A lot about you has changed over the years. Your height, most noticeably! And your taste in “toys.” But at 14 you are still the same personable, cheerful, sunshiney personality you have always been. May you always be so! And may God bless and guide you through the years ahead and the decisions to be made, and may He mold you into the godly young man He desires you to be.
Love you!
Chilihead at Don’t Try This At Home is hosting a carnival today about children and chores and allowances (the “change” in my title — had to alliterate 🙂 ). Some of the questions she proposed were “how you handle chores and allowance at your house, how old your kids are, how you assign chores (are they re-assigned each week or month or at all?), how you determine allowance or why you don’t give allowance, other ways your kids earn their own spending money, all your other thoughts on the matter.” She setting up a “Mr. Linky” here so that folks who want to participate in this carnival can link to their posts and readers can find many perspectives.
My children are 23, 20, and almost 14. They all still live at home, though the oldest will likely leave the nest before long and my middle one spends most of his waking hours at college. I don’t remember when we first started paying allowances. I know it was when the older two were old enough to both have assigned chores. They may have been 10 and 7 or so. Of course, I had been calling on them to do various things around the house before that time, but it was more on an as-needed basis.
I never wanted to connect chores to allowances directly because I didn’t want them to become mercenary and want some payment every time they were asked to do something, but we did start the specifically assigned chores and allowances at the same. I wanted the idea to be that they contributed to the work because they were part of the family, and they also received monetary benefits because they were part of the family. My primary reason for wanting to give allowances was to give them experience managing money. I had one who would spend his pretty quickly, then would see something at the store he wanted and ask if we would buy it for him and he’d pay us back with his next allowance. We did that a few times but then realized we were fostering a credit card, buy now, pay later habit, so we nipped that in the bud. It was nice when the “Can I haves” hit at the store to tell them they could have it if they wanted to spend their allowances on it. It’s amazing how that made them rethink a purchase. 🙂
I don’t remember how we came up with this, but the allowance we gave them was a dollar for every year of their age every other week. That’s how often Dad got paid, so that’s when they got paid, too.
I have seen some really cute chore charts, but my kids weren’t really into that kind of thing (they probably would have been at an earlier age). What eventually evolved for us was this procedure: I would make a list of things needing to be done, usually vacuuming, dusting, and emptying garbage cans every week, with some extras added at other times. I would make the list so that there was an even number of “jobs” per boy and take turns each week letting each one have first choice at to what job to do. They weren’t allowed to sign up for all the “easier” ones and leave the harder ones to the others. They considered vacuuming to be pretty easy, so they’d usually have one vacuuming job and one other job. I’d put the list on the counter or refrigerator and then they’d cross off their jobs when they were done.
Daily jobs include emptying the disahwasher and the kitchen trash can and taking the recyclables out to the bin (the last was my youngest’s domain until the last couple of years). I would usually assign those by rotation. Then there is always general pick-up. When met with, “That isn’t my mess!” we’d remind them that we had picked up after them many times and it wouldn’t hurt them to help pick up after someone else’s things. You have to be careful here — you don’t want one particularly messy child to “get away with” leaving messes and then having the others continually bail them out, but occasionally everyone just has to pitch in and get the job done. And sometimes there would be arguments over who had what job last time, as if the world would end if one had to unload the dishwasher twice in a row! I would try to listen and be fair — I acknowledge that I’m fallible and might forget what I assigned to whom last time — but sometimes I’d just have to say, “It’s not a contest. By the end of your lives you will have done each job about the same number of times. If sometimes you happen to have to do one job twice in a row, it will even out in the end.” Though they never grew to love chores, the arguing did cease eventually as all of this became routine and habit.
There is an age gap between my two older boys and my youngest, and the older ones sometimes complained they were being overworked compared to the youngest. I would remind them that they were older and more mature and capable, but the only thing that really helped was when I told them they would be leaving home before he did and then he’d have all the chores.
