When children’s beliefs and practices differ from ours

Posted on January 7, 2009 by Barbara Harper

When you work with young people, whether as a parent, teacher, or just another adult with some influence in a particular child’s life, there comes a time when you’re dismayed to discover the child has a mind of his or her own and is not afraid to use it. 🙂 Of course we want our young people to develop and use their minds, but when they take views opposite to ours sometimes we wish for the “easier” days when they agreed with everything we told them and our primary care of them was physical (though at that time we longed for the days ahead when our kids could take care of themselves more.)

Let me encourage us to, first of all, keep the lines of communication open, and second of all, to choose our battles. I sometimes wince at that last phrase because I have seen some parents use it when they abandon training their children in some area that the child is resisting. But there are some areas of difference that are fine and just expressions of different personalities. For instance, if you like pastels and florals in your decorating, but your daughter likes dramatic colors and modern abstract patterns, that’s fine. God gave us different personalities to reach different people.

It’s a little harder when it comes to different convictions. We may hold strong views on courtship vs. dating or schooling or entertainment choices or any number of things, and we see signs that our children are not going to maintain those views in their adulthood. Romans 14 applies within families as well as within the church. I had to really wrestle with some of these things when we lived out of state and could not find a church that held to some of our convictions, though we found many with whom we agreed doctrinally. Unity in Christianity doesn’t mean we all do everything the exact same way. Roman 14 and related passages teach that good people can be on complete opposite sides of an issue and still be right with God, still doing what they do as unto the Lord, fully persuaded in their own minds that what they are doing is what He wants. So we need to discern whether the issue involved is a matter of core doctrine and truth or whether it is an issue that good people can disagree on. If the latter, as parents, teachers, authorities. or mentors, we can still insist that a certain standard be maintained in our home or classroom, but we don’t need to regard the young person with the differing conviction as a second-class Christian or as out of the will of God.

Still harder and scarier is when the young person does begin to question our core values, doctrines, and beliefs. Let me encourage us all not to shut down the questions. The first fundamentalist pastor I had was an old-school authoritarian who not only did not entertain questions but looked on the questioner with suspicion as a rebel. Even as adults we can sometimes wrestle with questions like “How do I know this is all really true?” I’ve often prayed for myself as well as my children, when those kinds of questions come up, that if there are answers, the Lord would help us find them, but also help us to be willing to take by faith what there are no answers for. One of the best messages I have ever hear along these lines was “God Is Wise and We Are Not” by Dan Olinger of the BJU faculty. I like that he says “God is able to handle our questions.” He doesn’t always answer them the way we’d like. But He’s not intimidated by them. And, honestly, I’d much rather have a young person wrestle through some of these things and truly make their beliefs their own and come out the stronger in their faith for it than to be swept along in a positive peer pressure without knowing why they believe what they believe.

The hardest of all, though, in this progression of differences between our beliefs and our young people’s, is when they outright reject truth. The Common Room a few weeks ago shared some remarks that started off my whole line of thinking here. The context of the remarks she has that I want to share had to do with a child of friends who was marrying someone the parents did not approve of. I’ve seen parents handle things the way she describes, a way that will make reconciliation all the harder, if not impossible, and I felt her thoughts here to be valuable:

I wrote last year about an unhappy wedding we attended (and that wedding has already ended), and while I wrote it specifically about a situation where a rebellious and wayward young person was marrying somebody most unsuitable, the general principles apply to several situations, and I’m reviving it slightly for this post:

I am seeing an awful lot of defrauding going on- and it’s the parents defrauding their children.

The time to raise objections, to point out possible character flaws, to object to a relationship that you believe may be toxic- even if you are right, dead on target, and absolutely correct in all your judgments is before there is a relationship to cloud judgment, before saying these things will cause a fatal wound in your child’s relationship with you, and especially if you allowed that relationship to develop in the first place.

Do not let your most fondly cherished hopes and dreams for how your child’s marriage will happen… come between you and your adult Progeny, whether they share those hopes and dreams or crush them under foot.

I have conservative views on mating, dating (we don’t believe in it) and courtship, views shared by my husband happily, still shared by our Progeny- but those views are not more important to us than our children themselves.

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love….

All my earnestly held beliefs in the world will not matter a fig if I conduct a slash and burn policy towards a wayward child and use my convictions as an axe against the root of our relationship in such a way as to drive my adult son or daughter away from me. In fact, in several instances I can think of, parents have attempted to bludgeon adult children into compliance with their own cherished convictions, only to see that weapon shift in their hands and become a catapult which only serves to launch that young person as far away from his parents as possible, often into the arms of any waiting other.

It is possible to speak winsomely and gently of those convictions, to explain them sweetly when leavened well with humility.

But too often we prefer to pontificate proudly and strut and huff and puff about them, sure that we are producing a new breed, if only that breed will shut up and get in line, we mean, obey their spiritual heads, and then it is of no matter how pleasing to God the convictions themselves may or may not be, our hearts are poisoned in His eyes, and we are acting in such fashion as to poison any future relationships with unsaved in-laws and grandchildren.

It is a tragedy to see parents angrily but sincerely pleading, insisting, that their children return to the fold, something they truly desire with all their hearts, while all the time they are pleading, they are pouring gasoline on the bridge between them and their loved ones and then setting it afire.

