Friday’s Fave Five

Posted on by

FFF spring2

It’s Friday, time to look back over the blessings of the week with Susanne at Living to Tell the Story and other friends. Here are some of the favorite parts of the past week or so:

1. Online registries. We’ve had a lot of bridal showers, weddings, and baby showers at church the last few months. I love registries so that I can get the person something they want rather than providing their first yard sale fodder. I especially like that most store registries can be accessed online now. It helps a lot to be able to look them over and pick out a couple of ideas beforehand instead of roaming all over the store first.

2. Hummingbirds. We just put a feeder put a few weeks ago and hadn’t had any visitors. But just recently we saw that the level of nectar had gone down, and more recently we’ve seen a little visitor. They are so amazing to watch.

3. A new cell phone. My phone had been having trouble making or keeping a charge, so my husband took it in, and evidently it had a lot of dust in it – more than they could clean out by their usual methods. 😦 But it was under warranty, so they gave me a new one, and now I am trying to take special care to keep dust out of it. I usually keep it in my pocket, which seems to produce a lot of very fine lint. Just saw online recently some silicone plugs for the various ports in a phone, so may look into those. Anyone tried them?

4. A husband who deals with issues like phone troubles. 🙂 Dealing with the “genius bar” is not one of his favorite things, but I appreciate his going there for me.

5. A volunteer. We had made plans to go to Jason and Mittu’s tomorrow for his birthday (which is actually today), but got word that Great-Grandma’s weekend caregiver would not be available this weekend. Her weekday caregiver volunteered to come on Saturday since she knew we had plans. Much appreciated!

Hope you have a great weekend!

When People Say the Wrong Thing

Posted on by

In the last couple of years I have seen an abundance of articles about “What not to say to…” single people, a pregnant person, a childless couple, adoptive parents, a depressed person, the chronically ill etc. Some are actually quite helpful and enlightening. For the record, never ask a single person why they’re not married yet (they may be wondering the same thing themselves), or a couple when they’re going to start a family (it’s not our business, and if they’ve been trying without success such questions are extremely painful), or any lady when she’s due (unless you know she’s pregnant!) I remember when my husband and I were dating during college, whenever we’d come back from any kind of break, I”d hear remarks like, “Let me see that left hand!” or “Are you engaged yet?” I wanted to whimper, “We’re trying to figure it out. When we have news to share, you can be sure we’ll tell everyone we know.” We can easily make people feel hurt or pressured or frustrated by such questions. A friend shared on Facebook a chart of some of these common statements (or thoughts) to parents, and a lively discussion ensued of those on the receiving end of some of these comments:

how many kids

Sometimes it’s not so much hurtful speech as thoughtless speech.Years ago friends with the last name of Fox had their first child, and when I saw them at church I smilingly quipped the verse about “little foxes spoiling the vine.” The husband looked at me and said wearily, “Everyone says that.” I instantly realized what a thoughtless, inane statement that was, and later was convicted that it was a horrible misuse of Scripture.

Sometimes people can rival Job’s “miserable comforters,” who meant well, sympathized (at least at first), and said many true things, but misapplied much of the truth they shared. We need to be especially careful about telling people why we think God allowed something to happen in their lives. We don’t really know, but we can comfort and encourage them in many others ways.

Ephesians 4:29b reminds us make our speech “that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers,” and Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.” We need to be careful, thoughtful, prayerful, and edifying in what we say.

Yet not everyone is going to get the memo or read these kinds of articles. Eventually we’re all going to have someone say or ask something that hits us wrong. What’s the best way to react?

Avoid sarcastic retorts. Most times they don’t realize they’ve said something hurtful. Sending back a zinger will only escalate the incident.

Educate if needed. If they’ve never been in our situation, of course they are not going to understand. A friend with a child with severe life-threatening allergies has often had to shed light on common misconceptions, as have many others in different situations.

Appreciate their interest. At least they are interested in your life and they’re not ignoring you.

Give the benefit of the doubt. Most people truly do mean well. If they are trying to say hurtful things on purpose – then we need to have a different kind of conversation with them.

Realize sometimes we’re the problem. Sometimes something is meant well but we take it the wrong way.

View the opposite end of the spectrum. Sometimes, particularly when a person is in a very difficult situation like marital problems or illness or a death in the family, people are so afraid of saying the wrong thing that they say nothing and avoid them. We can foster that by too much complaining about the wrong things that have been said.

Give them grace, the same grace we would want people to extend to us if we said the wrong thing…because we likely will at some point. In fact, we probably have at some time without realizing it.

You may need to talk to them about why their comment hurt and try to resolve the issue. (Matthew 18:15: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”)

Or you may decide just to overlook it (I Peter 4:8: “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins,” Proverbs 10:12: “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”)

But we need to deal with it one way or the other and let it go. Don’t hold it against them, don’t carry a grudge, don’t let it fester, don’t avoid them afterward.

We need to forgive:

Matthew 6:14-15: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

We need to forgive on the basis of the great wrongs we have been forgiven, not on the basis of whether or not they “deserve” it (See Matthew 18:20-35). We didn’t deserve God’s forgiveness, and He has forgiven us so much more than anything anyone has done or said to us.

We need to exercise patience and forbearance:

Colossians 3:12-13: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

Ephesians 4:1-3: “I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”

We need to be filled with and manifest the fruit of the Holy Spirit:

Galatians 5:22-23: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.“

Whether we’re the speakers or the receivers, we need to walk closely with the Lord, seek His guidance, and manifest His grace.

(Update: I’m not saying there is anything at all wrong with those “What not to say” type posts. Sometimes they are very informative and enlightening and usually help dispel our notions of stereotypes. There is nothing wrong with telling someone that something they’ve said is off-base or hurtful. But I’ve known people to carry around a personal bitterness because of something another person has said in ignorance about their situation, and that’s not healthy.)

Adventures in Elder Care: Ministering to the Elderly and Their Caregivers

Posted on by

Eldercare
I didn’t feel I could conclude this series without a post about ministering to the elderly. Some of what I wrote about how to help parents as they age would apply generally, but I wanted specifically to address ways to minister to an elderly person who is not your parent.

