When “Should” Irritates

Posted on July 13, 2025 by Barbara Harper

I am in a writing critique group where we take turns presenting a piece to the others for their feedback. Few things have impacted my writing more than having others read it and make suggestions to improve it.

With my last submission, I asked the group about what tone came across. I wanted to sound like an encouraging friend sitting across the table, not a lecturer.

Some of the ladies pointed out that I used “should” a number of times and suggested that I reword those sentences.

They were absolutely correct. Writing what people “should” do can sound like wagging my finger in their faces while frowning over my eyeglasses at them, even when that’s not how I’m thinking as I write.

For instance, instead of writing “You should read your Bible every day,” it’s more encouraging to say “Reading the Bible regularly helps us know God, His character, and His will for us.” The first sentence seems guilt-inducing (not only the “should,” but also saying “You” instead of “we”).

Those thoughts led to a rabbit trail concerning “should.” The word often grates. Buy why?

For instance, recently I bristled in response to an article which said I should read a certain author’s books. I didn’t know the author. None of his book titles interested me. Nothing I read about the author inspired me to read him. I left the site feeling irritated rather than inspired. .

“Shoulds” can seem to imply judgment. I don’t think they are always judgmental; but they feel that way. If we don’t want to do what the other person says we should, we feel guilty–even when we disagree with what they think we should do.

Also, when someone says we should do a thing, it makes them sound superior. Their way, their foods, their health practices, their books, their preferences–whatever they are recommending, they think it’s better than what we’re doing. And that makes us (or at least me) think, “Who do you think you are?” They may be sharing excellent advice, but it hits wrong.

Even if others don’t sound superior, they can seem like busybodies. An older lady at one of our churches told a young married lady she and her husband needed to get busy and have kids, and an older woman with six kids that she needed to slow down her baby production. That advice definitely crossed lines and caused hurt. But even lesser “shoulds” can do that.

Sometimes “should” affects us negatively because we just don’t like being told what to do.

Often, though, I think “should” deflates us because we’re heaped up with so many “shoulds” already that we can’t keep up with. We’re pressured by a whole list of unmet “shoulds” for family, our spiritual lives, health, friends, church, neighbors, our homes . . . we never get it all done, leaving us in an endless guilt cycle.

However, “should” is not always negative.

If I’m teaching my child to brush his teeth, I might say, “You should brush your teeth twice every day.” My dentist told me I should floss daily. “Should,” in those cases, is helpful.

Sometimes “should” is instructional. A math teacher will tell students why they should do long division or multiply fractions a certain way. A science teacher will tell students what they should and shouldn’t do in the lab, for everyone’s safety as well as their learning.

“Should” can even be a promise, or at least a hope. A financial advisor might recommend certain investments which should yield a profit.

“Should” is somewhat easier to take from an authority. We expect a parent, teacher, coach, or boss to tell us what we should do. In fact, we often welcome it. I would feel lost and frustrated in class or at a job where I had no idea what was expected of me.

“Should” also comes across better when there is a relationship behind it. I could probably handle “should” better from my husband or a good friend than from a casual acquaintance or an Internet stranger.

The Bible is full of shoulds and should nots, even when that exact word isn’t used. God is our ultimate authority. But His instructions and requirements are also based on His relationship with His own, His love for them, and His desire for their best interests.

Some of my favorite “shoulds” in the Bible:

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you (Psalm 32:8).

There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God (Ecclesiastes 2:24).

The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord (Lamentations 3:25-26).

Thus it is written, that the Christ should suffer and on the third day rise from the dead, and that repentance for the forgiveness of sins should be proclaimed in his name to all nations, beginning from Jerusalem (Luke 24:46-47).

For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you (John 15:16).

They should repent and turn to God, performing deeds in keeping with their repentance (Acts 26:20b).

One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind (Romans 14:5).

But all things should be done decently and in order (1 Corinthians 14:40).

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted (Galatians 6:1).

And this is love, that we walk according to his commandments; this is the commandment, just as you have heard from the beginning, so that you should walk in it (2 John 1:6).

“Should” has its place.

In my writing, I need to be careful with “should.” It’s usually best to avoid it and reframe my sentences to sound more encouraging.

