Category Archives: Family

Repost: Christmas Grief

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This is the sixth anniversary of my Mom’s death, so, though I think of her and sorely miss her often, this day (as well as her birthday and Mother’s Day) are particularly poignant days for me. Grief seems to start out like a flood but then slowly recedes to a stream that occasionally overflows its banks. There are many fond and pleasant memories, but I don’t suppose some moments of intense missing her will ever go away until I see her again. This is what I wrote on this day last year:

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December could be a rather gloomy month for my family. My mother passed away Dec. 10 five years ago, my father Dec. 12 a few years earlier, and my grandmother Christmas Eve a few years prior to that, leading my brother to exclaim once that he just wanted to cancel the whole month.

The death of a loved any any time of year can shadow the whole Christmas season as we miss our normal interactions with that loved one, and several years later, though maybe the pangs aren’t quite as sharp, they’re still there, and it’s not abnormal to be caught off guard by a memory or a longing leading to a good crying jag.

When someone is grieving over the holidays, they may not want to participate in some of the “normal” happy pastimes. It’s not that they don’t ever laugh or enjoy gatherings. But as Sherry said yesterday, “I am enjoying the traditional holiday celebrations, and at the same time they move me to tears, sad tears for things that have been lost this year. I am singing the music, and yet I’m tired of the froth of jingling bells and pa-rumpumpum.” I remember almost wishing that we still observed periods of mourning with wearing black or some sign of “Grief in progress” — not to rain on anyone else’s good time, but just to let people know there was woundedness under the surface, and just as physical wounds need tenderness while healing, so do emotional ones. Normally I love baby and bridal showers and make it a point to attend, but for several months after my mom’s death I did not want to go to them. I rejoiced with those who rejoiced…but just did not want to rejoice in quite that way. I first heard the news of my mom’s death during our adult Sunday School Christmas party, and the next year I just did not want to attend. Even this year, when our ladies’ Christmas party was on the anniversary of my mom’s death, I was concerned that at some point during the evening I would have to find the restroom and lock myself in to release some tears (though thankfully that did not happen).

Other events can cast a pall over Christmas: illness, job loss, a family estrangement, etc. One Christmas we were all sick as dogs, and my father-in-law had just had a major health crisis and wanted us to come up from SC to ID to visit. There was just no way we could drag ourselves onto a plane until antibiotics had kicked in a few days later, but we did go, and if I remember correctly, that was the last time any of us except my husband saw him alive, so in retrospect we were glad we went, though it wasn’t the merriest of Christmases. A good friend grieved over “ruining” her family’s Christmas by being in the hospital with a severe kidney infection. Lizzie wrote about visiting her husband in prison for Christmas. Quilly commented yesterday about being homeless one Christmas. Yet both Lizzie and Quilly mentioned reasons for rejoicing in the midst of those circumstances.

If you’re grieving this Christmas, don’t feel guilty if you’re not quite into the “froth” this year.  One quote I shared on a Week In Words post earlier had to do with giving yourself time to heal. On the other hand, there may be times to go through with the holiday festivities for family’s sake — and, truly, those times can help keep you from the doldrums. Sherry shared how making a list of reasons to celebrate Christmas helped. Look for the good things to rejoice in. E-mom left a valuable comment yesterday that we can treasure up the memories of good Christmases to tide us over the not so good ones, and then look forward to better things ahead. And as I said yesterday, remember that the first Christmas was not all about the froth, either, but was messy, lonely, and painful, yet out of it was born the Savior of the world and the hope of mankind. Rejoice in that hope and promise. Draw near to Him who has borne our griefs and carries our sorrows until grief and sorrow are done away forever.

“You never know what a day will bring forth”

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This is what my mother-in-law said, paraphrasing Proverbs 27:1, in her emergency room bed this morning.

She’s fine, but her oxygen level was low and the nurse at her place thought her color was off, so they called her doctor and he told them to call an ambulance. She was pretty scared about the ambulance, but an excellent EMT seemed to really make a connection with her and had her laughing and joking, so by the time we got to the ER she was in a pretty good mood.