There are times we do have to take a painful stand. But we need to remember that some of God’s tenderest expressions of love, some of the times He most reveals His heart for His people, are in those passages in the prophets where He is having to confront them with their sin. “Hate the sin, love the sinner” applies to loved ones as well as to strangers — perhaps even more so. The purpose of chastisement is reconciliation. We need to avoid destroying the relationship and making it all the harder for the young person to return to the fold while standing for truth. Let us not burn the bridges but rather, like the prodigal son’s father, gaze with anticipation down a clear path while we wait for their return.

(Photo courtesy of the stock.xchng)

Catching up

Posted on November 1, 2008 by Barbara Harper

My word, you all are prolific! I had to discipline myself not to even open Google Reader yesterday til I finished my task. After dinner I finally got to “play” a while — and there were over 120 posts! I read some last night and some this morning. Saturdays are typically slow in Blogland, so it is a good day to catch up.

I also missed out on Friday’s Fave Five, Show and Tell Friday, Saturday Photo Hunt, but it is my own fault.

The last week of the month finds me working on a newsletter/booklet for our ladies’ group at church. I never know quite what to call it. It started out as about eight pages with news of our group, our missionaries, and other little bits of interest to women, based on a similar booklet my mother-in-law’s church published. I took some of those to my pastor and asked if we could do the same, and he said, “Go for it!” This month marks my eighth year of doing it, and it has grown to 16 pages and includes a section on devotions, a book summary of a missionary book or biography or an anecdote from a missionary’s life, an “around the house” section of tips or encouragement for homemakers, a “Christian womanhood” section where I rotate topics related to different to women in different situations — single, married, mom, older, widowed, etc. Some of it I write myself, some of it I compile from other sources. It is a blessing to me — sometimes I would love to lay aside other ministry tasks and just do this.

Oh, there is also a “funny pages” section at the back. That is probably what I get the most comments on. 🙂

It seems that most bloggers love to write to some degree — you might ask your pastor about a similar ministry, and he just might say, “Go for it!”

Some months I know what I am going to put in the booklet, and it is just a matter of getting it down. Other times I am not so sure until I get started. This month was about half and half. I usually work on it the last week of the month to have out the first Sunday of the next month. I keep telling myself I should work on it earlier then let it “sit” and incubate for a while and edit it the last week — I would probably catch more mistakes that way and find better ways to word things. But I somehow end up not doing that. This particular week I ended up not getting the bulk of it done until the last two days!

I don’t work best under pressure — but I do get more done under pressure.

But my point in saying all of this is to testify that God is faithful to guide and direct and give ideas even to such small endeavors as this. There was one section I was drawing a blank on until He reminded me of an idea I considered last month, but then went another direction. I hadn’t made note of it and had forgotten it. Sometimes putting the clip art in can be the most time-consuming part of it, but He reminded me of a file I had downloaded some type back under an obscure title. Time after time I see Him faithfully helping things to come together, giving me ideas, etc. And I have seen that in other areas of ministry as well. So I just wanted to encourage you not to refrain from certain types of ministry because you don’t think you’d know what to do. If it is something the Lord wants you to do, He will work through you and help you to do it.

“In other news”… last night was Halloween, and somehow our neighborhood gets flooded with many more people than I ever see on the streets here at any other time. I think people from other neighborhoods, or maybe a nearby apartment complex, bring their kids here. I even saw one truck that hauled a lot of people around. We always get some kids’ tracts printed up for just such a purpose (our local Christian bookstore has them but they can also be ordered at Good News Publishing) to give out with the candy. I bought 114 tracts — about all our bookstore had that I liked — and those were gone within about 45 minutes. I scrambled around between my purse and desk and a cabinet and found maybe 40 or so more. Then we just gave out handfuls of candy but got tired after a while and went ahead and closed the door and shut off the lights. We have much more candy left over than any of us needs — I may send some to the dorms with Jason’s girlfriend.

I used to be very anti-Halloween, and I still think there is a darker side to it. I feel almost oppressed sometimes at the types of things in the stores and on TV — I don’t watch horror movies, but I do see them listed and advertised a lot this time of year. And I think a lot of the really gruesome costumes and decorations go too far. But I can see how it can also be an innocent, fun time of dressing up and having fun.

When my older boys were little, a friend used to host a fall party on a week apart from Halloween. Each year it was a different theme: one year it was clowns, one it was fairy-tale characters, one it was what you want to be when you grow up. The kids just loved that, and I loved the creativity of getting a costume together to fit the theme. If I had time today I’d scan in some of their costumes, but I don’t — and this post is too long already. My friend also had games and goodies, and those parties were some of my favorite memories from my kids’ childhood.

Speaking of going on too long, I need to get going, but I wanted to share one last thing. A few days ago I mentioned I was chuckling over a mom in a store calling to her little son, “Walker, don’t run!” Well, this morning there was a related headline in the paper that made me chuckle again:

Have a good weekend!

Making cards

Posted on October 9, 2008 by Barbara Harper

Kelli at There’s No Place Like Home has started hosting an opportunity for bloggers to show their cards, bookmarks, or other paper crafts on Thursdays. I’ve been enjoying Kelli’s cards and others for a long time.

I have posted this picture before, but these are bookmarks I made when our ladies’ group was making them to send to our missionaries to use in their ministry.

This one was made a couple of years ago as a thank you to someone who helped with our ladies’ banquet where the theme had to do with hearts.

