Category Archives: Christian Womanhood

45 Thoughts on 45 Years of Marriage

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45 Thoughts on 45 Years of Marriage

Jim and I are celebrating our 45th wedding anniversary in a few days. I’m not an expert at marriage, even at this stage. I don’t say a lot about marriage here for that reason. But I thought I’d share a hodgepodge of lessons learned, advice gleaned, and favorite poems and quotes concerning marriage.

1. I *hate* don’t like the saying “Marriage is designed to make you holy, not happy.” Almost every reference to marriage in the bible presents it as a happy union. Yes, we have to battle our selfishness, and God uses marriage to sanctify us. But happiness and holiness are not mutually exclusive.

2. One of my favorite books about marriage is The Ministry of Marriage by Jim Binney. To be honest, I read it so many years ago, I can’t remember much of the content now. But I like the emphasis in the title.

3. Humor helps. “A man without mirth is like a wagon without springs, in which everyone is caused disagreeably to jolt by every pebble over which it runs” (Henry Ward Beecher). Humor can diffuse tense situations and make life easier.

4. But be careful with humor. Poking fun at each other can hurt, even if the other person laughs. They will likely wonder, “Is that what he really thinks?” Also, if someone is pouring her heart out over something, and the other person makes a joke of it, she’ll feel unheard and not taken seriously. When something crosses from gentle teasing into something hurtful is probably different for each couple.

5. Appreciate the 80%. Elisabeth Elliot once said that a wife may appreciate and agree with 80% of what her husband says and does, yet harp at the 20% she doesn’t like, making them both miserable. I assume the same could be said of the husband regarding his wife. No spouse will be perfect: We need to spend more time appreciating what we have.

6. Marriage is not 50/50. It’s 100/100.

7. Love songs speak of climbing mountains or swimming oceans. Who really does those things for love? It’s easy to say, or sing, because no one expects anyone to actually do them. Real love is shown in the everyday giving oneself for the other.

8. Not the grand gestures. Lisa-Jo Baker shared in The Middle Matters that a teenager quoted in the Huffington Post felt her love life would never be adequate “until someone runs through an airport to stop me from getting on a flight.” The girl probably saw that in a movie somewhere. Her romantic life is going to be difficult if she sets up a test scenario in an airport every time she thinks she’s in love. Everyday thoughtfulness and kindness goes much further than the occasional sweeping romantic (and unlikely) moment.

9. Love languages. There’s something to be said for love languages coined by Gary Chapman. We perceive love differently. If a husband compliments his wife all day long or buys her piles of gifts, and her love language is acts of service, she’s not going to feel loved unless he helps wash the dishes. But I agree with Tim Challies here that love languages are just a way to understand and communicate with each other, not something to demand as a right or use to manipulate.

10. Don’t take each other for granted. This can be easy to do after a number of years together, in the busyness of everyday life. It helps to take time to consciously think of what we appreciate about each other.

11. Maintain good manners. Please, thank you, etc., still go a long way and help #10.

12. Assume the best. A former pastor said 1 Corinthians 137 (“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things”) means we cherish the best expectations of each other. If the other is late, leaves something undone, does something in a way we don’t like, talk about it kindly and graciously. Don’t jump to conclusions.

13. Date nights are nice, but not, as some would say, essential. The important thing is to spend time together one on one, whether that involves going out or being at home.

14. Be aware of introversion and extroversion. My husband and I are pretty similar in this respect, though I am more of a homebody than he is. But when there are differences, we need to understand that introverts are energized by time alone and drained by time with people, and extroverts are just the opposite. We need to be balanced and considerate with each other.

15. Rituals. Every couple develops their own little rituals in everyday life. But, like I said recently regarding traditions, we need to be flexible with them and not binding. One couple we knew decided that all through their married life, they would get up at the same time and go to bed at the same time. I wonder if they both got up for babies’ nighttime feedings. That meant a lot to them, but my husband and I could not have sustained that with his work schedule and leaving way early for travel. If we start something like that and find it doesn’t work after a while, it’s okay to adjust.

16. Don’t expect the other to read your mind. We might wonder how the other could not know our preferences or desires, but they can’t unless we express them.

17. Speak plainly. This could work both ways, but I think women are more prone to hint rather than plainly say what they want, and then get frustrated when he doesn’t get it.

18. Don’t make special days a test. I heard this from Gregg Harris some thirty years ago, and he’s the only person I have known to say it. He cautioned against using anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine’s Day, etc., as tests of a spouse’s love, and then feeling angry or hurt if he/she doesn’t remember them. Instead, remind the other, or ask, “What would you like to do for” the day beforehand, etc.

19. We all need appreciation. A friend shared that her husband had done a lot of yard work, then came to the door to ask her to come out and see what he had done, saying he needed an “Atta boy.” We smiled, but it’s true–we need to know someone appreciates our work and it pleases them.

20. Respect. I cringe when I hear husbands talking down to wives or wives talking to husbands the same way they talk to their children. We shouldn’t demean or ridicule each other.

What about when a husband doesn’t act in a way that invites respect? I like to turn this around: the same passage that mentions respect in marriage mentions love (Ephesians 5:22-33). Do we want our husband only to show love to us when we act deserving of it? No! We want him to understand when we’re not very lovable and love us anyway. So we can do the same for him. We may not respect every action or sentence, but we can respect him as a person and give him grace when he’s not perfect.

21. Remember you marry a sinner. As Elizabeth Elliot said, there is no one else to marry. While on one hand we hold each other to the highest, on the other, we acknowledge that the other is only human.

22. Be careful how you talk to others about your spouse. This is not only a matter of respecting our spouse, but of being a good testimony about marriage to others. We don’t have to pretend the other is perfect and never does wrong. But what is it saying to younger people about marriage and relationships if a husband getting together with the guys or a wife with the girls if it’s a time to complain about the other?

23. It’s okay to have separate interests. I think we actually benefit when we are enriched creatively in other ways and then come together. Plus, we shouldn’t expect the other to be interested in every little thing we are.

24. But it’s good to share some interests as well, or to listen to a conversation on a topic we’re not interested in or go to an event the other likes but we don’t care for sometimes. There are some family outings where I might not really be interested in the activity, but I go for the family togetherness.

