Category Archives: Parenting

Mother’s Day Funnies

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WHAT MOMS REALLY WANT FOR MOTHER’S DAY

* To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any “floaties” (ie, backwash).
* Five pounds of chocolate that won’t add twenty pounds to her figure.
* A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a “Hi Ya Mom!” just as she puts a razor to her ankle.
* For her teenager to announce, “Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!”
* A grocery store that doesn’t have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.
* To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.
*To occasionally get to sleep late on the weekend.
*To take a hot bath without her toddler suddenly screaming, “Mommy, I have to go potty!” as soon as she hits the water.

Laws of Parenting:

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.
4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
5. If the shoe fits… it’s expensive.
6. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
7. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
8. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

MURPHY’S LAWS FOR PARENTS

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

(Authors Unknown)

The Mother at Home

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When my older children were little, a book making the rounds among young mothers at church was The Mother at Home by John S. C. Abbott. It was originally published in 1833. Some of the principles discussed in that book were foundational to my parenting.

For instance, he instructs mothers (and this would go for teachers as well) to punish for disobedience, not the results of disobedience. He writes:

Never give a command which you do not intend shall be obeyed. There is no more effectual way of teaching a child disobedience, than by giving commands which you have no intention of enforcing. A child is thus habituated to disregard its mother; and in a short time the habit become so strong, and the child’s contempt for the mother so confirmed, that entreaties and threats are alike unheeded.

“Mary, let that book alone,” says a mother to her little daughter, who is trying to pull the Bible from the table . Mary stops for a moment, then takes hold of the book again. Pretty soon the mother looks up and sees that Mary is still playing with the Bible. “Did you not hear me tell you to let that book alone?” she exclaims. “Why don’t you obey?”

Mary takes away her hand for a moment, but is soon again at her forbidden amusement. By and by, down comes the Bible upon the floor. Up jumps the mother, and hastily giving the child a passionate blow, exclaims, “There then, obey me next time.” The child screams, and the mother picks up the Bible, saying, “I wonder why my children do not obey me better.”

…Is it strange that a child, thus managed, should be disobedient? No. She is actually led on by her mother to insubordination; she is actually taught to pay no heed to her directions. Even the improper punishment which sometimes follows transgression, is not inflicted on account of her disobedience, but for the accidental consequences…. Had the Bible not fallen, the disobedience of the child would have passed unpunished. Let it be an immutable principle in family government, that your word is law.

He describes a better way to handle the situation, then comments, “I know that some mothers say that they have not time to pay so much attention to their children. But the fact is, that not one-third of the time is required to take care of an orderly family, which is necessary to take care of a disorderly one.”

There are many other good principles here, among them: “Never punish when a child has not intentionally done wrong.” “Allowances must be made for ignorance.” “Guard against too much severity.” “Every effort should be made to make the home the most desirable place.” You might not agree with every point (I disagree with his suggestion to have the child ask forgiveness a second time), but overall it is a very helpful and thought-provoking book. I wish I had read it about once a year.

The Back Burner

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One of the few articles I’ve had published is the following. It appeared in Frontline magazine’s July-August 2005 issue. It’s been on my heart again because I think it is something that mothers wrestle with a lot. I wrote to Frontline asking permission to reprint the article here, which they granted.

The Back Burner

Every mother, particularly one who has very small children, can get discouraged sometimes. Even though a woman has looked forward to being a mother all her life and delights in her child, there are those days when she feels she is accomplishing nothing beyond wiping noses and changing diapers, when she feels her mind is turning to mush after reading Dr. Seuss and Curious George all day, when she longs to do something “important.” Certain intellectual and creative pursuits have to be put on the back burner because there are only so many hours in the day. Even some ministry opportunities have to wait until the children are a bit older. It is easy to lament what we can’t do.

Of course, young mothers are not the only ones who have to put things on the back burner. Newlyweds, new teachers, young singles getting started in a career, middle-aged children taking care of an elderly parent, and any number of other life situations will cause us to have to focus on the business at hand and delay other pursuits. But motherhood is the area through which the Lord taught me about the back burner.

