This and that

Punctuation makes all the difference! One of the last things I do at night is read the evening portion of Daily Light on the Daily Path. I don’t usually take my little cheapie reading glasses up to my bedroom for that: the print is large enough that I can usually make it out. I misread the opening verse in last night’s section as, “What meanest thou, O sleeper arise?” I thought, “Hmm, I don’t remember that one.” A closer look revealed it was actually, “What meanest thou, O sleeper? arise” from Jonah 1:6. The former is what I might say in King James’ time if someone woke me up too early.

Excitement at Grandma’s. We had a tornado warning Tuesday afternoon, sirens going off and everything. I wondered how they handled that at the assisted living place. The next day I found out that they have the residents come out into the hallways: there is a hallway that runs around the building with residents’ rooms on the outside and the library, laundry, salon, etc. in the center. Then yesterday my mil said they all had to go out of the building across into the grassy area because there was “some kind of threat,” though she didn’t know or remember just what it was. I wondered what kind of threat they could have had and asked the med tech when she came around: turns out it was just a fire drill. Some of the residents get upset by a change in routine, but my mil thought it was an interesting change of pace, something to break up the monotony. 🙂

Sometimes she talks about enjoying a “life of luxury” with all the time in the world to enjoy her favorite pastime (reading) without having to think about cooking or cleaning, but other times she admits to getting bored and lonely occasionally. Yet still when they have any kind of activity, even a time yesterday of celebrating all the birthdays for the month with cake and ice cream, she declines to go except for maybe twice now in the past two months. One of the staff members popped in while I was there yesterday to discuss something else, and when she realized that Mom hadn’t gone down to the birthday celebration, she said next time she’d go down and encourage her to go. I think if one of them just pops her head in the door to let Mom know there is something going on, she’ll decline just out of habit: she says she’s “too lazy.” But this lady had the type of personality that seemed like she could cheerfully invite without being overbearing.

Orthodontia, take 3. Jesse had his evaluation yesterday with the same orthodontist his brothers had, Dr. Smiley (a good name to go with that profession. 🙂 ) Oddly enough, he has the exact opposite problem they did. They had overbites; he has an underbite as far as his jaw structure goes, but his bottom teeth don’t protrude because they have turned sidewaysand bent back in some cases. Dr. Smiley said with this particular type of problem, they could straighten the teeth but it could all go back since he is still growing, and it might be best to wait until his later teens when his growth has plateaued. They did all the diagnostic tests yesterday and we’ll go back in a couple of weeks to see what his recommendation is.

Decorating style. I saw a link at Lifenut‘s to this pictorial quiz to determine your decorating style. The pictures are lovely, though a little too small to see the details, so I just went by impression on some of them. My results, though, instead of saying “romantic” or “cottage” style, said “Lady of the Manor”:

When it comes to all household, interior design and decorating decisions, you are in control, you are in charge. Your house is your domain. Everything – and we mean everything – has been lovingly attended to, right down to the finer details. There’s no such thing as too pretty in your book, and probably never too much pink or pomp either.

Well, the parts about pretty, pink, and details are fairly accurate, but I am uncomfortable with the emphasis on “control.” I happen to be the only lady of the manor, and menfolk generally don’t care too much about decorating, so that’s my domain. My husband and I do consult together and shop for big items together. The boys aren’t terribly interested except they don’t like “all the flowers,” so I have made a concerted effort to have the bathrooms and family rooms not quite so feminine-looking. They also give you a little blurb about your style in each room. Here’s what they say about my living room style:

You love to indulge the senses, to pamper and prettify…curvaceous sofas and generously comfortable upholstery, and an eye that misses nothing. There’s no doubt who’s the mistress of the house! The countryside is frequently an inspiration, and country-style accessories work incredibly well. There’s nothing prettier than an earthenware jug or a simple slipware vase filled with fresh flowers. Pastel pinks and yellows give the room a fresh, feminine feel, while floral prints and textiles are pretty and perennially appealing. Curled up on the sofa with a good book, your living room’s the perfect place for some “me-time”.

