About Barbara Harper

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Old Age Syndromes to Avoid

Posted on May 26, 2024 by Barbara Harper

In our early married days, I worked in a fabric shop where we had a variety of customers of all ages. Among older ladies, there seemed to be two distinct types. One was very sweet, thankful for any little thing we did to assist them. The other was . . . not sweet.

I remember thinking, “I hope I am the nice kind of older lady when I get that age.”

At some point it dawned on me that if I wanted certain attributes when I got older, I needed to incorporate them while I was young.

“Old” always seems twenty to thirty years beyond my current age. But I am older, and I don’t know that I am yet the kind of older lady I want to be or should be. We’re all a work in progress, no matter how long we’ve lived.

But as I have been around the block a few times, I’ve seen some behaviors I want to avoid.

The “Know it All” Syndrome. When we’ve read the Bible and walked with the Lord for decades, hopefully we’ve acquired some wisdom along the way. But we misuse it if we try to answer most of the questions in Bible Study or Sunday School or feel we have to have the last word that sets everyone straight.

I’ve struggled with this recently. Bible teachers want participation. But I don’t want to monopolize the conversation. Yet I do want to share if I have something helpful to say. I’ve started praying before class that God would give me wisdom to know when to share and when to be silent.

The “We’ve Always Done It This Way” Syndrome. Every new generation brings with it new vocabulary, new technology, new methods. Older people can help younger ones discern between new methods and old truth and try to keep the latter from sliding into oblivion, but we shouldn’t insist that everything be done the way we always did it (or gripe when it isn’t).

The Busybody Syndrome. Busybodies can be any age. Paul is speaking of young widows when he speaks of “idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not” (1 Timothy 5:13). But older women can tend this way, too.

Many years ago, an older lady in our church at the time told one young mom of seven that she was having too many children too close together. She told another young married lady, who, with her husband, wanted to wait until he was out of school before starting a family, that she needed to get busy and start having children. You can imagine that both women were hurt and offended. I am sure that was not the older woman’s intent and that she thought she was helping others with the benefit of her accumulated wisdom. But she overstepped. Before sharing advice, we need to seek the Lord about whether it is really needed and how and when it should be shared.

Gossip Syndrome can also occur at any age or gender, but it’s something Paul specifically mentions in Titus 2 when speaking of the commendable kind of older woman. She’s not to be a “slanderer”–other translations say “gossiper” or “false accuser.” Slander can involve saying things that are untrue about someone else. Gossip can be untrue but seems to include spreading things around that may be true but aren’t anyone else’s business. The Bible has much to say about right and wrong uses of our words.

The Old Wives’ Tales Syndrome. The KJV and a few other Bible versions mention these in 1 Timothy 4:7: “But refuse profane and old wives’ fables, and exercise thyself rather unto godliness.” Other versions, like the ESV, leave out the “old wives” part and just say, “Have nothing to do with irreverent, silly myths. Rather train yourself for godliness.”

This overlaps gossip a bit, but “old wives’ tales” or fables often seem to involve health issues or warnings that aren’t based on fact. These days, they take the form of urban legends. When we were expecting our first child, someone told us not to get a cat because cats can suck a baby’s breath away. When my husband responded skeptically, the woman teared up because she was just trying to “help” us.

I see a version of this when people share dire warnings on FaceBook without fact-checking “just in case” it’s true. Some people do this so often, it’s like the old story of the “boy who cried wolf”: people don’t take the sharer seriously any more. Once again, we need to be careful of sharing falsehoods and unnecessarily scaring people. It’s usually easy these days to search online and find out the facts before we share.

The “Good Old Days” Syndrome. When we look back, our younger days can seem idyllic. We tend to forget or gloss over the negative aspects of certain eras. It’s not wrong to talk about some of the changes that have occurred over our lives or share history we’ve experienced. But we shouldn’t live in the past. We need to be alert for the good gifts God put in our present time as well.

The “I’ve Done My Time” Syndrome. I hear of women who are still teaching VBS or serving in the church kitchen well into their nineties. Good for them. 🙂 Many of us lose a certain amount of oomph over the years and can’t do all we used to. I wrote posts a few years ago on Why Older Women Don’t Serve and How Older Women Can Serve. We’re always in the Lord’s service as long as we live, but how we serve will probably change over the years. We shouldn’t have the mindset of checking out of active service. We might not be plugged into an official church ministry, but we can still minister to people by walking closely with God and being alert for opportunities to listen, giving a word of encouragement, praying, sending a note, etc.

