparing to move last summer, I unearthed a whole stack of family-oriented magazines from several years back. In more recent years I had marked and torn out what I was interested in (or checked and bookmarked the article online) and then passed it on to a friend, but this stack must have accumulated and then been forgotten before I started doing that.

I brought them with us to look through as I had time and just got to them last week. Many had turned-down corners noting something I wanted to consider doing with my own sons. I started looking at the dates of the magazines: many were from the time my youngest was in his toddler to preschool to early elementary years.

At first I started to kick myself and feel really guilty that I had never done all these neat activities with my children.

But then, I thought, “Now, wait just a minute!” We did do lots of things together:

We sat on the floor and made Lego creations.

We read books. Lots and lots of books. We made regular trips to the library and every library day afternoon was spent in happy reading all the new treasures.

We built tracks and loops for Hot Wheels cars.

We did puzzles.

We colored and painted.

We made various Play-Dough creations.

We had a multitude of Little People sets, thanks to my mom, and played seemingly endless scenarios with them.

We played untold rounds of a game called something like Memory Match (like Concentration from my childhood), Hi Ho Cheerio, Sorry, Candyland, and other games.

We took walks.

We went to the park.

We visited friends.

We played in the sandbox.

We blew bubbles.

We went to the zoo.

Even going to the grocery store was considered fun at certain ages.

We may not have done some of those neat unique activities in the magazines, but we did a lot of fun things and spent a lot of time together. I’ve thought to myself that I hoped that my lack of keeping up with baby books as I would have liked was due to my actually spending time with my kids.

Were those magazines a waste, then? I don’t think so. I did use some ideas over the years, but even the ones I missed using had a positive influence. Just like visiting a craft store or craft show or craft blogs sparks my own creative juices even if I never do the specific crafts I see, I think family magazines and idea books and these days mommy blogs can inspire my own goals with my family. But they need to be kept as an inspiration, a creativity-sparker, a supplement to our own real lives, not a burden, a guilt-producer, a competition against other moms and kids, an addition to an already crowded schedule.

As long as we’re spending both quality time and quantities of time together, nourishing our relationships, learning and growing, we don’t have to worry that we’re not keeping up with whatever everyone else does. Attentive time together is what matters most.

This post will be linked to “Works For Me Wednesday,” where you can find a plethora of helpful hints each week at We Are THAT family on Wednesdays, as well as  Women Living Well.

If they only knew…

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Do you ever ask your kids (or even students or coworkers) to do something and then get a bit of “attitude” back? My kids rarely said, “That’s not fair!” But sometimes (not always) I did sense a bristling of indignation, especially on Saturdays. Some of them seemed to think that Saturdays were made for doing what one wanted all day without any obligations. I tried to get across that days like that are very few and far between, especially the closer you get to being an adult. A day off work (or school, in their cases) didn’t necessarily mean a day just to “play.” The Bible does say, “Six days shalt thou labor” after all, and even though a lot of us have two days off a week, one of those days is usually spent with other kinds of work: running errands, cutting grass, doing house projects, working on the car, etc. The other day for many of us is spent mostly in church, and though there is a rest time in the afternoons and then usually a relaxed evening afterward, the day has obligations all its own. They’re blessed obligations. But obligations still.

We required jobs or “chores” of our children from very early on as we taught them to put toys away and eventually expanded their skills to taking out the trash, dusting, vacuuming, unloading the dishwasher, etc. We gave them an allowance so as to help them learn to handle money, but it was only loosely tied to their jobs. We required their work mainly because that’s part of being a member of a family: everyone pitching in and pulling together to get things done. Even when the older two were in college, though I kept their school and job schedules in mind, I did ask them to take out trash and unload dishwashers when they were home, partly to keep that “pulling together as a family” principle in effect so that as they grew older and started families of their own, they’d be in the habit of contributing to the household even when the rest of life got busy.

Sometimes when I’d parcel out jobs (usually I made a list of what needed to be done and then let them take turns choosing which ones to do), one of them would ask me, “What are you going to do?”

Oh, just go to the grocery store (several times a week!), clean bathrooms (I did offer to let them clean the bathrooms if they’d rather not vacuum floors. They never took me up on it 🙂 ), cook, bake, sweep, mop, do laundry, organize, buy and mend clothes, clean the glass on the front doors, keep on top of everyone’s schedules, taxi kids around, etc. etc.