Some 15-20 years ago I read something in a secular women’s magazine that greatly encouraged me and has stayed with me ever since. Unfortunately, I can’t remember even what magazine it was, much less what author. The writer was talking those things that have to be put on the back burner. But, she wrote, what is usually on the back burner when we are cooking? Isn’t it something that has to simmer awhile, that is all the richer in flavor for the time it spent there on the back burner? The meat gets tender, the flavors blend, the smell wafts though the house, and we can hardly wait until dinnertime.

Oh, dear mother….what you are doing is vitally important. Your little one may not remember the specific things you did together or all your loving care in their early childhood, but those loving ministrations laid the foundation for your future relationship. The time you spend together reading, playing, rocking, feeding, nurturing a new little life that God has given to you to care for is precious.

As the children get older, their need of your care is still vital, though it is different from when they were small. Instead of feeling isolated at home, you may feel you are nearly living out of your car with all the places you have to take your children to. We have to keep a balance between giving them opportunities and spreading everyone too thin, but some of those times in the car can be precious as well. One of my sons does not open up to me if I sit across the table from him and ask him how things are going in his life, but a casual conversation or observation made while we are out and about can give me glimpses into his heart. Sometimes children feel a little freer to open up while we’re driving.

Someone once said, “With children, the days are long, but the years are short.” That is all too true. You have heard it before, but they do grow up so fast. You always have a ministry with them and an influence on them, but your main years of training them are when they are little. Redeem the time and enjoy it to the hilt.

Don’t worry about those things on the back burner. Give them a stir every now and then. Perhaps you can skim over the newspaper headlines or watch some of the evening news with your husband, or spend 15 minutes or so a day reading a good book to stimulate your mind. Buy a craft kit, take a class, jot down story ideas, or somehow “stir the pot” of whatever your areas of interest are. Take advantage of opportunities to get together with other ladies for fellowship. Explore what ministry opportunities you can within the constraints of your situation, but remember that ministry doesn’t only take place within the four walls of the church: getting to know your neighbor, inviting another mother from the baseball league to church, baby-sitting for another mother for a doctor’s appointment, giving a tract to the repairman are all outlets through which the Lord can use you as well as being an example to your children.

Then, as you stir those things on the back burner from time to time, perhaps you can take a small taste to test the readiness of it. After all, if you start to write the next great novel, and find the timing still isn’t right, you can let it simmer a little longer.

Don’t get discouraged if other women seem to have all their burners going at once, accomplishing things right and left. I used to lament that I couldn’t do as much as some other ladies til I finally had to come to grips with the fact that God made us with different capacities, abilities, and personalities.

Ultimately we have to entrust those back burner issues to our loving Lord and ask His guidance as to when and how to proceed with them. There may be some things He wants us to relinquish completely, and here our back burner analogy breaks down: there are some things He never intended for us to pursue, and we have to set aside what was a personal desire that was not His will. We have to remind ourselves that, no matter how strong and even good a desire was, if it is not God’s will, it would not have been good for us and may actually have been harmful and taken away from what He did have for us to do. On the other hand, we can’t let the back burner become a place of excuses and due to laziness or fear place things there that the Lord does want us to pursue now. How can we know the difference? By walking with him day by day, seeking His guidance, asking Him to open doors He wants open and close doors He wants closed. When it is His timing to finally serve one of those “back burner” dishes, it will indeed be “just right.”

One of those sweet moments

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In the busy-ness of parenthood, some moments are filled with clarity and insight. Antique Mommy beautifully captures such a moment in this post.

You might want to grab the tissues before you go over. 🙂

Show and Tell Friday: Felt Books

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show-and-tell.jpg Kelli at There’s No Place Like Home hosts “Show and Tell Friday” asking “Do you have a something special to share with us? It could be a trinket from grade school, a piece of jewelry, an antique find. Your show and tell can be old or new. Use your imagination and dig through those old boxes in your closet if you have to! Feel free to share pictures and if there’s a story behind your special something, that’s even better! If you would like to join in, all you have to do is post your “Show and Tell” on your blog, copy the post link, come over here and add it to Mr. Linky. Guidelines are here.“

When my older sons were small, I discovered these small felt books from Betty Lukens. Some of you may be familiar with their beautiful flannel Bible story sets. We used them to look at at home or to take with us in situations where the kids needed to sit still and quietly (church, doctor’s offices).

Felt books from Betty Lukens

The one in the bottom left hand corner was our first one. You can tell it is a little more worn than the rest. The other three were purchased years later when my youngest came along. It didn’t occur to me til the fourth book to make a protective cover like the one on the bottom left corner.

