Repost: The Back Burner

Posted on January 29, 2015 by Barbara Harper

I’ve had some other obligations this week that have taken much of my computer time: I’ve been thinking about and working on some other posts, but they need to incubate a while longer. Meanwhile, this morning this post came back to mind, and I thought I’d share it again. Sometimes I chafe that there are still things on the back burner that I thought I’d be able to get to when my children got older. I have to accept that the circumstances God has me in are His will for me now, and if those other desires are truly from Him, He’ll make a way for them in His time. So even though the major thrust of this article has to do with parenting, it applies in any area where God wants us to wait on His timing.

This is one of the few articles I’ve had published. It appeared in Frontline magazine’s July-August 2005 issue. I wrote to Frontline asking permission to reprint the article here in January of 2008, which they granted: I am going to assume that permission extends to this repost as well.

The Back Burner

Every mother, particularly one who has very small children, can get discouraged sometimes. Even though a woman has looked forward to being a mother all her life and delights in her child, there are those days when she feels she is accomplishing nothing beyond wiping noses and changing diapers, when she feels her mind is turning to mush after reading Dr. Seuss and Curious George all day, when she longs to do something “important.” Certain intellectual and creative pursuits have to be put on the back burner because there are only so many hours in the day. Even some ministry opportunities have to wait until the children are a bit older. It is easy to lament what we can’t do.

Of course, young mothers are not the only ones who have to put things on the back burner. Newlyweds, new teachers, students, young singles getting started in a career, middle-aged children taking care of an elderly parent, and any number of other life situations will cause us to have to focus on the business at hand and delay other pursuits. But motherhood is the area through which the Lord taught me about the back burner.

Some 15-20 years ago I read something in a secular women’s magazine that greatly encouraged me and has stayed with me ever since. Unfortunately, I can’t remember even what magazine it was, much less what author. The writer was talking those things that have to be put on the back burner. But, she wrote, what is usually on the back burner when we are cooking? Isn’t it something that has to simmer awhile, that is all the richer in flavor for the time it spent there on the back burner? The meat gets tender, the flavors blend, the smell wafts though the house, and we can hardly wait until dinnertime.

Oh, dear mother….what you are doing is vitally important. Your little one may not remember the specific things you did together or all your loving care in their early childhood, but those loving ministrations laid the foundation for your future relationship. The time you spend together reading, playing, rocking, feeding, nurturing a new little life that God has given to you to care for is precious.

As the children get older, their need of your care is still vital, though it is different from when they were small. Instead of feeling isolated at home, you may feel you are nearly living out of your car with all the places you have to take your children to. We have to keep a balance between giving them opportunities and spreading everyone too thin, but some of those times in the car can be precious as well. One of my sons does not open up to me if I sit across the table from him and ask him how things are going in his life, but a casual conversation or observation made while we are out and about can give me glimpses into his heart. Sometimes children feel a little freer to open up while we’re driving.

Someone once said, “With children, the days are long, but the years are short.” That is all too true. You have heard it before, but they do grow up so fast. You always have a ministry with them and an influence on them, but your main years of training them are when they are little. Redeem the time and enjoy it to the hilt.

Don’t worry about those things on the back burner. Give them a stir every now and then. Perhaps you can skim over the newspaper headlines or watch some of the evening news with your husband, or spend 15 minutes or so a day reading a good book to stimulate your mind. Buy a craft kit, take a class, jot down story ideas, or somehow “stir the pot” of whatever your areas of interest are. Take advantage of opportunities to get together with other ladies for fellowship. Explore what ministry opportunities you can within the constraints of your situation, but remember that ministry doesn’t only take place within the four walls of the church: getting to know your neighbor, inviting another mother from the baseball league to church, baby-sitting for another mother for a doctor’s appointment, giving a tract to the repairman are all outlets through which the Lord can use you as well as being an example to your children.

Then, as you stir those things on the back burner from time to time, perhaps you can take a small taste to test the readiness of it. After all, if you start to write the next great novel, and find the timing still isn’t right, you can let it simmer a little longer.

Don’t get discouraged if other women seem to have all their burners going at once, accomplishing things right and left. I used to lament that I couldn’t do as much as some other ladies til I finally had to come to grips with the fact that God made us with different capacities, abilities, and personalities.

