Category Archives: Christian Womanhood

Book Review: In Trouble and In Joy

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In trouble and in joy_dpThe first part of the title of In Trouble and In Joy: Four Women Who Lived for God by Sharon James comes from a line in a hymn by Nahum Tate and Nicholas Brady:

Through all the changing scenes of life,
In trouble and in joy,
The praises of my God shall still
My heart and tongue employ.

The four women Sharon James writes about in this book exemplify that truth: in varying degrees of trouble and joy, they lived for God.

Margaret Baxter was a rebellious, glamorous, well-to-do teen-ager who became a Christian under the preaching of her Puritan pastor, Richard Baxter. Though he was twice her age, Margaret fell in love with him, and in time her feelings were reciprocated, and they married. The union was a step down for Margaret financially (Richard took care to arrange their finances in such a way that he did not have access to her money so it would not be thought he married her for her money) and socially, but  she had found her purpose in life and blossomed. This was a time when “Non-conformists” were persecuted, and when Richard was imprisoned for a while, Margaret voluntarily joined him. Both were, like all the rest of us, very human. Margaret was known for being generous, cheerful (Mrs. James notes, “It is simply not true that the Puritans went around looking miserable. Indeed, Richard Baxter wrote, “Keep company with the more cheerful sort of the godly; there is no mirth like the mirth of believers'” [p. 49]), industrious, competent, capable, patient, supportive — and anxious, fearful, perfectionist, and over-zealous. Yet she was aware of and grieved by her faults, and it was her desire to live a holy life for God.

Sarah Edwards had eleven children as the wife of Jonathan Edwards in the early 1700s. The Edwards were known for their “uncommon union,” their great love and respect for each other, and Sarah’s hospitality. Sarah thrived as a wife and mother, but the Edwards’ faced their share of difficulty as well when Jonathan was dismissed from the church where he pastored and some of their children died.

Anne Steele lived in a small English village in the 1700s, never married, suffered from poor health most of her life (with what is thought now to have been malaria), published two volumes of hymns and poems, and was known for her cheerfulness and faith. It was expected at that time that young women would marry and have a family, and there is some correspondence of teasing between Anne and her sister about Anne’s unmarried state even though the sister admitted her life was not all rosy.

Frances Ridley Havergal lived in the Victorian 1800s and is best known as the writer of hymns such as “Take My Life and Let It Be” and “Like a River Glorious.” Her father was a pastor and she was very active in the ministry of the church, thriving in personal work, one-on-one discussions with others about the gospel and spiritual truth. When her father died, her step-mother made unusual demands and seemed to even be mentally unstable, but Frances did her best to honor her. She did travel a lot and kept running, amusing accounts of her experiences: letters from her travels to Switzerland were gathered together in a book titled Swiss Letters.  She turned down several proposals of marriage, though she “once wrote of the sense of ‘general heart-loneliness and need of a one and special love…and the belief that my life is to be a lonely one in that respect…I do so long for the love of Jesus to be poured in, as a real and satisfying compensation'” (pp. 193-194). She was a prolific writer of hymns and books. She “loved life, enjoyed people, revelled in nature, and laughed a lot” (p. 200).

The book deals with each woman individually, detailing her historical setting, the story of her life, her character and significance, and excerpts from her writing. Mrs. James’ style of writing is somewhat academic, more like teaching a class than telling a story: that’s not a bad thing, but I had picked up this book because I had read and enjoyed her earlier one, My Heart In His Hands about Ann Judson, and I don’t remember it being quite that way, though it has been years since I read it.

I didn’t agree with all of Mrs. James’ conclusions about why the women did what they did or the few things for which she criticized them: for example, she faults some of the women for not being more socially active. She wrote of Frances: “Although she was always ready to give benevolent help on an individual level, there is little evidence that Frances had strong feelings about the blatant social and political inequalities of that time” (p. 201). Some of us feel that dealing with individual hearts, resulting in a true heart change, will take care of the larger issues, and that Christians are called to share the gospel and make disciples, not necessarily battle the culture itself (though it’s not wrong to fight social ills). Mrs. James does go on to say of Frances, “And yet the ‘limiting’ of her vision to gospel issues meant that she was extraordinarily focused. Her mental and spiritual energies were not diffused into many different areas,” allowing a greater concentration on vital issues of “salvation, consecration, and worship” (p. 201). These women had their hands full enough with what they did do to warrant criticism for what they didn’t do.

I did appreciate Mrs. James research, insight, and masterful compilation of the details of these women’s lives. There is much about each woman’s  life to instruct Christian women. To give just one example, one of Frances’s letters tells of the hostility and “appalling service” she received at an inn in Switzerland. Where most of us would be fuming and calling for the manager, Frances reacted patiently and finally said to the angry, spiteful woman, “You are not happy. I know that you’re not.” the woman was startled, “tamed…made a desperate effort not to cry” and listened while Frances spoke to her “quite plainly and solemnly about Jesus.” She received a tract, promised to read it, and thanked Frances over and over. Frances concluded, “Was it not worth getting out of the groove of one’s usual comforts and civilities?” (pp. 250-251). I have to confess that was a rebuke to me: I rarely think of such situations as a means of service to others.

Mrs. James concludes:

They had different personalities and varied situations, but each of these four women lived focused lives, wanting to praise God through days of trouble as well as joy. As is true of many women, they had to juggle all sorts of responsibilities. Pursuing holiness did not mean running away from these responsibilities: it involved living every day wholeheartedly for God (p. 253).

(This review will be linked to Semicolon’s Saturday Review of books and Callapidder Days’ Spring Reading Thing Reviews.)

Encouragement for homemakers

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I believe very strongly that a married woman’s first ministry is to her home and family, even if she’s working outside the home. The older women are instructed in Titus 2:4-5 to teach younger women “to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” I Timothy 5:13-14 says younger widows “learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not. I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.” It’s interesting to note the negative consequences of neglecting these responsibilities: God’s word can be blasphemed and the adversary has an opportunity for reproach.