But when I read or hear “should,” I need to consider it prayerfully and take into account who is saying it and what they are saying I should do. If they are heaping more on me than I can take, imposing their own opinions, or trying to induce shame or guilt, it may be best to ignore their “shoulds.”

But if the admonition is coming from someone who knows me and cares for me, who is responsible for me, who has my best interests in mind, they might be trying to help or guide me. I should probably heed what they say.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Sharing Our Struggles, not Our Perfection

Posted on July 6, 2025 by Barbara Harper

Several years ago, our ladies’ group asked some older married women in the church to be on a panel for discussion about marriage at a ladies’ meeting. We didn’t want to put them on the spot: we just figured they had more experience, and we wanted to glean their wisdom.

However, we had the hardest time getting anyone to agree to be on the panel. Some ladies didn’t want to participate because they thought their own marriages were far from perfect. Some felt that they were still learning: rather than answering other women’s questions, they still had plenty of their own.

In hindsight, it probably would have been better not to have particular women on a panel in front of everyone. One advantage to a panel is having known and trusted people there, whereas opening questions to the crowd in general might lead to some questionable answers. But perhaps the disadvantages outweighed the advantages.

Still, the evening ended up going very well (details are here). One even said we needed a session like that once a year.

Many of us would shy away from portrayal as an expert in most areas, especially areas of Christian life. We know we fall short. We don’t want anyone looking to us for answers, because we still struggle ourselves.

But an experienced Christian is not the same as an expert Christian.

When we’re struggling in a given area–marriage, devotions, hospitality, motherhood, work environments, or life in general–we’re not drawn to those who have their act together, whose lives are perfect, who never seem to struggle.

We want to hear from people who have been in the trenches, who know how we feel, who won’t give us pat answers, who have experienced the things we have and overcome them.

Andrew Peterson writes in Adorning the Dark: Thoughts on Community, Calling, and the Mystery of Making:

“O God,” you pray, “I’m so small and the universe is so big. What can I possibly say? What can I add to this explosion of glory? My mind is slow and unsteady, my heart is twisted and tired, my hands are smudged with sin. I have nothing—nothing—to offer.

Write about that.

“What do you mean?”

Write about your smallness. Write about your sin, your heart, your inability to say anything worth saying. Watch what happens (p. 11, Kindle version).

Though Peterson was praying about song-writing here, the principle is true in any area of life.

We can’t bless others with packaged advice from a position of perfection. Even if we could, our ministrations would probably be rejected as cold and unfeeling.

But God says His power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

One day on a hillside, over 5,000 people came to hear Jesus teach. Jesus had compassion on their physical needs as well as their spiritual needs. He told the disciples, “You give them something to eat.”

Of course, the disciples didn’t have the means to feed so many people. Philip indicated they didn’t have enough money to buy even a little food for everyone. Andrew found a boy with five barley loaves and two fish, but then asked, “what are they for so many?”

Jesus already knew what He was going to do to provide for the people. But He wanted the disciples to realize that they could not meet the need on their own.

Jesus had the people sit down, gave thanks, and then distributed the food to the disciples, who gave it to the people. Not only did they have “as much as they wanted,” but they gathered twelve baskets of leftovers.

We don’t have the wherewithal to feed people spiritually. But when we give ourselves to Him, He can work through us to help others. He will take our not-enoughness and work through us to display His more-than-enoughness.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Irritating or Irritable?

Posted on June 29, 2025 by Barbara Harper

When one of my sons was a child, he got hold of the word “irritating” – as in, “Mo-ooom, he’s irritating me.”

We tried to teach our boys not to irritate each other on purpose, not to hit, tease, “bother,” bait, infringe on the possessions or person of the other, etc. But sometimes in everyday living together, we’re going to irritate each other.

After listening to whatever had irritated my young son, I would deal with the issue. But when the complaints of irritation grew, I would say something like, “You need to work on not being so irritate-able” (pronounced on purpose for emphasis). That was not a satisfying answer. The problem is with the other guy, Mom! You need to make him stop!

I need to heed my own advice. I find myself getting far too irritated far too often. Sometimes it’s the other thing or person that is being irritating, or causing the issue: the ~~stupid~~ recalcitrant computer, the driver who wasn’t watching what he was doing, the Alexa device that can’t handle a simple request, etc.

