What We’re to Be Before We Teach

Posted on April 10, 2022 by Barbara Harper

When Titus 2 is taught in any women’s gathering, we almost always hone in on what older women are instructed to teach the younger: “to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled” (verses 4-5).

But we either lightly touch or skip over what Titus 2 says older women are to be in the verses preceding these.

But before we get there, let’s zoom out a bit to see the context. Paul is writing to one of his coworkers, Titus, whom he had left in charge of the church in Crete. Paul had directed Titus to ordain elders in the churches from among those with certain godly characteristics in Titus 1. Paul sums up that instruction with verse 9: “He [an elder] must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it.”

Then Paul describes those who contradict sound doctrine: “insubordinate, empty talkers and deceivers . . . upsetting whole families by teaching for shameful gain what they ought not to teach . . . their minds and their consciences are defiled. They profess to know God, but they deny him by their works. They are detestable, disobedient, unfit for any good work” (1:10-15).

Remember there are no chapter divisions in the original text. When we study chapters individually, we sometimes forget to connect them to what came before. The very next paragraph in Titus begins, “But as for you”—in contrast to the kind of people he was just talking about—“teach what accords with sound doctrine” (2:1). Then Paul gives specific instruction to older men, older women, younger men and women, servants.

So these instructions aren’t just nice thoughts or ways to have a happy church or for everyone to get along. These behaviors that Paul wants taught are “in accord with sound doctrine.” Our beliefs and our behavior should work hand in glove. Our actions shouldn’t contradict our doctrine.

So what are older women to be like?

“Reverent in behavior.” Most of the non-paraphrased translations use the word “reverent.” The KJV says, “in behaviour as becometh holiness.” The commentary at the bottom of this page says, “The Greek word rendered ‘in behaviour,’ or ‘in demeanour,’ includes dress, appearance, conversation, manner; includes an outward deportment dependent on something more internal. The elder Christian woman in her whole bearing should exhibit a certain dignity of sacred demeanour; there should be something in her general appearance, in her dress, in her speech, in her every-day behaviour, which the younger and more thoughtless sister could respect and reverence–an ideal she might hope one day, if the Master spared her so long, herself to reach.”

Being reverent or dignified or holy doesn’t mean one never has fun, laughs, or tells jokes. Joy is part of the fruit of the Holy Spirit. Proverbs 17:22 tells us “A joyful [merry, KJV] heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Richard Baxter said, “Keep company with the more cheerful sort of the godly; there is no mirth like the mirth of believers” (The Practical Works of Richard Baxter, p. 24). Henry Ward Beecher said, “A man without mirth is like a wagon without springs, in which everyone is caused disagreeably to jolt by every pebble over which it runs.”

There’s a joy and humor in keeping with reverence and holiness.

But a godly older woman knows the things of the Lord are serious. She takes care to honor God in her life and teaching, whether formal instruction or just sharing passing encouragement.

“Not slanderers.” Some translations say “false accusers” or “gossips.” Obviously we shouldn’t spread anything that is untrue. Lying and slander are definitely not in keeping with a God of truth.

Gossip is a little harder to define. It’s not always wrong to talk about someone else’s wrongdoing. Paul mentions people by name in his epistles who have erred in various ways. Sometimes talking with another Christian is a way to process whether someone’s actions are right or wrong. As we’ve encountered problems in various churches we’ve attended (and there is no church without problems), we’ve discussed the issues with our family. But discretion is needed as to what is discussed with whom and how. There’s a difference between needful processing and just gossiping. Gossip seems to have malicious intent.

As an example, years ago a couple who had been members of our church went out as missionaries to another country. They seemed exemplary in every way, having a real fervor for the Lord. After some years of seemingly successful ministry, the husband was found in an adulterous relationship with another woman. Their mission board called them home. When the church leadership met with the man, he refused to repent, saying he loved his sin too much to give it up.

Of course, this situation sent shock waves through the community he left, his mission board, our church, and probably everyone at every level that he had ever dealt with. It wasn’t something that could be kept quiet. There was much discussion. How should we respond to him? How can we minister to his heartbroken wife? And most of all, how could this have happened?

We all needed to work through that kind of processing. But to talk about the situation just to talk would have been wrong.

