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About Barbara Harper

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Book Review: Granny Brand

Granny BrandI first came across Granny Brand by Dorothy Clarke Wilson some 25-30 years ago after reading the same author’s biography of “Granny’s” son, Paul Brand,  Ten Fingers For God. At that time the ladies’ group of the church we attended had an extensive collection of missionary biographies that we could check out at the monthly ladies’ meetings. It was through that venue that I read both books, so I did not own them. I thought about both of them when I was doing the 31 Days of Missionary Stories, but it had been so long since I had read them, I thought it would be better to wait to discuss them til I had a chance to read them again. I found used copies and enjoyed revisiting Granny’s life. The book about Paul was actually written first, and the author met his mother in the course of her research and wanted to write about her, too. Granny agreed at first, and then changed her mind and started to write her own book, and finally gave permission but asked the author to wait until her death.

Granny Brand began life as Evelyn Harris. She was born the ninth of eleven children into a strict but loving well-to-do Christian family in 1879. She had “the eyes and soul of an artist,” and all through her life would stop to paint or sketch beloved sites. But though she loved her art, it didn’t fully satisfy. She had been raised doing charitable works, but she wanted to do more. Various events turned her eyes towards missions, especially a booklet by a young missionary named Jesse Brand, who ministered in India. Not coincidentally, that very same Jesse Brand came to speak at her church. She was over 30 when she told her father she was called to missions. He had wanted to keep at least some of his daughters close by and brought forth various arguments as to why she should stay, but finally, “He understood. It was his own stern creed of obedience to a higher Will that she was determined to follow” (p. 34).

Though at her farewell party someone remarked that “She looks more like an actress than a missionary” (p. 35), it didn’t take her long to lay aside her finery and immerse herself into the work and life in India. There she unexpectedly met up again with Jesse Brand, though he was assigned to another area. When they parted, they began a correspondence which blossomed into love, and when he proposed, she agreed to join him in marriage and his work.

Their wedding night was typical of her response to life: they started on a long journey to Jesse’s home, first 5 miles in wagon drawn by a pony, then in a dholi. I tried to find an image online to share, but none of them looks like the picture in the book, which shows a long length of canvas with poles through openings on both sides, which were carried by four men. The passenger would recline along the length of the fabric and be jostled up and down, back and forth, hanging onto the poles while the men walked…or ran…up and down steep mountain paths. First the heat wilted her clothing, then a deluge drenched her, the higher mountain air chilled her (no one had told her she might need warmer clothing there). Then they walked over a narrow trail with thorns tearing her skirt and branches slapping her face. Finally they trekked across a muddy rice field, and when they arrived, she thought, “Life is not going to be easy. It’s good all this happened. I may as well know it now.” “But she had not come here for an easy time. She had come for love of God, and of these hill people, and of the man whose strong arms were now lifting and carrying her over the threshold” (p. 48).

Jesse was a man of many talents, with skill in medicine, building, and planting, all put to use in ministering to the people and helping them improve their lives. Evelyn’s medical skills were more homeopathic, but they worked together smoothly. One boy was saved early on, but it was six long years later before any other converts. A priest who had actively opposed their message and work became ill and asked them to take his children when he died, as they would otherwise be left to die. His own “swamis” deserted him in his hour of need, and he now believed “Yesu-swami” was the one true God. His conversion and the Brands’ care of his daughter began to crack the door open for the gospel, and eventually more believed and a church was started.

Jesse and Evelyn took in many more children, had two of their own, and had many fruitful years in the “mountains of death,” until, nearly 14 years after their marriage, Jesse contacted malaria, which turned into blackwater fever, and died.

Evelyn was devastated and, after making arrangements for the work, went back to England for a time. But she was called to India, not just to Jesse, and wanted to go back. There were five mountain ranges that she and Jesse had dreamed of bringing the gospel to, and she wanted to continue on.