But too often, it’s just a matter of my own irritate-ableness. Touchiness, my mom used to call it.

Honestly, little irritations trip me up spiritually much more often than major trials.

So what can I do when I am feeling irritable?

Remember we live in a fallen world. Appliances and cars break down at the most inconvenient times. Traffic jams seem to occur when I am most in a hurry. We all have sin natures that won’t be completely eradicated until we get to heaven. I shouldn’t be surprised when things go wrong or when there are occasional misunderstandings.

Fix the issue, if possible. Find out if there is something wrong with the computer, leave early so every red light isn’t aggravating, slow down and take the necessary time to accomplish something so haste doesn’t create more problems, gently ask the other person to refrain from or change whatever they are doing,etc.

Forbear. A former pastor used to say forbearing was just good old-fashioned putting up with each other. Ephesians 4:1-3 goes a step further and speaks of “forbearing one another in love” (“bearing with” in some translations).

Humble myself. The verses mentioned speak of humility and meekness. Who am I to think that the entire world should revolve around my preferences? Colossians 3:12-14 also speaks of forbearance in the context of “kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering,” and forgiveness.

Focus on the other person. When I am fixated on an irritating behavior in someone else, I view the whole person through that lens. Instead, I need to focus on that person as another child of the Father whom He loves every bit as much as He loves me and seek ways to serve him or her.

Do unto others as I would have them do unto me. I need to remember that I’m probably unwittingly irritating someone else who is being forbearing with me. I need to handle the irritations that come from other people as graciously as I would want them to handle mine.

Don’t make excuses. There are certain times, seasons, hormones, and circumstances that make one more susceptible to irritability. I admit it is really hard for me to be civil, much less loving, when I haven’t had enough sleep. And during certain hormonal surges I’ve wondered how in the world not to blow up at someone. But God’s promises and requirements don’t have exception clauses for “those” times. He gives more grace when we ask Him and rely on Him for it.

Behold our God. II Corinthians 3:18 says we’re changed more and more into Christ’s likeness as we behold Him. When I look inside and tell myself I need to be more kind, loving, forbearing, etc., I get discouraged and fail because I don’t have it in myself (Romans 7:18). But when I look at Him, that irritability seems to just melt away.

The Lord is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made (Psalm 145:8-9).

For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly (! Peter 2:21-23).

Pray. I often pray Colossians 1:9-14 for myself and my loved ones. Verse 11 says, “Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness.” We need God’s strength to be patient. Along with His power, He also gives us joy.

Trust God to work through even this. Author and missionary Elisabeth Elliot has been my “mentor from afar” for most of my adult life. She was honest about her human failings and struggles. She wrote in A Lamp for My Feet:

How can this person who so annoys or offends me be God’s messenger? Is God so unkind as to send that sort across my path? Insofar as his treatment of me requires more kindness than I can find in my own heart, demands love of a quality I do not possess, asks of me patience which only the Spirit of God can produce in me, he is God’s messenger. God sends him in order that he may send me running to God for help.

It encouraged me that Elisabeth had some of the same feelings I wrestle with.

God uses some people and circumstances as sandpaper to smooth our rough edges. Romans 5:3-5 tells us “suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” That’s true of “little” sufferings as well as the big ones.

(Revised from the archives.)

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Your Soul Needs Food Even When It Doesn’t Want It

Posted on June 22, 2025 by Barbara Harper

You’re sick. Your sinuses are inflamed, your throat is raw, your nose is red, drippy, and chafing. You have a fever and ache all over. And you don’t feel like eating.

But you do eat. Nothing sounds good, except maybe the proverbial remedy for a cold, chicken soup. But you eat because your body needs it. And the very food you don’t have an appetite for not only nourishes you, but helps your body fight infection and get well.

The same is true spiritually. When something is wrong in our lives, when we’re in some kind of dark valley—we tend to put God’s Word aside. Our appetite for it has waned.

But we need the Bible then more than ever. We may not be able to keep up with our usual routine or an intense study. But we need to keep sipping and tasting. We might spend more time in the Psalms or favorite passages than other passages. We might listen instead of read.

