The Quiet Person in the Small group

Posted on February 11, 2015 by Barbara Harper

A church’s small groups or Bible studies can help people to get to know one another and provide a more interactive approach than the main preaching service. I’ve seen a number of articles and blog posts about how to help one’s small group function at its best, and one item that always comes up is what to do about the quiet person who doesn’t say much.

The usual advice is to call on that person by name during the discussion time with a direct question, such as “Mary, what do you think?” May I say on behalf of quiet people everywhere: please don’t do that. Asking the group members to “turn to their neighbor” to discuss one on one a question from the study isn’t much better.

People may be quiet for any number of reasons. Maybe they’re introverts, shy, lacking in confidence to speak out, or just a quiet personality. All of those things don’t necessarily go together: introverts are not always shy and quiet people aren’t always lacking in confidence. But all of them cringe at being put on the spot, especially in front of others.

Small group leaders should naturally make leading their group a matter of prayer, part of which would be asking for wisdom in how to minister to the various personalities in the group and facilitate the best kinds of interaction.

Some people may not feel comfortable about speaking out in a group. I’m not talking butterflies in the stomach nervousness: I’m talking full-blown anxiety. Calling on them will only increase that fear and make them unlikely to come next time. It helps that person to be friendly and talk with them before or after the group: maybe over time she’ll feel comfortable enough to speak out. If she does share something while talking alone with the group leader, perhaps the leader can say something like, “That’s a great thought, Susan. Would you mind of I shared that with the others during discussion time, or would you like to, perhaps?”

Some may be mulling things over. Introverts in particular take a while to process what they hear and learn. That person honestly may not have an answer for you, or she may still be thinking about something from two questions ago. It might help someone like that to ask at the end of the discussion if anyone has any thoughts on anything discussed that day: that way she can feel comfortable bringing up a thought from earlier without feeling like she’s holding up progress for everyone else. Or, at the beginning of the next session the leader could ask if anyone has any thoughts from last week’s discussion: if someone has been processing the discussion through the week, she’ll be more likely to have something to say about it after some extending time to think about it.

Some might not contribute to the discussion due to fear of saying the wrong thing, especially in a Christian discussion. While we don’t need to let a falsehood pass just to be nice, we can handle it in a gracious way: “I can see how you might come to that conclusion. But consider this aspect…” People are more likely to contribute to the discussion if they feel safe doing so.

Some of my blog friends have mentioned their small groups getting together socially apart from their regular study, perhaps after one study and before beginning another. This is a great way for group members to feel more comfortable with each other and might facilitate more interaction in the regular group meetings. A quiet person is not likely to be the life of the party even in a purely social setting, but she may get to know one or two people a little better, and that’s progress.

Naturally small groups work best if there is a good deal of balanced interaction. Some translate that into thinking their group time has been a “success” only if everyone has participated, i.e., spoken and shared something with the group, every time. But may I suggest that’s putting form above function. It can breed thoughts like, “I have to think of something to say so people don’t think I’m unspiritual,” which adds even more pressure to the quiet person. A person may be benefiting greatly from her time there, yet never say a word, at least during the group discussion. After all, listening is participating.

OK, you might say, she might be getting something, but what is she giving? Maybe nothing to the group that day except her presence. But maybe she takes the truths she has learned and applies them in her own life, or teaches them to her children, or discusses them with a close friend, or expands on them in a blog post.

Sometimes one aspect of wanting to see everyone participate is wanting to see results, and those are not always for us to see: sometimes we just have to trust that God is using His Word in people’s lives even if they don’t tell us about it.

I’m not suggesting that everyone reading this opt for silence during the next Bible study or small group get-together, nor am I suggesting that quiet people should never extend themselves (perhaps a topic for a separate post some time). ~~They~~ We should. But ~~they’ll~~ we’ll be more likely to without the artificial pressure of trying to come up with something to say just because it is expected.

Thoughts on being an introvert

Posted on July 8, 2013 by Barbara Harper

I don’t know if I was taught this somewhere along the way or if it was just a misconception, but as I was growing up I had the idea that an introvert was someone who was indoorsy, not as physically active (and therefore probably a little pudgy), quiet, and didn’t have many friends, whereas an extrovert was more physical, active, outgoing, talkative, and loud.

Evidently I’m not the only one with incorrect ideas of what it means to be an introvert. I was talking with a friend yesterday who said that she has sometimes been accused of being antisocial and once even of being sinful due to her introversion (the latter was said teasingly, but still, that kind of thing stings).