The mission board had a policy against sending a missionary back to a field that another missionary had taken over because of the understandable rifts that could arise, but Evelyn argued that this work was begun by herself and Jesse and much of their own money had been poured into it. They had built it up with their own hands. The board relented and let her go, and though she loved being back in her beloved hills, and the people loved having her, indeed “this five-year term…was filled with tensions and frustrations.” The missionary couple who came to take over the work “were capable and dedicated, but they were not Jesse Brand, and of course their methods were there own. It was inevitable that differences of opinion should arise between them and one who for sixteen years had been co-creator, co-manager, co-builder of every enterprise in the beloved complex – one who, moreover, could be neither meek nor silent when she felt a principle was at stake” (p. 113).

Meanwhile Evelyn did want to press on to the other ranges. She took camping trips to scout them out. Long used to simple, even stark living, all she could see was the exciting possibilities, while some of those she took with her could only see the hardships. But she persevered. The board wanted her to retire at 68, but after a year she resigned from the board and remained in India independently. She was 84 when she moved to her third mountain range. She continued taking in children, caring for the sick, fighting the production of kanja (marijuana), riding a pony from village to village, and sharing the gospel. She added two more mountain ranges to the original five she wanted to reach. Somewhere along the way people started calling her “Granny Brand,” though she scoffed at the thought of being old until relatively late in life.

She experienced sicknesses, broken bones from falls, and when carriers accidentally knocked her head against a rock and she never regained her balance afterward, she walked with the aid of two long sticks. Whenever she was in the hospital, she disobeyed orders to stay in her bed and went from room to room via wheelchair or pulled herself along the floor to visit other patients, share the gospel, and encourage them.

When her 95th birthday was approaching, she was afraid people would praise her for continuing to work at her age. She wrote to her son, Paul: “I am not wonderful.  I am just a poor, old, frail, and weak woman.  God has taken hold of me and gives me the strength I need each day.  He uses me just because I know that I have no strength of my own.  Please tell the people to praise God, not me.” God took her home before that birthday, but those words would continue to express her desire.

She wasn’t perfect and never would have claimed to be. She was opinionated, feisty, independent, and strong-willed, all qualities which can good but can also be a problem in some situations. But because she yielded herself to God, He transformed her and used her to touch many lives for His glory, in her lifetime and still today.

(This will also be linked to Semicolon‘s Saturday Review of Books.)

Book Review: When Mother Was Eleven-Foot-Four

eleven foot fourWhen Mother Was Eleven-Foot-Four by Jerry Camery-Hoggatt caught my eye when it was free for the Kindle app at the time. I didn’t realize it was a children’s book, but as I think C. S. Lewis said, the best children’s books are enjoyable to adults as well, and this one definitely is.

This is the story of the Christmas of 1963 for the author’s family. His mother was a tiny woman, only four-foot-eleven and about 100 lbs., but when she drew herself up to her full height, she seemed eleven-foot-four. One full-height moment was when she stared down a black-clad, tattooed biker who was making threats against her: “He blinked first.”

Mother loved everything about Christmas: the multitudes of ornaments, with a story behind every one, the symbols and meanings of everything they did for the season. She was romantic and extravagant, because she believed God was. Father  was a realist because he believed God was. Father was a man of principle, inflexible because, after all, how can a man of principle compromise his principles? And some of his strongest principles revolved around Christmas: he felt it was too commercial and that Santa’s list-keeping of good boys and girls gave the wrong idea that gifts were earned. So every year they clashed over Christmas, ending with Father compromising for Mother…

…Until one Christmas, when everything changed. Poverty and grief hung heavily over the family, and it looked like there would be no Christmas celebrating. That’s when Mother’s boys learned what Christmas giving really meant, and learned that both parents were right.

I can’t tell you much more than that, because it’s a very short book, but it’s very sweet and not at all sappy like some of the made-for-TV Christmas movies. I especially loved the author’s last couple of pages of reflections.

I just discovered the hardback version, which is apparently out of print, but the glimpse of its illustrations made me seek out a used copy. I think this book is going to become a yearly tradition.

(Updated to add: there was one aspect of the story that bothered me that I couldn’t really put into words until a day or so after posting the review. Though traditions are important, I did have trouble with Mother in the story fighting with Father over them and then going beyond what he compromised to say she could do. It sounded like, with their two strong personalities and different views, this was a regular thing, not just at Christmas, which is probably what led to the father leaving (which is what caused the grief mention that one Christmas). The mother did say later that she wished she had done better by him, so maybe she realized that as well (though of course the fault for the marriage break-up wasn’t entirely hers). As this is a story from a child’s point of view about learning to give at Christmas, the author doesn’t go into analyzing all of that: he appropriately just mentions what is necessary to this particular story.)