The world in general devalues homemaking. Though books and magazines abound with housekeeping and organizing tips, the idea seems to be to spend as little time on it as possible so you can get to the important stuff. Believe me, I am all for streamlining my tasks as well. But those held up for admiration are often those who are doing something else. Homemaking is seen as drudgery.

And I have to admit, though I am where I want to be by choice, desire, and belief system, sometimes it feels like drudgery: when the laundry baskets are overflowing again two days after I got the laundry caught up, when I spend hours on a nice dinner that is consumed in less than 20 minutes and then have to spend more time cleaning up afterward, when nothing stays done, but the dusting and dirty floors and grocery shopping all have to be taken care of again and again. When I am doing something for our ladies’ ministry or something else that seems more “spiritual” in nature, I can get irritated that I have to stop and take time from the “important” stuff to stop and make dinner.

But all of those things are important. Someone has to do them, and everyone is ministered to when they are done well. Have you ever stayed in a hotel where there is pink stuff growing in the corners of the shower? Have you ever been to a restaurant where the waitress acts as though she’d rather be anywhere than serving you, and the baked potato is hard, the lettuce is limp and brown-edged, the meat unidentifiable by appearance and taste? When neither the process nor the recipients are valued, homemaking details devolve into chaos. What different results there are when people care.

I hadn’t intended to write an essay: I meant to just write a little prelude to some quotes I wanted to share that I will will encourage other homemakers as much as they have me. Though I kept note of the author of each quote, I failed to keep track of where I found the quotes.

One of the reasons that women writing about homemaking a century ago were so self-possessed is that neither they nor their readers were conflicted about the importance of their subject. A Victorian woman’s home was her eminent domain, and she ruled over it with as much confidence as Queen Victoria ruled the world.
~ Sarah Ban Breathnach, Romancing the Ordinary: A Year of Simple Splendor

Why do we love certain houses, and why do they seem to love us? It is the warmth of our individual hearts reflected in our surroundings.
~ T. H. Robsjohn-Gibbings

The ordinary arts we practice every day at home are of more importance to the soul than their simplicity might suggest.
~ Thomas Moore

Homemaking—being a full-time wife and mother—is not a destructive drought of usefulness but an overflowing oasis of opportunity; it is not a dreary cell to contain one’s talents and skills but a brilliant catalyst to channel creativity and energies into meaningful work; it is not a rope for binding one’s productivity in the marketplace, but reins for guiding one’s posterity in the home; it is not oppressive restraint of intellectual prowess for the community, but a release of wise instruction to your own household; it is not the bitter assignment of inferiority to your person, but the bright assurance of the ingenuity of God’s plan for the complementarity of the sexes, especially as worked out in God’s plan for marriage; it is neither limitation of gifts available nor stinginess in distributing the benefits of those gifts, but rather the multiplication of a mother’s legacy to the generations to come and the generous bestowal of all God meant a mother to give to those He entrusted to her care.”
~Dorothy Patterson

No ordinary work done by a man is either as hard or as responsible as the work of a woman who is bringing up a family of small children; for upon her time and strength demands are made not only every hour of the day but often every hour of the night. She may have to get up night after night to take care of a sick child, and yet must by day continue to do all her household duties well; and if the family means are scant she must usually enjoy even her rare holidays taking her whole brood of children with her. The birth pangs make all men the debtors of all women. Above all our sympathy and regard are due to the struggling wives among those whom Abraham Lincoln called the plain people, and whom he so loved and trusted; for the lives of these women are often led on the lonely heights of quiet, self-sacrificing heroism.
~ Teddy Roosevelt, 1905

But housekeeping is fun……It is one job where you enjoy the results right along as you work. You may work all day washing and ironing, but at night you have the delicious feeling of sunny clean sheets and airy pillows to lie on. If you clean, you sit down at nightfall with the house shining and faintly smelling of wax, all yours to enjoy right then and there. And if you cook—that creation you lift from the oven goes right to the table. ~Gladys Taber, Stillmeadow Seasons

I long to accomplish great and noble tasks, but it is my chief duty and joy to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble.
~Helen Keller

The preparation of good food is merely another expression of art, one of the joys of civilized living.
~Dione Lucas

Cooking is at once child’s play and adult joy. And cooking done with care is an act of love.
~Craig Claiborne

“Family dinners should be planned with as much thought and care as company dinners.”
~ Better Homes and Gardens Cook Book, 1946

It is wholly impossible to live according to Divine order, and to make a proper application of heavenly principles, as long as the necessary duties which each day brings seem only like a burden grievous to be borne. Not till we are ready to throw our very life’s love into the troublesome little things can we be really faithful in that which is least and faithful also in much. Every day that dawns brings something to do, which can never be done as well again. We should, therefore, try to do it ungrudgingly and cheerfully. It is the Lord’s own work, which He has given us as surely as He gives us daily bread. We should thank Him for it with all our hearts, as much as for any other gift. It was designed to be our life, our happiness. Instead of shirking it or hurrying over it, we should put our whole heart and soul into it.
~ James Reed

Charles Spurgeon describes the excellent wife: “She asks not how her behavior may please a stranger, or how another’s judgment may approve her conduct; let her beloved be content and she is glad.”

Excellence is to do a common thing in an uncommon way. ~ Booker T. Washington

Great thoughts go best with common duties. Whatever therefore may be your office regard it as a fragment in an immeasurable ministry of love. ~ Bishop Brooke Foss Westcott, b. 1825

The human being who lives only for himself finally reaps nothing but unhappiness. Selfishness corrodes. Unselfishness ennobles, satisfies. Don’t put off the joy derivable from doing helpful, kindly things for others. ~ B.C. Forbes

The trivial round, the common task,
Will furnish all we ought to ask;
Room to deny ourselves, a road
To bring us daily nearer God.
~ John Keble

What you do in your house is worth as much as if you did it up in heaven for our Lord God. We should accustom ourselves to think of our position and work as sacred and well-pleasing to God, not on account of the position and work, but on account of the word and faith from which the obedience and the work flow.
~ Martin Luther

IN little things of common life,
There lies the Christian’s noblest strife,
When he does conscience make
Of every thought and throb within;
And words and looks of self and sin
Crushes for Jesus’ sake.