And the very Word we don’t have an appetite for not only nourishes us, but helps us heal. It will strengthen us and help us fight spiritual infection.

So when our appetite for the Word of God is off, we need to keep partaking. Our souls need it. We may not feel instant refreshment. It may seem a little dry. But we can ask God to open “the eyes of our heart” and minister to us.

Often a subdued appetite can be aroused by tasting food. It didn’t sound good, but once we had a few bites, we wanted more.

We may feel like reading the Bible is the last thing we want to do. But it’s been my experience, many times over, that once I start reading it, I want more.

Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain! Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways (Psalm 119:36-37).

They loathed any kind of food,
    and they drew near to the gates of death.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
    and he delivered them from their distress.
He sent out his word and healed them,
    and delivered them from their destruction.
Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,
    for his wondrous works to the children of man!
And let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving,
    and tell of his deeds in songs of joy!

(Psalm 107:18-22)

(Revised from the archives)

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

A Good Father Reflects God

Posted on June 15, 2025 by Barbara Harper

I often start my prayer time with what we call “the Lord’s prayer” in Matthew 6:7-14. Doing so helps me keep on track rather than being so easily distracted. I use the phrases in the prayer as a launching point. When I pray for daily bread, I mention other needs of the day. When I pray for forgiveness, I ask God to search me and show me anything I need to confess to Him.

The prayer begins, “Our father in heaven.” I thank God for being my Father, for taking me into His family, for giving us that picture of a loving father to help us understand more what He is like.

When I was a child, I had an image in my mind of a father as a soft-spoken man in a cardigan, button-down shirt, slacks, and slippers, with a newspaper in one hand and a pipe in the other.

That’s not a picture of my own father.

For years I wondered where in the world that idea came from. I assumed it stuck with me from some book I had read as a child. I finally realized that portrayal came from Fred MacMurray, the father in the TV show, My Three Sons.

No father is perfect, and some fall far from the ideal. But the fact that we have good and bad concepts of what a father should be points us to the reality that there is such a thing as a good father. Our image of what a father’s care should be helps us form a concept of God’s loving care in our minds.

The Bible tells us what qualities God has as a father, mirrored in good earthly fathers.

Love. “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are”(1 John 3:1). Romans 5:6-8 tells us that God loved us when we were weak, ungodly, and sinful. He didn’t wait for us to clean up our act before coming to Him: He invites us to let Him clean us up.

Teaching. “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you” (Psalm 32:8). We’re not born with wisdom. God patiently teaches us through His Word, experience, and other people.

Compassion. “As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust” (Psalm 103:13-14). Some translations say He pities us. He knows our weaknesses and frailties.

Chastening. “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives” (Hebrews 12:5-6). It’s not a kindness to let a child run amok without correction. God chastens us out of love.

Providing. “Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:31-33). Just before these verses, Jesus points to the birds and flowers that God takes care of, assuring us He values us more than them and He’ll take care of us, too.

Giving. “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change” (James 1:17). God has promised to give us everything we need. He often gives a great deal more than that, too.

Even more than physical gifts, God gave Himself, through His Son, to redeem us: “And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (Galatians 2:20b).

Protection. “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, ‘My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’ For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler (Psalm 91:1-4).

Comfort. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). No one comforts like Him.

Forgiveness. What better picture of God’s forgiveness is there than that of the prodigal son’s father in Luke 15:11-32. The son selfishly demanded all that was coming to him and then went out and squandered it in sin and indulgence. But when he came to the end of himself and went home, the father was looking for him and joyfully ran to him and embraced him.

Though earthly fathers fail us, God never will. “For my father and my mother have forsaken me, But the LORD will take me up” (Psalm 27:10). “Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you” (Isaiah 49:15).

If your father is no longer living, or relationships with him are strained, “Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation. God settles the solitary in a home” (Psalm 68:5-6a).

“And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, ‘Abba! Father!’So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God” (Galatians 4:6-7). “Abba” was the Aramaic word for “father,” a term expressing both respect and endearment.

Imagine, people as sinful and self-centered as we are can call God our Father–not just in a general way, but in a deeply personal and loving way. What amazing grace.

If you’re not a child of God, please read how to become one here.