(This will also be linked to Semicolon‘s Saturday Review of Books.)

Mary’s Song

Jesus-Mary-Joseph

Blue homespun and the bend of my breast
keep warm this small hot naked star
fallen to my arms. (Rest…
you who have had so far to come.)
Now nearness satisfies
the body of God sweetly. Quiet he lies
whose vigor hurled a universe. He sleeps
whose eyelids have not closed before.

His breath (so slight it seems
no breath at all) once ruffled the dark deeps
to sprout a world. Charmed by dove’s voices,
the whisper of straw, he dreams,
hearing no music from his other spheres.
Breath, mouth, ears, eyes
he is curtailed who overflowed all skies,
all years. Older than eternity, now he
is new. Now native to earth as I am, nailed
to my poor planet, caught
that I might be free, blind in my womb
to know my darkness ended,
brought to this birth for me to be new-born,
and for him to see me mended
I must see him torn.

~ Luci Shaw

Laudable Linkage and Videos

Here are some good reads from the last couple of weeks:

Christmas Is For Those Who Hate It Most.

God May Not Have a Wonderful Plan for Your Life. He does, in the sense that He made it possible for us to go to heaven when we repent and believe He sent His Son to take our sins on the cross, and He has promised to be with us in this life, but some things in life are hard. The Bible said they would be, and we can give people the wrong picture of Christianity and rub salt in an open wound sometimes by spouting phrases like this.

God’s Heavenly, Glorious Melting Power. Ways to keep devotions from becoming mechanical.

Scowling at the Angel. “There in my brokenness I had so little to give. But grace, she never left. She met me in all my frailty, raw and wrathful, as exposed and defenseless as the day I was born.”

The Needs of Three Women. Being ministered to while ministering to the homeless.

3 Marks of Righteous Anger.

Daily Scriptures to Help Tame the Tongue.

The Story of Gwen and Marlene. This is a theme I have mentioned often, that women’s ministry is not always in specific programs. It’s mostly a matter of being available and interested in others.

Inhospitable Hospitality.

Our Love-Hate Relationship With Christian Art. “Christian art? Are you kidding me? Christianity has produced the greatest art of all time.”

A Letter to an “Expectant” Adoptive Mom. Great advice from one who has gone through the process not only of adopting, but adopting internationally.

How to Get People to Read the Bible Without Making Them Feel Dumb.

Union With Christ in Marriage. “Paul doesn’t give us commands to extract from the other spouse. Instead, Paul instructs us in the graces to give!”

What Foster Parents Wish Other People Knew.

It Takes a Pirate to Raise a Child, HT to Bobbi. Loved this – about how children’s stories shape their ideas of right and wrong, e.g., telling the author’s son that he was acting like Edmund in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe  helped him understand his behavior towards his siblings was wrong when explaining and exhorting wasn’t getting through.

Merry Literary Christmas. 🙂

A couple of fun videos:

An two year old with amazing basketball skills:

Captain Picard and crew sing a Christmas song:

And a nice summary of The Paradox of Christmas:

Happy Saturday!

Friday’s Fave Five

christmas FFF

Welcome to Friday’s Fave Five, hosted by Susanne at Living to Tell the Story, in which we can share five of our favorite things from the last week, a wonderful exercise in looking for and appreciating the good things God blesses us with. Click on the button to learn more, then go to Susanne’s to read others’ faves and link up your own.

It’s beginning to look and feel and sound a lot more like Christmas! Here are a few highlights since last week:

1. Ladies’ Christmas party. The Christmas party for our ladies from church was last Friday, and I especially enjoyed the fellowship and the testimonies. A favorite moment: the songleader asked us for favorite Christmas carols to sing, and someone volunteered “As the Deer.” The songleader gently explained that we wanted Christmas songs, and someone said, “As the Reindeer, then.” 🙂

2. The children’s Christmas program at church was Sunday night. They always do the Nativity story and sing various songs, and it’s always cute, especially the littlest ones dressed up in pajama-type costumes to represent the animals in the stable. This year it seemed like there were a record number of parents there from our church’s van ministry whose children come to the children’s ministry, and I pray that the gospel message found its way to their hearts.