Ultimately we have to entrust those back burner issues to our loving Lord and ask His guidance as to when and how to proceed with them. There may be some things He wants us to relinquish completely, and here our back burner analogy breaks down: there are some things He never intended for us to pursue, and we have to set aside what was a personal desire that was not His will. We have to remind ourselves that, no matter how strong and even good a desire was, if it is not God’s will, it would not have been good for us and may actually have been harmful and taken away from what He did have for us to do. On the other hand, we can’t let the back burner become a place of excuses and, due to laziness or fear, place things there that the Lord does want us to pursue now. How can we know the difference? By walking with him day by day, seeking His guidance, asking Him to open doors He wants open and close doors He wants closed. When it is His timing to finally serve one of those “back burner” dishes, it will indeed be “just right.”

Laudable Linkage

Posted on January 24, 2015 by Barbara Harper

Its been another good week with some thought-provoking posts to ponder:

Open Roof Hospitality. Very convicting to me. If I had been the lady of the house whose roof was being torn up so people could bring their paralytic friend to Jesus, my first emotion would not have been gratitude and joy, I’m sure.

Pressing In To the Ungrateful.

Is It Possible For Christians to Idolize the Bible?

Seven Questions to Ask Before Having a Difficult Conversation.

The 3-Second Pause That Can Save a Morning and Spare Some Pain.

Six Observations About Speaking to Pastors Right Before They Preach. Although these are especially true for pastors for obvious reasons, many of them hold true for anyone. Once when my husband was the head usher in a very tightly packed church and was trying to find seats for people right before the service, someone who was also a neighbor chose that moment to tell him that he thought the lawn mower that we often let him borrow had been stolen. Hard to concentrate on anything in the service after that. 🙂

The Do Not Depart site has been focusing this month on what we can learn from the lives of Godly Women: Inspiring Stories of Faithful Daughters, mostly from the past. You know how much I love biographies, so I have enjoyed this series. So far they’ve shared from the lives of Corrie ten Boom, Susanna Wesley, Elisabeth Elliot, Helen Roseveare, Harriet Tubman, and Monica of Hippo (Augustine’s mother).

I saw this on Facebook and thought it rang very true. 🙂

The bad weather that was forecast for last night did not happen, yay! Have a wonderful Saturday!

Laudable Linkage

Posted on January 17, 2015 by Barbara Harper

Here are some noteworthy reads discovered in the last couple of weeks:

My Love List, for when you need to remind yourself of God’s love for you.

One Indispensable Rule for Bible study.

9 Things You Need to Know About Widows.

What Everybody Ought to Know About Moms and Sons.

The Lens of Attention. Loved this.

What to Say to That Immodestly Dressed Girl at Church. Mentioned this last Thursday but wanted to list it here as well.

Stages of Grief: Anger. Alicia has been discussing stages of grief, and Christian ways to handle them, in reference to a life-changing condition.

How to Write Good.

Finally, Carrie shared some bookworm problems earlier this week, and I could identify with many, especially these:

Hope you have a great weekend!

Laudable Linkage

Posted on December 13, 2014 by Barbara Harper

It’s been about a month since I shared interesting reading I’ve found around the Web. Here is what especially caught my eye lately:

Stop Waiting For a Zap. This was one that hit me right between the eyes.

How Salvation Brings Freedom. Excellent.

No Voice Like Yours.

The Tragic Prevalence of Sexual Assault. Best ways to handle the accusation for both parties.

Is It Biblical to Teach Our Kids About Sex?

A Response to “No, You’re Not Running Late. You Are Rude and Inconsiderate.” Good balance. People who are chronically late do need to realize the impact their lateness has on others and work on some time management skills, but we need to be careful not to sit in judgement whenever someone is late, for reasons the author delineates.

Are You Doing Too Much? Something we all need to evaluate periodically, especially if we’re feeling stressed or drained.

The Trail of Bible Documents. A good and clear explanation of them the different manuscripts Bible translators use.

Are You Ignoring Your Mommy Radar?

Finally, this is one of the most beautiful renditions of “Silent Night” I have ever heard. I wish they had done more than the first stanza, but the harmonies and expression are just beautiful.

Happy Saturday!

Laudable Linkage

Posted on November 15, 2014 by Barbara Harper

Here are some noteworthy reads from the last week or so:

“Make No Provision” For Your Yelling. The principles are good for anything you’re trying to overcome.

Which Promises Are For Me? There are many reasons it is not good to pick a promise out of context from Scripture and apply it to a situation it wasn’t meant for. Excellent thoughts from Jen about understanding and applying promises in the Word.

Handsome Lives at My House. Mine, too! 🙂

Imaginations Should Be Exercised.

7 Suggestions For Parenting Adult Children.

And, finally, I lived in Houston for 6 years, and when a fellow former Houstonian posted this on Facebook, it cracked me up. Houston isn’t really that bad when it snows.

