Author Archives: Barbara Harper

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About Barbara Harper

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Women and Stress

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I’m embarrassed to say I have had Women and Stress: A Practical Approach to Managing Tension by Jean Lush and Pam Vredevelt on my bookshelf for years. Just recently the title caught my eye, and I decided it was about time I got to it.

Jean Rush was a family therapist who was a frequent guest on James Dobson’s Focus on the Family radio program. Pam was a counselor.

They start off the book discussing the different things that make us tense (they seem to use stress and tension interchangeably). Then they discuss the typical responses to tension, especially the “fight or flight” responses and the advantages and disadvantages of each.

They use the imagery of a storage pot of tensions, with each person having a different size pot. But eventually, each pot can overflow, causing a mess. But they also talk about energy which seeks a discharge, which reminded me of static electricity.

Then, as the title says, they share some very practical ways to keep the pot from overflowing or the electricity from discharging. They use multitudes of helpful examples from their own lives and practices.

A couple of my favorite quotes from the book:

What are your needs? How do you need God to intervene for you? Talk with Him about your sources of tension. Ask Him for wisdom and guidance. Ask Him for answers. God is not partial. He will do for you what He has done for me and Susan, June, Mrs. Hastings, and countless others. His ears will hear your cry, and He will act on your behalf, but it all must start with you. Carve out some time to be alone with Him. Tune your ears to listen to His Spirit. Open your heart to receive from Him. Then get ready. Watch. Wait. In time, you’ll sense Him filling the holes in your soul (p. 91).

I believe many of life’s greatest blessings come wrapped in struggle paper. Unwrapping those blessings takes time. It’s a process consisting of several phases (p. 256).

I appreciated the authors’ down-to-earth approach. Their chapters weren’t weighted down with clinical language or vague theories. I loved that they centered their advice around God and His ways and Word.

I think the authors and I would agree on core Biblical issues, but I think we come from different faith traditions. On the very first page, Jean mentions something that I would disagree with. I went back and forth about whether to get into the issue here, and decided against it. It would take a while to explain adequately and might be misunderstood. But, like any book, we read with discernment and compare what we read with Scripture.

This book was published in 1992. It doesn’t mention some ways to relieve tension that you might find in a modern book, but I liked its “old school” approach. Even though it’s older, and I might not agree with every little point, I found much helpful information here.

When Is It Wrong to Complain?

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It wasn’t one of my finer moments.

In my senior year of college, some of us were assigned to student teach at a particular public school. One of the young men generously offered to drive us there and back every day. Since most of us did not have cars, we appreciated his offer.

I don’t remember what kind of car my fellow student had, but something about it produced an awful sulfurous smell. I frequently commented on the bad odor as I got out of the car. One morning, the driver looked at me wearily and said, “I know. But I can’t do anything about it right now.”

Then I felt ashamed that I had complained, especially so often. Complaining didn’t help the situation, and it weighed on my fellow student who had been so kind as to give me a ride.

Sometimes It’s hard to know when “stating facts” is complaining. One of my children went through a period where, if I said, “It sure is hot,” he would say, “Complaining is a sin.” I don’t know what inspired him to say that. I am sure I probably spoke to my children about complaining at times, but not like that.

But is every observation about how hot or cold it is or how we’ve had not enough or too much rain complaining?

I want to know when my family doesn’t like food I’ve prepared or a gift I’ve given. I don’t want to keep feeding or giving them things they don’t want. But I hope they’ll let me know their dislikes in a kind way (and they do).

On the other hand, it’s possible to go too far the other way. My mother-in-law almost never complained. But that meant we didn’t know when something was wrong. Sometimes when we’d travel to Idaho to see her, we’d hear about some family problem. When we asked, “Why didn’t you say anything?” she replied, “I didn’t want you to worry.” It actually caused us to worry more that she’d carry the weight of family problems without letting anyone know.

The psalmists poured out their problems and their needs to God. Paul named people who wronged him.

So just stating that something is wrong is not complaining. But how we state it may be.