3. Online shopping. Love it! Much nicer than traveling place to place to place to shop, though I do like to get out and about for Christmas shopping a little bit. And then all the packages coming in the mail as a result is fun, too. 🙂

4. Progress. When I realized that, with the lateness of Thanksgiving this year, we had just a few short weeks until Christmas, I almost started to panic, but this week I got most of my shopping done (thanks to online shopping! 🙂 ) and am almost finished with my Christmas cards and letters, so I am feeling pretty good about the Christmas schedule now.

5. Cake pops. Just discovered these yesterday. I had been wanting something chocolate and cakey, but I don’t dare buy or bake a whole cake for just the three of us, and when I saw this, I thought, “That’s it! Just what I want!”

nlHappy Friday!

A New Christmas Meme

Do any of you remember when bloggers used to do this kind of thing all the time – make up memes or questionnaires that others could chime in on or use on their own blogs? Those were fun – I guess maybe people just don’t have time for them as much as they once did.

But some fun questions came to mind this week, so I thought I’d make up a new one. If you’d like to copy these questions and use them on your own blog, you are welcome to. I’d appreciate a link back with acknowledgement as the originator of it, but it’s not like I am going to hunt you down if you don’t. 🙂 If you’d like to answer in the comments, or just leave a comment without answering the questions yourself, or just choose a few of the questions, that’s fine as well.

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 What is your favorite Christmas song? Hymn: “Infant Holy, Infant Lowly.” Secular: “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas.”

Favorite Christmas special/movie? Charlie Brown Christmas, White Christmas.

What kind of special goodies do you make in December? Harvest Loaf Cake is a must.

Harvest Loaf cake

I also sometimes make gingerbread teddy bears:

We used to do decorated sugar cookies when the kids were little, mainly for fun and the experience of it, but I was never particularly good at those and marveled at how some of my friends could make them look so beautiful.

Favorite Christmas beverage? Apple cider. It’s not exclusive to Christmas, of course, but that’s usually when I have it. The rest of the family likes eggnog, but I think it’s nasty stuff.

How many Christmas parties do you usually attend? Usually just two, the church ladies’ Christmas party and our adult Sunday School Christmas party. This year we’re putting off the SS one until January both to reduce some of the busyness of the season plus to have something to look forward to after it’s all over. In some years we’ve had choir or deacon Christmas parties, depending on what we were involved in during any given year. One friend used to have after-Christmas parties for the same reason mentioned earlier

Do you go Christmas caroling? Does anyone come Christmas caroling to your house? We don’t go caroling although we have occasionally in past years. Last year some folks from church went out caroling to all the “at-home” members who can’t make it out to services, and they included my mother-in-law for that at her assisted living place. She’s at our home now, and they are planning to do that again, so I imagine we’ll benefit from some carolers then.

What’s on your front door at Christmas? For the past 2 or 3 years it has been this wreath I made, inspired by one designed by Charlotte Lyons in Amy Powers’ Inspired Ideas Christmas magazine (p. 26).

When do you put the tree up and take it down? Nowadays we put it up after Thanksgiving because Jeremy is here then and the whole family can decorate together. We didn’t used to get it up until a couple of weekends into December, but I like doing it after Thanksgiving – we can enjoy it longer plus it’s less stressful to get it up earlier rather than mid-December when there are a ton of things going on (or used to be, when the kids were home and had Christmas programs, recitals, and parties both at school and church). We don’t have a particular time to take it down – just whenever we can get to it, usually within a week or so after Christmas.

Do you decorate with traditional red and green or with other colors? We have a variety of colors. I don’t have much red in my home, so I try to de-emphasize red a bit, but we do have both red and green as well as other colors. We have a lot of blue because the family room, where the Christmas tree is, has a lot of blue. There is also some silver and gold and white and a little pink. 🙂 I have a little pink-decorated tree on my desk.

