“Mirth is God’s medicine. Everybody ought to bathe in it. Grim care, moroseness, anxiety — all this rust of life ought to be scoured off by the oil of mirth. It is better than emery. Every man ought to rub himself with it. A man without mirth is like a wagon without springs, in which everyone is caused disagreeably to jolt by every pebble over which is runs.”
— Henry Ward Beecher

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine.
Proverbs 17:22a

In that vein, I give you 13 favorite jokes collected over the years.

1. A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden a cat attacks them. The mother mouse shouts, “BARK!” and the cat runs away.

“See?” says the mother mouse to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s so important to learn a foreign language?”

~~~~~

2) A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, “Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs.”

She said that if he didn’t start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.

A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. “Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!” he said.

So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.

He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys. “Hark!” he said, “What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?”

(I grew up in Texas and never heard any Texans speak quite this way — but I still loved the joke. 🙂 )

~~~~~

3) When Art learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. “Since I’ve been with the firm for so long,” he said, “I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation.”

The human resources director agreed and said he’d have the letter that next day. The following morning, Art found the letter on his desk. It read, “Art worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied.”

~~~~~

4) One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, “You know my name. What’s yours?”

“We’re not allowed to give our names,” I replied, “but my operator number is 4136.

Sounding disappointed, he said, “May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?”

~~~~~

5) Young Son: “I heard that in some parts of Africa they don’t know their spouse until they get married. Is it true, Dad?”

Dad: “That happens in every country, son.”

~~~~~

6) Tom had won a toy in a contest. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?”

Five small voices answered in unison: “Okay, Dad, you get the toy.”

~~~~~

7) One man once said, “I’ll never understand women. I don’t see how they can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto their legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.”

~~~~~

8 ) We just hired a new consultant at my company. I asked him a question. He replied, “I could tell you, but then I’d have to bill you.”

~~~~~

9) On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, “I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no “I” in the word “marriage.”

The wife said, “For my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling.”

~~~~~

10) When Edna’s grandson asked her how old she was, she teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.”

“Look in your underwear, Grandma,” he advised. “Mine says I’m four.”

~~~~~

11) Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen”

One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, “You know…I think I just heard a discouraging word.”

~~~~~

12) Peter and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Peter said to the salesman, “We really like it, but I don’t think we can afford it.”

The salesman said, “You just make a small down payment, then you don’t make another payment for six months.”

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said, “Who told you about us?”

~~~~~

13) I misplaced my dictionary. Now I’m at a loss for words.

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I haven’t been terribly happy with our house since we bought it — I hope that doesn’t sound terribly discontent. We were rushed the weekend we were house-hunting and just didn’t see or realize some of the problems with this one. At the time it was the only one with the room we were looking for, so it won out over houses that I liked better. And circumstances haven’t been conducive to buying a different home yet. But when we do, these are features I’d like:

1. Some distance between neighbors. I really don’t like these new subdivisions that are so close together that it looks like you could borrow a cup of sugar from each other’s kitchen windows without ever leaving your house. Our subdivision is 30+ years old and not quite that crowded, but houses are close enough that it’s awkward to me. From my kitchen window I cam see right into the family room of the house behind us, where someone’s easy chair sits whose occupant looks like he’s looking back into my window. I put a sun-catcher right at that spot, which helps. But I’d rather have a different view and not feel self-conscious there on my patio when the neighbors driveway is right there a few feet away.

2. At least 2 full bathrooms. We have 1 1/2 right now, which works out ok most of the time. But an extra shower would be helpful.

3. Our last two homes have been split-levels, and I’d prefer next time to have just one level. I could live with a two-story, though, where I didn’t have to go up and down stairs just to use a restroom or bring groceries in.

4. Speaking of groceries, I’d love to have the kitchen right next to the driveway or garage door. Right now I have to cart groceries in across two rooms and up seven steps. It gets exhausting after hiking across Super Wal-Mart.

5. A pantry. I sorely miss the one from our old house. Our kitchen is seriously short of storage space.

6. A more efficiently laid-out kitchen.

7. Some larger or more open area for when company comes. Our house now is small compartments of rooms. so when family comes to visit or we have anyone over, it’s crowded.

8. A craft/sewing room where I can put all of my ‘stuff” where it’s accessible and where I can leave projects-in-progress out and shut the door so I don’t feel like there’s a mess in the living area or bedroom. I’d also like to put a day bed in there and have it double as a guest room.

9. I’d love to have an office for my husband, if he’d like one, so that he’d have a place for his technical books and microscopes and a quiet space when he’s working from home.

10. A ‘mudroom” or little space when you first come in from outside to take off jackets and shoes, hang up wet jackets to dry, etc., without that being a corner of a living area.

11. A garage (preferably) or carport.

12. A fence around the back yard.

13. I’m not sure about this one, but I’ve thought about a screen-in porch area in the back where you can go out when the weather’s nice but not be bothered by bugs (the South is very buggy) and even maybe have a ceiling fan. But — that’s iffy. I’m not outdoors much as it is.

Bonus: At one time we wanted a log cabin, but now I am leaning more toward something Victorian or very Southern-looking with white columns.

Now — I know I should be content with such things as I have (and I try. 🙂 ). And I know that in many parts of the world, what I have now would be considered luxurious. I try to keep it in perspective. But…..if we ever do buy another house, these are some of the things I’d look for.

(House graphic courtesy of Graphic Garden.)

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1. We don’t have to attend every argument we’re invited to.

2. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

3. He cuts corners will soon find himself running around in circles.

4. Every time history repeats itself the price goes up.

5. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

6. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

7. It takes a smart spouse to have the last word and not use it.

8. One day a peacock, the next day a feather duster.

9. You can’t have everything: where would you put it?

10. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.

11. Some drink at the fountain of knowledge: other just gargle.

12. What did the cured ham actually have?

13. Quote: “ ” – Marcel Marceau, French mime artist.

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I’ve seen a few blogs begin to show some signs of autumn. I’m looking forward to the cooler weather and fall colors, but here in SC it will still feel like summer for a few weeks yet. Since this is the last day of August and autumn doesn’t officially arrive until Sept. 23, I give you something I’ve received in various forms several times:

Thirteen signs of summer in the South:

1. You step outside at 7:30 a.m. and break out into a sweat.

2. The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

3. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

4. The cows are giving evaporated milk.

5. You can make instant sun tea.

6. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

7. You decide the best parking place is determined by amount of shade instead of distance.

8. Hot water now comes out of both taps.

9. A parent laments, “I wish it would rain – not so much for me, cuz I’ve seen it – but for my 7-year-old.”

10. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

11. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

12. You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

13. The trees are whistling for the dogs.

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