Hope you’re having a good Saturday!

Laudable Linkage

Posted on October 25, 2014 by Barbara Harper

Here are some noteworthy reads online discovered in the last few weeks:

Voices That Haunt Us, ways to respond.

The Opposite of the Proverbs 31 Woman.

But Why Does She Get Babies?

Behold Your Mother. Quotes: “Care of parents, particularly in the latter years, is difficult, grueling, and offers little tangible reward. The elderly seem like speed bumps on the road to relevance. But if we really believe each human life was made in the image of God, if we really believe that every human has intrinsic worth, regardless of utility, we’d do better at embodying this ethic when it comes to equipping our people to care for their elderly parents.” “This is why care for the elderly is not simply “the right thing to do” but a vivid portrait of the gospel story. The Holy Spirit in us renews our self-centered motivations, reminding us that Christ cared for our spiritual disability while we were spiritually dead and “yet sinners.”

Ten Things To Do Differently *Before* You Lose Your Temper.

Bleep! Why Christians Shouldn’t Cuss.

5 Bad Substitutes For Discipline.

Dear Moms, Jesus Wants You to Chill Out.

Love Letters. HT to The Story Warren. Quote: “Today all around me I see a stark, utilitarian focus in writing in this age of technology: all must be said to purpose—briefly and efficiently; effortless interaction seems the primary goal as though thoughts are like footballs that simply need punting. Writing is regarded as a chore. Often, so is reading. Extra words, like Mozart’s famous “too many notes,” are regarded as distractions, time-consuming, even burdens on the reader. “Why does Melville ply us with his dense prose so packed with allusions? That is so boring,” I hear my students complain. “Why does Tolstoy carry on endlessly chasing one description after the other? Why can’t he just cut to the chase?” “Why does Tolkien play at length with interwoven plot lines in his wordy fantasies? Why can’t he get to the point?” Why? For one thing, I think it is because ‘the point’ is not the only thing that matters.”

And finally, something fellow book lovers will empathize with:

Happy Saturday! 🙂

31 Days of Inspirational Biography: Sarah Edwards As a Mother

Posted on October 16, 2014 by Barbara Harper

Yesterday I wrote about the marriage of Jonathan and Sarah Edwards from the book Marriage to a Difficult Man by Elisabeth M. Dodds. As I mentioned then, the writer doesn’t mean that Mr. Edwards was “difficult” in the sense of being hard to get along with: she classifies him as a genius (which she feels made him misunderstood by some) but also lacking somewhat in social skills and willing to strongly preach unvarnished truth, which some would have trouble accepting. It is written from a historical viewpoint, so there are all sorts of neat little tidbits about life in that time. In fact, I am fairly sure that the writer is not saved and is writing from a historical interest rather than a Christian one, yet she still conveys the truth of Edward’s beliefs.

Today I want to just focus on a few passages about Sarah as a mother. She had 11 children, which was not unusual for the 1700’s: but what was unusual for the times was that they all lived past childhood. “Every account of the Edwards house has the same ring. All visitors seem to have been impressed that eleven children managed to be lively and individual as personalities, yet could act courteously with one another and function as a coordinated unit…[Sarah’s] way was not at all permissive. The requirements were completely clear. But she at the same time allowed the children areas of flexibility that were unusual for that day.” “A curious feature about the Edwards children is that this firmness did not squash individuality.”

The following four paragraphs are observations of Samuel Hopkins, one of many houseguests of the Edwards’, who lived with them for several months:

She had an excellent way of governing her children; she knew how to make them regard and obey her cheerfully, without loud angry words, much less heavy blows. She seldom punished them; and in speaking to them, used gentle and pleasant words. If any correction was necessary, she did not administer it in a passion; and when she had occasion to reprove and rebuke she would do it in a few words, without warmth and noise…In her directions in matters of importance, she would address herself to the reason of her children, that they might not only know her…will, but at the same time be convinced of the reasonableness of it. She had need to speak but once; she was cheerfully obeyed; murmuring and answering again was not know among them.

In their manners they were uncommonly respectful to their parents. When their parents came into the room they all rose instinctively from their seats and never resumed them until their parents were seated; and when either parent was speaking…they were all immediately silent and attentive. The kind and gentle treatment they received from their mother, while she strictly and punctiliously maintained her parental authority, seemed naturally to…promote a filial respect and affection, and to lead them to a mild tender treatment of each other. Quarreling and contention…were in her family unknown.

