Does God Have a Specific Will For Your Life?

Posted on January 5, 2025 by Barbara Harper

I became a Christian in my later teen years, when one faces myriad choices that will affect the rest of life: college or not, and where; majors; vocations; mates, location.

In the years since my teens, I’ve read a number of opinions about discerning God’s will for your life, or for specific decisions.

Some say God does not have a specific will for whom you marry, what job you do, etc. Big and small decisions are up to you–if you love God, whatever you want to do is fine. I assume they base that view on Proverbs 16:9: “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”

And while that verse is true and comforting, I don’t really see a “do whatever you want” attitude in Scripture.

God had a specific will at least for some people:

Rebekah to marry Isaac.
David, not his brothers, to be king.
Not David, but his son to build the temple (2 Samuel 7).
Moses to lead the children of Israel from Egypt (Exodus 3)
Mary to bear Jesus.
Paul to go to Macedonia, not Asia (Acts 16:6-10).

Furthermore, James 4:3-17 warns against planning to go to another town and trade without taking God’s will into account. I would assume that principle applies to all our plans, not just travel and trade.

And then, Ephesians 2:8-10, after the famous verses about being saved by grace through faith and not our works, informs us that “we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” God saves His people by His grace, and their faith is then expressed in good works. But could it also mean that, in God’s workmanship, He prepared each person for specific works? Some commentators seem to think so. Speaking of this passage, Warren Wiersbe says:

These works are not only good; they are also “prepared.” “Good works which God hath before ordained [prepared] that we should walk in them” (Eph. 2: 10). The only other time this word is used in the New Testament is in Romans 9: 23: “vessels of mercy, which he had afore prepared unto glory.” The unbeliever walks “according to the course of this world” (Eph. 2: 2), but the believer walks in the good works God has prepared for him.

This is an amazing statement. It means that God has a plan for our lives and that we should walk in His will and fulfill His plan. Paul is not talking about “kismet”—an impersonal fate that controls your life no matter what you may do. He is talking about the gracious plan of a loving heavenly Father, who wills the very best for us (Be Rich [Ephesians]: Gaining the Things That Money Can’t Buy, pp. 60-61, Kindle version).

On the other end of the spectrum, conscientious people who care very much about God’s will can become almost obsessed with finding and following it, and fearful of missing it. This is where I was in my early twenties.

One example was in dating my husband. When we began to get more serious, I struggled with whether he was the man God wanted me to marry. My parents were divorced, so I knew love didn’t always last. I had been engaged before. But in processing things after we broke up, I realized we were not right for each other. I was stunned that I didn’t see that in the first place. If I could have been so mistaken then, how could I be sure now?

It took me a long time to realize that if I earnestly wanted and asked for God’s guidance, He would answer that prayer. I had grown tired of the “dating game” in college and prayed that no one would ask me out that God didn’t want me to go out with. Jim was the very next person to ask me out. Unlike in my previous relationships, I was praying for God’s guidance in dating and finding the person He wanted me to marry. There was no reason to think my relationship with Jim was not God’s leading.

On the other hand, for many years I feared I had missed God’s will in my college major. I wanted to major in English, but felt Home Economics Education would be more practical. By the time I got to my senior year, I knew I did not want to teach in high school. With a later interest in writing, I wished I had chosen that English major. I grieved that I had “wasted” my college education by choosing wrong.

However, I realized God did use my major tremendously in my life, even though the outcome was not the intended one. More than anything, I wanted to establish a Christian home, and what I learned in my major fueled that desire. The Bible classes and Christian influence and teaching all through school fed my soul and grounded me spiritually. The education classes helped with people skills. I realized writing can be a form of teaching. I minored in English, so I did get a few classes in writing. And I’ve had opportunity since to take in writing instruction through books, blogs, webinars, and conferences.

God doesn’t make His will elusive. He wants to lead and guide us.

This is God, our God forever and ever. He will guide us forever (Psalm 48:14).

For you are my rock and my fortress; and for your name’s sake you lead me and guide me (Psalm 31:3).

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore (Psalm 16:11)

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you (Psalm 32:8).

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths (Proverbs 3:5-6).

I’ve often wished that God told us exactly what He wants us to do, as He did for some in Bible times. But I think seeking His will is an exercise in faith that can result in drawing closer to God as we evaluate and pray over aspects of our life that we might not otherwise.

I think finding God’s will is somewhere between the two extremes of not considering it at all and considering it overmuch.

So how do we find God’s will?

Pray. “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him” (James 1:5). “We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you” (2 Chronicles 20:12). “We have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding” (Colossians 1:9).

Be humble and willing for whatever God wants. “He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way” Psalm 25:9).

Read God’s Word regularly. “You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory” (Psalm 73:24). However, the Bible is not like a “Magic 8 Ball.” We don’t open the Bible, let our finger fall on a verse, and take that as God’s answer.

Even in our regular reading, we have to be careful not to take a verse out of context and apply it to ourselves. Let’s say you are considering the mission field. In your daily quiet time, you come to God’s call to Abraham in Genesis 12: “Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you.” That may seem like a direct answer. But what are you going to do when you come across Mark 5:19: “Go home to your friends and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.” God may use these verses to help you be willing to go or stay, but the main point of the verses concerns what God is doing in the lives of those in the passage.

