What do adults “owe” parents?

Posted on August 9, 2011 by Barbara Harper

Recently we watched “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?” The major issue in the film is interracial marriage, but that’s not what I want to discuss today (Roger Ebert has a great review of the film here.

Something that stood out to me was the speech Sidney Poitier’s character made to his father. His father is opposed to his son’s marrying a white woman, and when Poitier’s character tells his father to “shut up and let me think,” his father indignantly begins to list what he and his wife sacrificed for their son and what he owes them.

If I transcribed it correctly, the part that especially caught my ear and provided food for thought for several days was this:

I owe you nothing…You did what you were supposed to do because you brought me into this world, and from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me, just like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don’t own me. You can’t tell me when or where I am out of line or try to get me to live my life according to your rules….Not until your whole generation has lain down and died will the dead weight of you be off our backs…You’ve got to get off my back.

Admittedly, both characters were having pressured-filled days, and the son later softened his tone and professed his love for his father.

I don’t want to critique this from a Christian viewpoint because I know it wasn’t written that way, and there was fault of both sides in that scene, but for now I want to take this concept of what adult children “owe” their parents out of the context of the film and just ponder it.

Truly parents shouldn’t do what they do for children for “payback,” and neither should they hold it over their offsprings’ heads as a manipulation to do things their way out of guilt, though there may be times a little adjustment in the kids’ perspective is in order. There comes a time a man has to “leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife” (Genesis 2:24; Mark 10:7; Ephesians 5:31), to step out on his own as an adult, and come to his own convictions and rules.

But there are things we do owe parents even after we’re out of the home and out from under their direct authority.

Honor

The fifth of the ten commandments was not given only to children: “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.” We usually apply it to children, but children aren’t specified in that passage. Even when we’re out from under a parent’s direct authority, we’re still to honor them. Even if they’re not everything they ought to be (who among us is?), we’re still to honor them.

Respect

This is perhaps a part of honor. Leviticus 19:32 says, “Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD,” and Proverbs 16:31 says, “The hoary head is a crown of glory, if it be found in the way of righteousness.” Proverbs 23:22 says, “Hearken unto thy father that begat thee, and despise not thy mother when she is old.” I wrote some thoughts about this a while back here. Society today does not value the elderly much, but in God’s economy we’re to greatly respect them. But the tenor of Scripture indicates respect of parents even before they get to be “elderly” — you can’t read far through Proverbs especially without picking up on that attitude.

A Hearing

The book of Proverbs is a father’s instruction to his son, except for the last chapter which is a mother’s instruction. I don’t know that all of that instruction is aimed at a minor child. Other places in the Bible, as well, urge us to listen to advice, instruction, and even rebuke from those who are wiser and more mature than we are, and parents should surely be among the first we’d listen to, because they know us best and are the most interested, usually, in our well-being and outcome. Again, not every parent’s every piece of advice is going to be on target, but it shouldn’t be dismissed out of hand: it should at least be given a fair hearing and then evaluated in light of God’s Word and prayer.

Appreciation

Honestly, I can’t think of a Bible verse for this one, but if gratitude and appreciation for what others have done are good character traits, they should certainly be applied to parents. I’ve written before about how children don’t fully understand what’s been done for them until they’re older, usually when they have children of their own. Even now that I am in my 50s and my mother has passed away, there are new realizations sometimes of things she went through, and I can’t tell her now that I understand and appreciate it, but I hope she knows.

Care

In I Timothy 5:1-15, Paul instructs the younger pastor Timothy in how the church should care for the widows in its number, and he says in verse 4, “But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God.” Jesus called out the Pharisees and scribes for allowing people to give to them what should have gone to care of parents.

Then of course, there are the Biblical “one anothers” that should govern Christians’ interaction with each other. Sometimes, sadly, we neglect those most with those closest to us.