Neighbors. If you live near an elderly person who is still in his or her own home, just being a good neighbor is a great first step. Greeting them, talking over the back fence or the mailbox, sharing from your garden, taking them treats (after asking about dietary restrictions), etc., are all ways to keep in touch. Most would welcome a visit, but don’t assume that because they’re older and at home most of the time that they don’t mind if you drop in any time. Some wouldn’t, but some would: as you get to know your neighbor, you’ll be able to discern whether she likes to have company or not, or when might be a good time. You want to be alert for ways that they might need help, but you don’t want to run roughshod into their lives or make them feel useless and helpless. Some might love to have you cut their grass, for instance, but some might take pride that they’re still able to do it and might like the exercise. You might especially be alert to checking on them if you haven’t seen them out for a while.

Visiting facilities. If someone you know is in an assisted living facility or a nursing home, visiting them is probably the number one way to minister to them. Even if they have family that visits often, there are still a number of hours in the day when they don’t have visitors (and it helps the family to know that they are not the only ones who care about the loved one). Some will be more involved in the activities of their facilities than others: you might check with them (depending on their mental abilities) or their family members or even one of the staff members to ask when would be the best time.

Some churches have a regular visitation program for their senior members, which is nice. Just don’t do what one lady did: we happened to be visiting my in-laws at their home when a couple of ladies from their church came to visit my husband’s mom. I believe they brought her a flower, and after she exclaimed about it and expressed thanks for their visit (probably more than once), one of them said, “Well, you were on our list.” If you’re doing something for someone just because they’re on a list of some kind — there is no need to say that! It would be much better to ask the Lord before visiting to help you be a blessing and to have wisdom to know how to best minister to and encourage that person.

What might you do when you visit? Ask about the person, how they’re doing, what their day was like. I read a post about visiting the sick where the writer concentrated only on spiritual issues, like praying with them or reading the Bible or encouraging them with the Word, but left out anything personal. Yes, do those spiritual things: an elderly person might not to be able to or remember to read the Bible on their own, and even if they do, the fellowship of doing it with other believers is a great benefit. But don’t make them feel like they’re a project, like the ladies in the above paragraph. Show a personal interest in them. When you do read the Bible to them, remember some might be hard of hearing. It helps to sit right in front of them so they can see your lips moving and to read in a firm, clear, loud but not yelling voice. One friend used to read aloud and discuss something from the large print Readers Digest with my mother-in-law. Going through a photo album and talking about her loved ones was one of her favorite activities as well.

Often when visiting the person you know in a facility, you’ll have occasion to talk for a bit with other residents. Many in assisted living are fine mentally but can’t live at home for various reasons, and we enjoyed chatting with and getting to know some of them.  I mentioned in an earlier post that things can get a little more complicated when the other residents have a higher degree of dementia. The number one thing we were told was “Don’t alter their reality.” If you try to talk them out of whatever they think is happening, they can get greatly agitated, and that causes more problems not only for the person but also for the staff. When my mother-in-law was in a memory care unit made up primarily of Alzheimer’s patients, residents would often stop visitors to ask for their help in some way. Most of them were constantly trying to figure out a way to get out, not because it was so terrible, but just because they knew on some level that they were not home. When we couldn’t help them in whatever way they wanted, they’d get upset, which again caused more problems for everyone involved. Sometimes you can redirect them: once my husband told a resident who wanted him to help her find her car so she could go home, “Well, they’re just about to serve dinner – why don’t you eat with us and we’ll see about the car later.” She graciously accepted. 🙂 Other times we’d just say, “I’m sorry, I’m just visiting, but maybe that person can help you” and point them to a staff member. Honestly, in that place, sometimes we’d just try to avoid eye contact and go straight to my mother-in-law’s room. I felt bad about that, but that seemed the best way to keep the peace. In the nursing home, when someone said they needed help or wanted to get up or whatever, we’d just pat their hand and tell them someone would be along to help them in a few minutes. If someone seemed in real distress, we’d go find a staff member. I’d caution against giving a person other than your family member any physical help or even going into their room. If someone has fallen, you could do more harm than good and open yourself and the facility up to a lawsuit if something negative happened (or even if the resident accused you of something negative). I wouldn’t even help wheel a resident from one place to another without asking a staff member if it is all right: it may be they are supposed to be where they are rather than back in their room at that point in time.

Gifts. Sometimes people like to bring things when they visit. Most of the time it’s not necessary: just the time with you is the best gift. But there are things that make for good gifts and things that don’t. A lot depends on the individual person. Before bringing any food item, check on food allergies or dietary restrictions. Unless you know the person to be in sound mind, I’d check with someone other than them. Again, depending on a person’s abilities, a fruit basket may not be best. It’s healthy, but some might not be able to peel fruit or might not have knives in their room to cut them up, and it might spoil before they can finish it. I’d generally avoid decorative items unless you know the person could use them. Most have had to downsize their possessions to be able to live in one or two rooms and only have limited space on their walls or end tables. An exception would be anything that children have drawn or colored – most love that and can tape the items on a door or somewhere.

Some items that have made good gift baskets for my mother-in-law in the past:

All-occasion greeting cards (back when she was still sending cards)
Stationery and stamps (when she was still writing)
Pens and pencils
Lotions (some might have skin sensitivities)
Bath items: nice-smelling shampoo, body wash, powder. Avoid bath oils – too slippery
Large-print books, magazines, crossword or word search puzzle books
Small individually wrapped chewable candies
Small packages of cookies
Small throw blankets
Slip-proof socks
Magnifying glass
Tissues
Flowers or plants (see note below)

In our experience, cut flowers (even from the visitor’s own garden) worked better than plants. The staff in a facility doesn’t have time to care for a plant. I personally do not have a green thumb. Unless the resident is aware enough to care for one or has family members who visit often enough and don’t mind caring for a plant, cut flowers are best to brighten up the room for a few days and then can be discarded.