And if you do know God as a Father, I hope you’ll join me in taking time to bask in His love and care today.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

The Mission for My Remaining Years

Posted on June 8, 2025 by Barbara Harper

After age 30 or so, each milestone birthday becomes more sobering. Age 60 hit me particularly hard. There’s no question that there are more years behind me than ahead of me. Though I hope to still have another two or three decades, my strength and stamina show obvious signs of slowing down.

I’ve never had trouble admitting my age until I turned 60. I was past the time of claiming to be middle-aged, yet I didn’t consider myself to be really old yet. I still felt relevant, but I was afraid younger people would see me as past my prime, no longer worthy to be listened to.

One frustration of aging is increasing health problems. I suppose most people don’t go full steam until the day they die. Most of us undergo a gradual breaking down of various functions. I heard a radio preacher say one reason our bodies start failing is to make us willing to let go of them. We have a strong instinct to survive, but at some point, this body will get to a place where we’ll realize it’s no longer worth trying to preserve it. But even long before that time, doctor’s visits and medications increase.

What’s even more unsettling for me is that the age I will turn this August is the same age both my parents died. They had bad health habits and conditions that I don’t have–but I have some that they didn’t have. I am reminding myself that my times are in God’s hands.

I’m encouraged by reports of people my age and older achieving great things. Laura Ingalls Wilder was 65 when she published her first book. Grandma Moses began serious painting at the age of 78. Harlen Sanders established the Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants when he was 65. Peter Mark Roget published his first thesaurus at the age of 73.

Most of us don’t have such lofty goals for our later years (although I would like to publish a book). We’d be happy just to be able to get around on our own steam and not be a burden to anyone.

In a recent post by Tim Challies, he included a quote by De Witt Talmage that arrested me:

. . . there is something for you yet to do. Perhaps it may be to round off the work you have already done; to demonstrate the patience you have been recommending all your lifetime; perhaps to stand a lighthouse at the mouth of the bay to light others into harbor; perhaps to show how glorious a sunset may come after a stormy day.

Those are things any of us could do. With however many years I have left, I want to share with my family, readers here, and friends at church and elsewhere, that God is faithful, God is good, and God is worth knowing.

When it feels like God is silent or absent, He is not. He has promised never to leave or forsake His own.

When answers to prayer seem a long time coming, God’s timing is best.

When you feel forsaken, God is with you.

He is the truest friend, the wisest guide, the strongest ally, the most loving Father.

His Word is a treasure chest. Delve into as often as you can, not just as an exercise or ritual, but to know the Author.

On all of my sons’ graduation materials, whether a card or the “senior page” in their yearbooks, I shared the first part of this verse:

And you, Solomon my son, know the God of your father and serve him with a whole heart and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches all hearts and understands every plan and thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will cast you off forever. (1 Chronicles 28:9).

I usually share this verse on graduation cards:

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore (Psalm 16:11).

I’ve also often shared this with others:

And now I commend you to God and to the word of his grace, which is able to build you up and to give you the inheritance among all those who are sanctified (Acts 20:32).

These are the messages I want to share and demonstrate for as long as I live.

Rosalind Goforth shared this poem at the beginning of her book, Climbing: Memories of a Missionary Wife. It has stayed with me for years and epitomizes what I want my life, ministry, and legacy to be:

If you have gone a little way ahead of me, call back;
‘Twill cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track;
And if, perchance, Faith’s light is dim, because the oil is low,
Your call will guide my lagging course as wearily I go.

Call back, and tell me that He went with you into the storm;
Call back, and say He kept you when the forest’s roots were torn;
That when the heavens thundered and the earthquake shook the hill,
He bore you up and held you where the very air was still.

O friend, call back and tell me, for I cannot see your face;
They say it glows with triumph, and your feet bound in the race;
But there are mists between us, and my spirit eyes are dim,
And I cannot see the glory, though I long for word of Him.

But if you’ll say He heard you when your prayer was but a cry,
And if you’ll say He saw you through the night’s sin-darkened sky
If you have gone a little way ahead, O friend, call back
‘Twill cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track.