Pretty accurate, again, except I don’t like yellow. Here’s my actual living room:
Living room, left side

It was a fun exercise, though it didn’t really tell me anything I didn’t know. I was hoping it would identify what my “style” was — I’ve often said I am somewhere between country and Victorian.

Crafty giveaway! One of the craft blogs I read, Skip to My Lou, linked to a giveaway at a new-to-me family fun blog, Vanilla Joy. There is a giveaway for every day this week — a Cricut (today’s the last day for that, and that’s a big one!), and other assorted scrapbooking and craft tools each day.

Hmm…these little jottings have grown into a much longer post than originally intended! I could take all the decorating part out for another separate post later on — but I think I’ll just leave it as is. But I will stop now. Have a good day!

Thirteen thoughts about my birthday

1. I turn 51 today!

2. That sounds so much older than 50! I’m still trying to figure out how I got there!

3. While standing in line somewhere I saw a headline saying, “50 is the new 30.” Sounds good to me!

4. This is a good week for birthdays: Barb‘s was a few days ago and Janet‘s was yesterday.

5. I got offered a senior citizen’s discount at Jack in the Box again today. 😕 Actually, they didn’t even offer — just rang it up, and I had to correct them. Then the cashier said, “How old are you?” Not exactly tactful! My husband thinks I should have just taken the discount.

6. We get to eat out at Outback tonight! Love the food — not crazy about the darkness and music. We only get there maybe once a year.

7. Barb had some good thoughts about reaching the over-50 mark here. My favorite line: “It doesn’t matter how many years you actually live. What matters is what you do with those years and how you impact the people who will live beyond you.”

8. My favorite cake is chocolate (preferable devil’s food) with chocolate icing (preferably fudge chocolate).

9. I miss talking to my mom on special days.

10. I could join the Bloggers Over 50 Blogroll. I could have last year, but I wanted to wait til I was over 50 just as a matter of principle. 🙂

11. Last year I posted some perks of being older and some neat quotes about aging.

12. One of my favorite “older” quotes not listed there is the following:

“It is love in old age, no longer blind, that is true love. For love’s highest intensity doesn’t necessarily mean its highest quality. Glamour and jealousy are gone; and the ardent caress…is valueless compared to the reassuring touch of a trembling hand. Passersby commonly see little beauty in the embrace of young lovers on a park bench, but the understanding smile of an old wife to her husband is one of the loveliest things in the world.” Booth Tarkington

13. Seen at ivman:

More Thursday Thirteeners are here.

With all our feebleness

Two glad services are ours,
Both the Master loves to bless.
First we serve with all our powers —
Then with all our feebleness.

Nothing else the soul uplifts
Save to serve Him night and day,
Serve Him when He gives His gifts —
Serve Him when He takes away.

C. A. Fox

With my mother-in-law’s moving here plus my husband and I both reaching the half-century mark, I have been thinking a lot about aging and the decline of our strength and abilities. And though originally this post was just going to be about aging, I realized many of the principles also apply to those who are affected by illness or injury.

I discovered the above poem in Amy Carmichael of Dohnavur by Frank. L. Houghton preceding the last section of the book which told about Amy’s final years. After spending most of her adult life as a missionary in India, she suffered a fall which rendered her an invalid for twenty years. She remained in India. It is remarkable that these days most mission boards would send an invalid missionary home, yet Amy continued to have a ministry there.

In the early days after my TM diagnosis, though I wasn’t a complete invalid, in my “down” times I would think of the word “invalid,” meaning someone who is ill to the point of not being able to function, and change the accent to the second syllable to mean something that is not longer valid, or in other words, useless. Invalids can feel invalid. But they are not. God has a purpose for every person on the planet.

Our culture tends to glorify youth and vigor. But “God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty” (I Corinthians 1:27) and to showcase His strength (II Corinthians 12:8-10).

Elisabeth Elliot wrote in A Lamp For My Feet:

But my limitations, placing me in a different category from… anyone else’s, become, in the sovereignty of God, gifts. For it is with the equipment that I have been given that I am to glorify God. It is this job, not that one, that He gave me.