When you first assign chores it’s best to have the child do them with you so that you can show them exactly what you expect. It’s also best to give specific instructions. Just “vacuum the living room” will usually result in a few swipes in the middle of the room unless you show and tell them to go under the end tables, move the piano bench, etc. Then you can progress to their doing it with your observation, then to their doing it on their own. I mentioned in an earlier post that children do what is inspected rather than what is expected. I don’t remember where I first heard that, but it is true, especially in the early stages. There was one of mine that I would continually have to call back to redo a job. Sometimes I would just let it go, but I would have to remind myself that this was not just about getting this one chore done: it was about establishing good work habits that they would carry through with them into their future employment, and about character and integrity. I had to realize I wasn’t doing them any favors to let slipshod work get by.
One chore that most children have is to clean their own rooms to some degree. This is an area especially where children and parents can have different ideas about what exactly a clean room means. But if you work together with them when they’re very young, it can become routine ( at least the knowledge can: the implementation takes a while longer). Working together also teaches organizing skills. One of mine used to get very upset at being told to clean his room until I realized that it seemed overwhelming to him: he didn’t know how to break it down into smaller components. Working with him and going task by task helped to make it manageable and also taught sorting and organizing skills (all the legos together here, all the crayons here, etc.).
We did let them earn money for some “extra” chores. Washing the car was one.
When they got older, it was a little harder to determine what they should pay for and what we should pay for. At least one application we implemented was in the area of meals. Between youth group and school functions and just getting together with friends it seemed they were eating out a lot during high school years. We determined that if it was a specific youth group or school function, we would pay for it, but if they were just going out with friends, they should pay for it. We still pretty much bought most of their clothes as they weren’t earning a lot of money even when they did start part time jobs. When one son wanted name brand tennis shoes, we told him we would give him the amount of money that we would have spent at Wal-Mart for shoes, and he would have to save and come up with the rest for the shoes he wanted.
In looking over Chilihead’s post before posting mine, I saw she mentioned being a SAHM and feeling like the housework was what she was supposed to do. Even if Mom does the bulk of the cleaning, I think it is important for children to pitch in, for reasons I’ve already mentioned: contributing to the family and training them in work habits. I think it would be difficult for them to leave home and know how to do any kind of housework if they hadn’t done any at home. If they are used to only having to keep up a relatively messy room, their whole house will likely look like that. Regular cleaning helps establish good habits. As my children got older and were away from home more, I did loosen up on the weekly chores. Sometimes I had to just catch them when I could. But even when they got into college and were away from home most of the time to go to class or work or the library to study and we didn’t do the full-fledged job list, I still had them do a few things at home. I felt that was important training for when they had their own careers and families, because even though the exact list of chores might change, there will always be things around the house that need to be done. But when they were really busy or pressured I did let them off.
I know exact chores will vary from household to household. I know some who have their teens do their own laundry. To me it was just always easier to do that myself. But I do have them make their own breakfasts and lunches most Saturdays or summer days. That got started one summer when everyone was waking up at different times and I decided I was not going to stay in the kitchen playing short-order cook all day. Sometimes I do make a general breakfast or lunch for eveyrone some days (we have a sit-down family dinner most weeknights and a big family breakfast and lunch on Sundays), and I have felt a little guilty at times over having my kids make their own lunches, but I remind myself it is good training for them. (Especially with having all boys, I didn’t want them to be helpless in the kitchen. There have been times when I have been sick that I was so glad my husband knew basic cooking, and I wanted my boys to know that, too) Whatever the exact chores, it is good training for adulthood, not only in the specific tasks but in how to work in general for kids to have chores.
It might be good to have a family Bible study about work some time, pointing out that God gave Adam work to do before the Fall (so work itself is not a curse — it just became harder to do after sin entered the world) and going over verses in Proverbs about the diligent man and in the New Testament about providing for one’s own house (I Timothy 5:8) and doing our work quietly with out own hands (I Thess. 4:11-12; II Thess. 3:10-12).