It’s good to not only look at what to avoid, but what to emulate. Godly older women are to be “reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good” (Titus 2:3). They have “a reputation for good works: if she has brought up children, has shown hospitality, has washed the feet of the saints, has cared for the afflicted, and has devoted herself to every good work” (1 Timothy 5:10).

Thankfully, in every stage of life, God has placed godly women just ahead of me to observe and learn from.

Instead of gossip, slander, and fables, we share truth. Instead of showing off our accumulated knowledge, we humbly seek God’s timing to share His truth. We hold fast to truth but stay flexible about methods where we can. Instead of tearing down, we build up and encourage. Instead of being busybodies or folding inward towards self, we take kind interest in others and seek to serve however He opens doors.

May God give us grace to walk with Him and serve Him and others well at every stage of life.

Revised from the archives

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Laudable Linkage

Posted on May 25, 2024 by Barbara Harper

There was quite a bit of good reading posted this week:

The Power of Prayer, HT to Challies. “Sometimes, to protect a passage of scripture from the abuses it receives from those who twist it, we add so many qualifications that we eliminate not only the false teaching but also the profound truth it communicates. We find one such passage in the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus says, ‘Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you (Matt. 7:7).'”

The Missing Years, HT to Challies. “We were preparing for our daughter’s wedding when she called me one day in a slight panic, ‘Mom, I have no pictures of myself from 2009-2011! What happened?’ ‘What happened’ was, I was in the “desert years’- both literally and spiritually.” This is a lovely piece of writing as well as a comforting truth that God can redeem our “desert years.”

Too Much Times, HT to Challies. “Everyone experiences what I call Too Much Times,’ perfect storms where our most demanding challenges meet our most significant weaknesses and can lead to our lowest moments. Too Much Times are days, weeks, or whole years marked by too many demands, responsibilities, and burdens and not enough internal and external resources to keep all the balls in the air.”

On a Christian Approach to Education. “A materialistic worldview reduces education according to its usefulness in the here and now. But as Christians, we walk by faith and not by sight. We believe in the ‘deeper magic,’ the unseen things that are often more true than the seen things.”

Counseling Children Who Have Already Professed Faith in Christ. “I asked my children if they had any prayer requests. One of them responded, ‘Daddy, pray for me, that I would believe in Jesus and be a Christian.’ This wasn’t the first time that my son has mentioned this request. Like many children who’ve grown up in a Christian home, my son professed faith in Christ at an early age. But, like so many other young people who profess faith early, he struggles with doubts.”

Raising a Leader: 3 Leadership Qualities Your Kids Need. “Regardless of our personal style or our leadership resume, as mothers, we sit in the seat of influence with our kids. How we respond to their initiative, their creativity, and their all-pervasive energy in our home goes a long way in defining our children’s confidence.”

You Are an Influencer, HT to Challies. I appreciated this thoughtful, reasonable take on influencing, curating, and social media.

Don’t Complain; Be the Light. “Instead of moaning about the darkness, look to the light. The solution to a dark, crooked, perverse generation is not to complain and argue with them, but to keep being the light. To keep on being pure and blameless and harmless. To keep living in your identity as a child of God.”

Going to the Party. “Christians faced with terminal illness or imminent death often feel they’re leaving the party before it’s over. They have to go home early. They’re disappointed, thinking of all they’ll miss when they leave. But the truth is, the real party is underway at home—precisely where they’re going. They’re not the ones missing the party; those of us left behind are. (Fortunately, if we know Jesus, we’ll get there eventually.)”

Monday, the US celebrates Memorial Day to honor those who have died in the service of their country. On Sunday evenings before Memorial Day, I enjoy watching the National Memorial Day Concert to be reminded of what this day means.

Our debt to the heroic men and valiant women in the service of our country
can never be repaid. They have earned our undying gratitude.
– President Harry S. Truman

We take this day to mourn for those
Who suffered fates of ills and woes,
For those who fought until the death,
Who gave this nation their last breath.
To these passed on—we now salute.
Their legend we will ne’er dispute,
And as they sleep let us bestow
The highest honor that we know.

Author Unknown

Friday’s Fave Five

Posted on May 24, 2024 by Barbara Harper

This month is just speeding by. I’m pausing for a few moments with Susanne and friends at Living to Tell the Story to remember and be thankful for the good things of the week.

1. Spaghetti fundraiser. A group of families in our church is going on a mission trip this summer and hosted a spaghetti dinner fundraiser after church last Sunday. It was nice to have dinner taken care of and have some time to fellowship.