Author Unknown

Whatever else we can or can’t do as we get older, we can join with the psalmist in praying:

I will open my mouth in a parable;
I will utter dark sayings from of old,
things that we have heard and known,
that our fathers have told us.
We will not hide them from their children,
but tell to the coming generation
the glorious deeds of the Lord, and his might,
and the wonders that he has done.

He established a testimony in Jacob
and appointed a law in Israel,
which he commanded our fathers
to teach to their children,
that the next generation might know them,
the children yet unborn,
and arise and tell them to their children,
so that they should set their hope in God
and not forget the works of God,
but keep his commandments . . .

Psalm 78:2-7

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Rays of Glory

Posted on June 1, 2025 by Barbara Harper

When I notice rays of sunlight streaming through a cloud, I can hardly look away. They make me think of the Rapture, wondering if someday we’ll pass through an opening in the clouds just like that. Or Jesus’ return, which He said would be among the clouds.

Apparently, I am not the only one whose thoughts are turned to heaven by such a sight. Some have called this phenomenon “fingers of God” or “God rays.”

I learned recently that these shafts of sunlight have a scientific name: Crepuscular rays.

I was interested to read that the sunbeams are actually parallel. They look like they fan out to us in the same way that railroad tracks look like they are close together right in front of us but wider the farther they extend, even though they are actually parallel.

But what struck me even more was the fact that the rays are visible due to the light’s reaction with particles in the air, a process called scattering.

And do you know what one of the main particles in the atmosphere is?

Dust.

Dust is one of my least favorite substances on earth. No matter how many times I wipe dust off surfaces, more accumulates in just a day or two.

Yet glorious sunlight can interact with everyday dust to show forth light that turns our thoughts to God.

You know, the Bible says we’re made of dust. We’ll return to dust when we die (Genesis 3:19). God’s fatherly discipline of us is tempered by the fact that “he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust” (Psalm 103:13-14).

Sometimes our frames are so dusty, it’s hard to imagine anything glorious coming from them or through them.

But “God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ” (2 Corinthians 4:6).

God shines the light of Christ in us that we might know Him. Then His light shines through us, dusty as we are, and scatters His light that others might see and turn to Him.

Jesus told us to “Let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 5:16).

When people look up to rays of light in the sky, they don’t notice the dust. They just see the light reflecting off the dust.

May God scatter His light across the everyday “dust” of life–in our homes, cars, stores, churches, neighborhoods. May others see Him reflected through us and be turned to His light.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

When People Say Thoughtless Things

Posted on May 25, 2025 by Barbara Harper

In the twenty-some years I’ve read blogs, I’ve come across several posts about what not to say to people in certain situations. I found these articles helpful and eye-opening.

For instance, many single people really don’t like being asked why they aren’t married or dating anyone. They may be wondering the same thing. They may be hurting and lonely. Or they may be postponing dating in their current season of life.

Likewise, it’s not usually wise to ask a young married couple when they are going to have children. They may be trying. They may have had miscarriages. They may want to but can’t afford to yet.

It’s never wise to ask any woman when she is due unless you know she is pregnant. In my young married years, loose dresses with no belts or waistlines were fashionable, leading to many mistaken conclusions.

When my husband and I were dating in college, we returned from summer and Christmas breaks to friends asking if we were engaged yet. I was spending much thought and time in prayer trying to discern if that was God’s will for us. I felt uncomfortably pressured by all the questions and expectations.

Sometimes we’re not trying to be hurtful, but we’re just thoughtless in our speech. Years ago, friends with the last name of Fox had their first child. When I saw them at church I smilingly quipped the verse about “little foxes spoiling the vine.” The husband looked at me wearily and said, “Everyone says that.” I instantly realized what a thoughtless, inane, and even unkind statement that was, and later was convicted that it was a horrible misuse of Scripture.

Many of these questions are plainly none of our business. Some cause pain even if we mean them as a lighthearted inquiry. Ephesians 4:29 reminds us, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” We need to be careful, thoughtful, prayerful, and edifying in what we say.

Yet, not everyone will see articles like the ones mentioned. Someone will inevitably say something that rubs us the wrong way. What then?

Avoid sarcastic comebacks. It can be tempting to strike back. But most times, people don’t realize they’ve said something hurtful. Sending back a zinger will only escalate the incident.