Most facilities do not allow any medication in resident’s rooms: all medication has to be dispensed by the staff (though we did get away with Tums), so I wouldn’t include medicine in a gift basket to someone in a facility.

Cards and notes. My mother-in-law has also been blessed by friends and family sending cards. That is a highlight of her day when I bring in a note or card someone has sent and read it to her.

Value. Sometimes we might wonder how much good we’re doing when we visit or send cards, especially if the person has dementia and might not even remember who we are or that we visited or wrote. They might not remember, but for those few minutes you’ve brightened their day and brought them joy, so I’d say, yes, it’s worth it. I wrote in an earlier post, when I struggled whether it was worth it to drive for 40 minutes round trip for 10-15 minutes of groggy conversation, “But really, visiting her shouldn’t be about making me ‘feel useful.’ It’s about letting her know she’s loved and not forgotten and ministering to her in whatever way she needs.” Remember to minister “with good will doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men” (Ephesians 6:7).

Ministering to caregivers. I wanted to mention ministering to caregivers briefly, rather than a separate post, because I don’t have that much to say about it. It has greatly ministered to our hearts when someone have ministered to my mother-in-law in any way. I can’t tell you how much of an encouragement it is when someone goes to see her or writes to her. It’s encouraging when people ask about her, too, but if I can say this without it sounding wrong – ask about her, but ask about other things, too. When my husband was going through months of issues with his eye after a detached retina, he said that all anyone ever talked to him about was his mom and his eye. It’s not that he didn’t appreciate those questions: he did, but it would have been nice to talk about something else sometimes. Often when asked about my mother-in-law, there is really nothing new to say. When people ask me how she’s doing, I generally say, “About the same.” Some seem a little perturbed by that, so sometimes I go on to say, “She sleeps a lot, eats well, talks a lot sometimes but not at all other times.” I figure they don’t really want to know about bowel difficulties or things like that. 🙂 That’s pretty much her life right now. I don’t want people to forget about her and I appreciate their asking, but just understand there is often not much to say. “About the same” is at least a better answer than “She’s declining,” which is what we had to answer for several months before we brought her home. Sometimes people would seem startled by that response, but as a person gets older, that’s what happens.

A few times, especially when we first brought my mother-in-law home, it greatly ministered to me when someone asked, “How are you doing?” and listened with empathy and without judging when I said I was struggling with the idea.

It also helps when people understand that people caring for a parent might not be as available as they once were. A friend’s mother still lives in her own home an hour away and has had so many medical needs and procedures that my friend has had to lay aside some ministries she was involved in to be able to take her mother to various doctors and help her after procedures. In our case, my mother-in-law can’t be left alone, so we can only do things during the morning and early afternoon while we have home health care here, or we have to take turns or just have one of us go to events in the afternoons or evenings. Some times that’s fine, other times I’d rather stay at home than go by myself, and I don’t like to be out too often and leave my husband to spend his evenings or weekends caring for his mom alone after working 50-60 hours a week. Occasionally we’ll pay extra for home health care to be here in the evening, usually when the family is all here so we can go out, but otherwise we just accept that this is going to be a quiet and somewhat limited phase of life. It’s similar to having a new baby in the home: for a period of time, caring for that family member is one’s primary ministry.

Besides showing an interest in my mother-in-law, there is not really much that we need personally. We haven’t needed meals or errands run or that kind of thing. I did come across one article with some ideas along those lines, and Sandy, whose husband received a heart-breaking diagnosis of early-onset Alzheimer’s while in his 40s, has mentioned in passing things that people have done that have blessed her family.

I’d love to hear more ideas from you. If you have an older loved one, what are some things that people have done that have been a help to you?

Other posts in the Adventures in Elder Care series:

Helping Parents As They Age.
Making Decisions for a Parent’s Care.
Our Experiences With Assisted Living and Nursing Homes.
Caring for a Parent at Home.
A Plea to Caregivers.

Book Review: Women of the Word

Posted on by

WOTWI have to confess that my first thought when I saw Women of the Word by Jen Wilkin mentioned favorably around the blogosphere was, “Hey! She took my title!” That’s not a very spiritual reaction, I know. 🙂 I’ve been blessed to have been able to compile a ladies’ newsletter for our current church for a couple of years and for a former church for about 9 years, and one column I’ve had in it  for a long time has gone by that same title, “Women of the Word.” It began after a discussion about devotions during one of our ladies’ meetings and the realization that no matter how long one has been a believer, there are always going to be struggles either maintaining a devotional time or making it what it ought to be. So I began the column to encourage ladies along that line and have begun to wonder lately if perhaps I might put them all together and see if they might possibly form a book.

My second thought, after reading a little bit about this book, was that I must get it. Everything I’d heard about it indicated that the author had the same passion as I do for getting women into the Word of God.

And the book definitely did not disappoint in any way.

Jen is not content to just get you into the Bible, however. She wants to equip women to dig for the true meaning of the Bible rather than using the Xanax approach (just seeking something to get through the day) or any number of other faulty approaches. She reminds us that God wants us to love Him not just with our hearts and souls, but also with our minds. She says that when she first began to read her Bible, she approached it with questions like, “Who am I?” and “What should I do?” Though the Bible did give her some insight for those questions, she eventually realized that “I held a subtle misunderstanding about the very nature of the Bible. I believed that the Bible was a book about me…I believed the purpose of the Bible was to help me” (p. 24). She learned that “We must read and study the Bible with our ears trained on hearing God’s declaration of Himself” (p. 26).

When I read that God is slow to anger, I realize that I am quick to anger. When I realize that God is just, I realize that I am unjust. Seeing who He is shows me who I am in a true light. A vision of God high and lifted up reveals to me my sin and increases my love for Him. Grief and love lead to genuine repentance, and I begin to be conformed to the image of the One I behold.

If I read the Bible looking for myself in the text before I look for God there, I may indeed learn that I should not be selfish. I may even try harder not to be selfish. But until I see my selfishness through the lens of the utter unselfishness of God, I have not properly understood its sinfulness (pp. 26-27).