If you’ve read through the first five books of the Bible, especially Exodus, you can’t help but notice the Israelites’ complaints. They needed food and water, yes, but they didn’t ask God for them in faith. They griped, they threatened Moses, they vowed to turn back to Egypt, where they had it so good (how soon they forgot their woes in Egypt). God patiently met their needs at first. But after a while, after seeing Him provide for them over and over, they should have come to trust Him. He began to deal with them more severely. “ We must not put Christ to the test, as some of them did and were destroyed by serpents, nor grumble, as some of them did and were destroyed by the Destroyer. Now these things happened to them as an example, but they were written down for our instruction, on whom the end of the ages has come” (1 Corinthians 10:9-11).

Here are some considerations that help me discern when I’ve lapsed into complaining:

Is my complaint a lack of faith, like the Israelites? Do I fear that God won’t provide? Or do I not like the way He has provided?

Is my complaint a lack of gratitude or contentment? No matter how much God has provided, do I want more or better?

Am I being selfish or spoiled?

Do I need to adjust my perspective? When I can’t find my favorite brand of bottled water or toilet paper, I need to remember what a privilege it is to have either of those items.

Am I burdening or discouraging others with my complaint? My complaining of the car’s odor reminded me of Proverbs 27:15: “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike.” Proverbs 25:24 says it’s better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with such a woman. Though I wasn’t married to this young man, I’m sure my complaints were just as irritating as continual dripping.

Does complaining make up too much of my conversation?

Does my complaint need to be said? Sometimes yes. “With my voice I cry out to the Lord; with my voice I plead for mercy to the Lord. I pour out my complaint before him; I tell my trouble before him” (Psalm 142:1-2). We don’t need to act like Christians never have problems or burdens or issues. It’s okay to share troubles, likes, dislikes, frustrations. We need help and encouragement and comfort.

But sometimes no, as in my complaint about the smelly car. An observation or question (“What’s causing that awful smell?”) would have been one thing. But to continually carry on about it every day was wrong.

When Paul and Silas were beaten and imprisoned, they didn’t rail against the injustice of it all. They prayed and sang hymns to God. And God used them to share the gospel with the jailer, who became a believer. In Paul’s letters from prison, he shared his needs, but he didn’t grouse about his situation.

But, as I mentioned before, Paul did name people who had wronged him. His purpose, however, wasn’t just to gripe. He needed to warn the church that something with these people wasn’t right. It wasn’t a matter of a personal affront, but of a deeper issue.

After examining my heart for all these issues when I am tempted to complain, I need to remember that God has a purpose even in the everyday irritations of life. Amy Carmichael said, “The best training is to learn to accept everything as it comes, as from Him whom our soul loves. The tests are always unexpected things, not great things that can be written up, but the common little rubs of life, silly little nothings, things you are ashamed of minding one scrap” (source unknown). Elisabeth Elliot said, “An angry retort from someone may be just the occasion we need in which to learn not only longsuffering and forgiveness, but meekness and gentleness; fruits not born in us but borne only by the Spirit” (from “God’s Curriculum” in Keep a Quiet Heart).

God may be using these issues to strengthen my faith or character or rub some of my rough edges off.

Or He may want my different reaction to be a testimony, like Paul and Silas’ was. When Paul writes, “Do all things without grumbling or disputing,” he goes on to say “that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life” (Philippians 2:14-16a). Our lack of grumbling and arguing can be a means of shining God’s light in the world.

What do you think? When does stating a problem lapse into complaining?

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Laudable Linkage

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Here is the latest round-up of good reads found this week:

Hearts Painted by the Word Again and Again, HT to Challies. “The job of painting the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco is never-ending. I heard once that they paint it end-to-end, but by the time they get to the end—however many years that may take—it is time to start over.” I love the analogy drawn from this!

When Working for God Becomes the Goal. “It is not God’s design or will that any of His children find their personal worth in what they achieve. God never tells us that if we fail to ‘make a difference’ or ‘leave our mark’ in some profound way that we are insignificant. But this ambition to ‘leave a legacy’ through measurable success is mainstream in some cultures. It has a glittering appeal to those who have a genuine heart to serve Christ and be good stewards of their gifts.”