I think we have to show restraint sometimes even in sharing good news that might not be ours to share. Once at a church committee meeting I attended, one newly-pregnant lady lamented that she didn’t even have a chance to tell her closest friends that she was expecting because word spread so quickly. That convicted me. There’s something delicious about being the one with news to share.

So if our motive for talking about situations is to feel important because we have news, or to feel superior because someone has done wrong, we’d better put the brakes on. We need much wisdom and Holy Spirit leading that our conversation would be edifying and not destructive.

“Not slaves to much wine.” I think, in context, this phrase is not just saying older women shouldn’t be drunkards. This verse uses the word “likewise,” pointing back to what had been told to older men, that they should be “sober-minded, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love, and in steadfastness” (v. 1). Self-control is also mentioned to the younger women (verse 5) and younger men (verse 6) with another “likewise.” So I think the larger picture is that she shouldn’t be enslaved to anything, that she should live a life of self-control (another part of the fruit of the Holy Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23).

“To teach what is good.” To teach what is good, one has to know what is good. We can’t teach subjects we don’t know, can we? We need to spend much time in the Word of God not only so that we know what He wants to teach us, but also so that, as we have opportunities to share with others, we can direct them the right way.

To “train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled” (verses 4-5), we have to have enough experience walking with God to be able to share His truth in these areas.

That makes the whole thing scary. None of us has lived in this way in perfection. But God knows that. He doesn’t ask us to teach from our perfection, but from His. Sharing our own failures and stumbles helps other women to know that God gives grace. Pointing, not to ourselves, but to Him helps others to look to the only One who can enable them.

Older women have a reputation for being cranky, crochety, and critical of anything that’s not done like it was “back in my day.” Thank God, most of the older women I have known have not been like that. God has put some sweet, godly women of stellar character in my path over the years.

May we all seek His grace, whatever our ages, to please Him and to be a godly influence on those around us.

Some of my past posts related to these subjects:

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

I’m an older woman…so now what?

Posted on January 11, 2016 by Barbara Harper

Younger and older women alike sometimes look at Titus 2:3-5 with varying degrees of emotion and sometimes more questions than answers:

³The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;

⁴That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,

⁵To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

First of all, how old is “aged?” The ESV graciously says “older” instead. Sometimes women resist the admonition in these verses because they don’t want to admit to being an “older” woman (although I’ve often said we’re all older than somebody.) But being now on the far side of my 50s, yes, I have to admit I am probably getting there.

The second questions that comes to my mind is “How am I supposed to go about this teaching?” I don’t think the text means that older women are supposed to buttonhole younger women and lecture them. That would not go over very well at all!

I shared in a post on mentoring women that Paul probably did not have in mind classes or retreats when he wrote this. I don’t know if they had such things (as we think of them) then. We do have them these days, and they can be a great blessing. Even still, there would only be a small number of older women in an “official” teaching capacity. Are the rest of us off the hook? I don’t think so. I also mentioned there that some churches have formed one-on-one mentoring programs, or some women have specifically asked an older woman to meet with them regularly. For me personally, the best teaching I received from older women wasn’t necessarily done deliberately. As a Christian teenager from a non-Christian home, I mostly went to church alone unless I took my younger siblings. Another family in my church invited me over regularly, and God used them greatly in my life to show me how a Christian home operates. The wife, in particular, was a lovely example to me in every way: her relationship with her husband and children, her homemaking, her sweet spirit. But I don’t think they took me on specifically as a “project.” They were just hospitable, and their character and spirit came through everything they did. Similarly, often in the everyday activities of church life – nursery duty, baby showers, ladies meetings, ladies Bible studies, putting bulletin boards up, etc. – very often God would send me “a word in due season” from sometimes a seemingly chance remark by an older lady. One of the few times of specific instruction I remember was when a mom of teenagers was taking about one of them (favorably) while we put up a bulletin board and said something like, “When your kids get older, don’t dread the teen years. Don’t expect those years to be tense and rebellious. You can have a good relationship with your teens and they can grow a lot during that time.” That stayed with me through my own kids’ teen years, and I am so glad it did, because the worldly wisdom by then was that it’s a necessary rite of passage for teens to be rebellious and somewhat estranged from their parents. That lady’s advice probably saved our family from some grievous attitudes during that time. So, though there are other more official ways to teach, to me, to employ an overused phrase, “doing life together” is one of the best.