Give the benefit of the doubt. Most people truly do mean well. If they are trying to say hurtful things on purpose–then we need to have a different kind of conversation with them.

Appreciate their interest. At least they are interested in our lives and they’re not ignoring us.

Educate if needed. If they’ve never been in our situation, of course they are not going to understand. A friend whose child had life-threatening allergies has often had to shed light on common misconceptions and weather all kinds of misinformed comments about allergies.

Realize sometimes we’re the problem. Sometimes something is meant well but we take it the wrong way.

View the opposite end of the spectrum. Sometimes, people are so afraid of saying the wrong thing that they say nothing. We can foster that by too much complaining about the wrong things that have been said.

Give them grace, the same grace we would want people to extend to us if we said the wrong thing…because we likely will at some point. In fact, we probably have at some time without realizing it.

Confront or overlook. If someone has been truly hurtful, we may need to talk to them privately about why their comment caused pain and try to resolve the issue. (Matthew 18:15: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother”).

Or we may decide just to overlook the comment (I Peter 4:8: “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins”; Proverbs 10:12: “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses”).

Whether we confront or overlook, we need to deal with it one way or the other and let it go. We shouldn’t hold it against them, carry a grudge, let it fester, become bitter, or avoid them afterward.

We need to forgive on the basis of the great wrongs we have been forgiven, not on the basis of whether or not they “deserve” it (See Matthew 18:20-35). We didn’t deserve God’s forgiveness, and He has forgiven us so much more than anything anyone has done or said to us. (Matthew 6:14-15: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses”).

We need to exercise patience and forbearance. (Colossians 3:12-13: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive”; Ephesians 4:1-3: “I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace”).

We need to be filled with and manifest the fruit of the Holy Spirit: (Galatians 5:22-23: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law”).

It’s not that we can never discuss the sensitive topics like those mentioned at the beginning of this post. But we need to think before we speak and consider whether what we’re about to say is wise or helpful. We need to take into account the timing, setting, and our relationship with the person. We need to ascertain if we’d do better to be quiet or talk about another topic.

Whether we’re the speakers or the receivers, we need to walk closely with the Lord, seek His guidance, and “give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29).

(Revised from the archives)

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Testing

Posted on May 18, 2025 by Barbara Harper

For most of my husband’s professional career, he worked as a lab technician and then a lab manager, first in the textile industry, then in plastics.

Part of lab work involved troubleshooting problems as they came up. But when the company developed new products, they had to be tested.

In automotive textiles, for instance, fibers and fabrics need to maintain their color despite being hit with bright sunlight for years. So the lab had a weatherometer to simulate so many days of sunshine to see how soon the fibers would fade.

Other tests involved metameric properties: looking the same color in different lights. Automobile manufacturers wanted a car’s color to look the same in sunlight, under the showroom’s fluorescent lights, and in the homeowner’s garage with incandescent lighting. There was a brief exception to this for a time when some cars were deliberately painted to look like they changed colors as they passed. But even then, I believe the interior colors remained the same.

Fibers were also tested for tensile strength: their ability to be stretched or pulled without breaking.

Sometimes were tests were diagnostic. The technicians needed to know the properties of the fibers to discover their weaknesses in order to strengthen them or improve them.

God might test people for the same purposes. He knows our weaknesses and whether we will pass or fail our tests. But often we don’t know until we fail. Like Peter before Jesus was arrested, we feel confident in our devotion to Him. We’re even warned to watch and pray, and, like Peter, fall asleep instead. And then when the temptation comes, we fall on our faces and weep bitterly.

But when we fail a test, God doesn’t reject us or pull us off the assembly line. He uses the failure to make us aware of our need for dependence on Him. If we respond in the right way, we draw even closer to Him because we realize how much we need Him.

However, some tests don’t expose weaknesses: they reveal strengths. Manufacturers like to advertise that their products have passed tests. College entrance exams show that a student is ready to handle the challenges of university learning. Military, police, and firemen all have to pass rigorous tests to prove they can handle their jobs.

When God pointed out to Satan that Job was a righteous, godly man, God knew how Job would respond. Though knocked to the dust in sorrow and coming to some wrong conclusions, Job’s faith never faltered. Even when he questioned God, he was still expressing trust in him. His example of facing intense suffering has encouraged Christian for centuries.