25. Adapt to your own spouse. I read of a woman who heard that a good wife is a good housekeeper. When she got around to discussing housecleaning with her husband, she was surprised to find that he didn’t really care about a pristine house. He didn’t want a sloppy home, but he didn’t feel it needed all the extra touches she was giving it. In fact, he’d much rather she spent more time with him than more time cleaning. I’ve benefited much from good books about home, marriage, and family, but we need to check them with the real live person in our home and his preferences.

26. Don’t lie. I don’t know if there is an easier way to destroy trust than to lie to someone. Sometimes we don’t outright lie, but we manipulate details to get ourselves off the hook.

27. Remember a spouse is a brother or sister in Christ. How many times have you heard of a couple fighting in the car on the way to church, and then pasting on smiles when they get there? All those one-another passages in the Bible apply to our family members as well as other people at church.

28. Don’t put a spouse in God’s place. I had a hard time when my husband worked an overnight shift a few years into our marriage and even more when he started traveling for his job. Evidently I am not alone in that, because Coping when a husband is away is one of my most often-viewed posts. God uses husbands in our lives as our protectors, providers, and companions–but for Him to work through, not for us to look to instead of Him.

29. Find your security in Christ, in the fact that He created you and gifted you for His calling. We all need encouragement and reassurance at times, but we shouldn’t be needy in the sense of needing constant affirmation.

30. Manage your expectations.

31. Avoid “always” and “never,” especially in an accusatory way.

32. Attack the problem, not the person during disagreements.

Favorite Quotes about Marriage.

33. C. S. Lewis has a long quote from Mere Christianity, included here, the gist of which is that the intense “feeling” of love in the beginning can’t be expected to last. “Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships?” But “love as distinct from ‘being in love’ is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other.” “It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.”

34: Jane Eyre. “To be together is for us to be at once as free as solitude, as gay as in company. We talk, I believe, all day long: to talk to each other is but a more animated and an audible thinking.”

35. Booth Tarkington. “It is love in old age, no longer blind, that is true love. For love’s highest intensity doesn’t necessarily mean its highest quality. Glamour and jealousy are gone; and the ardent caress…is valueless compared to the reassuring touch of a trembling hand. . . the understanding smile of an old wife to her husband is one of the loveliest things in the world.”

36. Mignon McLaughlin. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.“

Favorite Songs about Love and Marriage. I’m not a big fan of sappy love songs, except around Valentine’s Day. 🙂 That’s probably because many of them are unreal–the whole climbing mountains and swimming oceans thing mentioned earlier. But here are a couple I especially love:

37: The Voyage. Jim made this video for me in 2008. Jason and Mittu were recently engaged but not married yet, and of course Timothy wasn’t here then. The song is “The Voyage,” sung here by John McDermott, then in the Irish Tenors:

38: My Cup Runneth Over with Love. This was popular when I was a kid, and I still love it.

Favorite Poems about Marriage.

39. “To My Dear and Loving Husband“ by Anne Bradstreet.

40. “The Blue Robe“ by Wendell Berry about older married love.

41. Several by Richard Armour.

Other Favorite Writings About Marriage:

42. Recipe for a Happy Marriage, author unknown.

43. “His Dear Wife“ by Claudia Barba

44. Pray for each other. Though we meet each other’s needs as much as we can, with God’s help, only He can strengthen and enable us day by day.

45. 1 Corinthians 13 is, of course, the best description of love.

When I started, I wasn’t sure if I could come up with a list of 45. Now that I’ve got the ball rolling, even more things are coming to mind. I’d sum up most of what I’ve learned about marriage with this: be kind, gracious, forgiving. Build each other up; don’t tear each other down. Appreciate the little things. Put God first, then each other.

Do you have any favorite marriage advice, quotes, or poems?

Romans 15:5-7

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Old Age Syndromes to Avoid

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Old Age Syndromes to Avoid

In our early married days, I worked in a fabric shop where we had a variety of customers of all ages. Among older ladies, there seemed to be two distinct types. One was very sweet, thankful for any little thing we did to assist them. The other was . . . not sweet.

I remember thinking, “I hope I am the nice kind of older lady when I get that age.”

At some point it dawned on me that if I wanted certain attributes when I got older, I needed to incorporate them while I was young.

“Old” always seems twenty to thirty years beyond my current age. But I am older, and I don’t know that I am yet the kind of older lady I want to be or should be. We’re all a work in progress, no matter how long we’ve lived.

But as I have been around the block a few times, I’ve seen some behaviors I want to avoid.

The “Know it All” Syndrome. When we’ve read the Bible and walked with the Lord for decades, hopefully we’ve acquired some wisdom along the way. But we misuse it if we try to answer most of the questions in Bible Study or Sunday School or feel we have to have the last word that sets everyone straight.

I’ve struggled with this recently. Bible teachers want participation. But I don’t want to monopolize the conversation. Yet I do want to share if I have something helpful to say. I’ve started praying before class that God would give me wisdom to know when to share and when to be silent.

The “We’ve Always Done It This Way” Syndrome. Every new generation brings with it new vocabulary, new technology, new methods. Older people can help younger ones discern between new methods and old truth and try to keep the latter from sliding into oblivion, but we shouldn’t insist that everything be done the way we always did it (or gripe when it isn’t).

The Busybody Syndrome. Busybodies can be any age. Paul is speaking of young widows when he speaks of “idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not” (1 Timothy 5:13). But older women can tend this way, too.

Many years ago, an older lady in our church at the time told one young mom of seven that she was having too many children too close together. She told another young married lady, who, with her husband, wanted to wait until he was out of school before starting a family, that she needed to get busy and start having children. You can imagine that both women were hurt and offended. I am sure that was not the older woman’s intent and that she thought she was helping others with the benefit of her accumulated wisdom. But she overstepped. Before sharing advice, we need to seek the Lord about whether it is really needed and how and when it should be shared.

Gossip Syndrome can also occur at any age or gender, but it’s something Paul specifically mentions in Titus 2 when speaking of the commendable kind of older woman. She’s not to be a “slanderer”–other translations say “gossiper” or “false accuser.” Slander can involve saying things that are untrue about someone else. Gossip can be untrue but seems to include spreading things around that may be true but aren’t anyone else’s business. The Bible has much to say about right and wrong uses of our words.

The Old Wives’ Tales Syndrome. The KJV and a few other Bible versions mention these in 1 Timothy 4:7: “But refuse profane and old wives’ fables, and exercise thyself rather unto godliness.” Other versions, like the ESV, leave out the “old wives” part and just say, “Have nothing to do with irreverent, silly myths. Rather train yourself for godliness.”