For some, the limitations are not intellectual but physical. The same truth applies. Within the context of their suffering, with whatever strength they have, be it ever so small, they are to glorify God. The apostle Paul actually claimed that he “gloried” in infirmities, because it was there that the power of Christ was made known to him.

If we regard each limitation which we are conscious of today as a gift–that is, as one of the terms of our particular service to the Master–we won’t complain or pity or excuse ourselves. We will rather offer up those gifts as a sacrifice, with thanksgiving.

I used to think, “Lord, I could serve you so much better without these problems.” But it’s as if He were saying, “No, this is what I am using to shape your service for Me.” As life changes, either through illness or aging, we need not lament what we can’t do any more. We can seek God’s will for what to do now.

As I wrote earlier, sometimes God’s purpose for our decline is that other people might learn and grow by ministering to us. This is hard to accept, because we don’t want to trouble them, we don’t want to be an inconvenience, we don’t want to need that kind of help. But graciously accepting that kind of help can be an example and a blessing to others.

My mother-in-law and I were discussing some of the…indignities of aging and wondering why the Lord allowed people to have to go through those kinds of things. Of course, our bodies are affected by the effects of the Fall of man and the entrance of sin in the world, one of those effects being decline and death. But years ago I heard one preacher say that our bodies fall apart as we age to make us willing to let loose of them. We have such a strong instinct of self-preservation, of wanting to live to see our children grow up, then our grandchildren, etc. But God can use the gradual decline of our bodies and their functions in order to wean us away from this world, to remind us that this body is just a temporary tabernacle, and to set our minds on getting ready for heaven.

Titus 2:3-5 tells us that older women are to teach the younger a multitude of things. I don’t think this always has to be in a classroom setting. It can be, in our culture, but at the time it was written there probably were not such things as seminars and retreats for women. But by their example and specific opportunities to say a word or give a testimony or share something learned along the way of life, older women can both teach and model those characteristics mentioned in Titus.

Psalm 71:16-18 says, “I will go in the strength of the Lord GOD: I will make mention of thy righteousness, even of thine only. O God, thou hast taught me from my youth: and hitherto have I declared thy wondrous works. Now also when I am old and greyheaded, O God, forsake me not; until I have shewed thy strength unto this generation, and thy power to every one that is to come.”

That’s our ultimate purpose: to show forth His strength and His power.

Psalm 78:2-8:

2 I will open my mouth in a parable: I will utter dark sayings of old:

3 Which we have heard and known, and our fathers have told us.

4 We will not hide them from their children, shewing to the generation to come the praises of the LORD, and his strength, and his wonderful works that he hath done.

5 For he established a testimony in Jacob, and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers, that they should make them known to their children:

6 That the generation to come might know them, even the children which should be born; who should arise and declare them to their children:

7 That they might set their hope in God, and not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments:

8 And might not be as their fathers, a stubborn and rebellious generation; a generation that set not their heart aright, and whose spirit was not stedfast with God.

If you have hearing problems at all…

…I urge you to get the very best hearing aids within your means.

If someone is totally or partially deaf, of course, loved ones will need to learn sign language or whatever else is needed to communicate. If everything has been done that can be done, then others will need to work to around the hearing loss as best they can.

I have known some women to get teary and sensitive at the thought of having some hearing deficiencies. I don’t know if it is due to dismay at the reality of a body that is beginning to lose its functions or if they sense a bit of a stigma associated with hearing aids, or what.

But when you obviously can’t hear well and you don’t want to investigate hearing aids, it makes your family feel that you don’t care to hear them.

It’s not enough to just ask people to speak up. If you think you would feel conspicuous with a hearing aid, think how much more conspicuous it is to have people practically shouting in order for you to hear them, or to give an answer that makes it obvious that you didn’t hear what was said.

Also, sometimes people with hearing problems cut themselves off from opportunities or social interaction because of difficulty hearing. Why do so when their are solutions at hand?

