But That’s Not My Spiritual Gift!

Posted on July 11, 2016 by Barbara Harper

Some years ago it was all the rage to do spiritual gift tests. Spiritual gifts are those particular abilities that the Holy Spirit gives people when they are saved by which He wants to work through them to edify the body of Christ. You can find lists of them in Romans 12:6-8; 1 Corinthians 12:8-10, 28-30; Ephesians 4:11; 1 Peter 4:9-11. They have been taught about in almost every church we have been a part of, and in two churches we actually did the test during a church service, with one of them having a subsequent series about them.

The idea was to help people identify their spiritual gifts so they’d know how they best fit into the ministry of the church and not waste their time frustrated and ineffective in an area where they’re not gifted. And that can be helpful. When I first started going to church regularly as a teenager and then was recruited for various ministries, it seemed like a young woman was just naturally gifted for working with children, right? I was usually asked to assist and then later to teach in the nursery, Sunday School, children’s church, Awanas, etc. I could do it, I learned from it, I hope God used me in it, but it wasn’t until I was asked to take on a more administrative role that I felt I had found my niche and just sank into it with a delight and joy I hadn’t previously found in ministry. As other opportunities have opened up over the years I’ve had a similar response in a few different areas.

I think that might actually be the better way to discern one’s spiritual giftings: trying different ministries to see which one “fits.” The tests can help to a degree, but sometimes they’re more like personality tests; sometimes their definitions can differ from one another and/or from my understanding of what a particular gift entails. Sometimes the particular ministry I am in hasn’t really fit in any category I’ve seen on a test.

Another fault with the tests and perhaps too much of a focus on what *my* gifts are is the “That’s not my job” syndrome. I don’t have the gift of evangelism, so I don’t have to do that, right? No, we’re all supposed to be a witness for Christ in some way within our sphere of influence, though there are some who are especially gifted in that way. It’s the same with giving, showing mercy, extending hospitality, helping others, and many of the other spiritual gifts.

And then sometimes God drops us into a situation that we don’t feel gifted for at all: in fact, we feel totally inadequate. Moses, Gideon, Jeremiah, Jonah, and others didn’t greet God’s call on their lives the the attitude, “Sounds great! That’s just the kind of opportunity I was looking for!”

That’s where I am with caregiving. Someone I knew said of their daughter, who was training to be a nurse, that she was a “natural caregiver.” Another friend who is a nurse spoke of loving to use the talents God had given her to minister to people in that way – another natural caregiver. That’s not me. I want people to be cared for, particularly my mother-in-law. But I have never been good with or felt inclined to the hands-on type of caregiving she is in need of now, except with my own children.

Yet here we are. Do I tell God, “There must be some mistake here. Not only am I not gifted for this, but it’s keeping me from what I feel I am gifted for.” Probably not a good idea.

I was convicted by this sentence as well as other truths in the True Woman blog post “Serving in Church: When Your Spiritual Gift Isn’t Changing Diapers“: “This doesn’t mean my gifts aren’t important. What it means is that “sometimes the need for a servant is greater than my need to use a specific gift.” And from another article on the same web site, What About Your Desire to Do Something Great For God?: “When the desire to do for God supersedes the desire to obey God, it reveals that God is no longer the source of joy. A heart delighted in God desires to obey Him. A heart delighted in self desires to see what self can accomplish. A person delighted in God doesn’t care so much how God uses her, but rather that she is useful to God, the object of her delight. A person delighted in self cares deeply about how God uses her, because seeing the self she loves underused causes grief.”

Though we need to rely on God’s help, grace, and strength even for those areas where we feel He has gifted us, there’s nothing like being totally out of our element to make us lean on Him and plea for His enabling like never before. And though the main point of caregiving isn’t about me, but rather about showing love and ministering to my mother-in-law, perhaps one reason He has allowed this opportunity is to teach me lessons about my own selfishness as well as serving and loving others in the way they most need it, not in the way I am “comfortable” showing it.

Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Matthew 20:28

(Sharing with Inspire me Monday, Testimony Tuesday, Woman to Woman Word Filled Wednesday, Thought-provoking Thursday)

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Receiving Criticism

Posted on June 22, 2016 by Barbara Harper

I recently heard it said of someone that he doesn’t receive criticism well. And I thought, not many people do.

I have to admit, when someone points out something in my life that needs possible correction or attention, my first response is not, “Thank you! You’ve given me something to think about. I am so glad the Lord laid that on your heart to share with me.” It should be. But my first response to criticism (inwardly, at least) is more likely to be one of the following:

How dare you!
You just don’t understand.
Who do you think you are?
Oh yeah? Well, have you examined yourself lately?
What makes you think you’re right all the time?

Not very pretty, is it?

It should be no surprise to us that we’re not perfect, and no surprise that someone else notices that fact from time to time. We’re sinners — we naturally do wrong. We’d be the first to admit that we don’t have it all together. We’d never claim perfection. We probably know deep down that we have blind spots to some of our character flaws and that we tend to excuse or justify negative traits in ourselves that we see as faults in others (i.e., I’m determined but another who acts the same way is stubborn.)

Let someone try to correct us, and they are being hateful, petty, mean, or, one of the favorite adjectives in today’s Christianity, judgmental.