Then there is blogging and writing. Again, this may not be something Paul had specifically in mind, but it’s a great avenue to share truth in this day. Many of us won’t go on to write books, but we can share from our experiences through a blog. For me, again, some of my favorite blogs have not been specifically didactic, though I have learned from that kind as well. When I first started blogging, the blogging world (at least among the women I knew) was chatty and neighborly, more like visiting over the back fence. There wasn’t as much talk then of “branding” or finding one’s niche. Sometimes I consider whether I should make my blog a little more professional or focused, but for now, even though I do get a little teachy in some posts, I still prefer the “doing life together” aspect, and hopefully sharing a Christian view of handling life in the process. I do wonder whether that costs me some readers who don’t view a blog like this as a “serious” blog next to the didactic ones. I probably would never make any list of “Best Christian Women Bloggers Over 50.” But that’s not my goal. My goal is to blog about life and what God is teaching me along the way. As I mentioned, some of my favorite blogs were the same type. For example, my friend Dianna, who, sadly, isn’t blogging any more, wrote mostly about her home and family, but her sweet godly spirit shone through and was an example, and often a rebuke, to me, just in her writing about the course of her day or some project she was doing at home.

When it comes to what to teach, I am much relieved by what the text says. I don’t think this is an exhaustive list: I think older women can teach other women the Word of God in an expository manner and touch on other subjects than what is listed. Lisa Spence discusses this more fully in her post I am more than my motherhood. But what relieves me in reading about the specific topics listed is this: I don’t have to take sides in the latest “mommy wars” topic being debated or on any couple’s marital debate, but in my interaction with women, I can teach and encourage loving hearts and godly attitudes. I’m relieved that I don’t necessarily have to teach younger women how to raise their children, because I’ve been astonished at how much I have forgotten about some of the details, and some recommendations have changed over the years (even with my own three children in the nine-year span between the births of the oldest and youngest, I had three different official medical instructions about the position they were supposed to sleep in from the same doctor). Plus there is a lot of room for different opinions and methods even in Christian parenthood. I’m happy to share any specifics I might remember when asked or if I think of something that would be helpful. But above the details, I’m concerned with godly character.

I have read a number of times over the years the question from younger women, “Where are the older, godly, Titus 2 women?” More recently I’ve seen the question, “Where are the older women bloggers?” Lisa makes the point that older women can’t write about parenting their teens or adult children as they write about their 2-year-olds because we need to be circumspect about their privacy. They may not want Mom to share anything about their interactions, good or bad, even if it might be helpful to others. Sometimes older women hold back because they don’t feel qualified: they feel like they’d have to “have it all together” in order to say anything. Years ago at a ladies meeting when I wanted to set up a panel discussion and entertain some questions about how to love one’s husband, I had a hard time getting anyone to be on the panel for this reason: everyone felt their own need of instruction, no matter how old they were or how long they had been married. Some things I wrote in an earlier post, Why Older Women Don’t Serve (in the church), come into play here as well: sometimes older women in the “sandwich generation” are taking care of elderly parents or facing their own health issues. Sometimes, honestly, they don’t feel wanted. I’ve shared before that I was stunned when a younger mom shared with me that the younger women didn’t come to our ladies’ meetings because all the ladies there were “older.” My first thought was, “Well, of course that’s the case if the younger women don’t come.” I was admittedly hurt and my confidence was shaken. We weren’t that much older: this lady was in her early 30s and most of the ladies who attended the meetings were in their 40s and 50s. I wrestled for a long time with how to make our meeting topics and luncheon themes and decorations more contemporary and appealing to younger women, but I’ve always had a little hesitancy since then in dealing with younger women, feeling that they don’t really want to be around me. Aimee Byrd touched on the fact that older women bloggers are out there, but they don’t get as much notice because everyone follows after younger women bloggers (many of whom are doing a wonderful job.). Perhaps older women just need to be encouraged that we really do want to hear them.

So to younger women who are seeking Titus 2 women in their lives, I would say this:

First of all, pray for God’s guidance, direction, and provision.
Second, look around among the women in your church or family.
Observe. In every stage and season of my life, God has placed ladies just ahead of me that I have learned much from just by observing.
Interact with them, whether going to ladies’ meetings, talking with them at baby showers, asking them over for lunch or dinner, etc.
Feel free to ask questions. They’re much more willing to share when they know their thoughts are wanted.
Don’t expect perfection. You won’t find it. No one is faultless. In addition, sometimes an older woman will share something with you that offends you. Sometimes that’s because we are not willing to change in an area we need to; sometimes it’s because the older woman was not terribly gracious. In a post that has stayed with me for years, Courtney Joseph told about someone confronting her about modesty in not the most gracious way, but to her credit, Courtney took to heart the things she said because truth rose above the attitudes (her follow-up post here encourages readers to extend grace even when others have not acted graciously towards us. That’s what grace does.)
Don’t expect a fairy godmother. In some source I forgot to note, one woman lamenting not having Titus 2 woman in her life wanted someone to come into her home, watch her children, help her with housework, answer all her questions, and solve all her problems.
Be teachable. When I looked up the Greek word translated “teach” in Titus 2:4, the definitions listed were:

1. restore one to his senses

2. to moderate, control, curb, disciple

3. to hold one to his duty

4. to admonish, to exhort earnestly

Most of us wouldn’t mind that from a book or speaker, but would hold at arm’s length, or even be offended, at someone trying to do these things on a personal level. Incidentally, this is the only occasion this word is used in the New Testament.

Glean. Sometimes you’ll get different opinions from different older women whom you respect and who both love the Lord. This was hard for me as a young mom until I hit upon the idea of gleaning – kindly listening and then taking from their advice what would best work for our family and leaving the rest.
Read. I’ve probably benefited as much, if not more, from reading books written by godly older woman as I have from personal interaction, both books specifically designed to teach Titus 2:3-5 as well as biographies and even, in some cases, Christian fiction.

To older (however you define that) women, wondering how to go about living out Titus 2:3-5:

Concentrate on being before doing. Notice verse 3, which we often gloss over to get to the rest, talks about an older woman’s character. Holiness, self-control, discretion, concern for others, truthfulness, and being willing to share with others are all a part of what we need to cultivate in our own lives.
Be aware that younger women will probably observe your actions long before they ask you specific questions. Don’t do anything for “show,” but be mindful of your example, seek God’s grace to be a good one, and confess to Him (and anyone else involved) when you fail. Seeing how someone handles a failure can be as instructive as anything else.
Pray for God’s guidance, direction, and grace.
Remember the source of wisdom and the way He wants us to share it: “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him” (James 1:5); “But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy” (James 3:17); “But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption” (1 Corinthians 1:30).
Don’t wait for perfection. That won’t happen til you get to heaven. Women need examples and instructions from women with the same struggles and faults they have so they’ll know they can seek God’s grace, forgiveness, and help with them.
Seek ways to interact with and develop relationships with younger women. Show interest. Sometimes that might mean seeking them out at a church function rather than the friend you always talk to. Sometimes that might mean extending hospitality. A couple of women I know minister specifically to younger women, one by offering to babysit, the other by offering to help out at home for a few days after a baby is born. Those might not be your way of ministry, but God will direct you in what you can do. And He may not lead you into an “official” ministry, but just being available and encouraging, being a conduit for that “word in due season,” is a great help in itself.
If you feel a younger woman does need confrontation in some area, pray much about it first and seek to have a gracious attitude. Don’t assume her motives are wrong: maybe she was never instructed or hasn’t thought about the issue. It’s usually best to speak from the position of a relationship with the person rather than from that of an acquaintance, to talk with that person privately, and not to discuss their issues with anyone else.
Don’t fall into the trap of seeming as though the way things were done “in our day” are the only way they can ever be done.
Don’t cross the line into being a busybody.
Somehow we usually think of these verses in regard to newly married women or young moms. But don’t forget about single ladies and middle-aged ladies. I’d love to see more writing from godly women about handling an aging body, parenting adult children, being a mother-in-law, caring for aging parents, preparing for “old” age, etc.
Realize that younger women do want to hear from you.