His Dear Wife

Posted on December 14, 2007 by Barbara Harper

Several years ago I heard Claudia Barba speak at a ladies’ conference at a nearby town. Her husband had been a church planter and an evangelist and currently has a ministry helping church planters get their churches established. He had spoken at a missions conference at our church a few years earlier and his family was there: I may have met Claudia then, but I didn’t know she spoke to ladies groups and I didn’t know she was the sister of a college friend, who was the pastor’s wife at this church. You know how some people can speak and convict you and you feel like you’ve been beaten up, and others can speak and convict you and leave you feeling hopeful and encouraged and looking forward to what the Lord can do in and through you. Claudia is the latter kind of speaker. Her talks were practical and convicting and went right to the root of my selfishness, but they were tremendously encouraging as well. At that time she mentioned an e-mail list she had started called “Monday Morning Club.” It was primarily for minister’s wives, but was open to everyone, so I subscribed. I’ve been enjoying Claudia’s Word-based instruction and encouragement ever since. Later our own ladies group was blessed to have Claudia as a speaker at our spring Ladies’ Luncheon.

This particular “Monday Morning Club” e-mail has spoken to my heart again and again. Even though my husband is not a pastor, every Christian is a minister of the gospel in some way, and I found much to convict and inspire in this piece. I don’t know what brought it to mind again, but when I thought of it this morning I e-mailed Claudia to ask permission to publish it here, and she graciously gave it.

If you would be interested in receiving Claudia’s Monday Morning Club e-mails, you can e-mail her at cbarba@ipresson.com. The Barba’s web site is Press On! Ministries.

His Dear Wife

by Claudia Barba

It happened again recently. Sitting in church, I heard the pastor welcome us to the service: Dave Barba and his “dear wife.” I think that pastors use that phrase as a graceful way to introduce me when they have forgotten my name. But it always makes me want to laugh as I imagine my husband as a majestic buck in the deep woods, and me as the docile doe by his side. My son (Bambi, I guess) added to my amusement years ago when, during a similar introduction, he grinned at me and formed antlers with his fingers on his head.

This time, after my invisible (I hope) laughter, I began to think about that word—“dear.” It was okay to daydream; none of the pastor’s announcements applied to me.

“Dear” people are precious—beloved, highly esteemed, valuable, cherished, and treasured. I like to believe that that is how my husband thinks of me. But “dear” also has another definition, and I am sadly aware that sometimes that meaning can apply to me as well. “Dear” can mean expensive. A wife can be precious to her husband, or she can be costly to him.

On a literal plane, I can be a drain on his budget or a plug for it. When money is scarce, I have to make every dollar stretch a mile. I can do it cheerfully and creatively, or I can do it grudgingly. One attitude makes me precious to him; the other makes me just another burden—his doe spending his dough.

When he preaches, I can be his silent cheerleader. I can stay awake. I can nod and smile at him from the pew, listen and take notes. I can thank him for praying and preparing, and tell him how the Lord has used his sermons to help me. That makes me precious. On the other hand, criticizing or ignoring his preaching costs him dearly, for it damages his confidence in the pulpit.

When enemies attack our ministry, I can crumple, weep, and blame him for my pain. After all, if he would just be perfect like me and please everybody all the time, no one would criticize and life would be bliss! Or I can bravely and tearlessly remind him in our most painful times that the Lord is the One Whose approval we need. Pleasing everybody else, all the time, is impossible.

If he has worked hard for few visible results, I can “dearly” remind him of the laws of sowing and reaping. I can point him to the future, when God will reward his labor. Or I can drain his spirit by questioning if the ministry is really worth all the work.

When he gets discouraged, I can find ways to lift his heart: a picnic in the park or a love letter slipped into his briefcase. I can pass along compliments from others and promises from the Lord. I can be steady, patient, prayerful, and dear until he’s himself again. I can be his ladder for climbing out of the pit. Or I can jump in with him and then expect him to lift me out.