This overlaps gossip a bit, but “old wives’ tales” or fables often seem to involve health issues or warnings that aren’t based on fact. These days, they take the form of urban legends. When we were expecting our first child, someone told us not to get a cat because cats can suck a baby’s breath away. When my husband responded skeptically, the woman teared up because she was just trying to “help” us.

I see a version of this when people share dire warnings on FaceBook without fact-checking “just in case” it’s true. Some people do this so often, it’s like the old story of the “boy who cried wolf”: people don’t take the sharer seriously any more. Once again, we need to be careful of sharing falsehoods and unnecessarily scaring people. It’s usually easy these days to search online and find out the facts before we share.

The “Good Old Days” Syndrome. When we look back, our younger days can seem idyllic. We tend to forget or gloss over the negative aspects of certain eras. It’s not wrong to talk about some of the changes that have occurred over our lives or share history we’ve experienced. But we shouldn’t live in the past. We need to be alert for the good gifts God put in our present time as well.

The “I’ve Done My Time” Syndrome. I hear of women who are still teaching VBS or serving in the church kitchen well into their nineties. Good for them. 🙂 Many of us lose a certain amount of oomph over the years and can’t do all we used to. I wrote posts a few years ago on Why Older Women Don’t Serve and How Older Women Can Serve. We’re always in the Lord’s service as long as we live, but how we serve will probably change over the years. We shouldn’t have the mindset of checking out of active service. We might not be plugged into an official church ministry, but we can still minister to people by walking closely with God and being alert for opportunities to listen, giving a word of encouragement, praying, sending a note, etc.

It’s good to not only look at what to avoid, but what to emulate. Godly older women are to be “reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good” (Titus 2:3). They have “a reputation for good works: if she has brought up children, has shown hospitality, has washed the feet of the saints, has cared for the afflicted, and has devoted herself to every good work” (1 Timothy 5:10).

Thankfully, in every stage of life, God has placed godly women just ahead of me to observe and learn from.

Instead of gossip, slander, and fables, we share truth. Instead of showing off our accumulated knowledge, we humbly seek God’s timing to share His truth. We hold fast to truth but stay flexible about methods where we can. Instead of tearing down, we build up and encourage. Instead of being busybodies or folding inward towards self, we take kind interest in others and seek to serve however He opens doors.

May God give us grace to walk with Him and serve Him and others well at every stage of life.

Titus 2:3

Revised from the archives

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

When People Don’t Understand

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When People Don't Understand

Whenever Hannah’s story is taught from the Bible, one phrase stands out to me that I rarely hear comment on.

Hannah dearly longed for a child. In those days, men had more than one wife, and her husband’s other wife did have children. That would have been hard enough, but this rival wife “used to provoke her grievously to irritate her, because the Lord had closed her womb.” This went on for years.

It seems understandable that Hannah would be grieved. But her husband, Elkanah, said, “Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?”

This is the part of the story I don’t hear teaching about. Elkanah seems a little clueless here. At the worst he sounds arrogant: “Hey, you’ve got me. What else do you need?”

To give him the benefit of the doubt, he may have been thinking of the shame associated with childlessness in that day, or the concern that a childless widow would have no one to care for her after her husband died. Perhaps he means, “Don’t worry about those things, Hannah. My status and provision are enough.”

Even with the best of intentions, Elkanah didn’t seem to understand the longing of his wife’s heart, not just for status or elder care, but for her own child to love. Her yearning for a child did not lessen her love for her husband.

So what did Hannah do? She went to the temple to pray.

Normally this would be a good thing to do. We’re often told these days to draw close to our spiritual community. But sometimes our community rubs salt in the wound instead of helping.

This story occurred during the time of the judges, when “everyone did what was right in his own eyes,” leading to some of the most bizarre behavior recorded in the Bible. This was a low point in Israel’s history. Apparently, the priest, Eli, had seen so little fervent prayer that he thought Hannah was drunk and rebuked her.

So what’s a woman to do when her loved ones and her spiritual community don’t understand her, and, in fact, add to her burden?

Hannah poured out her heart to the Lord. She “was deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly.” She could safely share the depths of her feelings and cares with Him. She knew He was the only one who could meet her need.

She answered kindly. When Eli accused her of being drunk, she didn’t lash out at him. She just explained a little about her heart’s burden. There’s no record that she responded to her rival in kind or fussed at Elkanah.

She did not become bitter. She could have harbored negative feelings against everyone involved, but there’s no record that she did.

She had faith. After she prayed and asked the Lord for a son, she promised to give her child back to God to serve Him. And then “her face was no longer sad.” She left her burdens at His feet. When God did answer her prayers with a son, she kept her vow and gave Him the glory and praise.

In our day, we have more of the Scripture than Hannah did. So we have an extra layer of help. Hebrews 2:17-18 says, “Therefore he [Jesus] had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.” The writer of Hebrews goes on to say in 4:15-16: “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

Jesus is more than our example: He is our Lord and Savior. But He has also suffered the same things we do and shown us how to cope with them.

I don’t know if anyone in history was more misunderstood than Jesus. His family, his disciples, and his community all questioned His teaching and His mission.

What did He do?

He kept sharing truth. He knew some would never understand. He knew His disciples wouldn’t understand much until later. He kept sharing truth anyway, trusting that one day it would make sense to them.

He prayed frequently to the One who did understand and could help others understand, His Father.

He kept loving and working with people even when they misunderstood.

He forgave those who wronged Him. “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23).

When others misunderstand our hurts and concerns, it’s easy to pull away and wrap a protective cloak around ourselves.

Though He often does give us human helpers to counsel, encourage, uplift, and empathize, sometimes they fail us. We need not hold it against them: they’re only human. We fail others sometimes, so we shouldn’t be surprised when others fail us. And sometimes He takes them away so that we may draw closer to Him.

We can do what Hannah did: pour out our hearts to the only One who can truly understand our heart’s longings and our deepest needs. As the old hymn says, “No One Understand Like Jesus.” He may not answer our prayer exactly like we want. But we can trust He knows best.

Because He has been in our place, we know He empathizes with us. He understands thoroughly; He cares intimately; He alone has the power and the wisdom and the grace to meet our needs in the best possible time and way.

