I was sure a headhunter watched me while I slept.

As a child, I woke up one night to see a rounded shape beside my pillow on the top bunk. I was convinced a headhunter was standing by my bed, looking at me. I’m not sure why—headhunters weren’t known to roam southern Texas in the mid-1960s. Perhaps I had recently read a book or watched a program that included headhunters.

I decided to handle the situation by shutting my eyes tight. Perhaps if he thought I was asleep, he would go away. But if I tried to get past him, I was sure to be no match for him.

Somehow I did go to sleep. When I woke up the next morning in the full light of day, I saw the rounded shape by my head was my teddy bear.

I felt foolish, but relieved.

Since then, I’ve wrestled with many unreasonable fears.

What if:

• No one chooses me for their team?
• I get lost?
• I stand up in front of my speech class and my mind goes blank?
• My husband is late from work and might have had an accident?
• Something might be wrong with my unborn child?
• My husband loses his job?
• One of us gets cancer?
• He dies before I do?

. . . and more. I have an uncanny knack to imagine all the ways in which something could go wrong.

There’s some chance that any of these things could happen. But there’s no sense worrying about what might happen. If what we’re worried about doesn’t occur, we’ve wasted all that time and energy and angst. And if it does come to pass, we’ve doubled our pain by adding worry to it beforehand.

But what if what we fear is a very real possibility?

Almost thirty years ago, I woke up one morning with my left hand feeling funny. Thinking I had just slept on it wrong, I went about my morning routine. But that numbish feeling grew in area and intensity. Within three hours, my whole left arm, both legs, and my lower torso were numb. I couldn’t walk on my own.

The eventual diagnosis was transverse myelitis, an autoimmune response to a virus that attacks the spine. The body attacks the myelin sheath around the nerves of the spine as well as the virus.

I’ve told that story in more detail elsewhere. Thank God, I was able to walk again after a lot of physical therapy and prayer. Most of the feeling came back to my limbs, but my left hand still feels like I have a glove on, and my lower legs don’t have full feeling. My biggest after-effect has been trouble with balance.

Like many illnesses, healing from TM is not a straight, steady upward path. Sometimes the numbness and tingling were worse than others. In addition, sometimes I felt odd sensations in other parts of my body–a buzzing feeling, or involuntary movement, or a feeling like something was touching me when nothing was.

When symptoms escalated, especially that “slept on it wrong” feeling anywhere, I’d panic that I was having another TM attack. TM doesn’t often occur twice, but it can. If it does, the doctors begin to suspect multiple sclerosis rather than TM. The “multiple” in MS means these kinds of attacks could occur throughout life.

I wondered how people who had heart disease lived, knowing they could have another heart attack at any time. Or how people who had recovered from cancer coped, knowing their cancer could return. These issues felt like living with a medical sword of Damocles hanging over people’s heads.

I had to remind myself that, if God allowed another episode of TM, or if I was diagnosed with MS, He would be with me and help me through it just as He did the first time.

A passage I pondered with amazement in my early Christian life was Psalm 46:2-3: “Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling.”

I’ve been in a couple of very minor earthquakes, and even those mild tremors were quite disconcerting. I can hardly fathom something of this magnitude. Mountains falling into the sea? That sounds like good reason to be scared.

But this passage says, even in that scenario, “Therefore we will not fear. . . ” What’s the “therefore” that causes the writer not to fear?

Verse 1: “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

You know what comes later in this psalm?

Verses 10-11: “‘Be still, and know that I am God.’ I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth! The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.”

Whatever our fears, real or imagined, unlikely or plausible, God is with us. He is our refuge, strength, and help. In Isaiah 41:10, He promises: “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

In Running Scared: Fear, Worry, and the God of Rest, Edward T. Welch says:

The sheer number of times He speaks to your fears says that He cares much more than you know…The way He repeats Himself suggests that He understands how intractable fears and anxieties can be. He knows that a simple word will not banish our fears.

Search Scripture and find that our fears are not trivial to God. ‘Do not be afraid’ are not the words of a flesh-and-blood friend, a mere human like yourself. They are not the words of a fellow passenger on a sinking ship, who had no experience in shipwrecks, can’t swim, and has no plan. These words are more like those of a captain who says, ‘Don’t be afraid. I know what to do.’ When the right person speaks these words you might be comforted.

Another verse that comforted me during my TM recovery was Lamentations 3:32-33: “Though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not afflict from his heart or grieve the children of men.” He’s not capricious. Whatever He allows is for a purpose.

Trusting God’s presence and purpose in whatever He allows, trusting His ability to sustain and assist us through any situation, trusting His character and love for us, will all help us deal with any fear, real or imagined.

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