No, this post isn’t about my mother-in-law. She has worn a hearing aid for decades and has accepted that she needs one. She does tend to get to a comfortable status quo, though, and doesn’t want to change anything, even if it would mean improvement in hearing and in comfort. She also doesn’t like to spend money. True, hearing aids aren’t cheap, but they are a worthy investment.

No, this post is more general, in response to people I have known or accounts I have read. If someone is suggesting that you might want to check into hearing aids, or into getting new ones, you’ve probably already been missing out on conversations and interactions without realizing it. Take the suggestion and look at it not as a reason for sorrow or shame, but rather as an opportunity to improve your quality of life and theirs. Your loved ones want to communicate with you. And they want you to want to communicate with them.

“Why am I still here?”

Last night Jim’s mom was thinking back through all the people in her life who had passed on — parents, husband, sister, cousins — and wondering why the Lord left her here. I tried to reassure her that if God had her here, He had a purpose for her. She grinned and said, “To be an example in suffering?” Then she reassured me that though she had had some tough spots in her life, she wasn’t really suffering, especially as compared to some others.

The conversation reminded me of an article years ago in Frontline magazine called “A Psalm for Old Age” by Esther Talbert. We knew the Talberts: we attended church with them for several years before we moved out of state. Esther’s mother-in-law, Jean, had been one of the sweetest, merriest hearts I had ever known. Then she got Alzheimer’s, and it was so sad to see her standing away from everyone looking confused and uncertain. She was one whose situation caused me to wonder why the Lord let some of His children go through such things instead of taking them on Home. Part of Esther’s article addresses that:

Verse 18 of Psalm 71 says, “Now also when I am old and greyheaded, O God, forsake me not, until I have showed Thy strength unto this generation, and Thy power to every one that is to come.” As a nursing instructor cherished by her students (of whom I was one), Mom imparted to her young charges far more than nursing skills. To many she was a surrogate mother and spiritual counselor who showed the strength and sweetness, the love and faithfulness of the Lord. Now God is using her to show His strength and power—perfected through weakness—to my husband and me.

There is a reason God leaves the elderly and infirm among us, and it is often not for their benefit but for ours. If we are not too busy and self-absorbed, we may learn the qualities of Christ that we lack and that He desires to mold in us, the transformation of character He intends to accomplish in us, by confronting us with their presence and needs. By the time something like Alzheimer’s strikes, God is about done with His earthly work in someone like Mom. “Why, then, does He leave someone to linger like that?” we wonder. His earthly work in Mom is done, but much of His earthly work in us and others, through Mom, is just beginning. He strengthens us daily to love and care for her. In the gentle rebuke of His mercy, He is molding and changing us—revealing our selfishness, unfolding His fifth commandment in new ways. Only as I myself am moldable will God’s power, in my turn, shine through me to “this generation and . . . to every one that is to come.”

Romans 8:17-18 says, “And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together. For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” Some day that glory will outshine everything else, even the trials of this life that loomed so large at the time.

Caring for elderly parents

I mentioned a while back that my mother-in-law is moving here to SC from Idaho. Well, the time has come: she arrived Monday night. My husband flew up to travel back with her. His other brothers, a new sister-in-law, and two nieces also traveled up from other states, so, with the sister who already lived there, they had a bit of a mini-reunion.

Jim was concerned about the logistics of getting her to the airport, handling his luggage and hers, and getting the rental car back without having to leave her somewhere while he took care of things — she doesn’t have Alzheimer’s, but she can get confused in unfamiliar situations or when she is nervous. (The other relatives didn’t come with them to the airport because we fly in and out of an airport about two hours away and rent a car to drive home. Her little town does have an airport, but it’s exorbitantly expensive to fly to it.) Jeremy and I prayed specifically about that at lunch time, and Jim called me later and let me know that someone from Hertz offered to take care of the car for him and bring him the receipt; an airline employee took the luggage on an elevator for them and told them the wheelchairs were at the top of the escalator (she doesn’t usually use a wheelchair, but would have had a hard time walking the distances you have to in airports); a skycap wheeled her straight to the front of the line. Jim had allowed about an hour to take care of all of that and get through security, but it only took half an hour. We were so thankful that that all went smoothly!