They did a variety of lab work and diagnosed that she had bronchitis and a urinary tract infection and sent her home with an antibiotic. What was sad was that, after getting her home and settled, Jim mentioned the antibiotic, and she asked why she needed one.  When he mentioned the ER and ambulance, she didn’t remember it at all. Maybe that’s for the best, but it is disturbing that her memory is deteriorating that much. Or it may be just that she was so shaken up by the events of the morning that her memory wasn’t working well. When anything unroutine happens it tends to have an effect on her both mentally and physically.

My poor dear husband got the call about the ER just as he was getting off an overnight flight from LA. While he was at LAX last night, the power for the airport suddenly went out. That would be unsettling! They did have emergency lighting and were able to use the PA system, but of course couldn’t process flights. Thankfully everything was back up to speed by the time his flight left, so he wasn’t delayed. It’s funny the things you don’t think about the power affecting — he had been in the restroom when the lights went out, and the little automatic flushers and faucets didn’t work without electricity. We leaned later the power outage was due to Santa Ana winds.

So he’s had a very long 20 hours or so. But thankfully he was able to sleep on the plane, so he’s doing ok. But I am sure he’ll be glad to be in his own bed tonight.

The couple of different posts I was contemplating for today will have to keep til next week. Looking forward tonight to Turkey Bone Soup, one of the best things about the days after Thanksgiving!

First ever pumpkin carvings

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We never carved pumpkins until this year. It wasn’t something I grew up with — I don’t think my husband did, either. Then when my kids were very young I was perhaps over concerned about the evil origins of things — it’s something we heard and read a lot about back then. And though I do think it’s cause for consideration, on the other hand, if it’s a tradition that has moved away from its origins and no one connects it with that today, then by and large I don’t think it is a problem, though of course everyone must wrestle with his or own own conscience in these matters. But I think in general when people see carved pumpkins, they think, “Oh, how cute!” rather than, “I wonder what nefarious reasons people first had for doing such a thing.”

Anyway, no one ever really brought up the idea or asked to carve pumpkins until this year. One of my favorite comments of the evening was when Jim teased Mittu, saying, “All these years of having boys, I never had to carve pumpkins, but I get one girl….”

Here are a few pictures from the evening:

Getting started:

Jason scooping out pumpkin goo:

Jason pretending to eat pumpkin goo:

Yuck! I had heard pumpkin innards were pretty gross, and I can confirm the truth of it. I never knew how bad they smelled, though. It smelled like…someone was having digestive discomforts of various sorts. Jason wondered where anyone ever got the idea of making pies out of these. I said probably someone who was hungry and didn’t want to eat them as is and tried to figure out a way to make them palatable by adding lots of sugar and spices.

I’ve heard roasted pumpkin seeds are good and should have tried that since we had them there, but I just wasn’t inspired to. I’m not much of a seed eater in general.

The inside of a pumpkin before scraping:

The inside of a pumpkin after scraping:

They had bought a little kit that had various carving tools, scarpers, and some patterns.

Jim got his pattern from that: Jason and Mittu got theirs online.

Jim’s pumpkin:

Jason’s pumpkin without the light…

…And with the light:

Mittu’s pumpkin:

Recognize them? 🙂

Mittu also painted one for Grandma:

Final products on the porch:

Jesse didn’t do one — he was off playing computer games. I hadn’t planned to do one, but near the end I was kind of wishing I had. I have a few small ones I am trying to decide whether to paint or just to enjoy as they are. I don’t know if we’ll make this an annual event, but it was a fun evening.

We ended up not getting any trick-or-treaters. I knew we wouldn’t get many — there are only a few children on our street. But it was kind of disappointing not to get any. I missed seeing the little kids dressed up and excited. But I am glad to get away from the Halloween in our old house, where people brought kids in from I don’t know where, and you could hardly inch your car through the streets because there were so many people, and you could run through a fortune in candy in a very short time. That was ridiculous. But it would have been nice to have a few come by. I did see one little Snow White in the grocery store and one child in a purple cape and hat (queen, maybe?) at Grandma’s assisted living place. Jason and Mittu stopped by the mall to see some of the kids dressed up there and then came over. It was a fun evening, but I’ll know not to buy candy next year, or at least a lot less!

Love notes….

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I was going through a box of baby books and other keepsakes which had been put in the closet of the sewing room, intending to organize the items and put them in the cedar chest, when I came across this note from Jason from some years ago.

I’m glad my family loves me despite the grumpy cide (kind? side?) of stuff. 🙂

Grandma

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I mentioned on Friday a difficult situation that had just arisen. Thankfully it seems to be resolved for now, but it involved my mother-in-law’s living situation.

