There are times the Bible tells us to overlook offenses.

Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses (Proverbs 10:12).

Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends (Proverbs 17:9).

Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense (Proverbs 19:11).

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).

But other times, we’re told to confront sin.

Whoever rebukes a man will afterward find more favor than he who flatters with his tongue (Proverbs 28:23).

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector (Matthew 18:15-17).

My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins (James 5:19-20).

How do you know when to confront someone and when to overlook what they did?

That’s something I have wrestled with most of my adult life. By nature, I tend to avoid confrontation unless I am in a position of authority, such as with my children or a class.

As I have pondered these questions, it seemed confrontation is clearly called for when someone

• commits a crime
• violates a clear, specific biblical command, like lying or committing adultery
• hurts someone else, like an abuser
• premeditates any of these things.

On the other end of the scale, we should obviously overlook minor irritations like squeezing the toothpaste tube or putting toilet paper roll on the “wrong” way.

But a vast gray area exists between those extremes.

Once I was talking with a friend who was upset with our pastor. He had preached a strong Mother’s Day message about the value of a mother in the home. He never said a mother shouldn’t work outside the home, but my friend felt that’s what he meant. She felt that she had no choice but to work while mothering. She was so troubled that she was already planning to avoid church the next Mother’s Day.

We moved shortly thereafter, but I was concerned about a larger breach forming between my friend and the pastor. I didn’t think she had sinned, but Hebrews 12:15 warns of a “root of bitterness” which would have caused much grief and more hurt. I don’t remember what I said in the moment, but this concern grew to the point that I wrote my friend a letter, trying to bring understanding and smooth things over. Still feeling uncertain over whether I should say anything, I asked God to let the letter get lost in the mail if it wasn’t His will for it to reach her.

Soon I got a note from my friend saying, “I hope you didn’t send me a bunch of money, because I received an envelope from you with nothing in it.”

Furthermore, the next time we talked, she spoke of the pastor in glowing terms. So no breach had formed at all.

Well—God definitely answered my prayer! But I was also a bit shaken. This was obviously not a time God wanted me to intervene. So how could I know when He did, especially when my bent was to avoid doing so?

How do we navigate the gray areas? I still don’t have all the answers, but these principles come to mind.

Pray much. We can cause further problems if we jump in where we shouldn’t. We need God’s wisdom and guidance.

Be swift to hear, slow to speak (James 1:19). Unless someone is in imminent danger, it’s better to act slowly and cautiously. “The one who gives an answer before he listens — this is foolishness and disgrace for him” (Proverbs 18:3).

Speak from a relationship. An expression of concern will go over much better if there is a previous relationship. Someone who knows me and cares about me has more of a right to point out something wrong than an acquaintance.

Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Someone whose blog I have lost track of wrote about a woman in her church who spoke to her rather harshly about dressing immodestly at church. To this younger lady’s credit, she took the woman’s rebuke to heart and agreed with her. But the way it was handled caused unnecessary pain.

Aim for restoration. Most rebuke in Scripture is meant to help turn the person around. We live in such a smack-down culture, we need to remember not to just lob attacks at people. We don’t point out wrong in order to elevate ourselves as “right,” but to help the person see what’s wrong and be motivated to correct it.

Give the benefit of the doubt. For example, if a person seemingly snubbed you at church, consider that maybe they didn’t see you or were preoccupied.

Consider extenuating circumstances. When people are under stress, they say and do things they wouldn’t otherwise. After everything calms down, we might need to discuss how what they said hurt our feelings. But then again, we might write the offense off as uncharacteristic.

If this kind of reaction is a habit, though, I think a discussion is probably necessary. Abusers often follow this pattern of blowing up, then blaming their reaction on the other person.

When you overlook, truly overlook. If we’re not going to speak to someone about their offense, we shouldn’t stew over it.

Don’t be a busybody. A young woman in a former church shared with some of us that an older woman told her that she and her husband shouldn’t wait until he finished school, as they planned, to have children. This same older woman told another young mother that she was having too many children too close together. Though I know this older woman felt she was “helping,” she seems to me to have stepped over the line.

When the young wife told us of this incident and how it hurt her and seemed an unnecessary intrusion, I said, “That sounds like Mrs. X.” It was Mrs. X. Another lady in the group spoke of needing to know how to take Mrs. X. so as not to get feelings hurt. But I have often wondered if someone should have said something to Mrs. X.

Ephesians 4:1-3 says, “I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”

Sometimes love bears with each other in our faults and foibles; sometimes love points out wrong that it may be confessed and forgiven.

What helps you decide when to do which?

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