J. B. S. MONSELL

Wheresoever we be, whatsoever we are doing, in all our work, in our busy daily life, in all schemes and undertakings, in public trusts, and in private retreats, He is with us, and all we do is spread before Him. Do it, then, as to the Lord. Let the thought of His eye unseen be the motive of your acts and words. Do nothing you would not have Him see. Say nothing which you would not have said before His visible presence. This is to do all in His name.
~ Henry Edward Manning

The best things in life are nearest: breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of right just before you. Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life’s plain, common work as it comes, certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things in life.
~ Robert Louis Stevenson

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(Since I have 13+ quotes, I am linking this to the Thursday Thirteen site.)

Interests and Issues

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monay-testimonyGina at Chats With an Old Lady is running a series on Titus 2 women, sharing testimonies of women who have emphasized the Titus 2 characteristics of an older woman teaching and being an example to a younger one. If you don’t have someone like this in your life, perhaps these testimonies would give you an idea of the kind of person to look for and pray for. Some of us need to get used to the idea that we’re supposed to be on the other end — being a Titus 2 woman to someone — and these will give us some idea how to do that.

  • Those of you who pray, I’d appreciate your prayers for the talks in Washington about the auto industry bailout. I don’t pretend to have any idea what the best course of action would be, but this concerns not only the auto industry but also myriad other industries that contribute to it. Some of the big car companies are some of the biggest customers of my husband’s company, so anything that affects the “big” business affects his as well.
  • Frank Sansone brought my attention to something I had not heard of: the fact that President Obama has nominated David Ogden for the position of Deputy Attorney General. This is alarming because of Ogden’s record on pornography, as delineated in the article article: David Ogden and the New Pornographers: Why the Senate Should Reject His Nomination:

    • In addition to making it harder to prosecute those who sell images of child molestation and rape, Ogden has sought to ensure that pornography can be easily distributed and readily accessed in almost any medium or location. He has fought cases in Puerto Rico to allow Playboy to broadcast explicit programming on TV. He represented Philip Harvey, a man who runs the nation’s largest mail-order pornography shop out of North Carolina, in his attempt to deflect a Department of Justice investigation of his business. Completing a sort of multi-media grand slam, Ogden has sued to allow sexually-explicit content to be transmitted over the phone. Taking this quest to its absurd limits, he has even claimed in court that there is a constitutional right for pornography to be kept in firehouses. Ogden’s position is good for the industry groups he has represented but bad for female firefighters who could be subjected to humiliating and harassing images in the workplace. With an equal disregard for the comfort and protection of children, in 2000 Ogden sued to allow pornography to be accessed in public libraries

  • Albert Mohler has some additional thoughts here. I hope you will contact your senators to reject this nomination.
  • The Common Room rightly describes as “Deeply disturbing, heartbreaking” this news and these clips from Palestinian children’s programming glorifying hate, war, and antisemitism.
  • I’ve been saddened and even sickened by the ramifications of the Consumer Product Safety Improvement Act. Sherry at Semicolon has a good summary of it here. The main purpose of it is to keep our children from being poisoned by lead in toys — a good and worthy goal. But it has spun off into senseless mania. Retailers, thrift shops, and others are having to do away with multitudes of children’s books even though there has never been a known instance of someone getting lead contamination from a book. The Headmistress has been blogging about this for days — I would encourage you read even a portion of the info. there on it. It is absolutely mind-boggling.
  • Finally, I have also been greatly frustrated at the push for the economic stimulus package. Again, I know very little about what would be the best thing for the economy, but what frustrates me is the push to get it voted through before it could even be read. On a local radio interview with my state senator, Jim DeMint, he said he was trying to get them to delay for a week so they could take and read the thing, but that didn’t happen. It’s just irresponsible to push for a vote on something when very few have any idea of the specifics, and I have heard the bill contains some alarming policy changes. One of President Obama’s campaign promises was that the people would have five days to view any bill once it reaches his desk before he signs it. I hope he keeps that promise, but it would be nice for lawmakers to have at least that long to study a bill before signing it.

Sorry to be so depressing. 🙂 I am not feeling depressed — just bothered. I started to look for something cute or funny to end up with, but I decided to leave this post as is to encourage our alertness and prayers for our country and our world.

Bible study on women

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I did a Bible word search this week just looking for verses with the words “woman” or “women” in them. I excluded the ones speaking about particular women or the ones with detailed instructions from the OT ceremonial law except for a couple where I felt the principle still carried over today. I was looking primary for general instruction to or descriptions of women in Scripture. Here is what I found, with little commentary:

  • Made in response to man’s loneliness (Gen. 2:18, I Corinthians 11:9)
  • Made a help meet or fit for man (Gen. 2:18 )
  • Made from rib of man (Gen. 2:22-23)
  • Affected by the Fall in the realm of marriage and childbirth (Gen. 3:16)
  • Offered unto the Lord with a willing heart (Ex 35:29)
  • Under authority of father or husband when making vows (Numbers 30)
  • Not to dress like man (Deut, 22:5)
  • Required, along with men, children, and strangers, to assemble to hear the Word of God, to learn, to fear Him, to observe His commands (Deuteronomy 31:12 and many other places)
  • Women in Jesus’ life ministered to Him (Matthew 27:55-56, Mark 15:40-41), ministered unto Jesus of their substance (Luke 8:1-3), worshipped (Matthew 26:7-13, Mark 14:3-9, Luke 7:36-50), lamented His crucifixion (Luke 23:27-28), watched at the cross (Matthew 27:55-56, Mark 15:40-41, Luke 23:49), followed afterward to see where He was buried and went home to prepare spices (Luke 23:55-56), came to the tomb Sunday morning (Matthew 28:1-10, Luke 24:1-11), continued ” with one accord in prayer and supplication” with the disciples and Mary after He arose (Acts 1:13-14)
  • Head of woman is the man (I Corinthians 11:3)
  • Prays and prophesies in church with head covered (I Corinthians 11:5)
  • Long hair is her glory and covering (I Corinthians 11:15)
  • There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. (II Corinthians 7:24)
  • Adorned with modesty, shamfacedness, sobriety, good works more than jewelry, elaborate hairstyles, etc. (I Timothy 2:9-10)
  • In the church is to learn in silence and not teach men or usurp authority over men (I Timothy 2:11-12; I Corinthians 14:34-35)
  • Good works: “Well reported of for good works; if she have brought up children, if she have lodged strangers, if she have washed the saints’ feet, if she have relieved the afflicted, if she have diligently followed every good work.” (I Timothy 5:10)
  • Younger women encouraged to “marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.” (I Timothy 5:14)
  • Instructions to aged women: “that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” (Titus 2:2-5)
  • Subject to husbands (I Peter 3:1, Ephesians 5:22, Colossians 3:18 )
  • To reverence husband (Ephesians 5:33)
  • To have chaste conversation coupled with fear (I Peter 3:2) which will win lost husband more than words
  • To be adorned with the “ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price” (I Peter 3:3-6)