Parents are fallible people. They’re not always on target; sometimes they might be a little out of touch. Sometimes they’re out and out wrong — I came from a non-Christian home and have written before about having to learn to respect my parents out of obedience to God even when they were doing things I couldn’t respect. On the other hand, sometimes teen or adult kids think a parent is a little too free with unsolicited advice when that advice is something they really need to hear. Parents shouldn’t nag and manipulate; kids shouldn’t ignore and disrespect. Sometimes parents do have to pull back and let their children make and learn from their own mistakes, but sometimes a parent’s advice will save a son or daughter from a serious problems and heartache. It’s a delicate balance. But if those involved are seeking the Lord’s best, He will help them find that balance and best way of interacting, and even if only one side is actively seeking to honor Him in their dealings, He will aid them.

The Week In Words

Posted on August 8, 2011 by Barbara Harper

Welcome to The Week In Words, where we share quotes from the last week’s reading. If something you read this past week inspired you, caused you to laugh, cry, think, dream, or just resonated with you in some way, please share it with us, attributing it to its source, which can be a book, newspaper, blog, Facebook — anything that you read. More information is here.

I see this on Janet‘s sidebar:

A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. This is the sum of good government. (Thomas Jefferson)

I agree!

Seen at girltalk:

See that your relish for the Bible be above every other enjoyment, and the moment you begin to feel greater relish for any other book, lay it down till you have sought deliverance from such a snare, and obtained from the Holy Spirit an intenser relish, a keener appetite for the Word of God (Jer 15:16). ~ Horatius Bonar

Forgot to note where I saw this — I think on a friend’s Facebook page:

“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” ~ C. S. Lewis

I think if we truly had hold of this truth, that any sin of anyone else’s against us pales next to ours against God, we wouldn’t have any trouble with forgiveness.

If you’ve read anything that particularly spoke to you that you’d like to share, please either list it in the comments below or write a post on your blog and then put the link to that post (not your general blog link) in Mr. Linky below. I do ask that only family-friendly quotes be included.

I hope you’ll visit some of the other participants as well and glean some great thoughts to ponder. And don’t forget to leave a comment here, even if you don’t have any quotes to share!

The Week in Words and a Poll

Posted on July 25, 2011 by Barbara Harper

I only have a couple this week. One I posted earlier in a review of Prince Caspian, but I couldn’t resist posting it again:

“You come of the Lord Adam and the Lady Eve, and that is both honor enough to erect the head of the poorest beggar, and shame enough to bow the shoulders of the greatest emperor on earth.”

This one came from an e-mail devotional of Elisabeth Elliot from a chapter titled “A Devious Repentance” in A Lamp For My Feet:

Recently I committed a sin of what seemed to me unpardonable thoughtlessness. For days I wanted to kick myself around the block. What is the matter with me? I thought. How could I have acted so? “Fret not thyself because of evildoers” came to mind. In this case the evildoer was myself, and I was fretting. My fretting, I discovered, was a subtle kind of pride. “I’m really not that sort of person,” I was saying. I did not want to be thought of as that sort of person. I was very sorry for what I had done, not primarily because I had failed someone I loved, but because my reputation would be smudged. When my reputation becomes my chief concern, my repentance has a hollow ring. No wonder Satan is called the deceiver. He has a thousand tricks, and we fall for them.

Lord, I confess my sin of thoughtlessness and my sin of pride. I pray for a more loving and a purer heart, for Jesus’ sake.

I’ve been there. You?

I’ve marked a few more from Beyond Suffering by Layton Talbert, but I think I might save those for when I review the book. It’s hard to wait to post them, though!

Also — I’ve been kind of thinking about discontinuing The Week In Words. I’ve hosted it about a year now, and most weeks there are only two or three of us who participate, though some weeks we have 4 and I think once or twice we’ve had as many was six. (I know some of you have been away lately, but I am thinking of the overall trend: it hasn’t really “taken off.”) But then it’s not really about numbers. Also, I think many people who don’t participate in it skip the post entirely (which is fine — I don’t always read or comment on every post of every blog I read, though I usually at least skim them). I’ve been going back and forth about it in my own mind for a few weeks now, and I decided to ask you what you thought. You can either vote in the poll or leave a comment, or both.