Instead, as we read the Bible day by day, we get to know our God better. As we do, we discern more how He might be leading.

Do what you know to be the will of God now. “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33). Many verses speak of God’s will:

Finally, then, brothers, we ask and urge you in the Lord Jesus, that as you received from us how you ought to walk and to please God, just as you are doing, that you do so more and more. For you know what instructions we gave you through the Lord Jesus. For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor (1 Thessalonians 4:1-4).

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect (Romans 12:1-2).

There’s a lovely song titled “This Is the Will of God” incorporating several verses about God’s will.

Consider your gifts and bent. “Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them” (Romans 12:6a). “As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace” (1 Peter 4:10). As a quiet, bookish person who doesn’t like crowds, I’m not likely to be called to something involving lots of noise and activity and people. An extrovert who loves being with and talking to people likely will not thrive alone in an office eight hours a day.

Sometimes you discover your gifts by trying different things. In my early Christian life, I was often asked to participate in children’s ministries. I did, and I hope it was useful to those involved. But I didn’t really enjoy it and often had to deal with myself about a less-than-enthusiastic attitude. Then one day our Awana secretary at church asked me to be her assistant, helping with ordering and checking in supplies, keeping score during games, adding up points and assembling awards. I loved it.

One caveat here: God may call you to something you don’t feel gifted for, like He did for Moses, Gideon, Jeremiah, and others. In that case, either He has already gifted you, and you don’t realize it yet, or He will when your gifts are needed.

Ask others. “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14). Sometimes another person’s insight can be very helpful. They might have wisdom in the area you’re wondering about, or they might see something in you that you don’t see. It helps to ask more than one person, because one opinion might be a little off.

Take the next step. God usually leads step by step, without giving us the whole roadmap at once. If you think God might be leading you to a particular college, look into it. Ask for materials from them. Perhaps go visit. If you think God may be leading you to a certain vocation, read about it, learn about it, maybe take an internship in it. Those experiences, bathed in prayer, can help you know whether to take the next step.

What do you want to do? “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). This doesn’t mean God will give you every little thing your heart desires. As a good parent, He sometimes has to say no. But as we delight ourselves in Him, He puts the right desires in our heart. Again, sometimes He calls us to do what we don’t want to at first. But often, what we yearn to do is what He is leading us to do.

Serve faithfully where you are. As a young man, Joseph could not have known all that was ahead for him: being sold into slavery by his brothers, being wrongly accused, sent to prison, and then becoming second to Pharaoh in Egypt. But He was faithful to God in every situation. Likewise, as a shepherd boy, David had no idea he would someday be king. Even after he was anointed by Samuel, it was years before he came to the throne. Yet he followed and served God all along the way.God

Consider open and closed doors. “A wide door for effective work has opened to me, and there are many adversaries” (1 Corinthians 16:9). Once I planned to go on a school-sponsored mission trip over Christmas break. But the school officials would not approve my going because I was in debt to the school: they felt I needed to work to take care of my obligations before asking people to give to a mission trip.

A closed door doesn’t necessarily mean that opportunity is not God’s will. It may not be the right time. Or the closed door may be an obstacle rather than a “no”–some Christians have gotten into countries that are closed to missionaries by pursuing other vocations within those countries. Gladys Aylward was not approved by China Inland Mission to be one of their missionaries, but she worked and saved money to go to China on her own. She had a long, fruitful ministry.

Likewise, an open door doesn’t necessarily mean that situation is God’s will. There may be several open doors, and discernment is needed to know which one. But by and large, this is one way God guides.

Trust God for the answer. Once my husband had an opportunity for a new job in another state. He was happy in his work, but he felt he should investigate the other possibility. He interviewed and was offered the job.

But he wasn’t sure what to do. There were no red flags, no extenuating circumstances that would point to one job or the other. He was willing to stay or go.

He went to our pastor for counsel, who shared with him Proverbs 16:11: “The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.” The pastor told Jim that as he had prayed for God’s guidance and was willing to do whatever God wanted, he could trust that when the time came to give a final answer, whatever God laid on his heart at that moment was the right thing to do.

When discussions on God’s will come up, someone will say, “Does God have a will about everything? Even what cereal you eat?” Well–some cereals are certainly better for you than others. There are times in Scripture when circumstances are left up to the individual, like the differences in Romans 14, or the famous disagreement between Barnabas and Paul in Acts 15. Paul once said of Apollos, “Now concerning our brother Apollos, I strongly urged him to visit you with the other brothers, but it was not at all his will to come now. He will come when he has opportunity” (1 Corinthians 16:12). We don’t know what steps Apollos took to come to that decision. Paul shares general thoughts about marriage in 1 Corinthians 7 and distinguishes between God’s instruction and his own advice, but he doesn’t seem to tell any one individual what to do. 1 Corinthians 10 deals with different situations involving meat offered to idols, something common in that day and time. Many of these situations may not have God’s exact will expressed, but they involve wisdom, spiritual maturity, love and concern for others, and a concern for God’s glory over selfish desires.

Multitudes of books have been written on this topic, so there’s much more that could be said and a variety of opinions. But I think we would agree that God promises to lead us and wants us to seek to follow Him closely.

