One of my biggest regrets is that I often did not have a good attitude when caregiving for my mother-in-law. I wanted her to be well taken care of. But I did not have a natural caregiver’s heart. I often felt the weight of caregiving. I resented the intrusion on my time and plans for that stage of my life. When she was under hospice care for three years, we had bath aides, social workers, a chaplain, and a doctor coming in and out (often without calling first). Even though I liked most of the people, I often felt the introvert sanctuary of my home had been invaded.
I tried to fight these feelings by reminding myself of God’s truth: it was good and right and biblical to care for my mother-in-law. She had lovingly cared for my husband, and then our family after we married; she deserved our care in return. This was my ministry for that time in my life, and it was every bit as important as writing a book or teaching a class. God would give grace for each day, each moment, as needed.
Yet I still felt guilty about having these negative feelings in the first place.
Paul talks about the difference between regret and repentance, or worldly versus godly grief in 2 Corinthians 7:10-11. It’s important that we don’t stop at regret. It’s possible to feel bad about doing wrong without really repenting of it. Repentance will involve realization that we sinned against God, confession to Him that what we did was wrong, with no excuses or self-justification, and asking for His grace and help to change.
But even after repentance, we sometimes still regret what we did.
After my mother-in-law passed away, my guilt multiplied rather than ebbed. I confessed these things to the Lord. I knew He forgave me. But I still regretted my wrong attitudes and wished I had served her better.
I think this might be what people experience when they say they can’t forgive themselves. If God forgives us, who are we to withhold forgiveness? We have to accept that we are fallen creatures with a bent towards selfishness.
But even with forgiveness, we still regret our past actions. We wonder how we could have been so thoughtless or selfish.
When the person we’ve wronged has passed on, or we’ve lost touch, our regret festers. There’s no way to make it right, to apologize to that person.
Something happened recently to help me realize regrets can be redeemed.
I walked into the church restroom to find two ladies talking who were both currently taking care of their mothers. One knew I had taken care of my mother-in-law and pulled me into the conversation.
One of the things that had helped me most during my mother-in-law’s care was talking to other people who were currently or formerly caring for a parent. I could be a little freer to share with them and know I’d be understood. So now, I was able to help others in that way: mainly by listening, but sometimes by sharing something that helped me.
God has redeemed my regrets in other ways as well: softening my heart, helping me to be more watchful and prayerful, reminding of my need of His grace and help.
Of course, caregiving is not the only area where I have regrets. As I get older, past situations where I have failed come to mind–in parenting, relationships, ministry, and just about every area.
I can’t go back and redo the things I’ve done wrong. But I can encourage others. I can learn from my failures. God can use the way He helped me by sharing with others. He truly does work all things together for good to those who love Him (Romans 8:28). This doesn’t excuse the wrongdoing. But God, in His grace, can use it for good.
I imagine David regretted his sin with Bathsheba. Even though he got a wife and a son out of the situation, he faced other consequences. His sensitive heart, once it was right with God again, had to have berated himself. But out of that scenario came Psalm 51, which ministers to any who have sinned with the hope of forgiveness and redemption. God still used him to write psalms, prepare Solomon for his reign, and provide for the temple Solomon would build.
I’m sure Peter always regretted that he denied knowing Christ when Jesus was arrested and crucified. Jesus forgave him, restored him, and gave him a ministry. His epistles exhort readers to humility and to face suffering and persecution with joy–things I think he learned through his experiences.
It’s not that doing good deeds can somehow make up for our bad deeds. That’s how redemption often works in literature, but not with God. Just as we’re saved by His grace at the beginning, so we walk in His grace throughout life. We don’t do good things to rack up points with Him or to “even the scales”–we could never do enough! Rather, when He forgives us, we serve Him with renewed and thankful hearts.
For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life (Titus 3:3-7).
But shouldn’t we know better after we’re saved? Isn’t sin that much more heinous after salvation?
The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. . . . As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust” (Psalm 103:13-14).
Micah 7:18 says God delights in mercy.
I love what Christina Rossetti wrote: “A fall is a signal not to lie wallowing, but to rise.” We need to let regret do its convicting, humbling work in us. But then we need to seek God’s grace to keep going, walking closely with Him. He might even redeem our regrets by bringing up opportunities to encourage others with what we have learned.
(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)
Stray Thoughts 