She seems to be doing ok — she got a little teary saying good-bye, understandably. I just can’t imagine this week for her: saying good-bye to the area she has lived for 35 years, to the family on that side of the country (we’re the only ones on this side), to her dog, traveling across the country, and now facing a new living situation. I’ve been praying for God’s grace for her during this whole transition process. If you think of it, I’d appreciate your prayers for her and for us. As I mentioned in that earlier post, this is going to be a new situation for all of us.

I have found that when I tell people my mother-in-law is moving here, they smile and say something like, “Oh, that’s nice!” But when I say she will be living in an assisted living facility, their smile drops somewhat and they look a little uncertain.

I know some folks have the mindset that they’ll never put a loved one in a home. I probably felt that way myself at one time. But two things changed my thinking. One was the assisted living facility my grandmother was in. It was more like an apartment complex for older people with medical staff on the premises. She enjoyed living there and having a certain amount of independence while still having care close by when needed. It was hardly being “put away in a home” at all. Then, my grandfather had been living with his daughter, my mother’s sister. She worked full time, so he was home alone in the day time. He didn’t eat right, didn’t take his medications regularly, didn’t do a lot. After he had a series of small strokes, he went into the hospital. Some specification with his insurance or Medicare would only allow him to remain in the hospital a certain number of days: after that he had to go into a nursing home. My mom and her siblings stood around his bed and cried. But none of them was in a position to give him the care he needed. As it turned out, when the time came that he could have gone home, he decided to stay. He found eating three regular meals did help, and he enjoyed someone else providing them (many older people don’t like to cook for just themselves.) His medications were dispensed; he met people and had activities that were stimulating. He loved it and lived there several years until he passed away.

Though family members do have responsibility to see that their loved ones are cared for, there is no one right way to go about it. When a family has to make these kinds of decisions, there are several factors that come into play:

1. Housing situation. Not everyone has the space to include a new adult addition, or the house might not be conducive to someone with physical problems. Though Mom is only staying with us a few days until she moves into her new home, we’re concerned about her dealing with the steps. But this was one factor in deciding on assisted living care. We could move to a house that is all on one level if need be, but that takes time.

2. Availability of other family members. This is one of the reasons she moved here: much of the rest of the family was moving away from her area. I’m the only daughter-in-law who isn’t working outside the home.

3. Finances.

4. Mental ability. If the elderly parent has Alzheimer’s or mental confusion, someone would need to stay with them all the time, and even a family with a stay-at-home member might not be able to manage that between errands, school obligations if there are school-aged children in the house, etc. I know some handle this by hiring someone to stay with the elderly parent a certain amount of time each week.

5. Level of care needed. There might be some situations in which the older person needs physical or medical care that can’t be given at home.

6. Relationships. Some older people will always see their adult child as a child, and won’t follow instructions about medical care (e.g., medicines), food, etc., but they would take such instruction from medical personnel in an assisted living situation.

7. Personalities. We might be loathe to admit this and we might think that every family relationship should amicable, but in real life that is just not the case. Some relationships prosper with a little bit of space for each party. Privacy doesn’t allow me to disclose anything about situations I know of personally, but it is definitely a factor (by the way, this isn’t a factor with my mother-in-law. She is pretty easy to get along with).

8. Safety. Particularly Alzheimer’s or some forms of dementia in advanced stages may cause some patients to physically strike their caregivers when frustrated even if the patient would never have done that in ealrier years.

9. Socialization. I almost hate to even use that word because I know it is leveled as an unfair charge against home-schoolers has been a lack of socialization, and most of them get plenty of social interaction and don’t really need to be put into a classroom of people the same age to get it. But this is one of our concerns with my mother-in-law. If she lived with us, we would be her whole world — she wouldn’t feel the need to or have the desire to interact with others besides surface greetings at church. As we have talked with the staff at the assisted living facility, we feel this is an area in which she could benefit. Not only would she have the mental stimulation of interacting with others and participating in the activities there, but it might encourage her to know there are others who are going through the same things she is.