1 Kings 8:39

(Parts of this post have been revised from the archives.)

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

My Nest Is Empty, but My Heart Is Full

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I’m not sure I like the term “empty nest” as a description of life when children grow up and leave home.

Have you ever seen a used empty nest?

Some type of little brown birds used to build a nest every year on top of the corner post of the porch. We could watch their life cycle from our front door: the parents building the nest, the mother sitting, the babies growing and straining their beaks toward the food brought by the parents.

Finally, the parent birds would fly to a nearby bush and call for the babies to come. The babies didn’t move from the nest at first. But eventually, one by one, they flew off.

When we were sure they weren’t coming back, we’d take the nest down and brush away the debris of broken twigs and bird droppings from the post. The nest itself was a mess, as four or five baby birds lived there for weeks without a designated spot for relieving themselves.

Mother bird and I share similarities of raising a flock who have successfully gone on to live independently as adults. But that tattered, speckled, messy weaving of twigs doesn’t match up with how I envision my home or life after grown children leave.

As my oldest sons approached adulthood, I wasn’t sure how I’d cope when they left home. I always felt being a wife and mother were my main responsibilities and priorities. How could such an intense relationship with daily interaction abruptly change? How could I suddenly flip a switch from full-time mother to a “retired” one?

Actually, it wasn’t such a sudden switch after all. From the time we first teach them to feed and dress themselves and become responsible, we show them how to start operating independently of us. As they learn to drive, become involved in youth group or music lessons or a part-time job, they spend more and more time away from us. They go to camp and then youth group mission trips. When they go away to college, they take first steps towards adult living while coming home for breaks. (Even though mine commuted to college while living at home, they spent their days and evenings away.)

So by the time kids leave home, they and their parents have had some experience being separated.

Still, that initial move away from home is hard. My middle son left first, getting married a couple of months after college graduation. It didn’t hit me until he started bringing home boxes to pack his stuff in. When I got teary, he made a sign that said “Sewing Room” and put it on his door.

Even though he didn’t live under our roof after marriage, he and his wife lived just a few minutes away, and we saw them frequently.

Then we found out that we were going to be the ones moving away when my husband’s job transferred him to TN.

My oldest lived at home for a while after graduation, not sure what his next steps should be. But when we found we were moving, he decided it was time to step out. He had several friends in RI, and one of them offered him a job.

So it felt like our “nest” emptied by two-thirds all at once, as we left my middle son and his wife in SC, and our oldest went to RI, and we moved to TN.

That was agonizingly hard for all of us.

My youngest son moved with us, finished high school, and attended college locally. He lived at home for a few more years, but moved out a couple of years ago. He’s not far away, thankfully, though he’s talking about (and I am praying against) possibly moving to Washington state or Canada.

So my “nest” has been officially empty for a few years now. Here are some thoughts that helped the transition.

Though our children don’t live at home any more, I have not stopped being a mother.

I miss the everyday hearing how their day went and knowing what they’re up to. But I’m abundantly thankful for texts, emails, and FaceTime.

Sometimes they ask advice, and I try to refrain from offering any unless asked.

We still see each other frequently.

I still pray for them, sometimes I think even more intensely.

Though wifing and mothering were my first priorities, they weren’t exclusive. How much to be involved in other things was always a struggle as my children were growing up. But I felt service, both within church and to individual people, was important. I wanted to serve, but I also wanted them to see service was a normal part of Christian life.

I also wanted them to see that hobbies and friendships with others outside the home were healthy.

I had things to look forward to when my kids moved out. Though I missed them, I enjoyed turning one of their bedrooms into a sewing/craft room. Not only was that fun, but it helped so much to have a place for all my materials, to work on projects, and to leave them out.

I look forward to writing more.

I enjoy being able to pick up and and go somewhere with my husband without concerns about babysitters or teenagers at home.

I could “mother” others. Titus 2 specifically instructs older women to teach and encourage younger women. Sometimes that happens via a formal mentoring situation; most often it happens through friendships and “doing life” together. Though we might not consider ourselves “older women” when the nest first empties, we’re older than someone and can encourage them along the way.

Phyllis Le Peau followed Jesus’ admonition “to feed the hungry, care for widows, and visit those in prison.” She found ways to serve in each of those areas.

My mother-in-law’s hospice chaplain had taken on that as well as a jail ministry in retirement years.

An older lady in our church took it upon herself to visit my mother-in-law a couple of times a month in assisted living. When we moved and my mother-in-law lived with us, one lady in the church wrote regular newsy notes.

Though physical issues may arise and strength may wane as we get older, there are still a number of ways older women can serve others.

I think older women are some of the best at what someone called the “ministry of the pew”–showing an interest and talking with others. At every church we visited in the last year and a half, there was always an older woman who went beyond “We’re glad to have you with us” to make us feel especially welcome.

God’s grace is sufficient for every need at hand. God will enable us to transition to the empty nest years when they arrive—not three years before. He is always with those who believe on Him. He created the family structure such that our children grow up, “leave father and mother,” and serve Him as adults. We can trust Him for our children as they leave the nest, and for ourselves as we serve Him in different ways.

I loved being a full-time mother. But God doesn’t want me to live with regret and longing for the past. He has something for me at each new stage of life.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

How Can I Be Nice When My Hormones Are Raging?

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How can I be nice when my hormones are raging

(My male readers may want to pass this one by. Then again, if you have women in your life, you might find this helpful.)

Between Sunday School and church, our small choir would meet in a downstairs hallway to run through the song we’d practiced the week before. As my friend, Christy (not her real name), came in, I handed her a songbook.

Christy took the book, threw it across the room onto a table, and kept walking.

I was stunned. So, apparently, were the others waiting in the corridor. Most were aware of her physical issues, and one asked, “Is Christy on her period this week?”

I thought, “How embarrassing that the whole church knows when it’s ‘that time of month.'”

Granted, Christy had more severe problems than most. She ended up having a hysterectomy in her thirties.

Though most of us don’t have that level of discomfort, I don’t know anyone who just breezes through their menstrual cycle. There’s always some level of physical discomfort, inconvenience, and emotional fluctuations that can vary month to month and year to year. Much worse has been done due to hormones than throwing a book.

And “that time of month” isn’t the only time hormones fluctuate to almost unbearable levels. They can run askew at other times. Pregnancy, the post-partum era, and menopause are also rough hormonal spots for women, intensified by interrupted sleep and physical discomfort. The years leading up to menopause (called perimenopause) were much harder for me, resulting in anemia, among other issues..