How many Christmas trees do you put up (large and small?) The main big one is in the family room.

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I have three little ones: the pink one I mentioned on my desk:

A miniature tree in the dining room on the dry sink:

And a small one on the living room end table in front of the window:

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Are your Christmas tree decorations themed or hodgepodge? Hodgepodge. I like it that way. 🙂 When I was growing up, a lot of families had a themed or more formally decorated tree in the living room (remember the white or aluminum ones with the circular multi-colored disk that would revolve and throw different colors onto it? We never had those but many did) and a more hodgepodge “family” tree in the family room. My own family always had just the family one.

Ham, turkey, both, or something else for Christmas dinner? Usually ham with cheesy potatoes, some kind of vegetable, rolls, and apple and pumpkin pie.

Favorite ham leftovers? Swiss Ham Ring Around:

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Do you have any Christmas traditions that are unusual, out of the ordinary? Not that I can think of, except that we like to have these snacks during the Christmas season which aren’t in themselves Christmasy: Chicken in a Bisket crackers, spray cheese, and Pirouette cookies. Plus in our old house, there was a hook in the ceiling right above where we put the tree, where I guess the previous owners must have had a house plant or hanging lamp, and the boys would always put a snowflake ornament there above the tree. Our house now doesn’t have that, so they are creative about finding ways to hang that snowflake. And we continue to use some of our misfit ornaments – those are some of their favorites.

Otherwise we’re pretty traditional, I think. 🙂

Do you display Christmas cards in particular way? I used to hang them up on a garland until we moved to a house where there wasn’t a place to hang one, so for a few years I kept them in a basket. This year we’ve found a place to hang a garland up again, so I am looking forward to having them displayed again. I enjoy having them out like that to enjoy more than the momentary opening. A lot of families have to just sending a Christmas letter instead of a card rather than in a card – I’ll probably keep those in a basket.

What do you do with the Christmas cards you received after the holidays are over? I’m actually asking this question to get some ideas. 🙂 I hate to throw them away. I usually keep them in a stack for a while and then go through and throw some out and keep the particularly meaningful ones (if I kept every single one, they’d just end up in a box in the attic and no one would ever go through them). When the kids were little I kept them, thinking the next year we’d use them to cut off the fronts and make a collage – but we never got around to that. 🙂

Christmas newsletters: Love ’em or hate ’em? I love them. I enjoy hearing what’s gone on with friends during the year. Some times they share things I didn’t know about, sometimes I enjoy reviewing in a condensed form what I already knew about.

There you have it! Let me know if you do these on your blog and I’ll come see what you have to say.

Christmas Grief

I first wrote this three years ago, but I’ve reposted it before and am doing so again this year, because it seems like almost every year I run into someone having a hard time over the holidays, and maybe this will help. I’ve edited it a bit so the time frames are current.
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Grave at Christmas

December could be a rather gloomy month for my family. My mother passed away Dec. 10 eight years ago, my father Dec. 12 fifteen years ago, and my grandmother Christmas Eve a few years prior to that, leading my brother to exclaim once that he just wanted to cancel the whole month. In more recent years the husband of a good college friend passed away in December 21 on our anniversary, and our family dog died the same day.

The death of a loved any any time of year can shadow the whole Christmas season as we miss our normal interactions with that loved one, and several years later, though maybe the pangs aren’t quite as sharp, they’re still there, and it’s not abnormal to be caught off guard by a memory or a longing leading to a good crying jag.

When someone is grieving over the holidays, they may not want to participate in some of the “normal” happy pastimes. It’s not that they don’t ever laugh or enjoy gatherings. But as Sherry said yesterday, “I am enjoying the traditional holiday celebrations, and at the same time they move me to tears, sad tears for things that have been lost this year. I am singing the music, and yet I’m tired of the froth of jingling bells and pa-rumpumpum.” I remember almost wishing that we still observed periods of mourning with wearing black or some sign of “Grief in progress” — not to rain on anyone else’s good time, but just to let people know there was woundedness under the surface, and just as physical wounds need tenderness while healing, so do emotional ones. Normally I love baby and bridal showers and make it a point to attend, but for several months after my mom’s death I did not want to go to them. I rejoiced with those who rejoiced…but just did not want to rejoice in quite that way. I first heard the news of my mom’s death during our adult Sunday School Christmas party, and the next year I just did not want to attend – the grief was still too close to the surface and would probably erupt in that setting where I first heard the news. Even just three years ago when our ladies’ Christmas party was on the anniversary of my mom’s death, I was concerned that at some point during the evening I would have to find the restroom and lock myself in to release some tears (though thankfully that did not happen).