Over the last year I’ve found myself reading a number of books (Quiet; The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain and Introverts in the Church by Adam McHugh, both linked to my thoughts on them) and articles about introverts that helped clarify my own thinking and understanding. But as I was commiserating with my friend yesterday, one problem is that extroverts aren’t likely to read books about introverts, and therefore misunderstanding continues.

No one is completely all introvert or extrovert, but most people do lean strongly one way or another. The differences between the two aren’t just a matter of preference: Cain quotes a number of sources documenting that introverts are neurologically wired differently. So it behooves us (both introvert and extrovert) to understand and accept our differences, to realize that God created people differently and has different ways they can each minister, rather than trying to make each other more like ourselves or make everyone fit into one mold.

One of the main differences between the two are their sources of energy in relation to people. Introverts are drained by much social interaction: extroverts thrive on it. Introverts are not antisocial: they do like to get together with people but usually prefer smaller groups. If they are in a large gathering, they’ll likely be on the sidelines talking with one or two people rather than mixing and mingling with many (and they’ll likely collapse at home afterward).

Introverts also tend to be more analytical and slower to process their thoughts. That’s one thing that makes them lag a bit in group discussions and conversations: by the time they process what is being discussed and what they want to say, the conversation has moved on. That’s also why they can panic or at least strongly dislike being called on in a class or small group, and why they don’t think “on their feet” well and often express themselves better in writing than speaking. Introverts are generally more quiet because they’re thinking and processing (and because they prefer quietness and calmness), whereas extroverts often think things through by talking.

Not all introverts are shy: shyness may involve some of the above but may have the added factor of fear, or may just be habit. I was actually raised with the phrase, “Children are to be seen and not heard,” and it is hard to just flip the switch as an adult and start talking. God has helped me with that a lot (that may be a subject for another post). But even if shyness is due to fear, it isn’t helped by rebuking a person for it. Take whatever you’re most afraid of (public speaking, heights, spiders, etc.), and tell yourself “Just stop it!” and see how far you get. 🙂 Then apply that to a fear of people, and perhaps you’ll understand a bit better. One can learn coping mechanisms to help with shyness (and should, since one needs to learn to interact with people), but understanding and empathy help more than a superior or judgmental attitude.

Few if any introverts want to be total hermits. They do need and want people – just preferably in smaller doses. Some of us can talk a blue streak once we get to know and feel comfortable with people. And we can learn to be more talkative than we are really comfortable with. We do need to reach out and be involved in community – all those Biblical “one anothers” do involve other people. But it is comforting to know that Jesus said, “Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them” (Matthew 18:20).

There are other characteristics of introverts (which is why, after all, whole books have been written about them), but the main point I wanted to make today was just that we need to understand and respect differences. God made people different and as such He has a place and a purpose for each. The church needs both introverts and extroverts both for balance but also so they can minister to those most like themselves as well as to each other. One of my favorite e-mails came from Karla Dornacher, when I had posted a comment on her blog in a post where she had mentioned being a bit of a loner even though she does well at speaking to crowds. She responded that she couldn’t be alone in her studio so much of the time if she couldn’t be content with being alone for long stretches, and God gives us personalities to fit our callings. That was one of those proverbial light bulb moments for me. I’ve appreciated ways that God has opened for me to minister to others that fit in with the personality He has given me.

There are times, though, that He has pushed me out of my comfort zone. Every trait has its good and bad tendencies, and Adam’s book in particular cautions introverts against some of their potential problem tendencies (some of the most helpful quotes are here). We can avoid people sometimes just out of selfishness rather than need, and we need to realize that a lack of interaction can be hurtful and seem rude even if it is not meant to be. Adam also encourages us that when God does call us to make sacrifices or extend ourselves, He will provide the grace to do so.

Book Review: Introverts in the Church

Posted on May 29, 2013 by Barbara Harper

I came across Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture by Adam S. McHugh around the same time that I came across Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain (linked to my review). Susan’s book was somewhat clinical and historical, and I thought Adam’s would be a nice complement to hers, with spiritual applications.

It was and wasn’t. Some parts of the book were extremely helpful, but some of it totally turned me off.