10. Independence. It might seem odd to list this as a factor when a person going into assisted living seems to be giving up their independence. But in such a facility they actually do get to make their own decisions and schedules and have their own living space. Some would feel that if they lived with their children they would be an imposition (even if the family is glad to have them), and they are more comfortable being on their own as much as they can be.

Not all of these reasons are factors for my mother-in-law, but they have been with friends dealing with elderly relatives. As we prayed and discussed the situation with the rest of the family over the past several years, we felt this was the best solution. We know to expect an adjustment period, but if she truly hates it or has a terrible experience, we’ll have to seek the Lord about what else to do. But for now we feel sure this is the right path.

My husband did all the initial legwork in researching the different facilities in out area. The one he chose is only about five minutes away from us, and it has a small, homey feel rather than a big institutional feel. Every time I have talked with any of the staff I have been reassured by their knowledge and attitude. As we have gone over several times in the last week to set up the room, hang curtains, etc., we’ve enjoyed saying hello to the other residents and look forward to getting to know them better. We do plan to visit often as well as bring Mom over to our house and take her to church with us.

I know there may be some bumps along the road for all of us as we figure things out, but ultimately I have every hope that this next stage in her life and ours will be a blessing to her.

Someday I will be thankful for this…

A few days ago I received my first-ever offer for a Senior Citizen’s discount.:roll:

I assured the nice young man behind the counter that I did not yet qualify.

Maybe I need to color that gray…

At the grocery store check-out today, the cashier looked at the decorated big cookie for Jesse’s birthday party from the bakery and said, “Oh, is your grandson having a birthday?”

That would be my son, thank you very much. 😕

A milestone birthday

I turn 50 today. 50! Wow. I can hardly believe it. Doesn’t seem like I’ve been around for 50 years!

I guess I’ll need to change the “40-something” designation in my profile. But I don’t want to say “50-something” since that sounds so much older than just barely 50. Maybe I’ll just say “middle-aged.” 😀

I had thought about doing something special here to celebrate this milestone, but it ended up being a busy week. So I’ll share something that brought me a few chuckles and eased me into the transition into a new decade:

Perks of Being Over 50

  • No one expects you to run into a burning building.
  • People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  • There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
  • You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
  • You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  • You sing along with elevator music.
  • Your eyes won’t get much worse.
  • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  • Your joints are more accurate meteorologist than the national weather service.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

~~~~~

When Sally discovered her first gray hair she immediately wrote to her parents: “Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience this with me too.” She taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it. Her father’s response was in the form of a poem:

It’s a trustworthy observation
That nothing can compare
In the process of aging
With finding the first gray hair.

He signed off with this observation: “That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!”

~~~~~

Finally, here are some quotes I saved especially for this birthday from a Thursday Thirteen I saw at Echoes of Grace when she was also facing a milestone birthday:

1. Happiness is inward, and not outward, and so, it does not depend on what we have, but on who we are. ~Henry Van Dyke

2. Regrets are the natural property of gray hairs. ~Charles Dickens

3. I suppose real old age begins when one looks backward rather than forward. ~May Sarton

4. There is no cure for the common birthday. ~John Glenn

5. It is not how old you are, but how you are old.~ Marie Dressler

6. The older the fiddler, the sweeter the tune.~ English Proverb

7. Old age is like flying through a storm. Once you’re aboard, there’s nothing you can do.~ Golda Meir

8. The more sand has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it. ~Jean Paul

9. You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair. ~Douglas MacArthur

10. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. ~Mark Twain

11. Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone. ~Jim Fiebig

12. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were? ~Satchel Paige

13. Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many ~Anonymous

Children keep you humble

One day earlier this week, I happened to look in the mirror on the visor in the car, which, in natural light, was much more revealing than any mirror in the house. “Augh!” I remarked. “I’m getting so many wrinkles!”

Jesse, my thirteen year old, looked at me carefully and said, “Yeah, and your hair is turning gray, too.”

Thanks, hon, for helping me keep things in perspective.