I always felt that my family and friends didn’t deserve for me to blow up or snap at them. I observed that the passage about the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5 doesn’t have an exception clause for hormones.

Still—I had some days when I prayed, “God, this is impossible. How am I supposed to be nice to people when my hormones are raging?” If walking in the Spirit was hard enough on a normal day, how could I do so with all these other factors working against me?

I don’t want to heap guilt on you on top of everything else. But I do want to encourage you to seek “grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:15-16).

From my limited experience, here are some things that might help. (I am not a doctor or counselor and make no medical or mental health claims.)

1. See your doctor. Don’t feel, “This is just a normal part of womanhood. I should be able to buck up and carry on.” And don’t let your doctor stop there, either. Though hormones are part of being a woman, “normal” varies from person to person. Especially if you feel like either your physical symptoms or emotions are extreme, seek help. There are a variety of things that can aid you both physically and mentally.

2. Establish good health habits. We’re tempted to eat junk when we’re not feeling well. An occasional treat is fine, but taking in good nutrition, exercising, getting enough sleep all throughout the month will help even the worst days.

3. Ask for grace. I used to let my husband know that time of month was coming, and, though I was trying hard to reign myself in, I might be a little more emotional or irritable than usual. He was always very understanding and gracious.

I once listened to a cassette tape (that’s how long ago it was) from Wayne Van Gelderen, Jr., in which he told about his mom having a hard time during menopause. His father asked Wayne, as the oldest child, to be a special help for her. He remarked that years later, when he tried to tell his siblings about the difficulties their mom experienced then, they didn’t believe him. He had seen “behind the scenes,” but they had not.

4. Give yourself grace. Not an excuse, but grace. Sometimes we find ourselves irritable or emotional and don’t realize what’s going on until a couple of days later when our period comes. Then the light dawns. If you have a regular cycle, you can prepare yourself a little better mentally. It’s not always possible, but if you know when your worst days might be, try not to schedule major events then. It’s nice to curl up with a heating pad and a good book (or whatever is comforting to you) or bow out of social obligations those days if you can.

5. Maintain good spiritual habits. Putting on the spiritual armor of Ephesians 6, taking our thoughts captive, being filled with the Spirit, all might be harder at certain times of the month or seasons of life. But this is not a time to let our guard down. We need God’s help more than ever. We might shorten or vary our Bible reading and prayer time when we’re not feeling well, but we shouldn’t drop them. Quick prayers throughout the day call on God’s aid in our need: “Please help me not to feel so irritated, or at least not to lash out.”

6. Rely on God’s grace and strength all the more. Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10: “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth has said, “Anything that makes you need God is a blessing.” We can’t always arrange our circumstances to accommodate how we feel. In fact, sometimes it seems like issues heap up at the worst time of the month. But cry out to your Father and lean on His help all the more, moment by moment.

7. Meditate on Scripture. Here are a few that helped me in addition to the ones mentioned:

  • “God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (1 Timothy 1:7). Some translations say “a sound mind” rather than “self-control.”
  • “In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul” (Psalm 94:19, KJV).
  • “When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, Then You knew my path” (Psalm 142:3, NKJV).
  • “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you” (Isaiah 26:3).
  • “God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work” (2 Corinthians 9:8). Sometimes I would shorten this to make it easier to hang onto: “all grace, all sufficiency, all things, all times.”

I also clung to this stanza from “Just As I Am” by Charlotte Elliott:

Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
Sight, riches, healing of the mind;
Yes, all I need, in Thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come!

8. Take life moment by moment. If we wonder how we’re going to get through this week, or theses months after having a baby, or years before menopause, we’ll feel weighed down and helpless. But we just have to rely on God’s grace this moment. And then the next one.

Much more could be said on this subject. Here are a few good articles I found, especially the first one:

How about you? What helps you when hormones cause you trouble?

I want to emphasize again that if you feel your symptoms are more than you can handle, physically or mentally, see your doctor as soon as possible. There is help available.

2 Corinthians 9:8

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Trusting God When Our Children Leave the Nest

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Trusting God for our children when they leave home

Our oldest son was just here for about ten days. Though saying good-bye was not as intense as the first time he left the nest, it never gets any easier.

My blog and Facebook feeds have been filled with posts about sending a child off to college. For some it’s the first major separation, greater than the first sleepover or week of camp. That first extensive step away from home as adult offspring, whether to college or some other venue, heralds the time when our kids will fully leave the nest behind and start their own homes, families, careers, and traditions.

It’s one thing when our adult children are going to people or places where we have every reason to trust they’ll be safe and continue to grow spiritually. It’s another thing when we have serious reservations about their pathway.

Monica, the mother of Augustine, is famous for praying faithfully for her son’s salvation. At one point, he decided to go to Rome. Monica felt Rome would not be good for him. She pleaded with him not to go, so much so that Augustine eventually lied to her and then slipped away. But it was in Rome that Augustine met friends who were able to help him along in his understanding so that eventually he did come to the Lord.

Augustine wrote, “And what was it, O Lord, that she was asking of thee in such a flood of tears but that thou wouldst not allow me to sail? But thou, taking thy own secret counsel and noting the real point to her desire, didst not grant what she was then asking in order to grant to her the thing that she had always been asking.”

That comforts me when my children want to go to unknown places with unknown people. God knows the places He has prepared for them and the people He wants them to meet.

When my kids were home, it was my nightly routine to check on them before I went to bed. When they were babies, I’d look for the rise and fall of their chests or place a hand on their backs to make sure they were breathing.

In their boyhood, I’d find them sprawled in all sorts of configurations on their beds, covers tangled or on the floor.

As they got older, I wouldn’t actually open their doors any more while they slept. But I was comforted to know they were home safe in their own beds. When they were out, I’d stay up (or at least dozing out on the couch) until they got home. Then I could rest at ease.

But when they step out into their own adult lives, we don’t have that mother hen satisfaction of having everyone safely home under our roof.

It’s a big adjustment.

But it’s also a good reminder. Our care, though heartfelt and intense, is limited. God’s care is not.

I don’t delve much into poetry, but these thoughts inspired a poem a few years ago. It’s not perfect, but I offer it to you in hopes it might be a comfort.