The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps. Proverbs 16:9

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

We Can Trust God On Our Journey

Posted on December 29, 2024 by Barbara Harper

Imagine a child or two or three in the back seat during a family trip:

Mom, did you pack my toothbrush?

Dad, are you sure you know the way?

Will we be able to find somewhere to eat at dinner time?

Will Grandma have room for us?

Weren’t we supposed to turn there?

What if the road is out?

Or a tornado comes?

Or a robber comes to our house while we’re away?

Is the GPS working right?

After a while, a weary parent would be tempted to respond, “Just trust me. I’ve traveled before. I know what to do. Even if we have problems along the way, we’ll take care of them. Just relax and enjoy the trip.”

Yet, earthly parents can fail. I did, in fact, forget one child’s underwear one trip, necessitating a stop at Wal-Mart when we arrived at our destination. Once, my husband took us to the airport the wrong day. Drivers can take wrong turns and get lost.

Sometimes we seem like anxious children with God, our perfect Parent. We wonder if He’s really guiding us the right way, if He can truly meet our needs. We wouldn’t put it quite this way, but we act as if we don’t trust that He knows what He’s doing.

God not only knows the way, He is the way.

“Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me‘” (John 14:6).

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

He will take care of all our needs.

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you (Matthew 6:33).

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19).

He promises to be with us and help us every step of the way, “From life’s first cry to final breath.”*

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10).

Even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save (Isaiah 46:4).

Whatever need we have, God is more than able to meet. We may not like some sections of the path of life. There will be bumps in the road, dark valleys, and occasional detours from the way we thought we should go. But He has good purposes in all He brings us through.

As we face a new year, He bids us cast every anxious care on Him, because He cares for us.

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

*From “In Christ Alone” by Stuart Townend and Keith Getty.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

A Christmas Boomerang

Posted on December 22, 2024 by Barbara Harper

Boomerangs, according to G. K. Chesterton, are “things that return.” He names sleep and a new day as boomerang blessings–something we experience which comes back to us to experience again. No matter how many times we go to sleep and wake up again, we continue to enjoy those recurring cycles.

In Winter Fire: Christmas with G. K. Chesterton, Ryan Whitaker Smith comments that feasts in the Jewish calendar were like boomerangs, recurring reminders of God’s grace in delivering and providing for His people. He quotes Chesterton again:

It is the very essence of a festival that it breaks upon one brilliantly and abruptly, that at one moment the great day is not and the next moment the great day is . . . The thing is done at a particular time so that people may be conscious of a particular truth; as is the case with all ceremonial observances, such as the Silence of Armistice Day or the signal of a salute with the guns or the sudden noise of bells for the New Year. They are all meant to fix the mind upon the fact of the feast or memorial, and suggest that a passing moment has a meaning when it would otherwise be meaningless (pp. 68-69).

Whitaker goes on to say, “As the Israelites’ festivals were a perpetual retelling of the same story, so are our Christian traditions a form of continually re-grounding ourselves in the narrative of redemption. The consistent ‘return of old things in new times,’ Chesterton tells us, . . . . the regularity of our holiday rituals is a way of maintaining godly sanity in an unstable and unpredictable world” (p. 56).

Our modern church and personal calendars may not follow the feasts given Israel in the Old Testament. But regular observances with their symbols and rituals remind us of great truths.

Christmas reminds us:

We need a Savior. “She will bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins” Matthew 1:21).

God loves us enough to rescue us at great cost to Himself. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16).

God’s timing is perfect. “But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons” (Galatians 4:4-5).

And so much more.

May the “boomerang blessing” of Christmas never be stale or empty, but rather a regular reminder that God loved us enough to send His Son to be our Savior, to die for our sins so we could become His.

"She will bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins." Matthew 1:21

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

45 Thoughts on 45 Years of Marriage

Posted on December 15, 2024 by Barbara Harper

Jim and I are celebrating our 45th wedding anniversary in a few days. I’m not an expert at marriage, even at this stage. I don’t say a lot about marriage here for that reason. But I thought I’d share a hodgepodge of lessons learned, advice gleaned, and favorite poems and quotes concerning marriage.

1. I ~~*hate*~~ don’t like the saying “Marriage is designed to make you holy, not happy.” Almost every reference to marriage in the bible presents it as a happy union. Yes, we have to battle our selfishness, and God uses marriage to sanctify us. But happiness and holiness are not mutually exclusive.

2. One of my favorite books about marriage is The Ministry of Marriage by Jim Binney. To be honest, I read it so many years ago, I can’t remember much of the content now. But I like the emphasis in the title.

3. Humor helps. “A man without mirth is like a wagon without springs, in which everyone is caused disagreeably to jolt by every pebble over which it runs” (Henry Ward Beecher). Humor can diffuse tense situations and make life easier.

4. But be careful with humor. Poking fun at each other can hurt, even if the other person laughs. They will likely wonder, “Is that what he really thinks?” Also, if someone is pouring her heart out over something, and the other person makes a joke of it, she’ll feel unheard and not taken seriously. When something crosses from gentle teasing into something hurtful is probably different for each couple.