Nowadays my guys are very good about helping with regular chores as well as bigger projects like the recent bathroom renovation. I love family projects like that for many reasons: the boys learn “how tos” of what is involved with that kind of thing that will help them when they’re the men of the house, plus a lot of good fellowship and family memories aren’t made just on vacations or “fun” times, but also on projects done together like that. Then they have the pride of accomplishment in the finished product.
One last thought: young children often have a natural desire to “help Mommy” and join in on whatever she’s doing. I tended to want to send my children off to play so I could do my work efficiently and peacefully (and quietly 🙂 ). But it really is better to let them “help.” It is always easier to teach a thing when the learner is eager to learn it, so, though it may take more time and seem like a little more trouble, it’s good to let a little one work with you, teaching them what to do (though you wouldn’t expect anything anywhere near perfection for years yet) and enjoying that time together.
Though we didn’t use this, Doorposts has a neat set-up called Stewardship Street for teaching good spending and saving principles.
(Show and Tell folks, that post is below this one)
Theme: Music | Become a Photo Hunter | View Blogroll
We have photos of the boys at the piano for their recitals going back fifteen years to when Jeremy started when he was in third grade. Though it might be interesting to post a picture of each of them when they started and then at their senior recitals (for the older two) and last year for Jesse — it would probably look a little redundant and not be of interest to anyone but me. So I decided to use a different pictures. Jason, my middle son, is the only one who was interested in other musical instruments. He taught himself to play the penny whistle and ocarina and a little of the guitar. I do have a picture of him playing the ocarina, but it just looks like he has his mouth on a rock, so I won’t use that one. 🙂
This is a picture of only one of two times he payed the penny whistle in public.
The penny whistle is used in a lot of Irish music, which we love, and they are playing an Irish hymn, Be Thou My Vision. The other couple was at our church for a missions conference and are now missionaries in Ireland. We knew the family of the young man when he was a little boy and we all went to the same church in another town, so that was a neat experience all the way around.
He also played at a senior concert, but that’s it. I had hoped he would go on and use these talents for the Lord, and he may yet some day. But for now he doesn’t like to “perform” in front of people. He just enjoys playing at home in his room, and we enjoy the sounds filtering through the walls. 🙂
Theme: Dirty | Become a Photo Hunter | View Blogroll
This is Suzie-the-dog getting undirty. You can tell how she feels about the process. Love her longsuffering, woebegone expression there.
In this picture the boys are more messy, really, than dirty. This was after the “finale” of their youth group competition at the end of the school year a few years ago. They were on opposite teams. They get a little crazy with the face paint and games that night! I think there was even a food fight….
Updated: This party kept coming to mind, so I decided to scan the picture in and include it, too. This was at Jason’s 6th birthday party 14 years ago. We had let him invite several guys for a birthday party at a state park which had a clear little stream they could wade in. On the invitations we advised that they wear something they could get wet and dirty in. I vividly remember Jason excitedly telling all his friends, “We get to get dirty!” Ideal fun for a 6 year old boy! All the activity is stirring up the dirt at the bottom and making the stream look all muddy. By the way, yes, that’s me there, very pregnant with Jesse. Can you believe he wasn’t born for another two months after this picture?
I first became aware of this concept through a beloved college professor, Dr. Walter Fremont, now with the Lord after having ALS for 20 years. He taught Child Psychology and Adolescent Psychology, among other things, and spoke at camps and conferences and retreats on the family.
In his book, Formula For Family Unity, in a chapter titled “Principles for Building Up Children For God,” he puts it like this:
Parents should not take the grit out of their children’s lives by protecting them from every hardship, blow, or disappointment. Remember, adversity strengthens character. For example…having them face the elements (rain, ice, and snow) while on a paper route will give them a strengthened will to face difficult times later in life. One mother thought she was helping her son…by getting up every morning at 5 a.m. to take him on his paper route. She was actually harming him by not letting him fulfill his own responsibilities. Children are resilient; they can take a lot if Mother doesn’t make them feel abused and neglected by an overly sympathetic attitude. Such a statement as, “Oh, honey, it’s so cold out there; I’m afraid you’ll freeze on your paper route,” produces a negative attitude in the mind of the child. Mother ought to say, “When you finish your paper route, I’ll have a cup of hot chocolate waiting and a good breakfast.”