These came in kit form. All the flannel pieces were on a length of fabric that had to be cut out. There was a little cutting and gluing to be done, then the pages were put in order and tied with yarn. Little pockets were glued on backs of pages to keep the pieces in.

Pocket to hold pieces

Two of the books are Bible stories, one is a farm book, and the last has various means of transportation.

This one of the story of baby Moses shows the little basket with the baby, a flap where the bush is that was hiding him, Pharaoh’s daughter discovering him, and his sister Miriam watching from behind another bush. For her hiding place cuts were made along the branches of the bush and a pocket was glued to the back so she could be tucked into the bushes without falling through to the other side.

Finding baby Moses

This one shows Moses leading the children of Israel through the Red Sea. Flaps pull back to show the parting of the waters.

Moses and the Red Sea

Jesus’ disciples fishing with a net:

Fishing

Grandpa’s barn:

Barn

Hot air balloons:

Hot air balloons

My children enjoyed these a lot when they were younger. Now they are in a box in the closet awaiting grandchildren.

Someone asked if they were still being sold. Yes, Betty Luken’s  site has all but the transportation one plus several more than what they had when I was buying mine here. I originally got mine at a home school conference fair — I hadn’t attended the conference and wasn’t home schooling yet, but they opened up the sales booths to the public.

Works-For-Me Wednesday: Sometimes it’s best to leave children alone

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wfmwheader_4.jpgI want to be cautious with the thoughts I wanted to share today, because they could so easily be misunderstood.

The Bible teaches it is the parents’ responsibility to train their children. Deuteronomy 6 speaks of teaching the word and ways of the Lord; many verses in Proverbs give instructions about discipline; Ephesians 6:4 tells parents to bring children up “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord,” and there are other passages as well. Usually, especially in this day and time, if parents make errors in discipline it’s along the lines of not disciplining or training enough, at least in my own experience of 23 years as a parent and what I have seen in others, especially in the trends over the last 30 years. (I do want to write a post about that some day. I know I’ve said that before — I even started to one day but realizedI needed to wait until I had time to deal with it as carefully and thoughtfully as possible.)

But sometimes conscientious parents (and teachers) err on the other side of the scale, that of disciplining too much, of nagging a child constantly, of seeing every little thing as A Really Big Deal and a Major Character Issue. The same verse in Ephesians that tells us to bring children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord tells us not to provoke them to wrath. That doesn’t mean that our training will never make a child angry — most anyone will deal with some anger when not getting his or her way. But sometimes our parenting style in itself can result in an angry child rather than a godly, obedient one, or lead to discouragement, rigidity, an over-nervousness, or even outright rebellion in children.

This concept of over-disciplining first dawned on me when I read an excellent book several years ago titled Hints On Child Training by Henry Clay Trumbull, who wrote it 1890 when he was 66 years old. Mr. Trumbull is known as a pioneer of the Sunday School movement and is an ancestor (great-grandfather, I believe) of Elisabeth Elliot. Here are just a few excerpts from the chapter “Letting Alone as a Means of Child Training.”

Not doing is always as important, in its time and place, as doing; and this truth is as applicable in the realm of child training as elsewhere. Child training is a necessity, but there is danger of overdoing in the line of child training. The neglect of child training is a great evil. Overdoing in the training of a child may be a greater evil. Both evils ought to be avoided…

Peculiarly is it the case that young parents who are exceptionally conscientious, and exceptionally desirous of being wise and faithful in the discharge of their parental duties, are liable to err in the direction of overdoing in the training of their children. It is not that they are lacking in love and tenderness toward their little ones, or that they are naturally inclined to severity as disciplinarian; but it is that their mistaken view of the methods and limitations of wise child training impels them to an injudicious course of watchful strictness with their children, even while that course runs counter to their affections and desires as parents….