5. Appreciate the 80%. Elisabeth Elliot once said that a wife may appreciate and agree with 80% of what her husband says and does, yet harp at the 20% she doesn’t like, making them both miserable. I assume the same could be said of the husband regarding his wife. No spouse will be perfect: We need to spend more time appreciating what we have.

6. Marriage is not 50/50. It’s 100/100.

7. Love songs speak of climbing mountains or swimming oceans. Who really does those things for love? It’s easy to say, or sing, because no one expects anyone to actually do them. Real love is shown in the everyday giving oneself for the other.

8. Not the grand gestures. Lisa-Jo Baker shared in The Middle Matters that a teenager quoted in the Huffington Post felt her love life would never be adequate “until someone runs through an airport to stop me from getting on a flight.” The girl probably saw that in a movie somewhere. Her romantic life is going to be difficult if she sets up a test scenario in an airport every time she thinks she’s in love. Everyday thoughtfulness and kindness goes much further than the occasional sweeping romantic (and unlikely) moment.

9. Love languages. There’s something to be said for love languages coined by Gary Chapman. We perceive love differently. If a husband compliments his wife all day long or buys her piles of gifts, and her love language is acts of service, she’s not going to feel loved unless he helps wash the dishes. But I agree with Tim Challies here that love languages are just a way to understand and communicate with each other, not something to demand as a right or use to manipulate.

10. Don’t take each other for granted. This can be easy to do after a number of years together, in the busyness of everyday life. It helps to take time to consciously think of what we appreciate about each other.

11. Maintain good manners. Please, thank you, etc., still go a long way and help #10.

12. Assume the best. A former pastor said 1 Corinthians 137 (“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things”) means we cherish the best expectations of each other. If the other is late, leaves something undone, does something in a way we don’t like, talk about it kindly and graciously. Don’t jump to conclusions.

13. Date nights are nice, but not, as some would say, essential. The important thing is to spend time together one on one, whether that involves going out or being at home.

14. Be aware of introversion and extroversion. My husband and I are pretty similar in this respect, though I am more of a homebody than he is. But when there are differences, we need to understand that introverts are energized by time alone and drained by time with people, and extroverts are just the opposite. We need to be balanced and considerate with each other.

15. Rituals. Every couple develops their own little rituals in everyday life. But, like I said recently regarding traditions, we need to be flexible with them and not binding. One couple we knew decided that all through their married life, they would get up at the same time and go to bed at the same time. I wonder if they both got up for babies’ nighttime feedings. That meant a lot to them, but my husband and I could not have sustained that with his work schedule and leaving way early for travel. If we start something like that and find it doesn’t work after a while, it’s okay to adjust.

16. Don’t expect the other to read your mind. We might wonder how the other could not know our preferences or desires, but they can’t unless we express them.

17. Speak plainly. This could work both ways, but I think women are more prone to hint rather than plainly say what they want, and then get frustrated when he doesn’t get it.

18. Don’t make special days a test. I heard this from Gregg Harris some thirty years ago, and he’s the only person I have known to say it. He cautioned against using anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine’s Day, etc., as tests of a spouse’s love, and then feeling angry or hurt if he/she doesn’t remember them. Instead, remind the other, or ask, “What would you like to do for” the day beforehand, etc.

19. We all need appreciation. A friend shared that her husband had done a lot of yard work, then came to the door to ask her to come out and see what he had done, saying he needed an “Atta boy.” We smiled, but it’s true–we need to know someone appreciates our work and it pleases them.

20. Respect. I cringe when I hear husbands talking down to wives or wives talking to husbands the same way they talk to their children. We shouldn’t demean or ridicule each other.

What about when a husband doesn’t act in a way that invites respect? I like to turn this around: the same passage that mentions respect in marriage mentions love (Ephesians 5:22-33). Do we want our husband only to show love to us when we act deserving of it? No! We want him to understand when we’re not very lovable and love us anyway. So we can do the same for him. We may not respect every action or sentence, but we can respect him as a person and give him grace when he’s not perfect.

21. Remember you marry a sinner. As Elizabeth Elliot said, there is no one else to marry. While on one hand we hold each other to the highest, on the other, we acknowledge that the other is only human.

22. Be careful how you talk to others about your spouse. This is not only a matter of respecting our spouse, but of being a good testimony about marriage to others. We don’t have to pretend the other is perfect and never does wrong. But what is it saying to younger people about marriage and relationships if a husband getting together with the guys or a wife with the girls if it’s a time to complain about the other?

23. It’s okay to have separate interests. I think we actually benefit when we are enriched creatively in other ways and then come together. Plus, we shouldn’t expect the other to be interested in every little thing we are.

24. But it’s good to share some interests as well, or to listen to a conversation on a topic we’re not interested in or go to an event the other likes but we don’t care for sometimes. There are some family outings where I might not really be interested in the activity, but I go for the family togetherness.

25. Adapt to your own spouse. I read of a woman who heard that a good wife is a good housekeeper. When she got around to discussing housecleaning with her husband, she was surprised to find that he didn’t really care about a pristine house. He didn’t want a sloppy home, but he didn’t feel it needed all the extra touches she was giving it. In fact, he’d much rather she spent more time with him than more time cleaning. I’ve benefited much from good books about home, marriage, and family, but we need to check them with the real live person in our home and his preferences.