One of the main characteristics of introverts is that they’re energized by solitude. They’re not hermits, not all are shy, they do like socializing to a degree, but it drains them, whereas extroverts are energized by socializing. They also process things differently. Extroverts process by talking with others: they can speak and think at the same time, though sometimes they are more prone than introverts to speak before thinking (e.g., Peter). Introverts process things internally and take longer to do so, so sometimes they miss speaking up because they’re still trying to figure out what to say. Extroverts can handle a lot of stimulation: introverts, only so much. Introverts also “prefer depth over breadth” (p. 41). That doesn’t mean that extroverts have no depth: it just means that introverts may have only a few very close friends rather than a great number of casual friends, generally hate small talk, prefer to fully explore a few interests rather than experiencing a smattering of interests.

McHugh starts off by making the case that church life seems to be set up more for extroverts than introverts (see the post on his blog, The Top Five Things Introverts Dread About Church, one of my all-time favorite posts ever). He cites a survey indicating more people than not thought Jesus was an extrovert (though McHugh lists several qualities of both the introvert and extrovert from what we see of Jesus’s life and suggests that Jesus was the perfect balance between the two), examples of equating spirituality with sociability, of a church atmosphere resembling a “nonalcoholic cocktail party” where “there is a chatty, mingling informality…where words flow like wine” (p. 21) rather than quietness and reverence.

Introverts tend to process things slowly, so they might lag behind in conversation and therefore be uncomfortable. They prefer having more involved, meaningful conversation with one or two people rather than glad-handing everyone they see. They “can faithfully sit in the back pew of worship services, rarely talking to anyone and still feel a genuine connection to the community (p. 93). They probably prefer quieter forms of church worship and wouldn’t mind some intervals of silence in order to think and process.

McHugh emphasizes that neither approach is right or wrong, and most of us have some mixture of introvert and extrovert in us, though most of us are usually stronger one way than the other. He asserts that, just like there are a variety of spiritual gifts withing the church that are supposed to interact to make up the body, so the church needs different personality types, partly so that we can minister to different personality types. There are valuable ways introverts can minister that may not look just like the way extroverts do, and that’s ok. An introvert doesn’t have to change his personality to “fit in” God’s kingdom, though McHugh acknowledges that we all need to be stretched out of our comfort zones sometimes.

He cites various ways introverts can be misunderstood or can feel they don’t fit in. He tells of a few people whose pastors thought that fostering community meant having a lot of church activities and groups, and one was thought less than spiritual if one did not attend all or most of these, yet the introverts found them exhausting. Introverts may be thought standoffish. I admit I have seen some of this. Recently a pastor who is usually very gracious equated being “quiet and bashful” with being “self-absorbed,” and the solution seemed to be to stop being quiet and bashful rather than to find ways a quiet and bashful person can minister (although, as I said above, we do need to extend ourselves past our comfort zones sometimes, but anyone can be self-absorbed, introvert or extrovert). Those kinds of things hurt, yet I can’t say I carry the sense of woundedness McHugh seems to, but he does have a chapter on “Finding Healing” for those who do.

He does have some admonitions for introverts that I found helpful:

“It is natural for introverts to distance themselves from others to do the necessary work of internal processing, but too often we use that as an excuse for avoiding others, even when we have the social energy to engage” (p. 52).

We are “susceptible to an unhealthy degree of self-preoccupation” and “become mired in our inner worlds, to the exclusion of relationships and actions that would bring …healing and joy” (p. 59).

“Our inner reflections can become excessive to the point of inaction. Introversion should never be an excuse for laziness or sin. Understanding our introversion is not the end of our self-discovery and growth; it is a beginning point for learning to love God and others” (p. 59).

“The love that is the ultimate goal of the Christian life cannot be restricted to inner stirrings, but it must be expressed in self-sacrificial action. Healing will come en route. We stretch as we take risks and move beyond our comfort zones” (p. 59)

“We bless the body of Christ when we express our gifts within community and when we love at personal costs to ourselves” (p. 60).

“When we use our introversion as an excuse for not loving people sacrificially, we are not acting as introverts formed in the image of God. We who follow a crucified Messiah know that love will sometimes compel us to willingly choose things that make us uncomfortable, to surrender our rights for the blessing of others. We worship a God ‘who by the power at work within us is able to accomplish abundantly far more than all we can ask or imagine’ [Ephesians 3:20]. We must be always be open to the sovereign God who can shake us to our cores, who gives us the strength to transcend our humanness and to do things we never thought possible” (p. 63).

“Even when our resources are at their lowest point, even when we have nothing to offer, we work out of a power that can take our scant reserves and overwhelm people with a mercy that heals both body and soul” (p. 65)

“Sometimes we play the ‘introvert card’ in order to avoid taking a risk or doing something uncomfortable” (p. 136).

