kind words | Stray Thoughts

In the twenty-some years I’ve read blogs, I’ve come across several posts about what not to say to people in certain situations. I found these articles helpful and eye-opening.

For instance, many single people really don’t like being asked why they aren’t married or dating anyone. They may be wondering the same thing. They may be hurting and lonely. Or they may be postponing dating in their current season of life.

Likewise, it’s not usually wise to ask a young married couple when they are going to have children. They may be trying. They may have had miscarriages. They may want to but can’t afford to yet.

It’s never wise to ask any woman when she is due unless you know she is pregnant. In my young married years, loose dresses with no belts or waistlines were fashionable, leading to many mistaken conclusions.

When my husband and I were dating in college, we returned from summer and Christmas breaks to friends asking if we were engaged yet. I was spending much thought and time in prayer trying to discern if that was God’s will for us. I felt uncomfortably pressured by all the questions and expectations.

Sometimes we’re not trying to be hurtful, but we’re just thoughtless in our speech. Years ago, friends with the last name of Fox had their first child. When I saw them at church I smilingly quipped the verse about “little foxes spoiling the vine.” The husband looked at me wearily and said, “Everyone says that.” I instantly realized what a thoughtless, inane, and even unkind statement that was, and later was convicted that it was a horrible misuse of Scripture.

Many of these questions are plainly none of our business. Some cause pain even if we mean them as a lighthearted inquiry. Ephesians 4:29 reminds us, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” We need to be careful, thoughtful, prayerful, and edifying in what we say.

Yet, not everyone will see articles like the ones mentioned. Someone will inevitably say something that rubs us the wrong way. What then?

Avoid sarcastic comebacks. It can be tempting to strike back. But most times, people don’t realize they’ve said something hurtful. Sending back a zinger will only escalate the incident.

Give the benefit of the doubt. Most people truly do mean well. If they are trying to say hurtful things on purpose–then we need to have a different kind of conversation with them.

Appreciate their interest. At least they are interested in our lives and they’re not ignoring us.

Educate if needed. If they’ve never been in our situation, of course they are not going to understand. A friend whose child had life-threatening allergies has often had to shed light on common misconceptions and weather all kinds of misinformed comments about allergies.

Realize sometimes we’re the problem. Sometimes something is meant well but we take it the wrong way.

View the opposite end of the spectrum. Sometimes, people are so afraid of saying the wrong thing that they say nothing. We can foster that by too much complaining about the wrong things that have been said.

Give them grace, the same grace we would want people to extend to us if we said the wrong thing…because we likely will at some point. In fact, we probably have at some time without realizing it.

Confront or overlook. If someone has been truly hurtful, we may need to talk to them privately about why their comment caused pain and try to resolve the issue. (Matthew 18:15: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother”).

Or we may decide just to overlook the comment (I Peter 4:8: “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins”; Proverbs 10:12: “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses”).

Whether we confront or overlook, we need to deal with it one way or the other and let it go. We shouldn’t hold it against them, carry a grudge, let it fester, become bitter, or avoid them afterward.

We need to forgive on the basis of the great wrongs we have been forgiven, not on the basis of whether or not they “deserve” it (See Matthew 18:20-35). We didn’t deserve God’s forgiveness, and He has forgiven us so much more than anything anyone has done or said to us. (Matthew 6:14-15: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses”).

We need to exercise patience and forbearance. (Colossians 3:12-13: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive”; Ephesians 4:1-3: “I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace”).

We need to be filled with and manifest the fruit of the Holy Spirit: (Galatians 5:22-23: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law”).

It’s not that we can never discuss the sensitive topics like those mentioned at the beginning of this post. But we need to think before we speak and consider whether what we’re about to say is wise or helpful. We need to take into account the timing, setting, and our relationship with the person. We need to ascertain if we’d do better to be quiet or talk about another topic.

Whether we’re the speakers or the receivers, we need to walk closely with the Lord, seek His guidance, and “give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29).