26. Don’t lie. I don’t know if there is an easier way to destroy trust than to lie to someone. Sometimes we don’t outright lie, but we manipulate details to get ourselves off the hook.

27. Remember a spouse is a brother or sister in Christ. How many times have you heard of a couple fighting in the car on the way to church, and then pasting on smiles when they get there? All those one-another passages in the Bible apply to our family members as well as other people at church.

28. Don’t put a spouse in God’s place. I had a hard time when my husband worked an overnight shift a few years into our marriage and even more when he started traveling for his job. Evidently I am not alone in that, because Coping when a husband is away is one of my most often-viewed posts. God uses husbands in our lives as our protectors, providers, and companions–but for Him to work through, not for us to look to instead of Him.

29. Find your security in Christ, in the fact that He created you and gifted you for His calling. We all need encouragement and reassurance at times, but we shouldn’t be needy in the sense of needing constant affirmation.

30. Manage your expectations.

31. Avoid “always” and “never,” especially in an accusatory way.

32. Attack the problem, not the person during disagreements.

Favorite Quotes about Marriage.

33. C. S. Lewis has a long quote from Mere Christianity, included here, the gist of which is that the intense “feeling” of love in the beginning can’t be expected to last. “Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships?” But “love as distinct from ‘being in love’ is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other.” “It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.”

34: Jane Eyre. “To be together is for us to be at once as free as solitude, as gay as in company. We talk, I believe, all day long: to talk to each other is but a more animated and an audible thinking.”

35. Booth Tarkington. “It is love in old age, no longer blind, that is true love. For love’s highest intensity doesn’t necessarily mean its highest quality. Glamour and jealousy are gone; and the ardent caress…is valueless compared to the reassuring touch of a trembling hand. . . the understanding smile of an old wife to her husband is one of the loveliest things in the world.”

36. Mignon McLaughlin. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.“

Favorite Songs about Love and Marriage. I’m not a big fan of sappy love songs, except around Valentine’s Day. 🙂 That’s probably because many of them are unreal–the whole climbing mountains and swimming oceans thing mentioned earlier. But here are a couple I especially love:

37: The Voyage. Jim made this video for me in 2008. Jason and Mittu were recently engaged but not married yet, and of course Timothy wasn’t here then. The song is “The Voyage,” sung here by John McDermott, then in the Irish Tenors:

38: My Cup Runneth Over with Love. This was popular when I was a kid, and I still love it.

Favorite Poems about Marriage.

39. “To My Dear and Loving Husband“ by Anne Bradstreet.

40. “The Blue Robe“ by Wendell Berry about older married love.

41. Several by Richard Armour.

Other Favorite Writings About Marriage:

42. Recipe for a Happy Marriage, author unknown.

43. “His Dear Wife“ by Claudia Barba

44. Pray for each other. Though we meet each other’s needs as much as we can, with God’s help, only He can strengthen and enable us day by day.

45. 1 Corinthians 13 is, of course, the best description of love.

When I started, I wasn’t sure if I could come up with a list of 45. Now that I’ve got the ball rolling, even more things are coming to mind. I’d sum up most of what I’ve learned about marriage with this: be kind, gracious, forgiving. Build each other up; don’t tear each other down. Appreciate the little things. Put God first, then each other.

Do you have any favorite marriage advice, quotes, or poems?

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Traditions: Blessing or Burden?

Posted on December 8, 2024 by Barbara Harper

Christmas brims with traditions. Some point back to long centuries: lights to represent the light of the world, stars to remind us of the one that led the wise men, gifts exchanged in commemoration of the gifts brought to the Christ child.

Martin Luther is often credited with the first Christmas tree. Charles Dickens (perhaps unwittingly) set in motion our modern-day idea of Christmas with feasting and charity.

But personal traditions that form within families or individual lives are often the dearest.

One of the things I love best about decorating the Christmas tree together as a family is the memories inspired by the ornaments as we bring them out of boxes and hang them.

Once, one of the boys hung a snowflake ornament on the ceiling when I wasn’t looking. It took me a while to notice it, and then I couldn’t reach it to take it down. Now the plastic snowflake ornament shows up in various places almost every year: a curio cabinet, among figurines on the mantle, and all sorts of ceiling spots.

Of course, Christmas isn’t the only time for traditions. On our anniversary, my husband and I place cards for each other under the other’s pillow, and we read them last thing before we go to sleep.

One Valentine’s Day, I made mini meat loaves in the shape of hearts one year, and now it’s a tradition to have “meat hearts” that day.

Each holiday and season has its own rhythms and rites.

Traditions can form around everyday occurrences, too–football game snacks, bedtime rituals, celebrating milestones like graduation, raises, and promotions, etc.

Traditions enhance our celebrations, strengthen our relationships and sense of belonging, give us cheerful practices to anticipate and look back on with fondness. Traditions within a larger culture can help form a cultural identity.

But traditions can sometimes be a problem:

When one person wants everything the same and another wants something new. A few years ago, a friend on Facebook asked what new things people were making for Thanksgiving. I thought “New? For Thanksgiving?” 🙂 We look forward to having the same things each year. But we’ve made some adjustments as needed and are open to other suggestions. Maybe, if there’s conflict, the main dishes could be agreed upon with the side dishes changing each year.