Most of you know she is in an assisted living facility. She is in overall good health, no problems with blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol, heart issues, or any number of things that accompany aging. But she has been steadily declining in her ability to move: getting up from a chair, getting dressed, etc. She had been having trouble walking to dinner with her walker and had in fact not been going to the dining room for meals. The staff will bring her meal to her occasionally, but they don’t have enough staff to do that all the time, plus they want to encourage residents to get out and interact with others. At her last check-up, my husband asked her doctor if he’d prescribe a physical therapist to see if some work along those lines might help her. Some of the problem is due to aging (she’s 83), but we suspected some was due to disuse — the more she stayed in her chair without moving, the less she was able to move.

I came into her room last Thursday when the physical therapist happened to be there. He had already done his physical evaluation and was trying to fill out the paperwork: his Polish accent and Mom’s hearing problems were making it difficult, so I was thankful I arrived when I did and was able to answer some of his questions or help explain some of them to her.

My husband and I were both stunned when the assisted living owner/director called that Thursday evening after 5 p.m. to tell us that, based on the physical therapist’s report, Mom would either have to move to a nursing home that weekend or we would need to hire someone to stay with her at night. The major problem in his report was that he recommended that two people transfer her to her bed. her chair, etc., and the facility did not have enough staff for that, plus regulations decreed that in case of fire each resident needed to be able to vacate the building with one aide in under 13 minutes.

Well, one can’t make a decision about nursing homes in that short a time, plus we felt the PT’s further recommendations that Jim’s mom not attempt to walk with her walker, get into bed, get up from her chair, or use the restroom without calling an aide were going too far and would only further decrease her ability to move. We couldn’t do anything until the next day, so Thursday evening we felt definitely unsettled.

Jim was able to reach the PT the next day and to explain our concerns and the repercussions of his report. He agreed to meet with Jim over at his mom’s, and Jim was able to demonstrate to him and to the CNAs there that his mom could get up from her chair if given enough time (the CNAs, at least the ones there, agreed and said it is a problem sometimes that some want to rush her) and could walk once she got stable.

We think perhaps the problems in communication coupled with the fact that Jim’s mom gets very nervous and agitated when something new and unroutine happens may have contributed to her not “performing” very well during the PT’s first evaluation. He had recommended a two-person transfer because, when they were trying to transfer her from place to place, she wasn’t helping much at all in moving herself and, though she’s a small lady, as just a dead weight she was too heavy for one person. But she may not have understood what he wanted or that she was supposed to be putting forth effort as they moved her. The PT agreed to meet with Jim at his mom’s for another few sessions, and he agreed that she could walk on her own, though he recommended someone walk with her (he left a canvas belt there to put around her, and an aide can walk with her just holding the belt to keep her steady and have something to hold onto and help her up with if she starts to fall rather than just grasping slippery clothes). He still wants her to call for help in using the restroom, but overall he could see she could do more than he thought at first, and he’s working with her on trying to strengthen and limber up her muscles. Jim has attended these first few sessions both to help with the communication and to have a calming influence on his mom, but hopefully after this week they’ll be able to handle things on their own. The assisted living director is fine with all of this reevaluation: she just said that once she has a final report, if it indicates their facility can’t handle Mom’s needs then she would have to act.

So we’ve gotten a reprieve, at least. We’re thankful that the PT was willing to listen and work with the situation rather than being austere and authoritarian.

But even though we’re hoping for some improvement with PT, since she is 83, at some point she probably will need more care. We had already discussed the need to visit and evaluate some nursing homes even before this came up, and now we feel we need to go ahead and do that very soon. Since nursing homes are much more expensive and Jim is afraid they’re more clinical and less homey, we’ve also discussed the possibility of bringing her here and hiring home health care to help with things like showers (the assisted living place has people who do that). We have a spare room Jim and the boys made in the garage: that’s where Jason and Mittu stayed when they moved here and it was just barely put together. Jim has painted and done a little more finishing to it since then, but we need to carpet it, and, if she were going to stay there, put a toilet in it. We also need to find out what Medicare/Medicaid will do in either situation. She has some money from the sale of her home, but we want to parcel that out carefully so that it won’t run out before she passes away and to have some in case of hospitalization or illness in her last days.