Negative descriptions of women

  • The strange woman: flatters with her words (Proverbs 6:24; 7:5, 21), forsakes the guide of her youth (parents?), forgets her covenant with God, her house and paths lead to death (Proverbs 2:16-19); her lips as a honeycomb, mouth smoother than oil, end bitter as wormword, sharper than two-edged sword, her feet go down to death, her steps take hold on hell; her ways are moveable – can’t know them; results in mourning when flesh and body are consumed; hunts for the precious life (Proverbs 6:26) wear attire of a harlot (Proverbs 7:10), is subtil of heart (Proverbs 7:10) loud and stubborn; her feet abide not in her house (Proverbs 7:11-12), impudent (Proverbs 7:13), fair of speech (Proverbs 7:21), wounds, slays, leads to death and hell (Proverbs 7:26-27); a narrow pit, lies in wait as for a prey, and increases the transgressors among men (Proverbs 23:27-28; 22:14); wisdom and discretion deliver from her (Proverbs 2:1-11; 5:1-2; 7:1-5); God’s commands will keep from her (Proverbs 6:20-24), also “evil woman” (Proverbs 6:24), “whorish woman” (Proverbs 6:26) “adultress” (Proverbs 6:26); (Ecclesiastes 7:26).
  • Outlandish women caused Solomon to sin (Nehemiah 13:26)
  • The adulterous woman claims to have done no wrong (Proverbs 30:20)
  • The foolish woman: clamorous, simple, knows nothing, lures men (Proverbs 9:13-18); plucks down her house (Proverbs 14:1; Job 2:10)
  • The discretionless woman is like a gold jewel in a pig’s snout (Proverbs 11:22)
  • A brawling woman (Proverbs 21:9; 25:24)
  • A contentious and angry woman (Proverbs 21:19), like a continual dropping (Proverbs 27:15-16)
  • An odious woman (Proverbs 30:23)
  • Careless (Isaiah 32:9-12)
  • Idle, wandering from house to house, tattlers, busybodies (I Timothy 5:13)
  • Silly women (II Timothy 3:6)

Positive descriptions of women:

  • “Willing-hearted” to give (Exodus 35:22)
  • Honorable women (Psalm 45:9)
  • “Wise-hearted” to spin fiber for the tabernacle (Exodus 35:26-27)
  • A gracious woman retains honour (Proverbs 11:16)
  • A virtuous woman crowns her husband (Proverbs 12:4), more valuable than rubies, trustworthy, does husband good, works willingly with her hands, brings food from afar, rises early, serves others, diligent, knowledgeable about fields and quality merchandise, industrious, helps the poor and needy, provides for her family, provides ahead of need, attentive to her clothing, strong, honorable, wise, kind, appreciated, God-fearing (Proverbs 31:10-31).
  • A wise woman builds her house (Proverbs 14:1)

Single Women:

With so much instruction to wives and mothers, what about single women whom God has not directed to or provided for marriage? Besides the general character instruction, the Bible says:

There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. (II Corinthians 7:24.)

All Christian life is to be a life of service, but the unmarried can serve the Lord “without distraction” (I Corinthians 7:35).

Some examples:

Anna (Luke 2:36-38 )
Mary and Martha
Lydia (Acts 16: 14-15)
Dorcas (Acts 9:36-42)

Stray Thoughts and Links

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  • I can’t seem to get enough sleep this week. I don’t know if it is “recovery” from the holidays and a busy last week or what. Well…it might have something to do with staying up too late and then getting up at the regular time to get Jesse off to school. 🙂 But even then, on Wednesday I took a good nap in the afternoon and still dozed off a couple of times in church (sorry, Pastor — nothing personal!!)
  • I was looking forward to getting some other obligations done last week and then having most everyone back to school and work this week so that I could really dig in and get some things done. But with feeling sleepy — and unmotivated — and spending too much time at the computer — and not being able to decide which project to start — that didn’t quite happen. I did make a to-do list and have most of it crossed off, but didn’t get to some of the things that have been reentered on multiple to-do lists for months that I was hoping to tackle this week. I plan to get myself in gear, though.
  • I had my first MIRL this evening! That’s “meeting in real life” of another blogger. Actually, Ann of From Sinking Sand and I knew each other back in college but lost touch over the years, then rediscovered each other online. She lives about an hour away, and our respective Christian schools played each other in basketball tonight, so we got a chance to catch up with each other.

    • DSC01764

Here’s some interesting reading from the last few weeks:

  • A Common Room, whom I seem to be quoting a lot these days, wrote about the difference between being against fornication yet supporting the choices of an unwed mother. One quote from it: “To me, an unmarried mother is a reminder to honor and say a special prayer of blessing for her and for those like her who make incredible sacrifices, sacrifices of pride, of financial standing, of self, in order to do the right thing and give the baby the gift of life instead of trying to hide the evidence of their fornication by dismembering that small human being in the womb.”