She carefully observed the first appearance of resentment and ill will in her young children, towards any person whatever, and did not connive at it…but was careful to show her displeasure and suppress it to the utmost; yet not by angry, wrathful words, which often provoke children to wrath…Her system of discipline was begun at a very early age and it was her rule to resist the first, as a well as every subsequent exhibition of temper or disobedience in the child…wisely reflecting that until a child will obey his parents he can never be brought to obey God.

For [her children] she constantly and earnestly prayed and bore them on her heart before God…and that even before they were born.

“The management of a large busy household took leadership and efficiency. Mothers then had to be administrators, because the food and clothing depended on the mother’s ability to produce it. Sarah had to learn to assign chores…Children then had the advantage of knowing that their chores were indispensable.”

“The Edwardses saw that the children learned to be orderly about money…[Sarah] herself took care to save anything of trifling value, or directed her children…to do so, or when she saw them waste any thing, she would repeat the words of our Savior — ‘THAT NOTHING BE LOST.'” (emphasis the author’s.) Edwards himself wrote sermons on the backs of shopping lists. Paper was precious in those days.

“The Edwardses made it a point to single out individual children from the humming family hive, to get to know each one in turn by himself.”

“Sarah’s way with their children did more than shield [him] from the hullabaloo while he studied…[He] poured his feelings about this in sermons which eventually appeared as a book, Christian Love as Manifested in the Heart and Life,” which I have not yet read.

I am sure the Edwards weren’t perfect and wouldn’t claim to be. Modern biographies tend to show “warts and all” to provide a more real picture of the subject, whereas older biographies did not want to appear unkind or gossipy. In addition, most of the author’s material came through others, as Sarah was not much of a letter-writer and was too busy to keep a journal, and those sources probably did not know or were too kind to spread their faults. Mrs. Dodds does not present them as perfect: she claims they were both very complex individuals. So I think we can assume that all was not idyllic and there was an occasional misunderstanding or cross word, but we can still take inspiration from their walk with God knowing that though they were sinners just like we are, God gave them grace and wisdom in their marriage and the raising of their family.

I mentioned yesterday that the book was out of print, but used copies were available online. I did just find what appears to be a free audio version of the book here. The audio quality is not great – but it’s free. 🙂

For the 31 Days writing challenge, I am sharing 31 Days of Inspirational Biography. You can find others in the series here.

31 Days of Inspirational Biography: One Woman Against the Reich

Posted on October 6, 2014 by Barbara Harper

Sometimes, when we hear of the possibility of future hard times or even persecution, our greatest concerns are for our loved ones. We know from Scripture that God is in control, that He won’t allow anything that He won’t give us the grace to handle, that the “trial of our faith” works patience and endurance in us and glorifies the Lord. From time to time we also hear testimonies of God’s keeping grace during trial.

One such book I discovered some years ago is titled One Woman Against the Reich: The True Story of a Mother’s Struggle to Keep Her Family Faithful to God in a World Gone Mad by Helmut Ziefle. Mr. Ziefle’s parents lived in Germany during WW II; in fact, he was born in April 1939. In the previous years, the Nazi regime had grown, and trials and persecutions had grown for anyone not in agreement with them. There were two older brothers and a sister already in the family before Helmut made his appearance. His brother Kurt, 11, rushed home excited one day to tell his parents he had joined the Hitler Youth Organization. His mother reminded him that he belonged first to Jesus. But he was carried away with excitement. Of course, the youth organization happened to meet at the same time the rest of the family went to church. Hitler is quoted as saying, “In my Teutonic order, a youth will grow up which will frighten the world. I want a fierce, masterful, fearless and ferocious youth. It can’t show any weakness or tenderness. The free and magnificent beast of prey must finally glow again from their eyes.” Can you imagine such a man after the young people of our homes and churches?

Maria, Helmut’s mother, had many concerns to deal with in those days: her children being carried away with Nazism; the possibility of persecution from neighbors when she did not return their “Heil Hitler;” threats against her husband; safety for herself and her family during air raids and bombings; severe scarcity of food; having a baby during all of this; the safety of her two older sons when they became old enough to go into military service, one fighting for Nazism, one against it but having to go nonetheless (the latter son ended up in a Russian POW camp for 5 years, sadly, ironically, for a cause he did not believe in); being turned out of their home so that soldiers could use it; her own poor health with phlebitis; the uncertainty of being separated from the rest of her family for a time. Yet in each situation her heart instinctively turned to her Lord. And in each situation she found Him faithful.

For the 31 Days writing challenge, I am sharing 31 Days of Inspirational Biography. You can find others in the series here.

(This will also be linked to Semicolon‘s Saturday Review of Books.)