There are many parents who seem to suppose that their chief work in the training of a child is to be incessantly commanding and prohibiting; telling the child to do this or to do that, and not to do this, that, or the other. But this nagging a child is not training a child; on the contrary, it is destructive of all training on the part of him who is addicted to it. It is not the driver who is training a horse, but one who is neither trained nor can train, who is all the time “yanking” at the reins, or “thrapping” them up or down. Neither parent or driver, in such a case, can do as much in the direction of training by doing incessantly, as by letting alone judiciously. “Don’t always be don’t-ing” is a bit of counsel to parents that can hardly be emphasized to strongly. Don’t always be directing, is a companion precept to this…

Of course, there must be explicit commanding and explicit prohibiting in the process of child training; but there must also be a large measure of wise letting alone. When to prohibit and when to command, in this process, are questions that demand wisdom, thought, and character; and more wisdom, more thought, and more character, are needful in deciding the question when to let the child alone. The training of a child must go on incessantly; but a large share of the time it will best go on by the operation of influences, inspirations, and inducements, in the direction of a right standard held persistently before the child, without anything being said on the subject to the child at every step in his course of progress.

Thank God we can ask Him for wisdom: we surely need it!

This post is already too long, but a couple more thoughts I wanted to share are these: one of those times when it’s possible to overdo discipline is when we mistake a child’s immaturity and childishness for a discipline problem. Also, though we know our children are sinners and need correcting and training, a watching-like-a-hawk expectancy, just waiting for them to take a wrong step, can be very discouraging to them. Once when I was in college, one of the rules was that girls could not walk alone on certain areas of campus after dark, for safety reasons. I was coming from the bookstore or snack shop one night, looking for someone to walk to another area of campus with, when I spied my dormitory supervisor heading the way I needed to go. As I came down the steps to ask her if I could walk with her, she said, “You’d better not be about to walk away from here alone.” I can’t tell you how deflating and discouraging that was, to be trying to do the right thing and to feel smacked down, as it were, by someone’s expectation (with no good reason) that I was going to do the wrong thing. Yet we can take that same attitude with our children sometimes. We need wisdom and grace and the attitude of coming alongside them to encourage them to do right rather than standing over them with a stick just waiting for them to step out of line so we can correct them. I think if we meditate on how our heavenly Father handles us, that will go a long way in balancing discipline and grace in our parenting (or teaching or employing).

By the way, the book I mentioned is an excellent resource. Looking through it today made me want to read it all over again. A few other chapters are “Denying a Child Wisely,” “Training a Child to Self-Control,” “Training a Child Not to Tease,” “Training a Child’s Faith,” “Scolding Is Never in Order,” “Dealing Tenderly With a Child’s Fears.” Two of my other favorite books on parenting are James Dobson’s Dare to Discipline and Elisabeth Elliot’s The Shaping of a Christian Family.

For more Works For Me Wednesday tips, see Rocks In My Dryer.

She regrets having children

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A link from Amy’s Humble Musings yesterday took me to an article about a French woman, Corinne Maier, who wrote a book about why she regretted having children. One of her reasons is that children disappoint you.

Well. Duh.

Everyone will disappoint you if you hang around them long enough. And probably each of us has been a disappointment to someone else at some points along the way. We all have feet of clay, we all have faults, we’re all basically self-centered. In Bible terms, we’re all sinners. Children don’t come out of the womb with self-control and wisdom about how to act. Besides needing redemption, they need to be taught and trained. Left to themselves and their own instincts, they will cause shame.

This — the book, at least, and possibly the sentiment — seems to have been triggered by an outing in which the adults took the kids to a restaurant that the kids wanted to go to but the adults weren’t crazy about. Then the adults saw a museum they wanted to stop in, and the kids they didn’t want to be there and acted out.

Yes, that’s a normal selfish childish reaction. It’s also a teachable moment. It is through such times that children can be taught that the world does not revolve around them and that they can reign themselves in for a little while. If this kind of teaching is going all on through life, it won’t lead to a spectacular showdown as it would if you tried to teach them this all of a sudden after giving in to them all their lives.

Oddly, amongst the 40 reasons she lists for not having children is “To persist in saying ‘me first’ is a badge of courage.” She feels that a woman putting herself first (and therefore not having to deal with the “drudgery,” another of the 40 reasons) is courageous. But that same selfish “me first” attitude in her children is disappointing. There seems to be a bit of disconnection there. It’s ok, even noble for adult women to be selfish, but it is disappointing in children? The very quality she craves for herself she loathes in others.

“For the record, she has given copies of her book to both her children. Neither has picked it up, or paid it any attention.” That’s probably a good thing. I can’t imagine what it would do to their psyches. Ironically, the mother and her partner are psychiatrists.