I don’t get political too often here, but wanted to share these few things:

On the crafty front:

  • I love these crocheted hearts. I can’t crochet and don’t know what I’d do with these if I had them but they’re sooo cute.
  • So are these felt heart ornaments. I am trying to think of other ways they could be used besides ornaments so I don’t have to wait til Christmas to hang them if/when I make them.
  • I might give this heart wreath a try — only in pink, of course.
  • Love this button tree.

Have a great weekend!

“That she reverence her husband…”

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Often in books and teaching about the Biblical roles of husband and wife, we learn about husbands loving their wives and wives submitting to their husbands. We don’t hear as often about another responsibility of wives: Ephesians 5:33b says, “the wife see that she reverence her husband.”

We don’t live in an age of reverence. Husbands and fathers are often portrayed as inept buffoons on sitcoms. Humor seems to be regarded as a higher virtue than respect, and everyone from the president on down can be the subject of belittling parody (I am not against humor or even parody, but there has been a viciousness to much of it in recent years that I think goes too far). “Speaking our mind” takes precedence over balancing our words with respect for another individual. It is important for Christians to get back to treating people with grace.

What does reverence mean? Dictionary.com defines it as “a feeling or attitude of deep respect tinged with awe; veneration; the outward manifestation of this feeling: to pay reverence; to regard or treat with reverence; venerate.” One of the definitions from Strong’s Concordance of the Greek word this is translated from is “to reverence, venerate, to treat with deference or reverential obedience.” That same Greek word is translated “fear” in I Peter 3:1-2: “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.” It is also translated as “fear” in a servant’s responsibility to his master in I Peter 2:18, (also Col. 3:22 and others. Most translate this into the employer/employee relationship for our time), and as an attitude we should have towards the Lord in I Peter 1:17, and as “be afraid” in our regard to rulers in Romans 13.

Other translations use the word “respect” in Ephesians 5:33. Of the myriad definitions in Dictionary.com, the ones that seem most applicable are, “esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability, deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment: to hold in esteem or honor.”

One of the first thoughts that comes to some minds is, “Well, he doesn’t always act in a way that I can respect. How am I supposed to respect or reverence him then?”

Well, let’s look at it from another angle. Husbands are commanded to love their wives as themselves and as Christ loved the church. Do we as wives always act worthy of love? Is our husband’s love conditional on our behavior or performance? Don’t we want our husbands to love us no matter how we act? Isn’t that, in fact, exactly how Christ loves the church?

So, too, our respect of our husbands is not based on their performance or attitude or demeanor. Just as we want them to show God’s grace, forgiveness, and forbearance toward us when we are not all we’re supposed to be, so we should show the same to them.

How can we show them reverence? I think reverence would avoid nagging and scolding. We need to allow them to be human, to be imperfect, again, just as we would want them to allow the same for us. Proverbs has a lot to say about the brawling woman (21:9, 25:24) and the contentious woman (21:19, 27:15). I don’t think that means we can never express a preference, for instance, that dirty socks go into the hamper rather than next to it or in the middle of the floor. But once we make that request, it doesn’t do either of us any good to fuss about it (or to seethe in silence). We need God’s grace to exercise forbearance and the love that “covers a multitude of sins” (I Peter 4:8, Proverbs 10:12).

Reverence would also avoid talking to a husband as if he were one of the children. And I think it would also be careful about humor. We live in an age where almost anything is accepted if it is funny. But though humor “is the oil in the friction of life,” as the saying goes, it can sometimes be caustic, and some people are more sensitive to it than others. Everyone can laugh at something that is said, yet the subject of the joke can be left wondering if there was a hidden meaning. In the Quieting a Noisy Soul series, Dr. Jim Berg said the word “sarcasm” comes from two Greek words meaning “to tear flesh.” We need to be careful that we’re not “tearing,” “cutting down,” or disrespecting even in our joking and teasing.

Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” We need to be careful to apply this not only to what we say to our husbands, but also what we say about them. All the verses about talebearers and gossip apply to our conversations about our husbands, and our respect needs to shine through there as well.

I don’t think reverence means an unrealistic view of our husbands. Abigail was very frank about what kind of man her husband, Nabal, was, yet she intervened and interceded for him (I Samuel 25).

I wrote earlier about a session at one of our ladies’ meetings on how to love our husbands, and I think that respect is a part of Biblical love.

Perhaps the idea of reverence can best be captured this way: think of someone whom you would be awed to have in your home, for example, the president or a great hero of the faith like Hudson Taylor. The ways that come to mind to act (and not act) towards and treat a person like that are ways that we can show the same respect to our husbands. If I had someone like that in my home, I would be attentive, seek to anticipate and meet their needs, prepare what I think they would like. If I had to ask them to do or not do something, I would take care how I worded my request, assuming they meant well.

Do I always act that way toward my husband? No, I’m afraid not. I am instructing myself here and inviting you along through the process.

In one of those sermons that has stuck with me for years, Dr. Wayne Van Gelderen, Sr., as a guest speaker at our church, made the point that all of the instructions concerning the home in Ephesians 5 and 6 come after the command to be filled with the Spirit in 5:18. Only when we are filled with the Holy Spirit can we manifest love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance.

A mother’s nightly ritual

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Mother’s Little Angel

by Norman Rockwell

Courtesy of imagekind

I inadvertently began a nightly ritual when my firstborn son was a baby which has continued with some changes to this day. Before going to bed for the night, I would check on him to make sure everything was all right, watch the rise and fall of his chest for a few moments, perhaps even lay a hand on his back or chest to reassure myself he was breathing and he was all right. I expanded my rounds with each new child. As they grew, I would smile at their tousled hair and and relaxed sprawl and pull the covers back up to their shoulders.

Some time during the teen years they began closing their bedroom doors at night, but there was still a settled feeling knowing everyone was home, safely tucked in for the night. When they became active in their youth group or started working outside the home, I don’t think I ever went to bed before they came home. I may have fallen asleep on the couch, but I couldn’t rest easily until I heard them come in.