This past week our ladies met to make some cards for our missionaries to use. Here are a few I made:

We had a lady in our church who I call The Card Master show our ladies some techniques to make cards last month, and one idea she gave us was to start with what she called “cheater cards.” They sell these by the box at craft stores: cards with different background designs which you can then add embellishment to. Our ladies who hadn’t made cards before thought this was a great way to get started. Here is one that one of the ladies made:

And finally, this is one The Card Master made:

You can see she is eons ahead of the rest of us!! But that’s one reason I enjoy doing this together — it inspires more creative ideas.

Kelli, I think I have been bitten by the card-making bug!

By the way, I created a Flickr group called Creative Cards here — if any of you use Flickr for your photos, I’d love to have you submit your cards there!

Poetry Friday: Grandmother’s Beatitudes

Posted on September 19, 2008 by Barbara Harper

I liked this when I first saw it in Elisabeth Elliot’s March/April 2003 newsletter, but it means even more now that my mother-in-law has moved near us. I have seen it in some places as “Grandmother’s Beatitudes,” other places as “Beatitudes for friends of the aged.”

Blessed are those who understand
My faltering step and palsied hand.

Blessed are those who know that my ears today
Must strain to catch the things they say.

Blessed are those who seem to know
That my eyes are dim and my wits are slow.

Blessed are those who looked away
When coffee spilled at table today.

Blessed are those with a cheery smile
Who stop to chat for a little while.

Blessed are those who never say,
“You’ve told that story twice today.”

Blessed are those who know the ways
To bring back memories of yesterdays.

Blessed are those who make it known
That I’m loved, respected, and not alone.

Blessed are those who know I’m at a loss
To find the strength to carry the Cross.

Blessed are those who ease the days
On my journey Home in loving ways.

– Esther Mary Walker

Poetry Friday is hosted this week by author amok.

Site-seeing

Posted on September 15, 2008 by Barbara Harper

Thanks to those who prayed for my family in Texas through Ike’s onslaught. They lost power around 2 a.m. the night it hit, but otherwise had no damage. I don’t know yet if the power has been restored — I haven’t been able to get in contact with them since Saturday morning, so that may be one indication they haven’t.

I wanted to share some interesting posts I’ve found recently:

How to help a family in a medical emergency at Adventures In Daily Living, HT to Rocks In My Dryer. Excellent advice.

How Christan Women Can Mentor and Be Mentored.

Books Build Character by The Common Room. Yet another excellent reason to read.

The Common Room has also been keeping up with several posts detailing the media feeding frenzy since Sarah Palin was named McCain’s running mate. It’s just amazing.

Semicolon has lots of links and resources to say Goodbye to Summer, Hello Autumn.

I found TipNut via Susan at By Grace. This post shares several 25 household tips. Some are outdated, like the one about cords on packages — I don’t think the Post Office allows cords or twine any more, do they? But most are really good. I’ve enjoyed subscribing and getting tips every day ranging from household tasks to craft ideas, like this one about organizing craft supplies and sewing rooms, and this thumb pincushion looks sooo handy.

Sew, Mama, Sew! has a great tutorial on sewing lined curtains, just in time! I hope to start mine this week. There is also one for cut-out curtains — embellishing plain panel curtains with designs cut out from other fabrics.

Here are some other neat crafty ideas:

This quilted potholder looks like a great way to try beginning quilting, as well as tying together a color scheme.

The cutest doorstop I have ever seen.

Christmas mitten ornaments out of felt.

A button/toile reversible heart ornament (the bottom half of the page).

A lovely and a little different fall centerpiece from Hydrangea Home.

Finally, I have been remiss in acknowledging the kindness of blog friends who have sent awards my way.

Carolyn at Talk to Grams gave me this Proximidade award. “To translate the gift from Portuguese to English, it means:”This blog invests and believes, the proximity” [meaning, that blogging makes us ‘close’ -being close through proxy] How awesome is that?? They all are charmed with the blogs, where in the majority of its aims are to show the marvels and to do friendship; there are persons who are not interested when we give them a prize, and then they help to cut these bows; do we want that they are cut, or that they propagate? Then let’s try to give more attention to them! So with this prize we must deliver it to 8 bloggers that in turn must make the same thing and put this text.”

I clicked back through several links trying to discover where this originated, but gave up after a while. It evidently began with someone who speaks Portuguese. 🙂

I’m going to pass this on to Alice, Jen, Susan, Susanne, Bet, Lizzie, Ann, and Melli. I know a couple of these ladies don’t “do” awards, but I still want to acknowledge them.

Mindy passed along this award:

Thanks Mindy! I passed this along to others a while back, so i won’t do so now.

Alice gave me this Super Commenter award:

as well as this bunch of tulips:

Mama Bear gave me this:

I’d like to pass this one on to Janet at Across the Page, Kelli at There’s No Place Like Home, Ivory Spring and Cindy Lou at Skip to My Lou.

Thank you all so much for thinking of me! You are very kind! Forgive me for taking too long to acknowledge some of these.

And now I think I am caught up! Have a good Monday!

Tone makes a difference

Posted on June 24, 2008 by Barbara Harper

Recently I came across something written by a woman for women for the purpose of helping women, the content of which was excellent, but the tone was quite harsh.

I don’t know about other people, but a harsh tone tends to put me off and make the message hard to receive even when I know it is good. What does tend to draw me in is a coming-alongside, desiring-to-help attitude.

I don’t mean that we should be namby-pamby, cowardly, and spineless, or sacrifice truth under the guise of “love.” I know some of the prophets in Scripture could seem pretty harsh in their denunciations. But some of the tenderest expressions of God’s love and care are also found in those messages from the prophets. “The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee” (Jeremiah 31:3) and “Is Ephraim my dear son? is he a pleasant child? for since I spake against him, I do earnestly remember him still: therefore my bowels are troubled for him; I will surely have mercy upon him, saith the LORD” (Jeremiah 31:20) are just a couple.