The Silent Sin that Kills Christian Love, HT to Challies. “Perhaps the test of faithfulness in a day of moral degradation will be our love for people across chasms of difference. Faithfulness isn’t in showy displays that we hate all the right people. Faithfulness isn’t in adopting a contemptuous posture toward the current president or the former one. The way of the cross rejects the path of sneers and jeers, whether in the form of elite condescension or populist passion.”

Mothering with Humility, HT to the Story Warren. “I didn’t have much choice but to be completely transparent with my seven-year-old son. A few minutes earlier, his concerned little face had peered down the stairs, trying to figure out why I was responding angrily to something his dad had said. Now, I found myself trying to calm him down and convince him to apologize to his older brother, with whom he was furious.”

Parents, Just Go to Church. “Getting to church is hard. But that’s part of the value of attending church every Sunday. It sets the tone for the Christian’s daily struggle to live in personal relationship with Christ.”

Why Study Doctrine? “Some dismiss doctrine as uninteresting, irrelevant, or just plain boring. ‘Don’t give me doctrine. Just give me Jesus! Doctrine may be cool for pastors or Bible nerds, but I live in the real world. I need practical stuff that works!’ Why study doctrine? Let me suggest a few reasons…”

Why We Go Light on Polemics, HT to Challies. “I am not saying there is never a time to do polemics. After all, Paul says that we “destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God” (2 Cor 10:5). . . . The main issue I’ve faced with polemical approaches is that they risk triggering a defensive response, where someone is overtaken by the sense that they are duty-bound to protect their community’s honor from the attacks of an outsider.”

Becoming a Better Bibliophile. “I keep convincing myself that I would be a better person if I simply buy another book.”

Friday’s Fave Fives

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Susanne at Living to Tell the Story invites us to stop for a moment and appreciate the good things of the past week. It’s been a nice, quiet week here with lovely fall weather.

1. A reversible bedspread. I’ve had the same bedspread for a few years and have kept the same side up all this time. But on a whim, last time I changed sheets, I decided to turn the bedspread over to its other side. It’s like getting a whole new covering. 🙂

2. Drop Stop. There’s something about the angle of my car seats that makes my phone slide out of my pocket. Then the phone falls between the seat and console, and I usually have to get out of the car and dig around to get my phone back. I had seen Drop Stop advertised, which fits between the seat and console to keep things from sliding down there. I thought that sounded like a neat idea, but didn’t get it until I saw it on a Woot daily sale. When I saw it was just a stuffed tube of fabric, I thought, “Why didn’t I think of that? I could have made something like this.” But it’s made out of a fabric that fits with car upholstery and doesn’t look “homemade,” so I guess that’s something. 🙂

3. Central heating. I know I say this at least once a year—but it’s good to be thankful for the same thing more than once, right? 🙂 We turned our heat on for the first time this fall when the outdoor temperatures dropped into the 30s. It was so lovely to just push a button and not have to gather wood or take out ashes.

4. Fall decorations. I didn’t take pictures–the decorations are the same as in past years. 🙂 But I enjoy changing things up a bit with the seasons.

5. Pickup order working out. I was running errands, the last of which was picking up a grocery order from WalMart. Then I got a text that my order was delayed. I tried to call the store to see when they thought it might be ready, but the number wasn’t working. Then I tried their 800 general customer service number. Long story short, I was able to pick up the order while I was out instead of coming back home and having to go out again that evening or the next day, which was a big help.

How was your week?

The Hatmaker’s Heart

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In The Hatmaker’s Heart by Carla Stewart, Nell Marchwold is an apprentice designer at Oscar Fields Millinery in 1920 New York City. Nell loves to make hats that frame a woman’s face and bring out her best features.

But Nell speaks with a lisp when she’s flustered, so Mr. Fields has kept her in the background—until one of his best clients falls in love with Nell’s designs. The prestigious Mrs. Benchley wants to commission Nell to make hats for herself and her two daughters for an upcoming event.

Then another well-known designer wants to use Nell’s talents for a show he is putting together.

Mr. Fields allows Nell to work on these other projects, but under the auspices of his shop. He’s two-faced, promoting her in public but treating her like dirt in private.

When Nell and Mr. Fields have an opportunity to go to London, Nell seeks a chance to visit her grandmother and a childhood friend, Quentin. Nell realizes she loves Quentin, but he seems to have moved on. And Mr. Fields is not giving her much time to spend with other people.

It’s hard to imagine that Nell just keeps taking what Mr. Fields is dishing out. But then, she’s young and naive. A big part of her character development is becoming her own person, deciding what she truly wants, and developing the backbone to stand up for it. Nell’s grandmother’s counsel reminds her to seek the Lord and walk with Him.

The book’s setting was interesting with the details about hatmaking. I had done just a tiny bit of that when working for a florist friend part time years ago, but we mostly just decorated hat forms. We didn’t make them from scratch like they did in the 1920s. And I never would have suspected that hat designs could be such a cutthroat business. But I guess they were a big enough fashion item in the day for designers to compete for their sales and designs.

A friend recommended a counselor to Nell to deal with her stammer. I wondered if his methods were true to the times–concluding that the stammer was related to a childhood trauma, having Nell remember specific incidents and draw pictures of them.

Quentin didn’t seem terribly well developed as a character. Since he and Nell were apart for most of the book, we really didn’t get a feel for any chemistry between them. Plus he seemed to have abrupt changes of heart in a couple of places.

So, I have mixed responses to the book. But overall it’s a good story.

Enchanted Isle

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In Enchanted Isle by Melanie Dobson, it’s 1958 and Jenny Winter doesn’t know what to do with herself. She dropped out of college because she wasn’t doing well in any subject. Her grandfather has someone from his company lined up for her to marry, but Jenny’s not sure that’s what she wants.

Her mother encourages Jenny to go to the Lake District in England for a couple of months. Jenny’s mom, Liz, had visited the area some twenty years earlier and had a friend who would be willing to let Jenny stay with her.

So Jenny flew to Lakeland. Though she wasn’t academic, she saw life through pictures and had a vivid imagination, Her mom had purchased a camera for Jenny’s upcoming 21st birthday, and Jenny is eager to try it out on the beautiful lakes and fells.

One place Jenny especially wants to visit is a theme park called the Enchanted Isle. Liz thinks it’s probably closed now, but Jenny wants to try to get in, just to see it and take pictures.

She finds that the park was indeed closed down, but not due to its age. An unsolved murder occurred there twenty years earlier. And the nice young man she just met, Adrian, has had a shadow hanging over his family because of it. His father had built the park with his business partner. But the business partner disappeared, and everyone thinks Adrian’s father killed him.

Jenny’s mother’s friend warns Jenny to stay away from Adrian, not only for his family’s history but for his own mistakes. But as Jenny gets to know him, she thinks he has been misjudged.

As Jenny uncovers the theme park’s history, she and Adrian discover that not everyone wants the park’s secrets revealed. And Jenny finds that even her mother didn’t tell her everything about her visit to Lakeland.

Another book I read recently mention the Lake District, so it was fun to find out more about the area.

The faith element of the story was natural and not preachy.

This was a sweet story, despite the murder mystery part of it. That part was handled well and with suspense. But I liked even better the themes of finding your own place in the world despite others’ expectations and not judging others, but getting to know their story.

Offers of Safety Are Not Always Safe

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Two children were lost in the cold, dark forest. They saw a gleam of light and made their way toward it. They found a cozy house yielding mouth-watering smells. An inviting blaze nestled in the fireplace. A grandmotherly woman invited the children inside for warmth, food, and safety.

But the house was made of candy especially to lure children in, and the old woman was a witch intent on fattening and eating children. Hansel and Gretel had not made it to safety: they were in more danger than ever.

Fairy tales aren’t the only source of deceptive offers of help and safety. News outlets tell of children being kidnapped by a noncustodial parent or lured by a stranger who offers to take them home. Runaways get taken in by gangs who sometimes addict them to drugs. Young women are forced into sex trafficking.

Last week I read of a man in a secular position of leadership who was ousted because of the church he attended. The man had not expressed his views, but his church was known to oppose certain narratives of the world. The protesters demanded his release so they could have a “safe” environment.

It used to be that tolerance meant that all views had a place at the table. Everyone would not agree. Debates might ensue. But everyone believed in free speech. A phrase I heard a lot growing up said, “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it” (attributed to Voltaire but actually written by Evelyn Beatrice Hall).

Not so anymore.

When my children were young, I thought the best way to protect them from the evils of the world was avoidance. And that may be true for the very young. But as they grew up, I realized they were going to be young men out in the world some day. It would be better to teach them what was right and wrong with the things they would face.

The ironic thing is, the world scoffs at the kind of protection that silences opposing views. But now the world is doing that very thing: silencing voices that don’t line up with the prevailing narrative. This is more in line with what cults do.

But in trying to make a haven “safe” from disagreeable voices, the world is becoming ever more enfolded in Satan’s clutches. Of course he doesn’t want people to think there is any other way than his. One of his tricks is to get people away from hearing truth. If he can’t do that, he’ll distort the truth.

Instead of shutting off opposing views, people should investigate them.

In Write Better: A Lifelong Editor on Craft, Art, and Spirituality, Andrew Le Peau says:

If we want to be honest persuaders, we will be on the lookout for and stay away from hasty generalizations, false analogies, demonizing opponents, avoiding or sidelining the central issue (that is, using red herrings), and more. Honesty means respecting the truth as best we can know it, respecting contrary viewpoints, giving due credit, and using logic (p. 44).

Le Peau also advocates being “truthful with contrary viewpoints” (p. 41). Instead of misrepresenting or weakening the other side’s points, look at their strongest points. “The advantage of presenting the strongest case against our viewpoint is that when we show the opposing view is still wrong, we have made our case even more convincing” (p. 41).

It’s possible to be deceived by others’ offers of safety. But it’s also possible to deceive ourselves:

Beware lest there be among you a man or woman or clan or tribe whose heart is turning away today from the Lord our God to go and serve the gods of those nations. Beware lest there be among you a root bearing poisonous and bitter fruit, one who, when he hears the words of this sworn covenant, blesses himself in his heart, saying, ‘I shall be safe, though I walk in the stubbornness of my heart.’ This will lead to the sweeping away of moist and dry alike. The Lord will not be willing to forgive him, but rather the anger of the Lord and his jealousy will smoke against that man, and the curses written in this book will settle upon him, and the Lord will blot out his name from under heaven (Deuteronomy 29:18-20).

We need to consider the source of proffered safety. Is the one offering safety trustworthy? Are their words true?

Our only safety is in the Lord. His words are truth. He has made us and knows what’s best for us. He’s the only one big, wise, powerful, good, and kind enough to keep us safe.

The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe (Proverbs 18:10).

Hold me up, that I may be safe and have regard for your statutes continually! (Psalm 119:117).

In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety (Psalm 4:8).

“Because the poor are plundered, because the needy groan, I will now arise,” says the Lord; “I will place him in the safety for which he longs.” The words of the Lord are pure words, like silver refined in a furnace on the ground, purified seven times (Psalm 12:5-6).

The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe (Proverbs 29:25).

Does God’s promise of safety mean we’ll never be hurt by others? No, as long as we live in this world, we’ll suffer the effects of sin. Those who live for God will suffer persecution in this world. But we’ll be safe from falsehood, safe eternally, safe in the arms of the only one who can help and rescue and keep us. Jesus told us not to fear those who could only kill the body, but to fear the One who can send both body and soul to hell. And right on the heels of that statement, Jesus told how the Father sees sparrows, and considers us more valuable than them (Matthew 10:24-34). As John Piper said, “After calming the sea he said, ‘Why are you afraid?’ Not because Christians never drown. But they are safe in drowning.“

Whether God protects us from harm here or takes us home to heaven, He is our safe haven.

Are you trusting a false offer of safety? Or are you resting in God?

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Laudable Linkage

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Some of you have told me that you really enjoy the links I share on Saturdays. I share more through the week on my Twitter account as I come across them. That’s about the only thing I use Twitter for, as well as sharing my own posts (and my Wordle scores. 🙂 ). Then I share here the ones that particularly resonated with me or that I think readers would like. The lists here and there don’t match exactly, but they overlap a great deal.

Immovable Hope in the Wake of Hurricane Ian, HT to Challies. “Psalm 46 describes an earth-shattering ocean storm. These verses will never again be an abstraction for those of us from Sanibel. Yet we must not forget how the psalm begins. God is our refuge.”

Be Angry and Do Not Sin, HT to Challies. “The problem is that we are happy to exploit what seems to be a legal loophole. Anger, in its very nature, is self-justifying. My anger is righteous; your anger is not. So if we are to find some righteous wiggle room here, we must proceed very carefully.”

A three-part series on uprooting bitterness: Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.

Three Battles to Fight for Personal Bible Study. “What if your life schedule has ticked up a notch and your desire for the Word has cooled and you’re rusty on your Bible study methods? If we hope to protect our daily time with God, we must keep up the fight on all three fronts. We must get ‘triple protection’ for our time with God if we hope the habit will last.”

Prioritizing Evangelism, HT to Challies. “But knowing the gospel and loving the lost isn’t enough. Just loving the lost is like crying at the bedside of a dying patient with the cure in our hands. We must administer it. What good is the medicine? What good are our tears? So speak forth the very Word of God. It’s the only medicine that can save the sin-sick souls from eternal physical damnation.”

When You Can’t Meet Every Need, HT to Challies. “I want to meet their needs and it brings me great joy to meet their needs. But I cannot meet every need for every person in the ways they want or even in the ways I would like to. It’s impossible. And so, as I was explaining this conundrum to my husband, I told him how I’ve reconciled the tension in my heart.”

You Can’t Do Everything and Not Everything Is for Everyone, HT to Challies. This is a similar idea to the article above except that one is about individuals and this one is about the church, but could also be applied to groups and organizations. “All these are valid questions to ask and think through. The problem is not in their being asked, nor in their being thought through, but in the stymying effect whatabouttery can have on actually doing anything at all.”

Mom, Jesus Is Praying for You, HT to Challies. “‘You’ve got this’ is a popular encouragement for moms. But what’s behind it? If it’s the belief that I naturally have what it takes to keep my children alive, help them flourish, and even see them come to Christ without completely losing my mind in the process—then I definitely don’t ‘have this.’ Not on my own.”

People Pleasing Is a Shapeshifter, HT to Challies. “Lo and behold, my consuming worries had very little to do with the other person at all. The anxiety was actually about me – my desire to be liked, respected, admired…and my craving to please people. Well, what do you know? I’m still a People Pleaser, after all. Apparently, People Pleasing is a shapeshifter, disappearing in one form and reappearing as something else.”

Friday’s Fave Five

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Just like that, we’re a week into October already. I appreciate Susanne at Living to Tell the Story for hosting this opportunity to pause and appreciate the good things of the week before they slip out of memory.

1. Lunch with Melanie. Since Melanie moved here from FL, we’ve tried to meet for lunch once every few weeks. I enjoy our fellowship, and lunch at Red Lobster with gift cards from my family is great, too.

2. Scheduling medical visits is NOT a favorite thing. I tend to put it off, and then when I do try to call, I spend time on hold or leave a message as we play multiple rounds of phone tag. I finally got a dentist’s appointment changed to a more suitable time and got my yearly physical scheduled. Nice to have that finally done, but it will be nicer still when both appointments are over.

3. A church dinner. We’ve been visiting a new church which has started having dinners on Wednesday evenings to facilitate people being able to make it to Wednesday night activities (prayer meeting, Bible study, youth group, choir). We had come to Bible study a few times but hadn’t made it to a dinner yet due to Jim’s work schedule. We finally went to dinner there this week. It’s a good way to get to know people–and not having to make a rushed dinner at home before dashing out was nice, too.

4. Naps. I don’t know why, but I have been wiped out this week. Maybe due to the fun but busy weeks before. But the nice thing is that this week a lighter schedule has allowed me to doze off in my desk chair or on the couch as needed.

5. Fall color is spreading in earnest. I love when autumn color comes on gradually, and each excursion outside yields new things to see. Some years the color hangs around for a while—other years, a good storm knocks the leaves off early. I’m hoping the color will stay as long as possible.

Bonus: The cooler nights are really helping me sleep well.

How was your first week of October?

Always, Only Good: A Journey of Faith Through Mental Illness

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Ron and Shelly Hamilton’s oldest son, Jonathan, began experiencing strange symptoms after taking a medicine prescribed by a dermatologist for acne. Shelly called the doctor’s office to ask about the medication, but the nurse said the medication was not responsible for Jonathan’s symptoms. When Shelly took Jonathan back in to see the dermatologist and explained how Jonathan was acting, the doctor told her to take Jonathan off the medication immediately. He said it would take a couple of weeks for the medicine to get out of Jonathan’s system, and then he would return to normal.

But Jonathan did not return to normal. He began a downward spiral of mental illness which was eventually diagnosed as schizophrenia. After fifteen years with his illness, Jonathan took his own life on Mother’s Day.

Shelly wrote Always, Only Good: A Journey of Faith Through Mental Illness for several reasons. She wanted to share her son’s story, give an idea what life is like for someone suffering from mental illness, and encourage those with mental illness and their caregivers that they are not alone and there is hope. She also wanted to help remove the stigma of mental illness, especially among Christians, so sufferers would feel more freedom to get help.

Sadly, many well-meaning people feel that mental illness is a only spiritual problem.One friend’s college professor called psychiatrists “quacks” and belittled taking drugs for mental problems.

Shelly differentiates between “the brain, which is an organ, and the mind, consisting of spirit, will, and emotions” (p. 207). Like any other organ, the brain can have physical problems which then affect the mind and body. A person with a mental illness can’t just “reason his way back” to right thinking.

Unfortunately, it can take a doctors a lot of tries to find the right medications or combination of medications which help each individual. And sometimes it takes weeks of trying medications to see if they work. Then, many have unpleasant side effects. When they are thinking right, most patients agree that being able to function is worth the side effects. But then many go through a cycle of becoming stable, thinking they don’t need their medicines any more, stopping them, feeling great for a couple of weeks until the medicine gets out of their system, and then crashing.

The title Always, Only Good comes from two sources.One was Shelly’s struggle at the beginning of Jonathan’s illness with how a good God could allow someone who loved Him and wanted to serve Him to have such an illness. Through struggle, counsel, and Bible study, she reaffirmed her belief that God is always, only good.

The other inspiration for the title was a song written to the last music Jonathan composed. Shelly gave the music and some verses and thoughts to Chris Anderson (pastor and author of “His Robes for Mine,” “My Jesus Fair,” and other hymns at Church Works Media). Chris put together this beautiful song as a testimony of Jonathan’s life. Here it is sung by Shelly, her youngest son, Jason, her daughter Tara and son-in-law Ben Farrell, and her daughter Megan and son-in-law Adam Morgan.

Shelly shares about her book here:

My family and I have listened to the Hamilton’s Majesty Music and Patch the Pirate recordings for decades. I knew some of the family’s story, particularly Ron’s testimony of trusting God through losing his eye to cancer. I didn’t know Jonathan’s troubles until his suicide. I am grateful Shelly was willing to be transparent in order to help and give hope to others. This book is a good resource for those suffering from mental illness and their families and those who want to be a help to them. It’s also a testimony of faith, of God’s grace and help through the hardest circumstances.

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