I hope you’ll visit some of the other participants as well and glean some great thoughts to ponder. And don’t forget to leave a comment here, even if you don’t have any quotes to share!

Jesus, I Come

Posted on July 24, 2011 by Barbara Harper

This is another older hymn I haven’t heard in a long time. I’m not sure, why, but it came to mind this morning. I love some of the newer spiritual songs coming out these days, but I hope we don’t forget the good old ones. These words are just as applicable and relevant today as they were when first written.

Out of my bondage, sorrow, and night,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into Thy freedom, gladness, and light,
Jesus, I come to Thee;
Out of my sickness, into Thy health,
Out of my want and into Thy wealth,
Out of my sin and into Thyself,
Jesus, I come to Thee.

Out of my shameful failure and loss,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into the glorious gain of Thy cross,
Jesus, I come to Thee.
Out of earth’s sorrows into Thy balm,
Out of life’s storms and into Thy calm,
Out of distress to jubilant psalm,
Jesus, I come to Thee.

Out of unrest and arrogant pride,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into Thy blessèd will to abide,
Jesus, I come to Thee.
Out of myself to dwell in Thy love,
Out of despair into raptures above,
Upward for aye on wings like a dove,
Jesus, I come to Thee.

Out of the fear and dread of the tomb,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into the joy and light of Thy throne,
Jesus, I come to Thee.
Out of the depths of ruin untold,
Into the peace of Thy sheltering fold,
Ever Thy glorious face to behold,
Jesus, I come to Thee.

~ William T. Sleeper, 1887

Narnian Magic

Posted on July 19, 2011 by Barbara Harper

I started to write about the magical aspect of Narnia in a book review of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, but it then took on a life of its own, so I decided to make it a separate post.

I came to The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis via a slightly different route than many of you. I don’t remember reading or even hearing about the Chronicles of Narnia until about twelve years ago. A lady in my church who is very gifted in art and drama was talking about being in a local stage production of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe along with her daughter. This lady herself was playing the White Witch. I was very surprised.

There was a time when I avoided any book, program, cartoon, anything that had anything remotely to do with witches, magic, etc., for a couple of very good reasons. First of all, back in the ninth or tenth grade I had done a group research project in English class on the occult. This was before I became a Christian, and some time after I became a Christian a few years later, I realized how foolish that was and rejoiced that God had protected me from getting any further involved. I discovered dire warnings in the Bible against witches, wizards, and the like. Secondly, when my kids were younger, we picked up a truly horrible book. The title had to do with a magic carpet, and as my son showed it to me at the library, I felt what I can only describe as a check in my spirit, kind of a warning signal that this might be a problem. But we had had a different book about a magic carpet before and it was just a sweet reference to a rug where a girl and her grandmother or aunt had sat and told stories. So I let my son check out the book with the thought that I’d look at it before we read it. As I got into it, I discovered it was written from a New Age viewpoint complete with a “spirit guide” (who had his own chapter in the back), and the book advocated things like throwing books at your teachers if they didn’t let you do what you wanted, hinted at an incestuous relationship between a brother and sister, and urged the reader to throw off everything he had ever learned before from his parents. I can’t adequately describe the revulsion and horror at the book I had in my hands.

So naturally I was a bit skittish at the thought of anything “magical.” But somewhere along the way, I can’t remember just how, I came to the conclusion that fairy tale magic usually is a different thing than the actual occult. Usually the witch in a fairy tale is just the representation of the bad guy in the “good versus evil” plot. When we watched The Fellowship of the Ring, the first of the Lord of the Ring series (I had also missed these books growing up. My education was sadly deficient of classics), I struggled a bit with the wizardry in them, but eventually concluded that the wizards were more like Middle Earth super heroes than actual occultish wizards. Real life wizards, after all, don’t ride on the backs of giant birds or fight each other with power blasts (at least as far as I know).