I can praise his leadership at home and his skill working with people. I can honor the hidden character and steadfastness that I know better than anyone else. I can point out the good I see in him. How precious it is for a man to know that his wife admires him! Or I can take the good for granted and focus on his flaws—costing his self-image dearly.

Someday (long before your funeral, I hope), your husband may say that you are a woman with a price “far above rubies.” That can be true because of your incredible value to him, or because of what it costs him to keep you around. I want to be precious, not expensive—don’t you?

Missionary Christmas Gifts

Posted on November 21, 2007 by Barbara Harper

Since I have mentioned our church’s missionary Christmas gift project, I’ve had some questions about it, so I thought I would explain it a little more. But I want to say at the outset I would also love to hear what you or your church does, and I would also love to hear from missionaries about what things have been helpful and even not so helpful that individuals or churches have done for them.

Whatever you do for missionaries or servicemen or anyone overseas, contact them first. It is all too easy to be a burden rather than a blessing with packages. We have had some missionaries for whom the duties they would have to pay on packages would make receiving any kind of package prohibitive. Others can tell you particular designations to put on the customs forms that would cause the least problems or duties for them. In some countries there is a degree of corruption in the mailing system, and missionaries can alert you to wording on the customs form that would not draw undue attention. Some missionaries have people come over from the States regularly and would rather you send a package to those people who will then bring it when they come — this not only saves on shipping but is more secure. And most countries have lists of prohibited items. The United States Postal Service web site has an Index of Countries which you can click on to find specific prohibited lists and other details, like package size restrictions, for each country.

I also want to say that when I mention problems or frustrations, it’s not meant as whining or complaining. I just want to be realistic for anyone who might be contemplating doing this. Anything we do in this life, even as a ministry, will have it problems.

As it stands now, what we usually do is e-mail our missionaries in the summer to ask for gift ideas for their family members and ministry and any particular mailing instructions. We also ask for ages of children, sizes, color preferences, etc. We try to give them a reasonable time frame, knowing that they are busy and that some have only limited e-mail access (of course, for those with no e-mail or unreliable e-mail, you can always write them a note). The very first time we explained a little bit more about what we were doing, but most of our missionaries are familiar with it now.

Then I take all the responses and make a master list and make copies to give out to folks at church. I also make a master sign-up list which stays on the back table at church. As people peruse the lists, they sign up for the things they want to buy, and a designated box is placed for people to turn the items in as they buy them. We usually do this over the whole month of September. Then in our October ladies meeting we wrap and label the gifts, then over the next few weeks I package and mail them.

The lady from whom I got this idea would put the gift ideas on 3 x 5 cards and alphabetize them by missionary name, then set up a little table in the church lobby so that people could come to her, tell her who they wanted to provide a gift for, and she would give them a card and note who had what card on a list. That worked fine for that church, but for me, I personally would like to see the whole list before deciding what to buy. I’ve learned over the years that some people buy for particular people, but some people buy preferred things. One lady used to buy tennis balls and golf balls every year because we would have some of those on several missionary lists: another lady who was a nurse liked to buy anything of a medical nature, etc. Some people prefer to donate money, and I use that for gifts that haven’t been signed up for or to “fill in” (for instance, if one child in a family gets socks and another has two toys, I try to find a toy to balance it out).

Another lady mentioned putting the gift ideas on paper ornaments on a Christmas tree in the lobby to make it a real “Christmas in September” (or July or whenever you do it). Though I really like this idea, I’d be afraid of some of the ornaments being accidentally knocked off or blown off or taken off by little kids, etc.

I ask for the items to be turned in unwrapped for a couple of reasons. I don’t want to over-manage, but sometimes people do get the wrong thing or the wrong size or title. Sometimes the gift isn’t quite appropriate: someone recently turned in an item for a one year old that was better suited to an infant. Sometimes people turn things in in big gift boxes that are bigger than the postal size restrictions, so we have to repackage them.