Setting aside the example of a paper route (I don’t know if a child can do paper routes any more as they are so big now, and there are safety issues that weren’t as much of a concern then) and just concentrating on the principle at hand, do you hear the difference between the two responses from Mother in his example? The first can make the child feel sorry for himself and negative about what he has to do. The second is sympathetic and helpful, but in a positive, encouraging way, silently acknowledging, “It will be tough, but you can do it, and there will be something warm and comforting when you’re done.”
It’s kind of like the difference I learned to express when my firstborn was a toddler and preschooler. If he fell or did something where I thought he might have hurt himself, I’d gasp and rush to him: “Are you ok? Does it hurt? Are you bleeding? Poor baby! Come here and let me hug you. Shall I kiss it and make it better?” He may have been fine, but that reaction would make him think maybe he really did need that sympathy, and he would cry until he was comforted. Gradually I learned to just watch his reaction. If he seemed ok, we’d smile at each other, or I’d acknowledge what had happened in cheery voice, and he’d dust himself off and go on his merry way.
Of course, this has to be kept in balance. Sometimes sympathy, an arm around the shoulder, the knowledge that someone cares and understands, is just exactly what they need. God will give us the wisdom to know how to react to the different situations if we ask Him.
But I think as moms, especially, we have to curtail that inclination to want to smooth every path and make everything easy and take all the hardships and tough spots out of their lives. They’ll never be able to face the really tough stretches in the road of life later on if we do that.
See Rocks In My Dryer for a wealth of great tips.
I was going through a stack of Elisabeth Elliot newsletters from years ago looking for a particular article I wanted to reference in the ladies’ ministry newsletter. I didn’t find that one, but I found a few others I wanted to quote from both in the newsletter and here.
Elisabeth’s newsletters were published from late 1982 to 2003. They are stored online here. I’ve been thinking I should probably print out the ones I don’t have in hand in case they are ever taken offline. Many of the articles I have read multiple times and they still minister to me.
This one caught my eye because I have read several accounts among my online friends in the last few days concerning taking their older children to college. I struggled with missing mine even though they are only 45 minutes away: I can’t imagine what it is like to leave them several states or even countries away. Though distance is a factor, I think what we wrestle with is the idea that they are taking yet another step away from us in the journey toward adulthood. We know that’s the way it is supposed to be, and we wouldn’t hold them back, but that doesn’t mean we don’t miss them.
Here, then, is a column from the May/June 2001 Elisabeth Elliot newsletter about the time her only daughter was preparing for college.
Shortly before my daughter Valerie, my only child, went off to college as a freshman, a “sudden tide” came over me one morning as I was working in the kitchen. She had been the great joy of my life for seventeen years. When she was about eleven or twelve, friends heard me speak of what seemed to me a near-perfect mother-daughter relationship.
“Oh, but wait till she’s a teenager!” they warned, “then you’ll have some rough times.” I was still waiting. I could not conceive of life without her.
“She has grown up,” I told myself. “My job is finished, the job I loved more than anything else I have ever done. The nest is about to empty.”
Overcome with sadness, I sat down at the wicker table, picked up the phone, and dialed Van, who is the sort of friend you don’t have to explain things to. Tears came as soon as I tried to talk.
“It’s O.K., Bet,” she said quietly. “It’ll be O.K.”