In all honesty, I have to admit I am struggling with selfishness over what it would mean to “my” time and routine and the probable need to put aside other pursuits to have her live with us even with the help of an aide. But we just want what the Lord wants and will trust Him for grace for whatever the needs are. It may be that her care would be our primary ministry for a while. We just really need the Lord’s wisdom and direction as to what’s best for her.

I know some of you have walked this road before us. I appreciate your prayers.

Happy Birthday to Jesse!

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18 years ago yesterday, I was in the hospital laboring to give birth to our third child.

Expecting Jesse

That pic was before being induced!

We knew he was a big baby , but we were surprised he weighed in at 12 lbs.

Newborn Jesse

He’s been a smiley, cheerful guy most of his life.

Jesse's first birthday

I hope he always will be! It’s so hard to believe he is 18 already!

I meant to post this yesterday — but the day got too busy with other activities!

Jesse, I hope you had a wonderful birthday, and I pray you continue on growing not just in mind and body but in your relationship with your Creator and Savior as well. We love you immensely!

A Real Home

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I just rediscovered this in my files and thought I’d share it with you. I don’t remember where I first saw it: it says it came from the Yankee Kitchen Cookbook, 1969.

A Real Home

A Real Home is a gymnasium. The ideal of a healthy body is the first one to give a child.

A Real Home is a lighthouse. A lighthouse reveals the breakers ahead and shows a clear way past them.

A Real Home is a playground. Beware of the house where you “dassen’t frolic”–there mischief is brewing for someone.

A Real Home is a workshop. Pity the boy without a kit of tools or the girl without a sewing basket. They haven’t learned the fun of doing things, and there is no fun like it.

A Real Home is a forum. Honest, open discussion of life’s great problems belongs originally in the family circle.

A Real Home is a Secret Society. Loyalty to one’s family should mean keeping silent on family matters–just this and nothing more.

A Real Home is a Health Resort. Mothers are the natural physicians.

A Real Home is a cooperative league. Households flourish where the interest of each is made the interest of all.

A Real Home is a business concern. Order is a housewife’s hobby. But order without system is a harness without a horse.

A Real Home is a haven of refuge. The world does this for us all: it makes us hunger for a loving sympathy and a calming, soothing touch.

A Real Home is a Temple of Worship.

~Author unknown.

(Graphic courtesy of Graphic Garden)

Ups and Downs

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I’m borrowing this format from Bet.

UP: We had a great weekend celebrating Jeremy’s birthday. We went to Gatlinburg on Saturday and visited Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum, something the kids have wanted to do for a long time.

DOWN: I got stung or bitten by something while walking around Gatlinburg. I became aware of a piercing pain in my back and tried to shake whatever it was out of my dress (how it got from my past-knee-length dress to mid-back, I don’t know). It was red and painful for a while and then itched for several days, but it seems to be early gone now.

UP: I think we had a good blend of doing things and then just hanging around, relaxing and talking while Jeremy was here.

DOWN: Jeremy went back to RI yesterday.

I DON’T KNOW HOW TO CLASSIFY THIS ONE: Jesse passed his driving test yesterday, got his license, and took his first solo drive this morning, to school. UP, that he passed, that he’s taking another step toward independence and adulthood, that he can drive himself to school and activities, that he can run errands for me. 🙂 DOWN, that it’s scary, at least at first, and that he’s taking another step toward independence and adulthood because that’s another step towards leaving home.

UP: I resisted the urge to follow him and make sure he got to school okay.

I DON’T KNOW HOW TO CLASSIFY THIS ONE, EITHER: Today is the first day of the last year of high school of my last child at home. Senior year is exciting….but it’s the first of a year of lasts…

 

Happy Birthday to Jeremy…a day late!

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Jeremy's first birthday

 

Jeremy's first birthday cake

 

Jeremy's 27th birthday

Yesterday was Jeremy’s birthday, but we kind of celebrated the whole weekend. 🙂 I’m so glad he could be here for his birthday.

Hope it was a very happy one, Jeremy! I am so glad God sent you to us 27 years ago! You’ve been a wonderful blessing to us!

What do adults “owe” parents?

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Recently we watched “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?” The major issue in the film is interracial marriage, but that’s not what I want to discuss today (Roger Ebert has a great review of the film here.