Sometimes I would just smile and shake my head and think to myself, “They just don’t understand all that’s being done for them — beyond the physical tasks there are financial and emotional expenditures, and besides all that, the love we have for them. If they did, they’d never fuss about being asked to do anything.” Not that we want “payback” as parents, but willing cheerful responses would be nice (and truly, they do respond that way many times). I figured they probably wouldn’t really understand until they were adults, maybe not until they had kids of their own.

Then it hit me just this morning: we do the same thing to God. Sometimes if I sense He wants me to do something, my first thought is, “But….I had my own plans…..I don’t have time….I don’t want to, I’d rather…..”

I had been thinking about worship earlier in the morning and the fact that we don’t worship God as we ought or as often as we should, and then remembered the vice-president of my alma mater preaching one time that we could think of “worship” as “worth-ship” — ascribing to God His worth both by what we say and what we do.

I don’t mean to compare children’s response to their parents as worship. What God has done for us is so much more than what any parent has done for any child, and kids’ attitudes towards parents should include honor but not worship.

But I did see a similar principle. We know some of what God has done for us, and we love and praise Him for it. But in some ways we have no idea of the depths of what Christ went through to secure our salvation nor even of the multitude of everyday ways He blesses and protects us. Even what we do know is plenty enough to motivate us: as the hymn says, “Love so amazing, so divine, Demands my soul, my life, my all.”

So while I took comfort in the fellowship of knowing God understands even this aspect of parenting, the greater lesson was a rebuke to me and a reminder that not only does He have a right to ask anything of me because of who He is, but in light of all He’s done for me, my response should be an obedience motivated and fueled by love.

Coping when husband is away

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The first time my husband was ever away overnight, I was a basket case. I thought I heard something in the leaves outside and frantically called my landlord, who patiently came over and checked the outside of the house for me. If I had to leave home while my husband was away, when I came back I wouldn’t feel comfortable until I checked every room and even every closet to make sure no one was lurking there.

Over the last thirty years, I have had to get used to him being away from home much more than either of us likes. Thankfully that’s not been as much of a problem since our last move.

Other ladies have sometimes commented to me that they could never handle having a husband travel as much as mine did. Believe me, I didn’t like it! And at the beginning of my married life, I would have despaired if I had known just how much my husband would be away. It is only the grace of God that has enabled me. I would like to share some things He has taught me along the way.

Acceptance

I used to pray that my husband would not have to travel as much. More correctly, I used to whimper and wail and and whine and tell the Lord it wasn’t meant to be this way, that husbands and wives were meant to be together. It seemed like the more I prayed, the more my husband ended up having to travel!

Of course, it isn’t wrong to pray that the Lord would change a difficult situation; but until He sees fit to do so, there has to be acceptance of the situation as allowed by Him. If He allows it, He will give grace for it. We may not like the situation, but focusing on that dislike can cause us to be stuck in discontent, resentment, even despondency.

Loneliness

Women marry for love, of course, but I believe the next biggest reason is companionship. Girls dream of finally being able to “be with” the man of their dreams “happily ever after.” It is a difficult adjustment to realize that the job, the children, and multitudes of tasks and commitments leave very little time to just “be with” each other. This is further compounded when a husband’s job requires him to travel.

While husbands and wives do need to be sure they make time for each other, most wives also have to realize at some point that their primary emotional and companionship needs are not to be fulfilled by their husbands. God has to have first place in those areas. No human being will ever be able to meet all of those needs all of the time. God does graciously give us husbands and friends, but our main fellowship and contentment must be from Him.

Once settled on that point, it is necessary for couples to keep in touch. I am thankful that my husband has been able to call me almost every night he has been away: in fact, sometimes we actually talk more when he is away than when he is home! For situations that don’t allow that, though, perhaps e-mailing or frequent notes would help.

A husband’s absence is a good time to focus on others, perhaps visiting an elderly neighbor or calling a girlfriend. Keeping busy, taking up a special project, or having specific goals of things you want to accomplish while he’s away can help pass the time.