Here’s what Spurgeon had to say about being criticized:

“Brother, if any man thinks ill of you, do not be angry with him; for you are worse than he thinks you to be. If he charges you falsely on some point, yet be satisfied, for if he knew you better he might change the accusation, and you would be no gainer by the correction. If you have your moral portrait painted, and it is ugly, be satisfied; for it only needs a few blacker touches, and it would be still nearer the truth.” (Source unknown).

Isn’t that the truth? Sure, some people are judgmental. Some are busybodies. Some correct too much or too easily. Some people who really mean well can correct in an unkind or hurtful way. Some are even wrong in their critiques. But whatever they’ve said, they don’t know the half of it. There’s plenty of fodder for criticism in any of our lives.

Not surprisingly, the Bible has much to say about receiving criticism or reproof or correction. Here is just a sampling.

For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life. Proverbs 6:23.

Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee.
Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be yet wiser: teach a just man, and he will increase in learning. Proverbs 9:8-9.

He is in the way of life that keepeth instruction: but he that refuseth reproof erreth. Proverbs 10:17.

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise. Proverbs 12:15.

Poverty and shame shall be to him that refuseth instruction: but he that regardeth reproof shall be honoured. Proverbs 13:18.

A scorner loveth not one that reproveth him: neither will he go unto the wise. Proverbs 15:12.

The ear that heareth the reproof of life abideth among the wise. He that refuseth instruction despiseth his own soul: but he that heareth reproof getteth understanding. Proverbs 15:31-32.

A reproof entereth more into a wise man than an hundred stripes into a fool. Proverbs 17:10.

As an earring of gold, and an ornament of fine gold, so is a wise reprover upon an obedient ear. Proverbs 25:12.

I used to tell one of my sons who had trouble receiving correction that if he didn’t acknowledge that a certain action or attitude was wrong, he could not correct it or change it. I often shared with him Proverbs 28:13: “He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.”

So what’s the best way to respond to criticism? Here are a few tips that I know I need to put into practice:

Believe that the other person has your best interest at heart, or at least he or she is trying to make you better in some way. Thank them for their interest and concern.
Receive it calmly. Beware of responding defensively, in angry retaliation, or in a wounded closing in on oneself. You may need to ask for time to process what they’ve said.
Examine it to see whether it’s valid.
Pray about it. Maybe it doesn’t seem valid because you have a blind spot that God is trying to alert you to.
Criticism stings so much primarily because of pride. “God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble…Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up” (James 4:6, 10).

Humble

If it is valid, do whatever you need to do to correct it. Confess it to the Lord if it is a sin (1 John 1:9) and to anyone else it has affected.
If it is not valid, explain to the person, kindly and calmly, why you feel you need to keep doing what you’re doing. There are times it will be invalid. For example, a pastor of a church of 200 may hear 25 (or more!) opinions of what he should do, some in direct conflict with each other.There is no way he can implement every suggestion or change everything to please everyone.

We can take comfort in the fact that God sees believers through His Son, Jesus Christ, and that once we savingly believe on Him, His righteousness is transferred to our account because He took our sinfulness on His. Because of His amazing grace, those who have believed on Christ for salvation become God’s children, and will have a home with Him in heaven. Our eternal life begins NOW, not when we die.

Yet until we get to heaven, we have a sin nature to contend with, and we’re instructed to “grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (II Peter 3:18). II Timothy 3:16-17 tell us: “All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work” (ESV). Part of that growing, completion, equipping, is realizing those areas where we have a problem and then seeking God’s grace and relying on His Word to change us. So when we receive a criticism, instead of just brushing it off, we can see if God means to use it to show us something we need to know about ourselves. We can prayerfully examine it to see if it is just, then we can confess it to the Lord (and to whomever else we might need to confess it) and correct it and grow in wisdom and character — and stop causing a problem in other people’s lives by continuing on in the fault. Isn’t that much better than hanging on to our hurt and indignation? And even if the criticism is invalid, perhaps God allowed it to put us through a time of self-examination and humbling.

There is only one perfect person in the universe, and as we behold Him, He changes us to be more like Himself: But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord. II Corinthians 3:18.

(Updated from the archives.)

(Sharing with Inspire Me Mondays, Literary Musing Mondays, Woman to Woman, Works For Me Wednesday, Thought-Provoking Thursday)

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Book Review: The Renewing of the Mind Project

Posted on May 25, 2016 by Barbara Harper

I first became aware of The Renewing of the Mind Project by Barb Raveling through my friend Kim’s blog. She had also introduced me to two of Barb’s other books which I reviewed together last year: I Deserve a Donut (And Other Lies That Make You Eat) and Taste For Truth: A 30 Day Weight Loss Bible Study.

Barb begins with her testimony of the joy she found when she became a believer in Christ and the changes He worked in her heart and life. After a while, though, she “left her first love” and began skipping her quiet times with her Bible and prayer. She’d make resolutions and minor changes, but the same bad habits kept resurfacing. She knew only God could change her, and she prayed for that and waited, but nothing really happened. Finally she realized Romans 12:1-2 about being “transformed by the renewing of your mind” had an expectation for her. It is God who does the changing, not our self-will or self efforts, but He does expect us to learn the truth He has given us in His Word and apply it.