I know in my own life, before salvation, realizing that I deserved hell all made me see my need. And though perhaps it was the fear of hell that drove me to seek deliverance, it was the grace and love of God that drew me to Him. Since then, holding up the standard of God’s Word and the realization that I have missed the mark and that I need to get something right with Him convicts me, but the knowledge that “we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities” and the invitation to therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 15:16) draws me.

One of my children in particular who seemed most to “need,” by his actions, scolding and reprimand, would just close up and withdraw when I “let him have it” verbally. It not only didn’t change his behavior, it put a wall between us. I had to learn to balance dealing with the issue and showing love, care and concern. Other times a harsh scolding produces a defensive reaction.

I also had to learn that exasperation (which can often lead to that kind of harsh attitude) is often a fleshly response: I’m irritated that this is still going on, that I have to deal with it again, that the child doesn’t “know better” and hasn’t “gotten” it by now. How unlike God, whose mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). How unlike the “wisdom that is from above” which “is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy” (James 3:17).

We need to be careful, too, in any kind of mentoring situation that we don’t approach it with an eye-rolling, exasperated, “Young people these days!” kind of attitude. That is sure to turn others off to any good we might want to do them. And we need to remember the purpose: when we have to deal with an issue, whether with a child, an employee, a committee member, or the general public in a book, blog, or talk, the purpose for dealing with the issue is not just to “get it off our chests.” That’s one sure way to come across as “scolding.” The purpose is to get them to see the importance of the issue and to change, not for our personal satisfaction, but for the stake of the truth we’re presenting.

Once I was listening to a sermon on the radio from a local pastor. I knew of him, I had read his books, I agreed with what he was preaching…yet at the end of it, something bothered me, and I couldn’t figure out what at first. Then I realized his main message, hammered over and over, was, “You need to get right.” Nothing wrong with that message: we do. But my own pastor at the time, whose ministry I was under for over fourteen years, would have said, “We need to get right” and then “There’s hope: here’s how to get right.” Though my pastor was one of the godliest men I have ever known, he, like Daniel (Daniel 9:1-19) and Ezra (Ezra 9), though they had not participated in Israel’s sin, yet they took their place with Israel and confessed the sins of the nation as though they were their own. I think that attitude of a fellow sinner helping sinners will help our message come across more compassionately.

We’ve all been under different kinds of authority figure in our lives and know what is it to have an infraction dealt with in such a way that we’re left hurt, deflated, discouraged, or angry, or, on the other hand, inspired to want to do right and to make restoration.

Of course, we’re responsible for the truth we hear no matter what tone or form it comes in. When we stand before God to give account of our lives, the excuse that we didn’t like how so-and-so delivered the message won’t hold up as a reason for not obeying it. If we are on the receiving end of a message with a harsh or scolding attitude, we still need to hear and apply and respond to the truth in the way the Lord would have for us to. But when we are sharing truth in any venue, let us remember to “Walk in wisdom toward them that are without, redeeming the time. Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man” (Colossians 4:5). The salt — the truth — is needed, but don’t forget the wisdom and the grace.

I survived…

Posted on May 24, 2008 by Barbara Harper

…my public speaking experience, that is. And I have concluded that this is definitely not what I want to make a career out of. 🙂 Thank you for praying — the Lord helped abundantly.

The theme of the tea was “Fill My Cup, Lord,” with the theme verses being those about the woman at the well in John 4 and Isaiah 12:3: “Therefore with joy shall ye draw water out of the wells of salvation.” Of course, the song “Fill My Cup, Lord” was sung. I figured with that theme and my friend JoAnne’s love of tea pots, there would probably be tea things used in the decorations, and there were. 🙂 The centerpieces were various teapots filled with flowers, and the favors were cups and saucers with tea (I chose one with pink roses, of course).

As per Jewel‘s request, I’ll post what I shared. The time window I was given was about 20 minutes. When I ran through it at home a couple of times, it took 19 and then 18 minutes. I am not sure how long it ended up being today.

When we ask the Lord to fill our cups, what do we need? What do we want Him to fill them with?

I. The cup of salvation

The woman at well did not know her need until Jesus mentioned living water. I have heard that by the time you feel thirsty, it’s past time to get hydrated: you can be in need of water without even realizing it. So, too, can people have spiritual needs without realizing it. In Revelation 3:14-22, the Lord tells the Laodocean church, the lukewarm church, in vv 17-18, “Because thou sayest, I am rich, and increased with goods, and have need of nothing; and knowest not that thou art wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked: I counsel thee to buy of me gold tried in the fire, that thou mayest be rich; and white raiment, that thou mayest be clothed, and that the shame of thy nakedness do not appear; and anoint thine eyes with eyesalve, that thou mayest see.” They thought they were fine; they thought they needed nothing, but in truth they were in dire need of the very things they thought they were ok in. We know people need the Lord even if they don’t realize it.

The woman at the well still thought Jesus was talking about physical water. By the way, don’t get discouraged if you are trying to talk to someone about the Lord and they don’t understand right away. That is not uncommon. In the parable of the sower, Jesus compared people to a field and the seed to the Word of God. Sometimes when you share the Word, first you have to pull out a few weeds, and you have to give it water and sunshine before it grows. Paul said in I Cor. 3:6, “I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase.”