A Mother’s Nightly Ritual

Before a mother goes to bed
She checks each little downy head,
Places a hand on back or chest
Of each sleeping child at rest,
Making sure that all is well
Before succumbing to sleep’s spell.

As children grow and youth abounds,
Yet Mother still must make her rounds.
She can not rest at ease until
Her little ones are calm and still,
Safely tucked into their beds,
Then softly to her own she treads.

From childhood into youth they grow,
And she waits up until she knows
They’re settled safe and sound at home
Til the next day when they roam.
Though now they stay up long past her,
She can’t rest til they’re home, secure.

Her birds fly later from her sight.
Their beds are empty now at night.
She cannot check the rise and fall
Of sleeping breaths within her walls.
Yet she trusts they’re safely kept
By Him who never once has slept.

Though now they sleep beyond her care,
They never move beyond her prayer.
Her nightly vigil now is to
Trust them to the same One Who
Watched o’er Jacob while he roamed,
And kept him safe though far from home.

Barbara Harper
Copyright 2010

Psalm 121:8: The Lord will keep your going out and coming in from this time forth and forevermore.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Is Being a Mother Worth It?

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Is being a mother worth it

I waited with my youngest infant son in the doctor’s examining room for a well baby check-up. It took the doctor an interminable time to come. Meanwhile, baby had a leaky diaper that necessitated cleaning him and the examining table. Then baby spit up all over his clean clothes and his mom..

And I thought wryly about “the nobility of motherhood.”

Mothering is filled with highs and lows. There is nothing like snuggling with a baby wrapped in a hoodie towel fresh from his shower, the smell of baby shampoo wafting from his hair. Or receiving your first gift of a wildflower plucked with chubby toddler fingers especially for you. Or “book gluttony” after a library visit. Or laughs and tickles and playgrounds when they are young to games and talks and insights when they are older.

But there are also continual struggles with never-ending laundry, picking up toys, feeling like there is not enough time and energy to go around, not to mention blow-out diapers, meltdowns, trying to teach manners, arguing over why eating candy before dinner is not a good idea and why “everybody else is doing it” is not a good reason.

Some women focus more on the bad than the good, as one woman did when she wrote that she regretted having children. So now she advises other women not to have them. She feels motherhood keeps women “out of the work force, trapping them in a prison of domesticity.”

One of her reasons not to have children is that her children disappointed her. She doesn’t reflect on how she disappointed them. She tells women, “To persist in saying ‘me first’ is a badge of courage.” Yet she doesn’t feel that way about the child saying “me first.”

It’s true we sometimes come to motherhood with idyllic expectations. Christians know that our children are born with sin natures, but we’re surprised how early and strongly those natures exert themselves.

And we bring our own sin natures into the mix. It’s no wonder all these sin natures bumping into each other cause conflict and stress.

But they are also an excellent segue for teaching about grace and our need for God’s forgiveness and help. It’s not for nothing Colossians 3:12-14 says, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

Besides sin, children aren’t born knowing how to behave, share, think of others’ feelings, take turns. That’s what parents are for: to patiently teach them all those things.

Many in our society at large honor those who invest their lives in others–teachers, mentors, philanthropists. Yet so many look down on the investments of everyday motherhood, which for love’s sake deals with the nitty gritty and teaches and trains children through the highs as well as the lows, the mundane as well as the heart-warming. Why is being in the work force considered more valuable than training children at home? Why is taking care of and training children considered such a low-level occupation (even among paid professions like child care and teaching, some of the lowest-paid jobs) when children are our future?

Being a mother is hard work. Nothing else in my life showed me my own selfishness and need for God’s wisdom and enabling.

But being a mother is also rewarding work. My children aren’t perfect–of course not, coming from an imperfect mother. I pray God makes up for my mistakes with them. But my children are enjoyable people to know and be around.

In everything else I thought about being when I grew up, I always wanted to be a wife and mother as well. I am so thankful God gave me that opportunity.

So to the naysayers I respond: yes, it is worth it to be a mother. I am so grateful for my mother’s investment of time and love in me and for other women who “mothered” me in various ways.

Even as I try to defend and support motherhood, however, I am keenly aware of the pain of some women whose longing for motherhood is an unanswered prayer. God, for reasons only He knows, has not seen fit so far to bring husband and children.

Though motherhood is a blessing, it is not God’s highest calling. God’s highest calling for each woman is to be exactly where God placed her, doing exactly what He called her to do, whether that’s being a teacher, secretary, writer, nurse, or whatever. He can work in and through us to develop Christlikeness and further His kingdom in any number of ways.

Let your father and mother be glad; let her who bore you rejoice. Proverbs 23:25

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Mary’s Three Encounters with Jesus’ Feet

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The first time we meet Mary of Bethany in the Bible, her family is hosting Jesus. Mary’s sister, Martha, was “distracted with much serving.” Luke 10:38-42 doesn’t say the disciples were with them or whether Martha was even preparing a meal, though I had always assumed both. Jesus was teaching, so probably more people were there than Him and the siblings. But however many people were there and whatever Martha was doing for them, she was “anxious and troubled.” I’ve been in poor Martha’s shoes many times. I can only imagine how frenzied I would be, wanting everything to be just right, if someone as important as Jesus was in my home.

I’ve always thought of Martha as the older sibling and Mary the younger. I’m not sure where their brother, Lazarus, fits in, but I’ve assumed the middle.

Mary is found at Jesus’ feet, listening to His teaching. Rabbis didn’t usually teach women, but Jesus welcomed Mary. Mary’s posture indicates she looked up to Jesus, both literally and figuratively. She was so caught up in what He was saying, she seemingly didn’t even notice Martha’s bustling about.

Martha spies Mary listening to Jesus. With older-sister indignation, Martha says, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.”

I don’t know how well Martha knew Jesus at this time. John 11-5 says “Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus.” Jesus is often spoken of as coming to or from Bethany, so He probably visited with these siblings many times. But the beginning of this incident simply says, “A woman named Martha welcomed Him into her house” (Luke 10:38), as if they hadn’t known each other before. Martha is quite bold to speak to the Lord so, especially if this is their first encounter. She seemed confident that the Lord would side with her in her busy service.

But He didn’t. He acknowledged her care and concern, but He said, “One thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

Nancy Leigh DeMoss Wolgemuth paraphrases Jesus saying to Martha, “Your company means more to Me than your cooking. You are more important to Me than anything you can do for Me” (Place of Quiet Rest, p. 43).  