“It’s possible to know Bible stories, yet miss the Bible story” (p. 11). In our quest for Biblical literacy, “we may develop habits of engaging the text that at best do nothing to increase literacy and at worst actually work against it” (p. 37). “We must be those who build on the rock-solid foundation of mind-engaging process, rather than on the shifting sands of ‘what this verse means to me’ subjectivity” (p. 87).

The author then shares ways to read the text within the context and to read it for comprehension, interpretation, and application. There is  an excellent chapter as well for teachers, one section of which makes an excellent case for women Bible teachers. She appears to believe, as I do, that women should teach women rather than men, but she gives some excellent reasons why women should teach other women.

I also appreciated how she dealt with an issue in the conclusion that I have seen some up in just the last couple of years. These days, when you try to encourage Bible reading and study or try to bring to bear what the Bible says on a conversation, you can sometimes be accused of “worshiping the Bible.” Jen answers:

I want to be conformed to the image of God. How can I become conformed to an image I never behold? I am not a Bible-worshiper, but I cannot truly be a God-worshiper without loving the Bible deeply and reverently. Otherwise, I worship an unknown God. A Bible-worshiper loves an object. A God-worshiper loves a person (p. 147).

In short, I love this book and highly recommend it. I do more than recommend it: I don’t often do this, but I encourage you to get it. I’m more than happy that the title I was considering using for a book has been attached to such a one as this.

I’ll close with one last quote:

We must make a study of our God: what He loves, what He hates, how He speaks and acts. We cannot imitate a God whose features and habits we have never learned. We must make a study of Him if we want to be like Him. We must seek His face…

We see Him for who He is, which is certainly a reward in itself, but it is a reward with the secondary benefit of being forever altered by the vision (p. 150).

(This will also be linked to Semicolon‘s Saturday Review of Books.)

Is This the Right Road Home?

Posted on by

dark_forest_path_shadows_m44453

Is this the right road home, O Lord?
The clouds are dark and still,
The stony path is hard to tread,
Each step brings some fresh ill.
I thought the way would brighter grow,
And that the sun with warmth would glow,
And joyous songs from free hearts flow.
Is this the right road home?

Yes, child, this very path I trod,
The clouds were dark for Me,
The stony path was sharp and hard.
Not sight but faith, could see
That at the end the sun shines bright,
Forever where there is no night,
And glad hearts rest from earth’s fierce fight,
It IS the Right Road Home!

I don’t know the author to this little poem. I rediscovered it in a devotional book yesterday, and when I looked it up online today, found this neat story of God’s using it in the life of Rosalind Goforth. That’s probably where I had seen it before, in one of her books.  That link goes on to tell about its inspiring a song, which I’ve not heard.

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus’ sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh…

For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. II Corinthians 4:7-11, 16-18.

Friday’s Fave Five

Posted on by

FFF spring2

It’s Friday, time to look back over the blessings of the week with Susanne at Living to Tell the Story and other friends. Here are some of the favorite parts of the past week:

1. A three day weekend. It was so nice that Independence Day fell on a Friday this year – it was like having two Saturdays in a row.

2. A neighborhood potluck. A few of the neighbors organized a community get-together for the 4th. I met some I didn’t know and renewed acquaintances with others. We took Great-Grandma out in her wheelchair, and she really enjoyed it. I wasn’t sure how she would react – she’s never liked crowds and having a lot of activity around her, but she was smiling and waving. Many people came up to say hello to her.

3. A special Sunday. Since my Pastor’s announcement about his diagnosis with pancreatic cancer, we’ve had some guest speakers come in – mostly some who have had a long connection with our ministry and wanted to be here to support him and our church, but it has also helped him to be able to rest during some part of the regular Sunday services while others spoke. This last Sunday he was unable to make it to Sunday School, and we had a time of sharing and praying for him during that time. It did my heart a lot of good to have that time together. Then our former youth and music pastor had flown in and spoke to us during the Sunday morning service and sang Sunday night. The message was just what many of us felt we needed, and it meant a lot to have this young man, who means so much to so many of us, here. I recommend the message to you, especially if you’re going through any kind of hard time or think you might in the future 🙂 : Everything Beautiful In God’s Time from Ecclesiastes 3:1-14.

4. A much more relaxed week than the last several have been. I haven’t gotten all the things done that I had been wanting to get to when I couldn’t. 🙂 But I did get caught up on the housecleaning.

5. A crossed-off list. I keep a running list of things I need to do and remember for the week on my desk, and usually whenever I change it for a new one, I have to transfer one or two items from it to the next list. It felt good this week to have every item crossed off. That doesn’t mean everything was done that could possibly need doing – I keep a longer list on my electronic devices of projects to get to when there is time. But having those items crossed off for that brief moment of time felt good. 🙂

Bonus: I just tried today (Thursday) a Grilled Chicken Cool Wrap from Chick-Fil-A. Wow! Why have I waited so long to try this?! Because I thought I wouldn’t like it (some restaurant grilled chicken tastes rubbery to me), and because I like their regular sandwiches so much. It’s nice to have a lighter alternative, especially during the summer.

Happy Friday!

 

A-Z Bookish Questionnaire

Posted on by

booksflr

I saw this at Carrie‘s, who saw it at Amy‘s, and thought it looked like fun. All links behind book titles are to my reviews.

Author you’ve read the most books from: Probably Elisabeth Elliot.

Best sequel ever: I had to sit and think about this one for a long time. I don’t know if I’d say this is the best sequel ever, but I do like the sequels of the Mitford books, especially In This Mountain.  It’s not quite as light and cheery as the others, because Father Tim struggles with retirement, his wife’s fame while his work (and importance, so he thinks) seems to be declining, depression, and a serious setback with his diabetes. But I love how he works through it and comes out of it. Then again, I also like the sequels to the Narnia series, Little Women, the Little House books, Anne of Green Gables (especially the book of the first year of Anne’s marriage), and others.