“Introverts may need to keep struggling through greeting times at church, because we need the constant reminder that the Christian life is never lived in isolation” (p. 193).

“God may call some people into a work for which they are not perfectly suited, for His greater glory” (p. 138).

“When Moses objected to God at the burning bush, saying that he was a clumsy speaker, God did not disagree with him…The power of the Holy Spirit gives us the ability to do things we couldn’t do otherwise” (p. 138).

But while we need to extend ourselves, there are things churches can do to minister to introverts and enable them to connect and minister. He doesn’t suggest that churches should “coddle” introverts or “create yet another target audience” (p. 193), but one of the main things churches can do is to recognize that there are different ways to energize, lead, worship, experience community. He spends much of the book discussing these factors.They can stop “communicating to introverts that their ways of living and relating and worshiping are inferior or unfaithful” (p. 193) and realize that though we hold to the same “paramount, indispensable values” (p. 23), we may have different ways of expressing them. “The truly healthy church is a combination of introverted and extroverted qualities that fluidly move together. Only in that partnership can we capture both the depth and breadth of God’s mission” (p. 30).

Someone I read thought he focused too much on leadership rather than lay people, but I didn’t think so personally: there are two chapters specifically on leadership, and many of his examples involve pastors, but I found much I could glean and apply to myself even within those chapters.

I found the majority of the book very helpful, but I had major problems with the chapter on “Introverted Spirituality” and some of the chapter on “Introverts in Church”. He recommends several Eastern practices that “move beyond the senses” (p. 70) and mystical and Catholic practices that I would be uncomfortable with. I do agree that “words and tangible images are signs pointing to God, but they are not God Himself” (p. 71), and that God said, “as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:9), but I very strongly disagree that “words have a way of trying to control Him” (p. 71) or that we need to seek Him beyond words, especially the very words that He breathed out for us to have until we see Him again. A former pastor used to call the Bible “divinely brief” – of all the infinite number of things God could have said and conveyed to us, this is what He wanted us to know and think about and learn from. In the chapter on “Introverts in the Church,” he opens the chapter with a quote from Neil Postman that “If an audience is not immersed in an aura of mystery and symbolic otherworldliness, then it is unlikely that it can still call forth the state of mind required for a nontrivial religious experience” (p. 187). Though there are times when we can be humbled and amazed by God’s “otherworldliness” and transcendence, and though there are mysteries in the Bible and about God Himself that we can never fully fathom, I don’t think worship is “mystical.” A speaker I used to hear in college called worship “worth-ship” – ascribing to God and acknowledging His worth, His majesty, glory, holiness, and His abundant other qualities – which we learn of through His Word, not “beyond our senses.” Peter, James, and John had one of the most amazing spiritual experiences ever when they saw Christ transfigured before their very eyes, yet when Peter referred to it, he went on to say we have a “more sure word of prophecy” in the Scripture than even that experience. I am also wary of a prayer form that involves “silence to quiet the mind and focus on a sacred word or phrase. Apophatic prayer tries to rid the mind of all images and forms so as to be open to encounter directly the Mysterious One. It is the desire of the meditator to listen to God rather than talk to God” (p. 71). I have read suggestions that the focusing on a single word or phrase while meditating may be an occultish practice. I don’t know about that, but I do know that Biblical meditation is not an emptying of the mind but rather a using the mind, mulling or thinking over. Right when I was in the midst of this book, I was at home from church sick one day and listened to a sermon by Jim Berg on “Let the Word of Christ Dwell in You Richly” from Colossians 3:16. He defined meditation as “peering intently with purpose” involving concentration, purpose, and focus on a particular passage. I’m not saying that every single practice McHugh mentions is wrong (though there are some I am more uncomfortable with than others) or that Christians might not be able to use some of them in beneficial ways, but I am very wary of extra-Biblical practices, and strongly disagree that introverts need to seek this kind of spirituality. Besides all of that, I am just more practically minded. When he was writing of a specific form he likes to use in prayer, my thought was, “Well, ok, if that helps you. But some of us just like to talk to God in prayer.” Admittedly sometimes my thoughts get scattered in prayer, and when they do I go back to what we call the Lord’s prayer (not to say it in a rote way, but to use it phrase by phrase as a jumping-off point) or the Psalms or one of the New Testament prayers like Colossians 1:9-14 or Philippians 1:9-11.