The second time we see the sisters, Lazarus is seriously ill (John 11). They send for Jesus, saying, “Lord, he whom you love is ill.” So by this time, the relationship between Jesus and the siblings is deep and well-established.

But Jesus purposefully waits to come and see them. By the time He arrives, Lazarus has been dead four days and has already been buried.

Martha comes away from the mourners to talk with Jesus. But Mary, coming a little later, “fell at his feet, saying to him, ‘Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.'” Both women expressed faith, but in different ways. Mary was not afraid to share her sorrow and anguish. Perhaps she was also hurt and confused that Jesus had not come sooner. She laid it all at Jesus’ feet.

“When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled.” “Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows” (Isaiah 53:4).

The final time we see Mary of Bethany is in John 12, just six days before Jesus’ final Passover with His disciples. Martha is serving once again, but uncomplainingly this time. Mary takes “a pound of expensive ointment made from pure nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped his feet with her hair. The house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.” (This appears to be a different incident from that in Luke 7:36-50, though there are a few similarities.)

Mary’s action brought criticism. Judas wondered aloud why this ointment could not have been sold and distributed to the poor (not, Scripture indicates, because he was concerned about the poor, but because he kept the money for the group and helped himself to it.) He not only thought such extravagance was a waste on Jesus, but he coveted it for himself.

But Jesus came to Mary’s defense once again. “Leave her alone, so that she may keep it for the day of my burial.” A pound of ointment would have been much more than was needed for a pair of feet, so perhaps Jesus was saying that the rest would be used for His burial.

However, the New Living Translation says, “She did this in preparation for my burial,” and a few others have similar wording. If this is correct, Mary got what so many others missed: that Jesus was going to die.

I tried to discover what significance might be attached to anointing feet in Bible times. Scripture speaks of washing feet. People wore sandals on dusty, unpaved roads. So a host would have a servant wash the feet of guests. Jesus does this, taking on the role of a servant, in the Upper Room at the last supper. One article suggested Mary’s anointing Jesus’ feet is a foreshadowing of what Jesus would do.

Jesus is the Christ or Messiah, both of which mean “anointed one.” One article indicated Mary’s anointing was in recognition of Jesus as the Christ, the promised Messiah.

Isaiah 52:7 proclaims, “How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news, who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness, who publishes salvation, who says to Zion, ‘Your God reigns.’” Perhaps Mary was so thankful for the feet of Him who brought the good news of salvation to her that she wanted to anoint them.

But Jesus references His upcoming burial in connection with Mary’s anointing.

Several things stand out to me about Mary.

Her humility. In each of these encounters, Mary is at Jesus’ feet. I had known about each of these incidents, but I just recently made the connection that they all involved Jesus’ feet. James tells us, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6)

Her devotion. She was caught up in listening to and worshiping Jesus, no matter what else was going on around her. She was willing to give sacrificially to show how much she valued Him.

Her lack of self-consciousness. Scripture doesn’t indicate any of her actions were done for self-glory or attention from others.

Her lack of defending herself. She let the Lord handle criticism of her. She knew He understood, even if others didn’t.

Her confidence. She knew Jesus well enough to trust Him with both her worship and her sorrow.

Her intent listening. She hung on His every word.

Her perception. By listening, truly listening to Jesus, she apparently understood what others did not about His coming death.

The only words of Mary that the Bible records are after Lazarus’ death. Obviously, those are the only words of hers that the Holy Spirit wanted to reveal in Scripture. But this and Martha’s outspokenness seem to indicate that Mary was the quiet one. Another Mary, Jesus’ mother, “treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart” (Luke 2:19). Mary of Bethany seems the same type of person. Jesus loved both sisters, and physical quietness is not necessarily more spiritual than outspokenness. But “a gentle and quiet spirit . . . in God’s sight is very precious” (1 Peter 3:4).

Mary could not have known that her humble and loving actions would become inspiration for Jesus followers for more than 2,000 years.

We can’t sit at Jesus’ feet physically, but we can join Mary there spiritually as we humbly and intently listening to His Word and lay our sorrow, confusion, questions, and loss before feet of the One who knows, loves, and cares for us best. We can worship with abandon, giving our all in His honor.

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)

Is It Wrong to Read Romance Novels?

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Recently I visited an old Christian message board that I used to frequent to see if it was still active. I came across a conversation where someone asked if reading romance novels was wrong. The only respondents were men. One said he thought they weren’t wrong, but they were a silly waste of time. Another said he thought they could be wrong.

I didn’t want to take the time to find my log-in information and wasn’t inclined to get into the discussion anyway. But I thought about the question for a few days.

So, do I think it’s wrong to read a romance novel?

It depends.

“Romance” covers a wide territory. Many books outside of the romance genre will contain a love interest. But in a romance, the main point of the plot is two people coming to realize and declare their love for each other.

Is there anything wrong with that as a basic plot? No. The Bible contains romances (Song of Solomon, Ruth and Boaz, Jacob and Rachel). Ephesians 5 tells us marriage is a picture of Christ and the church.

When I’m getting to know a couple, one of the first things I want to know is how they met. That usually leads into a longer story of how they knew they were right for each other. It’s always neat to see the Lord’s hand in bringing them together.

But that’s real life. Isn’t a fictional romance a waste of time?

No, a story isn’t a waste just because it’s imaginary. Jesus used fictional stories to make a point. So did OT prophets.

Fiction fleshes out truth. When I’m listening to a sermon, I might get the pastor’s point but wonder what it looks like in real life. Then he shares a sermon illustration so I see the truth in action.

Randy Alcorn said, “Some Christians view fiction as the opposite of truth. But sometimes it opens eyes to the truth more effectively than nonfiction.”

We read fiction for a number of reasons: to see life through another’s eyes, to get to know how other people think, to develop empathy, to experience other cultures, to stimulate thinking, to learn discernment, gain information, to broaden our horizons.

Can we do all that with romances? Sure.

Some of the classics are romances: Romeo and Juliet, Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, all of Jane Austen’s novels.

But the best romances have something going on besides falling in love. One or both characters will need to grow or overcome something. In Pride and Prejudice, for example, the two main characters need to get past their titular characteristics before they can come together. In Sense and Sensibility, one sister needs to learn the value of restraint and appreciating more about a potential husband than good looks, charm, and excitement. All of Austen’s romances involve a whole lot more than just the love story. They are commentary on the times and culture in the setting as well.

The same things can happen in a modern romance.

So how can romances be wrong?

When they produce longings that can’t be fulfilled now. If you’re struggling with being single, a romance might encourage you that God could do the same for you. Or it might discourage you because He hasn’t done so yet. If you’re in a long engagement before you can be married, you’ll have discern whether reading romances makes waiting harder for you.

When they focus too much on the physical. I avoid most modern secular fiction, especially romances, for this reason. I only pick one up after carefully researching reviews or receiving a good report from a trusted friend. But even Christian romances can go too far here. And even if a romance avoids bedroom scenes, there can be an overemphasis on her seeing his bulging muscles under his shirt, wondering what it would be like to kiss him, feeling an electric jolt when they accidentally touch. Do such things happen when people are becoming attracted to each other? Sure. But in real life or fiction, the physical shouldn’t be the main thing.

When they make you discontent with everyday life. Lisa-Jo Baker shared in The Middle Matters that a teenager quoted in the Huffington Post felt her love life would never be adequate “until someone runs through an airport to stop me from getting on a flight.” The girl probably saw that in a movie somewhere. Her romantic life is going to be difficult if she sets up a test scenario in an airport every time she thinks she’s in love. Real love is usually shown in everyday ways more than the grand gesture.

When you long for a perfect “Mr Right.” There is no perfect Mr. or Mrs. Right. The best writers write flawed, realistic characters. But sometimes a character can seem so exquisitely attractive that no one in real life could measure up. If you find yourself looking down on your husband (or potential husband, if you’re not yet married) because he falls short of a fictional hero, it might be time to lay aside the book.

I sometimes see romance writers talking about writing swoon-worthy characters, especially male characters. A character having admirable qualities is one thing. But I don’t want to swoon for anyone other than my husband.

Personally, romances aren’t my favorite genre. I read some. But I don’t want the story to stop with a wedding and a promise of happily ever after. To me, the wedding is a beginning, not an ending. I prefer women’s fiction or historical fiction, where there is more going on than an initial romance, though there may be romance in the story.

But thankfully, there are romances that are good stories, where the characters grow and learn, where we learn about the culture or setting of the book, where we can connect with human growth and experience.

“It is only a novel… or, in short, only some work in which the greatest powers of the mind are displayed, in which the most thorough knowledge of human nature, the happiest delineation of its varieties, the liveliest effusions of wit and humour, are conveyed to the world in the best-chosen language” ― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

Grace When Others Fail Us

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Grace when others fail us

As I puttered around the kitchen, the radio preacher shared a hypothetical story.

In the context of teaching women to love their husbands from Titus 2, the speaker told of a man whose main conversations with his wife at home centered on her telling him what needed to be done around the house. Then when the man went to his workplace, his pretty young secretary built up his ego by pointing out how well he did his job, how capable he was, etc. Since the husband felt starved for attention and affirmation, he was ripe for at least an emotional and perhaps even a physical affair with his secretary—and it was all his wife’s fault.

Now, a sermon illustration by its nature is sometimes oversimplified. But this one stirred a few thoughts.

First of all, should women be careful how they speak to their husbands? Of course. When Jesus said to love our neighbors as ourselves, our family members are our first neighbors. All the Bible says about speech being kind, gracious, and edifying needs to be applied at home before anywhere else. Sometimes we’re on our guard when we speak to others outside the home, but get careless within our own walls.

When the honeymoon is over and life gets busy, it’s easy to fall into utilitarian conversation and forget to talk just to enjoy each other. We need to remember to thank each other for the things that are done and not take each other for granted.

We need to treat our husbands respectfully (Ephesians 5:33). I cringe when I hear women talk to their husbands like children or give them a dressing down or ridicule or belittle them.

So yes, I agree, how we speak to our husbands is a big factor in how we show love to them. And building them up at home will help them be less susceptible to the flattery of others.

However . . .

A husband is not justified in seeking attention elsewhere if he feels he’s not getting enough at home.

When we stand before God some day to give an account of our lives, we’re not going to be able to point to anyone else and blame them for our sins.

God provides a way out of temptation. “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).

God’s grace is sufficient for whatever He requires of us. “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.” (2 Corinthians 9:8).

God has given us everything we need to live godly lives. “His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire” (2 Peter 1:3-4).

The Bible warns us about flattery, particularly the dangers to men of a flattering woman.

“Wisdom will save you also from the adulterous woman, from the wayward woman with her seductive words” (Proverbs 2:16, NIV. Other translations say “smooth” words or “flattering” words).

“With much seductive speech she persuades him; with her smooth talk she compels him. All at once he follows her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, or as a stag is caught fast till an arrow pierces its liver; as a bird rushes into a snare; he does not know that it will cost him his life.”

“And now, O sons, listen to me, and be attentive to the words of my mouth. Let not your heart turn aside to her ways; do not stray into her paths, for many a victim has she laid low, and all her slain are a mighty throng. Her house is the way to Sheol, going down to the chambers of death” (Proverbs 7:21-27).

“For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil,
but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword” (Proverbs 5:3-4).

If one of my kids or grandkids or any other young person under my influence came to me with the situation in the sermon illustration and asked what to do, I’d advise two things.

First, at a relaxed time, talk to your spouse. Don’t accuse or act defensive, but just honestly state you’re feeling more like a handyman than a husband (or, if the situation is reversed, feeling more like a maid than a wife). Perhaps say, “I don’t know if you realize it, but all of our conversation lately is about stuff that needs to be done. I’d like to talk about more.”

Second, take the initiative. Talk to her as you want her to talk to you. Ask how her day was. Ask what she thinks about something in the news. Find out her “love language” and express it to her. Let her know you care about her beyond what she does for the home and family. In fact, this could possibly be the first or only step.

All of these principles—the fact that we’re responsible for our own reactions and can’t blame anyone else for our sin, that God provides a way out of temptation, that He gives grace to do right, that we need to guard against being led astray by flattery, that we can look for ways to rectify the problem rather than responding negatively—are true for men and women in multitudes of situations.

If we’re feeling unappreciated or uncared for, the first thing to do is go to God and ask Him what to do and how to respond. Even our dearest earthly loves will fail us sometimes. But He never will.

2 Corinthians 9:8 God's grace

(I often link up with some of these bloggers.)