Currently reading: Just Jane by Nancy Moser (a fictionalized account of Jane Austen’s life), How to Read Slowly by James W. Sire, Women of the Word by Jen Wilkens, and listening to The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes via audiobook.

Drink of choice while reading: Decaf coffee or Decaf Diet Coke.

E-reader or physical book? I prefer physical books, but now that I have gotten used to using the Kindle app for my iPad mini, I enjoy it, too. Can’t beat the free or inexpensive books for it – my library has grown exponentially.

Fictional character you probably would have actually dated in high school: Hmm. I don’t usually think of the characters I read about in that way, and so far I’m not coming up with anyone high school or college age that I would have been interested in back then. Except maybe Laurie in Little Women as played by Christian Bale in the film – though he really wasn’t my type.

Glad you gave this book a chance: The Woman in White by Wilkie Collins. I read descriptions about several of his books, but they just didn’t sound interesting to me. But when so many who read a different book of his for Carrie’s Classic Book Club loved it, I thought maybe I should give him a chance. Loved this and plan to read more in the future.

Hidden gem book: Five Little Peppers and How They Grew. It’s been a long time since I’ve read it and I probably should again, but it was rather a plain book that I didn’t know anything about when I started, but I loved it.

Just finished: I Will Repay by Baronness Orczy and The Knowledge of the Holy by A. W. Tozer.

Kinds of books you won’t read: Anything sexually explicit or with too much bad language, horror books, mysteries that are creepy or too scary.

Longest book you’ve read: Les Miserables by Victor Hugo. All 1440+ pages of the unabridged version.

Major book hangover because of: I’m not sure what a book hangover is supposed to be. If it means one that continues to impact or speak to you after you’ve read it, that would be the Bible.

Number of bookcases you own: 3 tall ones, 2 short ones, and I have at least 4 boxes of books in closets.

One book you have read multiple times. Oh, my. Many, for many reasons. If I had to choose just one….well, let’s make it one nonfiction and one fiction. 🙂 Fiction: Little Women – fun to read at different stages of life and see it through different characters. Nonfiction, besides the Bible: Through Gates of Splendor.

Preferred place to read: Sitting sideways on the couch in the family room.

Quote that you like, from a book you’ve read: Oh my, again. I usually have multiple quotes marked in every book. To go with a recent one: “I believe there is scarcely an error in doctrine or a failure in applying Christian ethics that cannot be traced finally to imperfect and ignoble thoughts about God,” A. W. Tozer in The Knowledge of the Holy.

Reading regret: The only book that comes to mind that I have regretted reading (I think that’s what this question is asking) is one that we picked up at a library visit when my kids were little. When my son asked about it, I just felt a check in my spirit about it, but we got it anyway. When I looked at it when we got home, it was a pretty awful (both in writing and in subject) New Age book encouraging kids to disobey and drop everything they’d ever believed, complete with a “spirit guide” coauthor who had his own afterword in the back. 😦 It did open up a discussion with the one son who had shown interest in it. The only others that just came to mind were some unsavory ones my dad had around the house in my preteen years (he was not a Christian at the time and I wasn’t yet, either). 😦 It pays to be careful what you read, because those things do come back to your mind.

Series you started and need to finish: The Mysterious Benedict Society, Sherlock Holmes (working on the latter.)

Three of your all-time favorite books: This is another hard one. I’m going to invoke my executive privilege as owner of this blog and name 3 nonfiction and 3 fiction. 🙂 Aside from the Bible and the ones I mentioned before as having read multiple times, By Searching by Isobel Kuhn, Climbing by Rosalind Goforth, Evidence Not Seen by Darlene Deibler Rose. For fiction: Jane Eyre, Les Miserables, and A Tale of Two Cities.

Unapologetic fangirl for: The Incorrigible Children of Ashton Place series, especially the audiobooks read by Katherine Kellgren. Clever writing, rollicking good fun, but not without some pathos. I hope, when the series ends and we finally find out how the children got left in the woods to be raised by wolves and what their connection is to some others in the story, that it’s not going to be something I’d have a problem with.

Very excited for this release more than all the others: Besides the next in the above-mentioned Ashton Place series (I don’t know when it might be), a new one in Jan Karon’s Mitford series due out in September: Somewhere Safe With Somebody Good.

Worst bookish habit: My husband would probably say buying and keeping too many books. 🙂 I honestly can’t think of one. I like to take good care of them. Unless it’s the urge to get ahead of the story, but I generally don’t like to read or skip ahead any more. I like to read it as it unfolds even if it drags a bit in places.

X marks the spot: If this means bookmarks, I tend to use just whatever scrap of paper is at hand, though I have some nice bookmarks in my desk drawer (I just don’t think to go get them). If it refers to marking quotes or points I want to remember, I use the little Post-it notes sticky tab strips. But I do mark my books with a pencil as well – most of them, anyway.

Your latest book purchase: Physical book: Women of the Word by Jen Wilkins; Kindle app: Hidden Places by Lynn Austin.

Zzz snatcher book: If this means a book that has kept me awake reading it – it has been a while since that happened. I tend to fall asleep if I read past bedtime. But the ones with the potential to are Dee Henderson’s books, the last one being Unspoken. I’ve got her newest one on my shelf but have been trying to save it as a reward after I finish some of my reading challenge lists.

Let me know if you do this, and I’ll come by and see what you have to say.

Adventures in Elder Care: A Plea to Caregivers

Posted on by

EldercareIn previous posts from my Adventures in Elder Care series, I discussed helping a parent as they age, things to consider when making decisions about care, our experiences with assisted living and nursing homes, and caring for a parent at home.

As we’ve dealt with my mother-in-law’s slow decline, we have had her in three different assisted living facilities (she had to move from the first when we moved to another state, from the second when she could no longer get herself where she needed to be during a fire drill in the allotted time, the third when she was hospitalized with a septic infection and her facility said they would not take her back because her needs exceeded their abilities), a nursing home, and now we have her at home with home health care aides coming in a few hours a day. We’ve seen a variety of caregivers, some very good, and a few, not so much. I wanted to bare my heart with a plea to caregivers.