She expands on this in Chapter 3, “Just Say ‘No’ to Sin?” She brings up God’s commands to the Israelites to walk around the walls of Jericho a certain number of times for a certain number of days. She points out that it was definitely God who brought the walls down, yet He required this action and obedience on their part. She notes that though Jesus won the “ultimate victory…conquered sin through His death and resurrection, and we’re already new creatures if we’re His children through faith (2 Corinthians 5:15-21, Romans 6:4-11),” there are still things He “tells us to do after we’re saved, if we want to be transformed” (p. 13). Things like “Fight with spiritual weapons (Ephesians 6:10-18); “Take your thoughts captive to the truth” (2 Corinthians 10:3-5); Abide in Jesus (John 15:1-5); Abide in God’s Word (John 8:31-32); Walk by the Spirit (Galatians 5:16-25)” (p. 13), among others.

Do you see what an active role God asks us to play in the transformation process?…[This] list requires all kinds of effort. But there is a problem: the word effort is a no-no in the church today. People mistakenly think that if we talk about effort, suddenly we’re not believing in salvation by grace through faith, and we’re going all legalistic. Nothing could be further from the truth (p. 13).

Barb shares a couple of clarifications:

Don’t make the mistake of thinking [transformation] is the easy three-step plan to fix up your life. It’s not. Instead, it’s a way of life. A continual taking off lies and putting on truth in order to break free from our sins, bad habits, and negative emotions so we can love God and others better (p. 6)

We’re not starting from a point of having to measure up to be acceptable to God. We’re starting from a point of already being accepted by God if we’re His children through faith (Ephesians 2:4-9). This gives us a secure foundation. We can rest in His love and walk hand in hand with Him, working on this project together (p. 7).

[God] sees things right now in your life that He’d like to change. Not because He’s a demanding perfectionist who’s disgusted with you. But because He’s a loving Father who cares about you and also about the people you interact with each day. So as you look at your weaknesses, look at them from the comfort and safety of your Father’s arms. knowing that He’s looking at them with you, but through eyes of grace and love and a desire to help (p. 8).

She shares another motive for transformation: God wants us to “lay down our lives to love God and others well. The more we stay stuck in our sins and negative emotions like worry, anger, and insecurity, the harder it is to do that” (p. 14).

Some years ago, after being distressed with an angry response of mine, I looked up several verses on anger, typed them up in a neat list, and saved them to a file. That helped while I was working on them, but making lists in themselves doesn’t renew my mind. Barb describes the process like this: “The renewing of the mind is an active time of fellowship with God…but [it] is more than just reading the Word. It’s mulling over the Word, meditating on the Word, memorizing the Word, and allowing the Word to transform us” (pp. 15-16). It is “to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:22-24).

When we’re in the midst of temptation, everything within us is screaming to just give in and do it! We’re believing lies right and left–so many lies that there’s no way we can say no to temptation in our own strength. We desperately need to go to God for help so we can see the situation from His perspective. Because when we see it from His point of view, we’ll actually want to obey Him. The truth is, Satan and the lies of this world are so convincing that unless we go to God again and again to discuss life with Him, we won’t have much of a chance of living the way He asks us to live. If we want to be victorious over our habits and emotions, we need to take time to renew our minds (p. 17).

Barb goes on to discuss ways to meditate on the Scripture, using it in fighting sin and in prayer, and a concept she calls truth journaling, a way of putting out your thoughts one by one and then applying truth to them. Sometimes it is easier to evaluate our thoughts when we can take them out of their swirl in our brain and get them down in black and white, and applying the truth to them in that way helps to reinforce truth. She walks the reader through renewing our minds to deal with negative emotions, stop a bad habit, start a good one, or accomplish a goal.

The rest of the book is divided into different headings (emotions, stopping a habit, etc.) and then subdivided into specific areas (loneliness, insecurity, entitlement, failure, pride, frustration, stress, “I’ll start tomorrow,” and many, many more.) Under each specific emotion, habit, or thought, she has a list of questions, things you might need to accept or confess, Bible verses, and tips. For instance, some questions under the Entitlement heading are:

Why do feel like you deserve your habit in this particular situation?

Do you think God agrees? Why or why not?

What usually happens when you live by your rights and feelings in this area of your life?

Would your life be better if you gave up your rights and held life and your habit with open hands?

Are boundaries easy to follow or do you usually have to give up something to follow them?

What will your life look like in a few months if you consistently follow your boundaries?

Then she lists several Bible verses applicable to this subject. She ends with these tips:

It’s hard to break free from our habits because we hear the message everywhere we go: Life should be fair. You shouldn’t have to suffer. You deserve the good life. So when something bad or unfair is going on in our lives, we automatically reach for our habits.

The best way to break free from entitlement habiting is to adopt a biblical perspective of life. God never said, “You deserve the good life.” Instead, He said, “If you want to follow me, you have to give up everything” (Matthew 19:16-22, Matthew 16:21-28).

When we hold our habits tightly with clenched fists, we’re basically saying, “I deserve this, God, and I am not willing to give it up!”

God replies, “Your habit will never make you happy. Come to me and I’ll give you the abundant life.”

The more we hold our habits with open hands, willing to give up all things for God, the more content we’ll be. If you want to gain victory over entitlement habiting, learn to hold your habits–and your “right to the good life”–with open hands (pp. 186-187).

Of course, Barb isn’t saying that if you just answer these questions, read or even memorize the verses, and read the tips, then, Voila! You’re done! You’ve conquered! You’ll no longer have trouble with that habit! No, as she said in an earlier quote, it’s a way of life. When we’re tempted, when we’ve failed, when we think we have pretty good reasons for what we want to do or feel, when we’re going into a situation where we know we’ll have trouble – these are all situations, among others, where we need to go to God’s Word and renew our minds to think like He does.