Laudable Linkage

Posted on October 4, 2014 by Barbara Harper

I wasn’t sure whether to post my usual collection of interesting links while the 31 Days of Inspirational Biography was going on: in my experience, the more posts I publish in a week, the less they are read, especially if I post more than one a day. But if I save these all up until after October is over, I’ll have a massive list. 🙂 So I’ll go ahead and post them and hope that you’ll find something useful in them.

The Book of Books Is a Knowable Word.

Encouragement in the Word: Truth.

Bible Verses For When You Need Hope. I particularly liked the distinction “between hoping for something and hoping in Someone.”

Five Questions With a Former Muslim Who Converted to Christianity, an interview with Nabeel Qureshi, whose book I reviewed recently.

Lay Aside the Weight of Self-indulgence. Quote: “At the moment of indulging, it doesn’t feel like an enemy. It feels like a reward that makes us happy.” “…their beliefs finally changed. They went from believing one promise of happiness to believing another. That belief fueled their behavioral change and they went from self-indulgence to self-denial — but a denial for the sake of a better happiness.”

Lay Aside the Weight of Irritability. I forgot I had this in my files when I wrote about being easily irrtate-able – if I had remembered it, I probably would have just referred you to this. I need to refer to it often.

7 Conditions for Confrontation. I tend to avoid confrontation like the plague, but there is a time and place and even a Scriptural demand for it, and these are some principles to remember.

On Piles of Sand and Eating Babies on differences in cultures and judgmentalism, HT to Challies.

It’s Still a Bad Idea to Vent.

When Someone Reaches Out, Reach Back. Written particularly for those new to a church.

When Your Child’s Personality Annoys You. Quote: “Before you work to uproot them, consider whether behind that annoying trait is a strength waiting to be trained up. So often, the quality that manifests as a child’s greatest weakness holds the potential to be his greatest strength. ” Excellent post.

Boyhood, the Masculine Spirit, and the Formative Power of Work, HT to The Story Warren. Quote: We should be connecting the dots for young men between their lofty views of manhood and the small things they encounter everyday.”

Blogs Gone Cold and 7 Real-Life Reasons Why Women’s Blogs Go Cold. Some good and thoughtful reasons why women’s blogs seem less active.

Help for Aging Parents and Their Caregivers. I know these folks personally.

How to Make Driving Time Productive. Love this. Being in a car is one of my least favorite ways to pass time.

Save My Bleeding Quilt! How to Properly remove excess dye and a quilt and how to prewash fabrics to prevent the problem. Though I don’t quilt, I thought this would be useful for bleeding fabrics generally.

Happy Saturday!

Laudable Linkage

Posted on July 19, 2014 by Barbara Harper

Here are some links I found interesting in the last couple of weeks:

This quote is resonating with me from an article about preaching, though I am not a preacher: “That little voice inside your head saying ‘That’s just not who I am’ is not your friend. Sanctification is the process by which the Holy Spirit overcomes ‘who I am’ and shapes me into who He wants me to be.” The article is 5 Reasons Why Some Preachers Get Better and Others Don’t, HT to Challies.

15 Beautiful Benefits of the Word of God.

Five Specific Prayers for the Unsaved People in Your Life.

3 reasons you should not try to bind Satan.

Letting Parenting Struggles Make You Strong.

Ten Things My Parents Did Right.

Home Decor and Trendiness: Who Makes the Rules You Live By? Yes! I kept thinking that all through this post.

I am Ryland – The Story of a Male-Identifying Little Girl Who Didn’t Transition. In light of a recent case where parents started treating their daughter like a boy when she liked boy things, this blogger tells of growing up as what we used to call a tomboy or “late bloomer” who nevertheless did not identify herself as transgender. With the current climate, we’re going to run into these kinds of situations, and she makes some good points.

I’m not linking to 6 Reflections on Sleepovers so much for anything to do with sleepovers: it’s a response to a post on why this family doesn’t allow sleepovers, but I’m linking to it because the principles he discusses when Christians have different views cover many things. It is good to keep these things in mind when disagreeing on secondary issues.

Paralyzed? Or Medically Fragile?

Facts about the Hobby Lobby ruling that even some Christian seem to be missing.

Skip to the Loo, My Darling, HT to Lou Ann. An interesting look at bathroom facilities in other countries by missionary women. This reinforces the thought I’ve had that this aspect would be one of the things I’d have a hard time with if I ever traveled out of the country!

And lastly, I forget where I saw this, but it had me chuckling out loud. As my sister-in-law said when she saw it, “Baby: 1; Dad: 0.” (As an aside, for safety concerns it is probably not wise for an adult to climb into a baby’s crib.)