When seasons of loss or sorrow overshadow the holidays. Sometimes it’s a comfort to do the same familiar things even when the person you did them with is no longer there. But for some, those same rituals would be painful. And there might be different tendencies within the same family. There is no one right answer except to be sensitive to each other.

Sometimes a loss can trigger a new tradition. We knew a couple whose daughter was killed by a drunk driver. They helped host a yearly holiday dinner for other families who had suffered through a similar loss. One friend’s widowed grandmother missed the rose her husband used to give her on their anniversary. The family made sure someone brought her a rose every year after that. After my mother passed away, my family in TX met to go together to the cemetery every year with a small Christmas tree or arrangement.

When new additions are added to the family. A friend was talking with her oldest son and new daughter-in-law about the holidays. Things seemed to be up in the air, and with three more young people at home who would be marrying over the next few years, my friend felt she needed to set some boundaries so the yearly celebration wasn’t an upheaval. She simply shared when they had their usual Christmas dinner and went from there.

When children marry (or parents remarry), each couple has another whole side of the family with its traditions to deal with. Hopefully, new blendings of traditions will come into the mix. But each couple will not be able to do all the things both families always do.

When circumstances interfere. For several years, our Thanksgiving tradition was to get together with a family my husband was close to from his home church. One year, we visited friends in one state overnight before traveling on to the other friends’ home for Thanksgiving. Our car broke down in the first friend’s driveway. We had to find someone to tow it away and fix it plus rent a car for the rest of the trip. We ate at Burger King on the way. Our youngest got carsick on winding mountain roads. We finally arrived just as the family we were visiting was having their evening leftovers from the noon meal.

Sometimes you just have to go with the flow and make the best of it. But those holidays that turned out different than expected are sometimes the most memorable ones.

When there are too many traditions to keep up with. We can add things to do each year until we’re over-scheduled, stressed, and frustrated. If traditions are making us tired, irritable, and wanting to be left alone, they’re doing the opposite of what they’re supposed to.

When my kids were little, December was stuffed with school programs, piano recitals, church group get-togethers, and so much more. One year we just didn’t get around to making Christmas cookies. No one seemed to notice, so we skipped that activity for several years.

I love Christmas cards and letters, but I know many who have stopped sending them due to expense and time.

Perhaps a family meeting is needed to discern what activities mean the most to each person, and some traditions can be removed or rotated from year to year.

When a tradition has outlived its usefulness or no longer carries meaning, but we can’t let go of it. I heard of a family who was discussing who was going to make a particular traditional dish for Christmas when they realized that none of them liked that dish. It was started by someone who had passed away years ago.

Sometimes we maintain a tradition for one or a few people as an expression of love to them. But if everyone is doing the same things just because “That’s what we always do,” it’s okay to let some traditions go.

A tradition is not an end in itself. We shouldn’t regard an occasion as ruined if we don’t get to incorporate a particular tradition. We need to be flexible; as life changes, we need to change and adapt with it.

And we need to remember what the tradition is for: to celebrate, to show love, to draw people together, and to make fond memories.

If some traditions are more of a burden than a blessing, we can remember to “pursue what promotes peace and what builds up one another.” (Romans 14:19, CSB).

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Is God Only Your Emergency Contact?

Posted on December 1, 2024 by Barbara Harper

I’ve sometimes heard people say, “If God will only answer this one prayer, I promise I’ll never bother Him again.”

That statement strikes me as sad, because it reveals such a misunderstanding of the nature of God.

God wants us to “bother” Him. He’s delighted to answer the prayers of His children (though He may not answer them in quite the way they had in mind because He knows what is best for them).

God doesn’t want to be only our heavenly 911 operator who will fine us if we call without an emergency. He wants to walk in fellowship with us every moment.

God is also our:

Father. “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” (1 John 3:1). When we believe on the Lord Jesus Christ as our Savior, we become God’s children. Fathers instruct, guide, and discipline their children, but they also love to listen to them.

Savior. “And there is no other god besides me, a righteous God and a Savior; there is none besides me. Turn to me and be saved, all the ends of the earth! For I am God, and there is no other” (Isaiah 45:21b-22). He doesn’t want to just get us out of the occasional bind. He wants to take care of the biggest problem we have–a rebellious sin nature that wants to do our will instead of His–and transform us into His likeness.

Righteousness. “In his days Judah will be saved, and Israel will dwell securely. And this is the name by which he will be called: ‘The LORD is our righteousness” (Jeremiah 23:6). “He shall say, ‘Surely in the LORD I have righteousness and strength'” (Isaiah 45:24, NKJV). We’re not righteous on our own. We need “the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe” (Romans 3:22).

King. “God my King is from of old, working salvation in the midst of the earth” Psalm 74:12). He is the king of all other kings, the ultimate good and just authority.

Shepherd. “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake” (Psalm 23:1-3). He leads, feeds, guides, and protects us.

Strength. “The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him. The Lord is the strength of his people; he is the saving refuge of his anointed” (Psalm 28:7-8). We’re weak and powerless on our own, but He upholds us with His strength.

Refuge. “The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold” (Psalm 18:2). He is firm, dependable, sheltering.

Help. “God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble” (Psalm 46:1). And not only in times of trouble: “Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life” Psalm 54:4).