One of the problems that I encounter is timing. Sometimes the missionaries don’t respond in time (many are great about answering right away, and some travel and don’t see my message for a while, but some, just like us, don’t “get around to it.” When I do hear from them after I have made the master list, I can either buy their gifts with designated money, or often someone at church will come to me near the end of our endeavor to ask if anything is still needed, and I can give them ideas from those late entries.) And sometimes church folks don’t get things turned in on time, so it can take a while to tie up all the loose ends.

Another problem is that some missionaries will have people sign up for a lot of items, and others will have few to none. Part of this has to do with accessibility: people easily sign up for things they can get at the grocery store or Wal-Mart. They also tend not to sign up for anything over about the $20 range. Some families don’t mind spending $25-50, but they don’t want to spend that all on one thing. Many missionaries send us a variety of ideas and tell us they don’t expect everything on the list but just want to give a variety, which is excellent. We do ask the missionaries to designate on their lists if there is anything they prefer more that another on those lists, but only one has ever done that. So sometimes we end up with one missionary family with two boxes full of smaller grocery store items and another who only listed maybe one idea per person, but those items were harder to find or a little more expensive, and those missionaries don’t get signed up for at all, though the totals of the items on their list are about the same. I do try to emphasize to the folks at church that it would be better to have one gift per person than many gifts for one and none for another. At this point we take care of that with designated money or funds from our ladies’ budget, but I am trying to figure out a better way to handle it. I don’t at all begrudge the one family the two boxes of stuff, especially the items that I know they can’t get in their country — but I don’t want another family to have little.

Some churches deal with this by buying the same items for every missionary family, so they all get the same packages. But I would really rather personalize it with things that they truly want and can use. One missionary friend was telling me that those kinds of packages almost always contain toiletries, and though they appreciate the intent and the thought, they’re almost overrun with toiletries. So I think a generic package that would be meaningful might be hard to do unless it is something personal or homemade. Another church I know sends $25 per person for each missionary family member (usually to their mission board, but check with the mission board or missionary first to find out what’s best for that individual family), and that’s fine, too. But it is fun for them to get packages in the mail, and even with cash, there are items that some can’t get in their country that we’re happy to send.

Despite some of the problems mentioned, this is a joy to do, and we have heard from our missionary families that it is a blessing. I don’t know if there is an ideal or problem-free way to handle gift-giving overseas.

This is the first year that we are mailing things without benefit of what used to be called “surface mail,” the slowest but cheapest mailing rate (one person said things sent by surface mail went via boat, train, or llama. 🙂 ) The post office did away with it because they felt senders were more interested in speed and reliability than a low cost factor. When I first heard this earlier in the year, I consulted our pastor and church business manager to see if we should do anything differently. They said to just do things the same way this year and we’d evaluate before doing anything next year. It will probably cost us easily twice the shipping fees as in previous years. We want to be generous and be a blessing to our missionaries, but we want to be good stewards, too, so we may have to do something different next year, like put an emphasis on just sending things they can’t get in their country or sending one item per person or something else in the future. I’m not quite sure yet what we will do.

Some general tips for sending overseas mail:

— Though it is nicer to send things in gift boxes, when you’re sending a lot you have to compress everything down to the smallest and lightest packaging that you can.

— Anything liquid — lotion, shampoo, etc. — need to be put in a sealable bag and have some packaging material around it to absorb it if it should spill.

— Things with strong odors (soaps, candles) need to be put into sealable bags and placed away from food items in the shipping box.

— Anything breakable needs to be wrapped with packaging material to cushion it.

— There might be some things, like books, that can be ordered online and (and sometimes even gift-wrapped) and shipped directly to the person.

More mailing tips are here.

This wasn’t originally intended as a “Works For Me Wednesday” post, but then I decided it would work for that, too. You can find more tips, or add your own, at Rocks In My Dryer.