Though she seemingly grudgingly admits, “you can have a meaningful existence having children,” her books strongly discourages other women from having them. “It is, she says, a means of shattering a national delusion, one that is damaging the lives of women, preventing them from progressing in their careers, keeping them from being creative and intelligent.”

Well, I happen to know many mothers who are both creative and intelligent, who take the time and care to raise and nurture and train little ones into responsible caring adults. Though it is often difficult and always challenging, it is a high and rewarding calling. Some would even say it is a joy.

What women want…in a Christian man

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Several years ago as it began to dawn on me that my oldest two sons weren’t too far from leaving the nest, I wondered if I had taught them everything they needed to know. Different topics came to mind that I wanted to be sure they had a handle on by the time they were out on their own. We talked about different aspects of some of these things “in person,” but because our schedules weren’t always conducive to lengthy conversations and because I think better and express myself better in writing, I decided to write them occasionally, a la King Lemuel’s mother.

And just recently I thought it might be good to post a couple of those here.

This particular note is from February 2005. I have adapted it a little bit from the original.

Hi guys!

It has been a while since I have written one of these. But lately I have been thinking of writing to you something of what kinds of things most Christian woman want to see in men. I know that neither of you is on the verge of getting engaged in the very near future, but you are in the process of becoming the kind of husband and father you will be someday, so it is a good thing to be thinking about preparing yourself for that time.

And of course, I can’t speak for all women. 🙂 But there are some generalities that I think are pretty true of most conscientious Christian women.

1. A man who is a Christian, actively growing in the Lord and serving Him. It gives a woman a lot of confidence if she knows the man in her life is right with the Lord and seeking to know His will and follow Him. She can trust his leadership.

2. Leadership without tyranny. There was an excellent article in a magazine that Jason got about the parallels of leadership of a church and a family. Pastors are told in Scripture not to “lord it over” their flocks but to lead by example (I Peter 5:2-4), and that is true of husbands and fathers as well. While the man is the leader of the home (I Corinthians 11;3; Ephesians 5:23) and responsible before God for his family, there shouldn’t be any ruling with an iron fist. While she knows the final decision rests with you, she doesn’t want to feel that she doesn’t have a voice and her opinions don’t matter. One reason God gave woman to man was to “complete” him, to come alongside and minister to him and encourage him. That can’t happen if he doesn’t listen to her.

If that doesn’t quite make sense, think of it from your own standpoint. You have been under authority all your lives (and will continue to be under some kind of authority all your lives). You know your dad, your pastor, your teachers, even your bosses are “in charge” to various degrees, but I think you have experienced various kinds of leadership styles now to know how it feels when someone is over-authoritarian. On the other hand, you don’t want a leader who is kind of wimpy and ineffective, like a teacher that everyone runs over.

This includes spiritual leadership. She doesn’t want to be the one to always suggest, or wish, that you prayed together or read the Bible together.

3. A man worthy of reverence. Ephesians tells a woman to “reverence” her husband. One time when I studied it out, it seemed to mean a deep respect, even just short of worship.

When ungodly leaders have been in office, sometimes we have to remind ourselves as Christians that we are supposed to honor those in authority over us and respect their positions even if we can’t respect them personally. You don’t want to put those under your leadership in a position of having to think that way with you, to have to make themselves respect you because they are “supposed” to — you want to have the kind of character that calls forth that kind of respect. That doesn’t mean perfection — none of us is perfect — but it means by and large as a general rule to live and act in a way that others can respect you.

4. Protection. A woman wants to feel cared for and protected by her husband — protected from harm and from evil.

5. Provision. God has ordained that the man be the provider for the home and the woman cares for the home and family. That doesn’t mean a woman can never work outside the home (that might be another topic for another day). I hope that you’ll place a priority on having your wife be able to stay at home, especially when she has children. I worked before you guys were born, but I am so grateful that He provided so that I could be a stay-at-home mom. I think because my mom worked so much I especially wanted to be at home with you. I wanted to be the one to teach you and influence you and see you grow up — I didn’t want to give that over to someone else. I just wanted to be with you as you grew up. And besides that, I came to find out I just didn’t have the capacity to keep up with everything at home and still do much else outside the home. I know some women who apparently can, but I couldn’t.) There are times when it is helpful to have her income, like when you first get married and are setting up housekeeping, and there may be times when despite a man’s best efforts he can’t find work. But the overall attitude should be that as God enables you, you’ll be the provider.