Fear

One of the biggest things I have wrestled with when my husband was away was fear, though I don’t check closets when I come home any more (after 30 years of marriage and three children, there is no room in any closet for anyone to lurk anyway!) And once after checking locks and closets before going to bed one night, I woke up the next morning to find I had left my keys in the doorknob! All my efforts amounted to nothing, but God protected me anyway.

Originally the fears had to do with someone breaking in, but then I developed a couple of health problems which have required five emergency room visits between them; so new fears developed about the possibility of something happening to me when my husband was away. The Lord has dealt with me and helped me from His Word many, many times in regard to fear. Though He uses husbands to protect us, ultimately our protection is from Him. One moment that crystallized that truth for me occurred when I was lying in bed and realized that even if my husband was right next to me, I could fall ill or even die, and he would not be able to do anything about it. Now, that may not sound like much comfort! But it helped me realize as never before that my health and safety are of the Lord, not my husband.

Incidentally, God did allow one of those emergency room visits when my husband was away. When I needed to go, I was able to call a friend who was nearby, who also graciously stayed with me til the early hours of the morning when I was released. My oldest son was old enough at the time to watch the other two; my youngest was already asleep, so he was spared being frightened by the situation. My friend’s husband offered to come and stay with the children. Another friend called while I was at the hospital, and, upon learning of the situation, offered to come over or to come and take the kids to school the next day. God took care of every detail.

Children

I think perhaps a mother with young children at home has the hardest time with a husband’s absence. She looks to him not only for a little relief in giving the children care and attention, but also for adult conversation. When he is away, perhaps trading off babysitting time with another friend would help, or little excursions like going to the park or even for a walk with another friend.

A mother also needs to keep things consistent even when Dad is away. Standards and punishments should be the same: nothing should “slide” when Dad isn’t there. “Wait until your father gets home” doesn’t work when Dad won’t be home for three days and Junior is young enough to need immediate dealing with to reinforce the principles you want him to learn. I am about the most indecisive person I know, and so many situations come when my husband isn’t there that I have really wrestled with knowing what to do. When I can, I wait until I can talk with my husband; but God does promise wisdom when we ask Him for it, and He has given it many times.

It can be easy for Mom to spend even less time with the children when Dad is away, either because there is just more to do with one less person in the house to do it, or because she is keeping extra-busy to keep her mind off his absence. Depending on the children’s ages, perhaps Mom can do some fun things with them to help them with their loneliness while Dad is away: play games, read together more, rent a special video. In our case, there is a nearby pizza restaurant that my husband doesn’t care for but my children love, so sometimes we’ll stop there for a meal when Dad’s gone. This relieves another problem: it used to be that, when my husband was gone for several days, I would be ready to get out of the house and go out somewhere when he came back. He, on the other hand, having been away and eating out for days, was ready to stay home and have a home-cooked meal. So now I try to take the children out if Dad is away for an extended time so we get that out of our system before he comes home. There are also some very simple meals that my children love that my husband isn’t crazy about that we have when he is gone.

Danger zones

Every individual has his or her quirks that make for adjustments in marriage. When one spouse is away, sometimes those adjustments have to be made to some degree all over again when he returns.

We have to be careful not to let resentment build up against our loved one. We need to guard against stray thoughts that can lead to a root of bitterness: “He could have gotten out of that trip if he tried.” We may feel that is actually true. Or, “Why doesn’t he find a different job where he doesn’t have to travel so much?” We have to help our children with disappointments when Dad can’t be there for the big game or the recital. Life doesn’t always work out like the family movies where Dad leaves his company in the lurch to get home at a crucial time. We may wish it did. We, or the children, may not understand why Dad could not be there for the special occasion. It is hard, but we have to accept it and not resent it or him. Beyond just trying to “grin and bear it,” perhaps we can think of fun ways to include Dad in special occasions he has to miss: a video recording of the event (possibly even styled as a news report), or an e-mail write-up including a picture.

Though naturally we will be lonely and maybe even tearful when a spouse is away, we have to be careful not to just give ourselves over to grief and pine away the whole time he is gone. On the opposite end of the spectrum, when we realize we’re not to be so emotionally dependent on our husbands, we can tend to pull back a little too far and become almost aloof in an effort to insulate ourselves from loneliness, or we can get so busy that we’re hardly aware he is gone — and then hardly have time for him when he is home. Our Lord can help us find the right balance.