This lady was ready to find the kind of water and the source of water that would cause her never to thirst and never to have to come down to the well to get water any more. But Jesus told her she needed living water. Notice also He brought out her sin, but He didn’t beat her over the head with it right when He first began talking to her. There has been a movement afoot over the years to deemphasize our sin and concentrate on God’s love. But our sin is the very reason we need to hear of God’s love and our need for His salvation.

She perceived that Jesus was a prophet, but then she got distracted with where to worship. That’s often the first response when people realize they have a spiritual need: they wonder what they should do, where they should go. But Jesus told her the important thing was Who she worshipped and how she worshipped. In vv 23-24: “true worshippers shall worship the Father in spirit and in truth: for the Father seeketh such to worship him. God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth.”

She had heard of the Messiah, and Jesus told her that He was the Messiah. In john 6:35 Jesus said, “I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst.” Not only did she believe on Him: she went and told others about Him and they came and believed, too.

Our first need is salvation. Isaiah 12:3: Therefore with joy shall ye draw water out of the wells of salvation.

II. Then the Bible also speaks of several things the Christian can be filled with or full of. I did a quick word study with an online Bible concordance looking up the words “filled” and “full.” This is not an exhaustive list, but here are several things:

– Wisdom. Several of the workmen who helped with the different parts of the OT tabernacle and temple were said to be filled with wisdom for the tasks, things like making the brass instruments (Ex. 31:1-5), making the furniture (Ex. 31: 6-11), making the garments (Ex. 28:2-4). Did you know you can ask for wisdom for even “secular” tasks?
– Filled with the glory of the Lord (tabernacle: Ex. 40:34-35; the whole earth: Numbers 14:11, Psalm 72:19; temple, I Kings 8:10-11, II Chron. 5:13-14; 7:1-2; Ez. 10:4, 43:5; 44:4
– God’s praise: Psalm 71:8: Let my mouth be filled with thy praise and with thy honour all the day.
– Good: Psalm 104:27-28: These wait all upon thee; that thou mayest give them their meat in due season. That thou givest them they gather: thou openest thine hand, they are filled with good.
– For the earth shall be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the LORD, as the waters cover the sea. Habakkuk 2:14
– The Holy Spirit: Acts 2:2-4; 4:8, 31: 9:17; 13:9, 52 (with joy); (Eph 5:18) Luke 4:1 (Jesus), Acts 6:3 (Deacons full of Holy Ghost and wisdom), Acts 6:5 (Stephen, full of faith and Holy Ghost), Acts 7:55 (Stephen), Acts 11:24 (Barnabus)
– Goodness, knowledge: Romans 15:14
– Comfort II Cor. 7:4
– The Fullness of God (And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God. Eph. 3:19)
– Fruits of righteousness Phil. 1:11
– The knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding Col. 1:9
– Joy II Tim. 1:4
– Naphtali, satisfied with favour, and full with the blessing of the LORD Deut. 33:23
– Compassion, Ps. 112:4
– His praise, Hab 3:3
– Light, Mat 6:22, Luke 11:34, 36
– Joy, Acts 2:28
– Faith and power, Acts 6:8
– Good works and alsmdeeds, Acts 9:36 (Dorcas)
– Goodness and knowledge, Romans 15:14
– Mercy and good fruits, James 3:17
– Glory, I Peter 1:8

Eph 5:18 says, ” And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit.” Really, a lot of these others things are encompassed in being filled with the Spirit. If you read the following chapters in Ephesians, the instructions about family relationships follow this command to be filled with the Spirit.

What does it mean to be filled with the Spirit? Let me say first that if you are a Christian, you have the Holy Spirit within you. Romans 8:9 says, “Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his.” But though the Holy Spirit is in you, you may not be yielding full control to Him. And it doesn’t mean speaking in tongues. That is a topic that is bigger than the time we have today, but at the end of I Corinthians 12, Paul asks, “And God hath set some in the church, first apostles, secondarily prophets, thirdly teachers, after that miracles, then gifts of healings, helps, governments, diversities of tongues. Are all apostles? are all prophets? are all teachers? are all workers of miracles? Have all the gifts of healing? do all speak with tongues? do all interpret?” The obvious answer is no. One point of that passage and others that talk about spiritual gifts is that people have different ones, yet some people today try to assert that an evidence of being filled with the Spirit is that one gift, speaking in tongues. I believe, as do many others, that the “sign gifts” ceased after the first century or so, when the Bible was completed.

Eph 5:18 says, ” And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit.” If someone is drunk, they are being controlled by the alcohol. If we’re filled with the Spirit, we’re yielding to His control.

How is one filled with the Spirit? First confess any known sin. Ask God to search you and show you any that you might be missing. Then just ask in faith to be filled with His Spirit, just like you asked in faith to be saved. Erwin Lutzer says in his book How To Say No to a Stubborn Habit (p.75):

How were you saved? By depending on the death of Christ. How do you receive Christ? By depending on the ascension of Christ. Both come by faith. That’s why Paul wrote, “As you have therefore received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him” (Col. 2:6).

You receive the Spirit’s filling by faith, not by having a particular feeling. Some Christians wrongly believe that the filling of the Spirit is a sensation. They expect waves of love, or an overwhelming sense of peace, or speaking in strange languages. Theirs is a fleshly desire to walk by sight, not by faith. We find it difficult to take God at His Word…and we ask for a sign that we might believe.