Other events can cast a pall over Christmas: illness, job loss, a family estrangement, etc. One Christmas we were all sick as dogs, and my father-in-law had just had a major health crisis and wanted us to come up from SC to ID to visit. There was just no way we could drag ourselves onto a plane until antibiotics had kicked in a few days later, but we did go, and if I remember correctly, that was the last time any of us except my husband saw him alive, so in retrospect we were glad we went, though it wasn’t the merriest of Christmases. A good friend grieved over “ruining” her family’s Christmas by being in the hospital with a severe kidney infection. Lizzie wrote about visiting her husband in prison for Christmas. Quilly commented yesterday about being homeless one Christmas. Yet both Lizzie and Quilly mentioned reasons for rejoicing in the midst of those circumstances.

If you’re grieving this Christmas, don’t feel guilty if you’re not quite into the “froth” this year.  One quote I shared on a Week In Words post earlier had to do with giving yourself time to heal. On the other hand, there may be times to go through with the holiday festivities for family’s sake — and, truly, those times can help keep you from the doldrums. Sherry shared how making a list of reasons to celebrate Christmas helped. Look for the good things to rejoice in. Don’t let the grief turn you into a Scrooge who hates Christmas: your loved one who is gone probably wouldn’t want that to happen. I think they’d probably prefer that you  enjoy the best parts of the season while still remembering them in it. E-mom left a valuable comment yesterday that we can treasure up the memories of good Christmases to tide us over the not so good ones, and then look forward to better things ahead. And as I said yesterday, remember that the first Christmas was not all about the froth, either, but was messy, lonely, and painful, yet out of it was born the Savior of the world and the hope of mankind. Rejoice in that hope and promise. Draw near to Him who has borne our griefs and carries our sorrows until grief and sorrow are done away forever.

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Let the Stable Still Astonish

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Let the Stable Still Astonish

Let the stable still astonish:
Straw-dirt floor, dull eyes,
Dusty flanks of donkeys, oxen;
Crumbling, crooked walls;
No bed to carry that pain,

And then, the child,
Rag-wrapped, laid to cry
In a trough.
Who would have chosen this?
Who would have said: “Yes,
Let the God of all the heavens and earth
Be born here, in this place”?
Who but the same God
Who stands in the darker, fouler rooms
of our hearts and says, “Yes,
let the God of Heaven and Earth
be born here–
in this place.”– Leslie Leyland Fields

Friday’s Fave Five

christmas FFF

Welcome to Friday’s Fave Five, hosted by Susanne at Living to Tell the Story, in which we can share five of our favorite things from the last week, a wonderful exercise in looking for and appreciating the good things God blesses us with. Click on the button to learn more, then go to Susanne’s to read others’ faves and link up your own.

I apologize if several posts with no content popped up in your feed readers from me yesterday. Every time I hit “Publish” or “Save Draft,” everything would disappear except the title. I tried several times and put in a note with the WordPress forums, with no help from that quarter yet, but I am hoping it was a temporary fluke and that everything will work like it it supposed to today.

Here are some favorite parts of the last week or so:

1. Praise service. This was actually the Sunday before Thanksgiving, and I can’t believe I forgot to mention it. In all of the other churches we have been in, the Wednesday or Tuesday before Thanksgiving has always been a time for testimonies about how God has worked in our lives the previous year, and it has always been the highlight of the church year for me. Up to this point our current church provided that time at the end of a fall festival earlier in the month, but not everyone can attend that, and and fewer people can participate since it is at the end of a number of other activities. This month they decided to have it the Sunday night before Thanksgiving, and it was a joy to hear different people share how God met them in the circumstances of the past year.