2. End-of-fourth-grade celebration. Jason and Mittu invited us over to celebrate the end of Timothy’s school year with homemade Chicago-style pizza, salad, garlic bread, and a chocolate pudding/cream cheese/whipped topping dessert..

3. Dinner offering. Jason and Mittu had to cancel plans with another family because Timothy got sick. But they already had a bunch of food in the crock pot. So Jason texted, “Don’t make dinner! We’ll bring some over at 6.” I was sorry Timothy wasn’t feeling well but happy to receive food.

4. A light cooking week. With the meals mentioned above, plus getting Subway one night and Chick-Fil-A another, I’ve had an unplanned mini-vacation from the kitchen this week.

5. Jim’s routine colonoscopy went well. No problems reported.

A short but sweet list. How was your week?

Review: For a Lifetime

Posted on May 23, 2024 by Barbara Harper

For a Lifetime is Gabrielle Meyer’s hot-off-the-press third book in her Timeless series about time crossers.

In this series of novel, a time crosser is one who lives in two timelines. They live in one period of history, and when they go to sleep, they wake up in a different time without any loss of time between. When they go to sleep again, they wake up back in the first time as the very next day, going back and forth. They all bear a sunburst birthmark that marks them as time crossers, some over their heart, some on the back of their heads. The ones with the head marking have until their twenty-fifth birthday to decide which time they want to live the rest of their lives in. If they knowingly try to change history at all, they’ll forfeit their lives in that time period.

In this book, the time crossers are twin girls, Faith and Hope. One of their timelines is in Salem Village, Massachusetts, in 1692, just before the Salem witch trials begin. The twins are twenty-four, working at their father’s tavern and restaurant. They never knew their mother, having been told she died in childbirth. Their father is harsh and distant, treating them more like servants than daughters.

Their second timeline in in 1912, where Grace is a journalist and Hope is a beginning aviatrix in New York. Their mother in this timeline is a time crosser as well (from the previous book) and lives in Washington DC, where her husband had been a Pinkerton agent during the Civil War and then helped start the Secret Service.

The young women have both decided to stay in 1912 on their twenty-fifth birthdays. Hope thinks they should change history in 1692 so they can go ahead and stay in 1912. Grace thinks the risks are too great–one change could cause a catastrophe.

Grace is dutiful, thoughtful, kind, and level-headed. Hope is adventurous, strong-willed, and prefers acting to thinking.

In 1912, one of Grace’s articles exposed an owner of shirtwaist factories for his unsafe practices which resulted in a serious fire. He struck back by trying to buy the building her parents rented for their orphanage, offering three times the amount the building was worth. Grace wants to confront him, but her father warns that it’s unsafe. So they try to find another way to raise the money to purchase the orphanage themselves.

Also in 1912, Hope is attracted to her flying instructor, well-known aviator Lucas Voland. But he wants to keep their relationship professional. When she introduces Luc to Grace, they instantly dislike each other.

In 1692, Grace is attracted to a neighboring farmer named Isaac, but he only has eyes for Hope. Hope, however, wants nothing to do with him.

In 1912, Grace once looked up a history book about the Salem witch trials and saw, to her horror, that she was said to have accused Hope of being a witch. Grace shut the book and didn’t look up any more information about it. She didn’t tell anyone, and has no intention of accusing Hope–she doesn’t see how such a thing could ever be.

Meanwhile, some young girls are said to be “afflicted,” experiencing convulsions and complaining of being pinched, etc. They accuse a few women in the village of afflicting them. Thus the hysteria begins.

The Salem witch trials are not my favorite time in history to read about. They seem a blight not only on American history, but on church history. The lack of common sense, much less spiritual sense, among the leadership in the village is troubling. If this account is true, if anyone challenged to accusations, then they became a target.

But it was interesting to read how Grace, Hope, and Isaac dealt with life under such situations.

Plus I didn’t like Hope much as first. She seemed immature and selfish. But part of her story arc includes her realizing that about herself.

I had thought, with twins being the main characters, that the major conflict would go one particular direction. It didn’t appear to go the way I was thinking at first until a major, shocking, unexpected plot twist occurred. My interest in the book increased after that.

I listened to the audiobook, nicely read by Rachel Botchan. Happily, this audiobook did include the author’s historical notes at the end. She had ancestors on both sides of the Salem trials, sparking her interest. Her research shows that some of the afflicted girls probably had some form of mental illness, which would not have been understood at the time. But others took advantage of the hysteria. She said the reasons for the hysteria were many and complicated.