God, however, delights when you believe in Him without demanding emotional crutches. Just as a new believer needs to receive God’s promises — apart from feelings — so you daily need to receive the power of the Holy Spirit — apart from feelings

I used to think of being filled with the Spirit as something I needed before big task – like speaking in public! – and I would come and be filled, go do the task and be emptied, and need filling again before the next big task. But we need the Spirit to live our everyday lives. Just as those following passages in Ephesians talk about wives being submissive to husbands, husbands loving wives, children obeying parents, parents raising children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, all follow the command to be filled with the Holy Spirit, I need the Holy Spirit just to be the wife and mother I need to be at home, just to be kind to others and to battle my natural selfishness. So lately I have come to think of being filled with the Spirit like a fountain. Have you ever seen those garden or tabletop fountains that have water continually going out and coming in, yet the water level always remains the same? That’s how I want to be: continually depending on the Spirit every step of the day while He continually fills me and enables me to do His will.

There is something that can hinder our being filled with these things God mentions, and that is if we are already filled with other things. I read a list of good things the Bible mentions people being filled with. Here is a list of bad things:

Filled with violence: Gen. 6:11-13, Ezekiel 8:17
Uncleanness: Ezra 9:11
Contempt and scorning: Psalm 123:3-4
Own way, own devices: Proverbs 1:30-31:
Mischief: Proverbs 12:21
Sin: Jeremiah 51:5
Drunkenness and sorrow: Ex. 23:32-33.
Wrath: Luke 4:28, Esther 3:5, Acts 19: 28
Fear: Luke 5:26
Madness: Luke 6:11
Satan filled Ananias heart to lie: Acts 5:3
Indignation :Acts 5:17, Esther 5:9
Envy: Acts 13:45
Confusion: Acts 19:29, Job 10:15
Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; Romans 1:28
Beware of being full and forgetting God Deut. 8:10-20
Bribes: Ps. 26:10
Troubles: Ps. 88:3
Evil: Ecc. 9:3
Blood: Isa. 1:15
Idols: Isa. 2:8
Deceit: Jer. 5:27
Violence: Micah 6:12
Lies: Nahum 3:1
Darkness: Matt. 6:23, Luke 11:34
Extortion and excess: Matt. 23:25
Hypocrisy and iniquity Matt. 23:28
Ravening and wickedness: Luke 11:39
Wine: Acts 2:13
Subtilty and mischief: Acts 13:10

To me the two most telling verses are Proverbs 1:30-31: “They would none of my counsel: they despised all my reproof. Therefore shall they eat of the fruit of their own way, and be filled with their own devices.” Proverbs 14:14: “The backslider in heart shall be filled with his own ways: and a good man shall be satisfied from himself.” That is the essence of sin: Wanting my own way instead of God’s. Some of the things on this list are what people are filled with who don’t have God; some of them are what we can be filled with when we start wanting our own way instead of His. And sometimes we can be filled with something that’s not necessarily bad in itself, but it is taking up our time and attention that we need to give the Lord. Prov. 27:7: “The full soul loatheth an honeycomb; but to the hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.”

Several years ago some folks from PA moved to TX and attended the church where I was then. One time they sang this song at church: they are the only ones I have ever heard sing it. It is by Martha Snell Nicholson, and it is called “Treasures.”

One by one He took them from me,
All the things I valued most,
Until I was empty-handed:
Every glittering toy was lost.
And I walked earth’s highways grieving
In my rags and poverty
Til I heard His voice inviting,
“Lift your empty hands to Me!”

So I held my hands toward Heaven
And He filled them with a store
Of His own transcendent riches
Til they could contain no more.
And at last I comprehended
With my stupid mind and dull
That God could not pour His riches
Into hands already full.

Whatever your need today, God promises, “”For I will pour water upon him that is thirsty, and floods upon the dry ground: I will pour my spirit upon thy seed, and my blessing upon thine offspring” (Isa 44:3). Jesus said in Matthew 5:6, “Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.” Jesus said, “If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink. He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water.” John 7:37-38.

I don’t envy preachers

Posted on May 21, 2008 by Barbara Harper

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had been given two opportunities that were out of my comfort zone. One was giving the devotional at a baby shower I mentioned earlier: the other is speaking at a ladies’ luncheon at another church this Saturday.

When I told a friend I had received both of these offers the same day, she said, “Maybe the Lord is trying to tell you something.” I sure hope not!! As I said in regards to the baby shower, I am much more comfortable writing, where I can ponder, think, rewrite, delete, etc. — and no one is looking right at me. 🙂

Yet somehow, though one part of me dreaded this opportunity, anther part is excited about it.

I have to say I don’t envy preachers. Oh, I think it would be wonderful to have one’s primary job studying the Word of God in order to share it! Sadly, I think for too many preachers that time often gets crowded out with other duties. But in combing over a passage and a topic trying to discern what to say — that’s the hard part (well…besides standing in front of people to speak). A former pastor, Dr. Mark Minnick, used to say that when he first started preaching, he studied a passage with the question, “What can I say about this passage?” He began to realize that that was the wrong question: the right one is, “What does this passage say?” There is all the difference in the world between those two questions. One is imposing my own thoughts on the passage; the other is bringing out what the passage itself says.

Then, the more I study and think about it, the more there is to say, but I have to keep this down to about 20 minutes! I can understand how easily pastors can preach overtime or start a message and have it end up a series.

Then I have to fight against the temptation to want it all to be well-worded and well-crafted. There’s nothing wrong with that, and I think that can enhance the message, but my carnal heart would want that as it’s goal rather than its tool. The goal should not be for people to think well of my little talk or to think I did a good job, but to come away with the truth of the passage on their hearts.