Works-For-Me Wednesday: Gleaning ideas for banquet, shower, and party themes

Posted on June 20, 2007 by Barbara Harper

For 14 years I went to a church that had an amazing group of people who coordinated the social functions of the church — banquets, father-son outings, church picnics, etc. At any kind of banquet (they had three annually: a sweetheart banquet in February, later changed into a “Midwinter Banquet” to be more inclusive of everyone in the church rather than just those in relationships; a missions banquet in the fall, and a ladies’ banquet in the spring) they had beautiful and imaginative ways of working a theme out into the decorations and favors. It didn’t occur to me until my last few years there to start a file to record some of these ideas for future use. I made file folders for the different types of banquets and a couple more for baby and wedding showers, then I would include a copy of the program and maybe even a page of notes of some of the details. In the shower files I’d include a particularly cute invitation or ideas about games or centerpieces, etc.

Several years later I found myself the coordinator of the ladies’ group at church, and one of our functions is the annual ladies’ luncheon (used to be mother/daughter banquet, but once again, we wanted to make it more inclusive). I haven’t copied any of the ideas verbatim — in fact, I think I have only used one variation of one of the themes there — but sometimes it is inspirational just to flip through that folder. The memory of seeing a theme creatively worked out through the details of a banquet spurs more creativity in applying the process to different themes.

You could even expand this to include a file for different types of party ideas. We’ve had the generic birthday parties at the putt-putt place and simple ones with just cake and ice cream and presents, but a few times we’ve had themed parties — a train one, a Lego one, an army one, and a detective one — that were a lot of fun. The Family Fun magazine web site has tons of ideas for themed parties. We found a few ideas for the detective party just by searching on the internet, and what we found plus a little thought led to more ideas.

I’m starting a Word document to jot down other theme ideas as they come to mind to possibly be worked out later.

(An updated P.S.: You can also find a wealth of ideas for banquets/luncheons at the Creative Ladies Ministry site, a book called Let’s Plan a Party from Regular Baptist Press, and the Sweet Monday ministry for ladies’ meetings).

For more works-for-me tips, visit Shannon’s place at Rocks In My Dryer.

Ladies Luncheon

Posted on June 18, 2007 by Barbara Harper

The ladies’ luncheon went well. We had a lot less people than usual due to so many people being out of town or having family obligations. Even as busy as the May schedule is around church and school, it seems to be a better time for this, so I am going to go to the church office this week to try to secure a date.

I think I mentioned before that the theme was “The Heart of the Matter” taken from I Peter 3:3-4, “Whose adorning…let it be the hidden man of the heart.” Our colors were pink and chocolate brown. I have a tendency to go kind of Victorian with decorations for things like this, so I was trying to make it look more contemporary. Several ladies spent a couple of evenings “adorning” hearts with scrapbooking paper (what’s funny is that I didn’t even make the connection with adorning until Saturday) and putting them on wire stems for use in the centerpieces. I posted pictures of some of them here, but here is one shot of them.

Then I mentioned earlier that my original idea for centerpieces wasn’t going to work because it was too tall — and I didn’t realize this until the Thursday before we were to decorate on Friday evening! So part of Thursday was spent scrambling around trying to find an alternate solution. I did find some smaller vases at Wal-Mart for 97 cents and some smaller sprigs of greenery at Michael’s for 99 cents. I really think the bigger centerpiece looked better and I liked it better and it could incorporate more of the hearts — but the little ones “fit” better on the tables.

I forgot to bring my camera when we decorated Friday night, so I just took a couple of hurried pictures Saturday. I wish I had taken the time to get better shots, but here is one of the tables.

I found those pink and brown napkins at Hobby Lobby — thought the brown ones looked delicious, just like chocolate. 🙂 We scattered around some of the heart cut-outs from some of the different sized craft punch things I had around the center of the tables (we had also used some in decorating the individual hearts). Above each place setting we set the favors, little heart-shaped tins from a company called beau coup (they have scads of heart-shaped items!) I special ordered M&Ms in brown and pink and had the pink ones printed with different kinds of hearts found in Scripture (a merry heart, a pure heart, etc.). The picture I took at the time didn’t show the words on the M&Ms — they were turned over. 🙄 So here is a shot taken of one at home:

By the way, this is what a 5 lb. bag on M&Ms looks like:

I didn’t think it looked like much — but it goes pretty far. We still have some left over.