She did not need to explain to me what she meant. She knew I understood. We believe the same things—things like Julian of Norwich’s “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.” But I needed to hear her say it. I needed to have the Word made flesh for me in her voice. Van’s simple word, “It’ll be O.K.,” encouraged me to trust and obey. I learned that in this renunciation I had what the seed has that falls into the ground—a new potential for life-giving. I would be lonely, but I now had something precious to offer in love to my Lord, which in turn would make something quite different out of my loneliness. In some mysterious way which I could not predict, that offering would bring forth fruit. It would make a difference to the wholeness of the Body of which I was but a single member.
The way we respond to the “givens” in our daily experience determines our growth in holiness. When we pray, “Give us this day our daily bread,” God answers that prayer, measuring out just what we need for spiritual as well as physical growth.
Jason’s birthday was in July while he was away at camp, and he wanted to wait til he got home to celebrate; then he wanted to wait til his friend came into town; then Jim had to unexpectedly go to an out of town meeting, so we finally celebrated on Friday evening.
We went bowling Friday afternoon, but on our 7th frame the proprietors had to reset the computers connected the scoreboards in each lane to the counter, which was supposed to take 3 minutes to reset and should have saved all our data. But they couldn’t get them to come back on. We waited for maybe 20 minutes or more, but then had to go because we had other events on the agenda. The bad thing was that I had bowled two strikes in a row and had a score of about 80 so far — a great day in bowling for me is when I break 100, and it looked like I was on my way! 🙂 Oh, well. When we told them we had to go, they gave us coupons for free games ad shoe rentals.
Jason’s visiting friend is of Indian descent, and Jason wanted to go to an Indian restaurant for his birthday dinner. I was apprehensive of offending his friend — I am not an adventurous eater and don’t like really spicy things. It did help with choosing what to order to have someone there who could explain the different dishes, and the waitress was also very helpful. They serve the food in little serving dishes in the center of the table, which each person then spoons onto his plate, so we were able to try bites of each other’s entrees. I was pleasantly surprised. I had tandoori chicken, which was very good. I also liked Jim’s beef masala and Jason’s chicken curry. Jeremy and Jesse had chicken tikka, which was a little too spicy for me. They had a type of bread called naan which was very good — it’s kind of like a soft puffy tortilla. I ordered mine with just butter, but some of the others ordered theirs with cheese. Both were great.
We headed back home to open Jason’s presents. The two major ones were a gift card to a favorite clothing store and a Nintendo DS light (what’s that saying about the difference between men and boys being the price of their toys? 🙂 ) He also got some flavored coffees (he’s my coffee connoisseur) and a few other little things.
Then we had cake and ice cream, and then Jesse took off for the all-nighter, a favorite annual event in the youth group where they go play laser tag and roller skate and other assorted things from 8:45 in the evening til breakfast the next morning. Why, I don’t know. 🙂 I do remember the thrill of staying up all night as a teen-ager, but I got over it.
So he was pretty much dead to the world Saturday afternoon. Jason took his friend up to the college Saturday so they could both check in and she could get moved into the dorms. We had had a lovely visit. It was nice to have a girl in the house for a change. 🙂
Jesse had had school camp last week: every year near the opening of the school year our school has a school camp with different chapel services, devotional times, and games, to get the school year started off on a right spiritual footing. Jim Van Gelderen was the preacher for the week. He was without the Minuteman team this time, but it is always a joy to have him at church.
But this week starts the first regular week of classes for Jesse, and Jason starts classes Thursday. So we’re getting in gear for our fall schedule.
The nice thing about the flurry of housecleaning at the beginning of last week is that, except for a few touch-ups, everything is done and I can relax on that front this week. Good thing, because I have the ladies ministry newsletter to work on this week (I can’t believe it is the last week in August already!) plus making up a master “wish list” for our missionary Christmas emphasis, plus a few other odds and ends.
So I have a busy but not too pressured week ahead. How about you?