High Tower. “The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower” (Psalm 18:2, KJV). A high tower has two advantages: it’s hard for enemies to fight against it, and it gives access to the bigger picture.

Song. “The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation” (Psalm 118:14). He doesn’t just call us to bear life; He is our song.

Joy. “Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy, and I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God” (Psalm 43:4). People think the Christian life is flat and joyless. They couldn’t be more wrong! “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16:11).

Peace. “Then Gideon built an altar there to the LORD and called it, The LORD Is Peace” (Judges 6:24). “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6). We find peace only in Him.

God. “O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water” (Psalm 63:1). He is all-powerful, all-knowing, everywhere present at all times, yet He is my God. He doesn’t want to save us and then leave us until we get to heaven. He wants a relationship with us! He intimately knows all our needs and is the only One who can meet them. He cares about every detail of our lives.

Many of these aspects of God in the Old Testament are also found in Jesus in the New Testament, because Jesus “is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power” (Hebrews 1:3).

Probably much more could be said, but this is enough to inspire us not to regard God as a distant entity, but as a loving Father. We don’t have to worry about coming to God too often or with too many needs. He wants us to draw close, to depend on Him for everything. He’s not just there for emergencies. He’s there for every moment.

If you don’t know Him in this personal way, as your God, I invite you to read more here: How to Know God.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

A Surprising Reason to Be Thankful

Posted on November 24, 2024 by Barbara Harper

From our earliest years, we’re taught the good manners to thank someone when they give us something or do something for us. Thanking them shows we recognize and appreciate the kindness, consideration, time, trouble, and expense they’ve gone to.

How much more should we thank God for so many undeserved blessings? Thanksgiving praises Him and acknowledges that “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change” (James 1:7).

But recently I came across a surprising reason to be thankful.

Ezekiel 16 is an extended metaphor comparing God’s care of Jerusalem to the care of a man who found an abandoned baby girl, cared for her, fed her, and clothed her royally. When the baby grew up into a beautiful woman, the man loved her and wanted her to be his. In verse 14, God said, “And your renown went forth among the nations because of your beauty, for it was perfect through the splendor that I had bestowed on you.”

But instead of being thankful, Jerusalem “trusted in your beauty” and then became promiscuous with just about anyone she could find, taking God’s gifts and making idols, even sacrificing her children.

This passage reminds me of King Uzziah, who “was marvelously helped, till he was strong. But when he was strong, he grew proud, to his destruction. For he was unfaithful to the Lord his God” (2 Chronicles 26:15-16).

It’s a sad facet of our human nature that we can take God’s good gifts and use them for our own glory or gain.

We become prideful, forgetting anything good in us comes from Him. And then we turn from Him to false idols like the people in Romans 1:

For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things. Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity (Romans 1:22-24).

When we thank God for what we have, we remind ourselves that everything is a gift from Him. In 1 Corinthians 4:7, Paul reminds us, “What do you have that you did not receive? If then you received it, why do you boast as if you did not receive it?”

It’s not that God wants to lord it over us or browbeat us with the reminder that we should be thankful to Him. But He knows our hearts are “prone to wander,” as the old song says.

So thanking God not only gives Him proper praise, but it keeps our own souls healthy. We remind ourselves that everything we have comes from Him and is to be used for Him. We respond with humility, appreciation, and loving service.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Enjoy the 80 Percent

Posted on November 17, 2024 by Barbara Harper

Many of you know that writer Elisabeth Elliot has been my “mentor from afar” for over forty years.

One of my favorites quotes comes from her book Love Has a Price Tag:

My second husband once said that a wife, if she is very generous, may allow that her husband lives up to eighty percent of her expectations. There is always the other twenty percent that she would like to change, and she may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it very much. She may, on the other hand, simply decide to enjoy the eighty percent, and both of them will be happy

That’s so true, isn’t it? We tend to fixate on the small things that bug us rather than the great majority of things we love.

I was thinking recently that this principle applies to more than marriage.

Take friendship, for instance. My best friend in high school had a lot of good qualities, but she was slow-moving, especially when we were to go somewhere together. Any attempts to hurry her led to even more slowness. Constant harping on this one issue would only have driven a wedge between us.

Or neighbors. A good neighbor is a treasure. A bad neighbor is a pain. We don’t want to offend the person who is going to live right next door to us for years, maybe decades. So we pick our battles. We can live with some irritants to keep peace.

We might love our work, but it’s not all sunshine. Even with the best job, there are always a couple of unpleasant aspects.

And what about churches? None is perfect. You’ve probably heard the old cliche: “If you find a perfect church, don’t join it, because then it won’t be perfect any more.” No one church will be and do everything we might like.

When I hear of people leaving church because of some disappointment, I often think of the Corinthians, the epitome of dysfunctional churches. If we had visited such a church in our searches, we would not have gone to this one twice.

Yet every time I read 1 and 2 Corinthians, I am amazed at how patient the apostle Paul is in dealing with them. They had much more than 20 percent that needed to be dealt with, but he never gave up on them.

Enjoying the 80 percent of any relationship doesn’t mean we can never address the aspects we don’t enjoy. But sometimes, as the KJV puts it, we need to forbear with one another. Other translations say bear with, make allowance for, tolerate, or even put up with each other.

And the Bible goes beyond just bearing with each other. Ephesians 4:1-3 says: “I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”

Humility, gentleness, patience, love, unity, and peace: these are all more important than whatever irritates us about each other.

A couple of other thoughts that help me with this: there’s probably more than 20 percent about me that others have to “put up with,” yet they graciously do. My husband and friends don’t constantly find fault and criticize or insist I do things their way. I can extend that grace to them.

Also, even though God is in the business of correcting and sanctifying us, He does it with patience and grace. He doesn’t pile up everything we need to deal with all at once. We’d be crushed under the load.

One caveat to this 80 percent principle: it depends on what’s in the 20 percent. If a wife likes everything about her husband except the fact that he beats her, that behavior is not something that should be overlooked or ignored. If one friend learned that the other was embezzling his company, or cheating on his wife, he would be wise to step in. If we love the music, fellowship, people, and preaching of a church, yet the leadership denies that Jesus is God, or tells us we get to heaven by doing good works, then we need to find another church.

But in most cases, the 20 percent we don’t like is comprised of smaller issues. Can we not overlook them, for God’s glory and for the love and fellowship of His people?

Ephesians 4:2-3: bear with one another in love

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Achy Joints

Posted on November 10, 2024 by Barbara Harper

Can you imagine a body without joints? It wouldn’t even be able to move.

We don’t usually appreciate the joints in our body until they start to give us problems.

I’m at the age where various joints take turns stiffening, aching, tingling, creaking, or even going out on me. If they all ganged up on me at once, I’d be in real trouble.

What happens when a joint doesn’t work right? An achy joint limits mobility. If the joint is stiff or painful enough, it could stop movement altogether. The Bible likens an unreliable person to an unreliable joint: “Confidence in an unfaithful man in time of trouble is like a broken tooth, and a foot out of joint,” (Proverbs 25:19, KJV).

There are multiple passages comparing Christians to a body, with Christ as its head. And that body is held together and moves by way of its joints.

After telling about the gifts God has given to the church in teachers, shepherds, and evangelists to help the church mature and equip the saints for the work of the ministry, Paul says:

Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love (Ephesians 4:15-16).

Colossians has similar imagery:

Holding fast to the Head, from whom the whole body, nourished and knit together through its joints and ligaments, grows with a growth that is from God (2:19).

In looking up the anatomy of joints, I was surprised to find just how complex they are. But one significant part of a joint is the synovium, which secretes synovial fluid, which in turn provides lubrication and nourishment for the joint, according to this article.

Interestingly, that article also says, the synovium “not only has its own specific functions but also interacts with other tissues in the joint both structurally and functionally.” That’s just like the body of Christ, too, isn’t it? 1 Corinthians 12 says we each have our own gifts and areas of usefulness, but we also interact as different parts of the same body.

What’s the synovial fluid among God’s people?

Ephesians 4:15 says we should be “speaking the truth in love.”

Jesus said, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 15:34-35).

Peter said, “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).

Paul wrote, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

Wouldn’t our interactions as a body go so much more smoothly if we expressed that kind of love?

The synovial fluid also nourishes joints. Colossians says we’re “nourished and knit together through its joints and ligaments.“

How do we nourish each other? What’s our spiritual food? Job said God’s Word was more than his necessary food, and the author of Hebrews speaks of God’s Word as milk and meat.

As we take in God’s Word and grow in Him, we share it with each other, so that we help others grow as well.

Adrian Rogers* calls this activity within the body “flexible harmony.” “When each part is working properly, [it] makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love” (Ephesians 4:16).

May we avoid spiritual achy joints by loving and nourishing each other in Christ.

*(This post was inspired by a couple of paragraphs near the end of Adrian Roger’s message, Faithful in Ministry, heard on BBN Radio 10/25/24. The link contains a summary, along with tabs to listen or download the transcript.)

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Praying for the Election

Posted on November 4, 2024 by Barbara Harper

As Americans go to the polls this week, there is a lot at stake. These are some of the things I am praying for concerning the 2024 election. I invite you to join me.

That Christians would vote. I’ve seen a meme saying that if Christians don’t participate in politics, the only voices left will be godless ones. Our trust and hope is not in politics, but since God has given us the privilege of having a voice in this country, we need to steward it well.

That the candidates He wants in office will be elected.

That no fraud or anything underhanded or shady will occur.

That no violence will occur on election day or afterward.

That the results would be clear and unmistakable so there would be no contention over who has won.

That Christians would pray for and thank God for whoever is elected, even the ones we didn’t vote for.

First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth (1 Timothy 2:1-4).

That God would meet our country’s spiritual needs. Our country has come a long way from where it used to be even in my lifetime, and even more from where it was 200 years ago. Some things are better; many are worse. For all the talk about inclusivity and tolerance, our country is as vitriolic and divided as I have ever seen it. Personally, I am praying for another Great Awakening like they had in the 1700s.

Updated to add: Keep praying even after the election, that God would guide our leaders, help them rule justly, work through them to accomplish His will, give them wise counselors, and help them come to know Him if they don’t already.

Can you think of ways to pray for the election that I have not mentioned here?

(Please, no rants for or against particular candidates in the comments.)