One definition of “magical” in Dictionary.com is “mysteriously enchanting” and one of “magic” is “any mysterious or extraordinary quality or power.” I did read the Chronicles of Narnia and a biography of Lewis not long after the encounter with my friend at church, and I think when Lewis speaks of the “deep magic” of Narnia, he is meaning this “mysterious or extraordinary quality or power.”

Yet I recently read (and I wish I could remember where) of a modern-day pagan who claims Narnia every bit as much as Christians do. And “Googling” “paganism in Narnia” results in many articles and posts discussing the issue from both sides. Such pagan ideas existed in Lewis’s day: did he have any idea pagans in days to come would champion elements from his work as much as Christians do? Or is it a matter of the principle that “Unto the pure all things are pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure; but even their mind and conscience is defiled” (Titus 1:15)? I don’t know: perhaps some of you who have read more of the background of the books can lend some insight.

I’ve read that Lewis never meant Narnia as an exact Christian allegory, but Christian elements are definitely there: Christ is referred to as “the lion of the tribe of Judah”; Aslan, the Christ figure of Narnia, is a great lion. Aslan dies for one who betrayed him just as Christ did, and he is similarly resurrected. I mentioned in yesterday’s post that the way the children felt about Aslan being good and terrible at the same time mirrored our feelings of God. (See What’s Christian About Narnia” for more.)

Having read a biography of Lewis, his Mere Christianity, and snips of his other writings, I am content to say, like Lauren Winner, “That an unmistakably biblical narrative emerged is perhaps a testimony to Lewis’s own formation, a reminder of how deeply steeped he was in the Christian story.” Though I don’t know how to reconcile all the elements of the stories, I know enough about his Christian beliefs to trust that they really are there in the stories.

I would say, however, to anyone who has a doubt or a question about this or any other book or program, don’t violate your conscience. Read about them, talk to others, pray about it before going ahead, and if you decide not to read them, that’s fine. And those of us who do read them shouldn’t scoff at those who don’t. We each need to remember the principles of Romans 14 when it comes to differing convictions: that we shouldn’t despise or judge each other on these kinds of things, that we should each be “fully persuaded in our own minds,” that whatever we do or don’t allow needs to be done as unto the Lord, that we will all give account of ourselves to God, that we shouldn’t put stumblingblocks in each other’s way, that we should “follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another,” that we shouldn’t condemn ourselves in what we allow, and that if we can’t do a thing in faith, we shouldn’t do it.

The Week In Words

Posted on July 18, 2011 by Barbara Harper

Forgive me, I am running late today. But here are a few quotes that spoke to me this week:

From Robin Lee Hatcher‘s Facebook page:

“Without love for God & His Word, [our obedience is] just trying to be good. Nothing will wear you out faster.” Beth Moore

I’ve never read a Beth Moore book or Bible study, but I can attest to the truth of this statement.

From The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis:

But as for Aslan himself, the Beavers and the children didn’t know what to do or say when they saw him. People who have not been in Narnia sometimes think that a thing cannot be good and terrible at the same time. If the children had ever thought so, they were cured of it now. For when they tried to look at Aslan’s face they just caught a glimpse of the golden mane and the great, royal, solemn, overwhelming eyes; and then they found they couldn’t look at him and went all trembly.

For those who might not know, Aslan the lion is the Christ figure in the Narnia stories, and I thought this was a sweet and lovely depiction trying to explain his being both good and terrible (terrible not meaning “bad” here but inspiring awe, as in these verses.) Sometimes I have tried to reconcile in my own mind how we can think of Christ as an elder brother and friend and God as an “Abba” father, and yet, as John, the closest disciple to Christ, fall on his face as dead when we see Him in all His glory. The closest parallel that comes to mind is what it might be like when a child of royalty sees his parent “in state” at a royal function all decked out in royal garb with pomp and ceremony.

From Beyond Suffering by Layton Talbert:

Commenting on Job being a man who “eschewed evil“: The Hebrew verb means to recoil and to go out of one’s way to avoid. Job feared God and was frightened of evil because he understood the true nature of each. Being frightened of evil is not a sign of immaturity or paranoia. It is the same sane aversion to danger that my nephew has to peanuts: they may appear harmless but he knows they can kill him (p. 29).

And later commenting on some people’s disagreeing with James’s assessment of the patience of Job: This Biblical virtue is not a sappy, carefree cheeriness. It is a manly word that means to ‘remain under’ whatever pressure or pain one is presently enduring from the hand of God. Patience is fortitude under adversity. Job struggled to maintain his integrity and his faith under great duress. (p. 32).

Finally, from the July 1 reading of The Invitation by Derick Bingham:

The Lord Jesus got down below the level of their couches and washed their feet, gently. So if we would seek to correct, say, someone’s attitude problem, we must not do it in an arrogant and proud manner, else we will do them more harm than good. Humility of attitude and helpfulness goes a long way to guiding those who have bee soiled to a place of cleansing. If you would be a true foot-washer, imitate the Lord’s method. Christians are often hopeless at this ministry simply because they are not willing to stoop low enough.

Much food for thought today!

I hope you’ll visit some of the other participants as well and glean some great thoughts to ponder. And don’t forget to leave a comment here, even if you don’t have any quotes to share!

How does God deal with evil?

Posted on July 14, 2011 by Barbara Harper

Our pastor is taking us through a study of the book of Job, and of course one of the questions that arises from Job is the problem of suffering, especially seemingly undeserved suffering. That’s a question too big for one small blog post, but I wanted to share one outline that our pastor shared with us that was helpful to me.

He had titled it “How Does God Mesh Good and Evil?”

1. Sometimes He prevents it:

Gen 20:6: And God said unto him in a dream, Yea, I know that thou didst this in the integrity of thy heart; for I also withheld thee from sinning against me: therefore suffered I thee not to touch her.

2. He permits it:

Psalm 81:12-13: So I gave them up unto their own hearts’ lust: and they walked in their own counsels. Oh that my people had hearkened unto me, and Israel had walked in my ways!

3. He directs it [redeems it, uses it for good]:

Genesis 50:20: But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.

Romans 8:28: And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

4. He limits it:

Psalm 124: all, sample 2-3: If it had not been the LORD who was on our side, when men rose up against us: Then they had swallowed us up quick, when their wrath was kindled against us.

God put limits on what Satan could do to Job: Job 1:12, 2:6.

I think you could also add that He punishes it — not immediately, always, but He promises that He will take care of justice and vengeance.

Pastor has encouraged us to journal what we’re learning as we go through Job. I haven’t done that in connection with Bible study in a long while, but decided to do so this time. I’ve been thinking of putting those thoughts in a separate blog just for that purpose but I haven’t decided — it’s more in a rambling style of jotting things down as I think of them, of snatches from sermon notes, etc., rather than well thought-out and put-together posts. But we’ll see.

In the meantime, I just thought I’d share this one little section of things I’ve found helpful so far.

The Week In Words

Posted on July 11, 2011 by Barbara Harper

I hope you’ll forgive the length of some of these: I cut them down but didn’t want to cut too much.

The following is an excerpt from from the Day 12 reading titled “Sanctification by Satisfaction” of Gospel Meditations For Women:

Scripture describes the Christian life as the source of such great joy that temptations lose their appeal. Like the feeling we have after Thanksgiving dinner, we should be so full of Christ that we don’t have room for sin!…Does obeying Christ mean saying no to sinful pleasures? Sure. However, saying no to sin in favor of Christ is like saying no to a scooter in favor of a sports car, or no to peanuts in favor of filet mignon. Life with Christ is a feast, not a famine.” ~ Chris Anderson

I never thought of “fullness” in that way — what a great illustration.

This is an excerpt from an Elisabeth Elliot e-mail devotional taken from a chapter titled “How to Be Free” from All That Was Ever Ours.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a man who epitomized true freedom in his acceptance, for God’s sake, of the prison cell and death, wrote: “If you set out to seek freedom, then learn above all things to govern your soul and your senses. . . . Only through discipline may a man learn to be free.”

Freedom and discipline have come to be regarded as mutually exclusive, when in fact freedom is not at all the opposite, but the final reward, of discipline. It is to be bought with a high price, not merely claimed. The world thrills to watch the grace of Peggy Fleming on the ice, or the marvelously controlled speed and strength of a racehorse. But the skater and horse are free to perform as they do only because they have been subjected to countless hours of grueling work, rigidly prescribed, faithfully carried out. Men are free to soar into space because they have willingly confined themselves in a tiny capsule designed and produced by highly trained scientists and craftsmen, have meticulously followed instructions and submitted themselves to rules which others defined.

This was from a post at ivman:

“We give to God to show Him we think He’s valuable, not because He’s poor..” — Drew Conley

God doesn’t “need” what we have to give, but we need to give it.

I hope you’ll visit some of the other participants as well and glean some great thoughts to ponder. And don’t forget to leave a comment here, even if you don’t have any quotes to share!

In Tenderness He Sought Me

Posted on July 10, 2011 by Barbara Harper

This is an old hymn I’ve not heard in ages — I’m not sure why. I don’t know what brought it to mind today, but it brought to mind a sad situation we know of where a father with a wayward daughter seems to be assuming the stance of arms-folded hardness and toe-tapping impatience until his daughter repents. I don’t know his heart or the conversations they have privately, and I know his heart breaks for her. Yet seemingly, from a public vantage point, he’s forgotten that love woos and draws. There has to be a balance: sin can’t be skimmed over, but rather needs to be dealt with, yet love draws. Again, I don’t know their hearts: I pray for them. But I hope the daughter and all wayward ones know the tender love of a Savior who wants to cleanse, heal, and restore them in love.

In tenderness He sought me,
Weary and sick with sin;
And on His shoulders brought me
Back to His fold again.
While angels in His presence sang
Until the courts of Heaven rang.

Refrain:

Oh, the love that sought me!
Oh, the blood that bought me!
Oh, the grace that brought me to the fold,
Wondrous grace that brought me to the fold.

He washed the bleeding sin wounds,
And poured in oil and wine;
He whispered to assure me,
“I’ve found thee, thou art Mine”;
I never heard a sweeter voice;
It made my aching heart rejoice!

Refrain

He pointed to the nail prints,
For me His blood was shed,
A mocking crown so thorny
Was placed upon His head;
I wondered what He saw in me,
To suffer such deep agony.

Refrain

I’m sitting in His presence,
The sunshine of His face,
While with adoring wonder
His blessings I retrace.
It seems as if eternal days
Are far too short to sound His praise.

Refrain

So while the hours are passing,
All now is perfect rest,
I’m waiting for the morning,
The brightest and the best,
When He will call us to His side,
To be with Him, His spotless bride.

Refrain

– W. Spencer Walton

I couldn’t find a video of this hymn being sung to the tune I know: this one is just instrumental, but it was a blessing to me. Hopefully you can put together the words and melody easily if you’re not familiar with it. And may anyone reading who is not yet “in the fold” be found of the seeking Savior today.

Links, a video, and a birthday

Posted on July 2, 2011 by Barbara Harper

Here are a few things I found interesting the Web this week:

Quotes about sacrifice….from a surprising source, but applicable to Christian life.

The Enemy Next Door. Good thoughts on interaction with “worldly” neighbors.

Does Gender Matter? Yes! Despite one family’s attempt to keep their baby’s gender a secret for its “freedom.”

Believe It Yourself. “If you look at the ten commandments as a boundary around something, instead of a obstacle to something, you will see that God’s laws are situated in places that make real life possible. They are rules of freedom.”

Free Desktop Wallpaper. I got the “Be Still and Know That I Am God” one.

This is pretty amazing. I am surprised the guy ever found his camera again.