A friend once told me it was easy for her to get a little too independent when her husband was away for a long time. Though we have to make decisions and direct the family when he is away, we need to remember we are still in submission to him and try to make decisions in light of what we think he would want us to do — and not resent a possible reversal of that decision when he comes home. Once when my husband arrived back at home, one of my sons was due to attend an event soon. My son was displaying a bad attitude, and my husband told him he would not be able to attend that event if he didn’t change his attitude. Immediately I began to think, “That’s not fair! You haven’t been here; you don’t know the circumstances; you don’t know how he has been looking forward to that event!” But I had to rebuke myself, because my son was sinning with his attitude, and even though I would have handled the situation differently, my husband was still in charge. Happily, my son changed his attitude and was able to attend his event, and happily, the Lord set a watch before my lips and prevented me from creating an even bigger problem!

Pray for him

Once when my husband was out of town with a colleague, they stopped to eat dinner. Some time during their conversation, the other man noticed two girls and said, “There are two chicks just ripe for the picking.” My husband explained that he wasn’t interested in pursuing women. That incident jolted me to the realization that I needed to pray for his protection from temptation.

Pray also for his witness. People in secular jobs have an opening with folks who would be unlikely to darken the door of a church, and long hours of travel with a colleague can naturally open the door to talk about the Lord.

Of course, it is natural to pray for his safety, but we can also pray for his health (our family has learned from experience that falling sick while traveling is a trial!), for his business, meetings, etc. to go well.

Conclusion

Some years ago my pastor preached through a section of the Psalms that men sang on their way to Jerusalem. There were a few times a year men were called to go to Jerusalem, leaving their families behind, and those particular psalms were sung by the men on the way. My pastor pointed out the faith it took to go away, trusting God to take care of the loved ones back home. My thoughts, as the “loved one at home,” considered the situation from that angle, trusting the Lord to take care of us at home as well as the loved one on the road. That sermon also helped me realize that, in the providence pf God, He sometimes does call a husband to be away: it isn’t just circumstances or the job. That helped me immensely to trust that He had all things under His control, and to trust that Him for the sufficient grace He promises in His Word for all things: “And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work,” (II Cor. 9:8) and “He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” (II Cor. 12:9.10)

This post will be linked to “Works For Me Wednesday,” where you can find a plethora of helpful hints each week at We Are THAT family on Wednesdays, as well as  Women Living Well.

Laudable Linkage and a Few Funnies

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Here are some interesting things I’ve seen in my online reading lately:

The Blind Quilter. Amazing. I can’t even do this with sight!

I seem to have marked several about parenting:

Mystery. Enjoying an uncommon moment of affection from a teen son. “Remember this. Remember this.“

Everyday Is An Adventure about raising a son. “My boy was not disobedient, he was all boy, he was made of different temperament-a different mind, than my girls and I. I had an epiphany that day, and chose to embrace the adventure instead of struggle against it.” “Boy work is messy and smelly, but a freshly scrubbed boy in clean p.j.s is a gift from above.”

Moms and Teens. Good advice from a mom who has raised four.

First time obedience, really? I haven’t read any of Sally Clarkson’s books and have only recently heard of her, so I don’t know what her general philosophy of raising children is, but I like what I read here. Sometimes well-meaning parents, in a quest to train children to obey, run roughshod over the very hearts they’re supposed to be training.

I edited my review of One Thousand Gifts to add this, but in case you didn’t see it, in the second comment here Ann discusses her use of language that some feel is too explicit for intimacy with God, saying she wanted to reclaim it for the Kingdom and use it apart from cultural connotations and pointing out that even Spurgeon and Edwards used similar language. I do understand where she is coming from and think she had the purest motives, but I still think as sexually charged as society is today you have to be careful about what pictures words bring to mind. The cultural  connotations are going to be different from what they were in Edwards’ and Spurgeons’ time. But I do appreciate her explanation.

How To Make a Asymmetrical Stripe Buttons. So cute.

Applique with used dryer sheets.

20 tips for selling on Etsy.

The Sacred Sandwich specializes in satire, which I think you have to be careful with because it can be easily misunderstood at times. But they do have some funny things some times:

Cuteness:

Aw, poor doggy.

Funny!