Likewise, Joseph endured the cruelty of his brothers, being sold into slavery, falsely accused, and forgotten, with a grace few of us could manage. His conclusion that God meant for good what his brothers meant for evil has helped many Christians come to the same understanding and to trust God even when life seems unfair and doesn’t make sense.

Sometimes our tests are not just for us. When we see how others weather their tests, we’re encouraged that surviving and thriving are possible. That’s why we listen when someone like Joni Eareckson Tada speaks. She’s been through the fire and found God faithful and good.

Being a good testimony through our tests doesn’t mean putting up a smiling front or keeping a stiff upper lip. The psalmists poured out their confusion, frustration, and fears to God. It helps to read that others have wrestled with the same questions and feelings we do. That’s part of their testimony as well as the resolutions they come to.

If fibers were sentient, they might consider the tensile test was torture. But the technician isn’t being cruel. He doesn’t want to destroy the fiber. He doesn’t want it to fail. He has every hope that it will pass the test so that it can perform the function for which it was created.

God does not test us in a clinical or dispassionate way. He has our best interests at heart. He wants us to grow and develop in the best way we can. Like a parent, coach, or teacher, He stretches our endurance so we may grow stronger and more dependent on Him. He wants to show others, through us, that His grace is sufficient.

The Bible encourages us to endure testing joyfully:

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing (James 1:2-4).

In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ (1 Peter 1:6-7).

We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us (Romans 5:3-5).

And when the tests are over:

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you (1 Peter 5:10).

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him (James 1:12).

Will our faith remain vibrant, or fade under pressures and trials?

Will our colors remain true, or change with circumstances?

Will we endure without breaking?

Not in our own strength. But “I can do all things through him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).

May God give us grace to endure testing for His glory.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Joys and Sorrows of Mother’s Day

Posted on May 11, 2025 by Barbara Harper

Mother’s Day is fraught with mixed emotions.

It’s good to honor mothers. The Bible does. One of the ten commandments tells us to honor our parents. Motherhood has taken a beating by society over the last several years. Moms carry a heavy load, often unseen and unappreciated. They need all the encouragement and support they can get.

But Mother’s Day is profoundly sad for others.

Some grieve the death of their children, or their estranged children or wayward children.

Some have mothers who are still here physically but far away mentally or emotionally, mothers who rarely, if ever, showed love, mothers who abandoned them, mothers who have died. For those who feel abandoned or unloved by parents, may you truly know “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up” (Psalm 27:10).

Some would love to be mothers, yet God has not granted that request. Mother’s Day only adds to their pain. I appreciate Wendy Alsup’s thought that “God uses both the presence and the absence of children in the lives of His daughters as a primary tool of conforming us to Christ.”

Some moms grieve that their families don’t acknowledge this day at all, and they feel more taken for granted than ever. Erin has some good advice for managing expectations.

Some downplay the day. They would rather have their family appreciate them year-round, not just on a certain designated day. And, true, it doesn’t make sense to disrespect someone every other day and then buy them flowers and a card on Mother’s Day. But I always look at special days in the same vein as Thanksgiving. Yes, we’re supposed to be thankful every day, but Thanksgiving reminds us of all we have to be thankful for. Jesus’ resurrection impacts our lives every day, but it receives special focus at Easter. So Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, or someone’s birthday are just opportunities to tell someone you love that you appreciate them.

For many, all the talk of ideal mothers on Mother’s Day makes them feel their failures all the more. They feel like “perfect mother,” or even “good mother,” are titles they can never aspire to. God took our faults and foibles into account when He made us mothers. He knows we’re made of dust. We confess our sins to Him and lean on Him moment by moment for grace and help and strength to mother as He wants us to. “Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).

My mother and all of my older mother figures are gone now. I try to honor their memories. I am thankful for so many women who were examples to me and made me a better woman, wife, and mother. I hope I can encourage others as these ladies did me.

For those whose families show their love this day, and for those who have a mother to celebrate today, I wish you joy.

For those who sorrow, I pray for the peace that passes understanding. May His merciful kindness be for your comfort, according to His word unto you (Psalm 119:76).