Kelli at There’s No Place Like Home hosts “Show and Tell Friday” asking “Do you have a something special to share with us? It could be a trinket from grade school, a piece of jewelry, an antique find. Your show and tell can be old or new. Use your imagination and dig through those old boxes in your closet if you have to! Feel free to share pictures and if there’s a story behind your special something, that’s even better! If you would like to join in, all you have to do is post your “Show and Tell” on your blog, copy the post link, come over here and add it to Mr. Linky. Guidelines are here.“
My middle son, Jason, took a friend to the store yesterday to get supplies for college and brought these back for me, for no special reason.
Jason arrived safely home Saturday from Castlepoint Ministries (formerly Camp Lucerne) in CA. I hadn’t wanted to say before exactly where he was. Even though I don’t really think anyone would stalk him from reading my blog — better safe than sorry. They had had to leave in the evening to drive to Sacramento to fly out around midnight, but their flight was delayed, which caused them to miss their connecting flight in Houston. They were on standby for a couple of other flights that were full and finally got on one and arrived in Charlotte by 5 p.m. (originally due around 10:30 a.m.). I thought he would be dead tired and out like a light early on, but he was still up at 1:30 a.m. — then I remembered his body clock was still on CA time, three hours behind the east coast.
He had worked on operational staff for two previous summers, and this was his first summer as a counselor. He seemed to really enjoy it.
Jeremy’s birthday was on the 15th, but he wanted to wait to celebrate it til Jason got home, so we did that Saturday. One of our traditions is letting the birthday honoree pick dinner, so we went to Fuddruckers. Then we went home for presents and cake.
I won’t list all of his presents, but his interests are along technological lines, so his gifts reflected that. One was a GPS thing (you see how technologically inclined I am) that works with his blackberry. Another was this t-shirt with a glow-in-the-dark Transformer on it:
If you’re familiar with Homestar Runner, you might recognize this guy:
This is not just a cuddly plush toy — if you kick and toss it around it makes all kinds of little sounds. (Shrug. It’s a guy thing. 🙂 )
The next couple of days were spent cleaning for company — busy, but good to get a lot done in a concentrated effort. Jason’s company came in last night. I am a mother of three boys, and it is different having a girl around!
My birthday was yesterday, and we went to Fatz cafe (love their babyback ribs!) Jason’s friend and her mom gave me a pretty plaque with Psalm 118:24 on it. Jesse gave me a gift card to Michael’s (always a pleasure!); Jeremy gave me a hard drive for my computer (I had been talking with him about how to back up files and pictures now that all our new pictures are digital, and he said this was a good way to do it); Jason gave me Cassidy, a new book by Lori Wick. Jim gave me Summer, new and just out by Karen Kingsbury and The Mitford Beside Companion by Jan Karon. He also gave me a blender. I had asked for one. I have an old kitchen made multi-purpose appliance from 20-25 years ago. Not only is it bog and clunky to use and change features, but the controls are stiff. He also gave me a under-the-counter radio CD player to replace my big old boombox. That will leave so much room on the kitchen counter! I am already figuring out how to rearrange things. 🙂 All in all I had a nice though busy day. (No black balloons in honor of my 50th, thankfully!)
The rest of the week should be a lot less hectic. Jason’s birthday was in July, but he wanted to wait til he got home to celebrate, so we’re doing that tomorrow. I have to go get a few things for that, but otherwise the rest of the week will be pretty easy. I have another project due next week — I may go ahead and get started. I’m leaving myself open to just visit with Jason and his friend while she is here. They start back to college next week, so we won’t see either of them much. Jason’s friend is of Indian descent and he wants to go to an Indian restaurant for his birthday. I’m a little apprehensive about that. I am not an adventurous eater, and I don’t want to offend her. But having someone who knows what the choices are should help us find things we like.
Regular readers usually see a “Works-For-Me-Wednesday” post here — but I think I am officially out of tips. 🙂 I had been keeping a running list as tips came to mind that I could use, but I am at the end of it unless something else comes to mind. I am one more in need of tips than one who has great tips. But the WFMW runs regularly on Wednesdays at Rocks In My Dryer — I invite you to browse through the tips there today as I will be doing later on.
Happy Wednesday!
Stray Thoughts 