Once again I’d like to ask those of you who pray, if you think of it, to pray that I’ll say just what the Lord wants me to and that all the little physical issues I wrestle with that flare up when I get nervous would not flare up. I would be most thankful!

“You can’t say ‘no’ until you pray about it”

Posted on May 1, 2008 by Barbara Harper

I am “rerunning” this post because…I need it! Yesterday I received an e-mail asking me to do something way beyond my comfort zone, and then in the afternoon I got a phone call along the same lines but a bigger and scarier opportunity. My first inward response was panic and the thought, “Who, me?!” So many other people would do a better job. But the principle in this post had been instilled in me. Plus I have been somewhat dismayed when I’ve asked someone to do something ministry-related and received a panic-stricken “no” as an answer when I had hoped that they would give God a chance to help them and work through them.

This was originally posted Feb. 21, 2007, so some of my newer readers might not have seen it, and it is something I need to remind myself of often.

Any article or book you read or talk you hear about managing time will include this point: you have to be willing to say no to some activities. Especially in this day and age when opportunities to do things or have your kids involved in things abound on every hand, sometimes we just have to put our foot down and say “No” to maintain our sanity and keep some kind of reasonable schedule.

On the other hand……sometimes we say no without really considering what the Lord would have us do. All we know is that we can’t take on another thing.

Some years ago I was on a committee of ladies at church who took turns putting up bulletin boards to highlight 2-3 of our missionaries at a time each month. This committee was a part of the Ladies Missionary Prayer Group at that church. At that point in time they elected officers every year, and at one fall meeting, the president told us that that nominations had been made for the following year and the officers would be contacting those ladies who had been nominated to let them know and find out if they were willing and able to accept. She then said with a smile, “You can’t say no until you pray about it.”

Well, Debbie, the officer over that committee, told me I had been nominated for that office. My first response was, “But….I’ve been waiting all year to get off this committee!” That was not very encouraging to Debbie, I’m sure. But I just didn’t feel the liberty to say no, so I said yes. A week or two or so later Debbie came to me and told me that the other nominees had not accepted, and therefore I was “it.” She remarked that that must have been the Lord’s will. I responded, “No…the other ladies are out of the Lord’s will for not accepting the nomination.” I was so spiritually-minded, wasn’t I? I think she thought I was teasing, or else she would have rethought my nomination.

I did fulfill that year, and even though bulletin boards are not my forte, I really saw the Lord give some great ideas and some great people to help on the committee. I learned something about leadership. I learned to seek Him when frustrated because I couldn’t find help. I learned about the ups and downs of working with people. I don’t know if I can say I “enjoyed” that year, but I did learn a lot and I grew spiritually and as a person.

A few years later when an opportunity came along that was more scary and involved more work, I was able to face it with the confidence that if the Lord wanted me to do it, He would enable me. And He did, marvelously.

For a while I went too far the other way, thinking that anything that anyone in the church asked me to do must be from the Lord. We can get in over our heads really quickly that way.

Since then there have been times I have felt completely free to say no and have seen the Lord bring in someone else for that opportunity who did a wonderful job, much better than I would have done if I had taken it out of a sense of duty.

But the important thing is to pray over it first, before you decide it’s out of your comfort zone or that you don’t have the time or the skills. Sometimes the Lord delights in pulling out of our comfort zone and into dependence on Him for the abilities and the time. Sometimes He wants us to lay something else aside to do what He wants us to. Look in Scripture at people who were happily minding their own business when God came to them with something He wanted them to do (Moses, Noah, Peter, Paul) and think not only what history would be like, but what their lives would have been if they had said no.

Mentoring women

Posted on April 24, 2008 by Barbara Harper

As Christian women, we get our instructions for mentoring from Titus 2:3-5:

3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;
4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

Other versions use the word “older” rather than “aged,” which sounds a little kinder to our 21st century ears. 🙂 One problem with mentoring, though, is that many older women hesitate to obey this command for a couple of reasons. For one, many don’t want to consider themselves in the “older” or “aged” category. And many don’t feel qualified because they feel they are not perfect in any of these areas and feel the need of instruction themselves: that was the common response recently when I was trying to find ladies to serve on a panel discussion about loving our husbands.

As I see it, we’re all older than someone. And if we have walked with the Lord for any length of time at all, we should be able to share something of what He has taught us along the way. No, we won’t be perfect in any area, but in a sense that helps with our mentoring. People need instruction and examples for how to deal with their faults and failures, and a person who admits to them has a little more credibility than someone who comes across as having “arrived.”

However, the character of the one mentoring does need to be the kind that “becomes holiness.” While we’re not sinless, and we need to confess often our faults to the Lord, on the other hand, as a general character and lifestyle, if we haven’t walked with the Lord and learned ourselves in these areas, we don’t have anything to teach anyone else anyway and wouldn’t be heeded if we tried. The rest of verse 4 indicates that a mentor must have a certain amount of self-control both in lifestyle and in speech. The NASB renders “false accusers” as “malicious gossips.” The NKJV says “slanderers.” No lady would want to pour out her heart and ask advice from someone who might then share what she has said with others.

How is mentoring best done? This is something I’ve asked many people through the years. There are several ways:

1. Formal instruction

When we hear the word “teach” we immediately think of classroom-type instruction. I don’t think that was specifically what Paul had in mind: I don’t know that they had classes for women in those days. But we do have classes, seminars, retreats and such in our day and culture that are beneficial. One former church we were members of had two-day conferences for women once every few years and once a year or so would disband their regular adult Sunday School classes to have separate classes for the men and women, and different ladies in the church would teach on these kinds of topics. It was something I looked forward to every year.

2. One-on-one arranged relationships

I have know some churches that had women who were interested in a one-on-one mentoring relationship sign up, and then someone paired up an older woman with a younger woman. The advantages of this kind of set-up would be in greater personal instruction and having someone to ask questions of. The disadvantages I can see would be the awkwardness of asking personal questions of someone you don’t have a personal relationship with and the danger of not really meshing with the person you’re assigned to, but I suppose those thing could be worked out over time.

I have heard of a younger woman who asked an older woman to be her “mentor” — I think they met together to talk and pray, and the younger woman asked the older questions about how she had devotions and such. One friend of mine was advised to choose one lady she was comfortable with and to ask advice of just that one lady. One advantage to that is that you wouldn’t get conflicting advice. That was a hard thing for me particularly as a young mother, when two older ladies who I loved and respected would give the exact opposite advice. I eventually learned to “glean” — to listen kindly and then pick through the advice to find what would most seem to “fit” my family, and leave the rest. But I would have had trouble picking just one woman, though that might have been beneficial to some. I know that often when I was struggling in some area or frustrated and wanting to know what to do, the Lord would put me in contact with some lady who sometimes even by a seemingly chance remark would give me just the bit of wisdom I needed at the moment.

3. Hospitality

When I was a saved teen in an unsaved home, another family in church invited me over often. Though they never formally instructed me (aside from including me in family devotions), I learned much from being around them and seeing how a Christian family interacted. The wife and mother was a great example to me in every way — in her submission to her husband, in her example as a mom, in her homemaking and meal-preparation skills, yet I don’t think she consciously had me over for the specific purpose of being an example to me.

4) Interaction

Times like bridal and baby showers, working in the nursery, setting up or cleaning up for a function, going to ladies’ meetings, fellowships, etc., were great times to mix and talk with other women as I was “growing up” as a lady. Sometimes if a question or problem cropped up, I’d ask some of them, but mostly it was still kind of an observing and absorbing of their spirit and example. Especially when I was approaching marriage, looking forward to having children, and then having them, I watched and “gleaned.” In more recent years my observing has been more along the lines of noticing godly behavior, being convicted, and asking the Lord to change me in those areas.

5) Writing

I have been ministered to, instructed, rebuked, and encouraged many times over the years by reading books written by godly women and, in more recent times, blogs.

I didn’t list family relationships, but that would be the most obvious avenue of an older lady teaching a younger one. Of course. not all ladies have mothers who are alive or who are Christians, and many live away from their parents after they marry. Even with a godly, accessible mother nearby, most of us could still use example and instruction from other godly women.

In Elisabeth’s Elliot’s book Keep a Quiet Heart, one very helpful chapter is titled “A Call to Older Women.” Here is one paragraph from it:

I think of the vast number of older women today. The Statistical Abstract of the United States for 1980 says that 19.5 percent of the population was between ages 45-65, but by 2000 it will be 22.9 percent. Assuming that half of those people are women, what a pool of energy and power for God they might be. We live longer now than we did forty years ago (the same volume says that the over-sixty-fives will increase from 11.3 percent to 13 percent). There is more mobility, more money around, more leisure, more health and strength–resources which, if put at God’s disposal, might bless younger women. But there are also many more ways to spend those resources, so we find it very easy to occupy ourselves selfishly. Where are the women, single or married, willing to hear God’s call to spiritual motherhood, taking spiritual daughters under their wings to school them as Mom Cunningham did me? She had no training the world would recognize. She had no thought of such. She simply loved God and was willing to be broken bread and poured-out wine for His sake. Retirement never crossed her mind.

So how does one going about being a mentor or “spiritual mother” to other ladies? Pray first and seek how the Lord would have you go about it. After that, the biggest thing is just to be sensitive and available. Perhaps a new mom could use some help around the house or a few hours to herself while someone capable watches the children; perhaps you could write notes of encouragement to others or have a couple of ladies over for lunch. Even just going and talking to a younger lady at a fellowship or meeting instead of finding a friend is a start. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a formal arrangement with one particular lady, though some prefer that. As I mentioned earlier, often through the years just in the course of ordinary church life, the Lord would send someone with a “word in due season” that was just what I needed at the time.

One thing older women have to watch out for, however, is crossing over the line into being busybodies. I knew of one older lady who told one young mother of seven that she was having too many children and another young wife who was planning to wait to have children til her husband was through seminary that she needed to get started on her family. It is no wonder that she caused hurt feelings rather than helping or ministering to anyone.

Though older women need to be aware of this Scriptural admonition and to seek God’s wisdom in going about obeying it, the other side of the coin is that younger women need to be willing to be taught, and part of that involves just spending time with each other. A lot of times we tend to gravitate to our own age groups, which is natural, but it’s good to get out of our comfort zone and get to know ladies of all ages. I have learned a lot from other ladies just by being around them and watching and listening to them, but sometimes I’ve felt led to ask specific questions. If you’re a younger lady who would like some “spiritual mothering,” ask the Lord to guide someone to you and take time to get to know some of the older ladies in your church. I feel sure that you’ll find someone whom you can look up to and learn from, but if not (and even if you do and would like to supplement your learning), reading good books is another way to gain from the wisdom of those who have gone before.