Something that stood out to me was the speech Sidney Poitier’s character made to his father. His father is opposed to his son’s marrying a white woman, and when Poitier’s character tells his father to “shut up and let me think,” his father indignantly begins to list what he and his wife sacrificed for their son and what he owes them.

If I transcribed it correctly, the part that especially caught my ear and provided food for thought for several days was this:

I owe you nothing…You did what you were supposed to do because you brought me into this world, and from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me, just like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don’t own me. You can’t tell me when or where I am out of line or try to get me to live my life according to your rules….Not until your whole generation has lain down and died will the dead weight of you be off our backs…You’ve got to get off my back.

Admittedly, both characters were having pressured-filled days, and the son later softened his tone and professed his love for his father.

I don’t want to critique this from a Christian viewpoint because I know it wasn’t written that way, and there was fault of both sides in that scene, but for now I want to take this concept of what adult children “owe” their parents out of the context of the film and just ponder it.

Truly parents shouldn’t do what they do for children for “payback,” and neither should they hold it over their offsprings’ heads as a manipulation to do things their way out of guilt, though there may be times a little adjustment in the kids’ perspective is in order. There comes a time a man has to “leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife” (Genesis 2:24; Mark 10:7; Ephesians 5:31), to step out on his own as an adult, and come to his own convictions and rules.

But there are things we do owe parents even after we’re out of the home and out from under their direct authority.

Honor

The fifth of the ten commandments was not given only to children: “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.” We usually apply it to children, but children aren’t specified in that passage. Even when we’re out from under a parent’s direct authority, we’re still to honor them. Even if they’re not everything they ought to be (who among us is?), we’re still to honor them.

Respect

This is perhaps a part of honor. Leviticus 19:32 says, “Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD,” and Proverbs 16:31 says, “The hoary head is a crown of glory, if it be found in the way of righteousness.” Proverbs 23:22 says, “Hearken unto thy father that begat thee, and despise not thy mother when she is old.” I wrote some thoughts about this a while back here. Society today does not  value the elderly much, but in God’s economy we’re to greatly respect them. But the tenor of Scripture indicates respect of parents even before they get to be “elderly” — you can’t read far through Proverbs especially without picking up on that attitude.

A Hearing

The book of Proverbs is a father’s instruction to his son, except for the last chapter which is a mother’s instruction. I don’t know that all of that instruction is aimed at a minor child. Other places in the Bible, as well, urge us to listen to advice, instruction, and even rebuke from those who are wiser and more mature than we are, and parents should surely be among the first we’d listen to, because they know us best and are the most interested, usually, in our well-being and outcome. Again, not every parent’s every piece of advice is going to be on target, but it shouldn’t be dismissed out of hand: it should at least be given a fair hearing and then evaluated in light of God’s Word and prayer.

Appreciation

Honestly, I can’t think of a Bible verse for this one, but if gratitude and appreciation for what others have done are good character traits, they should certainly be applied to parents. I’ve written before about how children don’t fully understand what’s been done for them until they’re older, usually when they have children of their own. Even now that I am in my 50s and my mother has passed away, there are new realizations sometimes of things she went through, and I can’t tell her now that I understand and appreciate it, but I hope she knows.

Care

In I Timothy 5:1-15, Paul instructs the younger pastor Timothy in how the church should care for the widows in its number, and he says in verse 4, “But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God.” Jesus called out the Pharisees and scribes for allowing people to give to them what should have gone to care of parents.

Then of course, there are the Biblical “one anothers” that should govern Christians’ interaction with each other. Sometimes, sadly, we neglect those most with those closest to us.

Parents are fallible people. They’re not always on target; sometimes they might be a little out of touch. Sometimes they’re out and out wrong — I came from a non-Christian home and have written before about having to learn to respect my parents out of obedience to God even when they were doing things I couldn’t respect. On the other hand, sometimes teen or adult kids think a parent is a little too free with unsolicited advice when that advice is something they really need to hear. Parents shouldn’t nag and manipulate; kids shouldn’t ignore and disrespect. Sometimes parents do have to pull back and let their children make and learn from their own mistakes, but sometimes a parent’s advice will save a son or daughter from a serious problems and heartache. It’s a delicate balance. But if those involved are seeking the Lord’s best, He will help them find that balance and best way of interacting, and even if only one side is actively seeking to honor Him in their dealings, He will aid them.