But before I do, I want to say that I know you don’t have an easy job. We saw a fairly quick turnover in all the facilities where my mother-in-law was. I assume people get into this profession because they have a genuine desire to help people, and I can imagine the daily toil burns some out. I know you’re underpaid and overworked, that your job can be messy and trying. I know some residents are unreasonable or argumentative, some say or do inappropriate things, some are even violent. At my mother-in-law’s facility, one resident always cried if she wasn’t asleep, several were always trying to escape, one often yelled from her room, the TV was always blaring, and once as I sat and listened for the time I was there, I thought, “I would go stark raving mad if I had to work here for hours every day.” I know doing the same tasks, having the same conversations, dealing with the same problems every.single.day. can wear on you.

But still I plead with you to remember a few things as you care for folks. I’m reminding myself of them as well since I now help take care of my mother-in-law in our home:

1. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The Golden Rule. The teaching of Jesus. This one principle would take care of a number of issues. Some times, when I’d see my mother-in-law bent over double in her wheelchair or with red splotches on her face due to food that hadn’t been completely washed off after a meal, I’ve wished I could say to someone, “What if this was your mother? grandmother? How would you like to be treated if you were a resident here?” Most times these things are oversights rather than willful neglect, but still, in our experience those things became a pattern that affected the quality of life of residents.

2. Remember the residents are people, not tasks. It’s so easy to get caught up in all the things that need to be done that we can forget that we’re dealing with real people rather than a list of tasks to accomplish.

3. Take care-giving tasks as opportunities to interact socially with residents. Take time to show personal interest in your residents, even if they aren’t responsive. After we brought my mother-in-law home, I found several training videos on YouTube about using a Hoyer lift, changing someone’s position in bed, etc. Most of the videos taught the caregiver to greet the patient/resident first, say hello, ask something about them, and then explain what they were going to do. I’ve seen some caregivers do this, but usually in limited fashion. I did see some come in in pairs and talk to each other during the whole procedure of whatever they were doing without saying anything to my mother-in-law at all and without really looking at her except for the task they were doing. When she was in a nursing home, on a pureed diet, and losing weight, we found that caregivers would sometimes watch TV while feeding her and not interact with her at all, but would just mindlessly shovel food in. Can you imagine being on the receiving end of meal times like that? We asked if they would turn the TV off, make sure her hearing aid was in and working, and talk to her a little while they fed her. When they did that, her eating improved.

4. Put yourself in their shoes. This overlaps with the first one, but what I mean here is to think about what it would feel like if someone came from behind you and started moving your seat suddenly. That’s how it feels if you start moving someone in a wheelchair without letting them know what you’re doing. (I know – I spent a bit of time in one.) It’s even disconcerting to have someone speak from behind you as they’re starting to push you: the suddenness can make you feel very disoriented. It’s better to come around, look the resident in the eye, and say, “I’m going to take you back to your room now,” or “I’m going to move you over just a bit.” Understand that they are usually either arthritic or stiff and slow-moving: don’t pull or jerk their limbs in an effort to get sit them up straight or moved where you want them. Sometimes they can move where you want them to, but it just takes longer. Don’t treat them like children. You can apply this principle to any numbers of factors.

5. Don’t neglect the quiet ones. My mother-in-law never liked to be any trouble. Usually if she had a need, she’d wait until we got there to ask. She liked to keep to her room. She didn’t yell or make demands. There were some residents who honestly could’ve used one full time person just to assist them, like the man who kept trying to sit down without checking to see if there was a chair behind him or the woman who was constantly calling for someone to come into her room and help her or the woman who’d wheel her chair into other people’s rooms and go through their drawers. The squeaky wheel tends to get the oil, as the saying goes: there were times we felt like my mother-in-law was neglected because she wasn’t demanding.

6. Keep good lines of communication between administration and staff. Sometimes we’d talk to the administration about an issue, and they’d assure us it would be taken care of, but either it was never relayed to the staff or it was ignored. Sometimes the administration would tell us certain things would be done that were just impossible. For instance, when we toured one assisted living facility, the administrator told us the staff could curl my mother’s hair before we picked her up for church on Sunday mornings. Not only did that never happen, but I would never have asked anyone on a Sunday morning to do that: it was just too busy. They’d brush it and pin it, but no one had time to curl it. This is something I usually did on Sundays and I was fine with it, but it just made the administrator seem a little out of touch with the reality of life on the floor.

I don’t know if any care-giving facilities do this, but I would love for them to have regular meetings where the staff can be reminded of some of these principles and also let the administration know some of the problems they’re dealing with.

7. Use the TV but not to the point of deadening. In the memory-care unit especially, it seemed like the goal was to get everyone clean and dry and then seated around the TV in sitting room. I know the TV can be very helpful in occupying their minds and keeping them still and out of trouble, but keeping them herded around it all their waking hours is mind-numbing. Most of the assisted living facilities and even the nursing home would have some activities for residents, but in the memory care unit they pretty much just used the TV except for one time when someone brought out some balloons and had them tap them back and forth to each other. They loved it: their faces lighted up and they got excited. I know this group is probably the hardest to come up with activities for, but it is so helpful to have something different to do for even just a few minutes a day.

8. Breaks might best be taken in another room. Sometimes when we’d walk in and all the residents were around the TV and all the staff were sitting at the dinner tables, it just looked like no one was working. We’d tell ourselves maybe they were just taking a break, but when that seemed to be the case nearly every time we came in no matter what time of day, it just didn’t look good. I don’t begrudge anyone taking some time to rest in-between meals and baths and bathroom needs, and I understand that at times that’s best done where you can still keep an eye on everyone, but just be conscious of what it looks like, especially if a family member has an issue with something that hasn’t been done for their resident and it looks like people are taking it easy or chatting instead of working. It might be best if one or two staff members at a time took breaks in another room so they could fully relax for a bit and so it didn’t like like everyone was visiting while the residents were watching TV. I appreciated that the nursing home my mother-in-law was in did not allow anyone to use their cell phones on the floor: they had to be in the break room or at lunch to do so. That kept the main areas looking professional and free from distraction.