2. Family time. My oldest son was home for Thanksgiving and stayed until Monday, and everyone else (except Mom 🙂 ) was off until Monday as well, so we enjoyed a nice long weekend of feasting, playing games, decorating for Christmas, and enjoying each other.

3. Dinner at Cheddar’s. Not only is it one of my favorite places to eat, but it was nice to have a break from cooking and dishwashing.

4. Making gingerbread houses. This is a new tradition our daughter-in-law introduced to us. This year we had a Charlie Brown theme.

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5. The end of a bad day. Yesterday was an extremely frustrating day for a number of reasons. The post I was trying to publish yesterday took much longer to write than I had planned, and then the silly thing wouldn’t publish, and I spent a great deal of time trying to get it to. Then I had a couple of mishaps in the kitchen, including burning the caramel for caramel corn (burnt caramel is not a good scent for the home…:)). But that day is over, and hopefully this one will be better.

Book Review: Save Me From Myself: How I Found God, Quit Korn, Kicked Drugs, and Lived to Tell My Story

save me Save Me From Myself: How I Found God, Quit Korn, Kicked Drugs, and Lived to Tell My Story by Brian Welch wasn’t on my radar. I had heard of Korn, but I was never into metal music, never heard them, and did not know any of the band members’ names. But this book caught my eye when it was on sale for a low price for both the Kindle and audiobooks versions, so I thought I’d check it out. I was wary at first about how explicit he might have been about his former life, but Amazon reviews assured that he wasn’t graphic about it.

Brian grew up as an ordinary kid in Bakersfield, CA, who had a passion for music and was a part of several bands before Korn came together and exploded onto the music scene. He first tried drugs at the age of eight with a friend but didn’t get into them heavily until later on. By young adulthood he drank heavily, was addicted to meth, and sometimes tried other drugs. He says that meth was considered a “dirty’ drug but Xanax and prescription drugs were more respectable. He describes an ER doctor bringing drugs to the band, getting high with them all night, and then getting ready to go back to work at the ER the next morning (I would have hated to have been that guy’s patient).

Though he attained his childhood dream of becoming a rock star and loved performing, he found he was unsatisfied. There was an undercurrent of anger in his life beginning with his father’s “Mr. Hyde” moments and his own insecurities from being bullied as child. That was an aspect that caught me by surprise: I think we sometimes think of drug addicts as into it for pleasure and partying and don’t realize that they want the same things everyone else does: a home, a family, someone to love. When relationships fail and when life’s problems surface, it hurts them as deeply as anyone else, and they try to deal with the pain by anesthetizing it with drugs. But the drugs wear off, leaving them depressed, and they know they should stop, but they’re hooked. I also hadn’t realized that meth could leave a user severely depressed as they came off of it, perpetuating a vicious cycle of taking the drug again to numb the pain.

Brian quit several times, but after a time would try it again “just once,” and then “once in a while,” and before long he would be using regularly again. And before we scowl at that, we need to remember how often we’ve decided we need to “cut down” on sweets or TV or social media or whatever, only to pick it all back up again at the slightest provocation. It’s hard enough to break any habit, but when a drug is tailor-made to be physically and mentally addicting, getting off of it for good seems hopeless.

When Brian heard his five year old daughter singing around the house one of Korn’s songs about being addicted to sex, he felt something had to change, but he was so foggy from drug use that he couldn’t think clearly. He was suicidal much of the time that he wasn’t on drugs and felt that the drugs would do him in at some point, but he felt powerless to change anything.

Then God created a perfect storm to draw him to Himself: a real estate business partner who was a Christian shared a Scripture verse with him that spoke to his heart (Matthew 11:28: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest”), he began to run into old friends who had become Christians, he attended a church service with a friend, and he gradually came to a point of believing for himself on the Lord Jesus Christ for salvation. I was almost in tears at this part of the book.

Around the same time he felt he should quit Korn to focus on raising his daughter, and the rest of the book tells of his early “baby steps” as a Christian, his growth, trips to Israel and India, and working on new music.