A few more quotes that stood out to me:

[Boundaries] cramp our style, but you know what? Our style needs to be cramped. Because there are consequences to doing “what we want when we want” with our habits. Just think of your own habit. What happens when you do it as much as you want to do it? Do you live a wonderful, peace-filled life, thanking God every day for your habits? Or do you live a stressful, regretful life, full of the consequences of too much habit? (pp 60-61).

Is God enough to satisfy you even if you don’t get what you want? (p. 131).

Will breaking your boundaries make you feel better?…Will it solve your problems? Will it create new problems or make the situation worse in some way? What do your boundaries protect you from? Do you need that protection today? (p. 183).

The key to gaining victory over reward habiting is to remember that boundaries make our lives better, not worse. And if boundaries makes our lives better, then breaking them is a punishment — not a reward (p. 206).

Her mention of boundaries in these quotes refers to whatever specific guidelines we set up to curb a habit – say, for instance, we’re not going to eat sweets after dinner, or open Facebook until we’ve had devotions, or whatever. “The minute we set boundaries, our first impulse is to break them. Since we feel guilty about breaking them, our minds frantically (and secretly) try to come up with some justification of why in this situation, it’s okay to break our boundaries” (p. 202). There may be some times to legitimately break our boundaries, but we need to be honest with ourselves and not just make excuses and remember why we set the boundary in the first place.

As you can surmise, I found this book immensely helpful, hopeful, and encouraging. I love Barb’s direct, practical, straightforward style and her emphasis on the power of the Word of God and not a “formula” to help us change to be more like our God. She has a website here: the “Renewing of the Mind tools” tab expands on some of the principles in the book.

(Sharing at Semicolon‘s Saturday Review of Books)

Fleeting Pleasures, Eternal Joys

Posted on May 23, 2016 by Barbara Harper

As Jenny’s parents drove her to her birthday celebration at Disney World, she sat in her car seat bouncing a helium balloon. Her uncle had stopped by that morning to tell her happy birthday and surprise her with a balloon, and she insisting on bringing it to the theme park. Her parents had looked at each other, shrugged “Why not?” and consented. Jenny talked to her balloon, giggled, tapped it against the window, the seat beside her, and anything she could reach.

Her dad pulled into the parking lot and maneuvered the car into a spot. Her mom turned around and said, “Jenny, if you let go of your balloon, it will float up into the sky and we won’t be able to get it back. It will be too hard to hold it for a long time, so we’ll tie it around your wrist, okay? If you get tired of it, we can tie it to the stroller.” Jenny nodded enthusiastically.

She sat very still as her mother tied the balloon ribbon loosely around her wrist. Her parents allowed her to walk rather than sit in her stroller, knowing that soon enough she’d be tired and want to ride. As Jenny’s mother took her hand, she bounced her other hand up and down to make the balloon dance. But she couldn’t see it up so high and control it as well as when she held it, so she pulled her hand from her mother’s grasp and started fumbling with the balloon ribbon to get it off her wrist and hold the balloon herself. Her mother saw what she was doing, plus they had a rule about holding mommy’s hand in parking lots. “Jenny, you need to take my hand. And don’t pull the string off or the balloon will float…” Before she could even finish, Jenny had gotten the ribbon off her wrist, but didn’t have enough of a grasp of it to keep it from sliding between her fingers. The balloon floated out of her reach, and she cried, “Balloon! Balloon!” Her dad tried to catch it, but he couldn’t quite reach it. The three of them watched despondently as the balloon caught the breeze and floated farther and farther up and away. Jenny’s mother knelt down beside her daughter. “I’m so sorry, honey. But that’s what balloons do. Next time we’ll figure out a better way to hold it.” Her mother thought to herself, next time we won’t bring a balloon on an outing. To try to distract Jenny from her loss, her mom began talking about the party and pleasures to come. “Jenny, let’s go on in to Disney World. Your friends are waiting, we have birthday cake and presents, and then rides, and maybe we’ll even see Minnie Mouse!” But Jenny was too distraught. With all the thrills of the theme park and a birthday party ahead, she sat down in the parking lot, crying for her lost balloon.

___

The above is a fictional story, but I think it somewhat displays a spiritual truth. There are many good gifts from God in this life, and there is nothing wrong with enjoying them. But we get too caught up in them, grasping them, distracted by them, and forget that they were always meant to be momentary. We’re saddened when we experience loss or when something in life no longer satisfies. That’s normal. But it’s a reminder that this life is not all there is. Eternal life, for those who know the Lord, will be so much more than anything we have here, even anything we can imagine.

“Heaven is not here, it’s There. If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next. God is forever luring us up and away from this one, wooing us to Himself and His still invisible Kingdom, where we will certainly find what we so keenly long for.” ~ Elisabeth Elliot

(Sharing with Inspire Me Mondays, Woman to Woman, Testimony Tuesday, Telling His Story, Works For Me Wednesdays, Wise Woman, Thought-Provoking Thursday)

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My Father, My King

Posted on May 16, 2016 by Barbara Harper

We’ve been focusing on various aspects of God’s holiness the last few weeks in Sunday School. Yesterday we looked at several verses where someone encountered God’s holiness nearly full force and what effect it had on them. People responded to the physical appearance of angels in the Bible with fear and trembling and sometimes spontaneous worship (which the angels had to correct and stop): how much more fearful would be the presence of God Himself?

One that always particularly strikes me is John, who had been the closest disciple to Jesus during the Lord’s time on Earth. Yet when John saw Jesus in all His glory in Revelation 1:17, he didn’t shake his hand, slap him on the back, cry out, “So good to see you again!” He “fell at his feet as dead,” overwhelmed.

That’s perfectly understandable, yet I’ve always had a hard time reconciling that realization of God, both Father and Son, with concepts like being held by God and calling Him Abba (an affectionate name for Father, something like “Daddy.”) One seems so close, loving, intimate; the other so distant, troubling, unapproachable.

Though this is an imperfect analogy, it has helped me to think of it something like this.

Imagine a child interacting with his father in all the ways a child would: playing on the floor, being held in his lap and rocked to sleep, being read to, being comforted when hurt or afraid, etc. The child might know his father is something called a king, but he doesn’t quite understand what that is or what his father does.

But one day, an affair of state comes up which requires his father to wear his full royal regalia. As the child stands with his mother and siblings off to the side, the king’s entrance is announced and accompanied by a trumpet fanfare. When the king comes in, the child hardly recognizes the man as his father. He looks so different in his crown and royal robe, standing so erect, receiving the applause of the audience, speaking in such authoritative and measured tones, followed by his entourage. He has been told he must not run to him in this moment, but he wouldn’t be inclined to, anyway. He’s a little afraid of him and unsure of him. But as his father finishes speaking and turns to go back to the family part of the castle, he searches for his son, and smiles. And then the child recognizes the love in his eyes and knows that he was indeed, the same daddy who had comforted him and played with him so often before.

As I said, it’s an imperfect analogy, and it wouldn’t carry over in every single point. But the gist of it helps me to reconcile how the Lord whose full holiness will overwhelm me is the same Abba Father who comforts and cares for me now.

( Sharing with Inspire me Monday, Literary Musing Monday, Testimony Tuesday, Woman to Woman, Works For Me Wednesdays, Thought-provoking Thursday)

Uncontrolled Reactions

Posted on May 10, 2016 by Barbara Harper

Photo Courtesy of Photokanok at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I’ve never been particularly interested in or good at science classes, though I could always pass them fairly easily. My college major of Home Economics Education required a few sciences, though: biology, chemistry, and zoology. I have never figured out the zoology requirement – all I remember from that class is a session about parasites in some countries that could get into a break in the skin if you’re wading and grow the length of your leg – inside your leg. (Yikes!)

The chemistry class was a very basic one that mostly Home Ec. and P. E. majors took. Some of my memories from it were the experiments where we had an unidentified solution and had to try to do different things to it to determine what it was. I enjoyed the puzzle-solving aspect of that. One other memory from that class comes from one of our first times doing lab work. Among the safety instructions was this: if you pick up a beaker or test tube that is excessively hot, don’t drop it. Whether it’s hot from a chemical reaction or from heating, dropping it would likely cause it to break, splash, or spill, causing more damage to one’s skin than a momentary burn. We were instructed to carefully and calmly put it down, and then see if our burned skin was anything more than minor discomfort. I’m sure there had to have been instructions on avoiding that problem in the first place (timed heating, tongs, gloves, etc.), but what stood out to me was the necessity of controlling a reaction in a situation where a natural but uncontrolled one would multiply any damage already done.

This came to mind recently when a reaction of mine could have been disastrous if the circumstances had been just a little different. I find I am in the most danger of an uncontrolled reaction when I’m angry, hungry, frustrated, over-tired, over-stimulated, wronged. But I don’t see any of those listed as excuses in Scripture for not being filled with the Spirit. Yes, there is grace and forgiveness. Yes, God remembers that we’re just dust, and we need to do the same. But He does want us to grow in grace and the knowledge of Him and to continually change us to act more and more like Him. Lashing back at hurtful words, yelling at a child who has done wrong, matching the speed of the car trying to cut us off, could all cause more damage than the original offense.

I’m not talking about stuffing or burying our feelings. Sometimes we need to clear the air, deal with an offense, make a change. But we do also need to be forbearing, loving, and kind, which does not characterize uncontrolled reactions.

Usually afterward I can put the situation in perspective, apply Scriptural truth, see what I should have done. But how to keep from those wrong reactions in the first place?

I read just recently that we have more self-control than we think we do, because there are certain people we wouldn’t react wrongly in front of (a boss, a pastor, etc.), and because we can shift gears if, for instance, we answer the phone or someone walks in. Perhaps pretending that someone I respect is with me or watching me would help – or, more likely, to remember that my Lord is with me and watching all the time.

Of course, the general means of Christian growth help as well: reading, remembering, and meditating on Scripture, prayer, etc. Perhaps specific study in problems areas or in yielding to God’s control would particularly help. The more we are in God’s Word, the more the Holy Spirit can bring it to our minds when needed. “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh” (Galatians 5:16).

Here are some other steps that I find helpful:

Stop. Just stop whatever the natural reaction is and take a moment to take a deep breath and think.
Pray – for help, for the right reactions, for wisdom.
If possible, get a few moments alone. That helps emotions to cool down and gives time to gain perspective. When my children needed to be disciplined, we always told them to go sit on our bed, wait for us, and think. While we did want them to think about the situation, we also needed that time to make sure our own emotions were under control, to pray, and to discuss the best course of action.
Take care of whatever needs to be taken care of at the moment. (Wipe up the spill, slow down, feed the hungry child, etc.)
Listen to that voice in your head telling you not to react the way you feel like reacting.
Remember the damage that could be caused if you react the way you feel like reacting.
Let it go. Not like the Disney song, but, as someone once said, you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. So what if another driver cuts me off, if every line I get in at the store slows to a stop, if interruptions invade my day. It’s not the end of the world. Who says I have any right to expect everything to go exactly my way all the time? (I need to preach this to myself often!)
Don’t feed the flame. This is related to the above, but don’t keep rehearsing over and over whatever got you upset in the first place. That’s only going to keep your emotions stirred up.
Die to self. “See in this which seems to stir up all you most wish were not stirred up — see in it a chance to die to self in every form. Accept it as just that – a chance to die” (Amy Carmichael).
Afterward, consider ways the problem could be avoided next time (leave early enough so that I am not stressed driving, don’t over-schedule, get enough rest, make sure to listen to what the other person is saying and ask questions to avoid misunderstanding, etc.)
Don’t give way in little things and then expect to be longsuffering in major areas.

A word of explanation about that last one: I used to think that if I gave way to temper or frustration in little things when I was home alone, it wouldn’t be a problem: there was no one to see me and no one would be hurt by anything I said or did. But I was wrong, because it fosters the habit of giving way instead of reinforcing the exercise of self-control.

In our last couple of Sunday School classes, we’ve been talking about Moses, specifically the incident in Numbers 20 when the children of Israel needed water and got after Moses about it. Moses went to God, and God told him to speak to the rock, and water would come forth. But after chiding the people a bit, Moses struck the rock instead of speaking to it. Now, I confess I would have lost it with the people long before Moses did. In verse 12 God says Moses’ action reflected unbelief. I don’t know whether he was going by the formula that worked before (in Exodus 17, God did tell Moses to strike a rock to get water), trusting in his action or his rod rather than in the word of God, or what exactly. His words, “Must we fetch you water out of this rock” (verse 10) indicates he was trusting in his action rather than God’s word. But for that God barred him from entering into the promised land that he had been leading Israel to for almost 40 years (verse 12), one of the costliest consequences of an uncontrolled reaction recorded in Scripture. On the other hand, David, when slighted and repulsed by Nabal, was going to come and decimate Nabal and his men until Abigail intervened and talked him down with her calmness, reason, and gifts (1 Samuel 25). To David’s credit, he listened and stopped what he planned to do, and God took care of Nabal. Abigail prevented major bloodshed and became David’s wife.

Of course, our prime example of godly, controlled reactions is our Lord Jesus. His turning out the money changers in the temple was not a temper tantrum: it was a cleansing of His Father’s house. He “did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously: Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed” (I Peter 2:22-24). The more we “with unveiled face, behold the glory of the Lord,” the more we”are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another” (2 Corinthians 3:18).

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. James 1:19

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

________________

( Sharing with Inspire Me Monday, Testimony Tuesday, Woman to Woman, Works For Me Wednesdays, Thought-provoking Thursday.)

When the Cross Is Too Great

Posted on April 10, 2016 by Barbara Harper

As I was compiling our church ladies’ booklet for this month, I came across the following in my files. It made me think of a couple of women in our church whose husbands have passed away in the last few weeks as well as one couple whose wayward son has spent time in prison and is still unrepentant. I’m sure many others are carrying crosses that I am unaware of. I know some of you are weighed down with burdens or crosses of varying kinds as well: may you be blessed in knowing God’s presence and care.

“The road is too rough,” I said;
“It is uphill all the way;
No flowers, but thorns instead;
And the skies over head are grey.”
But One took my hand at the entrance dim,
And sweet is the road that I walk with Him.

“The cross is too great,” I cried–
“More than the back can bear,
So rough and heavy and wide,
And nobody by to care.”
And One stooped softly and touched my hand:
“I know. I care. And I understand.”

Then why do we fret and sigh;
Cross-bearers all we go;
But the road ends by-and-by
In the dearest place we know,
And every step in the journey we
May take in the Lord’s own company.

~ Author unknown

“And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and
take up his cross daily and follow me.”
Luke 9:23

To the Shy

Posted on March 22, 2016 by Barbara Harper

Photo Courtesy of marcolm at freedigitalphoto.net

I grew up extremely shy. I think it’s party due to my natural personality, but it’s probably also influenced by my being the oldest and the only child for four years. As a child I preferred being with the adults – that’s what I had gotten used to. I didn’t interrupt or try to monopolize the conversation – I grew up in the “Children should be seen and not heard” era and was taught to sit quietly. But my mom would often “make” me go play so the adults could talk. Once when another mom with kids about the age of my brother and myself came over, my mom, an extrovert who never knew a stranger, told us to take them into the bedroom and play. We all just looked at each other for a long moment before finally venturing off to the toys, where eventually the ice broke. Even as a young adult I was content to listen to others talk and would almost panic if someone tried to draw me into the conversation. I did have friends growing up, but often it was just one or two very close friends.

I say all that to convey that I understand what it is to be painfully shy. But I want my shy friends to consider something for a moment.

Picture this scenario: you’re about to come down a sidewalk or aisle at church, and you see someone you know coming toward you from the other direction. So you begin to consider when and at what point to make eye contact and say something, try to think of what to say, etc. (This probably sounds totally insane to non-shy people, but it’s a very real process!) So just when you’re about to come up even with the person, you look toward them, open your mouth to say hello, and….find them looking in the complete opposite direction as they pass you in silence. That feels like a slap in the face or a deliberate snub. It’s not, and the people that this has happened with all have a reputation for being shy, but even though I understand, it hurts, especially when it happens at church, and I have to remind myself that it probably wasn’t meant to be personal. It happened so often with a few people that it was obviously more than that they had just been deep in thought and hadn’t noticed me.

I was surprised more than once in college when someone would tell me, after they got to know me, that they had originally thought I was “stuck up.” They took my natural quietness as snobbishness. And who knows how many people’s feelings I may have hurt or how many beneficial conversations and potential friendships I missed out on because I didn’t want to engage people.

I can’t say I have truly overcome shyness; it’s still my default mode. But I have grown to the point that I can usually have (and even start!) a conversation with most people without going into a panic attack. One thing that helped me personally was that I attended a small Christian school for my last two years of high school. I had come from a big high school where it was easy to be a wallflower, but in the smaller group setting I was able to get involved in a number of areas I never would have dreamed of in my former school. Plus, in a smaller group, it was obvious that one was the “new kid,” and it was easier for people to talk with and welcome me in that setting. College was an adjustment, but it did improve my “people skills.” Then the man God directed me to marry was much more relaxed that I was and had no trouble talking to people, though he would describe himself as an introvert. But besides those factors, here are some general principles I learned:

Relax! If you work yourself into a tizzy over interacting with people, it’s very hard to overcome that.

Think of the other person. Once when I was an officer in a ladies’ group at one church, at an officer’s meeting the pastor’s wife was admonishing all of us to speak up when addressing the group so we could be heard. She was a no-nonsense older lady and went on to say, firmly but not unkindly, that if we felt self-conscious, as Christians we were supposed to forget self. Putting it that way helped me a lot, because often the tension comes in focusing on myself and how the other person might react, etc. But if I think of them instead, that takes the focus off myself. Greeting new people at church is still something that does not come naturally to me, but one thing that motivates me is the thought of how they’ll feel if no one speaks to them, or if I am sitting right by them but don’t extend myself. And in situations like passing another person I know but not well, one thing that motivates me to speak to them is remembering the feeling of being snubbed when someone else looks away instead of speaking to me.

Remember an acronym to aid conversation.The husband of a couple that have been our friends for 35+ years once said that his mom taught him as a boy the acronym for what she called the conversation ball: ALC for ask, listen, and comment. That’s really what conversation boils down to, but remembering that helps if it doesn’t come naturally. I wished I had known this years before.

Practice. You may feel stiff and stilted and awkward at first, but interacting with people is a skill that improves with use. Even making mistakes and experiencing conversational flubs happens to everyone.

Accept that you’re probably not going to be the life-of-the-party type. Big, crowded, noisy events are not my favorite thing, but I can usually find a quiet spot with one or two people to talk to.

Pray. This is really the first principle. Even though God made you more quiet and probably introverted (though introversion and shyness are not exactly the same thing), there are times He wants you to step out of your comfort zone and interact with people. You may not feel comfortable being the church greeter and glad-handing everyone in the lobby, but look for people you can say a few words of greeting to. Ask Him for what to say and for help with nerves and for the grace to focus on the other person’s needs.

A couple of thoughts for parents: if you have a child who is painfully shy, I think the “sink or swim” method of leaving them in a large social setting like nursery or preschool to “cry it out” might be more traumatic than helpful, especially if they panic. It’s helpful to introduce them to social settings on a smaller scale, having one other couple or mom over with their kids. Instead of shooing them off to play, suggest things they might do (“Mary, Susie might be interested in your paper doll collection,”) or start the “conversation ball” rolling yourself (“Stevie, I heard you’re learning to ride horses. That sounds like fun – how did you get started?”)

Do you have any other tips for overcoming your own shyness or helping shy children?

Sharing with Inspire Me Mondays.

Book Review: What Are You Afraid Of: Facing Down Your Fears With Faith

Posted on February 24, 2016 by Barbara Harper

I finished What Are You Afraid Of: Facing Down Your Fears With Faith by David Jeremiah a few days ago, and in order to try not to lose the good points I read there, I started outlining the book. Now I have so much of it I would like to share that it’s hard to know where to start.

His introduction is obviously the best place, where he discusses the universality of fear, the different forms it can take, and the Bible’s many references to it. Believers know that God is good, loving, all-powerful, wise, and omnipotent, yet we still wrestle with fear. So how do we deal with it?

Biblical heroes were regular people who had to learn the same things you and I have to learn–to drive out fear by increasing their knowledge of God, to shift their focus from their present fear to the eternal God, to replace what they didn’t know about the future with what they did know about Him.

Dr. Jeremiah takes a different chapter to discuss in detail nine common fears: disaster, disease, debt, defeat (failure), disconnection (being alone), disapproval/rejection, danger, depression, and death. His tenth chapter is an in-depth look at the fear of God.

Each chapter follows a fairly similar arc. The particular fear is explored, Biblical truths are brought to bear to change our thinking about it, a more in-depth study of one person in the Bible is discussed with truth being brought out about that person’s situation, those truths are also brought out or applied to people in more recent times, and tips are shared to help deal with the situation. For instance, the chapter on debt, or financial collapse, primarily studies Psalm 37, with other Scriptures discussed as well. Then the author shares details about the life of Anna Warner, whose family lost everything in the Panic of 1837. The only thing Anna and her sister knew to do to help was to write, and they ended up writing over a hundred books. In one of them, Anna included a poem she has written: “Jesus Loves Me, This I Know,”which has blessed an untold number of people in the years since.

The chapter on disease mentions several people in the Bible who faced illness, but focuses mainly on Hezekiah, his prayer, God’s answer, his praise – and then his fall as his “heart is lifted up with pride” afterward. “His miraculous recovery caused him to lose his near-death humility.” There are things worse than illness. Here the author includes Practical Encouragements When Facing Disease, greatly informed by his own bout with cancer.

Though each chapter focuses on one type of fear, there are truths that apply to them all. Christians are not immune to any of these troubles. But God loves us, despite what the circumstances seem to indicate. He is all-knowing and all-powerful. He can take care of whatever the situation is. He is with His children in everything they do. He has a reason for allowing various trials and will somehow work it for good. He wants us to trust Him, and He wants us to focus on eternal values. This world is just a temporary dwelling place, and we get way too caught up in it and less mindful than we should be about our eternal home. Paul said he learned to be content in whatever state he was in, whether full or hungry, whether having plenty or suffering need. That should be true of us with any of these needs, not just physical provision. For instance, God made us to need and interact with people, but sometimes He allows loneliness and wants to draw us closer to Himself. It’s not wrong to have material things, but sometimes He allows them to be taken away, and that reminds us to hold onto things in this life loosely (I’m not saying that’s the main reason why God allows loss, but loss does remind us that “we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out” (1 Timothy 6:7).

“In a very real sense, we’re all nomads — pilgrims bound for an eternal world who are just passing through this physical one. This world is not our home, and when we leave it, any possessions that outlast us will be owned by someone else. The impermanence of this world and all that is in it is actually good news for those of us who have faith in God. It means we’re moving on to better things.” “When we allow the tangible but transient to block our perception of the invisible but imperishable, we’ve lost our perspective on true value.”

“The one great loss we need is the loss of the illusion that we’re in any way self-sufficient. We need the Rock that is higher than we are, higher than this world…at the end of our vain hope lies the beginning of the knowledge of God and His grace.”

“We need to understand that faith in God does not immunize us from financial failure. As long as we live in this fallen world, there will be no such thing as complete financial security. There is no ultimate security in anything but the grace of God. To be human means that loss, including heartbreaking loss, is always possible. As tough as times are, they can and may become much worse. But faith in God assures us that He holds our lives in His powerful, loving hands, which means no collapses, no losses, no fears can truly harm us. As the Lord of this universe, He is, indeed, too big to fail.”

Here are a few of the many quotes that stood out to me:

“Set a clear focus in your life, and fear will be crowded out. The more you fix your eyes on God’s purpose for you, the more you will overcome your fear.”

“Sometimes the majority gets it wrong. The wisdom of God is often found on the narrow path that few travel rather than in the easy and popular choice. Leadership is a great deal more that gauging which way the wind is blowing. It often requires standing firm as the current tries to bend you in another direction.”

“Faith is the act of hanging on to that truth [Heb. 13:5] even when we don’t feel His presence.”

“Fear drains us, while love empowers us. We cannot fear people and love people at the same time. We cannot sacrificially and unconditionally love others if all our energy is directed toward protecting ourselves. When we love others (including those who can harm us), life is no longer about us, and fear of disapproval is driven away.”

“It is possible to be humanly afraid without succumbing to fear. It is possible to feel fear and faith at the same time without fear getting the upper hand.”

“We can find ourselves in the middle of God’s perfect will and in the middle of a storm at the same time.”

“Many people believe faith is some kind of insurance against high blood pressure and heartache. Trust God and you’ll have no worries. But a great paradox of Christianity is that trusting Christ doesn’t keep the storms away. In fact, sometimes it pushes us into deep and turbulent waters.”

“Storms are not punishment for lack of obedience; oftentimes they are the result of obedience!”

“The good news is that we need not understand the darkness to recover the light. Job never got the answers he asked for. The extent of the explanation he received was that God is God and Job was not. The mystery endured. Scripture isn’t concerned with solving mysteries but with aligning paths to lead to God.”

“Job wanted answers, Paul wanted relief. But God had the grace to give them what they truly needed – more of Himself.”

The last chapter on fearing God was especially good. Here are just a couple of quotes from it:

“We fear God by honoring, reverencing, and cherishing Him. His greatness and majesty reduce us to an overpowering sense of awe that is not focused only on His wrath and judgment but also on His transcendent glory, which is like nothing else we can confront in this world. It leaves us all but speechless.”

“When we truly fear God, our fear of other things and other people begins to wane. Big fears make little fears go away.”

“It is when other fears take precedence over God that we get into trouble.”

This book is an invaluable resource, one I will turn to time and again.

(Sharing at Semicolon‘s Saturday Review of Books)

Just As I Am

Posted on February 21, 2016 by Barbara Harper

I love this arrangement of “Just As I Am,” especially with the addition of these lines (which I believe were written by Travis Cottrell):

I come broken to be mended
I come wounded to be healed
I come desperate to be rescued
I come empty to be filled
I come guilty to be pardoned
By the blood of Christ the Lamb
And I’m welcomed with open arms
Praise God, just as I am.