9. Put people’s needs over decorations. It is important that the building and facilities look nice. These are these people’s homes, after all. It can be very depressing when things look run down. On the other hand, the decorations and such shouldn’t be overly elaborate. In one of my mother-in-law’s facilities, their Christmas display rivaled that of the mall’s. Maybe all that stuff had been donated, I don’t know, but my first thought was that I’d rather have a little less in the decoration department and use the money to hire an extra staff person. Paying for an elderly loved one’s care is expensive, and it can be a little galling to see hard-earned money used in such a way. There needs to be some kind of balance between making it look nice and cheery but not overdone.

10. Don’t expect visitors to watch out for residents. In one facility, the main doorway was off the main sitting area, and the residents on one side or the staff sitting at tables on the other couldn’t see the front door from where they were. They had a number of residents that were always trying to escape. When you visit there often you get to know some of the residents, so when some of them were at the door when I’d come in, I’d be very careful to shut it behind me, or if they were there when I was leaving, I’d use another door even though it was out of my way. Once as I was coming in, a lady with a purse on her arm came out. A few minutes later one of the staff came into my mother-in-law’s room and told me I had let one of the residents out. Well, how was I supposed to know she was a resident? She was new, so she wasn’t familiar to me; she didn’t look as old as some of the other residents; and the purse on the arm threw me. The doors should be set so that the staff can see them. Most of us visitors don’t want to accidentally let residents out or endanger them in any way, but we can’t be expected to police the doors or to know every single resident.

11. Be clear about what you do or don’t do. Some of the fine points of grooming we weren’t sure about. It would have been helpful if, when we first interviewed, the administrator had shared what things they did and what things we were expected to have done on our own.

12. Refer to the care plan regularly. Sometimes we were asked to fill out a detailed care plan in the beginning, but then after a while several items on it would be neglected. It’s easy to get into a routine and think you’re doing everything and not realize something is being overlooked. Some facilities kept these in the room, others kept them in folders in the office, but either way, take time to look at it occasionally just to be sure.

13. Don’t blow off the family members. Please understand that when family members bring something to your attention, they’re not just trying to be nit-picky and gripey. They do so out of concern for their loved one and a desire to see the best care for them. If what they want is beyond the boundaries of your job, kindly let them know, or tell the administrator about the conversation so she can let them know. In one facility, the staff kept putting my mother-in-law in her recliner in such a way that her back was at an angle in the chair rather than having her lower back flush against the back of the seat. When she began to need two-person assistance, sometimes the aides would each pick her up under one arm and lift her from her wheelchair to her recliner, something that was quite uncomfortable in her severely arthritic state. My husband asked, “Can I show you how her physical therapist showed us to position her?’ (like transferring her with a gait belt around her waist, facing her with arms around her and holding onto the belt to help lift and transfer, and seating her in her chair in a way that was better for her posture). Some were very receptive, but some were not and said that they were trained and knew how to do their job.

The problems I’ve mentioned are some that we have experienced personally, and I am sure if we have, others have, too. That’s why I mention them. Sometimes we have brought an issue to the attention of the staff not to have them do something immediately (often we had already taken care of the problem), but just so that they could be aware and improve their services. We do know that no person or facility is 100% perfect, and sometimes mistakes will be made or concerns overlooked: we know everyone is only human (including ourselves). But being aware of some of these principles, especially the first few, would make a world of difference.

Please know that even if we’re discussing a problem, we are thankful for you and the work you do on behalf of our loved ones. And those who go beyond just punching the time clock and doing their job to taking an interest in and genuinely caring about their residents are worth their weight in gold, and we’re very thankful.

I wanted to add just a few thoughts to caregivers who work in private homes. Much of the above applies, but there are some particular factors involved in someone’s home.

1. Be on time. People plan their day around your being there.

2. Be professional. This is a job. Don’t take it casually. Give plenty of notice if you can’t be there for some reason.

3. Duty first. In someone’s home you will likely have some down time. It’s understood that in most cases you won’t have work to do every minute. But whatever you’ve agreed with the family that you will do while in the home, make sure that is done first before reading, using your iPad, or talking on the phone. It’s galling to have to do some of the tasks the caregiver was supposed to have done while she was there – not that we are above those tasks, but we paying $17 an hour for work that was neglected while she chattered on the phone.

4. Give the patient your full attention when feeding, changing, etc. Don’t use that time to talk on the phone. You should really be on the phone only when there is a pressing need: you’re being paid to work, and talking to friends and family just to chat should be done on your own time. And though your patient likely won’t need your attention 100% of the time – there will be time when he/she is asleep or watching TV, etc. — don’t just leave them in bed or their wheelchair unattended for long stretches of time while you sit separately doing your own thing. Part of what you’re being paid for is companionship.

5. Clean up after yourself. The family shouldn’t have to clean up your spills in the microwave or sticky residue on the end table where you set your coffee or food, etc.

6. Adapt to the people in the home. The other people in the house, usually family members, will differ in various homes. Some are extroverted and gregarious, some are private.

7. Don’t resent situations where the family members are watching TV or playing solitaire on the computer while you’re working. They may be paying for you to be there so they can work or run errands, but they’re might be paying you just so they can have some time “off.” They have care-giving duty all the rest of the time you’re not there, or they may hire full time caregivers because they don’t feel comfortable or able to do ti themselves.

In closing, since I am a Christian, I want to share with you some verses that have helped me in care-giving. Maybe they will be inspirational to you as well.

Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all.
(I Thessalonians 5:14.)

Whosoever shall give to drink unto one of these little ones a cup of cold water only in the name of a disciple, verily I say unto you, he shall in no wise lose his reward (Matthew. 10:42).

To do good and to communicate forget not: for with such sacrifices God is well pleased (Hebrews. 13:16)

God is not unrighteous to forget your work and labour of love, which ye have shewed toward his name, in that ye have ministered to the saints, and do minister (Hebrews. 6:10).