She also said both Grace’s and Hopes characters in 1912 were inspired by Harriet Quimby, who was both a journalist and flyer, the first woman to fly across the English Channel. (if you’re interested in reading this book, I would hold off reading about Harriet, or you might get some spoilers.)

I loved how everything ended up in both timelines. There are a number of themes in this book, but one that stood out to me was that God often works the most in our lives through circumstances that we did not want.

Song of Solomon

Posted on May 22, 2024 by Barbara Harper

Long-time readers know that I have been using Warren Wiersbe’s “Be” commentaries as companions on my current trek through the Bible. I thought he had written one for every book of the Bible. But when I came to the Song of Solomon, I couldn’t find a corresponding “Be” commentary for it. I searched all the titles. Since SoS is a smaller book, I figured its commentary was probably tucked in with another book’s. But I looked at the table of contents for all the Be books I thought it might be included with, and didn’t see it.

Then I found The Bible Exposition Commentary: Wisdom and Poetry by Wiersbe which covered Job through Song of Solomon. I found a used copy online for $3.99, so I went ahead and got it. As it turns out, the Bible Exposition Commentary series is made up of Wiersbe’s “Be” commentaries. The part dealing with SoS is only about eleven pages.

The subtitle of Song of Solomon says “The Song of Songs, which is Solomon’s.” Both Wiersbe and the ESV Study Bible notes say this means something like “the greatest of songs”—similar wording used in King of kings and Holy of holies.

There are a number of different ways to interpret SoS. Wiersbe thinks Solomon is the bridegroom in the book. The ESV notes say it’s more likely that the book was written in Solomon’s honor or during his reign, but the bridegroom in the story is a shepherd. Both sources also disagree on when exactly in the book the couple marries. But neither of these are major factors in understanding the book.

They do agree that, to some extent, the book is an allegory of God’s love for His people (Ephesians 5:31-21 also says marriage pictures Christ and the church), and on another level it’s a celebration of married love.

While the Song of Solomon illustrates the deepening love we can have with Christ, we must be careful not to turn the story into an allegory and make everything mean something. All things are possible to those who allegorize—and what they come up with is usually heretical.

It’s almost laughable to read some of the ancient commentaries (and their modern imitators) and see how interpreters have made Solomon say what they want him to say. The language of love is imaginative and piles one image on top of another to convey its message. But to make the bride’s breasts represent the two ordinances, or the garden stand for the local church, or the voice of the turtledove mean the Holy Spirit speaking, is to obscure if not destroy the message of the book. Other texts in the Bible may support the ideas expressed by these fanciful interpreters, but their ideas didn’t come from what Solomon wrote (p. 542).

(I love that line—“All things are possible to those who allegorize.” 🙂 )

There are different speakers in the book: the shepherd, shepherdess, and a chorus of others, often referred to as the daughters of Jerusalem. Thankfully, the editors of the ESV and most other modern versions puzzled out who was speaking when and provided us with designations.

We follow the bride and groom through various troubles (she doesn’t open her door to him one night and regrets it, then goes searching for him), deepening love, marriage, and admiring descriptions of each other

Both sources give helpful details in understanding the text. For instance, the bride is compared to a “mare among Pharaoh’s chariots”–but that probably means “the best of its kind,” not that she looked like a horse. Wiersbe says of some of the other descriptions of the bride in Chapter 4:

Doves’ eyes would reflect peace and depth. The bride’s teeth were clean, even beautiful. When you remember that ancient peoples didn’t quite understand dental hygiene, this was an admirable trait. Healthy teeth would also affect her breath (7:8). She had a queenly neck and a posture with it that exuded control, power, and stability. She was a tower of strength! (p. 546).

Another comment that stood out to me came from 2:10, 13), where the bridegroom says, “Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.”

“Come” is the great word of the Gospel of God’s grace. It is God’s loving invitation to the weary who need rest (Matt. 11:28-30), the sin-stained who need cleansing (Isa. 1:18), the hungry who need nourishment (Luke 14:17), and all who thirst for the water of life (Rev. 22:17). But “come” is also His invitation to His own people: “Come and see” (John 1:39), “Come and drink” (John 7:37-38), “Come and dine” (John 21:12). In this text, the king invited his beloved to leave her home and work and go with him to enjoy an adventure in the country (p. 544).

Chapter 2:3-4 says, “As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. With great delight I sat in his shadow, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.
He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love.” Elizabeth Poston wrote a beautiful song based on this passage called “Jesus Christ the Apple Tree:

The first time I read SoS, which was probably in high school, I was surprised that it contained some graphic phrases and images. The Bible is often quite frank about the body and its functions.

In early married years, I was comforted by SoS. Growing up even in an unchurched family, about all I heard about sex growing up was “DON’T.” This book and passages like Hebrews 13:4 (“Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge,” NKJV) helped me understand that God created sexual love to be enjoyed by a husband and wife.

In his last couple of paragraphs, Wiersbe acknowledged the difficulty of preaching or teaching Song of Solomon in such a hyper-sexualized society as we have these days. He advised its use in premarital or marital counseling. He closed by saying:

In using this book in public ministry, we must be wise as serpents and harmless as doves and not allow our good works to be classified as evil. Some people are against anything in the pulpit that deals with sex, while others wonder where they can get the help that they desperately need. Wise is the minister and teacher who can keep the right balance (p. 550).

It had been a long while since I read Song of Solomon. It was a blessing to spend time there again, aided by the ESV Study Bible and Wiersbe’s commentary.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Review: Yours Is the Night

Posted on May 21, 2024 by Barbara Harper

In Yours Is the Night by Amanda Dykes, Matthew Petticrew grows up with his sister on a racetrack in New York in the early 1900s until the father who never claimed them sent them away. Matthew’s sister, Celia, was sent to nursing school, Matthew to be a groom at the stables of Harvard University.

When Matthew travels with some Harvard boys to Plattsburg Training Camp to deliver horses, a chance meeting with his childhood hero, Jasper Truett, one of Theodore Roosevelt’s Rough Riders, changes his life.

Matthew and three acquaintances are sent to the Argonne forest for more wood to reinforce the trenches.

One of the men, George Piccadilly, is a Brit whose parents had sent him to Harvard to get a divinity degree to avoid having to fight in the first World War. However, through a series of events, he ends up at Plattsburg Training Camp . He has no use for religion but somehow ends up a chaplain. His joviality and Matthew’s seriousness don’t seem like they would mix, but George sticks close to Matthew because he looks like he would know how to survive. Plus George thinks he can lighten Matthew up a bit.

The last acquaintance is Henry Mueller, a bookish young man who was recruited as a fresh-faced, boy-next-door to write for the newspaper about the war under the pen name Hank Jones.

As they gather wood, they hear a woman singing. George dubs her the Angel of Argonne. And then one night they meet her in person at the freshly dug grave of her grandfather.

Mireilles, called Mira, grew up with her father and grandfather in the Argonne. When the war came crashing into their quiet lives, Mira’s father went to fight. Now her grandfather is gone, too.

The men feel they can’t leave her alone in her forest home so near the front lines. But they don’t want to send her out alone, either. They obtain permission to accompany her to her nearest relative’s house.

The journey will change each of them.

It took me longer to get into this book than Amanda’s previous book, Whose Waves These Are. The point of view shifts back and forth between Matthew, George, Hank, Jasper, and Mira. It took a little while to get them all sorted out. Plus there was a lot of bickering between George, whose character I didn’t really like at first, and the other two younger men. It was understandable, even funny at times. But not my favorite.

But at some point, everything clicked into place. The last few chapters were just beautiful. I loved the ending. Right after finishing, I went back and reread the first few chapters, understanding them better.

The prologue and epilogue tell of the choice of a casket for the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. In the author’s notes, Amanda tells of visiting the tomb on the centennial anniversary year and how much the symbolism meant to her. She writes that she did not mean to fictionalize the unknown soldier, but “His anonymity allows him to represent the countless ones who never came home. . . . I hope that only respect, gratitude, and a fierce guarding of the real soldier’s true story—untouched by this imagined one—is found in these pages.”

Some of the other quotes I liked:

That burning justice is a gift. . . . But you be sure and save it for where it’s needed. Some battles aren’t battles after all (p. 23, Kindle app).

I understood the way words can shape hearts. Evade the creation of mobs and fear, and instill a home-front army of citizens armed with hope (p. 65).

The sky rumbled like only the earth should, and the earth bled like only people should, and people—people lived and died like nobody, ever, should (p. 151).

War happens. We help. It’s what we do. Not one of us can fix this whole mess, but maybe we can help this one moment (p. 151).

Men of few words, I was realizing, said much with their silence over here (p. 174).

“The matches . . . they are hope.” They are hope. The three words socked the air from me. Bringers of hope . . . creators of light from dark, when struck on hard places (p. 178).

It’s not mine to change what has happened . . . I cannot. It is mine to walk through what will come (p. 181).

There are none who can undo the past. But there is one who will carry the pain of it. He knows too well the sting of injustice. No, more than that. The blood of it. But with it, He bears the scars of his own injustice with the same hands that carry me now (p. 182).

Her brother was a thoughtful speaker, one who weighed his words and chose few of them to speak, ones that seemed always to carry so much in their depths. His sister seemed to do just the opposite—speak her words, then catch them and consider them, then say more words to explain. As if she were swimming in them, and happily so (p. 195).

What if what we believe to be our shortcomings, our oddities, are actually purposeful quirks that suit us for the moments we were made for? (p. 257).

Though I loved Whose Waves These Are more, I came to enjoy this book quite a lot as well. I’m a fan of Amanda’s writing and eager to read more of her books.

Supposing

Posted on May 19, 2024 by Barbara Harper

I was shocked a few years ago when someone I respected urged her kids to make fun of a couple in a restaurant who were looking at their phones instead of interacting with each other.

Much has been written about the way our devices are intruding themselves into our lives. That’s a concern, no question about it.

But seeing a couple at a table using their phones doesn’t necessarily mean they are ignoring each other. Perhaps they’ve been traveling together, talking while on the road. Maybe they’ve been doing yard work all day, and this is their first chance to rest and check their messages or email.

One word stood out to me in a recent Sunday School lesson: the word “supposed.” In Acts 21-22, Paul inadvertently started a riot, twice. Why? People “supposed” that Paul had brought a Gentile man into the temple. That might not sound like anything to start a riot about to us. But in that day and time, Gentiles were not allowed into the temple.

The mob grabbed Paul, dragged him out of the temple, started beating him, and sought to kill him. They stopped beating Paul only when the Roman tribune came. The tribune couldn’t get a straight answer about what the problem was, so he took Paul away. Paul actually had to be carried part of the way because of the mob.

All because of a supposition.

Granted, the Jewish people were primed to suspect Paul. He had been sharing the gospel with Gentiles. He taught that Christ fulfilled the law in our place because we never could. Nowhere did he teach against the law and the temple, as they asserted. But because people didn’t take time to find out the facts, they turned into a mob at a supposition.

We see similar virtual mobs and “cancellations” on social media these days. People grab onto one rumor or build up a whole scenario based on one piece of news, and there’s just no reasoning with them.

But even if we don’t join the mob, we can be guilty of silently judging people in our hearts. The couple on their phones. The fans of the candidate we don’t like. The person with a different view of masks and the pandemic. The person who cut us off in traffic. The friend who walked by without acknowledging us.

We even carry suppositions into our homes: when we hear a crash and see our son with a bat, when our teenager comes in past curfew, when our husband leaves a mess on the counter. If we’re not careful, tempers flare and we react based on our assumptions. Then we create even more problems: we hurt the feelings of our loved ones if we assumed wrong and we make them defensive if we accuse them.

How can we avoid or combat “supposing?”

Ask or research. A lot of our supposing and the judgments that result would be eliminated if we acknowledged that most of the time, we don’t know the whole story. We can’t see people’s hearts, thoughts, or motives. “The one who gives an answer before he listens — this is foolishness and disgrace for him.” (Proverbs 18:13, CSB). The New Testament reinforces this truth in James 1:19: “My beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”

I was struck some years ago when a visiting preacher at church spoke about God’s questioning Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden after they sinned. He knew where they were, why they were hiding, and what they had done. So why did He ask them? This preacher suggested it was to disarm them and give them a chance to process what they had done. When we accuse, people become defensive.

When the matter is personal, we should ask the other person what happened instead of assuming.

If the matter is something online or in the community, we should make sure we know the facts before we jump in. We should also ask ourselves if the matter is any of our business.

Give the benefit of the doubt. A former pastor said that when the Bible tells us love “believes all things, hopes all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7), another way we could say it is that love cherishes the best expectations of others. We shouldn’t assume the worst. Early in our married lives, I told my husband that when he left stuff out, I felt like I was being treated like a maid. He said he wasn’t leaving things out with the expectation that I was supposed to pick them up: he either forgot or overlooked them or ran out of time.

Don’t share unless necessary. When we share our assumptions, whether online or to our friends, we need to consider two things. If what we assume is not true, we’re spreading lies. And even if our assumption is true, do we really need to share it? What’s our motive? Do we want to defame the person involved, or stir up negative feelings against him? Do we want to feel superior or “in the know?” There are times it’s necessary to discuss others’ wrongdoing, but we need to be cautious.

Treat others as we want to be treated. “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 7:12). We’ve all been misjudged at times. We need to remember what that feels like and let it motivate us not to misjudge others.

Remember we reap what we sow. In Matthew 7:2, Jesus said, “For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.” His previous statement is “Judge not, that you be not judged.” We often stop at the first phrase: judge not. This is a passage that is highly misunderstood. Jesus wasn’t saying we’re never to evaluate what people do and decide if it’s right or wrong. We’re called to discernment throughout the Bible. But we’re to be careful, because how we judge is how we’ll be judged.

Take care of our own faults first. The next verses in Matthew share an ironic, almost humorous picture of someone with a big log in his own eye trying to take the speck out of his brother’s eye. We do the same thing some times when we pick at others while we ignore our own sins and faults.

That little word “supposed” was a rebuke to my spirit and a reminder to be careful with assumptions.

Have you ever been misjudged? Do you find yourself sometimes making wrong assumptions about others? What helps you remember to evaluate fairly and kindly?

Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. James 1:19

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Laudable Linkage

Posted on May 18, 2024 by Barbara Harper

I have just a few good reads to share this week:

God is SO Good! “It is a vice—not a virtue—to add to Scripture’s rules our own ascetic prohibitions: “Do not handle, Do not taste, Do not touch,” and “Do not marry” (Colossians 2:21; 1 Timothy 4:3). Such rules may appear to be ‘super holy,’ but they are an offense to God, substituting legalism for the simplicity of the gospel. They deny the very pleasures God created us to enjoy.”

We Are Standing on Holy Ground. “It’s so sweet to walk into a church and know that God’s people are gathered for worship. Of course He is near. A holy moment. But isn’t it a holy moment, too, when you are sitting in a doctor’s office, holding hands with your faithful wife, enduring the bad news with faith? As believers we tread on holy ground in every school building, nursing home, leafy forest floor, and in every possible scenario we could dream up. Isn’t it just so thrilling to know that when we praise Him He is near, and when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, there too, there especially, He is wrapping us up in His presence. Carrying us. Seeing us through. Never leaving, never forsaking.”

Who Can Understand Sin? Deep Mercy for our Dark Insanity, HT to Challies. “As Christians, we have all looked at ourselves and felt sorrow over sin. But have we ever deeply considered why we do it in the first place? Why do we sin?”

God Will Give Us More Than We Can Handle—But Not More Than He Can, , HT to Challies. “The sufferer may object, head shaking and hands up. But you insist, ‘Look, seriously, the Bible promises God won’t ever give you more in life than you can handle.’ There it is—conventional wisdom masquerading as biblical truth. You’ve promised what the Bible never does.”

Our Skewed View of Wealth, HT to Challies. “These case studies show how money is a litmus test of our true character and our spiritual life. If this is true of all people in all ages, doesn’t it have a special application to us who live in a time and nation of unparalleled affluence where the ‘poverty level’ exceeds the average standard of living of nearly every other society in human history, past or present?” This was especially poignant to me since I just read a novel discussing wealth, All My Secrets by Lynn Austin.

Bad Therapy, HT to Challies. “To become a lover of pleasure is to prioritise ‘feel good’ throughout life. We want to feel good, and we want others to feel good too. This is the ethic. We abandon a moral view of reality in which there is a good and right way, outside ourselves, to which we should train ourselves and our children to live up to. All that matters is feeling okay. This is therapy culture.” This has devastating effects on child discipline, as the author shows.

When You’re at Your Wit’s End. “When he was at his wits’ end, he was not at his faith’s end.”

The end result of all Bible study is worship--Warren Wiersbe

“The end result of all Bible study is worship,
and the end result of all worship is service to the God we love.”
–Warren Wiersbe, With the Word

Friday’s Fave Five

Posted on May 17, 2024 by Barbara Harper

Just like that, we’re halfway through May already. It’s time to pause with Susanne and friends at Living to Tell the Story to look back over the blessings of the past week.

1. Mother’s Day. My family always makes me feel extra-special that day. Mittu made a Mother’s Day breakfast of quiche, potatoes, and muffins, and Jason brought it over the night before. It was so nice to just heat up Sunday morning breakfast, plus it was enough for Monday’s breakfast as well.

After church, Jim grilled burgers, hot dogs, and sausage. The kids contributed sides, and Jason made Chocolate Pretzel Pie.

I received flowers, thoughtful gifts, and sweet cards. We FaceTimed with Jeremy. It was a great day.

2. Unexpected funny moments. When I opened Jim’s card, the inside had a series of flaps with little messages. He signed what he thought was the last space, but it looked to me like that was another flap. I lifted it up, and the card started loudly belting out a song titled “Some Kind of Wonderful.” It surprised us all, even Jim—he hadn’t known it was a musical card. We all had a good laugh.

3. Aurora Borealis, or the Northern Lights, were visible over much of the US last weekend. We only saw a faint purplish-pink glow one night. But friends around town posted on Facebook photos where they saw a variety of colors and streaks. It was really neat to see something like that—I never thought I would.

4. Plants. Last Saturday, Jim and I shopped for plants for hanging baskets and planters. I was astonished at how expensive some of those things had gotten! But we did find some lower-priced options. It’s so nice to see the hanging baskets outside the windows and to have the planters cleaned up and looking nice.

5. A quiet week. We’ve had absolutely nothing extra this week since Sunday. I enjoy our church Bible study, critique group, family outings and such—but it’s nice and restful sometimes to have a free and quiet week.

And that wraps up another week. How was yours?

Review: All My Secrets

Posted on May 15, 2024 by Barbara Harper

In Lynn Austin’s Gilded Age novel, All My Secrets, one of the wealthiest men in America has just died. The Stanhopes were contemporaries of New York’s elite families, like the Vanberbilts, Astors, and Van Burens.

Arthur Benton Stanhope III, known as A. B., was only forty-six when he passed. At the reading of his will, his mother, Junietta, wife Sylvia, and daughter Adelaide, or Addy, all found out that the original Arthur Stanhope had written his will in such a way that the Stanhope business and the bulk of the family money could only be passed down to the closest male heir. A small trust was left for Sylvia and Addy, but it was not as large as it might have been if the investments had the expected time to grow. But with a little economy, and perhaps the sale of the family yacht, they should manage fine.

Such economic measures, however, would send them toppling from the pinnacle of society they enjoyed. That was fine with Junietta. But Sylvia’s position and reputation as a hostess were her life. Sylvia decided the best thing they could do was find acceptable suitors to discreetly introduce Addy to in the hope that she might marry well before their financial state became too dire.

Addy didn’t like the idea of marrying a man for his money or feeling like a bargaining chip. Her mother assured her the choice was hers, and she wanted her to be happy. But Addy felt duty-bound to do everything in her power to keep the only home she had ever known in the family for her mother’s sake. Addy herself, didn’t want anything to change more than it had to.

Junietta thought their palatial home was a monstrosity. It had more rooms than they could ever possibly use. Addy had gotten lost in them as a child. The rooms they did inhabit were too large, their decorations overdone. The money expended on their balls and dinner parties could feed other families for weeks. Their contemporaries were gossipy rivals more than friends.

Junietta was more or less trapped in her marriage, but she wants Addy to know she has choices. Will Addy ever warm to the idea that the excessive wealth they are used to is wasteful, that there are better ways to live? Or would Addy write her grandmother off as eccentric? Junietta was going to have to reveal some of the secrets of her past that changed her own views. Would she have time to, before her erratic heart gave out?

I enjoyed this book a lot. I don’t see many novels set in this era, so it was fun to experience that time. Junietta’s secrets were revealed gradually in flashbacks, eventually prompting Sylvia to share secrets of her own. I enjoyed the characters and the natural way the faith element was woven in. The author makes sure to emphasize that being rich is not a sin in itself, and being poor is not inherently virtuous. But we’re all stewards of what we’ve been given.

But the book isn’t just about stewardship. It also involves loss, love, grief, life choices, forgiveness, and more.

In a fun coincidence, my oldest son visited the Marble House in RI with friends. It was built by William Vanderbilt for his wife, Alva, and started off the “summer cottage” fad among the elite (the “cottages” being 50+ rooms rather than what we think of as a cottage). The day after my son told us about his visit to this house, it came up in this book.

I enjoyed the audiobook, nicely read by Sarah Zimmerman. As usual, the audio version did not contain any of the author’s notes at the end, but I found some of that information in an interview with the author here.

I wished that the author had included an epilogue. The characters are left in such a way that we have a good idea what will happen to them, but I would have liked things to be a bit more wrapped up at the end. I just learned in the interview mentioned above that the author has written a novella with these characters that will come out at Christmas.