I had washed out all the little favors beforehand and set them out to air dry so there wouldn’t be any moisture left to cause the candy coating from the M&Ms to melt.

I don’t know if the tins were meant to be ready-to-load — they probably were — but I couldn’t help thinking of all the hands that would have handled them from the manufacturing through the sending processes, and it just made me feel better to know they were all clean (have I mentioned being germophobic?) Then — I had let them sit out overnight Thursday to thoroughly dry. The next morning, Jesse thought he heard something n the enclosed fireplace. Jim looked, but didn’t see anything. When he moved the fireplace insert out a little, a bird that had been trapped behind it flew out — and flew upstairs into the kitchen where these were on the table! And the dog, who was still inside (we bring her in at night) followed the bird up there! My husband assured me the bird flew around the outside of the room and not across the table, and the dog was too interested in the bird to pay attention to the table. Honestly, if there had been time, I probably would have washed the tins out again just to be safe (I am that fanatical about cleanliness in relation to food — sadly not about cleanliness in general, as my floors and desk can attest), but there just wasn’t. I didn’t see any feathers or dust or debris or anything on them, so I carried on as planned.

But to get back to the luncheon…

Our speaker was Beneth Peters Jones, for those of you who know her. She is always a wonderful speaker, very down to earth and funny, yet always drawing the focus back to God and the grace He gives to fulfill what He requires. One of the most gracious people God created. We had tried to schedule her for a couple of years, and she was very willing and interested, but she was always out of the country when we had asked before. So that was one plus to having the luncheon outside of our normal time frame. Some of the ladies there said they had never heard her, so I was glad they were able to.

Overall everything went very well. We always have this catered, and the food was great. I am so thankful for ladies who helped set up and clean up. To those of you who prayed for calmness of heart, mind, spirit, and body for me as I had asked earlier — thank you. The Lord abundantly answered!

And though I enjoy doing this — it is nice to have it over. 🙂 My mind is till buzzing, though, and I jotted down a couple of different theme ideas to consider for next year along with a few ways to implement them.

I want to come back later today to talk about a book I finished last week, and I have a couple of other posts simmering on the back burner. I need to catch up on housework today and sort out the receipts to turn in to the church office and other assorted tasks. And I need to figure out what to do about those curtains in my family room! I received the fabric I ordered a while back but haven’t even opened the box. I hadn’t thought about lining them when I ordered the other fabric, so I need to decide about that before I can get started, plus look at trim to match the fabric. So my next project is all lined up and waiting…

Tell me what you think…

Posted on June 15, 2007 by Barbara Harper

I’ve been getting things together for centerpieces for this ladies’ luncheon and thought I had things pretty well in hand when I realized my centerpieces were too tall. I took them to the church yesterday to try them out — and, yep, it’s right in the line of sight of the person directly across the table. A friend with me thought it was ok — they’re big round tables and you usually talk to the people around you rather than across from you because you feel like you’re shouting across. But it’s just one of those cardinal rules I learned somewhere that the centerpiece shouldn’t be so tall that you can’t see over it.

So — I spent part of yesterday hammering out a plan B, came up with a couple of possibilities, and found a smaller vase and greenery. I still think I’ll keep the big one maybe to put on the clavinova.

Here’s the big one (not in its final polished form — just put together to get an idea):

And here’s the little one with the smaller vase:

Think the smaller one looks ok?

The theme, by the way, is “The Heart of the Matter” from I Peter 3:3-4: “Whose adorning…let it be the hidden man of the heart.”

A little peek

Posted on May 15, 2007 by Barbara Harper

Last night our ladies’ group worked on some decorations that will be incorporated into centerpieces at our ladies’ luncheon in June. The theme is “The Heart of the Matter,” taken from I Peter 3:3-4: “Whose adorning…let it be the hidden man of the heart.” Our colors are pink and chocolate brown.