6. Understanding. 1Peter 3:7 says, ” Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” I think that knowledge can include knowledge of women in general and how they think and react differently from men, but also knowledge of her in particular.

7. Love. There is a book I’ve never read but heard a lot about called The Five Love Languages. Basically it is the idea that different people perceive love different ways. For some, saying thoughtful loving things to them makes them feel especially loved; for others, physical touch — a quick hug, a pat on the arm, etc. makes them feel special and loved. I think the 5 are: words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service (doing things for them), giving, and time. Of course, all of us love to be loved in all of those ways, but the premise of the book is that everyone primarily perceives love in one of those ways more than others, and we should try to find out what makes our loved ones most feel loved and try to express love to them in that way. Whether you agree with all the book says or not, I think the premise is true. It shouldn’t be, as the old saying goes, “I told her I loved her when we got married, and I’ll let her know if that ever changes.” You need to actively show her you love her. Nor should it be as the illustration a former pastor used to tell of a man who for years every Sunday night after church made himself and his wife a snack of cinnamon toast, giving her the heel. After a number of years she burst into tears, saying it made her feel so unloved that he gave her the worst slice if bread, He said, “But, honey, the heel is my favorite part.” He thought he was giving up the best for her; she thought he was giving her the worst. The key there is communication.

There are probably more things, but these are what come to mind just now. 🙂

Love ya!
Mom

Children, chores, and change

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Chilihead at Don’t Try This At Home is hosting a carnival today about children and chores and allowances (the “change” in my title — had to alliterate 🙂 ). Some of the questions she proposed were “how you handle chores and allowance at your house, how old your kids are, how you assign chores (are they re-assigned each week or month or at all?), how you determine allowance or why you don’t give allowance, other ways your kids earn their own spending money, all your other thoughts on the matter.” She setting up a “Mr. Linky” here so that folks who want to participate in this carnival can link to their posts and readers can find many perspectives.

My children are 23, 20, and almost 14. They all still live at home, though the oldest will likely leave the nest before long and my middle one spends most of his waking hours at college. I don’t remember when we first started paying allowances. I know it was when the older two were old enough to both have assigned chores. They may have been 10 and 7 or so. Of course, I had been calling on them to do various things around the house before that time, but it was more on an as-needed basis.

I never wanted to connect chores to allowances directly because I didn’t want them to become mercenary and want some payment every time they were asked to do something, but we did start the specifically assigned chores and allowances at the same. I wanted the idea to be that they contributed to the work because they were part of the family, and they also received monetary benefits because they were part of the family. My primary reason for wanting to give allowances was to give them experience managing money. I had one who would spend his pretty quickly, then would see something at the store he wanted and ask if we would buy it for him and he’d pay us back with his next allowance. We did that a few times but then realized we were fostering a credit card, buy now, pay later habit, so we nipped that in the bud. It was nice when the “Can I haves” hit at the store to tell them they could have it if they wanted to spend their allowances on it. It’s amazing how that made them rethink a purchase. 🙂

I don’t remember how we came up with this, but the allowance we gave them was a dollar for every year of their age every other week. That’s how often Dad got paid, so that’s when they got paid, too.

I have seen some really cute chore charts, but my kids weren’t really into that kind of thing (they probably would have been at an earlier age). What eventually evolved for us was this procedure: I would make a list of things needing to be done, usually vacuuming, dusting, and emptying garbage cans every week, with some extras added at other times. I would make the list so that there was an even number of “jobs” per boy and take turns each week letting each one have first choice at to what job to do. They weren’t allowed to sign up for all the “easier” ones and leave the harder ones to the others. They considered vacuuming to be pretty easy, so they’d usually have one vacuuming job and one other job. I’d put the list on the counter or refrigerator and then they’d cross off their jobs when they were done.

Daily jobs include emptying the disahwasher and the kitchen trash can and taking the recyclables out to the bin (the last was my youngest’s domain until the last couple of years). I would usually assign those by rotation. Then there is always general pick-up. When met with, “That isn’t my mess!” we’d remind them that we had picked up after them many times and it wouldn’t hurt them to help pick up after someone else’s things. You have to be careful here — you don’t want one particularly messy child to “get away with” leaving messes and then having the others continually bail them out, but occasionally everyone just has to pitch in and get the job done. And sometimes there would be arguments over who had what job last time, as if the world would end if one had to unload the dishwasher twice in a row! I would try to listen and be fair — I acknowledge that I’m fallible and might forget what I assigned to whom last time — but sometimes I’d just have to say, “It’s not a contest. By the end of your lives you will have done each job about the same number of times. If sometimes you happen to have to do one job twice in a row, it will even out in the end.” Though they never grew to love chores, the arguing did cease eventually as all of this became routine and habit.

There is an age gap between my two older boys and my youngest, and the older ones sometimes complained they were being overworked compared to the youngest. I would remind them that they were older and more mature and capable, but the only thing that really helped was when I told them they would be leaving home before he did and then he’d have all the chores.

When you first assign chores it’s best to have the child do them with you so that you can show them exactly what you expect. It’s also best to give specific instructions. Just “vacuum the living room” will usually result in a few swipes in the middle of the room unless you show and tell them to go under the end tables, move the piano bench, etc. Then you can progress to their doing it with your observation, then to their doing it on their own. I mentioned in an earlier post that children do what is inspected rather than what is expected. I don’t remember where I first heard that, but it is true, especially in the early stages. There was one of mine that I would continually have to call back to redo a job. Sometimes I would just let it go, but I would have to remind myself that this was not just about getting this one chore done: it was about establishing good work habits that they would carry through with them into their future employment, and about character and integrity. I had to realize I wasn’t doing them any favors to let slipshod work get by.

One chore that most children have is to clean their own rooms to some degree. This is an area especially where children and parents can have different ideas about what exactly a clean room means. But if you work together with them when they’re very young, it can become routine ( at least the knowledge can: the implementation takes a while longer). Working together also teaches organizing skills. One of mine used to get very upset at being told to clean his room until I realized that it seemed overwhelming to him: he didn’t know how to break it down into smaller components. Working with him and going task by task helped to make it manageable and also taught sorting and organizing skills (all the legos together here, all the crayons here, etc.).

We did let them earn money for some “extra” chores. Washing the car was one.

When they got older, it was a little harder to determine what they should pay for and what we should pay for. At least one application we implemented was in the area of meals. Between youth group and school functions and just getting together with friends it seemed they were eating out a lot during high school years. We determined that if it was a specific youth group or school function, we would pay for it, but if they were just going out with friends, they should pay for it. We still pretty much bought most of their clothes as they weren’t earning a lot of money even when they did start part time jobs. When one son wanted name brand tennis shoes, we told him we would give him the amount of money that we would have spent at Wal-Mart for shoes, and he would have to save and come up with the rest for the shoes he wanted.

In looking over Chilihead’s post before posting mine, I saw she mentioned being a SAHM and feeling like the housework was what she was supposed to do. Even if Mom does the bulk of the cleaning, I think it is important for children to pitch in, for reasons I’ve already mentioned: contributing to the family and training them in work habits. I think it would be difficult for them to leave home and know how to do any kind of housework if they hadn’t done any at home. If they are used to only having to keep up a relatively messy room, their whole house will likely look like that. Regular cleaning helps establish good habits. As my children got older and were away from home more, I did loosen up on the weekly chores. Sometimes I had to just catch them when I could. But even when they got into college and were away from home most of the time to go to class or work or the library to study and we didn’t do the full-fledged job list, I still had them do a few things at home. I felt that was important training for when they had their own careers and families, because even though the exact list of chores might change, there will always be things around the house that need to be done. But when they were really busy or pressured I did let them off.

I know exact chores will vary from household to household. I know some who have their teens do their own laundry. To me it was just always easier to do that myself. But I do have them make their own breakfasts and lunches most Saturdays or summer days. That got started one summer when everyone was waking up at different times and I decided I was not going to stay in the kitchen playing short-order cook all day. Sometimes I do make a general breakfast or lunch for eveyrone some days (we have a sit-down family dinner most weeknights and a big family breakfast and lunch on Sundays), and I have felt a little guilty at times over having my kids make their own lunches, but I remind myself it is good training for them. (Especially with having all boys, I didn’t want them to be helpless in the kitchen. There have been times when I have been sick that I was so glad my husband knew basic cooking, and I wanted my boys to know that, too) Whatever the exact chores, it is good training for adulthood, not only in the specific tasks but in how to work in general for kids to have chores.

It might be good to have a family Bible study about work some time, pointing out that God gave Adam work to do before the Fall (so work itself is not a curse — it just became harder to do after sin entered the world) and going over verses in Proverbs about the diligent man and in the New Testament about providing for one’s own house (I Timothy 5:8) and doing our work quietly with out own hands (I Thess. 4:11-12; II Thess. 3:10-12).

Nowadays my guys are very good about helping with regular chores as well as bigger projects like the recent bathroom renovation. I love family projects like that for many reasons: the boys learn “how tos” of what is involved with that kind of thing that will help them when they’re the men of the house, plus a lot of good fellowship and family memories aren’t made just on vacations or “fun” times, but also on projects done together like that. Then they have the pride of accomplishment in the finished product.

One last thought: young children often have a natural desire to “help Mommy” and join in on whatever she’s doing. I tended to want to send my children off to play so I could do my work efficiently and peacefully (and quietly 🙂 ). But it really is better to let them “help.” It is always easier to teach a thing when the learner is eager to learn it, so, though it may take more time and seem like a little more trouble, it’s good to let a little one work with you, teaching them what to do (though you wouldn’t expect anything anywhere near perfection for years yet) and enjoying that time together.

Though we didn’t use this, Doorposts has a neat set-up called Stewardship Street for teaching good spending and saving principles.

Works-For-Me Wednesday: Beware of over-sympathizing

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wfmwheader_4.jpgI first became aware of this concept through a beloved college professor, Dr. Walter Fremont, now with the Lord after having ALS for 20 years. He taught Child Psychology and Adolescent Psychology, among other things, and spoke at camps and conferences and retreats on the family.

In his book, Formula For Family Unity, in a chapter titled “Principles for Building Up Children For God,” he puts it like this:

 Parents should not take the grit out of their children’s lives by protecting them from every hardship, blow, or disappointment. Remember, adversity strengthens character. For example…having them face the elements (rain, ice, and snow) while on a paper route will give them a strengthened will to face difficult times later in life. One mother thought she was helping her son…by getting up every morning at 5 a.m. to take him on his paper route. She was actually harming him by not letting him fulfill his own responsibilities. Children are resilient; they can take a lot if Mother doesn’t make them feel abused and neglected by an overly sympathetic attitude. Such a statement as, “Oh, honey, it’s so cold out there; I’m afraid you’ll freeze on your paper route,” produces a negative attitude in the mind of the child. Mother ought to say, “When you finish your paper route, I’ll have a cup of hot chocolate waiting and a good breakfast.”

Setting aside the example of a paper route (I don’t know if a child can do paper routes any more as they are so big now, and there are safety issues that weren’t as much of a concern then) and just concentrating on the principle at hand, do you hear the difference between the two responses from Mother in his example? The first can make the child feel sorry for himself and negative about what he has to do. The second is sympathetic and helpful, but in a positive, encouraging way, silently acknowledging, “It will be tough, but you can do it, and there will be something warm and comforting when you’re done.”

It’s kind of like the difference I learned to express when my firstborn was a toddler and preschooler. If he fell or did something where I thought he might have hurt himself, I’d gasp and rush to him: “Are you ok? Does it hurt? Are you bleeding? Poor baby! Come here and let me hug you. Shall I kiss it and make it better?” He may have been fine, but that reaction would make him think maybe he really did need that sympathy, and he would cry until he was comforted. Gradually I learned to just watch his reaction. If he seemed ok, we’d smile at each other, or I’d acknowledge what had happened in  cheery voice, and he’d dust himself off and go on his merry way.

Of course, this has to be kept in balance. Sometimes sympathy, an arm around the shoulder, the knowledge that someone cares and understands, is just exactly what they need. God will give us the wisdom to know how to react to the different situations if we ask Him.

But I think as moms, especially, we have to curtail that inclination to want to smooth every path and make everything easy and take all the hardships and tough spots out of their lives. They’ll never be able to face the really tough stretches in the road of life later on if we do that.

See Rocks In My Dryer for a wealth of great tips.