But the days came and then multiplied when they didn’t come home for the night, and passing by their empty bedrooms caused a bit of a pang to the heart. First sleepovers for a night, then camp for a week, then mission trips with the youth group for several days more, then working away from home for a whole summer, then going to college for a whole semester. The day will come when they will have their own homes, and these beds will remain empty except for brief visits. I’ll no longer be able to check on them at night or to know that they are safely tucked in, or to go to bed with that settled feeling that all is well for another night.

But I can entrust them to the One who never sleeps, who watched over the wandering Jacob when he left his home and guided him on his way. They will be beyond my sight and care, but never His. His power to keep both body and soul has always been beyond mine, but whereas for over two decades I have been able to watch over them and see that they are fine, soon I will have to walk by faith and not by sight in this aspect of life as well as all others.

And so my nightly ritual will change. Instead of going room by room in my house until I am settled in my own, I can pray for each child in my heart, trusting Him to keep a watchful, loving eye on us all.

(Updated to add: I put these thoughts in poem form here.)

Tone makes a difference

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Recently I came across something written by a woman for women for the purpose of helping women, the content of which was excellent, but the tone was quite harsh.

I don’t know about other people, but a harsh tone tends to put me off and make the message hard to receive even when I know it is good. What does tend to draw me in is a coming-alongside, desiring-to-help attitude.

I don’t mean that we should be namby-pamby, cowardly, and spineless, or sacrifice truth under the guise of “love.” I know some of the prophets in Scripture could seem pretty harsh in their denunciations. But some of the tenderest expressions of God’s love and care are also found in those messages from the prophets. “The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee” (Jeremiah 31:3) and “Is Ephraim my dear son? is he a pleasant child? for since I spake against him, I do earnestly remember him still: therefore my bowels are troubled for him; I will surely have mercy upon him, saith the LORD” (Jeremiah 31:20) are just a couple.

I know in my own life, before salvation, realizing that I deserved hell all made me see my need. And though perhaps it was the fear of hell that drove me to seek deliverance, it was the grace and love of God that drew me to Him. Since then, holding up the standard of God’s Word and the realization that I have missed the mark and that I need to get something right with Him convicts me, but the knowledge that “we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities” and the invitation to therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 15:16) draws me.

One of my children in particular who seemed most to “need,” by his actions, scolding and reprimand, would just close up and withdraw when I “let him have it” verbally. It not only didn’t change his behavior, it put a wall between us. I had to learn to balance dealing with the issue and showing love, care and concern. Other times a harsh scolding produces a defensive reaction.

I also had to learn that exasperation (which can often lead to that kind of harsh attitude) is often a fleshly response: I’m irritated that this is still going on, that I have to deal with it again, that the child doesn’t “know better” and hasn’t “gotten” it by now. How unlike God, whose mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). How unlike the “wisdom that is from above” which “is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy” (James 3:17).

We need to be careful, too, in any kind of mentoring situation that we don’t approach it with an eye-rolling, exasperated, “Young people these days!” kind of attitude. That is sure to turn others off to any good we might want to do them. And we need to remember the purpose: when we have to deal with an issue, whether with a child, an employee, a committee member, or the general public in a book, blog, or talk, the purpose for dealing with the issue is not just to “get it off our chests.” That’s one sure way to come across as “scolding.” The purpose is to get them to see the importance of the issue and to change, not for our personal satisfaction, but for the stake of the truth we’re presenting.

Once I was listening to a sermon on the radio from a local pastor. I knew of him, I had read his books, I agreed with what he was preaching…yet at the end of it, something bothered me, and I couldn’t figure out what at first. Then I realized his main message, hammered over and over, was, “You need to get right.” Nothing wrong with that message: we do. But my own pastor at the time, whose ministry I was under for over fourteen years, would have said, “We need to get right” and then “There’s hope: here’s how to get right.” Though my pastor was one of the godliest men I have ever known, he, like Daniel (Daniel 9:1-19) and Ezra (Ezra 9), though they had not participated in Israel’s sin, yet they took their place with Israel and confessed the sins of the nation as though they were their own. I think that attitude of a fellow sinner helping sinners will help our message come across more compassionately.

We’ve all been under different kinds of authority figure in our lives and know what is it to have an infraction dealt with in such a way that we’re left hurt, deflated, discouraged, or angry, or, on the other hand, inspired to want to do right and to make restoration.

Of course, we’re responsible for the truth we hear no matter what tone or form it comes in. When we stand before God to give account of our lives, the excuse that we didn’t like how so-and-so delivered the message won’t hold up as a reason for not obeying it. If we are on the receiving end of a message with a harsh or scolding attitude, we still need to hear and apply and respond to the truth in the way the Lord would have for us to. But when we are sharing truth in any venue, let us remember to “Walk in wisdom toward them that are without, redeeming the time. Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man” (Colossians 4:5). The salt — the truth — is needed, but don’t forget the wisdom and the grace.

Mentoring women

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As Christian women, we get our instructions for mentoring from Titus 2:3-5:

3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;
4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

Other versions use the word “older” rather than “aged,” which sounds a little kinder to our 21st century ears. 🙂 One problem with mentoring, though, is that many older women hesitate to obey this command for a couple of reasons. For one, many don’t want to consider themselves in the “older” or “aged” category. And many don’t feel qualified because they feel they are not perfect in any of these areas and feel the need of instruction themselves: that was the common response recently when I was trying to find ladies to serve on a panel discussion about loving our husbands.

As I see it, we’re all older than someone. And if we have walked with the Lord for any length of time at all, we should be able to share something of what He has taught us along the way. No, we won’t be perfect in any area, but in a sense that helps with our mentoring. People need instruction and examples for how to deal with their faults and failures, and a person who admits to them has a little more credibility than someone who comes across as having “arrived.”

However, the character of the one mentoring does need to be the kind that “becomes holiness.” While we’re not sinless, and we need to confess often our faults to the Lord, on the other hand, as a general character and lifestyle, if we haven’t walked with the Lord and learned ourselves in these areas, we don’t have anything to teach anyone else anyway and wouldn’t be heeded if we tried. The rest of verse 4 indicates that a mentor must have a certain amount of self-control both in lifestyle and in speech. The NASB renders “false accusers” as “malicious gossips.” The NKJV says “slanderers.” No lady would want to pour out her heart and ask advice from someone who might then share what she has said with others.

How is mentoring best done? This is something I’ve asked many people through the years. There are several ways:

1. Formal instruction

When we hear the word “teach” we immediately think of classroom-type instruction. I don’t think that was specifically what Paul had in mind: I don’t know that they had classes for women in those days. But we do have classes, seminars, retreats and such in our day and culture that are beneficial. One former church we were members of had two-day conferences for women once every few years and once a year or so would disband their regular adult Sunday School classes to have separate classes for the men and women, and different ladies in the church would teach on these kinds of topics. It was something I looked forward to every year.

2. One-on-one arranged relationships

I have know some churches that had women who were interested in a one-on-one mentoring relationship sign up, and then someone paired up an older woman with a younger woman. The advantages of this kind of set-up would be in greater personal instruction and having someone to ask questions of. The disadvantages I can see would be the awkwardness of asking personal questions of someone you don’t have a personal relationship with and the danger of not really meshing with the person you’re assigned to, but I suppose those thing could be worked out over time.

I have heard of a younger woman who asked an older woman to be her “mentor” — I think they met together to talk and pray, and the younger woman asked the older questions about how she had devotions and such. One friend of mine was advised to choose one lady she was comfortable with and to ask advice of just that one lady. One advantage to that is that you wouldn’t get conflicting advice. That was a hard thing for me particularly as a young mother, when two older ladies who I loved and respected would give the exact opposite advice. I eventually learned to “glean” — to listen kindly and then pick through the advice to find what would most seem to “fit” my family, and leave the rest. But I would have had trouble picking just one woman, though that might have been beneficial to some. I know that often when I was struggling in some area or frustrated and wanting to know what to do, the Lord would put me in contact with some lady who sometimes even by a seemingly chance remark would give me just the bit of wisdom I needed at the moment.

3. Hospitality

When I was a saved teen in an unsaved home, another family in church invited me over often. Though they never formally instructed me (aside from including me in family devotions), I learned much from being around them and seeing how a Christian family interacted. The wife and mother was a great example to me in every way — in her submission to her husband, in her example as a mom, in her homemaking and meal-preparation skills, yet I don’t think she consciously had me over for the specific purpose of being an example to me.

4) Interaction

Times like bridal and baby showers, working in the nursery, setting up or cleaning up for a function, going to ladies’ meetings, fellowships, etc., were great times to mix and talk with other women as I was “growing up” as a lady. Sometimes if a question or problem cropped up, I’d ask some of them, but mostly it was still kind of an observing and absorbing of their spirit and example. Especially when I was approaching marriage, looking forward to having children, and then having them, I watched and “gleaned.” In more recent years my observing has been more along the lines of noticing godly behavior, being convicted, and asking the Lord to change me in those areas.

5) Writing

I have been ministered to, instructed, rebuked, and encouraged many times over the years by reading books written by godly women and, in more recent times, blogs.

I didn’t list family relationships, but that would be the most obvious avenue of an older lady teaching a younger one. Of course. not all ladies have mothers who are alive or who are Christians, and many live away from their parents after they marry. Even with a godly, accessible mother nearby, most of us could still use example and instruction from other godly women.

In Elisabeth’s Elliot’s book Keep a Quiet Heart, one very helpful chapter is titled “A Call to Older Women.” Here is one paragraph from it:

I think of the vast number of older women today. The Statistical Abstract of the United States for 1980 says that 19.5 percent of the population was between ages 45-65, but by 2000 it will be 22.9 percent. Assuming that half of those people are women, what a pool of energy and power for God they might be. We live longer now than we did forty years ago (the same volume says that the over-sixty-fives will increase from 11.3 percent to 13 percent). There is more mobility, more money around, more leisure, more health and strength–resources which, if put at God’s disposal, might bless younger women. But there are also many more ways to spend those resources, so we find it very easy to occupy ourselves selfishly. Where are the women, single or married, willing to hear God’s call to spiritual motherhood, taking spiritual daughters under their wings to school them as Mom Cunningham did me? She had no training the world would recognize. She had no thought of such. She simply loved God and was willing to be broken bread and poured-out wine for His sake. Retirement never crossed her mind.

So how does one going about being a mentor or “spiritual mother” to other ladies? Pray first and seek how the Lord would have you go about it. After that, the biggest thing is just to be sensitive and available. Perhaps a new mom could use some help around the house or a few hours to herself while someone capable watches the children; perhaps you could write notes of encouragement to others or have a couple of ladies over for lunch. Even just going and talking to a younger lady at a fellowship or meeting instead of finding a friend is a start. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a formal arrangement with one particular lady, though some prefer that. As I mentioned earlier, often through the years just in the course of ordinary church life, the Lord would send someone with a “word in due season” that was just what I needed at the time.

One thing older women have to watch out for, however, is crossing over the line into being busybodies. I knew of one older lady who told one young mother of seven that she was having too many children and another young wife who was planning to wait to have children til her husband was through seminary that she needed to get started on her family. It is no wonder that she caused hurt feelings rather than helping or ministering to anyone.

Though older women need to be aware of this Scriptural admonition and to seek God’s wisdom in going about obeying it, the other side of the coin is that younger women need to be willing to be taught, and part of that involves just spending time with each other. A lot of times we tend to gravitate to our own age groups, which is natural, but it’s good to get out of our comfort zone and get to know ladies of all ages. I have learned a lot from other ladies just by being around them and watching and listening to them, but sometimes I’ve felt led to ask specific questions. If you’re a younger lady who would like some “spiritual mothering,” ask the Lord to guide someone to you and take time to get to know some of the older ladies in your church. I feel sure that you’ll find someone whom you can look up to and learn from, but if not (and even if you do and would like to supplement your learning), reading good books is another way to gain from the wisdom of those who have gone before.

Church ladies’ groups

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Something in a recent comment prompted the thought that it might be helpful to some to write a post about church ladies’ groups. Recently a friend at church had a friend from her home town visiting who also happened to head up her ladies’ group, and it was fun to compare notes and get ideas. I’d love to do that here, too: I’d love to know what kinds of things your ladies group does, what has worked and hasn’t worked for you. And if you don’t have one, maybe this will give you some ideas for starting one.

I was in and out of church as a young person and my mom didn’t attend regularly, so I don’t know what the ladies in those churches did. The church we were in when we first married had a ladies group which was entirely focused on missions: they began with a project time making things for the missionaries, had a missionary speaker, passed out pre-addressed letters for people to write to missionaries, had folders with prayer cards and prayer letters that they passed out at the end for people to take a few minutes to pray for specific requests for those missionaries, and collected items the missionaries could not get in their countries. When we moved to another state, the ladies there pretty much just met together for fellowship times.

At the church we are in now, the ladies group restructured several years ago with three goals in mind:

1. to find ways to minister to, encourage, and pray for our missionaries
2. to try to keep our missionaries before our people and help them get to know them better
3. to foster fellowship among our own ladies.

Sometimes our meetings are more directly missionary oriented; sometimes they are more oriented toward fellowship. But we do fellowship at every meeting, and we try to incorporate a prayer time for specific missionaries at most meetings.

At our monthly meetings we often have a missionary speaker or a lady from our church giving her testimony. In the past we have also had craft demonstrations such as stamping or soap-making, worked on projects for our missionaries, heard talks on various topics such as time management or heart health, and had an open discussion of topics like having devotions, loving our husbands, or hospitality. Annual events include a ladies’ banquet, assembling care packages for our college students, and sponsoring a church-wide “Missionary Christmas.” Occasionally we’ve gone bowling or putt-putting. Throughout the year ladies may opt to participate in a Secret Sister program to pray for and send little notes and gifts to someone anonymously, and then we get to find out the identity of our secret sister for the year at our annual Christmas party.

Most of the monthly meetings are held in the fellowship hall at church, but some are held in homes. We do have a nursery available: it used to be staffed by teens, but as their involvement dropped off one of our ladies took that on. Different ladies host the fellowship time, bringing and serving refreshments.

Occasionally some of the women will get-together for a Bible study of several weeks duration, led by different individual ladies. Often we use a study book from Regular Baptist Press; a couple of times a video series has been used. In some churches, organizing meals for families with someone who is sick or recovering from a hospital stay or for funerals is handled by a committees of ladies: in our church that is organized by deacon groups (all the church families are divided up by deacons, with each deacon over a group, and he and his wife organize meals and fellowships and such).

Some groups might also have a committee that organizes bridal and baby showers for church members. Our pastor wants that handled on an individual basis, so different ladies who know the brides or moms-to-be organize showers. There are a few who particularly have a heart for that ministry and take care that no one is overlooked.

The friend’s friend that I mentioned said that her ladies’ group has a monthly meeting as well as a monthly outing. I don’t know if that would go over here — people are so busy it’s hard for some even to come to a monthly meeting. But it might be fin to explore that as an occasional thing.

Some years ago on a Christian internet forum, one lady mentioned that her church ladies’ group was developing a home economics course that included all the basics of sewing, cooking, menu planning, childcare (to include bathing, dressing, diaper rash and illness), time management, organized cleaning, home maintenance, finances, budgeting, etc. — as well as basic discipleship and doctrinal classes. You’d probably need a lot of manpower (or woman-power!) for that kind of thing!

Most church ladies’ groups are focused on ministering to missionaries and/or their own ladies, but some also incorporate reaching out to others with a ladies’ visitation program or having Bible studies or special programs or activities especially geared toward inviting the lost. Of course, lost friends and co-workers can be invited to the regular ladies’ meetings to hear the testimonies and be around ladies in a more informal setting.

A few helpful resources I’ve found are:

  • Women’s World: Ideas and Procedures for Missions Groups by Dorothy Vander Kaay (out of print now, I believe, but used copies can be found online): this book had some helpful ideas, but I found the sections on organization to be a little too rigid (what kind of officers are needed and what they should do, etc.) But you could adapt the idea for your group.

Speaking of organization and structure, that varies from church to church. At the first church I mentioned, they had several officers that were elected every year, and the group as a whole was somewhat guided and overseen by the pastors’ wives. The second group I mentioned really had no structure at all: the pastor’s wife basically suggested activities, but it was a small church and everyone pitched in for most activities. At our church now, one lady was asked to head it up when the group was restructured. I kind of unofficially assisted her because that seemed to be the area of ministry where my heart was, and when this lady moved, I inherited the group. 🙂 I would like at some point to have more people involved and perhaps go to electing officers: I think getting new folks involved keeps things fresh. Probably how things are structured depends a lot on how big the group is and what its goals are.

If your church does not have a ladies’ group, and you’re interested in one, you might start, first of all, with prayer for the Lord’s guidance. Then you might jot down some ideas of what kinds of groups or activities you’d be interested in, then ask for a session with your pastor to discuss them with him. Some pastors will have specific ideas for the ladies’ group; others will basically leave it up to the ladies’ involved and will only want to be kept informed. Then you might gather a few other interested ladies to brainstorm, or you might make up a questionnaire to get several ladies’ ideas and also ascertain what skills and talents the different ladies of your church have that they’d be willing to use for the group. Even if you can’t do everything you’d like to at first, once you get started, you can grow in different directions as the Lord leads and as needs and interests dictate.

In the next day or two I want to post a related piece on mentoring women in general: I wrote something on it for our ladies’ group newsletter, but I need to rework it a bit. To me a good ladies’ group within a church is an excellent means of mentoring and edifying each other. (Update: The post about mentoring women is here.)