So after [Jesus] had washed their feet, and had taken his garments, and was set down again, he said unto them, Know ye what I have done to you?Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you (John 13:12-15).

With good will doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men (Ephesians 6:7).

For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me. Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me (Matthew 25:35-36, 40).

 

Book Review: I Will Repay

Posted on by

I Will RepayWhen I mentioned to someone that I liked The Scarlet Pimpernel, about an Englishman who disguised himself and rescued those slated for the guillotine during the French Revolution, this person (sadly, I’ve forgotten who) told me the author, Baroness Orczy, wrote several books about The Scarlet Pimpernel’s adventures and she really liked I Will Repay. So I put I Will Repay on my TBR list, and recently took advantage of its being free for the Kindle and only $2.99 at Audible.com (at the time of this writing) to get both and use their “Whispersync” connection to go back and forth between text and audio, depending on my circumstances.

The story begins with a heated argument between young Vicomte de Marny and the older Paul Déroulède. Between rage and too much to drink, de Marny insists on a duel. Déroulède easily wins the duel, but de Marny tries to fight further. When Déroulède puts up his sword to disarm him, de Marny charges at that moment right into Déroulède’s sword and dies.

The young man is carried home to his invalid father and 14 year old sister Juliette. They are told by the young man’s friends that he died “in fair fight,” but the father, described as “almost a dotard,” makes Juliette swear that she will somehow avenge her brother’s death. He adds to the oath the torment he says that her brother’s soul will undergo until she exacts her revenge (though, of course, in reality nothing we say or do after a person has died has an effect on the state of their soul). Juliette, grieving, young, and impressionable, agrees to this oath and lives under the weight of it for the next ten years.

By this time the French Revolution is well underway. Juliette’s father has died and Déroulède has become a favorite of the people, probably due to the bourgeois ancestry which had kept him from being fully accepted by the aristocracy despite his wealth. Juliette tricks her way into becoming a guest in his home, but it takes several weeks for a plan to come to mind to deal with him. In the meantime, she finds qualities about him that she likes, and he falls in love with her rather quickly. Thus she is torn between her feelings and her oath to her father on her dead brother’s body. “That awful oath, sworn so solemnly, had been her relentless tyrant; and her religion – a religion of superstition and of false ideals – had blinded her, and dragged her into crime.”

When I first started the book, I was a little dismayed because I’ve always thought the whole tradition of duels was rather silly, and I was afraid the ensuing romance would be fairly silly, too. However, I was greatly surprised by the depth of the novel as well as the unexpected twists and turns the plot took. I had an idea how the story would ultimately end up, but it didn’t go any of the routes I thought it would. This is one audiobook that I looked for ways to listen to beyond the usual, even carrying it around with me while I dusted.

In a conversation with Sir Percy Blakeney, aka the Scarlet Pimpernel, Déroulède describes Juliette as a saint and an angel and says he has fallen “madly, blindly, stupidly, hopelessly” in love. Sir Percy responds,

“And ’twill be when you understand that your idol has feet of clay that you’ll learn the real lesson of love,” said Blakeney earnestly.

“Is it love to worship a saint in heaven, whom you dare not touch, who hovers above you like a cloud, which floats away from you even as you gaze? To love is to feel one being in the world at one with us, our equal in sin as well as in virtue. To love, for us men, is to clasp one woman with our arms, feeling that she lives and breathes just as we do, suffers as we do, thinks with us, loves with us, and, above all, sins with us. Your mock saint who stands in a niche is not a woman if she have not suffered, still less a woman if she have not sinned. Fall
at the feet of your idol an you wish, but drag her down to your level after that – the only level she should ever reach, that of your heart.”

I disagree that you have to sin together to really be in love, but I do agree that a couple needs to understand that they’re both sinners and that they’ll need grace to live with one another, that true love happens when that happens, not when we’re in a state of near worship. And indeed, Déroulède finds later “She had ceased to be a saint or a madonna; she had fallen from her pedestal so low that he could not find the way to descend and grope after the fragments of his ideal.” What happens then I will leave for you to discover.

And even though this is not a religious book per se, it does contain spiritual truth when more than one character has to learn that “‘Vengeance!’ which is not for man…[is] God’s alone.”

All in all I really enjoyed this novel. I don’t know that I’ll seek out any more of the Scarlet Pimpernel’s adventures any time soon. I like a good swashbuckling adventure every now and then, but I don’t like to make a steady diet of them. Still, these books are as good a source as any of this kind of tale, so the next time I am in the mood for one, perhaps I’ll look up another in the series.

Some readers will want to know that the word “demmed” for “damned” occurs a handful of times.

The full text of I Will Repay can be found online through Project Gutenberg.

(This will also be linked to Semicolon‘s Saturday Review of Books.)

This also completes one of my selections for the  Back to the Classics Challenge hosted by Karen at Books and Chocolate.

classics2014

Laudable Linkage

Posted on by

Here is my semi-weekly round-up of interesting reads – I hope you’ll find one or two of interest:

A Return to the Book. “The further I move from the written Word of God, the less confidence I can have that I’ve heard a word from God. ”

The Danger of Coasting. When we’re not living intentionally, we usually end up somewhere we didn’t mean to go.

Flip or Flop. People can say and do horrible things – like in an earlier post by this author where people commented, “Your poor husband – 6 kids and wife in a wheelchair” or tell her that her children will grow up to resent her disability. But in this post she discusses the good things people have said and done and the choice we can make in which to focus on.

5 Ways Moms Create Cranky Toddlers. Written by a mom and shared by a young mom friend.

Seven Ways to Love Your Pastor.

Why I Read Heartwrenching Stories. I haven’t read the book discussed here but I like what she said about why she reads books that deal with topics that are hard to read about.

Louis Zamperini, the subject of the book Unbroken by Lauren Hillenbrand (one of the best I’ve ever read) passed away this week at the age of 97. An Olympic athlete, WWII soldier, and POW, his greatest victory came through faith in Christ. Here are a couple of short news videos about his life and death, neither of which mentions his faith: let’s hope the upcoming film based on the book does: