Category Archives: Parenting

What women want…in a Christian man

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Several years ago as it began to dawn on me that my oldest two sons weren’t too far from leaving the nest, I wondered if I had taught them everything they needed to know. Different topics came to mind that I wanted to be sure they had a handle on by the time they were out on their own. We talked about different aspects of some of these things “in person,” but because our schedules weren’t always conducive to lengthy conversations and because I think better and express myself better in writing, I decided to write them occasionally, a la King Lemuel’s mother.

And just recently I thought it might be good to post a couple of those here.

This particular note is from February 2005. I have adapted it a little bit from the original.

Hi guys!

It has been a while since I have written one of these. But lately I have been thinking of writing to you something of what kinds of things most Christian woman want to see in men. I know that neither of you is on the verge of getting engaged in the very near future, but you are in the process of becoming the kind of husband and father you will be someday, so it is a good thing to be thinking about preparing yourself for that time.

And of course, I can’t speak for all women. 🙂 But there are some generalities that I think are pretty true of most conscientious Christian women.

1. A man who is a Christian, actively growing in the Lord and serving Him. It gives a woman a lot of confidence if she knows the man in her life is right with the Lord and seeking to know His will and follow Him. She can trust his leadership.

2. Leadership without tyranny. There was an excellent article in a magazine that Jason got about the parallels of leadership of a church and a family. Pastors are told in Scripture not to “lord it over” their flocks but to lead by example (I Peter 5:2-4), and that is true of husbands and fathers as well. While the man is the leader of the home (I Corinthians 11;3; Ephesians 5:23) and responsible before God for his family, there shouldn’t be any ruling with an iron fist. While she knows the final decision rests with you, she doesn’t want to feel that she doesn’t have a voice and her opinions don’t matter. One reason God gave woman to man was to “complete” him, to come alongside and minister to him and encourage him. That can’t happen if he doesn’t listen to her.

If that doesn’t quite make sense, think of it from your own standpoint. You have been under authority all your lives (and will continue to be under some kind of authority all your lives). You know your dad, your pastor, your teachers, even your bosses are “in charge” to various degrees, but I think you have experienced various kinds of leadership styles now to know how it feels when someone is over-authoritarian. On the other hand, you don’t want a leader who is kind of wimpy and ineffective, like a teacher that everyone runs over.

This includes spiritual leadership. She doesn’t want to be the one to always suggest, or wish, that you prayed together or read the Bible together.

3. A man worthy of reverence. Ephesians tells a woman to “reverence” her husband. One time when I studied it out, it seemed to mean a deep respect, even just short of worship.

When ungodly leaders have been in office, sometimes we have to remind ourselves as Christians that we are supposed to honor those in authority over us and respect their positions even if we can’t respect them personally. You don’t want to put those under your leadership in a position of having to think that way with you, to have to make themselves respect you because they are “supposed” to — you want to have the kind of character that calls forth that kind of respect. That doesn’t mean perfection — none of us is perfect — but it means by and large as a general rule to live and act in a way that others can respect you.

4. Protection. A woman wants to feel cared for and protected by her husband — protected from harm and from evil.

5. Provision. God has ordained that the man be the provider for the home and the woman cares for the home and family. That doesn’t mean a woman can never work outside the home (that might be another topic for another day). I hope that you’ll place a priority on having your wife be able to stay at home, especially when she has children. I worked before you guys were born, but I am so grateful that He provided so that I could be a stay-at-home mom. I think because my mom worked so much I especially wanted to be at home with you. I wanted to be the one to teach you and influence you and see you grow up — I didn’t want to give that over to someone else. I just wanted to be with you as you grew up. And besides that, I came to find out I just didn’t have the capacity to keep up with everything at home and still do much else outside the home. I know some women who apparently can, but I couldn’t.) There are times when it is helpful to have her income, like when you first get married and are setting up housekeeping, and there may be times when despite a man’s best efforts he can’t find work. But the overall attitude should be that as God enables you, you’ll be the provider.

6. Understanding. 1Peter 3:7 says, ” Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” I think that knowledge can include knowledge of women in general and how they think and react differently from men, but also knowledge of her in particular.

7. Love. There is a book I’ve never read but heard a lot about called The Five Love Languages. Basically it is the idea that different people perceive love different ways. For some, saying thoughtful loving things to them makes them feel especially loved; for others, physical touch — a quick hug, a pat on the arm, etc. makes them feel special and loved. I think the 5 are: words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service (doing things for them), giving, and time. Of course, all of us love to be loved in all of those ways, but the premise of the book is that everyone primarily perceives love in one of those ways more than others, and we should try to find out what makes our loved ones most feel loved and try to express love to them in that way. Whether you agree with all the book says or not, I think the premise is true. It shouldn’t be, as the old saying goes, “I told her I loved her when we got married, and I’ll let her know if that ever changes.” You need to actively show her you love her. Nor should it be as the illustration a former pastor used to tell of a man who for years every Sunday night after church made himself and his wife a snack of cinnamon toast, giving her the heel. After a number of years she burst into tears, saying it made her feel so unloved that he gave her the worst slice if bread, He said, “But, honey, the heel is my favorite part.” He thought he was giving up the best for her; she thought he was giving her the worst. The key there is communication.

There are probably more things, but these are what come to mind just now. 🙂

Love ya!
Mom

Children, chores, and change

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Chilihead at Don’t Try This At Home is hosting a carnival today about children and chores and allowances (the “change” in my title — had to alliterate 🙂 ). Some of the questions she proposed were “how you handle chores and allowance at your house, how old your kids are, how you assign chores (are they re-assigned each week or month or at all?), how you determine allowance or why you don’t give allowance, other ways your kids earn their own spending money, all your other thoughts on the matter.” She setting up a “Mr. Linky” here so that folks who want to participate in this carnival can link to their posts and readers can find many perspectives.

My children are 23, 20, and almost 14. They all still live at home, though the oldest will likely leave the nest before long and my middle one spends most of his waking hours at college. I don’t remember when we first started paying allowances. I know it was when the older two were old enough to both have assigned chores. They may have been 10 and 7 or so. Of course, I had been calling on them to do various things around the house before that time, but it was more on an as-needed basis.

I never wanted to connect chores to allowances directly because I didn’t want them to become mercenary and want some payment every time they were asked to do something, but we did start the specifically assigned chores and allowances at the same. I wanted the idea to be that they contributed to the work because they were part of the family, and they also received monetary benefits because they were part of the family. My primary reason for wanting to give allowances was to give them experience managing money. I had one who would spend his pretty quickly, then would see something at the store he wanted and ask if we would buy it for him and he’d pay us back with his next allowance. We did that a few times but then realized we were fostering a credit card, buy now, pay later habit, so we nipped that in the bud. It was nice when the “Can I haves” hit at the store to tell them they could have it if they wanted to spend their allowances on it. It’s amazing how that made them rethink a purchase. 🙂

I don’t remember how we came up with this, but the allowance we gave them was a dollar for every year of their age every other week. That’s how often Dad got paid, so that’s when they got paid, too.

I have seen some really cute chore charts, but my kids weren’t really into that kind of thing (they probably would have been at an earlier age). What eventually evolved for us was this procedure: I would make a list of things needing to be done, usually vacuuming, dusting, and emptying garbage cans every week, with some extras added at other times. I would make the list so that there was an even number of “jobs” per boy and take turns each week letting each one have first choice at to what job to do. They weren’t allowed to sign up for all the “easier” ones and leave the harder ones to the others. They considered vacuuming to be pretty easy, so they’d usually have one vacuuming job and one other job. I’d put the list on the counter or refrigerator and then they’d cross off their jobs when they were done.

Daily jobs include emptying the disahwasher and the kitchen trash can and taking the recyclables out to the bin (the last was my youngest’s domain until the last couple of years). I would usually assign those by rotation. Then there is always general pick-up. When met with, “That isn’t my mess!” we’d remind them that we had picked up after them many times and it wouldn’t hurt them to help pick up after someone else’s things. You have to be careful here — you don’t want one particularly messy child to “get away with” leaving messes and then having the others continually bail them out, but occasionally everyone just has to pitch in and get the job done. And sometimes there would be arguments over who had what job last time, as if the world would end if one had to unload the dishwasher twice in a row! I would try to listen and be fair — I acknowledge that I’m fallible and might forget what I assigned to whom last time — but sometimes I’d just have to say, “It’s not a contest. By the end of your lives you will have done each job about the same number of times. If sometimes you happen to have to do one job twice in a row, it will even out in the end.” Though they never grew to love chores, the arguing did cease eventually as all of this became routine and habit.

There is an age gap between my two older boys and my youngest, and the older ones sometimes complained they were being overworked compared to the youngest. I would remind them that they were older and more mature and capable, but the only thing that really helped was when I told them they would be leaving home before he did and then he’d have all the chores.

When you first assign chores it’s best to have the child do them with you so that you can show them exactly what you expect. It’s also best to give specific instructions. Just “vacuum the living room” will usually result in a few swipes in the middle of the room unless you show and tell them to go under the end tables, move the piano bench, etc. Then you can progress to their doing it with your observation, then to their doing it on their own. I mentioned in an earlier post that children do what is inspected rather than what is expected. I don’t remember where I first heard that, but it is true, especially in the early stages. There was one of mine that I would continually have to call back to redo a job. Sometimes I would just let it go, but I would have to remind myself that this was not just about getting this one chore done: it was about establishing good work habits that they would carry through with them into their future employment, and about character and integrity. I had to realize I wasn’t doing them any favors to let slipshod work get by.

One chore that most children have is to clean their own rooms to some degree. This is an area especially where children and parents can have different ideas about what exactly a clean room means. But if you work together with them when they’re very young, it can become routine ( at least the knowledge can: the implementation takes a while longer). Working together also teaches organizing skills. One of mine used to get very upset at being told to clean his room until I realized that it seemed overwhelming to him: he didn’t know how to break it down into smaller components. Working with him and going task by task helped to make it manageable and also taught sorting and organizing skills (all the legos together here, all the crayons here, etc.).

We did let them earn money for some “extra” chores. Washing the car was one.

When they got older, it was a little harder to determine what they should pay for and what we should pay for. At least one application we implemented was in the area of meals. Between youth group and school functions and just getting together with friends it seemed they were eating out a lot during high school years. We determined that if it was a specific youth group or school function, we would pay for it, but if they were just going out with friends, they should pay for it. We still pretty much bought most of their clothes as they weren’t earning a lot of money even when they did start part time jobs. When one son wanted name brand tennis shoes, we told him we would give him the amount of money that we would have spent at Wal-Mart for shoes, and he would have to save and come up with the rest for the shoes he wanted.

In looking over Chilihead’s post before posting mine, I saw she mentioned being a SAHM and feeling like the housework was what she was supposed to do. Even if Mom does the bulk of the cleaning, I think it is important for children to pitch in, for reasons I’ve already mentioned: contributing to the family and training them in work habits. I think it would be difficult for them to leave home and know how to do any kind of housework if they hadn’t done any at home. If they are used to only having to keep up a relatively messy room, their whole house will likely look like that. Regular cleaning helps establish good habits. As my children got older and were away from home more, I did loosen up on the weekly chores. Sometimes I had to just catch them when I could. But even when they got into college and were away from home most of the time to go to class or work or the library to study and we didn’t do the full-fledged job list, I still had them do a few things at home. I felt that was important training for when they had their own careers and families, because even though the exact list of chores might change, there will always be things around the house that need to be done. But when they were really busy or pressured I did let them off.

I know exact chores will vary from household to household. I know some who have their teens do their own laundry. To me it was just always easier to do that myself. But I do have them make their own breakfasts and lunches most Saturdays or summer days. That got started one summer when everyone was waking up at different times and I decided I was not going to stay in the kitchen playing short-order cook all day. Sometimes I do make a general breakfast or lunch for eveyrone some days (we have a sit-down family dinner most weeknights and a big family breakfast and lunch on Sundays), and I have felt a little guilty at times over having my kids make their own lunches, but I remind myself it is good training for them. (Especially with having all boys, I didn’t want them to be helpless in the kitchen. There have been times when I have been sick that I was so glad my husband knew basic cooking, and I wanted my boys to know that, too) Whatever the exact chores, it is good training for adulthood, not only in the specific tasks but in how to work in general for kids to have chores.

It might be good to have a family Bible study about work some time, pointing out that God gave Adam work to do before the Fall (so work itself is not a curse — it just became harder to do after sin entered the world) and going over verses in Proverbs about the diligent man and in the New Testament about providing for one’s own house (I Timothy 5:8) and doing our work quietly with out own hands (I Thess. 4:11-12; II Thess. 3:10-12).

Nowadays my guys are very good about helping with regular chores as well as bigger projects like the recent bathroom renovation. I love family projects like that for many reasons: the boys learn “how tos” of what is involved with that kind of thing that will help them when they’re the men of the house, plus a lot of good fellowship and family memories aren’t made just on vacations or “fun” times, but also on projects done together like that. Then they have the pride of accomplishment in the finished product.

One last thought: young children often have a natural desire to “help Mommy” and join in on whatever she’s doing. I tended to want to send my children off to play so I could do my work efficiently and peacefully (and quietly 🙂 ). But it really is better to let them “help.” It is always easier to teach a thing when the learner is eager to learn it, so, though it may take more time and seem like a little more trouble, it’s good to let a little one work with you, teaching them what to do (though you wouldn’t expect anything anywhere near perfection for years yet) and enjoying that time together.

Though we didn’t use this, Doorposts has a neat set-up called Stewardship Street for teaching good spending and saving principles.

Works-For-Me Wednesday: Beware of over-sympathizing

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wfmwheader_4.jpgI first became aware of this concept through a beloved college professor, Dr. Walter Fremont, now with the Lord after having ALS for 20 years. He taught Child Psychology and Adolescent Psychology, among other things, and spoke at camps and conferences and retreats on the family.

In his book, Formula For Family Unity, in a chapter titled “Principles for Building Up Children For God,” he puts it like this:

 Parents should not take the grit out of their children’s lives by protecting them from every hardship, blow, or disappointment. Remember, adversity strengthens character. For example…having them face the elements (rain, ice, and snow) while on a paper route will give them a strengthened will to face difficult times later in life. One mother thought she was helping her son…by getting up every morning at 5 a.m. to take him on his paper route. She was actually harming him by not letting him fulfill his own responsibilities. Children are resilient; they can take a lot if Mother doesn’t make them feel abused and neglected by an overly sympathetic attitude. Such a statement as, “Oh, honey, it’s so cold out there; I’m afraid you’ll freeze on your paper route,” produces a negative attitude in the mind of the child. Mother ought to say, “When you finish your paper route, I’ll have a cup of hot chocolate waiting and a good breakfast.”

Setting aside the example of a paper route (I don’t know if a child can do paper routes any more as they are so big now, and there are safety issues that weren’t as much of a concern then) and just concentrating on the principle at hand, do you hear the difference between the two responses from Mother in his example? The first can make the child feel sorry for himself and negative about what he has to do. The second is sympathetic and helpful, but in a positive, encouraging way, silently acknowledging, “It will be tough, but you can do it, and there will be something warm and comforting when you’re done.”

It’s kind of like the difference I learned to express when my firstborn was a toddler and preschooler. If he fell or did something where I thought he might have hurt himself, I’d gasp and rush to him: “Are you ok? Does it hurt? Are you bleeding? Poor baby! Come here and let me hug you. Shall I kiss it and make it better?” He may have been fine, but that reaction would make him think maybe he really did need that sympathy, and he would cry until he was comforted. Gradually I learned to just watch his reaction. If he seemed ok, we’d smile at each other, or I’d acknowledge what had happened in  cheery voice, and he’d dust himself off and go on his merry way.

Of course, this has to be kept in balance. Sometimes sympathy, an arm around the shoulder, the knowledge that someone cares and understands, is just exactly what they need. God will give us the wisdom to know how to react to the different situations if we ask Him.

But I think as moms, especially, we have to curtail that inclination to want to smooth every path and make everything easy and take all the hardships and tough spots out of their lives. They’ll never be able to face the really tough stretches in the road of life later on if we do that.

See Rocks In My Dryer for a wealth of great tips.

A precious offering

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I was going through a stack of Elisabeth Elliot newsletters from years ago looking for a particular article I wanted to reference in the ladies’ ministry newsletter. I didn’t find that one, but I found a few others I wanted to quote from both in the newsletter and here.

Elisabeth’s newsletters were published from late 1982 to 2003. They are stored online here. I’ve been thinking I should probably print out the ones I don’t have in hand in case they are ever taken offline. Many of the articles I have read multiple times and they still minister to me.

This one caught my eye because I have read several accounts among my online friends in the last few days concerning taking their older children to college. I struggled with missing mine even though they are only 45 minutes away: I can’t imagine what it is like to leave them several states or even countries away. Though distance is a factor, I think what we wrestle with is the idea that they are taking yet another step away from us in the journey toward adulthood. We know that’s the way it is supposed to be, and we wouldn’t hold them back, but that doesn’t mean we don’t miss them.

Here, then, is a column from the May/June 2001 Elisabeth Elliot newsletter about the time her only daughter was preparing for college.

Shortly before my daughter Valerie, my only child, went off to college as a freshman, a “sudden tide” came over me one morning as I was working in the kitchen. She had been the great joy of my life for seventeen years. When she was about eleven or twelve, friends heard me speak of what seemed to me a near-perfect mother-daughter relationship.

“Oh, but wait till she’s a teenager!” they warned, “then you’ll have some rough times.” I was still waiting. I could not conceive of life without her.

“She has grown up,” I told myself. “My job is finished, the job I loved more than anything else I have ever done. The nest is about to empty.”

Overcome with sadness, I sat down at the wicker table, picked up the phone, and dialed Van, who is the sort of friend you don’t have to explain things to. Tears came as soon as I tried to talk.

“It’s O.K., Bet,” she said quietly. “It’ll be O.K.”

She did not need to explain to me what she meant. She knew I understood. We believe the same things—things like Julian of Norwich’s “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.” But I needed to hear her say it. I needed to have the Word made flesh for me in her voice. Van’s simple word, “It’ll be O.K.,” encouraged me to trust and obey. I learned that in this renunciation I had what the seed has that falls into the ground—a new potential for life-giving. I would be lonely, but I now had something precious to offer in love to my Lord, which in turn would make something quite different out of my loneliness. In some mysterious way which I could not predict, that offering would bring forth fruit. It would make a difference to the wholeness of the Body of which I was but a single member.

The way we respond to the “givens” in our daily experience determines our growth in holiness. When we pray, “Give us this day our daily bread,” God answers that prayer, measuring out just what we need for spiritual as well as physical growth.

Interesting things seen around the blogosphere

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Charity at Vintage Threads made a wonderful collage of fall decorations and links.

Rabbit at The Hutch has a wonderful post about the Name of God regarding whether God cares what He is called.

Katrina at Callapidder Days has a two-part post about how injustices are perceived and handled and right and wrong ways to react.

Grafted Branch at Restoring the Years has a great post on children’s interruptions.

Dr. Jim Hamilton, Assistant Professor of Biblical Studies at Havard School for Theological Studies – Southwestern’s Houston campus, had a very thought-provoking interview on the topic of writing books reviews. (HT to Jason Button).

Chris Anderson references an excellent, thought-provoking article titled What You Can Learn from Calvin and Hobbes about the Message and the Medium, asking “If chintzy merchandise cheapens a comic strip, what in the world does it do to the gospel of Jesus Christ??!”

Time Travel Tuesday: Birthing edition

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My Life as Annie hosts the weekly Time Travel Tuesday and asks us this week about birthing stories.

With my first pregnancy, we had been married four years and had been wanting to get pregnant for about two. We were beginning to wonder if we should go to the doctor and check things out when I finally got pregnant. My first sign was

(click to read the rest) Continue reading →

Works-For-Me Wednesday: Parenting Edition

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The first WFMW of each month has been a themed one this year, and this month the focus is on parenting.

I’m no expert and my family and I are far from perfect…..but after almost 23 years of parenting, I’ve learned a few things…

  • Pray for wisdom. I used James 1:5 in conjunction with raising my children more than any other area of life.
  • Study what the Bible has to say about raising children. For one of my child care classes in college, we had to do a study on what the Bible says about raising children, just taking a concordance and looking up verses with words like child, children, teach, train, etc. It was one of the most beneficial things I have ever done.
  • Use Scripture in explaining right and wrong and principles to them, but don’t club them over the head with it and don’t be harsh about it.
  • Don’t give them options when they don’t have any. When it is time to go to bed or to eat dinner, don’t ask them if they would like to or if they are ready to — you’re just setting yourself up for trouble if they say, “No.” When it is time to go to bed, in a cheerful and positive but firm way let them know it’s time. I always liked to let them know ahead of time when a deadline is coming up (“After this TV program ends, then it’s bedtime” or “I’ll set the timer for ten minutes, and then we need to pick up toys and go to bed.”) just out of consideration. After all, I much prefer knowing what’s coming up rather than being told I need to drop what I’m doing now.
  • Teach them to be constructive rather than destructive.
  • Never assume. You can walk into a situation and think you know what has happened and be dead wrong. Unless it’s an emergency situation it’s best to ask questions first and clarify what has happened.
  • Ask questions instead of making accusations. I mentioned in an earlier post that this is something I just learned within the last year, and I wish I had known it when my kids were younger. Making accusations produces defensiveness: asking questions leads to examination and conviction.
  • Be specific and clear in your instructions.
  • Realize that your children might have a different understanding of your instructions than what you’re trying to convey. A classic example is the instruction to “Clean your room.” A young child will have a different idea of what that entails than you do. It’s better to be specific: “I want your Legos in the box and your books on the shelf and your dirty clothes in the hamper.”
  • Be careful, though, of too many instructions at once. If someone has several things they want me to do, I’d have to ask them to wait a minute while I get something to write them down. Why would I then expect my children to remember a long list of instructions?
  • Teach progressively. When teaching your child to do something, say, a specific chore, do it together with them at first, then progress to having them do it (or parts of it at first) under supervision, then doing it on their own. Along with that, remember…
  • Children do what is inspected rather than what is expected.
  • Don’t have negative expectations of any age or stage. Two different mothers told me this at two different stages of life, one before the “terrible twos,” and one in regard to the teen years. Going into those or other stages expecting it to be terrible is going to color everything. The world seems to promote the idea that the teen years are going to be awful and it’s just that way and you just have to hang on and get through it. There are struggles and issues to work through, certainly, but if the relationship has been good all along and respect and obedience have been taught all along, it doesn’t have to be a bad time for parents or teens.
  • Attitude is as important as obedience. I used to give more latitude for a negative attitude if my children were still doing what I asked them to, because, after all, I don’t always have the greatest attitude, myself, about the things I need to do. But I was convicted in recent years by I Cor. 6:20: “For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.” I wish I had emphasized this more when my kids were younger. They need to know that “Do all things without murmurings and disputings” is God’s requirement, not just what Mom would wish for in a perfect world (Phil 2:14. Verse 15 says this is part of our testimony.) You have to be careful here and take into account age level, emotional maturity, whatever else has happened in their day (whether they’re stressed, over-tired, ill, hungry, etc.), and I wouldn’t expect perfection, but you should see growth in this area over the years.
  • Convey expectations beforehand. I mentioned this in a previous WFMW, but I learned that it helped a lot to let children know ahead of an event what was expected rather than trying to keep on top of their behavior during the event. Even with something simple like going to the grocery store, if I told them before we left the house or before we got out of the car (or both) that I wanted them to sit nicely in the cart and we wouldn’t be getting a toy today but we might get a treat if they were good, it helped curb the “I wants” when we passed the toy aisle and kept them from trying to climb out of the cart.
  • “You have to stay where I can see you.” This was our watchword when we went out in public anywhere (after they got out of the stroller stage) — in the park, in the grocery store, at the mall, even at church. This was not only for their safety and so that they wouldn’t be in danger of being snatched away: it was also so I could keep an eye on what they were doing. I don’t know why it seems at church in particular parents seem to let their young children run free. Maybe they are thinking it’s a safe environment and that everyone will be watching them. But they need to be under our watchful eye there as well as everywhere else. I could tell you stories of kids found raiding the cookie jar in the nursery, piling their plates higher than anyone could possibly eat at church fellowships, and all manner of things. They need to be taught both by instruction and example how to act there as well as everywhere else.
  • Point out the hand of God in everyday life. When a car swerves into your lane but misses you, thank God for His protection. When we see sunlight filtering through the clouds in a pretty pattern, point out the beauty of His creation. Let them know of answers to prayer, great and small. Help them to see God as real and active and interested in their lives. I think this goes a long way toward making Him real to them and conveying that Christianity is a relationship with Him and not just a set of rules (though rules and doctrine are important, too).
  • Keep time with God as a priority. I expanded on this in an earlier post: it may be harder to do when the children are small, and you may have to be a little more creative in how you do it, but it can be done with His help.
  • Enjoy this time of life! You hear it all the time, but it is so true: it goes by so fast. Relax and enjoy it as much as possible.

As always, you can find a wealth of tips on Wednesdays at Rocks In My Dryer.

Works-For-Me Wednesday: Summer Actvities

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wfmwheader_4.jpg This week’s Works-For-Me Wednesday is a themed one, the “Mom, I’m bored” edition where we share tips about how things our kids can do to while away the summer days.

Here are a few ideas for children or for parents to do with children — or even for adults to do on their own:

· A special Bible study project like a study of the wise man in Proverbs or all the synonyms for God’s Word in Psalm 119.

· Swim lessons

· Learn a new craft—take a class, get an instruction book and teach yourself, or ask someone to teach you.

· Work on a jigsaw puzzle as a family project.

· Run through the sprinkler.

· Water balloon fights

· Find free concerts where you can take a picnic and listen to music. One orchestra not far from here usually has concerts near a lake in the summer, and often has the 1812 Overture complete with cannon and fireworks near the Fourth of July.

· Visit museums

· Read, individually or together

· Have dinner or lunch at a park; feed the ducks; ride the paddleboats

· Listen to an audiobook while doing something else with your hands.

· Get together with friends.

· Meet a neighbor.

· Acquaint yourself with classical music. Listen together while just relaxing or doing something else with your hands. You might do some general listening or focus on one composer or era and supplement your listening with a little research on the Internet. There are some interesting stories behind some pieces like Haydn’s Surprise Symphony (No. 94) and Farewell Symphony (No. 45) and Handel’s Water Music and others.

· Work on a major project like cleaning out the attic. Involve the children. Some of the best family times are not just the vacation and fun days, but working together. It can be a fellowship time as well as a teaching and work time.

Find other workable summertime tips at Rocks In My Dryer.

That’s one way to learn….

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A couple of days ago my usually-sunny Jesse looked a little perturbed when he got into the car after school. A substitute teacher had assigned the class to write a story using their vocabulary words, due the next day. I don’t know if his consternation was due more to the “that’s not the way our teacher always does it” syndrome or to the fact that he had so short of a notice, or what. We got home and he chilled out in his usual after-school fashion by getting a snack and watching cartoons for a little while, then playing video games.

He usually does homework after dinner, but for some reason we both got distracted and forgot about it until 9:00 — an hour before his bedtime. He rummaged around his backpack for his vocabulary book before shamefacedly telling me he had left it at school.

I was not pleased, to say the least, and my expression surely showed it, because he apologized immediately.

Now — we only live about 3-7 minutes away from the school, depending on traffic and red lights. And I have a key to the building he would need to get into to get his book. The last thing I wanted to do at 9:00 p.m. was go out in the dark with a thirteen year old to unlock a building a retrieve a book. Something I wrestle with often as a parent is when to let a child take the consequences of his actions and when to jump in and help. I didn’t say anything for a few minutes as I mulled this over.

Then Jesse came up with the idea of calling a girl in his class whom he knew to be “responsible” and asking her for the words and definitions. So she graciously read every vocabulary word and its definition over the phone while he wrote them out longhand.

He then came back to his backpack to get out the paper to start writing his story and found — his vocabulary book!

We all had a good laugh about it and teased him that at least that was a good way to study his vocabulary. Hopefully this will also spur him to check to make sure he has all the books he needs before he comes home. I was especially glad I hadn’t taken him to school at night to get the book that was safely home! And I learned yet again to give them a few minutes to work out a solution before providing one.

A nice Mother’s Day and more stray thoughts

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I had a lovely Mother’s Day. One tradition that developed somehow is that Jim usually grills something for lunch on Mother’s Day after church and the boys are all assigned a side dish. Jeremy made the salad, Jason made Rice-a-roni, Jesse shucked corn on the cob while Jim grilled the chicken. Jim also cut up strawberries and got those little sponge cake thingies and whipped topping for strawberry shortcake. Jim did the shopping for the meal on Saturday. Jeremy set the table, and then they cleaned up the kitchen afterward. Not only is the meal great, but it is so lovely to come in after church and just go relax!

When the boys were little I had them pick out cards to buy for family members having birthday or for Father’s Day and such — I think we may have made cards once or twice, but I can’t remember for sure. But as they have gotten older, I leave that to them — and they don’t usually buy or make cards of any kind. 🙂 But this year Jesse gave me a card with his present. When I opened it, it was a thank you card, and at first I chuckled at that. But inside he thanked me for the things that I do for the family (at the top was making food. 🙂 “The way to a man’s heart…..”). It was very, very sweet, and a note I’ll keep always.

Jim always gives lovely, thoughtful cards. I also received a couple of books I had been wanting plus one in a series that I didn’t know was coming, some scrapbooking paper and alphabet punches and a lovely print and a gift card to get it framed. I am very blessed!

On a different line of thought, my heart has been heavy this week for a family I know in which the teen-age daughter is having some problems that came to a head recently. The people involved (and, I think, everyone whom we mutually know) don’t read my blog, but I still don’t want to disclose the details to protect privacy. They are receiving counseling, and one thing that came up was the lack of boundaries the child had and the mother’s being a “softie” and letting her have her way. The counselor told her that was bad parenting. I don’t think that was the wisest wording, because she was so wounded over being called a bad parent that she’s not hearing any solutions.

This is not the first time someone we know has reaped problems in the teen years that were sown in the early years. Whether the parent in some cases just doesn’t know how to discipline, or they felt it would be too “mean” to do so, or they’re too influenced by some off-the-wall child psychology that tells them they’ll damage their child’s little psyche if they tell them no, or they’re just lazy, the end result is usually the same. We’re naturally self-centered and we don’t usually naturally want what’s best for ourselves, plus children aren’t born with wisdom and experience. Parents aren’t doing children any favors by letting them have their way all the time, by not ever restraining them, by always giving them they want.

When I was in college taking a class on the family, it was stressed that parents need to think about what kind of adult they want their child to be and then raise them accordingly. If we want to raise an adult who will be a diligent worker who sees a job through to completion, we need to give him “chores” to do (and finish) when he’s young. If we want our children to be adults with a healthy measure of self-control, we have to realize they are not going to have it magically when they turn 18: it has to be developed along the way, and it won’t be if they always receive what they want. We can’t expect perfection, of course. But they can begin at a pretty early age to have the foundation laid.

I’ve been thinking for a while about writing our philosophies and how we disciplined our children. I’ve been hesitant because I’m not an expert and no one in my family is perfect, and I don’t want to come across as if I think I am. Yet the Lord did teach us some things along the way, and there seems to be such a need for parents to realize that not only can they discipline their kids, but it is their God-given responsibility to. I see so many out-of-control kids leading their parents around, with the parents shrugging and thinking that’s just how it is or getting really frustrated and then doing things they regret. It doesn’t have to be that way.

So — I may think and pray further about that. I can’t write it our today — I have some other obligations. But I may do so later this week.

I hope this hasn’t sounded like a “rant” — I haven’t meant it that way at all, and that’s not how my heart feels writing it. I’m more saddened and burdened for families in this situation.