Sometimes when a celebrity professes faith, we can be wary because we don’t know exactly what they’ve heard or why they’re responding, but as far as I can tell, Brian’s faith is the real deal. Do I agree with every little thing he wrote and has done since? No. 🙂 Some things he wrote caused me to think, “Wow, that’s some good insight,” but then a few paragraphs later I’d wince a bit. He had only been a believer for a couple of years or so when he wrote this, so I pray he will continue to grow in the Lord.

I know some of you would want to be forewarned that there is a bit of bad language scattered through the book. Most of you who have read here long know that the “f word” is usually a deal-breaker for me in books and films, particularly when it is thrown in gratuitously. It’s not just that I don’t like it (though I don’t: I loathe it), but I don’t want words like that floating around in my brain that can then come to the forefront at an inopportune moment, and the more I read them, the more likely it is that they’ll do just that. On the other hand, I have relatives who use such words, and I have to delete about every other post of theirs on Facebook because I don’t want that language on my screen and in my mind, but I can’t unfriend them, because they’re family, after all. I don’t want to be aloof from them and make them feel like they have to clean up their act before I’ll interact with them: that is the complete opposite of the grace of Jesus Christ. Sometimes we have to take people where they are. Brian did say at some point in the book that God was working on him about cussing, and hopefully as he grows in the Lord, God will speak to him about the language of Christians.

There is another issue I wanted to comment on mainly because I feel a responsibility when I mention a book here, because sometimes people have bought books on my recommendation, and I don’t want anyone to get the mistaken idea that I am promoting something in a book that I’m not. That issue in this book is speaking in tongues. The pastor and church Brian was initially under were not charismatic, but later he came under some charismatic teaching and followed it. I know there are good people on both sides of this issue: some of our relatives that we are closest to in other doctrinal issues we would differ from in this. I don’t doubt anyone’s salvation or sincerity if they speak in tongues (though we have had people doubt ours because we don’t), but I personally believe there is a good case for believing that some of the miraculous “sign” gifts like tongues, prophecies, etc., ceased once the Bible was completed. I wrestled with this a lot in my early Christian days after reading The Cross and the Switchblade and being exposed to some charismatic television. I even called in to the TV show one day, and I don’t remember if the person on the line asked me if I was saved or believed in the Lord: they asked me if I had spoken in tongues. They tried to get me to come out with a few syllables to get things going. Alone in my room I prayed that if this was something God had for me, that He would allow it to happen, and I was disappointed when nothing happened. It took me a while to realize He answered my prayer, and that He didn’t have that for me. I don’t think that the modern charismatic movement is much like the tongues-speaking in the book of Acts: there was no trying to work it up by mouthing a few syllables there, and according to Acts 2, the tongues were actual languages that the speaker didn’t know but the hearer did. I do agree with Brian when he writes that God is not going to love you more if you do or don’t speak in tongues.

I would also say to him, if I could, that though I understand his frustration over factions of Christians fighting over doctrinal issues, that doesn’t mean they’re not important and that we can chuck them overboard. The Bible has much to say about sound doctrine, and the apostles spent a lot of time correcting false doctrine. We are all at different stages of our understanding level and maturity level, so there are going to be differences of opinion. I’ve mentioned ere before that years ago when I read 50 People Every Christian Should Know by Warren Wiersbe, I was struck by the fact that many of the people he mentioned were on opposites sides of the fence on some issues, yet God mightily used all of them. That doesn’t mean those issues aren’t important: each of us is responsible to study them out before the Lord. But people can differ on some side issues and still be friends and love God and be greatly used by Him.

Brian’s style of writing is conversational and easy to read. I was immensely blessed by hearing how God brought Brian to Himself. I was a little dismayed to read that in recent years he has gone back to playing with Korn, in that the lifestyle as well as the lyrics of their old songs (at least what little I know of them from what he says of them) do not seem conducive to Christian life and growth. I hope he’s not setting himself up for a fall. Yes, as he said in an interview, Jesus did hang out with sinners, but the Bible also tells us there are some things to flee and some things to follow. But I do pray he continues to grow in the Lord and to shine for Him, and I wish him all the best.

(This will also be linked to Semicolon‘s Saturday Review of Books.)